Mom freaks out over TV show-now wants us to throw out our stuff

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Mom freaks out over TV show-now wants us to throw out our stuff

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

docbeard posted:

Yeah, if you're with a reputable, established company, it probably wouldn't at all be the shady hell you're imagining. And if it's too much for you, you can always quit. Also, if you're really lucky, you can hook up with Barbara Stanwyck and murder her husband for the insurance money. Edward G. Robinson probably won't catch on.

I bet if you don't take out a double-indemnity policy then you will probably fly under the radar.

CountingCrows posted:

So goons, is the job market in good o'l America really this dismal? Or does OP give off vibes of "Hahahah, yeah right" whenever someone considers him for even the most menial low skilled job?

There's yardwork, housecleaning, snow shoveling during winter and any number of jobs that you can be doing that are tedious and don't pay well but are steady work. If you are not a fat shut-in then you can usually get picked up for a short-term construction crew over summers. There is work available for folks who seek it out.

# ¿ Mar 25, 2013 06:03

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 00:19

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Tamarillo posted:

One thing I hate though is the 'we'll keep you on file!' No one does this, not in retail, not in corporate.

I actually put them into a little file so there you go, now you know one person who actually does this.

On the other hand I just had someone send me a perfectly helpful cover letter. The gist of it was, "I know I'm not qualified at all but I sure wanna work for you!" Oh good, well thanks for letting me know right off the bat how you aren't qualified for anything. *bam* into the trash pile.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2013 00:58

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Benny the Snake posted:

Allright, I'm back from the job fair. There were five job recruiters present and a list of the jobs available. I could only apply to three, given how most of the positions were engineering and mechanical jobs and because of transportation constraints. Unfortunately, one of the recruiters left early for the day so I only applied to two.

Then I got a pissboner because I was thinking of this really awesome new story called The Sexy Oracle and had to run to the bathroom and pee and wait a bit for things to settle down and by then there was only one recruiter there. In a panic, I forgot to slide open the door lock on the bathroom stall and ended up nearly knocking myself unconscious as I rebounded off the cold steel walls of the toilets. Picking myself up and taking stock I noticed I still had my resume, typing certification, and letter of recommendation from my internship. To my horror, the thank you note for my interviewer had fallen out of my binder (not my fault, it's one of those cheap ones from the dollar store. They never fit all the papers quite right) and landed in a puddle of someone's urine. I tried to brush it off but that just spread things around and since I hadn't gotten an interview yet I realized that maybe the thank you note was a bit premature.

Concentrating extra hard I remembered to slide the latch back and then open the door. I dropped the soggy note into the trash, washed my hands and headed out to see the last job recruiter but by then, there were none.

Just typing this up real fast on my way home. Mom says it's okay, I can always try at the next job fair and tonight is hot pockets and pizza rolls night so it's not a total loss!

# ¿ Feb 14, 2014 22:50

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Fugue Stater posted:

If he doesn't want to fill us in on what's going on, we have no choice but to play the Guessing Game!

I reckon Benny showed up for his first library shift 2 hours early (to be super responsible). To kill time, he made his way to the comics section, where he got into an argument with an 8 year old boy named Cameron about who would win between Dark Phoenix and that big blobby pink dude from Dragon Ball Z. Cameron tired of verbal sparring and decided to start throwing hadukens at Benny, and Benny had no choice but to defend himself. The aspiring intern tried to do Blanka's flying ball self-projectile attack, forgetting for a second that he was not an electrified superhuman from a videogame. As he threw himself into an awkward somersault on the carpet, his body slammed into the shelves, knocking a full row of shelving over, which then caused the entire young adult section to topple like a row of dominoes. As the library staff hurried over to investigate, Benny looked around frantically and finally settled his eyes on the 8-year old standing shocked before him.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Benny yelled at the kid.

Unfortunately for Benny, their escalating antics had been observed by several library patrons, one of whom came over and just shook his head, sadly.

The observers all started talking at once about what they'd seen, and the librarian who'd interviewed Benny pulled him aside and said, "Listen Benny, maybe this position isn't the right fit for you. Perhaps you'd be better suited for..." He paused and his face contorted into a pained smile. "Uh, something else."

Benny went home and began to write a post on Something Awful about how his first day went pretty well, and he even had some deep interactions with the clientele, but in the end they wanted to use his talents elsewhere and they'd probably get back to him when they found such a position.

Before he could finish the post, an email notification appeared: his favorite webcomic had posted a new episode. The rest of the day was spent on that comic's forums vigorously defending a carefully constructed conspiracy theory about how half the characters in the comic were secretly Mexicans with a murderous past.

Yes.

I want to believe.

# ¿ Mar 28, 2014 22:36

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Bung Harmer posted:

You do this EVERY loving TIME. You 'figure' out some sort of solution when it's too late. Why didn't you think of this when you were at work.

See The_entire_Benny_thread for an explanation.

# ¿ May 29, 2014 19:12

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Benny the Snake posted:

It's not exactly professional, but it does tie into my current volunteering and would look really good on my resume.

I have a mean-spirited little chuckle every time I read that sentence.

Oh Benny. :allears:

A job you hold down for more than a couple weeks would look good on your resume, not this silly volunteer poo poo. But, "Benny" so I understand why that's just not happening for you.

# ¿ Jun 3, 2014 00:42

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

crabrock posted:

So tell me, people who say he just needs to bootstrap, what jobs are there for somebody with no skills, doesn't need anything to be "done", where he can show up if he feels like it, be totally unsupervised, and money isn't an object?

cname posted:

Library volunteer.

The system works.

# ¿ Jun 4, 2014 00:08

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Benny the Snake posted:

My library is literally stuffed with donations. No matter how many we recycle or how many we put into boxes into storage, we still get buried by donations.

Let's think about this for a moment. Why is your library stuffed with donations? Why are people giving away their books by the truckload? When was the last time you saw a bunch of people opening up used bookstores in your town?

The answer is never because there's basically no money in this venture. Here are some ways you could make this work:
- Help them organize and run another big Book By the Pound sale.
- Research local paper companies and recycling places to see if any of them buy books for reprocessing into paper. You'll need to get a quote for poundage.

Who in the hell wants to buy a bunch of donated library books? Well, apart from my dad but he's probably read everything in the mystery section already so he'd just pass.

Benny the Snake posted:

Notice I said "my volunteer time". I'm currently volunteering two hours a day for two days a week as per their scheduling. I'll talk to my superior about volunteering for five days out of the week at two hours a day and move from there. The rest of my time will be spent applying for jobs.

Fukkkkk 4 hours a week? You currently work 4 hours a week as a grown man? Holy poo poo.

Don't bother uploading a picture of your degree, get the gently caress off the internet and go find something productive to do. Go mow the lawn (don't touch the spinny parts of the mower). Go ride a bicycle. Do anything in the world except stay online a second longer. Maybe in a little while you'll start filling your time with poo poo that isn't so drat shameful and you can come back a year from now and tell us how you've got a job and a sweetass new apartment and you can pity us losers who are still posting in here.

Don't worry, we'll keep the thread open for you.

# ¿ Jun 4, 2014 08:12

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

Uncle Salty posted:

The thing is, they get better because they make mistakes, and are corrected, and then eventually form new routines. But this takes more than three weeks on the job. Part of my goals for them in these entry level positions are to help them build very basic workplace skills, because how else are you going to learn to do something like "check your voicemail every day, don't let the messages pile up". (Insert 10,000 goons telling me "What, nah, you stupid bitch, I never check my work messages if it's important they'll email me eventually.")

You're a pretty nice boss. In the future I only want to hire folks that are 30+ so I don't have to put up with that poo poo. Sadly, that won't happen but I can dream.

oval office raja posted:

THERAPY!!
INSURANCE!!
FIX YO TEEF!!

# ¿ Jun 7, 2014 00:23

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 00:19

CuddleChunks: Sep 18, 2004

I bet he could make a bunch of Bennybux walking dogs. It would get him out in the fresh air and he should have a natural affinity for stupid loving animals. It's a meeting of the minds.

# ¿ Jun 10, 2014 22:17

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