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It's good to see this back: When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood. You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally. Is it rude to throw breath mints into someone's mouth while they're talking? Me: You know what cures a headache right? GF: Tylenol Me: You know what else cures a headache? GF: Advil Me: You know what else ...... *throws keys at nearest sober person* DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say "please buy me a sega this does nothing for me"
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Sep 19, 2013 20:05
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 01:27 |
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Also not mine: Are you okay? You seem stupid. Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk. Remember: Bros before hoes. Because gardening is fun, but it's not worth losing a friend. Claustraphobia: the fear of closed spaces, e.g. Every time I go to the liquor store I'm scared it might be closed. "That's one small step for man. That's one open fridge for man. That's one good sandwich for-" "Neil! Stop." "I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET" Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer Earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder. Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested? An artist, a statesman, and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you, Adolph?
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Oct 9, 2013 06:17
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Also not mine: Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff. "Wow. Awkward." - guy who was just asked to name two words with two w's in them. Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first. It's so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me. Yeah, I'll go with that. *touches a turtle* *dies* *touches a plant* *dies* Wow Mario are you allergic to everything? As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) Y U NO When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date. Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza. Are you okay? You seem stupid.
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Oct 22, 2013 20:04
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They're gone, it's sad but true. Here's a few I've found... Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families. My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t Pretty sure if you didn’t want me to organize your contact list by naming everyone Bert, you wouldn’t have left your phone here. The advice "The Gambler" gives Kenny Rogers is at best really basic and at worst completely useless. That moment when you make out with the air trying to find the straw in your glass "You knew what you were getting into, Charlene" "Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage" "YOU READ MY BIO" My girlfriend said she wanted to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool. drat, baby got back. And front. And sides. Baby three-dimensional. This is a real baby. Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her. #Christmas The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam. Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?! Him: "Nothing. I'm good." WHEN DO WE WANT IT? "Seriously, knock it off." I GOT A NEW BULLHORN! "I can see that.. People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.
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Dec 29, 2013 13:28
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Knowing when to stop is a gift. It's not a gift I have, but it's a gift nonetheless. "But I can't conquer China, it's way too big..." Now Genghis, what do I always say? *Sighs* "I'm Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't" Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) - Psychotic candy maker enslaves entire ethnicity, kills children, and chooses protege. Flowers and chocolate: murdering a plant and then making someone fat, to express your love. DATE TIP: Set the tone for romance. Have 70-100 candles lit in your car when you pick her up.
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Feb 15, 2014 11:49
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I feel bad seeing couples fight in public. I feel even worse placing bets on them. Humans give little gold humans out to other humans who pretend to be other humans the best. Do Batman's ears fold down when he gets sad? "Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me." - The Horse You Rode In On Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum. Winter: I'll never complain about how hot summer is again. Summer: I'll never complain about how cold winter is again. Repeat. Don't let people see you using a dirty mirror. It reflects poorly on you.
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Mar 14, 2014 17:33
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I call bullshit on this cooking spray. I've used almost a whole can and my food is nowhere near done. "I'm so over you." - A blanket Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos. If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut. Sorry I yelled "She liked Star Wars Episode One" when the priest asked why the two of you couldn't get married. I see dead people. Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
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Mar 27, 2014 09:36
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Does Hallmark make a card that says "I'm sorry I told you that your toddler is easily the worst person I've ever met"? I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves. I just took a "Which Philip K. Dick Character Are You?" quiz and it turns out my reality is merely a delusion I've chosen to accept. Life Hack: If the suggested 30 seconds to swish Listerine around seems long, check Facebook while you do it. Yesterday, I went 56 minutes! People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
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Apr 14, 2014 11:48
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Most of these blatantly pinched from RP's twitter (https://twitter.com/p_net): If you ever get to see the musical Cats, take a laser pointer. No, YOUR illiterate. K, sure, maybe a few elbows got thrown during the egg hunt. Maybe I threw them. Whatever. The bottom line is that I found the most eggs. Stop being resentful. Just burn all their poo poo like a normal person. Well. At least I have my health. I mean, not my mental health. But still. I've decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
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Apr 26, 2014 14:22
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So your boyfriend said you could get A cat, and to compromise you're getting a pregnant one? There are two kinds of people: those who oversimplify things and that's it People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier. My superpower is destroying the neighbours living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer. Drive women crazy with your tongue by never shutting the hell up. No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Jul 22, 2014 09:58
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists. [Receives Happy Meal] "This is neither of those things." I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looked like an Ewok. My neighbours listen to great music... Whether they like it or not. Just remember: you're only one murder away from making today a casual-ty Friday! Listen Google, it's 2015. I need you to figure out who I'm talking about when I type "that one guy in that movie I didn't like." *saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" "Like my status updates" "Oh I don't have Face-" *returns baby to burning building* Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime. Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas-- Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat. "Did it hurt... When you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?" - Bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person If a restaurant host asks if you have reservations, nod nervously and ask "don't we all?" It's hard to pet a cat without planning world domination. "I'm telling you, it's all or nothing," the exterminator explains to Noah, "I can't just leave two woodworm. It doesn't work like that."
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Jan 31, 2015 12:23
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Just had two birds hit my window. I think someone is playing Angry Birds with me. Feeling down? Park in a handicap spot and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you! When they say 'Flaunt it if you got it' I'm pretty sure they're not talking about stupidity This is the worst flea market ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene. Someone just left me a 2 minute 36 second voicemail. So cheer up about your day. If I found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious. Bringing a laser pointer to the lion exhibit at the zoo is as fun as it sounds.
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Feb 8, 2015 16:39
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CPR is basically just 2nd base, 2nd base, 2nd base, 1st base. Clark Kent: How's your lunch? Bruce Wayne: This soup is great. CK: Don't BW: You could even say CK: Please don't BW: It's Souper, man I don’t feel bad ignoring a baby when it cries. If it really needs something, it should message me Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" is probably my favourite song about alcoholism and urination. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it. I hate when films say " 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME To be fair, "old-fashioned" doesn't necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist. Is Miley Cyrus' grandmother called Nana Montana?
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Jun 3, 2015 09:54
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon. I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems. How To Ride An Escalator: -Step 1 -Now Just Chill for a Bit Don't believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option. I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale. If a waitress comes to my table and asks if the food is good mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.
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Jul 6, 2015 13:50
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 01:27 |
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You actually can get an STD from a toilet seat, but you have to sit down before the other person gets up. That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink. Ladies, did you know your biological clock has a snooze button? You can turn it on by witnessing literally anyone's kids in public places. How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing? I told my date I was depressed. I added, "not like cut my wrists depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed." Her: I think you're my soul mate. Me: I'm so SO sorry for you. We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn't a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it and just drove by its house really slowly Little Red Riding Hood's gran is an animal in bed. Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments. Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice. How to get a woman: 1) Find one who sells cars 2) Take a test drive 3) Just keep driving She's yours now, plus you have a new car. The Ashley Madison site is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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Jul 23, 2015 13:31
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