Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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Tollymain: Jul 9, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Oh god Xanth :magical:

I'm not sure if I want to bookmark this thread or not :cry:

# ? Jul 20, 2013 04:59

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# ? May 4, 2024 05:32

Nessus: Dec 22, 2003; After a Speaker vote, you may be entitled to a valuable coupon or voucher!

And to make Mors actually deliver the goods: I do remember some of his science-fictional concepts being, if not necessarily thought provoking, interesting; for instance, he seemed to either know of or accurately anticipate some of the dumber things in Second Life in 'Killobite' or whatever that book which was basically "VR MUXes: Now With Extra Diabetes Peril."

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:00

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 3 opens with Bink having discovered an unexpected chasm of the Grand Canyon variety. Half a mile across and apparently bottomless. Cherie hadn't warned him, so it must be new. Bink has no idea what caused it - only a Magician could have, but the King has nowhere near enough power, Trent was never an earthmover and Humfrey is an information specialist and lazy. He doesn't know of any others. He's heard that there's an illusionist of great skill, but after he tests the chasm with echos, a pebble and his fingers, he decides it's real. Bink wonders whether he should turn back, decides not to and tries to figure out how to get across, or which way to go. He pokes around along the cavern edge, tying to find a farmhouse, and pokes a rock which explodes up in a flurry of feathers. It turns out it was a stone dove. (Pun Count: 5.) Then he spies a farm, and approaches. The "homely" woman inside is suspicious of him and thinks he's probably a wraith or ghoul trying to trick her. He offers to pay his way, and to bleed to prove he's human, before her husband allows him in. Inside is a werewolf, one of the farm kids, who declares him clean. The husband is also homely, and has the magic talent of changing his own skin color. (To purple or green, for example.)

quote:

"A lady centaur gave me a lift."

"A filly! I'll bet she did! Where'd you hang on to when she jumped?"

Bink smiled ruefully. "Well, she said she'd drop me in a trench if I did it again," he admitted.

"Haw! Haw! Haw!" the man brayed. Farmers, being relatively uneducated, tended to have an earthy sense of humor. Bink noticed that the homely wife wasn't laughing, and the boy merely stared uncomprehendingly.

Now the farmer got down to business. "Listen, I don't need no hand labor nowsabout. But I've got a part in a hearing coming up, and I don't want to go. Upsets the missus, you know."

Bink nodded, though he did not understand. He saw the wife nod grim agreement. What sort of thing was this?

"So if you want to work off your lodging, you can stand in for me," the farmer continued. "Won't only take 'bout an hour, no work to it 'cept to agree to anything the bailiff says. Softest job you can find, and easy for you, too, 'cause you're a stranger. Playing opposite a cute young thing--" He caught the grim look of his wife and aborted that line. "How 'bout it?"

"Anything I can do," Bink said uncertainly. What was this about playing opposite a cute young thing? He'd never find out while the wife was present. Would Sabrina object?

The missus didn't like a lot of things, it seemed. How did a man ever come to marry a woman like that? Would Sabrina turn shrewish after marriage? The idea made him uneasy. "I won't," Bink agreed. The stew was not very tasty, but it was filling. Good stuff to travel on.

Bink has gruel, and then it's off to the trial. The rape trial. I'm just going to present this entirely unedited.

quote:

The bailiff was a big, bluff man, above whose head a small cloud formed when he concentrated on anything too intently. "Know anything about it?" he inquired after Bink explained.

"Nothing," Bink admitted. "You'll have to tell me what to do."

"Good! It's just a sort of little playlet, to settle a problem without ruining anybody's reputation. We call it surrogate magic. Mind you, don't use any actual magic."

"I won't," Bink said.

"You just agree to whatever I ask you. That's all."

Bink began to get nervous. "I don't believe in lying, sir."

"This ain't exactly lying, boy. It's in a good cause. You'll see. I'm s'prised you folk don't practice it in North Village."

Bink was uneasily silent. He hoped he had not gotten himself into something ugly.

The others arrived: two men and three young women. The men were ordinary, bearded farmers, one young, one middle-aged; the girls ranged from indifferent to ravishing. Bink forced his eyes away from the prettiest one lest he stare. She was the most voluptuous, striking black-haired beauty he had ever seen, a diamond in the mud of this region.

"Now the six of you sit down across from each other at this table," the bailiff said in his official voice. "I'll do the talking when the judge comes. Mind you, this is a play--but it's secret. When I swear you in, it's for keeps--absolutely no blabbing about the details after you get out, understand?"

They all nodded. Bink was becoming more perplexed. He now understood about playing opposite a sweet young thing--but what kind of play was this, with an audience of one, that no one was permitted to report on later? Well, so be it; maybe it was a kind of magic.

The three men sat in a row on one side of the table, and the three girls faced them. Bink was opposite the beautiful one; her knees touched his, for the table was narrow. They were silky smooth, sending a shiver of appreciation up his legs. Remember Sabrina! he told himself. He was not ordinarily swayed by a pretty face, but this was an extraordinary face. It didn't help that she wore a tight sweater. What a figure!

The judge entered---a portly man with impressive paunch and sideburns. "All stand," the bailiff said.

They all stood respectfully.

The judge took a seat at the end of the table and the bailiff moved to the far side. They all sat down.

"Do you three ladies swear to tell no truth other than that presented in this hearing, any time, anywhere, and to shut up about that?" the bailiff demanded.

"We do," the girls chorused.

"And do you three louts swear the same?"

"We do," Bink said with the others. If he was supposed to lie here, but never to talk about it outside, did that mean it wasn't really a lie? The bailiff knew what was true and what was false, presumably, so in effect--

"Now this is the hearing for an alleged rape," the bailiff announced. Bink, shocked, tried to conceal his dismay. Were they supposed to act out a rape?

"Among these present," the bailiff continued, "is the girl who says she was raped--and the man she charges. He says it happened but it was voluntary. That right, men?"

Bink nodded vigorously along with the others. Brother! He would rather have chopped wood for his night's lodging. Here he was, possibly lying about a rape he never committed.

"This is done anonymously to protect the reputations of those involved," the bailiff said. "So's to have an advisory opinion, in the presence of the first parties, without advertising it to the whole community."

Bink was beginning to understand. A girl who had been raped could be ruined, though it was no fault of her own; many men would refuse to marry her for that reason alone. Thus she could win her case but lose her future. A man guilty of rape could be exiled, and a man accused of rape would be viewed with suspicion, complicating his own future. It was almost, he thought grimly, as serious a crime as having no magic. Getting at the truth could be a very delicate matter, not something either party would want to advertise in a public trial. Win or lose, reputations would suffer grievously. Yet how could justice be done if it never came to trial? Thus this private, semianonymous hearing. Would it suffice?

"She says she was walking down by the Gap," the bailiff said, glancing at his notes. "He came up behind her, grabbed her, and raped her. Right, girls?"

The three girls nodded, each looking hurt and angry. The vigorous head motion caused the knee of the girl facing Bink to shake, and another ripple of suggestion traveled up his leg. What an opposite lady, in what a play!

"He says he was standing there and she came up and made a suggestion and he took her up on it. Right, men?"

Bink nodded with the others. He hoped his side won; this was nervous business.
�
Now the judge spoke. "Was it close to a house?"

"'Bout a hundred feet," the bailiff said.

"Then why did she not scream?"

"He said he'd push her off the brink if she made a sound," the bailiff replied. "She was frozen in terror. Right, girls?"

They nodded--and each looked momentarily terrified. Bink wondered which of the three had actually been raped. Then he corrected his thought hastily: which one had made the accusation? He hoped it wasn't the one opposite him.

"Were the two known to each other prior to the occasion?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Then I presume she would have fled him at the outset, had she disliked him--and that he would not have forced her if she trusted him. In a small community like this, people get to know each other very well, and there are few actual surprises. This is not conclusive, but it strongly suggests she had no strong aversion to contact with him, and may have tempted him with consequence she later regretted. I would probably, were this case to come up in formal court, find the man not guilty of the charge, by virtue of reasonable doubt."

The three men relaxed. Bink became aware of a trickle of sweat on his forehead, generated while he listened to the judge's potential decision.

"Okay, you have the judge's ifso," said the bailiff. "You girls still want to bring it to open trial?"

Grim-faced, looking betrayed, the three girls shook their heads, no. Bink felt sorry for his opposite. How could she avoid being seductive? She was a creature constructed for no other visible purpose than ra---than love.

"Then take off," the bailiff said. "Remember--no talking outside, or well have a real trial, for contempt of court." The warning seemed superfluous; the girls would hardly be talking about this one. The guilty--uh, innocent--man would also shut up, and Bink himself just wanted to get clear of this village. That left only one man who might want to talk--but if he breathed a word, all the others would know who had blabbed. There would be silence.

Yeah.

...yeah.

Bink then leaves, asking if there's any way to go south. He is told there's no way across the Gap, as it is called, unless he can fly or is willing to brave the Gap dragon. The bailiff tries to warn him, but when he insists, the bailiff says he'll have Wynne show Bink across.

quote:

"Wynne?"

"Your opposite. The one you almost raped." The bailiff smiled, making a signal with one hand, and his cloud dissipated. "Not that I blame you."

The girl approached, apparently in answer to the signal.

"Wynne, honey, show this man to the southern slope of the Gap. Mind you keep clear of the dragon."

"Sure," she said, smiling. The smile did not add to her splendor, because that was impossible, but it tried.

Bink had mixed emotions. After this hearing, suppose she accused him of...?

The bailiff glanced at him understandingly. "Don't worry about it, son. Wynne don't lie, and she don't change her mind. You behave yourself, difficult as that may be, and there'll be no trouble."

Bink asks Wynne what her talent is, but she has no answer. She seems rather stupid to Bink.

quote:

Now he was almost certain: Wynne was lovely but stupid. Too bad; she could have made some farmer a marvelous showpiece. No wonder the bailiff had not been concerned about her; she was not much use.

Bink tells Wynne some of his story, and she asks if he can come with him. He explains that she probably doesn't want to, and she gets a bit upset. He starts explaining again in monosyllables.

quote:

Still conscious of the rape hearing, and wary of any possible misunderstanding, he phrased it carefully. They were now descending a tortuous path into a low section of the chasm, winding around tufts of clatterweed and clutchroot saplings. He had taken the lead, bracing with his staff, so as to be able to catch her if she lost her footing and fell; when he glanced up at her he caught distracting glimpses of her exquisite thighs. There seemed to be no part of her body that was not perfectly molded. Only her brain had been neglected. "It is dangerous. Much bad magic. I go alone."

"Alone?" She was still confused, though she was handling the path very well. Nothing wrong with her coordination! Bink found himself a bit surprised that those legs could actually be used for climbing and walking. "I need help. Magic."

"The Magician charges a year's service. You--would not want to pay." The Good Magician was male, and Wynne had only one obvious coin. No one would be interested in her mind.

She looked at him in perplexity. Then she brightened, standing upright on the path above him. "You want payment?" She put one hand to the front of her dress.

"No!" Bink yelled, almost dislodging himself from the steep slope. He already visualized a reenactment of the hearing, and a different verdict. Who would believe he had not taken advantage of the lovely idiot? If she showed him any more of her body-- "No!" he repeated, more to himself than to her.

They then hear the rumbling of the Gap dragon. Bink tells Wynne to run, but...

quote:

She started to run--straight ahead, into the chasm. "No!" he yelled, sprinting after her. He caught her by one arm and spun her about. Her hair swirled winsomely, a black cloud about her face.

"You want payment?" she asked.

Brother! "Run that way!" he cried, shoving her back toward the northern slope, since it was the closest escape. He hoped the dragon was not a good climber.

Wynne flees, and Bink spots the dragon, distracting it so that Wynne can escape. The thing is a six-legged, serpentine creature that cuts off his escape quickly. Bink decides to gamble on the dragon being dumb as he flees from it. It has no fire breath, just steam, amd it manages to leap over him when he falls over due to the steam blast. Bink barely avoids being crushed and climbs over the dragon before finding a cave, which he is forced to jump into. Inside the cave, he finds a strange creature.

quote:

Then he recognized it. A shade! A half-real spirit, ghost, or some unquiet dead, doomed to skulk in shadow and night until its wrongs were righted or its evil exonerated. Because the shades could not go abroad by day, or enter light, or intrude in populous places, they represented no threat to ordinary folk in ordinary circumstances. Most were bound to the place of their demise. As Roland had advised Bink, long ago: "If a shade bothers you, walk away from it." They were easy to escape; this was called "pulling the shade."

(Pun Count: 6.) Shades can possess people, but it takes about an hour of stillness. Bink wants to flee the shade, but can't, because of the dragon. If he moves, it will spot him. He tries to get the shade to go for the dragon instead, but it doesn't seem to work. The shade offers to help him, however - one hour of possession in return for Bink's life, then it'll leave. The shade says that all it has to do is tell its family where a silver tree grows (that is, a tree made of pure silver) so that they can leave in wealth. When the shade doesn't offer him any riches, just his life, he is convinced and makes the deal. The shade turns out to be a prospector named Donald, with the magic power of flight. Donald flies him out, taunts the dragon, and then heads up into the sky. They fly to the tree, and Bink tells the shade his story. They then head to Donald's farm, to meet his wife. Donald thinks she's beautiful; Bink finds her plain and old-looking until Donald takes over his body fully to tell her about the silver tree.

Donald tells his wife to take the silver and remarry, though she swears she'll never love another man. She offers to marry Bink when he claims he wants none of the silver, but Bink declines and says that he's to be exiled. (He considers this softer than 'hell no, I am not attracted to you.') He also doesn't stay for a meal, and just flees the farm (and the dust devil called up by Donald's son, who doesn't like strangers). The chapter ends with Bink appreciating the favor he could do for Donald and deciding he now understands what poverty and death mean for a family.

Pun Count: 6, as of the end of Chapter 3.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:01

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Mors Rattus posted:

Chapter 3 deserves to be a page-topper.

Oh dear.

I think his worst for me was Ghost. Dystopian future where 'green' is everything-- everything is recycled, space travel is frowned upon as being wasteful, and casting a shadow can be a criminal offense if you do it over one of the omnipresent solar panels. The lynchpin of the story, time travel, is executed in an unusual manner-- your time machine becomes a fixed point in space-time, and everything spools away as the universe expands past you.

Then it gets loving weird. And with it being Piers Anthony at the helm, the loving is quite literal.

Casual sex is encouraged on Earth! But! You're not supposed to have sex with someone of your own ethnicity! Want to marry someone of your own race? Both of you have to be sterilized. This is offered up as a passive-aggressive solution to overpopulation because... apparently interracial relationships are some gene-deep taboo in the Ghost world. Nevermind all the casual sex.

The casual sex continues aboard the ship, only everyone on the crew has some sexual hangup that defines them as a person. One of the crewmembers commits suicide by accident, because the cyanide capsules are right next to the space-ludes on the berth-mounted dial-a-drug devices. Whoops! Only her death coincides with the ship encountering some psychoreactive ectoplasm stuff that naturally plays out the crew's sexual hangups as they discover they can shape it into quasi-living constructs. The first one is the dead woman, only nobody but the captain knows she's dead, because he's confined her to quarters.

And then everyone dies and transmigrates to this mood slime, and the Captain cheats at chess against their combined id, and everyone becomes caricatures of themselves until he saves the day with some deep dickings and discovers that he's in love with the fat chick after worrying that he might be gay.

Oh, and they can change their shapes, but not their sexes. This is apparently important enough to call out in the last paragraph of the book.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:01

Rulebook Heavily: Sep 18, 2010; by FactsAreUseless

...

trial aside.

quote:

He pokes around along the cavern edge, tying to find a farmhouse, and pokes a rock which explodes up in a flurry of feathers. It turns out it was a stone dove. (Pun Count: 5.)

Here's another spot where I remember why I didn't read the series much, and a lot of my peers didn't. When you speak English as a second language at twelve years old and don't know your bird names, this kind of stuff is totally incomprehensible.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:14

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

I still don't know what some of these puns are at the expense of, sometimes-- that 'stone dove' one is a perfect example.

And in general... I like puns. Puns are fun. They need context though, otherwise... well, look at what happens to GBS threads when people start punning. It turns into page padding.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:29

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

Yeah, I don't know if my love of puns came from Piers Anthony or DESPITE him. But I regret nothing!

(Except reading all the Piers Anthony. And not discovering Spider Robinson much sooner.)

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:32

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

Funnily enough, I was going to dig out Off the Wall at Callahan's for a similarly creepy comment on rape and the exchange of sexual favours from the pen of Mr. Robinson, when I was digging for the And Eternity bits. My housemate was a big fan of his during her earlier years, but that ended when she wrote asking for some information for an article she was writing, and discovered how much of an asshat he could be.

At about that time, he sent out a red alert begging people to buy his current novels, because this was the beginning of the big publishing crunch in the late Nineties. Publishers weren't interested in his next... I think it was Callahan's book, because sales weren't great on the last, and led to a domino effect. Okay, fine. Grassroots appeal to the fans, fair enough.

Then he turned around a little while later and went 'gently caress you, got mine' to everyone else caught in the same squeeze.

I dunno. Maybe it has to do with growing up and starting to write in the Seventies and toward the Eighties, when love was still free-to-cheap.

Bieeanshee fucked around with this message at 05:54 on Jul 20, 2013

# ? Jul 20, 2013 05:50

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

I remember some free-love-ish stuff in one of the later Callahan's books, but it's disheartening to know that he's got creepy rape comments going on, too.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 06:23

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 4 sees Bink starting his journey again, but still on the wrong side of the Gap. He reasons that the Gap must have existed for quite a long time, and probably was under some kind of spell to ensure that anyone who left the area forgot it existed. He decides not to go across it directly this time, but instead to follow it down to the coast. He gets lost, but manages to avoid being eaten by carnivorous plants over a few days, earning his keep at various farms via physical labor for a night's stay. He plans to go around the Gap by sea or beach, hopefully. However, when he hits the beach, he accidentally runs over an illusionary stretch of sand and falls into the water, where he is attacked by sea monsters and nearly drowns before being saved by a woman in an expensive yacht.

quote:

At least, she looked like a Queen. She wore a platinum crownlet and a richly embroidered robe, and she was beautiful. Not as lovely as Wynne, perhaps; this woman was older, with more poise. Precise dress and manner made up for the sheer voluptuous innocence of youth that Wynne had. The Queen's hair was the richest red he had ever seen---and so were the pupils of her eyes. It was hard to imagine what a woman like this would be doing boating in monster-infested surf.

[...]

"You were hardly in a position to see anything," she said, straightening so that her excellent figure showed to advantage. He had been mistaken; she was in no way inferior to Wynne, just different, and certainly more intelligent. More on a par with Sabrina. The manifest mind of a woman, he realized, made a great deal of difference in her appeal. Lesson for the day.

This is the Sorceress Iris. Bink isn't sure how to thank her and is surprised that she doesn't think his talentlessness is horrible. However, he finds her too inviting and doesn't trust her, though he isn't entirely sure why. She explains that her magic is purely about illusion, and since he knows that now, he can't fear other magic from her, since no one has two talents. She shows off her illusion powers - her garden is entirely fake, for example.

quote:

Bink looked around, chagrined. "All of this is illusion?"

"Most of it. I could show you the whole garden as it is, but it would not be nearly as pretty." The grass in her hand shimmered and became an iris flower. "This should convince you. I am a powerful Sorceress. Therefore I can make an entire region seem like something it is not, and every detail will he authentic. MY roses smell like roses, my apple pies taste like apple pies. My body--" She paused with half a smile. "My body feels like a body. All seems real--but it is illusion. That is, each thing has a basis in fact, but my magic enhances it, modifies it. This is my complex of talents. Therefore I have no other talent--and you can trust me to that extent."

Bink reasons that she is at least not going to kill him or eat him, and decides to come in and trust her. Iris provides him a change of clothes and a shower, then offers him a meal. Bink wonders about why she's out here on this island alone.

quote:

Why didn't Iris marry, or exchange her services for competent help? Much magic was useless for practical matters, but her magic was extraordinary. Anyone could live in a crystal palace if he lived with this Sorceress. Bink was sure many people would like that; appearance was often more important than substance anyway. And if she could make ordinary potatoes taste like a banquet, and medicine taste like candy--oh yes, it was a marketable talent!

Iris returned, bearing a steaming platter. She had changed into a housewifely apron, and her crownlet was gone. She looked less regal and a good deal more female. She set things up on a low table, and they sat crosslegged on cushions, facing each other.

Bink is served rice disguised as dragon steak, and reasons that she probably doesn't get visitors because the farmers' wives won't let them come see her.

quote:

"Glad to hear it." He accepted the elegant glass of sparkling fluid as she refilled it, and sipped. He had gulped down the first too fast to taste it. Maybe it was actually water, but it seemed to be perfect blue wine, the kind specified for dragon meat, full-bodied and delicately flavored. Much like the Sorceress herself.

[...]

She cleared away the dishes and returned to join him on the cushions. Now she was in a low-cut evening gown, and he saw in more than adequate detail exactly how well-formed she was. Of course, that too could be illusion-but if it felt the same as it looked, who would protest?

Then his nose almost dripped onto the inviting gown, and he jerked his head up. He had been looking a mite too closely.

Bink offers to pay with work, but, well...

quote:

"You are thinking too small," Iris said, leaning forward earnestly and inhaling deeply. Bink felt the flush rising along his neck. Sabrina seemed very far away--and she would never have dressed like this, anyway.

"I told you--I have to go to the Good Magician Humfrey to find my magic---or be exiled. I don't really think I have any magic, so---"

"I could arrange for you to stay, regardless," she said, nudging closer.

She was definitely making a play for him. But why would such an intelligent, talented woman be interested in a nobody like him? Bink mopped his nose again. A nobody with a cold. Her appearance might be greatly enhanced by illusion, but mind and talent were obviously genuine. She should have no need of him--for anything.

"You could perform magic that everyone would see," she continued in that dismayingly persuasive way of hers, nudging up against him. She certainly felt real--most provocatively so. "I could fashion an illusion of performance that no one could penetrate." He wished she hadn't said that while touching him so intimately. "I can do my magic from a distance, too, so there would be no way to tell I was involved. But that is the least of it. I can bring you wealth and power and comfort--all genuine, nonillusive. I can give you beauty and love. All that you might desire as a citizen of Xanth---"

Bink grew more suspicious. What was she leading up to? "I have a fianc�e--"

"Even that," Iris agreed. "I am not a jealous woman. You could have her as a concubine, provided you were circumspect."

Bink asks her why she's making the offer, and Iris explains that she wants to be Queen. See, the King of Xanth must be male according to law and custom, but she wants to rule. However, she needs a King for that. She plans to use Bink as a figurehead, and because he has no talent, she can offer to make one for him via illusion in exchange for his service. Bink is tempted to accept.

quote:

Iris was watching him intently. As he looked back at her, her gown flickered, becoming transparent. Illusion or not, it was a breathtaking sight. And what difference did it make if the flesh only seemed real? He had no doubt now of what she was offering on the immediate, personal level. She would be glad to prove how good she could make it, as she had with the meal. Because she needed his willing cooperation.

Really, it made sense. He could have citizenship and Sabrina, since obviously the Sorceress Queen would never betray that aspect...

Sabrina. How would she feel about the arrangement? He knew. She would not buy it. Not for anything, not for an instant. Sabrina was very straitlaced about certain things, very proper in the forms.

And so Bink declines. Iris gets very upset.

quote:

"She wouldn't like it!" Iris was working up a substantial head of steam, like the Gap dragon. "What does she offer you that I cannot better a hundredfold?"

"Well, self-respect, for one thing," Bink said. "She wants me for myself, not to use me."

"Nonsense. All women are the same inside. They differ only in appearance and talent. They all use men."

"Maybe so. I'm sure you know more about that sort of thing than I do. But I have to be going now."

Iris reached out a soft hand to restrain him. Her gown disappeared entirely. "Why not stay the night? See what I can do for you? If you still want to go in the morning--"

Bink shook his head. "I'm sure you could convince me overnight. So I have to go now."

"Such candor!" she exclaimed ruefully. "I could give you an experience like none you have imagined."

In her artful nudity, she already stimulated his imagination far more than was comfortable. But he steeled himself. "You could never give me back my integrity."

Bink then decides to leave, ignoring Iris' threats because he knows they are illusion. He walks into a wall briefly, but manages to make his way out.

quote:

He turned and for a moment looked back. There was Iris, standing in the splendor of her female fury. She was a middle-aged woman running slightly to fat, wearing a worn housecoat and sloppy hair net. She had the physical qualities she had shown him via her peek-a-boo outfit, but they were much less seductive at age forty than at the illusion of age twenty.

However, once he leaves, he realizes the outfit Iris gave him to wear is a shawl and a pair of lacy panties. He doesn't feel like walking around like that.

quote:

He had a vision of walking up to the Good Magician Humfrey to ask for his boon of information,

BINK: Sir, I have come across Xanth at great peril to ask--

MAGICIAN: For a new dress? A bra? Ho, ho, ho!

So he goes back for his clothes.

quote:

"You changed your mind?" she asked. Suddenly her voluptuous youth was back, and a section of the glittering palace formed around her. That dashed it. She was a creature of artifice, and he preferred reality--even the reality of a shack among weeds. Most of the farmers of Xanth had nothing better, after all. When illusion became an essential crutch to life, that life lost value. "Just want my own clothes," Bink said. Though his decision was firm, he still felt like a heel for interfering with her splendid aspirations.

He proceeded to the bathroom--which he now saw was an attached outhouse. The fabulous toilet was merely the usual board with a hole sawed in it, and flies buzzed merrily below it. The bathtub was a converted horse-watering trough. How had he taken a shower7 He saw a bucket; had he dumped water on his own head, not knowing it? His clothing and pack were in a pile on the floor.

He started to change--but found that the facility was really only an opening in the back wall of the shack. Iris stood watching him, Had she watched him change before? If so, he had to take it as a compliment; her approach had become much more direct and physical thereafter.

His eye fell on the bucket again. Someone had dumped water on him, and he was sure now that he had not done it himself. The only other person who could have done it----ouch!
�
But he was not about to display himself so freely to her again, though it was obvious that he had no physical secrets remaining! He picked up his things and headed for the door.

"Bink-"

He paused. The rest of the house was dull wood, with flaking paint, straw on the floor, and light showing through the cracks. But the Sorceress herself was lovely. She wore very little, and she looked a lush eighteen.

"What do you want in a woman?" she asked him. "Voluptuousness?" She became extremely well ell-dewed, with an exaggerated hourglass figure. "Youth?" Suddenly she looked fourteen, very slender, lineless and innocent. "Maturity?" She was herself again, but better dressed. "Competence?" Now she was conservatively dressed, about twenty-five, quite shapely but of a businesslike mien. "Violence?" The Amazon again, robust but still lovely.

"I don't know," Bink said. "I'd really hate to choose. Sometimes I want one thing, sometimes another."

"It can all be yours," she said. The alluring fourteen-year-old reappeared. "No other woman can make this promise."

Bink was suddenly, forcefully tempted. There were times when he wanted this, though he had never dared admit it openly. The Sorceress's magic was potent indeed--the strongest he had ever experienced. So it was illusion--yet in Xanth illusion abounded, and was quite legitimate; it was never possible to know precisely what was real. In fact, illusion was part of Xanth reality, an important part. Iris really could bring him wealth and power and citizenship, and she could be, for him, any kind of woman he wanted. Or all kinds.

Bink ultimately declines again. He isn't sure how good a Queen Iris would be, and he feels she's too interested in power.

quote:

His superficial reasons were sufficient for the moment, but not for an enduring decision. He must have some underlying rationale to which he was true, even though he gave himself some more-presentable justification. It could not just be his memory of Sabrina, evocative as that was, for Iris was as much of a woman as Sabrina, and much more magical. There had to be something else, diffuse but immense--ah, he had it! It was his love of Xanth.

Eventually, he makes it back to shore in Iris' boat, which is really just a leaky rowboat, and heads onwards, now on the other side.

Pun Count: Still 6.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 18:16

t3h_z0r: Oct 13, 2012; "A cop in body armor is designed to look intimidating."
I AM A LIAR

I remember A Spell For Chameleon being a lot less lovely and creepy than his later Xanth books. I still think that's probably true, but less so, now. Six puns in three chapters is nothing, I remember before I gave up his books there were whole chapters that were literally just a cavalcade of clumsy puns.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 18:17

Evrart Claire: Jan 11, 2008

I think the difference with the creepiness is that at least in the first two books it's adult characters. The later books are like this or worse while following children.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 18:47

Pangalin: Aug 11, 2007; Grown men are talking.

I remember most of the books ended up with a lengthy afterword crediting all the awful puns to the individual readers who sent them in. Being the first book, Spell For Chameleon lacked the benefit of reader "creativity".

# ? Jul 20, 2013 18:47

Nessus: Dec 22, 2003; After a Speaker vote, you may be entitled to a valuable coupon or voucher!

Why you got to close on the 14 year old, Piers. Come on, son.

# ? Jul 20, 2013 21:32

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

That was really the che-- the topping on a passage that can be summed up in his own words:

quote:

"Nonsense. All women are the same inside. They differ only in appearance and talent. They all use men."

# ? Jul 20, 2013 21:56

mistaya: Oct 18, 2006; Cat of Wealth and Taste

The funny thing about this series is I read very nearly all of them in Jr. High/ High school but I don't remember much at all about them, other than I didn't particularly like Bink or the first couple books. (I started reading the series a few further in once he wasn't really the main character anymore.) They were still trying to be serious fantasy books at this point and I mostly just wanted to get to the next pun.

Other than that, I don't remember anything that happened, other than there was some guy who had like, planets orbiting his head because that was neat. And they go to some opposite world inverted reality at some point that reminded me of Math-magic Land.

How did I just not see all these majorly creepy descriptions? Like they never registered at all.

:psyduck:

I mean even as a kid they were 'read it once' books that had no value on a re-read, so at least I wasn't hopeless.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 02:19

Cosmic Afro: May 23, 2011

What the poo poo is all this? Was this crap seriously set in high school libraries to be freely read by early teenagers? Is this a thing that happened? And I must bet that since this is the first book, things haven't hit maximum or even high level of creepy in comparison, right?

I am very glad I've never read any of those books.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 04:15

Count Chocula: Dec 25, 2011; WE HAVE TO CONTROL OUR ENVIRONMENT
IF YOU SEE ME POSTING OUTSIDE OF THE AUSPOL THREAD PLEASE TELL ME THAT I'M MISSED AND TO START POSTING AGAIN

Bieeardo posted:

On a Pale Horse is... mostly okay, if you ignore the attempts at bribing Death with sex slaves, and icepick from your brain the bit that involves a dead infant consigned to Purgatory because it was the product of incest. The rest of the series is peppered with similarly awful scenes and meditations.

VVV Yeah, I was trying to be generous.

That was the only Piers Anthony book I really liked, but I read the rest of Incarnations of Immortality anyway. I recall each book was split between cool concepts and creepiness.

Alaemon posted:

I remember some free-love-ish stuff in one of the later Callahan's books, but it's disheartening to know that he's got creepy rape comments going on, too.

Don't tell me that Spider Robinson was creepy! He wrote lots about sex, drugs, and telepathy but I thought that was because he was a Canadian hippie and Heinlein devotee. Obviously Heinlein was super creepy but Spider's Callahan books were so warm. They got me through my teenage years.

Count Chocula fucked around with this message at 06:13 on Jul 21, 2013

# ? Jul 21, 2013 05:58

t3h_z0r: Oct 13, 2012; "A cop in body armor is designed to look intimidating."
I AM A LIAR

Cosmic Afro posted:

What the poo poo is all this? Was this crap seriously set in high school libraries to be freely read by early teenagers? Is this a thing that happened? And I must bet that since this is the first book, things haven't hit maximum or even high level of creepy in comparison, right?

I am very glad I've never read any of those books.

This is nothing. The first six books are all pretty competently put together and mostly free of pederasty, even if they do have a lot of lovely gender politics by modern standards. After book seven the books begin a downward spiral of Wackiness, creepyness, incoherence, and loss of editorial control that more or less gets slightly worse with every one of the 29 following books.

Anthony's pedophilia in his works is prettymuch an open secret, but one thing that hasn't been mentioned is Anthony's weird bestiality, especially around horses. Even aside from the super busty nudist centaurs I can think of no less than three fairly major characters in his work who are magic horses that turn into hot babes who occasionally go into heat and become insatiable sex fiends.

Whoever it was who said that it feels anime had a brilliant insight that was dead to loving rights. Piers Anthony was writing bad anime before anyone in America knew there was such a thing.

t3h_z0r fucked around with this message at 08:40 on Jul 21, 2013

# ? Jul 21, 2013 06:10

t3h_z0r: Oct 13, 2012; "A cop in body armor is designed to look intimidating."
I AM A LIAR

Bieeardo posted:

icepick from your brain the bit that involves a dead infant consigned to Purgatory because it was the product of incest.

As I recall it wasn't that the baby was born of incest it's that it was unbaptized, which actually wasn't that bad because it was presented in-narrative as a horrid injustice that demonstrated the cruel failings of the Catholic-inspired system of sin they were operating under.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 06:14

Rand Brittain: Mar 25, 2013; "Go on until you're stopped."

mistaya posted:

How did I just not see all these majorly creepy descriptions? Like they never registered at all.

I think the main reason kids don't spot it is that it's all... not really subtextual, but it's all normalized. The sexual politics that Anthony holds to is presented as standard and normal, and everybody in the setting, from Bink to his father to random people in other villages, understands that this is how women work.

It's both more common and more obvious for an author's personal hobbyhorses to be presented as the cool and froody opinions of radical people, which can be held up against the square and repressive policies of the establishment.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 07:22

Thuryl: Mar 14, 2007; My postillion has been struck by lightning.

Bieeardo posted:

I still don't know what some of these puns are at the expense of, sometimes-- that 'stone dove' one is a perfect example.

To bird fanciers, the common pigeon is known as the rock dove.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 12:56

Heart Attacks: Jun 17, 2012; That's how it works for magical girls.

Nessus posted:

And to make Mors actually deliver the goods: I do remember some of his science-fictional concepts being, if not necessarily thought provoking, interesting; for instance, he seemed to either know of or accurately anticipate some of the dumber things in Second Life in 'Killobite' or whatever that book which was basically "VR MUXes: Now With Extra Diabetes Peril."

I remember this book ending (or maybe beginning?) or maybe being back-ended with commentary about how you can't actually do virtual reality on a 28 kbps connection, but maybe it would be possible with a 56k connection or something equally ridiculous.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 13:07

xiw: Sep 25, 2011; i wake up at night
night action madness nightmares
maybe i am scum
Cpig Haiku contest 2020 winner

Oh my, this will be good. The only Piers Anthony book that still holds up on rereading for me is Prostho Plus, for mildly amusing dentist sf comedy.

I am looking forward to the book with Grey Murphy, Dumbest Man Alive.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 13:28

Hipster Occultist: Aug 16, 2008; _{He's an ancient, obscure god. You probably haven't heard of him.}

Dear god, 13 year old me was an idiot. WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER THAT RAPE TRIAL! :gonk:

# ? Jul 21, 2013 13:38

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 5 has Bink finally across the Gap, though lost in the jungle. He considers again why he didn't take Iris up on her offer of a night's rest.

quote:

No, he knew why he had to go. He might never have left the island after that night. Not as his own man. And if he had, Sabrina would never have forgiven him. The very fact that such a night tempted him in retrospect-- and not merely for the comfort of sleep---meant that it was not a night he could have afforded.

Eventually, Bink manages to get himself a new staff by cutitng it off a tree. He pisses off a dryad first, though.

quote:

One large tree had a dryad, an inhabiting wood nymph, who looked very fetching, about like Iris at fourteen, but who cursed Bink roundly in most unladylike language. "If you want to carve defenseless things, go carve your own kind!" she screamed. "Go carve the wounded soldier in the ditch, you son of a--" Fortunately she balked at completing the rhyme. Dryads were not supposed to know such language.

Bink heads out to find that wounded soldier, who is lying with a wound on his back and a fever in an old ditch. Bink borrows his sword, threatening the dryad with it until she tells him where he can find healing magic. He feels disgusted with himself for doing it and tells himself he'd never have actually hurt her. She tells him there's the Spring of Life to the west, which can cure anything, but it's cursed. She refuses to say how. Bink tests the spring, which cures his severed finger. However, he then becomes paranoid about why no one talks about the Spring elsewhere, and tries to figure out what the danger is. He talks to the Spring, hoping that it will tell him, and...well, it does. The Spring tells him that anyone who uses its power must never act against its interests, on pain of losing the healing. Bink isn't sure about this - he doesn't know whether he trusts the Spring, which he fears might control all of Xanth if allowed. He tells it that he can't accept the deal, and the Spring gets angry. Bink feels magic around him...and then it fades, having done nothing. Bink isn't sure if the Spring was bluffing or if the curse will only hit him when he acts against the Spring's interests. He nearly gets in a fight with a chimera, until the thing leaves because the Spring doesn't want fighting on its shore. He brings a bottle of the water to the soldier, who takes the deal offered and is healed of his owunds. It turns out that the soldier was ambushed by ruffians while guarding the King's eyeball ferns (which I'm not counting as a pun, because it's just weird).

The soldier considers taking the water to heal the King's eyes, but decides against it because the Spring gives him a feeling that he shouldn't. Bink has no idea why. The soldier introduces himself as Corporal Crombie, and his talent is pointing the direction to anything. He tells Bink that he's going to serve as his bodyguard until they reach Humfrey, as repayment for saving his life. Crombie then decides to show off how helpful he can be by pointing out the direction of the greatest threat to Bink's welfare. He then decides to go deal with that, because you can't leave that poo poo alone, and leads Bink off towards it. They run into a terrified young woman, whom Crombie threatens with his sword. She is Dee, and she has no idea what's going on. Crombie checks again, but his talent still says the danger is Dee.

quote:

She was a plain girl, of strictly average face and figure, no beauty. This was in contrast to the several females Bink had encountered recently. Yet there was something vaguely familiar about her, and Bink was always unnerved by feminine distress. "Maybe it's not physical danger," he said. "Does your talent differentiate?"

"No, it doesn't," Crombie admitted, a bit defensively. "It can be any kind of threat, and she may not actually mean you harm--but sure as hell, there's something."

Bink studied the girl, whose sniffles were drying up. That familiarity--where had he seen her before? She was not from the North Village, and he really had not encountered many girls elsewhere. Somewhere on his current journey?

Slowly the notion dawned on him: a Sorceress of illusion did not have to make herself beautiful. If she wanted to keep track of him, she could adopt a completely different appearance, thinking he would never suspect. Yet the illusion would be easiest to maintain if it corresponded somewhat to her natural contours. Take off a few pounds here and there, modify the voice---could be. If he fell for the ruse, he could be in dire danger of being led into corruption. Only the soldier's special magic gave it away.

But how could he be sure? Even if Dee represented some critical threat to him, he had to be sure he had identified the right danger. A man who stepped around a venom mouse could be overlooking a harpy on the other side. Snap judgments about magic were suspect.

(Pun Count: 7.) Bink decides to give her some of the water from the Spring, on the theory that illusion or enchantment is an ill that would briefly be cured. Somehow, Crombie becomes aware of this plan via, I don't know, telepathy, because he seems to have some idea what Bink is doing. Dee claims she needs to see Humfrey so he can "give her a spell to make her well," which Bink and Crombie find suspect because she's just drank the water and is physically fine. Crombie decides that if Dee's going that way, he's sticking with Bink to watch her. Dee protests that she's got no plans to hurt anyone, but Crombie doesn't care. They all set off together, but then get caught in a magical, technicolor hailstorm, which they need to find shelter from. They spot a tangle tree, which is basically a carnivorous tree with grabbing tentacles, and while Crombie's talent says it's safe, that's really dangerous to hide near. Dee spots that it's already eaten, however, and so they can hide near it. Crombie suspects Dee is trying to trap them, but she isn't.

quote:

Within the shielded area there was a fine greensward rising in soft hillocks, rather like the torso of a woman. Sweet perfume odors wafted through, and the air was pleasantly warm. In short, this was a seemingly ideal place to seek shelter--and that was by design. It had certainly fooled the hephalumph. Obviously this was a good location, for the tangler had grown to enormous girth. But right now they were here rent-free.

Bink and Crombie chat about why Crombie got stabbed if he can point out danger - he apparently didn't ask, though he plans to get revenge now. The storm eases off, but they decide to wait until the hail goes away, since it usually melts pretty fast when it's magic. Dee says she's just from around the area, but Crombie gets suspicious of her. Bink decides he likes her, since they're both plain and ordinary. Bink mentions that he's doing this so he can marry Sabrina.

quote:

"You're going for magic so your girl back home will marry you?" Crombie asked, sounding cynical.

"Yes," Bink agreed, remembering Sabrina with sudden poignancy. Dee turned away. "And so I can stay in Xanth."

"You're a fool, a civilian fool," the soldier said kindly.

"Well, it's the only chance I have," Bink replied. "Any gamble is worthwhile when the alternative--"

"I don't mean the magic. That's useful. And staying in Xanth makes sense. I mean marriage."

"Marriage?"

"Women are the curse of mankind," Crombie said vehemently. "They trap men into marriage, the way this tangle tree traps prey, and they torment them the rest of their lives."

"Now that's unfair," Dee said. "Didn't you have a mother?"

"She drove my worthy father to drink and loco," Crombie asserted. "Made his life hell on earth--and mine too. She could read our minds -- that was her talent."

A woman who could read men's minds: hell indeed for a man! If any woman had been able to read Bink's mind-ugh!

"Must have been hell for her, too," Dee observed.

Bink suppressed a smile, but Crombie scowled. "I ran off and joined the army two years before I was of age. Never regretted it."

Dee frowned. "You don't sound like God's gift to women, either. We can all be thankful you never touched any."

"Oh, I touch them," Crombie said with a coarse laugh. "I just don't marry them. No one of them's going to get her hooks into me."

"You're disgusting," she snapped.

"I'm smart. And if Bink's smart, he'll not let you start tempting him, either."

"I wasn't!" she exclaimed angrily.

Crombie turned away in evident repugnance. "Ah, you're all the same. Why do I waste my time talking with the likes of you? Might as well argue ethics with the devil."

Dee decides she's had enough and heads out into the hail. Bink runs after her, but Crombie is glad she left. Bink trips and is buried in the hail, which is made of magic dust. A troll grabs his leg, but it turns out to just be Crombie, his form disguised by the film of magic dust over Bink's eyes. Crombie then teaches Bink how to properly throw people, and they have another chat about women when Crombie says that if Bink insists, he'll help find Dee.

quote:

So the man did have some decency, even with regard to women. "Do you really hate them all?" Bink asked as he girded himself to wrestle with the hail again. "Even the ones who don't read minds?"

"They all read minds," Crombie asserted. "Most of them do it without magic, is all. But I won't swear as there's no girl in the whole of Xanth for me. If I found a pretty one who wasn't mean or nagging or deceitful..." He shook his head. "But if any like that exist, they sure as hell wouldn't marry me."

So the soldier rejected all women because he felt they rejected him. Well, it was a good enough rationale.

The hail stops, and the magic dust dissolves quickly. Bink wonders why it happens, but has no real answer. He also isn't sure why the sun dissolves it, and suspects that means magic might come from underground. He wishes he could go search for the ultimate nature of Xanth, thinking it would answer all questions, but he has other things to do. Bink and Crombie find Dee again, but she decides she doesn't want to travel with them because Crombie's an rear end in a top hat, and she leaves. Crombie decides this is a good thing. They travel some more, and are finally within sight of Humfrey's castle when the chapter ends and Crombie leaves, his duty done. He also apologizes for driving Dee off.

Pun Count: 7 as of the end of Chapter 5.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 15:48

Dr. Clockwork: Sep 9, 2011; I'LL PUT MY SCIENCE IN ALL OF YOU!

Hipster Occultist posted:

Dear god, 13 year old me was an idiot. WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER THAT RAPE TRIAL!

Exactly what I thought while reading this thread.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 16:41

Drakyn: Dec 26, 2012

t3h_z0r posted:

This is nothing. The first six books are all pretty competently put together and mostly free of pederasty, even if they do have a lot of lovely gender politics by modern standards. After book seven the books begin a downward spiral of Wackiness, creepyness, incoherence, and loss of editorial control that more or less gets slightly worse with every one of the 29 following books.

Especially the puns. Good god. Every book there's more and more of them with less and less of a point. Eventually it's just streams of the things being listed off with no real effect on anything, just 'here's six different kinds of animal that are all puns in this place okay now none of them matter.'

# ? Jul 21, 2013 17:17

ProfessorCirno: Feb 17, 2011; The strongest! The smartest!
The rightest!

Count me in as another one who read the hell out of these when I was 14, only to look back in horror and shame. It's hard to say if that's the demographic these books are aimed at, because god knows I understood maybe 1 out of every 50 puns.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 20:19

Alaan: May 24, 2005

Me and some friends had been telling some people that were fortunate enough not to read them how bad they were. They were properly horrified, and we had forgotten pretty much all of the worst. My one friend was like "Well, I got rid of them except Spell for Chameleon because that's ok." But no, it really isn't.

# ? Jul 21, 2013 20:43

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Well, it's better than the rest in that it's not composed entirely out of puns.

But I didn't remember a lot of this poo poo. :staredog:

EDIT: Y'know... Bink is allegedly 25, but he sure doesn't act like it, and that seems like an awfully late time in somebody's life to be throwing them out because they don't have whatever quality it takes to be an adult in their culture. I think him being that old was an editorial mandate.

Zereth fucked around with this message at 20:50 on Jul 21, 2013

# ? Jul 21, 2013 20:47

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 6 starts with Bink's arrival at the Good Magician Humfrey's castle. It is a big, tough-looking castle that Bink estimates would take an army of craftsmen a year to make. (This means it is probably kind of a lovely castle; castles take a long time to make using pre-modern methods.) Bink examines the moat, but finds that it contains a hippocampus - a creature with the head and forelegs of a horse and a dolphin's tail. While it is technically called a seahorse, I am not going to count this because it's a mythological critter. Bink can't see a drawbridge, and notices that the hippocampus has a saddle on. However, he's pretty sure the thing is wild and is not safe to ride. Still, if he doesn't ride it, he doesn't deserve to get in, right?

quote:

Did Bink really want the answer to his question? At the price of a year's service?

The picture of beautiful Sabrina came to his mind, so real, so evocative that all else became meaningless. He walked up to the hippocampus, waiting at the edge of the moat expectantly, and climbed onto its saddle.

So Bink gets on the hippocampus, which takes him on a bucking, horrible ride through the moat, trying to knock him off so it can eat him. He is dunked underwater many times, but Bink holds his breath well and manages to tire the thing out enough that it just takes him across and lets him go. He approaches the front door, but finds that knocking is useless. He also can't see how it would actually open, and decides it must be fake. Indeed, there is a hidden door inside the main door, which he manages to shove open. Inside, he finds another monster - a manticora. A manticore, using an odd alternate spelling. It threatens to eat Bink, who is caged in with it. He enrages it on purpose, getting it to charge him and try to sting him, but in doing so he tricks it, getting it stuck briefly in the door out, which is far too small for it. Bink manages to escape past it, finally getting into the castle proper.

Once inside, Bink runs into what he believes to be an old elf of some kind. The elf willfully mishears his name and tries to annoy him into going away, but Bink gets mad and shouts at him enough that the 'elf' decides to let him in to see the Good Magician. It turns out that, rather than an elf, the man is actually Humfrey himself, who is just short and wizened.

quote:

"You are oink-headed and doubtless have a grotesque appetite. You'd no doubt cost me more in board than I'd ever get from you."

Bink shrugged, knowing it would be futile to debate such points. He could only antagonize the Magician further. He had really walked into the last trap: the trap of arrogance.

"Perhaps you could carry books and turn pages for me. Can you read?"

"Some," Bink said. He had been a reasonably apt pupil of the centaur instructor, but that had been years ago.

"You seem to be a fair hand at insult, too; maybe you could talk intruders out of intruding with their petty problems."

Bink is convinced that Humfrey will turn him away, but it seems that is not to be. Instead, he gets brought into Humfrey's study. Humfrey is basically a jerk, but he's happy to hold up his end of the deal. Bink explains what he wants, and Humfrey pulls out a demon in a bottle, Beauregard, to tell him what Bink's talent is. Beauregard studies Bink, and says that while the man has strong magic, he can't tell what it is. He also insults Humfrey while doing it, but that appears to be normal. Humfrey is intrigued by all this when Bink says he has no idea what's going on, and that the only magic he's used so far was some healing water. Humfrey examines it, and mentions that he keeps a keg of similar stuff in his cellar, but without the curse on it. He then gives the water back to Bink, and decides to use...well, a glorified Ouija board to question spirits about Bink's magic. The spirits agree that his magic is strong, and they can identify it, but will not tell what it is. Humfrey is very annoyed noiw, but also challenged. He casts a truth spell on Bink, and begins questioning him.

quote:

"Why did you come here?"

"To find out whether I have magic, and what it might be, so I shall not be exiled from Xanth and can marry--"

"Enough. I don't care about the sordid details." The Magician shook his head. "So you were telling the truth all along. The mystery deepens, the plot thickens. Now--what is your talent?"

Bink opened his mouth, compelled to speak--and there was an animal roar.

Humfrey blinked. "Oh--the manticora is hungry. Spell abate; wait here while I feed him." He departed.

Bink decides, being nosy, to go play with a mirror he finds on the wall. It is a magic mirror, it turns out, and he asks it to show him the fairest woman in Xanth.

quote:

Now-Sabrina looked out at him. Bink had been joking at first, but he should have realized that the mirror would take him seriously. Was Sabrina really the fairest girl of all? Probably not, objectively. The mirror showed her because, to Bink's prejudiced eye, she was the one. To some other man--

The picture changed. Now the girl Wynne looked out. Yes, she was pretty too, though too stupid to be worthwhile. Some men would like that very well, however. On the other hand--

Now the Sorceress Iris looked out, in her most beguiling illusion. "Well, it's about time you got around to me, Bink," she said. "I can still enable you to---"

"No!" Bink cried. And the mirror went blank.

Bink then asks the mirror why they're having so much trouble finding his talent, and it shows him a monkey's paw. Then he asks it directly what the talent is, and the thing breaks. Humfrey gets angry about Bink doing stupid poo poo, and tries the truth spell again. However, this time he's interrupted by the mirror shattering and then an invisible giant walking by and causing an earthquake. He realizes that Bink's talent is being concealed by Magician-level enchantment, but he has no idea who could do it. Only he, Iris and Trent have such power, and none of this type. Humfrey claims Trent wasn't particularly evil, and explains to Bink that exile to Mundania isn't the same as death. Humfrey tells Bink that the risk of the enchantment hiding his talent means that he can't fulfill the bargain, so there will be no charge to Bink. He doesn't know what's doing it, but Humfrey can't help him. He suspects the talent is a threat to someone or something that is keeping it hidden to stay safe.

quote:

Still Bink persisted. "How can I demonstrate my talent, then, so I can stay in Xanth?"

"You do seem to have a problem," Humfrey remarked, as if it were of only academic importance. He shrugged. "I'd answer if I could, but I can't. There is of course no charge for my service, since I was unable to complete it. I will send a note with you. Perhaps the King will allow you to remain after all. I believe the bylaws specify that each citizen shall be possessed of magic, not that he actually has to demonstrate it in public. On occasion the demonstration is suspended. I remember one young man who was able to change the color of his urine at will, for example. An affidavit was accepted in lieu of public display."

Failure seemed to have mellowed the Magician considerably. He served Bink a pleasant meal of brown bread and milk--from his private breadfruit orchard and deerfly stable, respectively--and chatted almost sociably. "So many people come here and waste their questions," he confided. "The trick is not necessarily to find the answer, but to find the correct question. Yours is the first real challenge I've had in years. The last one was---let me think--the amaranth. This farmer wanted to know how to develop a really superior plant for greens and grain, so he could feed his family better, and bring in a little income for the comforts of life. I located the magic amaranth for him, and now its use has spread all over Xanth, and beyond it too, for all I know. It is possible to make bread from it that is almost indistinguishable from the real thing." The Magician pulled out a drawer and brought out a special loaf. "See, this has no stem; it was baked, not budded." He broke off a chunk for Bink, who was glad to accept it. "Now that was the kind of question to ask. The answer benefited the whole country of Xanth as well as the individual. Too many desires are of the monkey's-paw variety, in contrast."

"The monkey's paw!" Bink exclaimed. "When I asked the magic mirror, it showed me---"

"It would. The image derives from a Mundane story. They thought it was fiction. But here in Xanth there is magic like that."

"Do you want to invest a year's service after all?"

"Uh, no, not for that." Bink concentrated on chewing the new bread. It was tougher than true bread.

"Then have it free. It simply means a type of magic that brings you more grief than good, though it grants what you technically ask. Magic you are better off without."

Humfrey explains that he had this castle built and hidden to keep stupid questions out. He had the centaurs build it for him in return for getting rid of a pest for them, and he periodically casts spells to misdirect travelers, so only serious questioners get here. Then he has challenges put before them - in Bink's case, the monsters and the hidden door. Bink suggests Humfrey could be king, with his powers, but Humfrey says that he has no desire to be king, and that no sane person does. He says to let someone who wants it do it.

quote:

Disconcerted, Bink cast about for someone who wanted to rule Xanth. "The Sorceress Iris---"

"The trouble with dealing in illusion," Humfrey said seriously, "is that one begins to be deluded oneself. Iris doesn't need power half so much as she needs a good man."

Even Bink could see the truth in that "But why doesn't she marry?"

"She's a Sorceress, a good one. She has powers you have not yet glimpsed. She requires a man she can respect--one who has stronger magic than she does. In all Xanth, only I have more magic than she---and I'm of another generation, really too old for her, even if I had any interest in marriage. And of course we would be a mismatch, for our talents are opposite. I deal in truth, she in illusion. I know too much, she imagines too much. So she conspires with lesser talents, convincing herself that it can somehow work out" He shook his head. "It is too bad, really. With the King fading, and no Heir Apparent, and this alternate requirement that the crown go only to a full Magician, it is entirely possible that the throne will be subject to her machinations. Not every young man has your integrity or loyalty to Xanth."

Bink felt a chill. Humfrey knew about Iris's offer, about their encounter. The Magician did not merely answer questions for a fee, he kept track of what was going on in Xanth. But he did not, it seemed, bother to interfere. He just watched. Maybe he investigated the background of specific seekers while the seahorse, wall, and manticora delayed them, so that by the time one won through, Humfrey was ready. Maybe he saved the information, in case someone came to ask "What is the greatest danger facing Xanth?", whereupon he could collect his fee for answering.

"If the King dies, will you take the crown?" Bink asked. "As you said, it will have to go to a powerful Magician, and for the good of Xanth--"

"You pose a question almost as awkward as the one that brought you here," the Good Magician said ruefully. "I do have a certain modicum of patriotism, but I also have a policy against interfering with the natural scheme of things. There is some substance to the concept of the monkey's paw; magic does have its price. I suppose if there were absolutely no alternative I would accept the crown--but first I would search most diligently for some superior Magician to assume the chore. We have not had a top talent appear in a generation; one is overdue." He gazed speculatively at Bink, "There seems to be magic of that caliber associated with you--but we cannot harness it if we cannot define it. So I doubt you are the heir to the throne."

Bink feels that there's no chance of that! Humfrey says that he's got some good traits and would be a good King if his talent wasn't hidden, and he doesn't think the source of the countermagic hiding it would be a good ruler. Bink finds the idea tempting for a moment, but then is repulsed - he knows he'd be a terrible king and would never be able to make the hard decisions a king has to make. Humfrey says this is sensible and lets him stay the night; in the morning, he'll give Bink a way home that is safe as long as he doesn't do anything stupid. Bink actually finds he quite likes the castle, and the manticore makes a good conversationalist. It would not actually have eaten him (though it was tempted, briefly, when he kicked it in the rear end). It came to Humfrey to find out if it had a soul.

quote:

Again Bink had to control his reaction. A year's service for a philosophical question? "What did he tell you?"

"That only those who possess souls are concerned about them."
�
"But--but then you never needed to ask. You paid a year for nothing."

"No. I paid a year for everything. Possession of a soul means that I can never truly die. My body may slough away, but I shall be reborn, or if not, my shade will linger to settle unfinished accounts, or I shall reside forever in heaven or hell. My future is assured; I shall never suffer oblivion. There is no more vital question or answer. Yet that answer had to be in the proper form. A simple yes or no answer would not have satisfied me; it could be a blind guess, or merely the Magician's offhand opinion. A detailed technical treatise would merely have obfuscated the matter. Humfrey phrased it in such a way that its truth was self-evident. Now I need never doubt again."

Bink was moved. Considered that way, it did make sense. Humfrey had delivered good value. He was an honest Magician. He had shown the manticora--and Bink himself---something vital about the nature of life in Xanth. If the fierce conglomerate monsters had souls, with all that implied, who could condemn them as evil?

Pun Count: ~~Still 7~~ 9 as of the end of Chapter 6.

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 03:25 on Jul 22, 2013

# ? Jul 21, 2013 21:17

Wolvorine: Nov 15, 2011; I am not drawing that.

Argh, thread moving too slowly...

I may be the only person around here who still likes Piers, but I tend to take his stuff at face-value. Still this thread is proving to be a lot of fun to read.

# ? Jul 22, 2013 00:13

neonchameleon: Nov 14, 2012

To join the chorus: How did I ever enjoy these books when I was a teenager? (Well, find them amusing and unmemorable rather than enjoy. But still...)

# ? Jul 22, 2013 00:56

CaptainRat: Apr 18, 2003; It seems the secret to your success is a combination of boundless energy and enthusiastic insolence...

neonchameleon posted:

To join the chorus: How did I ever enjoy these books when I was a teenager? (Well, find them amusing and unmemorable rather than enjoy. But still...)

I read a lot of stuff when I was a kid, and I read a lot of it uncritically because I hadn't really developed any critical thinking skills yet and because, for me, it was words on a page, and so it was automatically awesome. I just wanted to read everything, and the PA books, no matter what else you might say about them, certainly fell under that category.

It's weird. I read a ton of these, and now I can barely remember anything about them.

# ? Jul 22, 2013 01:17

Alaemon: Jan 4, 2009; Proctors are guardians of the sanctity and integrity of legal education, therefore they are responsible for the nourishment of the soul.

There's a character coming up that I remember liking Magician Trent, so I'll be interested to see if that holds up or comes crashing down like everything else.

# ? Jul 22, 2013 01:37

xiw: Sep 25, 2011; i wake up at night
night action madness nightmares
maybe i am scum
Cpig Haiku contest 2020 winner

Trent is an early case of Anthony's obsession with sitting around and logic-chopping honor and integrity so finely that everyone involves totally misses the point.

Anthony Character #1: Hi there - I'm not going to kill you.
Anthony Character #2: That's great! I was about to burn down the orphanage unless you killed me!
Anthony Character #1: Crap! And I promised not to kill you too! What will I do now? I know, I'll go on a wacky adventure to distract me from all these on-fire orphans [EXITS]

# ? Jul 22, 2013 02:34

Thuryl: Mar 14, 2007; My postillion has been struck by lightning.

Mors Rattus posted:

Pun Count: Still 7 as of the end of Chapter 6.

You missed two: breadfruit is an actual kind of fruit, although in real life it doesn't produce bread. Deer flies don't give milk, either.

# ? Jul 22, 2013 03:18

malkav11: Aug 7, 2009

I didn't go off Anthony just because there was an adolescent fascination with sex and some cringeworthy punnery. I mean, I had an adolescent fascination with sex and a strong tolerance for puns. No, it was when I picked up his autobiography at the library (I don't recommend doing this), began to read it, and discovered that he had decided that the perfect way to open his autobiography was a lengthy discussion of how much he had enjoyed receiving enemas as a young boy.

That was as far as I got.

# ? Jul 22, 2013 03:19

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# ? May 4, 2024 05:32

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Thuryl posted:

You missed two: breadfruit is an actual kind of fruit, although in real life it doesn't produce bread. Deer flies don't give milk, either.

Noted.

(I kind of skim large blocks of prose when reading if they don't contain relevant plot details.)

Mors Rattus fucked around with this message at 03:32 on Jul 22, 2013

# ? Jul 22, 2013 03:25

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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