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If guys in big trucks are "making up for their tiny penises," then what are the women driving VW Beetles and Mini Coopers making up for - their oversized vaginas?
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Mar 28, 2014 22:48
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.
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Apr 13, 2014 20:40
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If a tree falls in the forest and no-ones around, somebody made a calculus problem about it the hobbit book gets way better when you replace every instance of "dwarf" with "jew"
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Apr 14, 2014 03:03
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Does Hallmark make a card that says "I'm sorry I told you that your toddler is easily the worst person I've ever met"? I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves. I just took a "Which Philip K. Dick Character Are You?" quiz and it turns out my reality is merely a delusion I've chosen to accept. Life Hack: If the suggested 30 seconds to swish Listerine around seems long, check Facebook while you do it. Yesterday, I went 56 minutes! People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
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Apr 14, 2014 11:48
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tweet of the year
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Apr 25, 2014 21:15
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Y-Hat posted:tweet of the year Then I thought, hey wait, whats wrong with two dudes kissing? Then I realized that he is probably referring to the fact that they are bros. So I ask, what kind of kissing was it?
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Apr 25, 2014 23:55
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Y-Hat posted:tweet of the year i wonder if the creator of sonic is aware of the perversion that is going on with his franchise?
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Apr 26, 2014 00:04
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https://twitter.com/realshigerum Actually his entire twitter is hilarious right now
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Apr 26, 2014 01:55
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Y-Hat posted:tweet of the year Ahahahahahhaa Feel free to steal this from me because I think it's wasted on my fb friends I seen a light skinned Orc with his brains bashed out / at the same giant camp where the Dragonborn hangs out / now this is not a lore book sayin that he did it / but ever since that day my perception stats been different
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Apr 26, 2014 03:09
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SaltLick posted:https://twitter.com/realshigerum
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Apr 26, 2014 04:14
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het posted:Yes this certainly looks real and not at all like a gimmick account. I wanted to believe but yea it was obviously a fake account once you saw the rest. Still funny.
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Apr 26, 2014 05:05
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Here's some major Win:quote:You know what? If societal standards force me to convert to monotheism, then I'm gonna do it the only way I know how that won't ruin my identity: by taking solace in the fact that I will convert to the one true god, R'hollor (please tell me I'm spelling it right), also known as The Burned God, or the Red God.
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Apr 26, 2014 06:21
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Most of these blatantly pinched from RP's twitter (https://twitter.com/p_net): If you ever get to see the musical Cats, take a laser pointer. No, YOUR illiterate. K, sure, maybe a few elbows got thrown during the egg hunt. Maybe I threw them. Whatever. The bottom line is that I found the most eggs. Stop being resentful. Just burn all their poo poo like a normal person. Well. At least I have my health. I mean, not my mental health. But still. I've decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
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Apr 26, 2014 14:22
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Apr 27, 2014 00:28
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What happened to the old thread, anyway? It got deleted?
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May 5, 2014 05:46
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Gassed, I think
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May 5, 2014 06:06
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Sasquatch! posted:What happened to the old thread, anyway? It got deleted? A bunch of goons didn't understand that people like to hear and retell jokes to their friends decided to poo poo up the thread. Also couldn't handle that one guy became really popular in that thread. Fashionable Jorts has a new favorite as of 08:51 on May 5, 2014 |
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May 5, 2014 08:47
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How come on Iron Chef America whenever the chairman asks the contestants what they're inspiration for their dishes was they always mention the ingredient? How come nobody ever says, "My inspiration for this meal was The Matrix." "As you can see I've placed the tuna as the exposed mechanical brain inside of a fried crab that I've painted with edible silver paste, it is attacking a honeyed piece of bread, which was servant food in ancient Babylon, or a snack fit for King Nebuchadnezzar himself, bon apetit." "For my second dish I've molded a tuna tartar in the shape of Keanu Reeves head. Each tartar is mixed with either pomegranate seeds or blue berries, representing the pills you may choose to take, or not to take to see the world as it really is. The tuna/berry mixture is then rolled in oatmeal and lightly torched: Oatmeal being the only gruel available in the underground world of where the mechanical overlords rule, powered by their human slaves. Bon apitit." "For my third dish I've prepared a sashimi tuna... And I've adorned the plate with action figures of Larry Fishburne and Hugo Weaving, they are fighting over the meat in a pool of wasabi ice cream and soy sauce gelee. Bon apetit." "For dessert I've prepared The Dessert of the Real. Which is a deconstructed Merovingian orgasm mousse, garnished with Oracle cookie crumbles. Unfortunately you'll have to eat this with your hands, because there is no spoon. Bon ape-titty." I'd like to remind you that if the dish isn't salty enough you may simply believe in the existence of the salt and your power to form that salt into reality. You are the salt and thus the salt is borne, for you are the salty one, bon apeboob.
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May 5, 2014 11:32
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https://twitter.com/RikerGoogling This is an amazing twitter account that you need to be following if you enjoy humor all up in yo feed.
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May 7, 2014 15:51
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I have severe, untreatable dandruff and mild, treatable depression.
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May 13, 2014 14:10
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Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:https://twitter.com/RikerGoogling Holy poo poo this one is incredible folks. Holodeck troubleshooting vagina feels rubbery
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May 13, 2014 14:56
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This is really funny, nice find.
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May 14, 2014 03:40
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Any house can be a haunted house if you murder enough people in it. I think the gift shop at the ground zero memorial was in bad taste. I mean did they really have to sell the special 9/11 edition Jenga set there? Haruharuharuko has a new favorite as of 09:25 on Jul 1, 2014 |
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Jul 1, 2014 09:22
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 Feel free to steal this and post reactions.
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Jul 20, 2014 06:04
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"Was watching the news on the middle-east. Wasn't Gaza a member of the Wu-Tang Clan?" "Called the local Chinese place and ordered Pork Fried Ricin. Very disappointed with the delivery." Count Freebasie has a new favorite as of 15:21 on Jul 20, 2014 |
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Jul 20, 2014 15:18
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Apparently my stated goal of "fitting five Reese's eggs in my mouth at one time" was not appropriate for the year end employee self-review.
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Jul 22, 2014 05:53
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If any of you were wondering when the best time to show your girlfriend you know all the lyrics to the Sublime song "Date Rape", that time is never.
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Jul 22, 2014 07:52
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So your boyfriend said you could get A cat, and to compromise you're getting a pregnant one? There are two kinds of people: those who oversimplify things and that's it People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier. My superpower is destroying the neighbours living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer. Drive women crazy with your tongue by never shutting the hell up. No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Jul 22, 2014 09:58
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Hey ladies. I'm doing Kegels right now. I do my best proffreading after hitting "post."
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Jul 22, 2014 13:25
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Perhaps the bullys were right, maybe I should stop hitting myself.
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Aug 9, 2014 23:54
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1. blow up balloon 2. name balloon moli 3. pop moli 4. turn up
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Aug 10, 2014 00:35
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Aug 10, 2014 09:47
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If you aren't following @Pacifistoffury, you are living your life incorrectly. He is a 50-something year old man who posts nothing but depressing status updates and Taylor Swift fantasies/quotes.   
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Sep 3, 2014 19:52
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"Give a man a quarter and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to quarter and he'll be an executioner." My friend posted something way better in the comments: "Give a man a pound and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to pound and he'll gently caress for a lifetime."
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Sep 4, 2014 17:04
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Here's one I didn't dare re-tweet...
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Sep 4, 2014 17:13
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It's hard to feel confident about winning 10 matches in a row in QuizUp when you get up from the toilet and your legs buckle under you because they fell asleep.
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Sep 4, 2014 18:49
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Teach posted:Here's one I didn't dare re-tweet... That joke was better when it was Xander Crews' idea for a pedestrian overpass to Canada.
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Sep 4, 2014 18:49
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Eating this dog hair is only making my hangover worse.
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Sep 7, 2014 22:14
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I heard they have a new self guided tour at the White House? Anyone do one lately?
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Sep 30, 2014 23:41
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The only difference between a turtle trapped on its back and me trying to get out of a beanbag chair is someone will eventually help the turtle.
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Oct 1, 2014 01:21
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