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5 hours remain E:  Really? OUTSTANDING Chairchucker - Academie d'Cake l'Orange Sitting Here - The Institute for Anonymous Public Facilitators Accretionist - Maniac-Depressive Aero-Space Academy (or something) Unknowing - Mars Institute for Waste Processing and Reclamation Wash Clothes -Rob Dyrdek School of Skateboarding (X-TREME requirements) Schneider Heim - St. George's School of Monster-slaying and People-saving Barracuda Bang! - The Cooper Union for the Cooping Arts (must be canon) M. Propogandalf - Starkhall Training Academy for Truancy Investigations and Corrections (STATIC) (all depts must have acronyms that work) Kaishai - The Prestonwood Forest Institute of Artistic Application of Light The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 04:17 on Aug 26, 2013 |
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Aug 26, 2013 03:08
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HARK! 2 HOURS REMAIN OUTSTANDING Chairchucker - Academie d'Cake l'Orange Accretionist - Maniac-Depressive Aero-Space Academy (or something) Unknowing - Mars Institute for Waste Processing and Reclamation Wash Clothes -Rob Dyrdek School of Skateboarding (X-TREME requirements) Schneider Heim - St. George's School of Monster-slaying and People-saving Barracuda Bang! - The Cooper Union for the Cooping Arts (must be canon) M. Propogandalf - Starkhall Training Academy for Truancy Investigations and Corrections (STATIC) (all depts must have acronyms that work)
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Aug 26, 2013 06:10
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As a benevolent person (rhino) I'm giving Accretionist, Wash Clothes and Unknowing detention so get your act together and write and submit something within TWO (2) HOURS' TIME. Also you are not allowed to reenact the dance of The Breakfast Club instead of writing your predetermined essay topic because I'm a big meanie who hates fun.
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Aug 26, 2013 08:42
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 In case it's not obvious: Winner: Sitting Here Loser: Chillmatic [not because of flash rules] (Very Near) Loser: Mercedes [your writing is very very rude and I'm directing your case to a disciplinary officer] The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 08:25 on Aug 27, 2013 |
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Aug 27, 2013 07:01
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I'm happy to be a very objective judge if you kids are gonna thunderbrawl 
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Aug 28, 2013 05:57
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First Round of Teacher's Report Niaker Drekin Chillmatic Mercedes          
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Aug 28, 2013 08:20
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Second (Final) Round of Teacher's Report Docbeard Sitting Here Kaishai M.Propogandalf Chairchucker Schneider Helm                    
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Aug 29, 2013 02:53
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sebmojo posted:Oh and I'll judge with Saddest Rhino because Invisible Cities is my jam. Oh I'm judging too! I WOULD LIKE A CONDITION TOO THOUGH that is the persons I am judging would show some appreciation for the amount of time and ink I put into criticising their works, your wounded feelings be damned. Thx lol.
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Aug 29, 2013 03:48
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Tentatively in lol
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Sep 4, 2013 14:26
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sebmojo posted:Do you want to pick a piece to crit, or be assigned one? Give it to me (so long as person being crit is still active in this thread)
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Sep 5, 2013 02:39
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You have a cursing problem.
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Sep 5, 2013 06:25
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  Download PDF here.
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Sep 5, 2013 11:42
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Technicolour Saturday Morning Daydream (approx. 600 words) The tiny bulk of the television is on a cabinet at the back of the room. Steel antennas poke out of its back, pinpointing at random directions. So awkward, and unbecoming, for an altar of rainy evenings of indulgence and lonesomeness. On the wall behind it are posters of Akira and Double Dragon, glossy uneven relics cut carelessly from entertainment magazines. The screen of the television flickers, chanting scratches and information. AV cables of yellow and red trail out from a small panel behind, leading to the little gray device on the floor before the cabinet. A peeling sticker of Micro Genius is pasted on its side - a clone console of the Nintendo Famicom, common in third world countries, gracelessly parodying the rise of capitalism. Beside a well-thumbed control pad is a notebook, filled with scribbles of fighting moves and special attack combinations, and empty threats of beating the high scores of schoolmates. The television cabinet door is ajar, and from within spills out open boxes of the console’s games, adorning colourful art of mascot animals and caped supermen. Instruction manuals and overheating warning pamphlets spread beneath the boxes, untouched. None of the boxes had cartridges inside. A sole unmarked video game cartridge is in plugged in the console. Its label is the colour of want. The television screen flickers. In between the bursts of static, it shifts to the only scene of the video game, the background colour identical to the cartridge label’s. Vague monochrome shapes move across as a slow MIDI version of a familiar, yet unknown folksong plays. There are no characters, nor any text depicting the title of the game, nor any prompt to press a start button. There is a cushion pictured onscreen, facing diagonally against the corner of the television with tassels on the side. Its pixels are arranged perfectly safe a digit here and there, rendering the angles uneven yet correct, crooked yet real. Every few flicker, the cushion moves just slightly forward or backwards, yet it remains static. A placard is set on the cushion. In all its 8 bit simplicity, font size and clarity limited by technology, are two words: Desire me. As the words burn into its CRT lens, the television slowly loses power from the overheating. Its screens dark now, reflected on it a wastepaper basket sitting at the far corner of the room. It is filled with black, tiny objects haphazardly thrown together. Its wireframe is twisted by heat, the wall behind it and the carpet it sits on pitch black with soot. An overwhelming smell of burnt plastic fills the room, gradually being dissipated by the draft let inside. Embers of wasted lifetimes float to the ceiling and fall, forgotten. Also reflected is the control pad, its cables completely severed by gnawing, split wires of gray and white scattered about. A blanket with a bootleg Calvin & Hobbes pattern is tossed aside, the apple juice stain on it drying. Beside the broken glass was a tuna mayo half eaten sandwich, flat with a foot imprint, the tuna and mayo inside squeezed out. Tiny droplets of blood and glass shards form a line across the carpet leading out of the room, out into the hallway, out through the open front doors, out down the small steps, out through the lawn and to the pavements, out to quiet, uneventful suburbia. The television is reflecting the scenery outside the house. A car is parked across the middle of the road, its engine running, skid marks still fresh under its wheels. There is hair and blood on the hood. Somewhere, someone is screaming. --- Alternate Ending: Vague monochrome shapes move across as a slow MIDI version of a familiar jingle plays. Sanic the Hedgehog appears even though it’s not a Nintendo character (because this is a bootleg console you see. P.S. the console is not even plugged in because it’s running on vampire energy). His eyes are black and there’s no life in them, since video game characters are fictional constructs which are not alive and should not even be considered people, so please stop referring to pikachus as your “friends”. Back to Sanic, he is holding a photo of a family of slendermen. It's a blast processing-powered super realistic photo like on a XBone console! Oh and they are of you and your family except, well, dead. Also your room is now bloody everywhere. And you are a slenderman. You were a ghost the whole time! Maybe you shouldn’t have spent your afterlife playing video games. Do something productive instead, like studying for ghost accountancy and making a living out of it. Or a dying out of it, I don’t know what’s the cute undead lingo but you know what I mean. The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 19:12 on Sep 8, 2013 |
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Sep 8, 2013 19:08
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sebmojo posted:Crikey, I kind of hated this one too. You're a solid writer, Rhino, but this is melodramatic and overdescribed where it isn't pompous. Also a possible loser. Didja Redo posted:I’m pretty sure this is a parody of haunted video game creepypasta. With that in mind, I’m not sure how to judge it. Brutal crit this time, and I can agree since this is possibly my least proud work in TD. I feel the inability to actually have characters hurt the story, since I wanted to write about the HAUNTED VIDEO GAME turning a kid in the 90s into a crazed zombie because HAUNTED. I'm not entirely sure where you got the parody vibes from (other than the alternate ending), since this http://invisiblegames.net/archives/killswitch/ was the atmosphere I was going for.
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Sep 10, 2013 12:00
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I look forward to reading not-terrible stories, ha ha! Do not spoil my weekend you revelers.
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Oct 5, 2013 06:33
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The Saddest Rhino posted:I look forward to reading not-terrible stories, ha ha! Goddammit 
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Oct 7, 2013 15:58
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I don't know what my schedule for the weekend may turn out to be, but yeah I'm tentatively in.
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Oct 8, 2013 16:00
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Thunderdome LXI Crits Martello: A Mere Girl Changed Tradition: An unmanned vagina appears. This is one of your weakest works. “A woman wants to be a knight” is almost every other feminist fantasy, and we know Tolkien has used it for one major character in LoTR. All we are given is a girl joining, men saying things about her not being a man, a guy gets luchador’ed and then there’s some uninspiring training montage and she becomes a knight, therefore now a Strong Female Character. At that point I wish someone would stab her so something interesting may actually happen. I don’t really see a story – rather, a footnote to a minor character in another novel. CantDecideOnAName: Virgins Changed Tradition: An unladied penis appears. As soon as the first few lines appear, I get it. They want to sacrifice a girl but instead the only available candidates are the subject matter of PYF Photos of Awkward/Ugly People I See on the Internet. Once again, I was hoping something would happen, like the guy would turn out to be an octopus, or at least something funny gets said. Instead they just talk about how the guy not being a lady (blonde/brunette) and then they go on about how even race is a matter. This deity has some major discrimination issues going on and I feel the cultists should let him know his behaviour is problematic and may attract tumblr social justice warriors to send nasty messages to him. Over all I feel your joke is one stretched too long and a misfire unfortunately. Helsing: Price of a Crown Changed Tradition: An unmanned vagina appears. At this point, two things appear in my notes: (1) Why is everyone so obsessed with gender? and (2) Is this week tension-less storytelling week? Some girl, presumably Lara Croft, climbs up a mountain and wants to join a high fantasy brigade of elite nerds, which needs to be accomplished by killing one of them. The nerd is dressed in only his robes, so I presume it to be a bathrobe and he’s Jeff Lebowski. In the end Lara Craft kills Jeff Lebowski and then nothing happens. Again, this is a backstory full of fantasy worldbuilding I don’t care about and I just, just wished something happen. But that’s my opinion, man. V For Vegas: Dumplings Changed Tradition: Making Siu Long Bao requires lots of cute machines and respect for intellectual property rights. So, I found everyone being referred to as “Mother’s Sister’s Husband” cute, because I know that is exactly how the Chinese refer to members of a huge family. I also note the last few dialogues sound incredibly Chinese in that silly formal way. It’s a cute, short piece that captures the science fiction message of how people are actually being trapped by new technology that takes over their lives. And then it reaches the end where the power goes down, which is about where your pacing just veers off a little and gives it a little less impact than it should. Tighten that last bit a little, make the story just that less cute and it’d be a good piece. Also could I find out from you if there are really devices that can make Siu Long Bao at home because those things are so delicious. ThirdEmperor: The Jumping Man Changed Tradition: A town of assholes devote the main event of their new year celebrations to a suicidal, depressed man. Man, I wanted to like this. I like the message of your story, and I thought that last bit was a little bittersweet (although at least one of my fellow judges think it’s just clichéd). You suffered from adjectivitis – the beginning bits (just before they realized the man wasn’t there) feels like you were squeezing out words as hard as you can, but the celebration feels dry and unexciting. Then we cut into a backstory, which for a short piece, really shouldn’t be required as it’s telling rather than showing. You got the story – just forget this submission and rewrite it. Kaishai: Rattled Changed Tradition: Grown adults are requested to play with toys rather than dangerous, fatal snakes. Your writing is sound, but I feel Danica’s story got muddled by the first scene of Quentin and the last scene of the animal rights activist. As such, even though I like the story, I feel the conflict could be stronger on Danica’s unhappiness of having to catch toys. In the current reading, it feels like she’s just slightly annoyed and then plays a mean trick on a lady because it was something she could do. I also think you shouldn’t have scene changes – the second and third scene could be one in its own right, and Quentin’s bit in the beginning is just backstory which can be easily explained in Danica’s snake-catching scene. Chairchucker: That’s the Spirit Changed Tradition: Dudes get drunk instead of doing what people should do at veteran’s day. I was really confused by what tradition got changed in the beginning because I thought everyone does that for every single holiday. I’m not really a fan of your story this week. However I’ll take this opportunity to say that I hope you’ll write that story of the boat people we talked about the other day. Crabrock: Functional Notation Changed Tradition: A man wants his son’s childhood to be different from his own life and interests. At one point when I’m reading this I thought, “is this crabrock writing about how he wants life with his own future child?” The story has a lot of what some of the other entries this week lack: heart. I was pretty touched by how the father wanted his son to be good at baseball and generally have a good life, regardless of his own (perceived or real) failings in his own. So I really like this and I think you deserve this week’s win, although I don’t think you’re a miserable drunk who wants to stay alone in a dark cold room all the time, just for the avoidance of doubt.
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Oct 9, 2013 13:40
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“These Rhythms are Money, Man!” Number of the Beast words Girl you gotta raise your antenna All circuits on illuminate your fire Your kiss is electric, your smile is bandwidth-friendly Chup-a-wacka-chow-wow Wanna download you baby girl into my mainframe Unh “Thank you for your hip-hop,” said the girl behind the Huawei-Starbucks counter. “You may purchase anything up to a straight black.” “This is bullshit!” the techno-wisdom wizard first in line exclaimed. “Those beats are as fresh as apocalyptic grapefruit. I deserve a triple-soy luwak-infused Moroccan java chip grande at least!” The girl sighed and showed him her Huawei-Starbucks Rhyme Payment Holograph3dTM Screen. “You’ve only got…” she touched a number between them, which glowed in a demure maroon. “about 9,000,321 Predicted PewDieViePoints, which you surely know is rated by tweens and therefore worth only 2 S-Colwellars. Numbers don’t lie.” “I demand a refund!” “Rhymes transacted cannot be returned. Sorry, everyone heard you and y’know what, you can’t download things into mainframes, and your lyrics didn’t even rhyme. If it makes you happier, the 321 PDVPs earned you a satchel of aspartame. Here’s your order.” Aiden watched the techno-wisdom wizard leave with his beverage in a rage. If someone who could come up with smooth lyrics like that guy could only get an espresso, Aiden thought, then inflation must really be sky high. Aiden was not worried. He has just found a new type of beat on /b/, and online testimonials guaranteed him litres of Tibetian brew. At least. “Next,” said the girl. Aiden took out his Samsung-HongLeong UltraFreshTM Keyboard, and pressed a button. Meep meep meep Beep boop-blib click-ceviche-ding a bloo-bloo bloo Whiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Bream “I’d like a…” Aiden started, but realized the whole café had fallen into a deep, dead silence. People in line behind him walked away. Children pointed at him. Suits chatting about corporate agreements put down their Holograph3d Screens and stared. A man sitting at the corner with multi-light-bulb dreadlocks looked at him, sighed, and shook his head. The girl, however, watched his performance with boredom. Then she took out her Huawei-Starbucks Holograph3dTM Walkie-Talkie and said, “Securitybot.” ||Se-Cu-Ri-Ty-Bot. You are running the most updated software. Initiating protocols. Primary: Suicide prevention. Secondary: Pain installation. Hello.|| “Sui what.” ||To avoid suicide, kindly leave premises before Securitybot enters secondary protocol. Warning: DNA-matching lazertonic missiles warmup complete. Ready for engagement. You have five seconds. Four.|| “Newsflash,” the girl said. “Federal reserve has ruled chiptunes illegal. Get out.” ||Three.|| Aiden ran out. He sat on a curb at the street and cried long and hard, hugging his UltraFresh Keyboard, realizing he has lost all his life savings of Kenny G saxojazz on rubbish. A child pointed at him, laughed, and walked away. “Let me help you, baby boy.” Aiden looked up. A man dressed in shimmering gold satin and a tall fluffy, white wig had his hand extended to Aiden. Aiden took it and stood up. She had fake freckles and eyelashes, and Beyoncé-fabulous makeup. “They are philistines,” said the person who introduced herself as Lady TaTa. “Chiptunes are the future, and they don’t know it. I want to tell you a story.” “I’m homeless and addled with generations-impoverishing debt.” “Shut up. Story. 1,000 years ago a man who said to the world, “Currencies ought to be legal unless there is fraud involved. The government should not get involved in regulating private money if there is no fraud. The political ramifications on electronic procedure-generated money outside the federal reserve is great and I think that government should stay out of them and they should be perfectly legal. Buy gold.”” “I’m going to die alone.” “Quiet. Chiptunes are electronic procedure-generated currencies. Why should we be outcasts just because people think our patron saint was legally insane?” Aiden sobbed. “I want to believe.” “Then join us, swee’pea,” Lady Tata led him by hand. “Where’re we going?” “To our holy place,” Lady Tata sang. “Information gets lost, or wrong, in 1,000 years, but we strive for the closest truth. So welcome, welcome... “Welcome to the Church of RuPaul.” The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 09:35 on Oct 12, 2013 |
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Oct 12, 2013 09:26
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Fumblemouse posted:Fumblemouse vs Mercedes 
The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 18:10 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 18:05
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Less writing progress-chat, more  of entries.
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Nov 8, 2013 17:53
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Quidnose posted:Is anyone going to offer to judge these with me or am I picking names out of a hat? As a rhino I actually have been waiting for you to make the obvious, elephant-in-the-room choice, to determine that I will be judging.
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Nov 15, 2013 03:53
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Late submissions are fine. Edit: It's more than 8 hours now and I'm harbouring concerns about your usage of the word "shortly". The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 17:46 on Nov 17, 2013 |
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Nov 17, 2013 09:35
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Dear Mister Cerato Sirium: Hi I dunno if you remember me, my name is Johnny Beemer! Thank you for comin to my birthday party. You were really AWESOME and COOL as an iron man! Daddy says no way a 1000-year-old rhino can be one but you sure proofed them incorect! I wished so wish you had put a horn up Bobby’s bottom but Momma saved him so he is a big Momma’s boy and I wont let him forget that for maybe 1000 years! Anyway it was GREAT to see you in the zoo two day! You are so much better as a zoo keeper and not a tour guide under mrs Finch the Big Bee! Your xzibits were very AMAZE BALLS , Daddy said it was a front to the valoo of soul cities but Momma told him he needs to clam down sum times (I agree with Momma (because Momma is more clever than Daddy) (daddy stop reading behind me I am genie at work). Momma says if I right you a report on the xzibithions you would be happy! So here I go! Sitting Here - A Portrait of the Endless Scatalogical Cycle of Life and Death This xzibhit is a boy in a wheel chair! He is older than me and I think he is angry. Very angry! He also has a brother who like Bobby is also a BIG JERK! He was a really BIG ONE when the wheel chair boy has a tent in his pants and Momma made me close my I’s. It felt like a joke that was an inside one which was actually quite confusing to the other two judges based on my conversation with them, and although the writing was sound and competent, the story itself suffered slightly due to its being written around the “Ock! Ock!” joke – though incredibly funny, just causes mistrust and fear among the others. So over the all even if it is a ginuwine horror story I liked it! Then Bobby said a bad word that Daddy says dis page rage gay people and we had to go. Fraction – The Eye of the Tiger After that we got to see this tiger! But the tiger is a doll and a girl is holding it and she made tiger sound and faces at me. Bobby says she is like Katy Perry in the Roar mtv where Katy shouted at a tiger and the tiger lie down! Her name is Lily. I hope I dun get cooties. I was quite taken by the whole story of Lily taking emotional refuge with a stuffed animal, and I thought the reactions of the parents to her acting like a tiger was very genuine like how young parents react to a confusing child. I had some issues, however, with the abruptness of the ending where she suddenly decided she doesn’t need Tia – the solution is sound, but I feel more description and inner thoughts could be dedicated to Lily’s transcending beyond Tia-dependency. Otherwise that tiger girl is pretty amazing although I am still scared of her cooties. Lazy Beggar – Nim Daddy tells me Nim is a monkey but nothing in the xzhibit told me it was one. Then the exzhibit jump around and hug things. Bobby says he is a tree hugger I dun get it. But seriously though I have not a single clue what is going on in this story and nobody I spoke to seem to understand what is going on beyond “Nim may be a monkey” and “the trees may actually be people”, and everyone is confused why Nim needed to be close to them to be less hollow. It is very unclear and Daddy then said who ever did this xzhibit is an orb tools idiot and Momma says honey please recall your angel management lesions. Zack_Gochuck – Polar Bear This is our first pooping animal! Animal poop is silly! Bobby says so too and we high 5s. Momma put her hand in her face. Then we saw this other daddy who also high 5 us but his kid is like, omg he is so depression. I immediately caught that the father was trying his hardest to be cheery and laugh at everything (the fries-eating was a good touch) to try to make his child happy, yet couldn’t because it was obvious he left his mom and this was a weekend visit or something similar. It was a bit clichéd, but I really liked that last bit where the father deletes the text message letter by letter. His son even got the polar doll that I wanted. What a mean jerk. MEAN JERK. I was mad so we went. sicklysweet45 – Half the Battle We saw these girls with long LONG LONG necks like girafffes! They were pretty but Daddy scream some thing like hooman ant slavemen and Momma had to clam him down. Again. Daddy should not ration his pills. I wasn’t completely enamoured with this story, mostly because I found the ending a little contrived – why would this girl (who is also THE WISEST LITTLE GIRL who to my surprise/slight annoyance even does that TURNS AROUND AT THE END TO LOOK WITH WISDOM IN HER EYES) be able to affect her so much that she is suddenly enlightened by the dreariness of her circumstances? It would be better if a mere doubt was planted in her, rather than a dramatic “MY LIFE IS ALL PAIN” which just feels a little comical. I hope their cooties are not long as their necks. Sweet_Joke_Nectar – Farewell to Woodland Park Momma made Daddy sit at a park bench so me and Bobby go buy ice creams. Then we watch an elephant poop and piss for ten minutes! It was fasinating. There were two adults who were totes depression ville looking at the elephants. Why do people come to the zoo to be sad? So I was actually quite happy your story this week was pretty solid, much unlike last week’s… effort. The dialogue feels real and the brothers act like real people who rarely talk about their FEELINGS. So please keep this up instead of the strange “lol nerds” thing last week. Then one of the adults put a smoking ziggurat in Bobby’s ice cream and he cried so we had to go again. Nubile Hillock – A bird story We saw a cowboy in the zoo. Cowboys are DUMB. Bobby said “Clint East wood is great” so I call his face dumb. Then he put ice cream (with the ziggurat) in my face and it was too cold and hot and then Daddy yelled a little. I can’t really grasp what your story is about, I want to think it’s a guy who turns into what he dislikes (a cowboy) (which incidentally is not very well portrayed, that hatred) after his girl leaves him, but the change seems superficial and the scene changes a little too abrupt. I can see this being all right illustrated but right now it’s just off key and although the dialogue is sound the pacing is off like a kid playing guitar hero on a real guitar. Daddy said keeping cowboys in zoos is cool tea. I don’t get Daddy sometimes. crabrock – It’s All Happening So this xzhibit is a family! Momma says it’s horrriffic that we put up for show disc funk channel families for the amoosement of gaping people and cried a little. Daddy laughed though, then he said I feel like a terrrible person and cried with Momma. Bobby and I are very confused. This was the broken family story I genuinely enjoyed because of how ridiculous everything is – you piled one insane thing (the Doobie’s Dog) on another (screaming child on leash), and then just refused to stop (the horrible exhibits) until the father tells him he’s having a divorce. The story became a little heartfelt and sad, and then you hit us with the mother’s line about birthdays and I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s twists upon twists and I really enjoyed it. It was super awkward for Bobby and me so Thank you for excorting us out then Mr Sirium! Kaishai – The Worth of What We Love WE WE SAW THIS PONY IT WAS LIKE A TOY PONY THIS GIRL KEPT HUGGING THE TOY PONY SHE IS GIVING THE PONY COOTIES STOP THE GIRL I really enjoyed this story, where a small action (the girl being with the pony the whole day) speaks a great message for the person affected by it the most (the protagonist who wonders about his relationship). I like the message and how you approached it, with the girl not minding her allergies, and I like the girl going “none of those are ponies” which is such a little girl thing to say. Your ending was a little too close to being too sweet but after a week of everyone being a depressed broken family member I can use a bucketload of that. THE GIRL GOT COOTIES FROM THE TOY PONY STAY AWAY FROM ME PONY Erogenous Beef – Untamed Momma said the lion xzibit was closed so we cant go. Bobby says may be we need some lion in this lion so we can lion the lion. I don’t get Bobby I think he needs your horn up his bottom. I enjoyed this a lot, despite the dreary subject of having to put down a lion. The dynamics between the two guy had a great character arc, and the wisdom displayed in how killing the lion, though wrong, is still the correct and best thing to do, is really refreshing. You were really close to being overwrought but just cut down enough, so well done and congrats on the win. Bobby says he is a lion I think he is a doodyhead who should be in a zoo. Nikaer Drekin – Homo Delphinidae Oh my! We got to the ocean park and it was great! I mean there were dolphin shows but I can’t remember! A big man jump into the pool and swam with the dolphins. I could see his wee wee! Then the smiling police men came and used tazers on him. And honestly, this fell into the “write story around a single joke” concept a little worse than Sitting Here, because the rest of the story doesn’t quite stand up to the whole “he wants to be naked with dolphins” bit and felt a bit like filler right until he stole himself away to the aquarium. Just requires some focus and this would be a better story, although it’s still about a guy with a dolphin fetish. Then a killer orka ate the naked man and there was lots of blood, Momma went to sleep on the floor and Daddy took us away. We fed Momma melted ice cream to wake her up. TheRamblingSoul – The Tyger Then we saw Katy Perry doing her mtv with a tiger but it had to stop because the tiger ate a boy. Momma went to sleep this time on a bench. Then the tiger turned into a lion for one minute ( “Hold on, dude. Just, let me get this lion to roar at us and we’ll leave, I promise we’ll go then. Hold on.”) and Daddy said we are actually seeing a history even re pits after 2007 when a tiger also ate a boy. He said California is a land futile with magic realism as history re pits itself and tigers become lions for one minutes. Also your story is not really a story, it’s mostly filler of two idiots being idiots against a tiger and then one of them gets eaten? I think if you have started your story with one of the kids being eaten, it would be much more dramatic and interesting, and it seems a misfire on your part to just retell the original Tatiana story. Then the tiger and the boy vanish becamse MAGIC and Momma wakes up and says she wants to see nothing. Bad Seafood – Nests So we saw nothing. There was a empty cage in the middle of the zoo. Daddy says it is a symbol of people being vests holding empty dreams that do not mount to any thing and we are all horror inside. Momma said Daddy is full of it and stop teaching me and Bobby exit ten cry sees. Unlike my esteemed colleagues I actually thought your story had the subtlety of a wrecking ball in telling us the kid was blind and deaf, especially when you told us he had “unseeing eyes”. However, you had the child “look up” to grandpa and it became very awkward and threw the reader off as to whether the child was really blind. It is very melancholy – and I know you do melancholy very well – and other than those few gaffes, I thought it was quite all right. We got bored looking at the nothing and left the people looking at the nothing. Sebmojo – Outside the Walls Momma cried again because it was another disk funk channel family xzhibit. Daddy told her quietly we will always be a family together because ohana means family. Everyone says I am looking too hard into things, but I thought your naming the mother and child “Louise” and “Eloise” was a clever subtle touch to show that the mother was a single parent (because surely Hard Luck Hank wouldn’t give the kid a name so close to mum’s). Your story suffered from being a part of the great Depressing Broken Family theme this week, but objectively speaking I wasn’t happy that the child got killed/hurt at the end as it felt a little contrived and cheap way to appeal to the reader’s emotion and end the story. It was really good right until after the argument though. Then Daddy and Momma kissed and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Ewwwwwwww. Ohana. Tyrannosaurus – Trying To Be A Father One of the last xzibits was a Santa Claus with tattoos and a leather vest! He is like Grampa Jack except not old and super cool beans! However his story suffered from not really being a story other than “a large biker dad brings his child to the zoo, and shows that even a blue collar unconventional guy like him can be just as good (or better) than the normal suburbs mum with their little strollers and designer bags.” I felt the contrast/allegory you wanted to do with the orangutan could be a bit better, because it was just a bit too sparse and subtle and I in fact missed it in my first read. Daddy said this zoo is all about poverty tourist and Momma said stop looking at tumblers. dmboogie – Lionheart So our zoo visit ended! Thank you for your rhino-shaped balloons. They were SUPER AWESOME and I want a pet rhino everyday. But before we left the lion xzibit came! There was one in a truck coming to the zoo and it was what Bobby says a bad rear end sam ray of the savvy. It was so late but luckily we saw a lion! I didn’t really like your story mostly because of the pacing. Your point was Daniel being upset he lost a lifelong friend to some freak accident, and going to the zoo to look at lions (which are not tigers) is his way of mourning. Is it important, then, for us to read a blow-by-blow account of Michael’s story and then tell us he died? I feel that it should be a story of Daniel mourning and then remembering Michael, which would be a stronger piece and actually a bit more heartbreaking then “rock fall Mike die”. SO THAT WAS OUR ZOO TRIP! Mommy and Daddy said the zoo visit was a test of their relation ships and they came out not wanting to di vorce was an ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! Then they kiss eww eww eww ohana. I was happy you are happy at your job and you have rhino balloons! I hope to see you sooon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny Age 8 Bath 
The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 17:04 on Nov 18, 2013 |
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Nov 18, 2013 16:46
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I'm in and takingErogenous Beef posted:* A beard that does not stop growing. Ever.
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Nov 20, 2013 02:43
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Self-imposed Caveat: Write everything without editing into the Something Awful quick reply box instead of going through a word processor, in the hopes that people would think I'm relating my real life experiences. Forgo quality, if possible. Write a short scene in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching him or speaking. gently caress. He's kneeling down already. We're on high street, Christmas decorations out early in October, ho ho ho girls half my age standing at jewelery stores baring mid-riffs in the middle of a blizzard promoting Swavorski crystal Minnie Mouse skulls, and he has his knees on the loving ground. Slab he's on is some memorial to some old fart who came to town and drank some beer. It's not appropriate. He's not appropriate. What is the time? "We could be so HAPPY," he was wailing. He's like a child. He's a baby. poo poo, I nearly had a baby with this guy. Is having a baby with a baby some kind of fetish somewhere? I should tweet that. Oh, poo poo. I seriously should tweet that. Gonna do that now. "Stop using your phone," said baby. He has snot trailing down his nose. Reminder to self: nearly had baby with this guy. "I bought you that stop using it it's mine no it oh, oh god, I can't even look at you." Speaking of looking, now I'm being looked at. Queen Bitch of gently caress Street. gently caress you, shitlords. Did you have a guy kneeling down in front of you today? Thought so. Oh, this guy is holding up a phone. Can he use his phone? I can't use mine because I'm not allowed to, have you heard. I probably should say something passive aggressive now. Eh. Oh, is he filming this? I hope this goes on youtube. I hope you, baby, go on youtube. "Why did you do it!" baby screamed. So cute. "Why did you tell everyone I sucked Erogenous Beff's cock!" Cool, gonna get one million hits. Better blindtweet tv agents now. Oh, guy's still filming. Smile and make a victory sign. Five million hits. Why are you still here? Write a short scene set at a lake, with trees and poo poo. Throw some birds in there, too. "We are birds!" he was yelling, "We are beautiful creatures of nature! Gaze upon this lake and its beautiful clear waters. Look at the mountains and the vista it promises! Look at the trees and the leaves! Look down on this poo poo on the ground! Look at the flies! Look at it! I am a bird! Birds bathe in poo poo! Join me!" He jumps into the pile of poo poo and takes off his clothes. He's yelling at me. I can't. I'm not joining. The weather is dry and warm but my face is wet. He's my brother and I thought bringing him here camping would make it better. It's not, it's not, it's my fault I'm not stopping him from taking off his clothes and rubbing himself in some week-old animal poo poo. No, no, it's not my fault it's that girl who wrote on facebook he sucked Erogenous Beef's cock. It's my fault. It's not my fault. My eyes are hurting now. Would wiping them with my tears help? Popular music is often a good source of writing inspiration. Rewrite Bob Dylan’s “Visions of Johanna” as a play. Male 1: I have never listened to Bob Dylan. Male 2: You are a philistine. Male 2: You suck Erogenous Beef's penis. (Male 1 bursts into tears and breaks guitar over Male 2's head. Male 2 suffers from serious head wounds, and dies in pain over several hours on a veterinarian's surgical table. Male 1 is arrested by the dog police, for hurting Male 2, who is a dog.)
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Nov 22, 2013 04:01
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“What I am about to describe to you,” she said. “Is a crime against fiction.”quote:The Failed Buffet Attack, Pro Forma Murakami (1,230 words) “Barba crescit caput nescit,” she said, puffing her cigarette. “ Beard grows, head doesn’t grow wiser. That’s the moral.” “I suppose,” Erik said. “You said you didn’t like the story.” She shrugged. “I didn’t like it, not just because it happened to me, and my ex was a massive illiterate jerk. It treads way too heavily on an existing literary piece and it relies too much on the reader’s knowledge of it. Doesn’t bring anything new to the table. Only thing, maybe, is trading charm for faked irreverence. Trying to make everything too cute and quirky and stuff. The dad’s obesity, that was probably too much and the joke will die in a year’s time. Some of the real things are just too ridiculous, probably can be taken out.” She played with the cigarette in her hand. “But it’s a true story, and true’s true. Hard to deviate.” “All good stories,” Erik said. “Would always have that ring of truth to it.” “That’s fair,” she said. She took one last drag and flicked the stub away. “Would you prefer another version of the truth?” “If the imagined facts would make the fiction better,” Erik said. “Then what I’m about to tell you,” she said, “is the redemption for the murder of fiction.” But that was a tale for another day. (Prompt: Buffet/Beard. Reference story) The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 09:01 on Nov 25, 2013 |
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Nov 25, 2013 08:56
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Walamor posted:Flash Rule: Your protag must be on an nontraditional vacation and your story must reflect that, not just be mere window dressing. Sure why not. Flash Rule: Your protag is a rhino. EDIT: That rhino is depressed. The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 06:43 on Nov 27, 2013 |
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Nov 27, 2013 06:41
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Work priorities mean I have to drop it like it's hot.
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Dec 2, 2013 04:47
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Radioactive Bears posted:I don't seem to be capable of writing anything that doesn't seem at least slightly, mildly offensive. Gonna drop. Wah Lau what dumb kind of reason is this la, I turn on internet explorer to see gwailo try to write like Singapore with his powder full England and then he blur already say "no inspiration scared we angry". I tell you I can puke hear this excuse. Never trust the Lao wai anymore.
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Dec 16, 2013 03:33
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I love this thread so much.
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Dec 19, 2013 07:43
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The Leper Colon V posted:At least you're not me. I look forward to the new thread in the new year where white noise posts like this will stop forever.
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Dec 31, 2013 05:55
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