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SaltLick posted:Those are good tweets that speak to me. Especially the one about shark week. drat I hate how everyone goes nutso over shark week. Same. It's like "hey could you guys please calm down about the sharks already!" Geez.
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Aug 11, 2013 17:34
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My extremely gay friend had an 80′s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
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Aug 14, 2013 09:57
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Super Aggro Crag posted:I posted that on my Facebook as well and this girl told me to "shut the gently caress up" and meant it. The bitch loves her sharks I guess
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Aug 14, 2013 12:32
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The only girls that look at me like I'm a piece of meat are vegetarians.
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Aug 14, 2013 16:27
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Super Aggro Crag posted:I posted that on my Facebook as well and this girl told me to "shut the gently caress up" and meant it. Haha you got owned by that girl. She wasn't telling you to "shut the gently caress up" about shark week, but probably about everything, in general, ever.
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Aug 14, 2013 17:27
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Super Aggro Crag posted:I posted that on my Facebook as well and this girl told me to "shut the gently caress up" and meant it.
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Aug 14, 2013 17:35
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Nah, she just really loves Shark Week. Eating hummus out of a bowl with a spoon. So yeah, I guess you could say my day is going well.
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Aug 14, 2013 18:33
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We need more rpollestad! Content: Thanks Dr. Martin Luther King Jr... Now I'm judged by the content of my character... GOD DAMNIT!
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Aug 29, 2013 03:31
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Actual headline I just read: "Video: Miley Cyrus Spanks Twerking Dwarf". This must be what it felt like to live through the Renaissance.
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Sep 9, 2013 20:04
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I posted this one the other day after getting done at the gym: These high winds are really going together well with my sweaty hair to help me pull off that "hot garbage" look I was trying for.
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Sep 9, 2013 20:39
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Super Aggro Crag posted:I posted that on my Facebook as well and this girl told me to "shut the gently caress up" and meant it. She should have told you to "shark the gently caress up". It would have been appropriate. Missed opportunity tbqh.
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Sep 9, 2013 22:33
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I don't get why they don't use chromosomes in advertising. Because you know... sex cells.
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Sep 10, 2013 00:00
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I'll never play that "derive your porn-star name from the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on" game again after meeting "FerileCat SkidRow."
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Sep 10, 2013 00:49
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"What? That was yesterday???" #oops #shitIforgot
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Sep 12, 2013 15:18
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I'm the Rain Man of counting how much fried chicken is left in the bucket.
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Sep 12, 2013 15:59
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Sometimes I like to stick carrots in my mouth and pretend I'm a 19030s gangster saying 'Yeeah, seee?" in a silly accent - Other retarded things I do is <rest of my life>
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Sep 14, 2013 23:42
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Empty liquor bottles are excellent makeshift toilet roll holders.
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Sep 15, 2013 20:53
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Sometimes when I clean the cats' litterbox I like to pretend I'm in a treasure hunt gone terribly wrong.
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Sep 16, 2013 21:44
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gallilee posted:Sometimes when I clean the cats' litterbox I like to pretend I'm in a treasure hunt gone terribly wrong. I've heard it as: quote:Whenever I clean the cat's litterbox, I pretend I'm an incredibly unfortunate gold panner from the 1800's.
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Sep 17, 2013 21:04
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Mogambo posted:I just realized ducks can't hug and now I will not be able to sleep. I know this was a while ago but this is me and my Swedish Blue duck Mabel. It isn't exactly a "hug" but she wrapped her head up against my neck and that is close enough for me. So sleep well, my friend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xf_0-7G6u3s Deus Ex Macklemore has a new favorite as of 04:31 on Sep 18, 2013 |
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Sep 18, 2013 04:28
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My favorite one I've posted in the last little while is-- "shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche" (I googled this out of curiosity after I thought of it and apparently it's been done before which isn't too surprising) Just before that-- "Do people who work out because it makes them feel good know about naps?" "Multi-million dollar idea: Combine police & fire station into one mobile response unit, name it Guns & Hoses" "Almost got in a car wreck because I was choking on a Frappucino, if you're making a list of the whitest ways to die" Gay Horney has a new favorite as of 02:41 on Sep 21, 2013 |
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Sep 18, 2013 22:28
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It's good to see this back: When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood. You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally. Is it rude to throw breath mints into someone's mouth while they're talking? Me: You know what cures a headache right? GF: Tylenol Me: You know what else cures a headache? GF: Advil Me: You know what else ...... *throws keys at nearest sober person* DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"
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Sep 19, 2013 20:05
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First it was "When you're ready come and get it" now its "Slow down." Hey Selena Gomez, quit sending mixed messages. I'm looking forward to her next album, "Songs from the Borderline" featuring the hit song "I hate you, don't leave me."
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Sep 22, 2013 16:27
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Restraining orders are just suggestions, right?
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Sep 23, 2013 16:27
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I've come to accept that startling the pigeons away as I get out of my car is the closest I'm ever going to have to a "John Woo moment"... Local single women, discount value tools and van hire. I'm not quite sure what Facebook's adverts are telling me to do here... First of all, if you approach me while I'm eating and you're waving a table leg, I'm going to punch first and ask questions later. That said, I'd like to apologize to my Italian waiter - but in my defence, who needs a pepper grinder that big...? After spending far too long on Youtube, I've come to conclusion that the only way to beat Jackie Chan in a fight is to face him in a completely empty room and not wear clothing... "We think you're over qualified for this job" is the employment version of "it's not you, it's me"... Well I've trimmed the beard and am now hovering somewhere between "80s strongman" and "that PE teacher who always insisted on making sure you showered properly" I've now completed all the exercises in the Rocky 3 montage except for the padwork, skipping, beach sprints, ab work, weights, bag work and one armed push ups. So to sum up, I’ve worn a crop top and frolicked in the sea with a black man. I'm torn between being annoyed at stepping in white dog poo and being excited at the possibility that I have travelled back in time... Yeah, I'm no rpollestad
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Sep 25, 2013 13:21
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Dog_Meat posted:Yeah, I'm no rpollestad You're doin' just fine, buddy.
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Sep 25, 2013 16:17
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Government shuts down -> No money for cool military stuff -> Tom Clancy dies. Thanks, Obama.
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Oct 2, 2013 17:54
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Saw a good one today. Can I burn down your house? No Just the 2nd floor? No Garage? No Let's talk about what I can burn down. No YOU AREN'T COMPROMISING!
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Oct 3, 2013 03:18
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Came up with this today. Feel like it could do with some work...quote:Like or share my status if you agree that liking or sharing some half-baked, crack-pot theory status update on Facebook is a ridiculous concept. A friend of a friend of mine reckons that they're made up by terrorists anyway, and that every time it gets shared or liked, you are supporting terrorism.
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Oct 4, 2013 14:20
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I'm not saying this place is turning into a corporate hell hole, but yesterday I had a sudden need to Kevin Bacon dance my way across the car park (birthday status) 35 years to the very day, I'm once again naked, covered in mucus and being slapped by a doctor Note to self - next time your friend's son says he wants to be Batman, don't offer to kill his parents to "start him on his way" I know I'm getting old and domesticated when I have a shovel, rope and a plastic sheet in my boot and it's not because I got a call at 3am from a friend saying "it happened again" Emergency stop as a small child runs into the road behind an ice cream van. So far my Sunday morning is a bit of a cliche Yeah, so work SAY they want me to test all the security and look for potential ways in, but when you kidnap someone's family and torture them for their password you're "crossing the line" Overall I'm happy, but sometimes I feel sad that my life will never justify a Kenny Loggins sound track
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Oct 8, 2013 10:51
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These aren't mine. just want a boyfriend who's into making the crash bandicoot ooga booga noise on command in bed. seriously. how is that too much to ask does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen Earth is terrible. Trees clawing at the sky. Birds screaming for sex. Water endlessly carving away land. People baring their teeth in joy. oh poo poo you hear that, its the baby siren. the drill head babies are already emerging from the ground ran into a barn to hide from a mean goose and was surrounded by all these weird looking tall dogs the farmer dude called "horses" or w/e
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Oct 8, 2013 23:46
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Also not mine: Are you okay? You seem stupid. Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk. Remember: Bros before hoes. Because gardening is fun, but it's not worth losing a friend. Claustraphobia: the fear of closed spaces, e.g. Every time I go to the liquor store I'm scared it might be closed. "That's one small step for man. That's one open fridge for man. That's one good sandwich for-" "Neil! Stop." "I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET" Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer Earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder. Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested? An artist, a statesman, and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you, Adolph?
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Oct 9, 2013 06:17
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I bet if the X-Men were pirates they'd start a lot of mutinies. I bet Sloppy Joel's would taste a lot different. I bet Jellofish would be a lot different. Or maybe not. Just flavored. Accidentally said "Drain the Wizard" which makes more sense if you think about it. If there was a huge killer hurricane with the same name as me, I'd feel a small sense of pride. Screw the scientific names, name a constellation "Fat Guy In A Little Coat" and maybe I'd care. Y'know what gets me down sometimes? Elevators. How creepy would it be if a stranger came up to you and said the things that are written on taco bell border sauce packets? Old people gently caress. Just a gross reminder for ya. People who are good at bowling take it way too seriously. Taking a page from rapper Flo Rida's book I've decided to call myself In Diana. Debut album coming soon. I bet Sun Tzu had a wallet that said, "Bad Motherfucker." Million Dollar Idea: Duck flavored crackers, call 'em Quackers. In a deck of cards the 4 is a cheap imitation of an Ace. I wonder if Bill Murray ever asked a lady if she wanted to get Murrayed but she thought he meant married until he killed her with his tongue How come yesterday isn't called fromorrow? Watched Mad Men with my wife, she said I remind her of Don Draper then later in the episode called him a sleazeball. And then we had sex Ya ever have one-a those Fraudian slips? Good is a compliment to the Mediocre but an insult to the Great. I bet I was the pirate who asked the new guy if he ever tried loving a table, then I'd unveil my peg leg and say "Boy, My Daddy sure did!" I bet I was the pirate who asked the new guy if he'd like to try to steer the ship on his first day. If so I threw him overboard for mutiny. I tried watching the News but there wasn't any. Does an optimistic racist consider Obama to be half white, while a pessimistic one considers him half black? Whenever someone asks if we have a cheese grater I say "No, we only have a gooder." No one laughs and I die a little inside. From my twitter. Most of them are a few years old.
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Oct 9, 2013 10:27
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loves Banksy's New York street exhibitions. It's a shame that they keep getting covered up in crude and artless graffiti by disrespectful bla-I MEAN RIVAL ARTISTS. How dare they shamelessly vandalize walls containing the brilliant work of a good whit-I MEAN RECLUSIVE ENGLISH GENIUS.
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Oct 11, 2013 05:16
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I posted a picture of a massive blister on the bottom of my foot that I got from a recent 10k with the caption: I guess it's like they say: "blisters are a windows into your.... sole" 1 like 
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Oct 12, 2013 02:08
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These have been pretty popular for me. I'm not nearly an rpollestad but maybe you'll get some laughs out of them. I think the only one that may be an already-done status is the nickelback one, but it's loving nickelback soooooo: Queso I guess people don't like puns anymore. Is cheesy humor uncool or something? They should really Brie more grateful; it's tough to Kraft a good one these days. (Also, if for whatever reason your friends are cool and play along, feel free to use these as you see fit: 'I've created a Muenster', "I'm gonna Moudou you over this" "Yes, I have an abondance of puns", "STOP IT YOU'RE BUCHERON THE JOKE", "These are getting Harzer and Harzer to come up with", "Don't be such a Weisslacker", "Manouri silly or what?" "Well, if you don't like them, Abbey Blue" "You're starting to cross the line into unfunny territory - your last one was a real Ardsallagh".) -------------------- We've become so distrustful of our government that Congress now has a lower approval rating than Nickelback. Let's let that sink in for a minute. -------------------- If ever I end up in a coma, I hereby request that the hospital not shave my face so that if I ever wake up I can at least pretend to be Gandalf. -------------------- Next time you get upset with someone, just remember that they aggressively touch their butthole at least once every day. -------------------- I may scream like a dainty lady, but I punch like a man! -------------------- If you're a landlord and your one big perk in your craigslist ad is "only a 6 minute walk from the medical center!" I should automatically get half off. -------------------- To the guy I accidentally made eye contact with in that alley while scratching my balls, sorry, didn't mean to lead you on just now.
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Oct 22, 2013 07:21
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I mostly just share news items and bait racists. I do have a couple my own recent ones though, and my own are obvs my favourite because I'm a total dick:quote:Just watched a segment on The Project about how Facebook can make people feel like their own lives are boring or that they aren't living as well as they could be - that seeing the glamorous highlight reel of their friend's lives makes them feel worse about their own. quote:I enjoy being self-deprecating with my humour, but I'm not very good at it. quote:Home alone for the next five days. I'm gonna listen to SO MUCH MEAT LOAF. quote:Well dudes it's been a nice run but I've just started listening to the Glee soundtrack again, see you on the other side again I guess quote:Really want to see one of those "My Family" rear window decals with just one lady and a whole bunch of cats. quote:I'm not racist but I treat people differently based on their ethnic background. quote:Rolling around the office like some obese bearded katamari And some of the better ones I've seen floating around: quote:Obama feeding his daughter "Open up, here comes the drone" *spoon flying through the air by itself, dumps food on the dog instead* quote:Steve Jobs, a sociopath, died of cancer he treated homeopathically until dead. He leaves behind no charity work & a crass matertialist virus quote:My AMAZING mum turns 54 today. Happy birthday, mum. I know you probably won't read this, so... BUTTS! BIG STINK BUTTS! oh god im sorry mum
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Oct 22, 2013 11:12
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Plan B is just another form of Ctrl-Z.
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Oct 22, 2013 11:42
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I don't know if I came up with this or just don't remember reading it somewhere at some point. I was bitten by a radio-active spider once. It didn't give me any cool super powers. People just get the willies around me now.
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Oct 22, 2013 19:02
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Also not mine: Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff. "Wow. Awkward." - guy who was just asked to name two words with two w's in them. Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first. It's so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me. Yeah, I'll go with that. *touches a turtle* *dies* *touches a plant* *dies* Wow Mario are you allergic to everything? As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) Y U NO When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date. Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza. Are you okay? You seem stupid.
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Oct 22, 2013 20:04
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