Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Why would you expect her to ever do that?

Xone of Contention (Pun Count: 1) takes place a year after Zombie Lover, and it stars Breanna, Justin, Nimby, Chlorine, Kim, Dug and their friends Edsel and Pia. And oh my, is it a ride. We open on Edsel, who we learn is a computer programmer. He is trying to find a way to access the OS at a level that Windows doesn't want him to. Excuse me, "Doors."

quote:

"drat you, Macrohard," he swore softly "Just once, couldn't you give a person a break? I'm not trying to steal Doors from you, just to put a special function on the keypad 'Enter' key so Grundy Golem can work independent of the mouse. There are folk who don't like being chained to the mouse, you know, this isn't Dizzy World. Would it hurt you so bad to let someone have it his own way for a change?" But of course he knew the answer: yes, it would truly pain the company to let a user ever have it his own way. Macrohard never wanted anyone to forget for half an instant exactly who was the master, and who was the least important person in the universe. It couldn�t stop third party programmers like Edsel from trying to alleviate things but it could and did make sure that they were unable to make any significant improvements. So the bone became a whole zone of contention.

(Pun Count: 6) Edsel has the rest of his work done, but this one problem just won't go away. We also get a digression on how his printer has two paper trays but isn't allowed to print unless both have paper in them. He decides to take a break.

quote:

Maybe if he took a break, got his mind off it for an hour, the way would come to him. Sometimes it was like that, you had to take the pressure off the gate before you could unlatch it. He remembered his frustration the first time he needed to format a floppy disk, and Doors didn't even list formatting as an option. Their Help feature did tell where to find it, but neglected to clarify that a right mouse click was necessary instead of the left one, to get the proper menu. Macrohard was a genius at providing the necessary function, but effectively disabling it by the selective omission of a key detail, so that most users could not get the benefit of it. Truly fine sadism. So he had wasted precious time before finally finding it by chance. That was too often the only way, as with evolution: time and chance. And that could be wearing on the psyche. While the anonymous Doors programmers surely laughed their nerdly heads off. They evidently loved making working folk waste time, energy, and patience.

Edsel got up and walked to the garage. There was his pride: the Lemon motorcycle. He had had it for years, and it was a great old machine. Just a little off its feed right now, but some tinkering with the carburetor should fix that.

He laid out his tools and got to work. He always felt better when with his fine machine. The nerviest thing he had ever done was to put it up as his stake in a bet with his friend Dug. But it had been important, because he had won that bet. and gotten Pia. The bet had been that Dug, who had hated computer games, would like Companions of Xanth. The motorcycle against the girl. Not only had Dug liked the game, he had come out of it with a new girlfriend, Kim, now his wife. So his old girlfriend, Pia, was freed to be with Edsel. A win-win situation for the home team.

Or was it? Now it was seven years later, and his marriage to Pia was in trouble. Somehow they seemed to fight more than they made love. Sometimes they did both together. He was beginning to wonder whether they had made a mistake. Dug and Kim hadn't; their marriage was solid and harmonious. Which was odd, because Kim really wasn't lovely; she wasn't nearly as pretty as Pia, and not half as sexy. She also talked too much. But somehow she seemed just right for Dug. She clearly adored him, and he adored her. Edsel wasn't sure there had ever been a hard word between them. In contrast to the way it was between Edsel and Pia. Edsel had asked Dug about that once: how he had discovered Kim, and how they managed to get along so well.

The answer had been perplexing. "Sure, Kim didn't seem like much. But then she kissed me."

"That was it?"

"That was it. And when there's a problem, she kisses me again."

"When we have a problem, Pia won't kiss me at all."

"She's like that," Dug had agreed. That had reminded Edsel how Pia had once been Dug's girlfriend, and he didn't care to dwell on that.

Edsel gets to work on cleaning the carburetor when Pia shows up, annoyed that he's not done with his work yet. They have a deadline, and Kim's just called to tell her that a buyer is asking about shipping dates. Edsel is shocked to realize he's been at work on his bike for three hours, and Pia is perfectly correct to be mad. He puts it back together as fast as he can, cleans up and heads off to find Pia.

quote:

He reassembled things as rapidly as feasible. and washed his hands. He went to find Pia, hoping to explain, but she was on the phone, giving Kim an earful. It was an irony of the situation that the two women got along great. Maybe that was because Pia was glad Kim was taking up Dug's attention, and Kim was glad that Pia wasn't taking his attention. So he went to the office and put the Companions program on his computer, running through its routine. He was rather proud of it, overall.

A little figure, obviously fashioned of wood and rag, appeared. "Hi! I'm Grundy Golem, your Companion of the moment. I speak Basic, C++ and other computer languages, but you don't need to worry about that; I'll translate everything to your tongue. Please check in your name, gender, age, status, and whatever." A check-off sheet appeared. Edsel typed in his name, and checked Male, 23, Married. This part was optional, but it added to the effect.

"That's great, Edsel," Grundy said. "What do you want to know? Click your cursor on one of these words, or Select it by touching Alt and the first letter, and touch Keypad Enter." The figure held up a sign listing a number of popular programs.

Edsel clicked on Macrohard Doors Excess. "Good," Grundy said. "Now before we get into this. Edsel, I must tell you that you don't need to have me as your guide." His voice come through the system speakers; this was a multimedia program. "You can choose any of these others by Selecting or clicking on them." Several pictures appeared. One of them was Pia; it had amused them all to have her be the model for their own program. She looked great, because a program figure didn't put on weight the way a living one did.

(Pun Count: 7)

quote:

Edsel clicked Pia. Her picture came to life. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and skirt, and had small golden earrings representing Pluto, the P planet. "Very well, Edsel," she said dulcetly. "Now how can I help you with Excess? Do you know anything about spreadsheets or databases?" She smiled. She had a nice smile. In fact she had a nice everything, in appearance. He clicked "No."

"Well, they are both ways of storing and using information," she said. "Would you like me to walk you through the basics?"

This time he clicked No, though she had a lovely walk. She faced him, putting on a cute smile of perplexity. "What would you like. Edsel? Just type it in, and I'll do my best."

(Pun Count: 8)

quote:

He typed "Disrobe."

"If you wish." She opened her jacket and drew it off, revealing a tight, well-filled sweater She put her hands on its base and began to draw it up. showing a sheer blouse beneath. Then she paused, catching on. "Hey�it's supposed to be the program I'm helping you with, Edsel, not your sex life."

He smiled. He had always liked that part. That was as close as the Companion Pia ever came to quarreling, and farther on in the program she would remove the sweater if asked, and later the sheer blouse too. But it took precise management to get her to remove her bra or skirt, and that only after the user had demonstrated some competence in Excess. Her figure was worth the effort, though. To date they had had only three complaints about that feature, and dozens of notes of appreciation, and the program had sold well. One mother's letter had been choice: "Thank you so much for teaching my thirteen year old son to operate Excess. I don't know how you did it, but he learned it readily when he used your Companions guide, after getting nowhere elsewhere. He even runs through the guide for refreshers every so often, and his friends are learning too. They all say yours is the best." Obviously Mother herself had not caught on to the secret lure, and Junior wasn't telling. Modern teens were not stupid about software of the feminine kind, or about the attitudes of parents.

Edsel canned the program. It was the update for the Discuss word processor he was working on now, popularly known as Cuss. The latest revision of Cuss word was even more complicated and balky than usual, and really needed a good tutorial program. For example, it wouldn't let a file it made end in anything but .doc, as if it were a cartoon rabbit, on pain of horrendous file-trashing threats. Only by chance (as usual) had he discovered that he could get around that by putting his proposed file names in quotes. His tutorial clarified that and other dirty little secrets. If he could just make it work. He had to differentiate the two Enter keys, so that the Companions guide could have its own "Okay" key for special effects. But he still couldn't figure out how to free it from Macrohard's malign grip. Dog in the manger: if Macro didn't want to use it, nobody could. That familiar bone of contention, again.

(Pun Count: 10)

quote:

Maybe there would be inspiration on the GigaGrid, or the Mundane Mega Mesh that enclosed the world. He clicked the Mode M site and was on his way.

(Pun Count: 12)

quote:

"That's right�go hide m the Grid the way you always do," Pia said sourly behind him.

"Oh, go buy another box of chocolates the way you always do," he retorted He would rather make love to her than fight her, anytime, but often there wasn't much choice.

She disappeared, and he forged on into the Grid. It was always this way she had a sharp tongue, and he inevitably responded. Their marriage was on the rocks, and with it, maybe, their business. If it weren't for Dug and Kim, Companions might have foundered already. Kim was gregarious, so she was the saleswoman phoning clients, emailing them, paying personal calls, bringing in the orders that were their life blood. Dug handled the shipping and handling, often delivering the larger orders personally, for he was a handsome man who always made a good impression. Pia handled the accounts, and Edsel of course, struggled with the programs. He had let them down, this time, by trying for too much, and now he didn't have a finished program for them to deliver. He was the weak link, and he hated that. He was the lemon, this time.

[...]

He became aware that he had drifted into strange territory. There was a sign THIS IS THE O-XONE ENTRY TO THE MAGIC MESH REQUIRES THE RIGHT SPELL PENALTY FOR ABUSE IS A BUNION.

(Pun Count: 13) Edsel is intriged. He tries various passwords, but it doesn't work. He starts to feel a bunion coming on, and begins to whistle while also humming at the same time.

quote:

He tried the usual run of code words and signals but they didn�t work. Then his left big toe began to hurt. It felt like a bunion. He put voice into his whistle wondering whether this could be coincidence. How could a Mesh Leaf give a person a bunion. What kind of Xone of contention was this?

The sign changed SPELL ACCEPTED. YOU ARE NOW IN THE O-XONE. FOR ASSISTANCE IN NAVIGATING THE MAGIC MESH SEE BREANNA OF THE BLACK WAVE.

Spell accepted? What was it talking about? Oh�it must be a joke the sign changing automatically after a moment, encouraging him to hit on this Leaf. So okay, he could play this game, where was this Black Wave gal?

He walked down the hall, and noticed two things first, his bunion was gone, and second, what was he doing walking down a hall? This was an address on the Mundane Mega Mesh of the GigaGrid, he was gazing at his computer screen and interfacing with mouse and keyboard. Yet he wasn't, he was now walking down a hall. There were booths along it, each with a picture of a person, and a name. The colors were somehow brighter and clearer than those in his office, and the air seemed fresher.

And here was the name Breanna under the face of a cute black girl who looked to be about sixteen. She must be the one. So he lifted his knuckle and knocked on the picture.

It came to life "Ouch! You hit me!"

Startled, Edsel apologized. "Sorry I didn't mean to."

She looked at him. "What do you mean, didn't mean to?" she demanded with cute severity. "You rapped me on the noggin with your knuckle."

"I�I thought it was just a picture. I was knocking on the door. You know�hitting the site. I never thought it would be literal."

(Pun Count: 14) Breanna is shocked to find that Edsel is Mundane.

quote:

Breanna seemed mollified. "Okay. Let's start at the top. I'm Breanna of the Black Wave. My talent is to see in blackness. Who are you and what's yours?"

"I'm Edsel of�of Mundania, and I guess my talent is to cruise the GigaGrid. Or to make droll jokes. But I never found this�this Magic Mesh before."

"Of course not; it's barred to most Mundanes." The picture considered. It was a picture; just her head and shoulders, animate but flat, like a TV image. Yet her eyes looked at him, and she was responsive to his words. "You must have found a glitch. A spell that wasn't programmed. What exactly did you do?"

"Well, I whistled. Like this." He made a voiced whistle.

The picture wavered and became three dimensional. Breanna's lips pursed. "That's magic, all right; it just enhanced my sight."

"You mean your site?"

(Pun Count: 15)

quote:

She smiled. "That too, maybe. I mean, suddenly I see you rounded instead of flat. Am I the same to you?"

"Yes. But you're still just a head and shoulders. I can't see your rounded portions, though I'd like to."

She flashed another smile, appreciating the implied humorous compliment. "For sure. That's all there is of me in the Leaf. I mean, how could the real me be here?"

Breanna decides that will need to be patched.

quote:

"Well. I hope I'm not bad even if my marriage is patchy." He hadn't meant to say that; he was a little unsettled.

"Too bad you're not in Xanth. Marriages are forever, there."

"I know. My friend Dug went to Xanth and met Kim there, and they have a happy marriage."

Breanna's eyes widened. "You know Dug and Kim Mundane?"

Yadda yadda.

quote:

"I was too young then, only nine. Anyway, the Black Wave had just come into Xanth then; we didn't know our way around. Sherlock went with Dug and found a good place by Ogre Chobee for us to settle in. So I guess I can't complain. But it sure sounds like fun."

(Pun Count: 16)

quote:

"It sure does." he agreed. "Well, if I'm ever in Xanth, you can be my Companion and show me around." He felt a trace of guilt as he spoke, because he was flirting with this cute girl, and as a married man he shouldn't.

"I can. That's great!"

"Only I can't get into Xanth," he said with regret. "Dug and Kim go there only when invited. There was some kind of trial. Something about a big bird, I think."

"Roxanne Roc," Breanna agreed. "She won. She's just about the most important bird in Xanth now, except for the Simurgh. That's another great moment of history I missed. Bleep. I'd sure like to be in on a Great Moment. Well, I did get to go to Jenny's wedding." Then her picture paused, orienting on him with wild surmise. "Say�maybe we can do each other some good. Maybe you can visit Xanth, and I can be your Companion and show you around, and maybe that will be a great adventure and accomplish something nice, like patching up your marriage."

(Pun Count: 17.) Edsel likes the idea, but isn't sure how.

quote:

"I just got this wonderful wild notion. Here we are talking in the Interface. If we could stretch it a little farther, and exchange places, then maybe you'd be in Xanth and I'd be in Mundania. I wouldn't mind visiting it though I sure wouldn't want to stay." Then she reconsidered. "Well, maybe not you and me changing places, exactly. Maybe I could switch with your wife, and you could switch with my boyfriend Justin."

"Justin?"

"Justin Tree. He used to be a tree�well, he was a man first, then a tree, then we met. and now we're betrothed but we can't marry because I'm too young. We can't even smooch much, because I'm not supposed to know the Adult Conspiracy. I hate that! I mean, what's the point in making him convert early to a young man�he took some youth elixir� if we can't do anything? It's driving me crazy."

"I think I know the feeling," Edsel said, though he hardly understood all of what she was saying.

"So maybe if Justin and I could switch with you folk, and get into Mundania for a while, where there's not much enforcement of the Conspiracy, we could at least go from necking to petting. And you folk could do whatever you wanted, in Xanth, and your marriage wouldn't be in trouble, because marriages never are."

This was surely sheer foolishness, but it was wickedly tempting. "I'd do it. if there were a way."

"I'm thinking there could be a way. With the right connection. If nobody objected." She cocked her head "Do you think sixteen is too young?"

He knew what was on her mind. "I was sixteen when I got together with Pia, and she was fifteen. A girl can be pretty mature at fifteen, and moreso thereafter."

Yeeeeeeeah we're going here.

quote:

"For sure!" she agreed happily. "And Justin's not young at all. He's about ninety nine. I think."

He thought he had misheard. "Nineteen?"

"Ninety nine," she said carefully. "But he was a tree most of that time. I told you. But now he's been youthened to nineteen, so he'll be twenty one when I'm eighteen. We think that's about right. But he's got these grandfatherly reservations about things. You know, about touching girls. I figure if I can just get him safely alone for a week or so, I can bash down those barriers." She glanced at him again. "Do you think so?"

"Uh. that depends. If�"

"Oh, right, you can't see the rest of me. Well, it's proportional. Especially when I take off my clothes."

She did have adult notions. As Pia had had, at that age. "Then if he's got the body of a nineteen year old male, and you're sixteen, and proportional, you should be able to handle him in about three minutes."

Breanna explains the idea again: a body swap.

quote:

"Oh. Yes. That could be interesting." In fact, as he considered it, it seemed more than interesting. If he could embrace Breanna, knowing it was really Pia, so he wasn't being unfaithful... His thought trailed into an ellipsis with a potentially infinite number of dots. Some of them were white dots, like Pia; some were brown, like Breanna.

Breanna has an idea who to ask for help. She also explains that the O in O-Xone stands for 'other', an interface between Xanth and Mundania. Breanna's in charge because she knows some about Mundania. Edsel is the first visitor, though he isn't actually a Character.

quote:

"A what?"

"A Character. Xanth folk come here to the O-Xone and pretend to be Mundanes, and I guess Mundanes try to pretend to be Xanthians, mostly in their X-Xone, and maybe soon they can meet halfway. When we get it organized. Sean's working on it."

(Pun Count: 18) We get a brief recap on Sean Baldwin.

quote:

Breanna tended to provide more information than he could assimilate immediately, but it did help some. He returned to basics. "This business of exchanging bodies�I'm still not sure exactly how that works."

"Yeah, I guess you ought to try it. Maybe you should step into a picture."

"Do what?"

"Just walk on down to one of the scenes, and think yourself into it, and you'll get a sample. That's part of what the O-Xone is all about : sampling the other side. It'll give you a feel for it, though it's really illusion."

"Illusion?"

She frowned. "You are slow. Here in the O-Xone the magic's not complete, and illusion's cheap, so we use it a lot. I've got to go check with Nimby, so you take a break in a picture, and we'll meet here again when we're both done. Okay?"

Edsel wanders around. First, he finds an image of Castle Roogna, then one of the Gap. Then some centaurs, and Edsel stares at their giant, naked tits. Then he spots a winged squirrel, which he deduces must be a flying squirrel. (Pun Count: 19) He tries to figure out how to go into the squirrel image, but finds that he can't.

quote:

He stared into the picture, pondering. Did he need to hum-whistle to invoke the magic? He tried that, and the picture seemed to shimmer and expand, but he still wasn't in it. The winged squirrel was still there, with a dark trail wending into the background.

Then, irrelevantly, he remembered a song. It was about a young man who faced a difficult trip through a forest, yet he anticipated it with joy. He began to hum it, thinking the words. "Though the path is long and dark, rocky steep and narrow. Though the wood is dark and cold, this brings me no sorrow." Because in that woodland lived his darling loved one. Edsel was married, but he still liked romantic situations. He pictured Pia in that wood, as lovely as she had been at sixteen.

Then he was in the scene. The forest was suddenly huge around him. He took a step, faltered, and spread his wings for balance. He was the flying squirrel! Could he really fly? It seemed worth a try.

He faced in the direction of a glade, spread his wings, ran on his hind feet, flapped�and was airborne! He pumped his wings frantically, trying to maintain balance while gaining elevation, but overdid it and stalled out. He dropped, landing on his tail. No damage done, fortunately.

But his clumsy effort had attracted attention. Suddenly a monstrous shape was entering the glade. It was a fire-breathing dragon!

Edsel panicked. He got all four feet under him, folded his wings, and scooted for the nearest underbrush. A jet of flame passed over his head, and he realized that the dragon had expected him to take flight, so had aimed high. But because he was really a land-bound creature, he had stayed on land�and maybe saved himself a frying.

However, the dragon wasn't through. It was reorienting, and this time it wouldn't miss. Brush would not protect him from that flamethrower.

Edsel scrambled for the nearest tree, getting behind it just as the flame set the brush on fire.

How could he escape? He peered up the trunk of the tree. The top seemed worlds away, and he didn't trust his claws to hold on, for all that he was a squirrel. The dragon could toast him long before he got out of range. He heard the ground shaking as it tramped toward the tree. He would have to make a break for it on the ground. Maybe if he ran toward the dragon, that would surprise it, and he could get by it and beyond it before it could turn around. Then maybe he could find a hole in the ground or something.

A giant foot crashed down on one side of the tree. Edsel turned to the other side�and there was the dragon's awful snoot. He was trapped before he even got started.

"I want out of here!" he cried. And there he was back in the hall, standing before the picture, which now showed a dragon crouching by a tree. His heart was pounding. That had been one close escape.

When he looks back at the picture, however, the squirrel has managed to escape, so he feels relieved at not having gotten it killed. He heads back to Breanna, who is surprised he didn't gor for one of the mermaid pictures.

quote:

"I didn't see that one," he said, with real regret. He could have entered a scene with friendly mermaids? He had heard it said that a mermaid had all the good parts of a woman, and none of the bad parts. As if there were any bad parts.

"Or maybe the one showing the Faun & Nymph Retreat. Naturally I'm not supposed to know how they celebrate all day, being underage, but I have a suspicion you'd find it interesting."

Breanna explains that the dragon in the squirrel image was enchanted to just barely miss each time, so as to make the fear realistic. She also says she checked with Chlorine (Pun Count: 19) and she says that a body swap is fine...but Breanna can't go. However, she'll be serving as Ed and Pia's companion, along with Justin. Edsel promises not to tell anyone if Breanna and Justin gently caress while they're doing the guide work.

quote:

"You aren't where you come from." she said with half a smile. "You'll meet Nimby and Chlorine tomorrow. But there's more: they're going to visit Mundania, by switching bodies with you. They'll need Companions too. to show them around, because Mundania can be just as dangerous as Xanth for strangers. So can you dig up a reliable pair of Mundane Companions?"

"Mundane Companions? I suppose we could ask Dug and Kim�"

"Great! Bring them here this time tomorrow, and your wife, and I'll bring Nimby and Chlorine, and Justin, and we can work it all out This should be a great adventure."

Just like that? But of course Dug and Kim had had experience in Xanth, so should have good advice. What Pia would think of this he wasn't sure. But it was worth a try. "I'll do that," he said.

Edsel heads out of the O-Xone, using his whistle-hum to exit and find himself back in his normal body.

quote:

He exited the Mesh, and then the GigaGrid. He had some talking to do, to several people.

First, Pia. She was every bit as understanding as usual. "Have you been doing drugs?"

"No," he said patiently. "This is a Mesh interface. And maybe a chance for us to get into Xanth for a visit. The way Dug and Kim do."

"Just because they're crazy enough to believe in fantasy is no reason we have to," she retorted. "How could you fall for such a line of crap?"

"Pia, please. I thought it would be good for our relationship. To have a break. A vacation in a magic land. Maybe we could mend fences, or something."

"As if you even care!" she said witheringly.

"I do care. I�I'm sorry that things are going wrong."

"Maybe they're going right. Did you ever think of that?"

"Going right?" he asked blankly.

"Maybe it was a mistake, us getting married. Maybe now we're finally catching on. Maybe we're getting ready to set things right."

"I don't understand." But he feared he did.

She softened. "Ed, some marriages aren't meant to be. I think we should consider divorce."

He was stunned. She had said the D word. He had thought she was going to recommend counseling. "I�I don't want that."

"But maybe it's best. To recognize the situation, and take appropriate action. There should be less pain that way."

She was serious. She must have considered this pretty carefully, and that knocked his world for a loop. But what could he do?

He decided to go for double or nothing. "How about this: let's make a deal. You give this fantasy visit an honest try. and if it doesn't work, then I'll�I'll not oppose a divorce. If that's what you want."

Pia takes the deal. They call Dug and Kim and inform them that they have to talk, then head for their house.

quote:

Edsel wheeled out the Lemon, and Pia climbed on behind him, putting her arms around his waist. He had always liked riding with her. feeling her thighs against his hips, her bosom against his back. Her body wasn't quite as good as it had been, but still appealed to him. He wondered how he had changed to turn her off, or whether she just had a short romantic attention span.

He started the machine, and the engine came alive It skipped a little, then settled down. He still hadn't fixed the problem, but it was marginal rather than serious, so far. He guided the Lemon out into traffic. Two things he loved: the motorcycle and his wife. Now the one was weakening, and so was the other. But the game wasn't over; maybe he could save both.

"You should have dumped this junk long ago." Pia muttered. "For a decent car."

"But I thought you liked my bike." he protested.

"Times change."

Edsel fears he knows why Pia no longer likes him: she is shallow and incapable of longterm commitment, having relied entirely on her looks to get through things and never having an unselfish thought. He is still in love with her, but what he really wants is Kim's personality in Pia's 16-year-old body. (Actually, you need to read this directly.)

quote:

Actually, he feared he did know why: because Pia was as shallow as she was lovely, perhaps incapable of a meaningful long-term relationship. She had always used her looks to get by, and never developed a serious unselfish commitment to anything. Yet he remained smitten. What he truly wanted was perhaps not even theoretically achievable: the looks of Pia as she had been at age sixteen, and the character of Kim. Or at least Pia's present appearance, and an uplifting long term goal. Something she truly believed in that didn't directly benefit herself.

They arrive at Dug and Kim's.

quote:

Kim opened the door. She was tall and lean, in jeans, and her lace was garden variety, but she had a contagious enthusiasm for things. She had short curly light brown hair and blue eyes. Edsel wondered for the nth time what Dug saw in her, for Dug had always been just as fascinated by sexy women as Edsel was. She had been a string bean at sixteen, and remained one at twenty three. Pia, in contrast, had lustrous long dark brown hair, sexy green eyes, a cute heart shaped face, and a figure that remained not far short of great. There simply was no comparison between them. Yet Dug plainly doted on Kim. Ever since she kissed him, he said. As if that made sense.

Edsel then stares at Pia's rear end for a bit, then her legs.

quote:

Dug took another chair, facing Edsel rather than Pia. Dug had once been Pia's boyfriend, but he had treated her like a sister ever since Kim came into his life. Edsel suspected that that bothered Pia on some level, though she wanted nothing romantic to do with Dug. The men she dumped weren't supposed to do as well as Dug had.

Edsel explains the O-Xone, and Kim apparently already knows about it. And also knows Breanna...somehow? I don't even know. He explains the whole exchange concept. Kim gets everything immediately. Dug and Kim are happy to help.

quote:

Edsel was starting to catch on to what Dug saw in her. Kim had not only anticipated his awkward request, but agreed to it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Thanks," he said, much relieved. "Breanna and someone called Justin will be our guides in Xanth. but I was concerned about imposing on you."

"No problem at all," Kim said, glancing again at Dug, who nodded. "We're glad to help with anything connected to Xanth. This is such a great breakthrough! We thought it'd be another year before they got the O-Xone set up. Who is coming here?"

"Someone called�" Edsel scratched in his memory. "Nimble, I think. And Connne." He remembered the name meant something, like a pool cleaner, but couldn't quite recover it. though Breanna had spoken it several times.

(Pun Count: 21) Kim kisses Edsel out of enthusiasm.

quote:

The world seemed to turn over, Edsel was floating on the elevated side of a Ferris wheel, high among pink clouds, dizzy but happy. Suddenly the rest of the mystery evaporated, and he knew what Dug meant. That was the best kiss he had ever experienced�and it wasn't even serious. If she had wanted to seduce him, she could have done it merely by holding the kiss longer. Of course that was not her intent, and everyone knew it. But what a kiss!

Kim explains that she'd thought they were talking about breaking up. Pia admits that they are, if Xanth doesn't work out.

quote:

Things got abruptly serious. "You are considering it?" Kim asked, and now there was no mischief or humor in her expression or tone. Edsel realized that she had not forgotten that Pia had been Dug's first girlfriend. Surely she didn't want Pia on the loose again.

Dug is sure Xanth will work, though. Pia and Edsel head back home, and Edsel gets to work on the program, finding a way to get what he wants done. He hands it off to Pia, who calls Kim and informs her it'll be over in an hour.

quote:

"An hour?" Edsel asked. "We can have it there in fifteen minutes."

She stood, stepped into him and kissed him. Then she led him to the bedroom.

Bemused, he realized that she was truly pleased to have the program done, so that they would not default on a deadline. And maybe she was jealous of Kim's kiss, too. Pia never apologized, she just changed her mind, like the popular conception of the ideal woman. She had one effective way to make everything right, and he was not about to object. Whatever other problems they might have, they had none in bed when Pia was amenable. He knew that this was merely a gesture of the moment, and that nothing long-term had changed. But it would be one phenomenal moment.

He was correct.

The next day, they meet up at the O-Xone, online, and he whistles them in, shocking Pia. We are also assured that Kim dressed up and looks decent now. They find Breanna and are brought in to meet her completely.

quote:

They stood in the center, uncertain whether to sit. Then from a hall on the opposite side a man and a woman entered. The man seemed to be of college age, and the woman of high school age. In fact she was Breanna, this time complete. "You're right," Edsel said, sun eying her body. "It's proportional."

Breanna smiled. "You've been kissed recently, Edsel. It shows. So I guess it's okay for me." She walked up to him, embraced him, and reached her face up to kiss him.

It felt real. Not destabilizing in the way of Kim's kiss, or sexy in the way of Pia's kiss, but solid and pleasant. He had never been kissed by a black girl before, and was almost surprised to discover that it was just like any other kiss. She was a very nice little package.

...wow. Just...just, wow. They make their introductions. Kim apparently knew about Breanna because they got a report on Jenny's wedding. Breanna namedrops Nimby and Chlorine, shocking Kim.

quote:

Breanna glanced at him sharply. "You don't know who they are?"

"I never heard of them before yesterday."

Breanna smiled. "Maybe that's just as well. They are the ones you'll be exchanging with. They want to visit Mundania. In fact it turns out they set this up, so they could do it."

As for how Kim knew...wasn't Nimby's true identity a secret? They meet with Nimby and Chlorine, and Edsel immediately starts ogling Chlorine.

quote:

"Thank you." Chlorine said smoothly. "We know. Now there should be no misunderstanding, so I will spell it out. Nimby is a demon who normally assumes dragon rear end form in Xanth, hut he can take any form he wants, and give any form to his companion. We will borrow your forms in Mundania, but we think that something else is better for you in Xanth." She glanced around the room.

Edsel glanced too, as he wasn't sure what she meant. Dug and Kim both seemed awed, as if they were seeing something miraculous or incredible. What was their problem?

Nimby and chlorine become clones of Edsel and Pia.

quote:

"So you can be yourselves, in Xanth," Chlorine continued. "Except that you will have to have magic talents, because everyone in Xanth does." Then she and Nimby reverted to their original forms, abating the confusion.

Something else occurred to Edsel. "Pia�she's diabetic. Will she be the same in Xanth?"

Chlorine turned to Breanna. "Diabetic?"

"It's a problem handling sugar in the body," Breanna said. She glanced at Pia. "Do you have to take shots?"

"Yes."

Chlorine glanced at Nimby, who nodded. She turned back to face the others. "Yes, she will be the same."

Edsel wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. But it would be nice to seem to be themselves. Still, he wasn't quite satisfied. Where was the catch? "Why are you two acting as if you see ghosts?" he asked Dug.

Chlorine smiled, and the room actually brightened. "I will answer that, in a moment. But you must agree to tell no one else."

Edsel had a programmer's mind. He didn't like open ended processes. "How can we agree, if we don't know what we're agreeing to?"

"I will tell you, and if you then agree, you will retain the memory. Otherwise you will lose it."

Edsel doesn't like the sound of it, and doesn't really believe that Nimby can do it anyway. But he agrees to listen. We get the backstory of Nimby and Chlorine.

quote:

"A dragon rear end," Chlorine said. "But when I asked him to change, he assumed a nicer form." The princely man reappeared "This isn't his real form either, but I am satisfied with these two forms. I like being a damsel with a dragon. Nimby is actually a crafted form of the Demon X(A/N)th from whom all magic flows. I speak for him, and guide him, because my compass is small enough to concentrate on scenes and events that are for him like ants on a distant slope; it is an effort for him to focus on them. Your friends recognized him, and are properly amazed."

(Pun Count: 22)

quote:

Nimby reached out with one hand, toward Edsel and Pia. The hand expanded, becoming huge. The fingers closed around the two of them. Pia screamed as they were lifted right out of the Leaf and through the ceiling, which fuzzed away. They soared high above the landscape of Xanth. whose outline looked much like the State of Florida, or possibly Italy, Korea, or some other large peninsula. The hand held them firmly, but the arm trailed into a mere string, as if they were being flown like a kite. Then the whole thing melted into swirling colors. They became two birds, flying toward a castle. Their wings beat in the air as if it were water. They flew into a window, into a chamber, where a woman walked who had a tiny moon circling her head. She glanced up, seeing them as they joined its orbit. But then they flew on, back out the window, and across the landscape to a great lake, where they dived down into the water and became two flying fish, touring a fabulous magical underwater setting where mermaids and mermen were just the beginning. Then back out to air, to the coast, which glistened like polished brass. On to another castle, and into that one, and to a room where six people stood. They landed, resuming their natural forms. They were back in the chamber with the others.

"Who was that woman?" Pia asked.

Chlorine knew whom she meant. "That was Princess Ida, whose moon has all the folk who ever did. ever will, or ever might live on Xanth. She's very perceptive."

"Yes," Edsel said. "She saw us."

"Ever might." Pia asked. "Like whom?"

Chlorine looked at Nimby, then answered. "Like people Xanth doesn't have room for yet. Like Dol, the son of Magician Grey and Princess Ivy, whose talent is to turn inanimate things living. But they already have three children, so he must remain a might instead of an is."

"I suppose that makes sense," Pia said dubiously.

Edsel is convinced, and he and Pia agree to keep the secret. He also gets permission to use some of what he saw in future products.

quote:

That reminded him. "No mention of Nimby. But why does anyone with this much power want to go to Mundania in someone else's body?"

"There are other Demons," Chorine explained "Most are associated with what you call planets, though their essence is not planetary but demonic. The demon X(A/N)th felt no need of a lot of territory, so took only a small segment of one globe, leaving the rest to the Demon E(A/R)th. But now, with increasing interaction between the denizens of Xanth and Earth, he would like to explore that other region. However, he has no magic power in Mundania, and the Demon E(A/R)th might do him mischief, being resentful of his status among Demons. So he needs to do it privately. This seems to be an opportunity."

(Pun Count: 24) They decide to take a week to set things up, then do the swap.

quote:

Then the scene dissolved, and the four of them from Mundania were standing at the O-Xone exit. Edsel hum-whistled, and they were back on their linked computers. Back in Mundania. Already it seemed dreary.

Pun Count: 24 by the end of Chapter 1.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 19:12

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 3, 2024 18:03

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

I think 'macrohard' just gave me a migraine. That's Micro$oft levels of 'cleverness'.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:01

xiw: Sep 25, 2011; i wake up at night
night action madness nightmares
maybe i am scum
Cpig Haiku contest 2020 winner

Our hero: author of a porn Clippy knock-off.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:17

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

They aren't even trying to keep Nimby secret anymore.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:18

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Anthony knows how to write two kinds of male protagonists: boring and horrible. This guy manages to be both.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 20:53

Lottery of Babylon: Apr 25, 2012; STRAIGHT TROPIN'

Mods change my name to "software of the feminine kind" tia

# ? Mar 9, 2014 21:07

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

This looks horribly like advertising for a Xanth MMORPG.

In among all the other horrible poo poo, that is.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 21:36

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

Runcible Cat posted:

This looks horribly like advertising for a Xanth MMORPG.

Imagine the end game: 12-hour dungeon crawls, but instead of a monster at the end, there is a prince, and you have to marry him. If you don't, your character is deleted from your account when you hit level 30.

# ? Mar 9, 2014 22:00

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

How worried should we be that the path to Xanth is by chatting up a hot teenager online?

# ? Mar 9, 2014 22:18

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Dienes posted:

Imagine the end game: 12-hour dungeon crawls, but instead of a monster at the end, there is a prince, and you have to marry him. If you don't, your character is deleted from your account when you hit level 30.

It's worse than that; you have to marry whoever you finish the crawl with.

# ? Mar 10, 2014 13:24

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 2 is from Pia's POV. She finds Edsel and her marriage fairly boring, but Xanth is interesting to her. She had always envied Dug and Kim their ability to believe in fantasy, and now she gets to see real magic. She still doesn't really believe in it, but she was impressed by the O-Xone. Plus, Edsel has agreed not to oppose divorce if this turns out poorly, which she's pretty sure it will. She doesn't really hate Edsel - she just finds him boring, and she wants excitement, novelty and indulgence. She got Edsel to make his bet when she found Dug boring, but now she regrets that - Dug's interesting again. Still, she is willing to give this a fair shake - if for no other reason than to avoid an ugly breakup.

quote:

Now if only she could be as readily free of her diabetes. She had long since learned to give herself insulin shots, they really didn't hurt any more, and twice a day was enough. The blood sugar level checks were mere pinpricks, a nuisance, but again, routine. So apart from a certain caution about her diet, she could mostly ignore it. But she would rather be free of it. For one thing, it was likely to complicate things if she ever decided to have children, not that she expected to. Children were such demanding nuisances.

On the appointed day, their business in temporary remission, they sat at their computers again and connected via their modems to the Mode M Mesh. The three others were so enthusiastic that Pia found herself reluctantly carried along. Dug and Kim swore that there was no better land than Xanth, as long as a person was careful about dragons and such. Edsel�he seemed a bit much taken with that black girl, what's her-name, with her lustrous waist length black hair, green eyes and pert figure. As if Pia herself didn�t have those same things, except that her hair was brown. Well, Pia's figure had filled out some in the past few years. She had to use a corset when wearing a show dress. She hated that, but she loved chocolate, and the two sort of went together. Her malady also tended to add to her weight, because she was constantly balancing sugar against insulin, and it was easier to eat a bit of sugar than to cancel a shot she had just taken. If she anticipated needing less insulin, then she could cut down, but life was full of ugly little surprises. So she was fighting a losing battle of bulge. Edsel hadn't commented but she could no longer bend him to her whim as readily as she once had, and she figured this was why. Of course there was an age difference between the black girl and Pia, sixteen vs twenty two, and she remembered how well Edsel had liked that age. Wait till time had its way with the girl then see how pert she remained. But what was her concern? That girl was otherwise committed, and in a fantasy land, and if Edsel strayed�well that would make the divorce that much easier.

Oh boy. Pia is again quite impressed by the technology that makes it seem they enter the O-Xone physically. They find the others.

quote:

"Some things we need to clarify," the damsel said. Chlorine�that was her name, like a chemical treatment�was taking charge, in her pushy manner, as she had before. "We shall need to remain in touch, in case it should prove necessary to end the exchange early. So we must report to this O-Xone each day." She glanced around, but nobody disagreed. "And though Nimby and I will not have magic in Mundania, the two of you will have talents in Xanth. We want you to have useful ones, that will help you get along without being so strong as to attract undue attention. So you, Edsel, will have the ability to create solid illusionary creatures. And you, Pia, will be able to see one day into the future. That should help you avoid problems, as you will be able to change that future by changing your immediate actions."

They take Chlorine and Nimby's hands, and are suddenly in the other bodies. Chlorine assures them that their bodies are in perfect health...except for Pia's diabetes. Edsel and Pia head with Breanna and Justin, and the groups promise to check in in 24 hours. They head past a love spring to meet with Com Passion. (Pun count: 25)

quote:

"Hi, Passion," Breanna said brightly. "These are Edsel and Pia Mundane."

"Pia Putz," Pia corrected her, using her maiden name. "And my business associate, Edsel."

Edsel glanced at her. but did not challenge her statement. She was choosing to be herself on this excursion, not someone's disenchanted wife.

They also introduce themselves to Passion's mouse, Terian. (Pun Count: 26) Terian demonstrates her mouseness by turning into a mouse. Pia is terrified that the mouse will run up her leg and shouts about it. Passion asks if they want to stay and play a game, but they can't. They promise to return in a day, and leave. Pia asks where she'd go to take a poo poo. Breanna leads her to an outhouse, which uses illusion to not look like a board with a hole. Pia uses this as a hcance to give herself an insulin shot. They head back, and Edsel scares them with a solid illusion ghost.

quote:

Pia concealed her annoyance at being frightened. "I thought a ghost wasn't solid."

"This one is," Edsel said. "I can't make a real ghost, but this is a fake ghost. Go ahead, touch it."

Breanna reached out and caught hold of the ghost's substance. "Sheet," she said.

"Can you use such language in Xanth?" Edsel inquired innocently.

(Pun Count: 26) Edsel makes a few dirty jokes which Justin doesn't get. Justin demonstrates his talent of voice projection, and Pia tests hers - she looks into the future and sees trees and water. She then spots Edsel moving aorund. She learns she can only see, not hear or anything else, and sees exactly 24 hours into the future. She sees nothing especially interesting as she keeps testing it. Justin suggests willing herself to choose another course in the future, to see if anything changes, but...nope. They start to wonder why Pia is seeing a shoreline, since they plan to head for Roogna.

quote:

That made the girl paused. "Gee. I don't know. Unless maybe we ask the roc to take us to the Isle of View or something."

(Pun Count: 27)

quote:

"It's an island named View. Very romantic. Prince Dolph and Princess Electra got married there." Breanna smiled. "I hear it was quite an event, because neither one of them knew how to signal the stork. But they must have figured it out because the stork delivered twins."

"I wonder if there's an Isle of View II," Edsel mused, his tone indicating that this was supposed to be funny. "For the second time around."

Pia figured it out. Isle of View I Love You. And I Love You Too. Romantic by definition. She didn't want to go there with Edsel; he would get ideas. So she would insist on the original tour, to that castle.

(Pun Count: 28) Yes, that joke needed to be explained. They head on and find a sign.

quote:

The sign said RESTLING-BOXING-SOCKER. An arrow indicated another side path.

Edsel heads off to investigate without anyone getting a hcance to say anything.

quote:

They followed Edsel down the path. They came to a region where several men. women, and children were lying on the ground. They weren't sleeping, just lying.

"You folk okay?" Edsel asked.

"Of course," the nearest man said. "We are restling."

"Wrestling?"

"Restling. We are finding out who can laze around the longest. The winner gets to do it again tomorrow."

(Pun Count: 29)

quote:

But Edsel was already going on to the next. This turned out to be a group of people making boxes as quickly as they could. Boxing.

(Pun Count: 30)

quote:

"The Socker should be better." he said, moving on.

It wasn't. People were hurling stinking used socks at each other. The winner was evidently the one who could overcome the others with the intoxicating fumes. Several people were gasping on the ground, and others had purple faces.

(Pun Count: 31) They head on and find...well.

quote:

They returned to the main path. There at the juncture was a female form so luscious it seemed like a crime. Edsel's gaze was immediately locked, and so was Justin�s.

It is wearing a toga - and the book is very clear that the word is 'it.'

quote:

The figure began unwinding the cloth. Soon the face would be exposed. "I thought I might ask one tiny little favor."

"We're not looking to do favors," Breanna said "We're a special party touring Xanth. So if it's all the same to you�"

"By no means," the figure said in dulcet tones. "It is very miscellaneous for me."

"It is what?" Edsel asked.

"Unlike, altered, contrary, deviant�"

"Different?"

"Whatever," she agreed crossly.

(Pun Count: 36) She's baaaaaack. Justin recognizes Metria.

quote:

The opening hood turned to him "You have an obstruction with that?"

"A what?"

"Problem," Breanna snapped "No, we don't have a problem with that. But we're not in the business of favors."

(Pun Count: 37) Metria gets Edsel to agree to it because, well, Metria has huge tits.

quote:

The demoness unwrapped some more. Her sculptured slender neck came into view, and the first divine upper swell of her gently heaving bosom "I thought if you were touring Xanth anyway, you could take along my darling Ted."

"Ted?" Edsel asked foolishly, his mind evidently on that swell rather than her words.

"My baby. You have no idea what I went through to get him delivered. But now Demon Ted is three, and wants to explore Xanth." Her rose-petal mouth quirked. "Without his cadaver."

"His what?"

She unwound some more. "Corpse, carcass, deceased, embalmed, bandaged�"

"Mummy," Pia said, before thinking. "His mummy."

(Pun Count: 44) Edsel and Justin quickly agree.

quote:

"And of course his inseparable friend of the same age, DeMonica," Metria continued as the winding bared her expanding hips.

(Pun Count: 45) And they agree to that, too. Breanna is annoyed - she knows that she and Pia will have to take care of the kids, because Justin and Edsel are men, and therefore incompetent at kids. Metria offers to show her panties, but Breanna stops her.

quote:

"Because it will freak them out, and they won't be able to do the job."

Metria considered. "You do have a prong."

"A what?" Pia asked, again before she thought.

"Pin, spur, tine, spike�"

"Point."

(Pun Count: 50) Metria leaves the kids.

quote:

"I'm Ted," the boy said. He wore a little frilly pink dress with matching feminine sandals. His blond hair was tied with a red ribbon.

"I'm Monica," the girl said. She wore blue shorts and matching sneakers. She had large brown eyes, a turned up nose, and short brown hair.

But they were indeed cute. "Uh, haven't you gotten something confused?" Pia asked them.

The children looked at each other. Then they laughed together, and their clothing started to change. Soon he wore the shorts and she wore the dress. Her hair also lengthened to support the red ribbon, while his shortened.

Ted and Monica rush off to explore, but Breanna convinces them to stick to the path to avoid getting eaten.

quote:

"Hey, there's a B," Ted said, pointing.

"It's a rate," Monica agreed.

"What are they talking about?" Pia asked.

"The B's make the people they sting emotional," Justin explained. "A B-rate would make a person scold others."

(Pun Count: 51)

quote:

"There's a Joy stick." Ted said, pointing to a little column beside the path.

"No, it's a Sad stick," Monica said. Indeed, the stick did look droopy.

(Pun Count: 53) We get a brief digression on Metria's half-soul.

quote:

"Demons don't have souls, because they are souls," Breanna explained. "When you use your soul as a body, it gets degraded, and you lose its finer aspects. So they don't have much conscience, and they can't really love. But Metria got a taste of what souled life was like, and got a hankering, and finally married a mortal man and got half his soul. It's sort of a convention; a demon who marries a mortal can have the better half. Then she has a conscience, and can love, in a half-donkeyed way."

(Pun Count: 54) They decide to ask the kids how much of a soul they each have. The kids have gotten into some mischief, but don't want to talk about it.

quote:

"I'm not lying." Breanna said. "But it seems that you've been into some mischief I should ask you about also."

"Oh, no!" Ted said. "Only one question."

"The first one," Monica agreed.

"I'll ask the second one," Pia said. She had never thought of having children herself, but was becoming intrigued.

Ted explains that he has a quarter soul - half of Metria's. And Monica has a half soul - half of Nada Naga's. We also get D. Vore mentioned. (Pun Count: 55) Pia asks why the kids are feeling guilty. They say they found something, but won't say what.

quote:

"That could be anything from a stink horn to a basilisk,." Breanna muttered.

"What's a stink horn?" Pia asked.

(Pun Count: 55) Monica reveals the thing - a locket. Monica says there's nothing bad inside, but doesn't want to tell what it is, because they won't let her keep it. They promise to do so, and she explains that the locket can hold anything - you just have to put it in or wish it in, and then you can wish it out as you like. Ted arrives with a stink horn, which they put in the locket. The kids wander off, and Breanna asks about Pia's marriage.

quote:

"I said we are associates," Pia agreed. "Because our marriage is rocky, and we want to get the feel of separation, in case we want to divorce."

"Divorce! I haven't heard that word since�since I left Mundania. It doesn't happen in Xanth."

"Oh? What do couples do when they don't get along?"

"But they do get along. I think there's magic. When I marry Justin. it will be for ever and ever until we fade out."

"How can you be sure of that? I understand he's somewhat older than you. Maybe his interests are different."

"He's about eighty three years older than me," Breanna agreed. "He's from another time, and he knows all about trees and everything else I never heard of. And he's diffident to the point of aggravation. But I love him. That's all that counts."

"That's not all that counts " Then, recalling that this sounded argumentative, she added, "In Mundania."

"Maybe that's the problem�in Mundania. If you lived in Xanth you'd never break up."

"Even when the love is gone?"

"It doesn't go. It doesn't matter how different you are, once you love, you stay that way. If you're married."

Pia is pretty sure it won't work that way for her.

quote:

Breanna shook her head. "That's weird. I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone but Justin. My only problem is I can't make it with him already."

"You can't�?"

"Technically I'm under the Age of Consent, so I'm not supposed to know what's in the Adult Conspiracy. But I came from Mundania, and I already knew that stuff before I came to Xanth. So I don't think it should apply."

"You're sixteen," Pia said. "That's old enough."

"That's what I figure. But Justin is of the old school."

Pia mentions that she was 15 when she hosed Edsel, and she hosed him a lot. However, she thinks she went too fast and was too young. She thinks maybe there's some reason for the Adult Conspiracy.

quote:

The girl pondered a moment. "When you were fifteen�if you had honored the Conspiracy�would you be happy with him now?"

"Good question. I suspect things would be much the same, assuming we were married."

"So what would you have gained, honoring the Conspiracy?"

In was Pia's turn to ponder. "Nothing," she concluded. "And lost a lot of early fun."

Pia thinks Breanna should gently caress Justin, but of course he'll only kiss, and only face to face. Pia suggests she do more.

quote:

"I'll bet the Adult Conspiracy offers a bit of leeway in the in-between age. Why don't you try it and see?"

"But what exactly�if he won't�"

Pia realized that for all her professed knowledge, the girl had been stifled in Xanth, and lacked actual experience She had the concept with out the practical mechanics "Don't ask him, silly. Just do it."

"Do it?"

"Get him alone. Maybe tonight. Take off your shirt. Hold his hand."

"Hold his hand?"

"Like so " Pia glanced around to make sure they were unobserved, then took Breanna's hand and put it against Pia's clothed breast.

Breanna loves the idea. They wander past a tangel tree, and Justin warns them not to go too close, demonstrating by tossing a stick at the tree. The tree is disgusted, since wood is cannibalism.

quote:

"You were a tangle tree?" Pia asked, horrified.

"No, merely an ordinary tree." he said "Sunlight and soil sufficed. Until I met Breanna. But the birds and the bees kept me informed of the appetites of other tree species."

"I don't think the birds and the bees informed you enough about flesh folk," Breanna said.

Justin looked uneasy. "Perhaps in two years�"

(Pun Count: 56) They head past a dragon's lair, and the dragon tries to scare them off the path, but they head past safely. They decide to make camp and visit some centaurs tomorrow. Pia is enjoying her trip. They find the campsite is a set of nests. Pia is shocked, but decides to try it.

quote:

Pia shrugged and followed. The ladder was flexible but firm. She was conscious of the two men standing below as she reached head height, but knew she had pretty good legs, so didn't worry about it. When she got to the rim of the nest, she heaved herself over, lost her grip, and tumbled into the center of the nest.

Breanna explains how panties work in Xanth to Pia, who doesn't buy it. Breanna demonstrates by flashing the men, who freak out.

quote:

The two children were giggling. "That's showing 'em, Blackwave girl!" Ted cried naughtily. "Black is the color of my true love's�"

The girl jammed a hand over his mouth before he could say a naughty word. "Wait till we get older, and I'll be able to do that," Monica said, seeming slightly jealous.

She's six!

quote:

"And I'll be able to freak out," Ted agreed.

He's six! The menfolk recover, and they set up camp.

quote:

"What happens if a man sees a woman naked?"

"Nothing special. Oh. he's interested, for sure, but he doesn't freak out. I mean, nymphs go naked all the time, and nobody thinks anything of it. It's just certain items of clothing that make the difference."

They climbed down the ladder and touched ground. "Is this logical?" Pia inquired.

"What's logic got to do with sex or magic?"

Vore shows up and picks up the kids. He also hits on Pia.

quote:

"She's Pia Mundane," Breanna said. "I mean Putz Does Nada know you're flirting with visitors?"

"I'm not flirting," Vore said quickly. "I'm eating."

"Eating?" Pia asked.

"Devouring her with my eyes," he explained.

And Pia finally realizes what his name means. Vore finds the kids.

quote:

They dumped the blankets in two nests. Meanwhile Vore had taken away the children, and Justin and Edsel had harvested four pies from a pie tree. They sat down on large toadstools by a glassy table.

"Don't tell me, let me guess," Pia said, observing the way the table shimmered "It's a water table "

(Pun Count: 58)

quote:

"Of course," Breanna agreed. "And here's some milk." She set down several milkweed pods.

(Pun Count: 59)

quote:

Breanna had chocolate milk "I wouldn't want my color to fade," she explained.

That reminded Pia of something awkward. "I gather there isn't racism in Xanth." Dug and Kim are happy to help.

"Not as such. But there is prejudice. For example nobody much wants to associate with zombies."

"I should think not," Pia agreed.

"But they should, Zombies are people too, and they serve Xanth well. If you're ever in trouble, and you see a zombie, ask it for help. They're kind hearted. Their hearts are rotten, of course, but soft."

Breanna convinces Justin to share a bed with her to keep her warm.

quote:

They finished their meal as dusk closed. Then they went to their nests "You know, poor Justin really likes that girl," Edsel said as they settled down. "He told me that it's all he can do to keep his hands off her. But she's too young, so he stays clear."

"Sixteen is old enough."

"I know that. You know that. But he doesn�t know that. He thinks a girl's not a woman until she's eighteen."

"It's the Adult Conspiracy. But I don't think it's quite right. I told her how to try to bend it."

Edsel asks Pia for sex, but she refuses. She doesn't feel like it.

quote:

He lay back, disappointed Edsel had his faults, but he was a gentleman about sex. There was silence.

Then Justin's amazed voice carried across the nests. "Breanna! What are you doing?"

"Just holding hands, dear."

"Breanna!" He sounded shocked. "You�"

"Shut up and kiss me, handsome. Or shall I hold both your hands, like this?" After that the sounds muffled out.

Pia turned toward Edsel "Now I feel like it."

He moved over immediately. "Exactly what did you tell her?" he whispered.

"Just how to hold hands."

"That's all?"

"Like this." She demonstrated with his hand.

"He's done for," he agreed appreciatively. "This is just like the old days."

"For sure," she agreed, imitating Breanna "But remember, we're still officially estranged."

"Tomorrow," he agreed.

Pun Count: 59 by the end of Chapter 2.

# ? Mar 10, 2014 18:49

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Mors Rattus posted:

Breanna had chocolate milk. "I wouldn't want my color to fade," she explained.

Good weeping Jesus.

I was thinking ... hoping, really ... that Anthony's constant reminders that Breanna is black (did you know she's black? 'Cause she is -- black, I mean! Blackity black black!) was a way of patting himself on the back and making sure we all see how enlightened he is to include a black character in his books. But now I can't make up my mind what's more infantile, his views on sex or his views on race.

# ? Mar 10, 2014 19:53

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

Selachian posted:

But now I can't make up my mind what's more infantile, his views on sex or his views on race.

Wait until Breanna is of age! Best of both worlds.

Pia being healed of everything except diabetes is so loving arbitrary and stupid.

# ? Mar 11, 2014 00:04

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 3. We join Chlorine, who is nervous because Nimby will not have his vast magic power in Mundania, and they have to be careful to keep E(A/R)th from realizing. She begged him not to, but Nimby insisted, and what Nimby wants, Chlorine does. She and Nimby follow Kim.

quote:

"Got it," the Mundane woman Kim called back. Then they turned forward, and walked down the hall to the O-Xone Interface exit. They passed though that�and Chlorine found herself sitting on a chair, with her hands on a funny kind of board with a number of marked little squares staring at a screen resembling Com Pewter's. Her hands looked wrong, until she reminded herself that she was no longer in her own body. She was now a Mundane, among Mundanes. She hoped she survived the experience.

(Pun Count: 60) Chlorine briefly gets confused at being called Pia, but realizes that she has to pretend to be Pia because Earth is clearly watching the internet and will notice if they call her Chlorine.

quote:

But Nimby was in another room, and she had to be sure he was all right. She got up and found her way out the open door to the adjacent chamber. There was Edsel, sitting somewhat blankly before his own screen. "Nimby." she murmured. "It's Chlorine."

He turned to look at her, nodding. He almost never spoke to others. He could speak, and elegantly, but this required him to focus on minutia, and he preferred not to bother. That was why she had to speak a lot, for both of them. But that was all right; it made her feel important.

"Nimby, remember, we have to be anonymous, here in Mundania. So we must answer to the bodies we are in. You are Edsel, and I am Pia. Our Companions arrived in another house, and will join us soon. All right?"

He nodded. She found it half a smidgen weird to be calling this stranger Nimby, but no weirder that it had been to see him change from dragon to manform the first time.

She sat in his lap and kissed him. "I love you, Nimby. But from now on I will call you Ed or Edsel. Until we are back m Xanth. And I won't mention Xanth, because that might give us away. We are Ed and Pia outside, but inside we are ourselves." He knew all this, of course, but it helped her to express it, making sure there was no misunderstanding.

Literally the epitome of explaining things people already know. They start poking around the house, and Kim and Dug drive up in a car. We get standard introductions and learn that because of the method used, Chlorine and Nimby can speak English. Kim takes Chlorine to the bathroom to explain things. (Dug will help Nimby later.)

quote:

They re-entered the bathroom, and Kim closed the door. "Now this is the sink. You wash your hands here, or a pair of socks, or whatever. Same as in Xanth. Turn this tap for cold water, and this one for hot." She demonstrated. Sure enough, soon cold water was streaming from one nozzle, and hot water from the other.

Who the hell washes clothes in the bathroom sink? I guess they must not own a washing machine.

quote:

"I thought you didn't have magic in Mundania." Chlorine said, impressed.

"We don't. But we have technology. Sometimes it's almost as good. In Xanth you just use spells to heat the water; here we use electricity." Kim went to the big metallic depression "This is the bathtub. Its taps work the same way. You run the water first, and mix it, so you don't burn or freeze. I'll help you set it up, the first time."

"But why bother?"

"Because you can't use a self-cleaning spell in Mundania. You have to take a bath or shower or equivalent."

"Thank you." Chlorine understood the principle of a bath, though she preferred to swim in a magic cleansing pool.

"This is the tough one," Kim said, going to the funny ceramic object that looked vaguely like a chair. She lifted the wooden seat, and lo, there was a basin below, half filled with clear water. "This is the toilet. It's like the hole of an outhouse. You sit on it and urinate or defecate."

"Into clean water?" Chloiine asked, horrified.

"Mundania is barbaric in some respects." Kim said, smiling. "No illusion to cover the sight or smell. Then when you are done, you turn this handle." She turned it.

We get an explanation of plumbing, and they leave. Dug and Nimby head up, and in the meantime, Kim explains food. Chlorine tells her that Nimby wants to see Mundania.

quote:

"We can show you. But I think it's best to start simple. There may be pitfalls, just as there are in Xanth." Kim paused. "Outside, I'll just say 'the other place.' You understand."

"Yes."

"We'll take you window-shopping at the mall, and maybe see a movie. I think that will be enough outside experience for today."

"We must purchase windows at a mill?"

(Pun Count: 62) Kim explains cars to Chlorine, and they head off.

quote:

They came to a plain where many of the boxes sat. They found a spot and sat also. They got out, leaving the car behind. "But won't it wander away?" Chlorine asked,

"No. It's a machine, and here in Mundania machines do only what they are told. It will wait here for us." Kim patted the Neptune on the nose. "It wouldn't want to leave us anyway; we get along well."

Nimby and Chlorine are shocked to find that the mall has plants and a fountain inside it. They start looking around.

quote:

They walked along the hallway, whose sides were filled with doors and big windows. In each window was a display of things. They looked. This was window-shopping, it turned out: looking without taking. The first window had shoes.

"But why don't they leave them on the shoe trees until someone needs them?" Chlorine asked.

(Pun Count: 63) Chlorine finds the concept of 'making things' to be confusing.

quote:

They came to a window with pictures of cold confection. "Eye scream!" Chlorine said.

(Pun Count: 64) They get some ice cream, and Chlorine decides they should have it at their next meal.

quote:

They came to another type of opening. This one had a line of people passing a booth and giving money to a girl locked in the booth "She is under an enchantment?" Chlorine asked. "Doomed to stay there until a witch lets her out or a handsome dragon-prince rescues her?"

"Not exactly. This is a theater. This is where they show movies."

"They show moves? Like dancing?"

Dug laughed. "I think we'd better let them see the movie. This one is a returning classic: Stony Scary Painting Tale. I'd love to see it again. We're just in time to catch the matinee."

(Pun Count: 66) Dug is a big Rocky Horror fan.

quote:

"So this will be the eleventh. It gets better with each repetition."

"It moves better with practice?" Chlorine asked.

"In its fashion," Dug agreed. He walked to the girl in the booth and gave her money, and she gave him four little pieces of paper. Then the four of them walked into the theater. A young man took Dug's four papers, tore them in half, and gave him back four halves. Chlorine took it on faith that this wanton destruction of what had been pretty papers made sense on some Mundane level.

They start watching. Kim tells Chlorine to ignore the previews.

quote:

There were other frightening, odd, or incomprehensible "preview" pictures. One featured a villain hauling the hero high with a pulley, so that he dangled over a cauldron of acid. Nimby seemed fascinated by this too. "That's a geared block and tackle." Dug said helpfully. "It multiplies the pull. See, the villain can work it with one hand, lifting the hero's whole weight. Leverage is great stuff." Nimby nodded, making a mental note. Chlorine thought it was the physics rather than the story that intrigued him. But she wasn't sure. Nimby was interested in everything, and he had an inhuman capacity for assimilating new information.

Then print appeared on the screen. "Now the movie is starting," Kim said. "There are the credits."

Then the screen was filled with storm and rain, as a couple rode in their wheeled box�their car�through evidently unfamiliar terrain. They had to take shelter in a private mansion run by a Doctor Sam Sausage. After that things became more conventional, and Chlorine began to enjoy the story. Others in the theater talked to the screen, and helped things happen in response to their urgings. It surely would have been a lesser story if they had not been acting to enhance it. Chlorine liked their attitude. She made a mental note to try one of the dance steps it so carefully diagrammed. It was just a jump to the left, and other stylized motions, such as placing the hands on the hips. Very nice. She was glad they had seen this.

(Pun Count: 67) It's amazing how someone obsessed with puns can look at Rocky Horror and then change a name so that the pun stops working. They head back, and Dug teaches Nimby how to drive. They show off the TV, and Chlorine becomes woozy. They realize that they forgot about Pia's diabetes, and that she should have taken some insulin by now. Dug goes to help, since he helped Pia back when she first got diagnosed.

quote:

"Then I'd better. I used to help her, way back when she first was diagnosed and was learning the dosages and technique." He grabbed for Pia's purse and rummaged in it for something. Then he approached Chlorine. "Your body has a problem. A shot will take care of it. I'm going to have to get rather personal, but this is something you need to have and to know how to do. Lift up your skirt."

"Lift?" she asked vaguely. This was not the kind of thing a man often asked a woman to do in company. But Nimby, who understood that she now had the same problem he had given her Xanth body, nodded. He knew she needed immediate help.

Kim reached across and pulled Chlorine's skirt up high, revealing her panties. Both Dug and Nimby saw, but neither freaked out. This was Mundania, Chlorine remembered, where things didn't work as they should.

"Ed, you need to know this too." Dug said. "Her medicine is in this ampoule." He was doing something with a needle. "She takes it in the high thigh, where it doesn't ordinarily show. This much, injected this way." He brought the needle down. "Pia, don't move. I'm sorry I'll be clumsy, so there will be some pain, but it must be done. You must trust me."

Dug sticks her, Chlorine jumps, and we get this done. Chlorine starts feeling better. They explain the schedule she has to follow for insulin, and start watching TV. They decide to wait until tomorrow for the motorcycle.

quote:

Nimby perked up. Kim laughed. "Yes, like the ones in the movie preview, only nobody in real life ever rides them like that."

"Ed would have a fit if his Lemon were treated that way," Dug said. "He loves that machine beyond all else."

"What, beyond Pia?" Chlorine asked.

Dug and Kim exchanged a glance. "You might as well know," Dug said. "Ed and Pia are not getting along well. So yes, he may value the Lemon beyond her."

"Their visit to Xanth is to give them a break from routine life, so as maybe to get a new slant on their relationship," Kim said. "We hope it works out."

"They're good friends and good people," Dug said. "Just not wholly compatible."

"Xanth has a way of making things work out," Chlorine said. "Especially romantically."

Because it's run by someone who hates the idea of leaving people unmarried, yes. Kim and Dug head home. Nimby and Chlorine clean up.

quote:

They went upstairs and used the bathroom facilities. It was worse for Nimby than for Chlorine, because as a Demon he had not had natural functions, and in manform he had simply used magic to abate those he didn't care for. Now he had no way to escape them. She had to help him with the details. Fortunately, as a Demon, he also lacked a sense of privacy. She did not say so, but she rather liked having him dependent on her for help for a change. He would need help only once, in anything, but there would be a number of things to learn.

And then they gently caress.

quote:

"Well, I'm tired and overloaded by new experience," she said. "But I've never made love without magic, and never in someone else's body, and never to a Mundane man. That's three to two in favor of doing it now. So let's do it."

So they did it. It was surprisingly clumsy and somewhat messy. But Chlorine didn't mind. She had wondered whether things would be as good without magic, and now she knew: they were not. She wondered why Mundanes even bothered to signal storks. But this also meant she would really appreciate it when they returned to Xanth. Now she had a basis for comparison.

"Are you sorry?" she asked him as they relaxed for sleep.

He squeezed her hand in negation. She appreciated that too. For all its negatives, this experience was like a honeymoon.

Pun Count: 66 by the end of Chapter 3.

# ? Mar 11, 2014 02:51

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

Why can Xanth still not talk?

# ? Mar 11, 2014 04:44

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Dienes posted:

Wait until Breanna is of age! Best of both worlds.

What do you mean, wait until she's of age? Piers Anthony, remember?

# ? Mar 11, 2014 05:01

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Fantasy characters who don't understand cars, much less believe that cars are living things, is one of my biggest drat pet peeves in the world. Because in fantasy worlds we evidently don't have objects that carry other objects like carts or wagons or ships! Sadly, Anthony is hardly the only writer who does this.

He is the only one who pulls this sort of contrived shite, though:

quote:

"Because you can't use a self-cleaning spell in Mundania. You have to take a bath or shower or equivalent."

"Thank you." Chlorine understood the principle of a bath, though she preferred to swim in a magic cleansing pool.

Do you just mean...a pool? How is that not the same exact thing? I mean I know it's a tad more abstruse than that, but only in Xanth would you be lazy enough to have magical water that does the same thing that regular water does. Next you'll tell us that y'all have magic fireplaces that keep you warm.
:psyduck:

# ? Mar 11, 2014 09:27

Canuck-Errant: Oct 28, 2003; MOOD: BURNING - MUSIC: DISCO INFERNO BY THE TRAMMPS; Grimey Drawer

Dienes posted:

Does Breanna ever reference her ethnicity in a way that isn't related to illness, evil, etc?

Well you see, Piers Anthony wanted to put a well-rounded black character in his novel.

Unfortunately, 'well-rounded' was interpreted as an innuendo, and

# ? Mar 13, 2014 15:31

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 4. Edsel wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to take a leak. He ponders Pia.

quote:

Because though his passion had faded somewhat in their years of marriage, he still did love her. She could be selfish and difficult and cutting, but she could also be wonderful. Tonight had been an example. She knew exactly how to please him, and she was matchless when she tried.

As Edsel emerges from the outhouse, he hears Breanna calling from off the path. He heads over and spots her, and she warns him that he must leave, beause danger is coming by sunrise. He asks about leaving Pia and Justin, and she tells him that Justin is finding a safe place and he should get Pia. Edsel remains weirded out, but Breanna is sure, so he goes and gets Pia. At first she thinks he wants to gently caress again, but she soon comes after. The two of them, tired and woozy, head off down a side path. Pia asks Breanna how the hand-holding went. When Breanna doesn't get the question or the concept of 'petting', Edsel and Pia realize something is wrong. They check, and it seems Breanna is illusion - a trick. They try to head back, but the path they took is gone behind them. They decide to play along for now, until Breanna and Justin can find them. They are led down the path for hours, until they spot something.

quote:

Edsel looked. A jagged line was forming in the sky. It widened and lengthened, and light spilled out. One end was overhead; the other was touching the horizon.

"The crack of dawn!" he exclaimed, catching on.

(Pun Count: 67) Their path fades, and ahead of them they can spot a dark castle, a stream and a boat. They decide to borrow the boat and flee after leaving a marker to remember where to return the boat to. They head downstream, coming to a lake, where htey find an island. They wonder about why they were tricked, and why all the illusion vanished at dawn. They believe it might be vampires. Edsel is surprised that Pia is mocking him for making the mistake. They circle the island, then land at the beach so Pia can take her insulin.

quote:

Pia stepped out first. He caught a glimpse of her high thigh as she lifted her leg, but didn't say anything. He still liked such views, though her legs were thicker than they had been. As her foot touched the sand, she paused, then completed her motion. Then he got out�and felt something like a mild electric shock as his shoe landed.

They're not sure what it is that causes that.

quote:

There was a cluster of what looked like stalks of straw sticking out of the ground. Edsel had a notion, so he picked one and bit on the end. Sure enough; it was a strawberry. "We have breakfast," he announced.

(Pun Count: 68) Edsel tries to use his talent, but can't. Pia realizes that they're where she saw them the day before.

quote:

"But that makes sense," he said. "You couldn't change that view� because it wasn't anything you were doing then that affected it. It was the spook in the night. If we'd said no to it, that would have changed our future."

She emerged from the brush. "That's right! Sometimes you remind me what I saw in you."

His cleverness in figuring things out, at least if they resembled computer programming in any way. His mind worked in flow charts, this leading to that, that leading to the other, and the whole process leading to a feasible process of software. "But I was a bit late figuring this one out." he said ruefully.

Pia finds that she, too, has lost her talent. Edsel suspects the island steals them. Pia heads to bed for a while and Edsel keeps watch. He gets bored and examines a cloud. He finds that he can reshape it with his mind. He hopes Pia got a more useful talent to replace hers than he did.

quote:

Meanwhile, he pondered the likely rules of changes of talents. If the exchange happened when a person first touched the island, which seemed likely considering that slight shock they had felt, would it do it again if a person left the island and returned? That seemed likely, because the island couldn't be presumed to be intelligent. It just had this property of switching talents with whoever touched it.

And if the first time switched out his original talent, would a second time bring it back? Well, there was a way to find out.

Edsel got up and went to the boat. He pushed it into the water, then stepped carefully into it. He paddled it out a few strokes, then reversed and came back in. Was that far enough?

He brought it close, and stepped back onto the beach. And felt the shock. So he was right about that much.

He can no longer shape clouds, but he didn't get his old talent back, either. He leans on a tree and somehow pushes it into the ground. He finds he can push things downwards, but not pull them up. He apologizes to the tree. He gets back in the boat and gets out, swapping talents.

quote:

His mind scanned the scene and the universe. No notion of a talent came to him. He tried guessing and got nowhere. Could he stir up a dust devil in the sand? No Could he turn the sun green? No. Could he conjure a mint plant? No. Could he make the sand slippery? No. Could he make a protective shield around himself? No. Could he become a super vacuum cleaner that sucked up everything? No, and he was getting a bit crazy.

Suppose his new talent was something really specialized, that couldn't be tested here and now? Like making the evil cloud Fracto assume human form and walk on the ground? In that case he would not be able to identify it now. So he might as well assume that it was not of that type, and keep looking.

Could his talent apply to his mental ability, such as having a photographic memory? That would be great! But when he tried to remember what the scenery was like behind him, without looking, he couldn't. So that wasn't it.

Finally he gave it up. He didn't know what his new talent was. so he couldn't use it, so it was useless to him. So he would just fetch another talent.[/uote]

Edsel heads out for the boat, but pushes it too far. He finds he can walk on the water's surface, and decides he wants to keep this one...but when he catches the boat and gets back on the island, he finds that he loses it already. Walking on water counted as leaving. Pia wakes up at this point and asks him what he's doing. Edsel explains.

[quote]She was interested. "I can learn my talent by just relaxing and checking what occurs to me?"

"Maybe. It worked for me. more or less."

"Breanna told me about twins she knew named More and Less. Mor-ton and Lester, actually. They have a joint talent to turn into humanoid crossbreeds, more or less human."

(Pun Count: 69)

quote:

"No need to egg me on." She experimented. Nothing happened. "I can't think of anything." she said, gesturing with the blue egg in her hand.

(Pun Count: 70) Pia has no idea where the egg came from, and they realize she must have conjured it up. She can't conjure anything else, though - just eggs. She gets into the boat, then out of it. She finds that her new power is walking on air...but when she touches back down to the ground, she loses it. We also learn that this is the Isle of Talents, from the narration, which just starts calling it that. They find a sign telling them to talk to the Teller if they are confused, and find a small disk nearby. It tells them that it is the teller, and it announces talents.

quote:

Edsel glanced at Pia "This could be useful." Then he addressed the teller again. "What's my talent?"

There was a tingle in the hand holding the disk. "To turn things transparent, so that only their ideas show."

Pia's, meanwhile, is to become what is needed, while it's needed, when she knows what's needed. She also thinks this is too convenient. They put the teller back.

quote:

"I don't think I like becoming what is needed," Pia said "That might be a meal for a dragon."

"Or a sex object for an ardent man."

She had the grace to laugh "That's not a talent. That's the state of being female."

They realize they may need the teller if they want to change talents. They decide to keep it until they find ones they want, then leave it behind. Edsel tests his talent, finding that the wooden pedestal becomes transparent and contains the image of a tree. Pia asks the teller, and finds her new talent is noise amplification. She jumps, and now it is making paintains come to life. She hands off the Teller, which tells Edsel his new talent is waxing the moon's green cheese. (Pun Count: 71)

quote:

Edsel laughed, then realized that the teller was serious. In Xanth, the moon really did have green cheese on the side facing the ground. On the side facing away, he understood, it was milk and honey, because that was not polluted by the sights it saw. Thus a honeymoon was by definition to the far side.

(Pun Count: 70) He jumps, andn ow his talent is returning things to their original state. He asks where it came from, and apparently from a boy named Reubren who once visited the island. Edsel pockets the teller and they head for the boat. They decide to return it now and find Justin and Breanna. This is when Edsel realizes that he kept the teller - and now, it's too late to go back if they want to keep their talents. They try to find their way back to the camp, and Pia decides to test her talent, drawing a crude rabbit in the dirt and bringing it to life. Edsel then returns it to its natural state. Pia tries to return it to life, but can't. Neither of their talents seem to work. The teller claims Edsel's power is summoning birds. He summons one...and a roc appears in the sky.

quote:

It settled down, rocked a few times, and tucked its head under one wing. Now it most resembled a boulder, twelve feet high.

"It's a roc," Edsel said, catching on. "I summoned a roc!"

"A pet roc," she agreed, recovering.

(Pun Count: 72) Pia's tallent is making things thicker or thinner. She makes a tree thinner, but can't thicken it - their talents appear to work only once.

quote:

"I guess the rule is different, off the island. But I don't like this. We can't ever be sure of our talents. If we didn't have the teller, we'd be mostly confused."

Edsel and Pia decide to check the teller at the same time. It gives one answer: making a wish come true. They have no idea whose talent it is, so decide to both silently make a wish. Edsel wishes for his motorcycle, which appears. Pia, meanwhile, has wished for her sixteen-year-old figure back.

quote:

They had both gotten their wishes. Belatedly, he realized what that meant. "You could have wished we'd find our Companions."

Her eye caught the Lemon. "And you could have wished for something useful."

"I did wish for something useful! We can ride the bike instead of walking."

"On what highway?"

He studied the landscape with new misgiving. It was bumpy and clogged with brush. They could walk through it, but the motorcycle would be constantly balked. "Maybe there's a clearer area ahead," he said lamely.

"And maybe a gas station?"

Fuel! How would he fill the tank? He hadn't been thinking sensibly at all. Still, Pia had wasted her wish too. He was about to say something cutting, but looked again at her figure, and stifled it. She was stunning.

Edsel turns the motor off and leads the bike. Edsel now gets the talent of bringing statues to life, and carves a stick into a crude human figure so he can. It runs off. Pia has the power of glaring daggers. She shoots one at Edsel, using it up. (Pun Count: 73) Edsel now has the power of controlling emotions. He makes Pia happy.

quote:

"You fool," she laughed happily. "You just wasted another talent you should have saved for a mean monster."

Pia gets the talent of summoning a friend, and she summons Breanna, who appears nearby. She and Justin have been hunting for a while. Pia explains that she got her figure back, and Edsel shows off his bike.

quote:

"I must say I never saw a lemon or any other fruit like that."

"That's its brand name."

"It was branded?"

(Pun Count: 74) They get back to the safe path and pull out an ear - a literal ear - to connect with Passion, and thus Chlorine. They check in and are done. They explain what happened, and Justin, it seems, knows of the Isle of Talents, though not its location. He says it shouldn't keep happening, however. They pull out the teller, which Justin recognizes as a demon. It is responsible for changing out talents here. If they get rid of it, they should get their original talents back from...well, when they last changed talents out on the island, I guess? They try to throw it away, but it sticks to their hands or flies back no matter what they do. It can only be given to someone else. They rea`lize they'll have to head back to the Isle of Talents to leave it on its pedestal. They also mention the castle, which only eixsted at night. Edsel runs through talents until he gets the power to find the best route to things.

quote:

"That isn't right," Justin said "You did not define the boat."

"Any boat will do, dear." Breanna said.

"Not the Censor Ship."

"For sure," she agreed "But he's already invoked it, so we'll just have to see."

(Pun Count: 75) They find the duck-footed boat Para from last book. (Pun Count: 76) It is held captive by a tangle tree. They offer to trade the Lemon for the boat. Para agrees to serve as transport, but the tree thinks they've betrayed it - it thought they were offering Pia, who was sitting on the Lemon.

quote:

"But I'm not about to be going to go get gobbled by that monster," Pia protested.

"Then it appears we are reneging on the understanding," Justin said. "That is not good policy."

Edsel suggests that Pia run through talents to find something useful to protect her. Her current one is hearing close things. Then to be ineffably charming.

quote:

"That won't help me either! I�"

"Wait," Justin said. "It might after all help. If your talent is to be charming beyond the capacity of mere words to express, perhaps you could charm the tree into accepting the machine."

Pia considered. "Would I have to get within its reach?"

"I regret that you probably would, as the full measure of your charm is incapable of being verbalized."

"No, she could just let it look at her," Breanna said. "That's not words."

"Perhaps so," Justin agreed doubtfully.

"Well, I'll try it," Pia said, just as dubious. She stepped close to Edsel and the Lemon, and struck a pose. It was a charming pose. "Tangler," she said dulcetly. "May I call you that? I was just the decoration for the motorcycle, not the offering. It was a misunderstanding. But you know, that machine is as useful to you as the quack footed boat. I mean. you can't eat either one. But there's nothing else in Xanth like the Lemon, so maybe it would be a tourist attraction or something. So maybe it's a fair deal after all. Doesn't that make sense to you?" She smiled winningly.

Edsel stared. Pia had always been able to turn on the charm, when she wanted to, but this was moreso than she had ever been before. It wasn't just that she was lovely, in her sixteen year old perfect body. There was an intangible aura about her that made her ultimately winsome and sweet. Justin and Breanna felt it too; he could see them watching as avidly as he was. The magic was truly working. She could charm tears from a stone.

The tangle tree was feeling it as well; its tentacles were quivering their tips curling and uncurling.

"And such a big, strong, handsome tree as you can surely afford to be generous." Pia continued. She adjusted her pose to show more thigh. Edsel wasn't sure that was smart, as it might just make the tree hungry. but he didn't dare interfere. "You wouldn't want to gobble up poor little me, would you?" The tentacles twisted in denial; how could they do that awful thing? "Because I know that deep down inside your vegetable heart you're really a nice creature." She stepped forward and took hold of the end of a tentacle. "Won't you make the deal, and take the Lemon, and let me leave with my sincere appreciation?" She lifted the tentacle to her face and kissed it.

The tree takes the deal and the bike, and they leave.

Pun Count: 75 by the end of Chapter 4.

# ? Mar 13, 2014 20:26

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

quote:

"I don't think I like becoming what is needed," Pia said "That might be a meal for a dragon."

"Or a sex object for an ardent man."

She had the grace to laugh "That's not a talent. That's the state of being female."

Thanks Pia/Piers, it's good to know you think women exist to be sex objects for men.

# ? Mar 13, 2014 20:36

Goat Bouillabaise: Sep 21, 2005; Strike Force DUMBASS!

I actually have the chance to be in an anthology including Piers Anthony among others. It'd be good for my career, but just the sheer loving creepiness of this man makes me wonder if it's worth it. Probably, but man, it gives me a serious case of the moral qualms, especially after learning about the existence his 'Firefly' novel.

# ? Mar 13, 2014 23:14

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Godspeed, brave one. Stare not into the abyss for it stares back.

Nihilarian posted:

Thanks Pia/Piers, it's good to know you think women exist to be sex objects for men.

Did Edsel literally just mention at the beginning of this chapter that the only reason he still loved Pia was for the sex?

# ? Mar 13, 2014 23:19

LordAba: Oct 22, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

I want to see the ultimate train wreck that would be a collaboration between Piers Anthony and Neil Gaiman.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 02:26

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Goat Bouillabaise posted:

I actually have the chance to be in an anthology including Piers Anthony among others. It'd be good for my career, but just the sheer loving creepiness of this man makes me wonder if it's worth it. Probably, but man, it gives me a serious case of the moral qualms, especially after learning about the existence his 'Firefly' novel.

I wouldn't worry about it, just go for it.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 03:34

Canuck-Errant: Oct 28, 2003; MOOD: BURNING - MUSIC: DISCO INFERNO BY THE TRAMMPS; Grimey Drawer

LordAba posted:

I want to see the ultimate train wreck that would be a collaboration between Piers Anthony and Neil Gaiman.

Amanda Palmer and Piers Anthony would be more interesting to watch.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 06:09

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Mercedes Lackey and Piers Anthony went in on a book together in the early 90s. It had excessively florid romantic scenes from her, creepy rape society tangents from him, and whiny protagonist-centered morality from both. They came out of it hating each other's guts. :allears:

# ? Mar 14, 2014 07:38

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

That warms the cockles of my heart-like organ.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 08:26

Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

Alopex posted:

Mercedes Lackey and Piers Anthony went in on a book together in the early 90s. It had excessively florid romantic scenes from her, creepy rape society tangents from him, and whiny protagonist-centered morality from both. They came out of it hating each other's guts.

And considering the rule of thumb with Mercedes Lackey: Books where she has collaborators tend to be far better then her solo works... this might turn out interesting.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 08:29

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Robindaybird posted:

And considering the rule of thumb with Mercedes Lackey: Books where she has collaborators tend to be far better then her solo works... this might turn out interesting.

She has her faults but I don't think she's ever had any of her male leads plan to brutally beat, rape, and then murder a sixteen year old girl in loving detail, and Anthony's definitely the one responsible for alternately mentioning how silly and childish the heroine is in between descriptions of her giant breasts. The one point in his favor is that he's loving awful at writing conflict and likes to gloss over it whenever possible so at least he doesn't pour giant heaps of melodrama and angst over everything. (Un)fortunately, this is Lackey's specialty as a writer. You'd think they'd balance each other out on that front but boy oh boy do they ever not.

In conclusion, If I Pay Thee Not In Gold is completely :magical:

from start to finish. Read it if you're suffering from a spate of extreme masochism.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 17:32

gegi: Aug 3, 2004; Butterfly Girl

Alopex posted:

In conclusion, If I Pay Thee Not In Gold is completely from start to finish. Read it if you're suffering from a spate of extreme masochism.

I'll give it this much - it was a lot more readable than these Xanth books are turning into.

There were at least elements in there that could have been part of an interesting book, before it all turned into a confused mess. As it is, what I can remember of it comes out fairly disjointed.

# ? Mar 14, 2014 18:49

Roadie: Jun 30, 2013

Thranguy posted:

He did this again a couple times, but by now he has reached the point where even Xanth isn't big enough to justify buying any of the other books. He does have big truckloads of money and has purchased his own Vanity press to get around that for a couple of books, though.

It's sort of funny how horrifyingly bad the covers of his new books are. They also seem to be all about either sex or (when he can) literally copy-pasting content from previous books or both.

Amazon review A posted:

It has way too much sex. In fact if I read more than a few pages without it I'd be shocked. Then there's vampires, King Arthur, Sir Gawain, a brothel, the love of her life is basically a carney, a relational database, Cain, Lilith, ghosts that have sex, traveling through time, Angel Gabriel, and a sex to the death match. No lie.

Amazon review B posted:

And I can't in good conscience let this review end without mentioning how abhorrent the sex in this book is. It's not lascivious. It's not sensual. It's not erotic. It's not romantic. It's not artistic. It's not emotionally charged. It's not well-rendered. It's not even efficient. It's the driest, lamest, LEAST sexy approach to mating that I have ever encountered in prose or elsewhere. Watching mange-ridden stray dogs going at it in an alley would be more exciting, poetic and meaningful.

Amazon review C posted:

All of this leads up to the ultimate test, where the Incarnations from one timeline agree to allow Nox to challenge her nemesis in a contest which will determine the ultimate fate of the universe. This test consists of seeing which combatant can rape the other according to a color code.

Amazon review D posted:

That said, the 8th volume seems to have limped into existence. Primarily obsessed with sex (no surprise from Piers, yet still more so than ever before), it essentially adds a tiny bit of detail and back story to the series while recapping the events, or at least the origins of the events, of the previous 7 books.

Amazon review posted:

If you are interested in reading about the sexual adventures of 9-year-old children, or even those as grown up as 13 years old, but are wary about venturing into the mysterious shops that specialize in those forms of literature, then this is the book for you. Cleaned up for mainstream publication, this magical adventure gives you an insightful look into the sex games of little kids, as well as an unnerving look into its author's mind.

The Iron Maiden doesn't have a Poser art cover (yet), but it does have a halfhearted Photoshopped cover and lots of copy-pasting.

Amazon review A posted:

If you have read the other five books, you will not find anything much new here. It is just a word for word, cut and paste synopsis of the first five tales, with a few things about Spirit that you could have surmised anyway. Funny thing that the book cover shows a pretty white girl with blonde hair, apparently the cover artist has not bothered to crack the book.

Amazon review B posted:

No real new material except a continuation of the author's explorations of juvenile incest which made me delete the book. Not worth any money even for fans of the series; no additional insights or side stories explored rather an attempt to do a cut and paste job to create a summary from the previous book. Even as blatant at times to not fix the tense/pronouns.

Amazon review C posted:

Almost the entirety of this book is taken directly (not even paraphrased, just whole paragraphs and pages word for word) out of the first 5 books. After the first 3, this series gets very blah, but this one was the worst. Absolute waste of money and time.

He's also put the awful Poser covers on reprints of old books.

Roadie fucked around with this message at 18:46 on Mar 19, 2014

# ? Mar 19, 2014 18:42

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

Haha those covers are the laziest things I've ever seen.

# ? Mar 19, 2014 19:48

Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

Well cripes. How the might have fallen.

Macroscape is the only decent looking cover because it's not trying to show a living creature.

# ? Mar 19, 2014 19:50

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 5. Pia is our viewpoint, and quite happy with how the tangle tree business turned out.

quote:

Pia turned back to wave at the tangle tree, and it actually waved a tentacle back. So it could see and understand, as many creatures and things of Xanth seemed to be able to do. She rather liked that; it was a considerable contrast to Mundania's perversity of the inanimate. She also liked having her beautiful body back, though she knew she would revert to normal when she returned home. Now if only she could get rid of the diabetes, and stay rid of it in the real world. But of course such fancies were foolish.

They head for the Isle of Talents in Para and talk about how the castle they saw the night before vanished.

quote:

"This perplexes me. Normally the dangers of Xanth are not subtle. If the phantasm wished you harm, it should have done it as soon as you were clear of the enchanted path. Why did it go to the considerable trouble of making a protected path of its own to bring you to an apparent castle?"

Breanna hits on Justin some.

quote:

They passed a small creature, like a squirrel, with pearly gray fur. perched on a bright spot of stone, its little chin held high. "That's so cute," Pia said. "I wonder if it would let me stroke it."

"Don't touch it!" Justin said, alarmed. "That's a chin-chilla."

"A chinchilla? Their fur is�"

"No. It feeds on chili powder, and cools whatever it touches. Sometimes greatly. See the ice around it?"

(Pun Count: 77)

quote:

Now she realized that the stone was actually ice. Just as well she hadn't touched the pretty creature. But they had already left it behind, and were coming up on another creature, that looked almost like a dog. But not quite. "What is that?"

"Laika," Justin replied. "Don't touch it either; they bite when afraid."

"Like a?"

"Yes, that's its nature: to be like a familiar creature, so that no one will hurt it."

(Pun Count: 78)

quote:

Then they passed a region of balls. Some were bobbing up and down, while others were bashing back and forth "The vertical ones are bowling balls." Justin explained. "They are very courteous. The horizontal ones are not nice at all; they are sock-her balls."

(Pun Count: 80)

quote:

Para Ducks was much faster than she and Edsel had been in the other boat, and soon they were at the isle. "Now how arc we going to handle this?" Pia asked.

(Pun Count: 81) Edsel and Pia get out while Breanna forces Justin to grope her some more. Edsel gets the power to modify or deflect other talents, while Pia can speak things real, though she has no idea what that means.

quote:

"What am I going to do�speak of a mountain of chocolate?" A mound appeared before them. It was a small mountain of chocolate. She reached out and broke off a piece to taste. It was delicious.

So that one's gone, now. She gets the power to put wings on anything. They decide to give that one up since they don't know if that means the thing can fly. (It does.) Finally, she gets the power to know if something is inimical, and keeps that one. They put the teller back on the pedestal and head back.

quote:

In due course they reached the rock. There was the boat a little way out. Justin and Breanna were sitting in it embracing. Actually she seemed to be sitting on his lap, and one of each of their hands was out of sight. "They ate making progress." Pia murmured.

"For sure." he agreed, smiling. "That little girl could hold my hand anytime."

"Oh?" Pia inquired dangerously.

"Look, Pia�you said we should be dating out. Of course I wouldn't touch Breanna, because she belongs to Justin. But someone else�" He shrugged.

He had a point. If they were going to divorce, they needed to be trying other relationships "Sorry. You're right. You can hold hands with someone else."

"How about a nude nymph?"

He was testing her. "If you can catch her, you can have her." She masked it. but he had succeeded in making her faintly uneasy. He had always been faithful to her, and it wasn't comfortable to give him leave to be otherwise.[/quote]

They head off.

quote:

Breanna took it. "I love chocolate, especially black chocolate." She broke off a section.

"She has a fondness for all things black," Justin remarked. He glanced at her. "So do I, now."

DID I MENTION SHE'S BLACK? They decide the chocolate counts as a meal. Because that's totally not a lovely meal. Pia tests out her talent on the nearby water, feeling a tingle just as a loan shark comes by to snap at her. (Pun Count: 82) They decide to hold off on Edsel's test. Justin suggests they find and explore the dark castle.

quote:

"The phantom who led the two of them astray did not try to hurt them. The path did not lead to a tangle tree or dragon's lair. This suggests that the intention was not necessarily inimical."

"And we can check inimical," Pia said, catching on.

"Yes. It might be that there is something of interest to us at the end of that path."

They get some pizza off a pie tree and eat it.

quote:

They paused and took a harvest break and rest stop. Pia, looking for suitable bushes, discovered a low wall or ledge, just the right height for sitting on. So on her return she sat on it�and suddenly all the knowledge in the world seemed to flood into her head. Alarmed, she jumped up and ran back to join the others. "Something�something�" she gasped.

Soon the others were looking at the wall. Justin sat cautiously on it. "Why this is a know-ledge," he said. "It provides much knowledge to anyone who applies his posterior."

(Pun Count: 83)

quote:

"A seat of learning," Edsel said.

(Pun Count: 84)

quote:

Meanwhile. Breanna was exploring the other end of the wall "There's a window in it," she called "It�OUCH!"

They ran to join her "That is a window pain." Justin said. "Made from bad tempered glass, probably shattered in its childhood. It hurts anyone who touches it."

(Pun Count: 86)

quote:

The boat got on the path and turned toward the castle. Soon the structure loomed large. It was on the top of a low hill, with a tiled stone avenue leading up to it. "Got to be illusion." Breanna decided. "Nothing solid could disappear so quickly."

"But why would anyone go to the trouble?" Pia asked.

"That's what makes us curious," Breanna said. "It's too much trouble just to gobble someone."

"Beware," Justin said. "Those tiles are gobble stones."

(Pun Count: 87)

quote:

Breanna looked around. "There's a snooping dinomite," she said. "Test it on that."

Pia looked. "I don't see anything but darkness."

"Oh. I forget�you can't see in blackness. Here. I'll lead you to it." Breanna jumped out of the boat.

"But just exactly what is a dinomite?"

"A reptile that blows up when annoyed. But don't worry; we won't annoy it. We're just checking your talent."

(Pun Count: 88) They head on, into the illusion castle.

quote:

"I see a thyme being," Justin said. "Perhaps it is just as well that it is illusion."

"Just what is a time being?" Pia asked.

"It is a creature who occupies a patch of thyme plants, and is immune to their temporal influence. People will come to leave offerings, in order to obtain the being's help with their problems of time. Sometimes they have too much, sometimes too little. The being can fix that."

(Pun Count: 90) They find a massive circular chamber underground, with steps leading into it. They decide to have two people remain behind - Edsel and Breanna head in, while Justin and Pia wait outside. Pia suggests the other way around, though, because of her talent, so they go for that instead. They explore and find an image of icy mountains.

quote:

She peered more closely. "There's something about this scene. I thought it was a painting, but it seems three dimensional. It must be a model rather than just paint. Like a museum exhibit."

"A museum?"

"That's a place where things are shown, often in naturalistic settings. So the people can see them without having to travel to the ends of the world. But what's a museum-type setting doing here under an illusion castle?"

It is illusory. They keep exploring and find another scene, with the mountain snow melted away. Pia finds she likes Justin's archaic mannerisms. The third scene they find shows a forest.

quote:

"What are those?" she asked, pointing to several grossly fat-trunked growths.

"Beerbarrel trees. Their trunks contain beer They are rather popular in some circles."

"You mean people get drunk in Xanth?" she asked, surprised.

"Some do. I confess I do not understand what they see in such activity."

"You never drink?"

"I drink water, of course. Or one of the myriad flavors of soda from Lake Tsoda Pop. Or milk, or boot rear, or similar. But I would not care for an intoxicant."

(Pun Count: 92) Sex? A-OK. Drinking? Terrible.

quote:

"Me neither." she said. Actually she had had her flings, back when she had really been sixteen. But it had complicated her diabetes, and she had learned better. "That goes double for boys, I won't go near one who's drinking, because he's sure to get ideas."

"Ideas? Of what nature?"

"Of a sexual nature."

"Oh." He seemed embarrassed. Lovely man.

They spot leprechauns among the trees.

quote:

"Maybe they are confined to this particular forest in Xanth. Their range is very limited in Mundania, too. To Ireland, I think."

"Ire Land? Are they bad tempered?"

(Pun Count: 93) They head on, and find the forest in the next area has some ponds. The next one has more, linked into a large lake, with the water drowning out some trees. They find this is the last of the images, and the area is a big circuit. They aren't sure what the point was. They decide to check the middle of the circle.

quote:

"Right. No tunnels going anywhere. Just those illusion pictures." Then she had a bright idea�and was amazed to see a light bulb form and flash, about two feet before and above her face.

"You have a bright notion," Justin said.

"Yes." she said, recovering from her surprise "These pictures are illusion, right? So they're not solid. There could be something behind them."

(Pun Count: 94) They start poking around, but the inside of the illusions is opaque. Pia decides they should take off their clothes and tie them together as a rope, so Justin can pull her back if she falls into a pit or something. Pia insists that it's totally okay for Justin to see her naked, because she wants to show off.

quote:

"Sure she will." Maybe too well, but Pia did not find it necessary to say that. She pulled off her blouse and stood in her bra.

Justin's eyes bulged dangerously, but he managed to squeeze them back into shape. That didn't bother her at all; she liked making an impression, especially when it was risk free. He visibly nerved himself and removed his own shirt.

Pia stepped out of her skirt.

Justin froze. He didn't move at all. After a moment, she inquired. "Justin � are you all right?"

Pia decides not to take her panties off, in case of trouble, but to hide them via the illusion.

quote:

"Okay, now let's tie them." Pia said. She suspected that though her bra was not freaking him out, it was having some effect, so he needed to be guided. It would probably be best not to lean forward. She rather liked this aspect of Xanth, now that she was working through it, it gave a woman control of a situation.

she heads into the illusion, coming out the other side and stunning Justin again. They put their clothes back on and find a passage behind the illusion, to see the illusions from behind. They poke around some more, tell the others to keep waiting, and then start poking at the inner wall. No luck. Pia decides they have to check the ceiling, so she has to ride Justin's shoulders. Nothing up there, either. Justin goes temporarily deaf from the rustling of panties, though. Seriously.

quote:

Then she caught on: her panties were against his ears, or close enough so that he could hear their faint rustling. They had freaked out his hearing.

They decide to check the illusions themselves, finding nothing in the first one but finding a tunnel in the next.

quote:

It was about head height on her. Justin boosted her up and she cradled into it. In a moment she was beyond the illusion, and saw that she was in a short tunnel leading gradually down. The sides of it glowed faintly, so she wasn't blind. "Give me a moment to get clear, then follow," she called back. She needed that moment, because she was on her hands and knees, and he would freak out if she didn't get her panties out of sight first.

"My hands seem to have gone numb," he said.

They must have touched her panties during the boost. This was multimedia magic! "Flex your fingers," she called. "They'll recover in a moment."

They head through the tunnel, finding it widens out to an inner passage.

quote:

They came to a large chamber, whose ceiling was supported by a number of thick columns. The columns were square, rather than round. The chamber seemed to be curved: in fact it was like the two passages, circling around a huge central pillar. This was the true center of the establishment.

"What�s this place?" Pia asked, impressed by its magnitude.

"Why. I suspect these are square roots," Justin said. awed. "Cube roots, more accurately. And that this must be a tree."

(Pun Count: 96)

quote:

"A very large, very special tree. In fact, I believe this is the Coventree."

(Pun Count: 97)

quote:

"It is largely isolated from the regular forests, but has remarkable properties. I know of it only by reputation, but believe the identification is secure. This would be its root system."

[...]

"The Coventree has the power of illusion. Were it human, it would perhaps rival the Sorceress Iris in that respect. That explains why we did not see it in the light of day; it's enormous upper girth was concealed by illusion. But because it is vegetable, it is not considered to be a Magician. Still, it is a plant well worthy of respect."

"By other plants, maybe," she agreed cynically. "Other trees. But�" Then she made a connection "You were a tree for a long time. That's why you relate."

Pia realizes it's Justin the tree wanted. Now they have to figure out why, since the tree can't talk. They decide the castle is a riddle, since that's the only way the tree can talk to them.

quote:

"That's just to mark the place, so we couldn't miss it. I thought that was obvious all along. But the pictures�it didn't want us to get beyond them until we had truly figured them out. I think the pictures are the message." She remembered how their Companions software, back in Mundania, wouldn't let folk see the Pia guide without clothing until they had demonstrated mastery over the subject matter. This could be similar, in vegetable fashion.

"But they are, taken as a whole, revolting. That rising water�perhaps mobile animals like it, but it is not good for trees "

"Rising water." she echoed. "Justin�that could be it."

"It can't be it. No tree would want its roots flooded out."

"The tunnel here�it's flooded at the low point It surely wasn't that way when it was built. The water's rising here too, just as it is in the pictures. And that's not good."

Justin stared at her. "This is it." he agreed. amazed. "The water is rising, and drowning out the trees. And nobody cares but the trees."

"And the leprechauns, who must have helped with the excavation of this gallery."

Pia has a sudden burst of feeling.

quote:

Something shifted inside her, and the chamber seemed to change color. "Do you know. Justin. all my life I've been a selfish brat, and it's never made me happy. Now, suddenly, I see a way to do something unselfish. I want to save those trees."

"But no one can�"

"We know what's happening. The snows in the mountains are melting, and flowing to the valley, and it's flooding, and drowning out the trees. They can't stop it, because they're immobile. The leprechauns probably can't go to the cold mountains. But maybe we can. That's why Coventree wanted to bring you here. So you would understand, because you of all people relate to trees, and do something. Before it's too late. And I want to help you. Maybe it will be the one truly decent thing I do in my life."

"But you're Mundane. You have to return to Mundania."

"Yes. So I guess we'd better hurry, and get this done before I leave Xanth."

"I suppose if you insist." he said dubiously. "But this problem may have no ready resolution. The forces of nature may be intractable."

"There must be a way to handle it, or the Coventree wouldn't have asked for help. We just have to figure out how. Now let's go tell the others."

Pia is suddenly an environmental crusader, and will not take no for an answer.

quote:

He nodded. "In that case, I feel free to say that I am very much in accord. The thought of trees suffering unnecessarily is intolerable to me, and I wish to do all that I can to alleviate their distress."

"Why didn't you say so before?"

"Because it was not my province to direct your tour of Xanth, only to facilitate it. A mission like this is well beyond the parameters of my assignment."

"Let me see if I have it straight," she said. "You couldn't ask it, but you can support it."

"Exactly."

"You're so archaically ethical that you couldn't even hint at what you wanted."

"True."

"I think it's a pleasure to know, you Justin. Maybe the decade will come when I'll be able to be like that. But right now I'm simply not up to it. I have to go for what I want."

Pia decides to also get Justin to be more open to sex with Breanna.

quote:

Pia, flush with the joy of her decision to do something truly decent for a change, realized that there was a bit more she could do. "Justin, things have changed in the last century, in Xanth as well as Mundania. Okay, so maybe the Adult Conspiracy stops you from going all the way Yet. But there is an in-between stage, and you should pass through it before the Conspiracy ends. So you're not caught flat fooled, as it were, when the time comes. I mean, you don't climb a mountain in one giant step, do you1? You do it in easy stages."

"I suppose that could be the case. I confess that Breanna surprised me phenomenally the other night. However�"

"So now it's our turn to surprise her. She'll appreciate it. Believe me. she will."

Pia tells Justin to French kiss Breanna and squeeze her rear end, using her own body to demonstrate.

quote:

He did not quite freak out, but it was a close call. She put his limp hand back by his side and stepped away from him. Then she led him back toward the entrance. They had work to do.

Pun Count: 97 by the end of Chapter 5.

# ? Mar 26, 2014 19:18

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

Piers wrote that the single black character belongs to a white male character. He wrote that.

# ? Mar 27, 2014 00:20

Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

Oh christ, he did!

I overlooked that tanks to 'deafness by panties' :psyduck:

# ? Mar 27, 2014 00:27

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

And apparently the reverse doesn't apply because Pia doesn't seem to have any moral problems with vamping all over Breanna's boyfriend. Because only women and/or black people can be property, I guess?

# ? Mar 27, 2014 15:36

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Alopex posted:

And apparently the reverse doesn't apply because Pia doesn't seem to have any moral problems with vamping all over Breanna's boyfriend. Because only women and/or black people can be property, I guess?

No, it's different, see, because she's not doing it for fun, she's doing it to show him how to be a better boyfriend for Breanna. It's educational vamping.

# ? Mar 27, 2014 16:05

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 6. Back to Chlorine. Nimby and Chlorine get dressed and head downstairs.

quote:

"Now we need to show you how to ride the Lemon," Dug said. "But first, maybe we'd better tackle the Modemode."

"The what?" Chlorine asked.

"The GigaGrid. It goes by various names and nicknames. It covers the world, but you need a modem to access it, so we call it the modem mode, or Mode M Mode, or Modemode. Three syllables. We met you there in the O-zone of the magic mesh address of the Mundane Mega Mesh, or mmm, of the Grid. I realize it's confusing at first, but it does make sense in its fashion, once you get the hang of it."

(Pun Count: 101)

quote:

"Yes," Dug said. "Mdmd://mmm.inm.o-xone.breanna That's where we found you. Now we need to be sure you know the way back, because if you should ever be in trouble, that's your escape route. You can reach it from any modem, not just this one. So you can travel anywhere in Mundania, and switch back when you have to; no need to do it from this site. But the mesh is fun in its own right, and you might as well enjoy it. So we figure to take you in for the check-in, then give you a small tour of the Modemode."

(Pun Count: 102?)

quote:

They went in. Chlorine sat in Pia's seat, and Nimby in Edsel's, with Kim and Dug standing behind them for guidance. Chlorine followed the labyrinth, picking out the letters on the keyboard, invoking the modem spell, which was associated with something called a browser and a provider, then M D M D : // and on. She had to give Pia's identity, and Pia's password, "insulin," before being granted admission. When she got to the magic mesh, there she was in the familiar hall, and there was Nimby with her.

Breanna wasn't in her Leaf, but they left their check-in message. Probably she hadn't made it in yet, because there were fewer mesh connections in Xanth. and Breanna might have forgotten about the Ear. But Nimby and Chlorine had done their part. The message would respond automatically when the others checked in; the magic of the O-Xone would see to that.

Kim made Chlorine go back to the screen and keyboard in the house, then to the magic mesh again, making sure she knew the route. Dug did the same with Nimby. Then they went exploring elsewhere in the mesh. "The browser enables you to go places." Kim explained "We use Exscrape and Mundania Inline."

(Pun Count: 104)

quote:

"Inline?"

"You have to wait in line often. Sometimes you can't get in at all, but they still charge you plenty. Let's go to a babble box."

(Pun Count: 106) A chatroom.

quote:

Kim guided her to "lumber on" to a GigaGrid Alternating Babble, or GAB. where the gabbing occurred. They went to GABfest and merged.

(Pun Count: 107)

quote:

She had to assume a persona, and decided on "Poison." because of her magic talent of poisoning water. The interaction was in the form of words on the screen. Kim had to reach in and type for her, because she could not do it fast enough.

She "signed" the guestbook, and it started.

Poison? Someone called Fun Gus typed. LOL!/quote]

(Pun Count: 108)

[quote]"That means Laughing Out Loud." Kim said. "You'd better come back with some clever rejoinder."

Well I do it only to water, Chlorine replied with Kim's help.

You pee in water?

"Oh, he's one of those" Kim said with disgust. "Change the subject."

Chlorine did. What's your talent?

I make things fun, Gus replied. How old are you?

"Watch it." Kim warned. "He's a prowler."

But Chlorine answered. Twenty two. That was Pia's age. Why do you want to know?

How about a date?

"Don't get too friendly with this predator." Kim said.

I'm out of dates. Will you accept a pineapple?"

LMFAO!

"Never mind that that means," Kim said. "Dump him."

"No. I want to know." She typed LMFAO?

A picture appeared It showed one donkey mounting another, but the one below was laughing so hard that the other was falling off. "Oh. donkeys," Chlorine said. She had liked them ever since Nimby first appeared to her in the form of a dragon with a donkey head. "But I still don't understand what they're doing."

(Pun Count: 109)

quote:

"Never mind!" Kim said urgently. "Break off this dialogue." A new name appeared: Moon Shine. Hi, Poison. I make women look better in the full moon. Is this creep bothering you?

Don't butt in, fertilizer face! Gus typed angrily.

(Pun Count: 110)

quote:

"�Fertilizer� isn't exactly the word he typed." Kim said. "The babble box automatically translates any objectionable terms," No, this is interesting, Chlorine replied. How about going priv for modering? Gus inquired.

"Don't do it!" Kim said.

"What does it mean?"

"Going private�that is to some other chamber where others aren't watching�for modem sex."

(Pun Count: 111)

quote:

"Modem what?"

"Where you talk dirty to each other. Having pretend sex. The Grid is clogged with dirty old men of all ages who want to get their verbal or written hands on young Mesh. That's what you are."

Chlorine considered. "But it's not real, is it? I mean it's just talk."

"Talk can lead to desire for the real thing. That can put marriages in peril. I don't think Nimby would appreciate your doing that with someone else."

"I suppose not. How do I end this?"

"I'll do it." Kim typed rapidly. No thanks. Go do it with your laughing donkey.

That's telling him, Moon Shine said approvingly. You wouldn't like him IRL.

"What's that?"

"In real life," Kim said. "Now let's move on."

Nice meeting you, Moon, Kim typed. Thanks for rescuing this newbie.

"Newbie?"

"New to the babble box. That's why Gus was hitting on you. None of the regs will touch him."

"Regs?"

"Regular folk of this region. But I don't think we will need to come here again. You've seen how it works."

"I like it. You're right: it's fun."

They exited the Mesh and the Grid, and were back in the house. Dug and Nimby came from the other room. "That was some dialogue you had!" Dug said "I recognized Kim's touch. She doesn't like Mesh moochers."

"True," Kim said "If they want it so bad, let them pay through the nose for phone sex."

Dug takes Nimby to the garage to learn how to drive the Lemon. They ride off, then come back. Chlorine rides behind Nimby as he drives now, and enjoys her ride, then returns.

quote:

"There's one other thing you should know about on the Mesh." Kim said "Xanth is there."

"The O-Xone." Chlorine agreed.

"No. this is an emulation Xanth, not magical It consists of a group of people who assume Xanthly personae, much as the folk in the Babble Boxes have nicknames, only their names are limited to Xanth folk."

"Oh?" Chlorine asked. "Do they have any real connection to their Xanth counterparts?" They had agreed not to refer to Xanth by name, but this did not seem feasible in practice, and maybe it didn't matter.

"They like to think so, but I don't think there's any solid evidence that they do. Come on: I'll take you there, and you can meet yourself."

"But there's only one of me," Chlorine said, not quite pleased. Kim smiled. "You were not in Mundania to pre-empt the name, so she got it. But be assured that she means you no harm. I just don't think you should challenge her about the name, because you are here anonymously. You'll have to assume some other Xanth name, to enter the Xanth Xone."

"This is ridiculous."

(Pun Count: 112)

quote:

Dug stepped in. "Think of it this way: Xanth natives have the infinite privilege of actually living in Xanth. Mundanes are stuck forever in drear Mundania. This is one of the few ways they can relate, to get at least the trace of a notion what it might be like to be among the blessed. Can you begrudge them that faint fond illusion?"

Chlorine glanced at Kim. "He has a certain talent for persuasion."

"I had suspected that." Kim said with two eighths of a smile. "I think that's why I married him."

[...]

Chlorine's conviction that she liked these Mundanes was growing. The fact was, Dug was a handsome man, while Kim was an ordinary woman, in appearance, but they both had personality. Chlorine remembered her early life as a distinctly plain and less than ordinary girl, before Nimby had enhanced her into beauty, character, and intelligence. She related to Kim. who clearly had made something of herself. "I'm persuaded. Let's go meet me."

"Pick a name," Kim said.

Chlorine pondered. Who would be obscure enough to be free? She remembered another poisoner, a disreputable female vaguely related to the mermaids, but ugly and gross. No one would choose to be her "Ella," she said. "Salmon Ella."

(Pun Count: 113)

quote:

Dug laughed. "Salmonella! That will surely do. She must he a real pain in the�"

"Stomach." Kim said quickly with mock primness.

"Close enough." he agreed, patting her on the bottom. They went back in, this time just Chlorine, with the three others watching her screen, and Kim giving verbal instructions. They made their way to the Grid and the Mesh, and to the Xanth Xone. There Chlorine registered as S. Ella, and looked up Chlorine. She was not there at the moment, but at least she had learned how to locate her. "You can try another time." Kim said. "The Mesh is quite flexible. Or you can leave a message for her."

Chlorine realized belatedly that she had no idea what to say to the Xone Chlorine, so it was just as well that she hadn't made direct contact. "I'll try again," she said. She would have to think of something suitable to explain her interest in this character.

"But there are plenty others to chat with," Dug said as they exited "We can go to a GOO."

(Pun Count: 114) I guess Piers Anthony was into MUDs.

quote:

"A what?"

He laughed. "That stands for Grid Operating Oubliette. GOO for short. It's an off-Mesh mime game where players from all over the world interact. They make up their own characters and participate in an established setting, where they make friends or alliances or enemies. They gossip about each other, or even fall in love and get married, in the game. Sometimes they have fights to the death. They stay at inns, eat good or bad meals, fight monsters�it's actually a real world for these folk, maybe as real as Mundania, and better for them. Some addicts live almost entirely in their GOOs. playing day and night without sleep. But a good GOO polices itself, so there are no vulgar laughing donkeys to harass you."

"Is that a pun?" Chlorine asked.

"Of course it is," Kim said. "Har-rear end, as in donkey."

"It sounded more like 'her rear end.'"

"That, too," Kim agreed. "Men think it's funny to slip in references to female donkeys."

"My point being that there are no female donkeys getting GOOed," Dug said.

"That sounds nice," Chlorine agreed, deciding not to explore the matter of gooed lady asses. "How do we get there?"

(Pun Count: 117)

quote:

"I'll take you." Dug took over the keyboard. "I'll use Fishnet on the Tux account, first I have to lumber on by giving my operator name: DM5555. Then my password 5>4%'3V2; 1^- Then when I get to the prompt line. I type the address: Iishnet2.aa.vvhatname oo 7734. That brings me to the computer where the GOO is, in this case Origin."

The screen blinked, and then a scene came on. with a forest, field, and castle. "And here we are," he said. "In this realm, I'm a dwarf ogre, smarter than the average ogre but not as strong. It's amazing how some women go for ogres."

(Pun Count: 118)

quote:

"Just remcmber," Kim said warningly, "You don't know what my mergirl character is doing with men who like wet bare bosoms, while you're making time with feebleminded nymphs."

"Anyway," Dug continued, "this could seem familiar, because some players overlap Xanth. I mean, an ogre or mermaid can be anywhere in fantasy. Maybe some are refugees from Xanth, for all we know."

"I'll learn in here." Chlorine agreed.

"Now there are still other realms that might relate. The GOO is a pretty extensive realm."

"No, I think this is enough for now," Chlorine decided. "Let's focus on what Nimby wants."

Nimby wanted to explore more of the physical Mundania. So the rest of the day was spent in setting up for their "vacation" travel. They learned about the uses and denominations of money and little cards called "credit." They learned about maps, and motels, and places to eat. Tomorrow they would really start exploring Mundania.

They ask Kim what happened to her dog, Bubbles.

quote:

n Xanth the first time I was there, in the Companions game, and adopted her. But she was old, and continued to age in Mundania. and I knew she would die. So I did what I had to do, and made an arrangement for her to return to Xanth, to be with Anathe Ma."

"Anathema? Did I mishear?"

Kim laughed "You fell for one of the Xanthly puns. Her name is Anathe, and she is a very nice, motherly person, though horrendously ugly. She liked Bubbles, and Bubbles liked her, so it just seemed better. Bubbles is much less likely to die in Xanth, because of the magic, as long as she has Kim laughed "You fell for one of the Xanthly puns. Her name is Anathe, and she is a very nice, motherly person, though horrendously ugly. She liked Bubbles, and Bubbles liked her, so it just seemed better. Bubbles is much less likely to die in Xanth, because of the magic, as long as she has the sense to stay clear of dragons. I cried for three days, but of course I was away at college much of the time then, so it was better for the dog. I'm sure she's happy now." But for the moment Kim looked ready to cry again.

(Pun Count: 119) I guess Piers also forgot that Anathe got made beautiful by the magic ogress. Nimby also telepathically tells Chlorine that Kim and Dug want kids but are barren.

quote:

Nimby touched her hand, and then she understood. They wanted to have a child, but somehow their signals to the stork had been ignored, and there was a growing fear that something was wrong in that respect. Ironically, there was no question about Pia's fertility, but Pia did not want children. So Dug and Kim pretended that it was simply their business with the software business that held them back.

Dug also mentions that he wants to know the real reason Nimby came to Mundania, since he knows that Demons don't have human curiosity or care about territory really. It must be part of a contest.

quote:

Nimby reached across and touched her hand. Then she had it straight. "You are correct there is more Nimby did not want to burden you with details of Demon interaction, but since you ask, he will. Yes, there is another Demon bet, and that is that Nimby can't enter Mundania and remain three days without being discovered and caught. He has one year to make the attempt or lose by default. If he is discovered, there will be complications. Since the Demon Earth is watching the normal connections between their two regions. Nimby used a special one, the O-Xone. He is also using a Mundane body, further masking his presence."

"But does it count, if he's not here in physical person?" Kim asked.

"Oh, yes. Because he is really here. Just without his body and most of his magic That makes him almost impossible to trace. So he suffers the privations of lack of magic, for the sake of succeeding in his endeavor. And he does want to explore Mundania, because he has indeed been learning human traits like curiosity. They don't come naturally to him, but he is studying them, and this experience helps."

Dug nodded. "That makes sense to me. What would reveal his presence here?"

"If he did something crazy, that no Mundane would do, that would attract attention. But if the Demon Earth happens to look at us�well, they can read our minds, so he would know. That's chance."

"And the Demon Earth is looking," Kim said.

"Yes. Probably routine sweeps, because he's not sure Nimby is here at this time. But he's alert. So we might make no mistakes, and still get caught. Actually the odds of success are crafted to be about 50-50, because that's the way the demons like it: even odds, so there is always a strong element of uncertainly."

Kim asks why Nimby and Chlorine wander around doing random favors.

quote:

Chlorine smiled. "I can answer that without consulting with him. Nimby is trying to learn about all the things he never paid attention to before, and he feels that mixing with ordinary folk is the best way. They think we're just Damsel & Dragon, and that's fine, because then they don't come asking special favors. By studying the problems of folk with little or no power, we learn a lot about human feeling and hope and grief. So that if Nimby ever wishes to go among people alone, without me as a buffer, he will be able to do so without making mistakes."

"But aren't you worried that�" Kim hesitated, evidently thinking better of the question.

"That he will dump me as no longer useful?" Chlorine said for her "No, I'm not worried, because even if my association with Nimby ends tomorrow, I will be far better off for the wonderful experience and love he has given me in this time. And of course it would be simple for him to erase all memory of him from my mind, and leave me with some ordinary man who would lake good care of me. I would never know the difference." She glanced obliquely at Nimby, teasing him. "Maybe that one we met last month. Rusty, with the talent of making metal rust down to any length. Maybe the stork would deliver babies with rust colored hair."

(Pun Count: 120)

quote:

"As long as Rusty's not gay," Kim said.

"Oh, I would expect him to have a really gay time," Chlorine said, inhaling. On Pia's body, this had good effect.

Kim pursed her lips. "Maybe we have run afoul of a linguistic anomaly."

"But why should the man be sad instead of gay? I'm not exactly minced spleen."

Dug interceded. "In current slang, the term gay now refers to a sexual preference for one's own gender."

"And a person who prefers the opposite gender is called straight," Kim said.

"Oh." That did set Chlorine back a bit. But then she had the answer: "But I would put him in a straight jacket. That would stop the gaiety."

(Pun Count: 121) Yeah.

quote:

Dug and Kim exchanged a glance. "That should do it," Dug agreed.

"Or maybe I could marry that man Simon." Chlorine continued, with another slice of a glance at Nimby. "The one who said things, and then they happened. He could say I'd be happy."

(Pun Count: 122)

quote:

The three others glanced at Nimby, but he still didn't react. So Chlorine tried one more. "Maybe that sixteen year old Mundane boy we saw in the region of madness What was his name�Brandon Risner. He seemed nice." She addressed Dug and Kim. "Weird things are found at the fringes of the region of Madness. We were doing a reconnaissance, looking for a tailgator�they have fierce teeth in their tails�and we boarded a scholar ship. Each passenger had to submit a written essay, which meant that only educated folk could use it. but it was fun."

(Pun Count: 124)

quote:

"I�d like to sail on that ship." Dug said.

"Yes, you would have liked some of the folk on it. There was Elena Human from the North Village. Her talent was Literature. She could summon any character from a book, as long as she was holding that book. There was also Polly Esther from the West Stockade, whose talent was to make long-lasting clothing. Some of it was quite sheer when she wore it."

(Pun Count: 125)

quote:

"He'd like that ship too well," Kim muttered.

"We crossed a lake ol Pollux oil, which smelled even worse than Castor oil. Then we docked and rode a defective donkey." Chlorine paused, searching her memory. "No, it was an rear end fault, very hard and black. Until we came to a toad lily, which was really all together. That's where Brandon was. He was learning to play chess from a chess nut tree."

(Pun Count: 129)

quote:

"Wait, I think I missed one," Kim said. "I got asphalt, and chestnut. but what's toad lily?"

"You are toad lily stupid about puns," Dug told her.

Had it been Xanth, a mortified light bulb would have flashed over her head. "Oh, you bad boy!" she exclaimed, punching him on the shoulder. "Toad lily bad."

Nimby yawned. Chlorine decided she had had enough fun with him. Puns bored him. "I hope you never do dump me," she said, kissing his ear. "I like donkey-headed dragons."

Dug stood. "I think it's time for us to go home."

"You're just smug because you're one up on me," Kim said. But she hardly seemed loath, as they departed for the night.

Pun Count: 129 by the end of Chapter 6.

# ? Apr 2, 2014 22:55

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 3, 2024 18:03

Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

a long boring diabtre on MU* and of course everyone's okay with the straight jacket.

It's amazing how loving bland his writing is when it isn't drowning you in creep

# ? Apr 2, 2014 23:04

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

«‹›32 »