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The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
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Nov 20, 2013 20:43
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This will forever be my favourite.
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Nov 20, 2013 20:46
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ulvir posted:This will forever be my favourite.  
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Nov 21, 2013 10:18
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I'm starting to think my issues with leadership stem from the time I was made plantation owner of my first grade classroom for a day as part of a school exercise about slavery. (This actually happened by the way but that's a story for another time)
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Nov 25, 2013 12:35
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I searched the hashtag NaNoWriMoOpeners and god drat it has some gold. @drewtoothpaste 1 Nov "No!" Fluttershy screamed in terror. "Friendship may be magic," I replied, drawing my katana, "but the friendzone is not." #NaNoWriMoOpeners @badsnacks 3 Nov Richard Dawkins begins to sweat. He is next in line at airport security. Inside his anus, four jars of honey clink softly #NaNoWriMoOpeners @ahuj9 12 Sep "Marty! It's Doc Brown! I just realized we can use this car to stop you from being circumcised! #NaNoWriMoOpeners
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Nov 26, 2013 00:34
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75% of human genetic makeup is the same as a pumpkin. So this Thanksgiving, remember that eating pumpkin pie is 3/4ths cannibalism!
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Nov 26, 2013 22:07
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.
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Nov 27, 2013 15:52
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I wonder if that broccoli in the produce aisle ever looks over at the cauliflower and thinks "holy poo poo, a ghost!" Wow that bitch is walking slow. #AtTheAlter When Aaron Rodgers goes to restaurants I bet he gets charged twice, and then the waiter gets all in his face and yells "DOUBLE CHECK" Things They Don't Teach You in School: Most potential employers do not consider "knows how to Dougie" a useful skill.
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Nov 27, 2013 18:46
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Shamelessly stolen from Ghoul: Everyone is mad at that Lostprophets guy, but no one is asking the important question: What we're those babies wearing?
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Nov 27, 2013 19:38
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Double Muhammad posted:Shamelessly stolen from Ghoul: Hooooooooooooooooooooly poo poo. For those in the United Kingdom... X X X X X This will be the best Christmas Walford's ever seen!
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Nov 27, 2013 19:59
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If choosing a significant other was like choosing a phone, then we would all buy Asian because they last longer and don't try to correct your spelling The wealth of the rich is paid with the blood of the poor Stretch marks? Your body is not ruined. You're a goddamn tiger who earned her stripes DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS, AFTER A WHILE YOU DONT EVEN NOTICE YOU ARE DOING IT (NO ONE ELSE WILL NOTICE EITHER) Studies show that men are becoming less manly since the invention of power steering in 1970 Sometimes life throws you a cow level I have a 2 part question. 1) What would you do if you were going to die? And 2) How did you convince yourself that you weren't? Old enough to know better, young enough to not give a gently caress 5 Ways to be terribly boring: 1. Think about writing a book , but never do it. 2. Think about starting your own business, but never do it. 3. Never finish things you start Isn't "now" the only time that you actually have control over? Delightful consolidation of insanity Artist epiphany: A revolutionary idea that realistically only occurs during showers, during class, or at 3AM in the morning Buddy says to me one time... he says, "Either you runs the day, my son, or the day runs you" Someone with iphone: sends too many small texts, random words dont make sense Someone with Blackberry: Correct punctuation, gets upset when you dont reply Someone with Nokia: Never responds to texts, often uses phone to hammer nails into wood Next time you get access to your friends computer, open the Fonts folder and delete every font except for Comic Sans
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Dec 6, 2013 02:21
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You spent 27 years in jail, but you finally got to meet the Spice Girls. RIP Morgan Freeman
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Dec 6, 2013 09:24
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Heads up – the NSA revalidation of its surveillance program includes a complete recall of all Elves on the Shelf.
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Dec 18, 2013 21:07
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Thanks to China, Bitcoin is plummeting. Had this affected Wall Street, we'd probably be hearing about all kinds of suicides, but I guess it's a good thing Bitcoin investors can't actually get hurt jumping out the window of their mom's basement.
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Dec 19, 2013 00:16
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Drewski posted:Thanks to China, Bitcoin is plummeting. Had this affected Wall Street, we'd probably be hearing about all kinds of suicides. I guess it's a good thing Bitcoin investors can't actually get hurt jumping out the window of their mom's basement. This is really, really close to being an actual joke.
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Dec 19, 2013 00:21
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You and me, we're kindred spirits surviving the tundra of life. Fighting the wolves of despair. But right now you have to draw 2 cards. Uno. Pizza delivery but with big-rigs. 30 minutes or you get to use the horn. "I'm not going to put Up with this anymore." I say, updating the list of Pixar movies I haven't seen.
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Dec 19, 2013 03:42
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Dead thread but here are some recent fun ones: Knock, Knock Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting co... HONEY CAN YOU GET THE BIG MIXING BOWL OFF THE TOP SHELF? * My spirit animal has its own late-night commercial complete with that one Sarah Mclaughlan song. * I struggle with adulthood like Henry Rollins struggles with a turtleneck. * Someone said I should listen to white noise to help put me to sleep. Unfortunately I don't get the Fox News channel. * I want a job at Subway. I'll be the Jackson Pollock of Sandwich artists. * Somebody told me dogs can't look up. There goes my "Wikipedia for Dogs" idea. * If the "Wang Chung" is a dance, I imagine it looking like Kramer from Seinfeld constantly entering a room. * Bucket list item #43: Write a Facebook status update so terrible I get picked up as a writer on "Family Guy" * I'm either drunk out of my mind, or writing the lyrics for the next 'Beck' album. * The best thing about being Serpico is people calling you mothherfucking Serpico * I saved 15 percent or more on my car insurance by switching to "none". * I'd sooner shove a camel up my mom's oval office... Oh, Sorry, I mean "no," -- drat you, autocorrect. * I have yet to find a tactful way of inquiring about the price of Jewish braided bread. (Yeah, I'm no rpollestad or Cluricaun. They're gone. The last thread ran 'em off. We're all that's left) Clockwork Sputnik has a new favorite as of 13:08 on Dec 29, 2013 |
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Dec 29, 2013 12:35
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They're gone, it's sad but true. Here's a few I've found... Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families. My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t Pretty sure if you didn’t want me to organize your contact list by naming everyone Bert, you wouldn’t have left your phone here. The advice "The Gambler" gives Kenny Rogers is at best really basic and at worst completely useless. That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass "You knew what you were getting into, Charlene" "Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage" "YOU READ MY BIO" My girlfriend said she wanted to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool. drat, baby got back. And front. And sides. Baby three-dimensional. This is a real baby. Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her. #Christmas The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam. Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?! Him: "Nothing. I'm good." WHEN DO WE WANT IT? "Seriously, knock it off." I GOT A NEW BULLHORN! "I can see that.. People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.
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Dec 29, 2013 13:28
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This is more of an unintentional funny facebook update, but an engineer from my work posted this: "Two nights in a row sampling the Sonoran hot dog. It's a party in my mouth!" Knowing this guy, I can assure you he has no idea what he unleashed.
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Dec 30, 2013 08:28
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Clockwork Sputnik posted:(Yeah, I'm no rpollestad or Cluricaun. They're gone. The last thread ran 'em off. We're all that's left) rpollestad still tweets a shitload and some of his tweets are p funny
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Dec 30, 2013 15:09
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SheepNameKiller posted:rpollestad still tweets a shitload and some of his tweets are p funny I just looked up that name and could not find it under twitter, what is his twitter handle?
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Dec 30, 2013 16:21
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kalvick posted:I just looked up that name and could not find it under twitter, what is his twitter handle? @p_net- he posted it in the either the last status thread or the one before.
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Dec 30, 2013 16:26
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Let me tell you all a very bittersweet story. Let's just call it: "Karma" - So once upon a time in a land far away there was a special and sweet kid who had a dream to become a painter. He was a brilliant artist and was ahead of his time. He had hopes, and dreams just like we all do. Unfortunately, the art schools did not feel the same as he and they rejected him. Fast forward a few years later and he was roughed up and bullied on top of that by the same people he once loved. His Name was Hitler. Then fast forward a few generations, there was once upon a time a young lady who also had the same hopes and dreams as Hitler did. She probably loved the Jews as much as they hated her. She still loved them. As a matter of fact, the majority of her friends were Jewish. She loved them so very much and just wanted to be accepted by them that she even tried to covert to Judaism, but no. It was still not good enough for them. They mocked her, rejected her and laughed at her through and through when all she ever did was show them love. Her name was Tila Tequila. -
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Dec 30, 2013 18:32
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I feel like I heard this before somewhere: The Shadow knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, but can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
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Dec 31, 2013 17:49
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It is by will alone I set my beer in motion....
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Dec 31, 2013 21:32
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I love it when my crazy, funny anarchist friend gets on facebook:quote:i'm offering free music lessons to anyone who is interested. i can show you things on Guitar, Bass, and keys. I can get you started on flute.
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Jan 2, 2014 04:46
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You know those bumper stickers that say "If babies had guns then there would be no abortions," are you sure about that? What about Stand Your Ground? An abortion could certainly be considered self-defense in such a case.
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Jan 4, 2014 00:04
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My crazy friend is on a roll.quote:bitch you think you social networkin. i be talkin to birds n poo poo. gently caress yo tweets i be tweetin to my winged friends and they be tweeting right back at me. you got a silencer on yo tweeets n poo poo man think you know how to network man. me and these animals know they it ain't college that helps you find worms man it's fuckin social networkin man. early bird gets that poo poo. yall big rear end birds out there think you hot poo poo tryin to steal our poo poo naw man we got two little dudes 1/10 your size swooopin at you straight tearing you apart man throwin yo rear end into da food processor. turn you into a gas station taquito man you don't even resemble anything that ever was a bird. you like bird syrup that was squeezed out of a tube and rolled up in a quick trip taquito man.
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Jan 5, 2014 09:23
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Your friend is not "crazy", nor do they write good posts.
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Jan 5, 2014 20:19
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My friend posted this "thanks a lot obama!" Got about 4 likes, no shares. Pretty successful status update, may steal it for my own.
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Jan 8, 2014 06:50
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quote:1. If you have to take every loving little thing I say or share or comment on to the extreme, then you should calm the gently caress down.
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Jan 8, 2014 15:26
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I'd like to thank the cosmetic industry for single-handedly influencing women to take action in their lives so that their makeup was not wasted that day. They say Genghis Khan never grew tired of banging new women. But he also didn't have to deal with cosmo women trying to slip a finger into his butthole Make fun of Morse code all you want, it still got replies faster than texting. When you RSVP a facebook event on the weekend, the "maybe" option should be changed so it reads as "convince me" I'd like to go back 100 000 years so I could become the Joe Francis of Neanderthal porn Girlfriend test: Go to a concert and get backstage. If she doesn't gently caress the band then break up with her. She must be an ugly ho
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Feb 14, 2014 15:19
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Knowing when to stop is a gift. It's not a gift I have, but it's a gift nonetheless. "But I can't conquer China, it's way too big..." Now Genghis, what do I always say? *Sighs* "I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't" Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) - Psychotic candy maker enslaves entire ethnicity, kills children, and chooses protege. Flowers and chocolate: murdering a plant and then making someone fat, to express your love. DATE TIP: Set the tone for romance. Have 70-100 candles lit in your car when you pick her up.
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Feb 15, 2014 11:49
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Wikipedia defines me as "Error 404: article not found."
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Feb 15, 2014 15:49
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I have never gotten busy in a Burger King bathroom, but there are certain Roy Rogers' franchises that I am no longer allowed to frequent.
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Mar 14, 2014 13:03
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I feel bad seeing couples fight in public. I feel even worse placing bets on them. Humans give little gold humans out to other humans who pretend to be other humans the best. Do Batman's ears fold down when he gets sad? "Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me." - The Horse You Rode In On Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum. Winter: I'll never complain about how hot summer is again. Summer: I'll never complain about how cold winter is again. Repeat. Don't let people see you using a dirty mirror. It reflects poorly on you.
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Mar 14, 2014 17:33
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"doctor, i think my stomach pain started when I was a kid and my friends and i ate a stretch armstrong"
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Mar 14, 2014 22:56
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(Canadian Prime Minister is Stephen Harper) If I don’t start seeing Stephen Harper's haircut on our fellow Canadians, we are gonna have a problem. Where is your patriotism!?
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Mar 26, 2014 18:54
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I call bullshit on this cooking spray. I've used almost a whole can and my food is nowhere near done. "I'm so over you." - A blanket Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos. If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut. Sorry I yelled "She liked Star Wars Episode One" when the priest asked why the two of you couldn't get married. I see dead people. Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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Mar 27, 2014 09:36
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"My parents have been trying to convince me for twenty minutes that there were no kids getting picked on at their respective high schools. And that's how I learned my parents were both popular in high school."
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Mar 27, 2014 16:03
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