Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Robindaybird posted:

a long boring diabtre on MU* and of course everyone's okay with the straight jacket.

It's amazing how loving bland his writing is when it isn't drowning you in creep

I know it probably gets said too often about Piers Anthony but it has to be said again: you ain't seen nothing yet. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The iceberg has, in fact, many tips.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 04:07

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 00:53

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

And there's the line at which I became viciously disillusioned with Piers Anthony. I'm pretty sure I've bitched about that line in here before, but god drat did it bother me. Middle of adolescence, experiencing wild uncertainty with my own sexual orientation, read a lot of escapist fantasy to avoid thinking about it, and then out of loving nowhere I find out that one of my favorite authors thinks it's funny to joke about people like me being put in "straight jackets" for... forced breeding? Correction? I'm pretty sure he didn't even think the implications through there, which is even more insulting than if he were just outright homophobic.

I think I managed to force my way through a book or two after that, but I kept noticing that his writing was actually pretty horrible and dropped the series. I look forward to seeing what kind of complete nonsense I missed out on.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 14:37

Verus: Jun 3, 2011; AUT INVENIAM VIAM AUT FACIAM

How in the world have you guys suffered through thirty pages--two dozen loving books--of this poo poo? Over the past two weeks I've read this thread up to the third book, but I just can't go on. There's too much Piers Anthony and too little poo poo that doesn't make me want to become a Fahrenheit 451-style firefighter.

# ? Apr 7, 2014 02:40

Emy: Apr 21, 2009

Verus posted:

How in the world have you guys suffered through thirty pages--two dozen loving books--of this poo poo? Over the past two weeks I've read this thread up to the third book, but I just can't go on. There's too much Piers Anthony and too little poo poo that doesn't make me want to become a Fahrenheit 451-style firefighter.

Lots of skimming. Piers Anthony's insipid prose isn't able to hold my interest, even when it's at its train-wreckiest, so I'll often skip to the reactions then go back to figure out what they were talking about. Like the "straight jackets" thing. Jesus christ. It manages to be a boring lovely joke and have horrific implications. :staredog:

("A boring lovely joke with horrific implications" describes every facet of Anthony's work, as well as his writing career as a whole.)

# ? Apr 7, 2014 08:59

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

Hipster Occultist posted:

Dear god, 13 year old me was an idiot. WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER THAT RAPE TRIAL!

Just discovered this thread because someone linked to it elsewhere. I've still quite a ways to go and I don't remember this at all either! 13-year-old me must have been a goddamn moron.

# ? Apr 8, 2014 05:58

Cosmic Afro: May 23, 2011

I've completely forgot about this thread, myself, until Mors reminded me of it. In an instant, all the time I've spent reading this horror in this thread flooded back into my mind. All the effort I've spent to shovel away the imagery theses writing brought, gone. Then, I knew suffering once more.

That last update sure as hell didn't helped. Part of me really kind of want to see how the hell this stuff is bad in French. The other, smarter, part of me wants nothing to do with it.

I'm still considering myself fortunate that I've avoided Piers Anthony by pure chance when I was 13 and has only been exposed to this as an adult.

# ? Apr 8, 2014 08:46

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Speedball posted:

Just discovered this thread because someone linked to it elsewhere. I've still quite a ways to go and I don't remember this at all either! 13-year-old me must have been a goddamn moron.

I'm so sorry

# ? Apr 8, 2014 15:17

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

Nihilarian posted:

I'm so sorry

YOUUUUU!!!

�okay, just caught up with the first part of Castle Roogna. Millie the Ghost's talent as a living human was sex appeal? Piers Anthony must have been like "gently caress, I forgot to give this woman a magic power when she was a ghost�uh� she's sexy! Yeah, that will make her stand out from the crowd!"

# ? Apr 8, 2014 17:46

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

People are linking this thread? Huh.

Chapter 7 sends us over to Edsel, who is hanging out with Breanna. They worry that Justin and Pia are in trouble, but decide to wait and chat instead.

quote:

"I guess I fuss too much," she said. "It's just that I love him so, and we haven't been together long, physically I mean, and I'm so afraid I'll lose him to a dragon or something before I ever really have him." She glanced sidelong at him. "Do you act like that with Pia?"

He shook his head. "No, not really. But of course we've been married for four years. The bloom is off."

"Oh, yes, you said that before. But it seems weird to me. How can you lose love?" She shifted her position, sitting cross-legged, and he couldn't help wondering how far up under her skirt he would have been able to see if there had been more light. She was a cute kid, and nicely formed.

But he needed to address her question. "Well, I haven't really lost mine for her. but I'm afraid she's lost hers for me I'm hoping she will recover it. I guess I feel I have lost her, and I'm afraid I won't recover her. Is that close enough to your sentiment?"

"No. I know I won't lose Justin's love. Just his body, maybe, if something bad happens. I know it's foolish, but it still bothers me. But I hope it works out for you." Then she thought of something else. "Do you notice other women?"

Edsel says that he does, and that he notices Breanna. She is happy about this. They decide to play Twenty Questions with Para to learn its history. They learn that it was delivered, not made. Its mother was a boat.

quote:

"A dream boat?" Breanna said, a bulb flashing over her head.

(Pun Count: 130)

Which means its father was a duck. Or, rather...

quote:

They tried variations of ducks, and finally Edsel got it: "A quack. Your father was a quack."

(Pun Count: 131)

quote:

Yes. It turned out that the two had blundered onto a love spring, tricked there by Anemone, which was a water creature with a bad attitude � an enemy, in fact. They desperately signaled the stork about ten times before they managed to get clear of that potent water. The stork works had pondered the order for some months, and finally compromised by delivering one boat with ten pairs of duck feet. By that time the quack was long gone, but the dream boat remained, and she showed Para the ways of the water. But he had to learn the way of the land himself, and that was chancy.

(Pun count: 132)

quote:

Now they wanted to know how Para had come to be associated with the two docks, where Breanna had first encountered him. This was hard to zero in on, but they were making progress � when Justin and Pia returned.

"I'm almost disappointed." Breanna murmured, smiling. She had a very white smile in the subdued light of the illusion castle.

Justin explains about the Coventree, and Pia explains her new cause. Edsel agrees to it because it means he'll get sex.

quote:

Breanna shot a desperate glance at Edsel, but he was lost. He could argue with Pia, he could exchange insults with her. he could be mad at her, but he could not oppose her when she used her sex appeal to win her way. He knew this did not mean that she would remain married to him, but for the duration of his cooperation in her design, she would be his loving girlfriend. That might be the best he could get, and he was incapable of refusing it.

Justin pinches Breanna's rear end and explains that Pia taught him how. They head down and get the grand tour. Again. Edsel is surprised that Pia cares so much, but accepts it. In the morning, Edsel has some ideas. The melting is caused by some kind of climate change, not seasons, so there must be a cause for that.

quote:

They turned to the exit passage�and there across it was an illusion picture. It showed the valley, with no lakes or ponds, the sun shining brightly The Coventree understood their mission, and was acknowledging in its fashion. Edsel realized that the tree could not respond in animate fashion, but could at least make pictures, which it probably had to grow in the course of hours. It must have been working on this one overnight.

They walked through it, suffering no blindness, as this illusion was paper thin. Beyond it was another. This one was a map, showing the local lay of the land, and the placement of the snowy mountains. Now they knew exactly where to go.

They made their way out through the passages and illusions, and emerged to the daylight above. The castle was gone; the region was flat. With one significant exception: there was the Coventree, rising above the region where they had seen its great central root. It was a huge tree, larger than Edsel had ever seen before, stretching toward the clouds. The illusion castle must have been formed around it. concealing it at night. But by day, freed of its protective illusion, it stood out in all its grandeur. It would indeed be a shame to let such a tree die.

They got in Para, and the boat set off. Justin and Pia rode in front, eager to see the way ahead, leaving Edsel and Breanna to the rear. "So did she do you last night?" Breanna inquired.

"Am I allowed to answer without violating the Adult Conspiracy?" She laughed.

"She surprises me too," he admitted. "I love her, but she has always been self-centered. I don't see any way in which this intermission can profit her personally."

"This what?"

"Intermission. A mission inside a larger mission." She considered that.

(Pun Count: 133) Breanna decides it's a quest instead.

quote:

A shape flew out of the background. It was large, and somewhat clumsy. "Beware," Breanna said. "That's a harpy."

"Have no concern," Justin called back. "That's Handi. I know her. She's clean and intelligent."

"Trees get to know many flying creatures," Breanna said. "I suppose I shouldn't be jealous."

The harpy had the wings and talons of a buzzard, and the head and breasts of a woman. Edsel had understood that they were always ugly, but this one wasn't.

Justin introduces himself. They talk briefly about...well, frankly, nothing, and Handi leaves.

quote:

Breanna watched her go. "Was I too bleepy?" she asked.

"Not at all." Edsel reassured her "You hardly spoke."

"I hate being jealous. But the thought of Justin talking about nature with bare breasted birds just drives me crazy."

[...]

He spied another creature. It might be a dragon, but it wasn't threatening them. "What's that?"

She looked. "Oh. that's a firedrake. They have iron lungs." That made sense, he realized.

(Pun Count: 134)

quote:

The level floor of the valley tilted, providing some leverage so the river could rise toward the distant mountain range. Edsel had never been much for watching scenery, but there wasn't much else to do. Justin and Pia were chatting amiably at the other end of the boat; they seemed to be really hitting it off, after their exploration of the underground gallery. Edsel hardly minded talking with Breanna; she was cute and vivacious. But there was absolutely no prospect of a romantic association there, and he had never had much to do with girls who were not romantic prospects. So he was stuck with the scenery. Fortunately it was varied and interesting.

They passed a woman who was working in a vineyard. But the vines were odd. They seemed to have eyeballs. "What are those?" he inquired. Breanna looked. "I think they are eye-queue vines. Put one on your head, and it makes you smart."

(Pun Count: 135)

quote:

"Well, I'm not sure. Maybe they only make you think you're smart. I'll find out." She waved to the woman. "Hi! I'm Breanna of the Black Wave, my talent is seeing in blackness, and I have a question." The duck-footed boat obligingly drew to a halt so she could have the dialogue.

"You wish to know whether these vines provide the illusion or the reality of high intelligence," the woman said.

"That's right! How did you know?"

"Because I am Jeanie Yus, and long association with the eye queue has made me quite intelligent. In fact, that's my talent."

(Pun Count: 136)

quote:

"Intelligence, or cultivating vines?" Edsel asked.

"Yes. And you are evidently a lascivious Mundane."

"Only when looking at lovely women," he said. Actually Jeanie looked smart rather than pretty, but he was a fair hand at dialogue with women.

She nodded. "False flattery can indeed be charming. The answer to your original question is that the effect of these vines varies with the person. They do enhance the appearance of intelligence, but only in restricted ways relating to observation of details rather than substance, obscure vocabulary rather than effective communication, spot memorization of numbers backwards, superficial analysis of pictures, general information of a selected cultural nature, and trick questions. But not only do they make those who use them think they are more intelligent than they are, they also make school administrators think so."

"They have schools in Xanth?" Edsel asked.

"Indubitably. We have a fine school of fish right here in the Melt River."

(Pun Count: 137)

quote:

Breanna was interested. "What effect would such a vine have on someone like me?"

"They tend not to greatly enhance the seeming strengths of folk like you," Jeanie said "On a basis of one hundred, they would make you seem like eighty five."

"But how can they do that?" she asked, annoyed. "They relate only to the qualities to which they are crafted to relate. They ignore all others, such a creativity, artistic ability, musical sensitivity, special qualities of character like integrity or compassion or perseverance, or specialized knowledge in diverse areas. They assume that intelligence is an entity represented by a single figure, and that that figure is the only relevant one."

"But why would they assume that?" Breanna asked.

"Because if they did not. their prophecy would not be properly self fulfilling."

"I don't understand."

"Naturally not," Jeanie said with a superior attitude. Breanna seemed about to jump out of the boat to tackle Jeanie. Edsel grabbed her, getting a faceful of her lustrous black hair. "Para!" he cried. "Get your feel moving."

The boat lurched forward, carrying them away from the vineyard. He hung on to the struggling girl until she relaxed. Then he released her, aware that his embrace could be misinterpreted. Justin and Pia were looking back in surprise, but then returned to their dialogue.

Breanna looked at him. "I guess you didn't do that to grab any quick feel."

"True," he agreed. Then, to defuse it: "Oh. I don't mean to imply that you don't have things worth feeling. You are a very nice little package. It I ever had a legitimate excuse, I'd revel in feels."

It worked. She smiled. "For sure. That woman made me so mad�"

"I think it was unconscious arrogance. She called out the weakness in her vines without realizing that it applied to herself. She really does think she is smarter than you."

"But why?"

"Because you are of the Black Wave. That is most of what she felt she needed to know about you."

"Self fulfilling prophecy," she said musingly. "If you figure the color of your skin makes you better than someone else, the tests you make will reflect that."

"You will make sure they do." he agreed. "In the name of objectivity, ironically. But it�s not worth arguing with an attitude like that. It would be like getting into a mud fight."

Breanna brings up zombies, confusing Edsel, then drops it without ceremony.

quote:

Then she caught him about the shoulders, drew him close enough to be well aware of those things she had worth feeling. and kissed him so soundly that it felt as if the boat were tipping over the brink of a waterfall.

When she released him. he put his hands on the sides of the boat to maintain his balance. "Why?" he gasped after a moment.

"Two reasons. First, you saved me from making a fool of myself back there. Second, those two up front owed us a Kiss. And maybe a feel, but I think you got that too."

Indeed. "Owed us a kiss?"

"Your woman kissed my man underground, and gave him a feel. I can tell. Now that score is even."

Then Breanna explains that she is working for zombies' civil rights. A girl riding a centaur shows up.

quote:

"Hi." the girl replied. She wore a hat that said Tom, but maybe she had borrowed it. Unless she was a tom boy. "I'm Heather. I'm ten. and my talent is relating to dragons. I'm looking for one who's not hungry at the moment. I don't know the best way to the mountains, but I'm sure Shaunture does."

(Pun Count: 138)

quote:

The centaur seemed reluctant to talk. He merely pointed upriver. "My concern is that the river may meander, and we would like to reach the mountains expeditiously." Justin said.

Heather looked down. "I guess you'll have to answer, Shaunture," she said.

Now the centaur spoke. "The river does not measure, but�" He paused, for a measuring tape had appeared in his hands.

"Meander." Heather said. "It does not meander."

"Thank you." The tape disappeared. "But you will want to avoid the colored people."

(Pun Count: 140)

quote:

Breanna sat up straight. Edsel put a cautioning hand on her brown arm.

"What is the problem with colored people?" Justin asked.

"Their talents. They were originally Mundanes, and their form of greeting is to shake hands. When they got magic, thanks to the curse of a passing demon, it was inconvenient They are named White, Green, Brown, Black, Grey, and other collars, and�"

He paused, for a huge horse collar had appeared around his neck.

"Colors," Heather said. "Other colors."

"Thank you." the centaur said, as the collar faded out. "Not only are they those colors, but anything they touch becomes those colors too."

(Pun Count: 147)

quote:

"Yes," the centaur agreed. "Their Mundane costume is quaint, but�" He paused, for now a clownish costume had formed around him.

"Custom," Heather said. "Their Mundane custom of touching hands."

(Pun Count: 148)

quote:

"If you take a slightly different angel. you can�" The centaur paused, for an angel had appeared hovering before him. complete with glowing halo and white wings.

"Angle." Heather said. "A slightly different angle."

"Thank you." The angel faded. "You may then pass the home of a centet Magician who�" Now a small building appeared before him with arrows pointing to it, making it the center of the illustration.

"Centaur," Heather said. "Centaur Magician."

"Thank you. He will be able to direct you further."

(Pun Count: 150)

quote:

"Thank you," Justin said. "You have been a real help. So has Heather."

"Yes, she is invaluable." Shaunture agreed. "I dread the day when she finds her dragon and departs with it."

"Well, it doesn't take much brains to be a damsel for a dragon, so I'm qualified," Heather said. "Though I'll hate wearing a skimpy dress."

"I have no concern what she wears," Shaunture confided. "I would like to give her a bucket of�"

A bucket appeared on the girl's head. "Mmmph, mmph!" she cried, unable to make herself understood. She tried to lift it off. but it seemed glued in place.

"Bouquet!" Edsel called. "A bouquet of flowers!"

(Pun Count: 151) Shaunture stops talking.

quote:

"Heather. I think your talent is relating to creatures, not just dragons." Breanna said to the girl. "Maybe you should stay with Shaunture, who really needs you."

The girl's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Really?"

"Really. You always know what he means to say, and that really helps him."

"Well, he says I help, so as not to hurt my childish feelings. But centaurs are way too smart to associate long with dull kids like me."

Breanna seemed to be digesting an internal thought. "Intelligence isn't always what you think. Ask him."

Heather looked at Shaunture. He nodded. "Oh. Shaunture." she cried "I'd love to stay with you! I know you'll never chomp me."

The centaur looked at Breanna. "I must speak again after all. I am grapefruit for�" He became a huge grapefruit.

"Grateful!" Heather cried joyously, perched on the top. "For her insight."

(Pun Count: 152) They mention that Shaunture reminds them of Metria, so she shows up.

quote:

The smoke coalesced into a lovely buxom form, bound by an elastic halter stretching almost to the snapping point. "And you found the foul footed boat."

Para quivered with indignation.

"What kind of foot?" Edsel asked quickly.

"Avis, feathered, game, bird, domestic�"

"Fowl?"

"Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly.

(Pun Count: 158) She drops Ted and DeMonica off, then leaves.

quote:

"Maybe the two of them will one day grow up and marry each other," Pia muttered. "And the stork will bring them children they have to baby-sit."

"Named Tedmon and Monted," Breanna agreed. "And there'll be no Mundanes visiting who are foolish enough to do it."

"Whose menfolk are dazzled into volunteering," Pia said. They both laughed. "Actually the children aren't all that bad. and the dazzlcability of the menfolk make them more readily handleable."

They find a Mundane hitchhiker named Gabriel and pick him up.

quote:

"I guess it does show." Gabriel said, abashed. "I'd like to live in Xanth. I made a deal. I can visit Xanth for a week. I can stay here if I can find a family to adopt me or a girl to marry me. Otherwise I must return forever to drear Mundania."

He's fourteen, so he can't marry. He might find a family. (He'd take a nymph, but she'd break the Conspiracy way too fast.)

quote:

There was a fairly sharp turn in the path. Para, traveling rapidly, was off-balanced by the extra weight, and his side scraped against a sad looking tree. It emitted a sighing sound.

"What was that?" Edsel asked as they moved on.

"A sigh-press tree," Justin called back. "They sigh when pressed."

(Pun Count: 159) They find a woman looking for a lake. Gabriel says there's one nearby.

quote:

"Because I saw fire ants near a fire, and earth ants near earth, and air ants near air. I saw water ants here, so there must be water near."

(Pun Count: 162) The woman's name is Alexandra, a were-dolphin. She wants to find another of her kind because she's lonely. Gabriel says that he'd love to settle down with her.

quote:

Edsel exchanged a glance with Breanna. "Would you consider marrying a boy without violating the Adult Conspiracy?"

Alexandra considered. "That depends on how good company he was."

"Why don't you talk with Gabriel, here?" Edsel suggested.

They talk, and Breanna wonders why the snowy mountains are so cold, since temperature doesn't drop with elevation in Xanth.

quote:

"Well, once I met two brothers. One could turn himself into ice The other could turn anything else to ice. Maybe those brothers live in the mountains."

"Maybe so." he agreed. That seemed just crazy enough to suit this magic land. "But you know, there seems to be an awful lot of fortunate coincidence in Xanth. Like the way certain people meet." Without moving his head, he flicked his eyes in the direction of the youth and the woman in the center of the boat.

"For sure I've thought about that. I think maybe the Land of Xanth is female, so she does nice things for her people."

"But the Demon X(A/N)th is male."

"Yes, mostly. Actually demons are any gender they want to be. But the Demon is not the Land. The Land is more like his daughter."

Edsel nodded. "Now that makes sense. Maybe that's why marriages last forever in Xanth."

They find a lake, and Alexandra turns dolphin and jumps in. Gabriel heads in after her, confident she can protect him from any danger.

quote:

"They won't bother me," he said, pausing at the edge to rip off his clothing. "Not with a dolphin friend protecting me."

"He's got a point." Breanna said.

"You're not supposed to look." Edsel said, smiling.

"I meant�" She paused. "Oh, you're doing it again. You rogue."

(Pun Count: 163?) They spot a shark, but Alexandra scares it off. The kids go swimming, too. They find the centaur magician Rempel.

quote:

"I thought all centaurs had names with CH sounds." Edsel said.

"That is the custom, not the rule," Rempel said. "We who are outside the norm do not necessarily follow it."

"Outside the norm?"

"Conventional centaurs do not have magic talents." he said. "Let alone strong ones."

"They consider personal magic obscene," Breanna murmured. Something moved through the grass. "What's a shark doing on land?" Pia cried, alarmed.

Rempel looked. "Those are a variety of shark called skates," he said. "They are harmless to ordinary folk, unless stepped on."

Now Edsel saw that the creatures were forming hoops and rolling along the ground. "Skates?" he asked.

"Roller skates." He should have guessed.

(Pun Count: 164) They then find magic roses that levitate anything of their own color.

quote:

Breanna looked around. "What's that? It doesn't look quite like a centaur."

Edsel recognized the creature immediately, but decided not to speak.

Rempel smiled "Indeed, it is not. That's Ally, short for B B Allusion, a chestnut copper mare, just visiting." When Breanna still looked blank, he said "A horse. A member of one of my ancestral species."

"Oh." Breanna said, embarrassed. "Like a night mare. only less magical."

(Pun Count: 165) She was a kid in Mundania. She loving knows what a horse is!

quote:

Rempel suddenly galloped to the edge of the lake. "Away! Away!" he cried, splashing the water with his forehoofs.

Edsel and Breanna walked across to see what was going on. There was only a rather blobby sea creature feeding on what looked like weeds at the edge.

"This is Hugh." Rempel said. "He is a manatee. Sometimes the sharks come after him. Then I have to drive them off."

(Pun Count: 166)

quote:

"To save Hugh Manatee," Edsel said.

(Pun Count: 167)

quote:

Alexandra and Gabriel emerged from the lake. She changed to clothed human form in one motion; clothes seemed to be part of her magic. Thus she wasn't violating the Adult Conspiracy by showing him any panties. Gabriel had to clothe himself the ordinary way, but since Alexandra was of age, it didn't matter what she saw.

[...]

Rempel trotted a short distance to pick something from what looked like a pea plant. He brought it back and gave it to Gabriel. "Try this."

"What is it?" the boy asked doubtfully. "A thera pea. It is good for sore muscles." The children tittered.

(Pun Count: 168)

quote:

Rempel shrugged. "It is convenient to know the talents of things. I can show you a lie-lack bush if you wish; a person near it can't tell a lie. Or a ruler; that writing device takes control of the person who uses it."

(Pun Count: 170) Rempel directs them higher into the mountains and tells them to be careful - there are two paths, and one is dangerous.

quote:

"This is a beautiful place." Pia said. "Justin has been pointing out its novelties. For example, there's a chemis-tree."

They looked. The tree's fruit seemed to be in the form of colored fluids in little beakers.

(Pun Count: 171)

quote:

"And a water chestnut tree." Pia said, indicating another. The nuts were in the shape of damp little chests.

(Pun Count: 172)

quote:

They got into the boat. The duck feet carried them along the path up the river "We need to take the � " Edsel began.

"Oh look!" Pia cried. "There's an adder " She reached for a nearby snake.

"Oooo, great!" Monica exclaimed.

"But that's poisonous!" Edsel protested.

Too late Pia caught the snake and lifted it into the boat. Edsel kicked desperately around for a stick, but there wasn't even a paddle.

"What's two plus two?" Pia asked the snake as the children crowded close.

The adder struck at the side of the boat. There was the sharp bong of a hell. Now there was a mark on the wood: the number four. Edsel relaxed. It was after all harmless.

(Pun Count: 173) But they aren't sure which path they took.

quote:

"Did we take the wrong one?" Justin asked. "There was a pitchfork back near where we saw the adder."

"A pitchfork?" Edsel asked, concerned.

"From a pine needle tree, technically. The smallest needles make tuning forks, the middle ones make pitchforks for farmers to use. and the largest make forks in the road. They are all sizes of pitchforks, really."

(Pun Count: 176) They run into a demon centaur, which chases after them. They head onto a river, and it doesn't follow, but shouts that they'll be sorry.

quote:

Now Edsel saw creatures standing between the trees that lined the hall. They had the lower portions of men and the upper portions of bulls. They looked ferocious, but they weren't moving. "What are those?" he asked.

"I think they're hall minotaurs," Breanna replied. "They keep order in halls, but I hear that folk seldom like the order they keep."

(Pun Count: 177) As they head on, the trees get thicker, and horrible, ugly people grab onto the boat.

quote:

"Who arc you?" Ted asked a horrendous male face as it drew up over the rim.

"E Coli," the face answered.

Edsel didn't like the sound of that.

"Who are you?" Monica asked a disreputable female face.

"Salmon Ella."

The sound of that was no better. But could his talent help? Edsel leaned over E Coli. How did his talent work? Did he have to touch, or speak?

Then Coli heaved himself up and sprawled half in the boat. Edsel put both hands out to push him back, recoiling at the touch.

And the man turned green and lumpy, and fell away. What had happened?

"Great," Ted said. "You turned him into Broc Coli!" Now Salmon Ella hauled herself into the boat. Edsel pushed her hack. She turned into a sleek fish and fell away. "Ella's a salmon," Monica said.

(Pun Count: 180)

quote:

So that was how his talent worked, in true Xanthian fashion. The dark path lay right under an innocent looking tree, beyond which was open water and light. "Don't go there!" Justin called, and the boat veered to the side, crashing through brush. "Why not?" Edsel asked. "It's a captivi tree." Oh. Of course Justin knew his trees.

(Pun Count: 181) They make it through and Breanna gets the kids to take a nap.

quote:

"You do now," Breanna said. She unfolded one of the stored blankets and draped it over them. It was decorated with pictures of tires.

[...]

Then, to Edsel's surprise, the two children settled immediately into nap mode. "What kind of blanket is that?" he asked.

"It's a tire."

"It's attire?"

"A tire. It makes children tired." She shook her head. "I must confess, at times the Adult Conspiracy is convenient."

(Pun Count: 182) They check in via the Ear.

quote:

"Oh, look�Siamese triplets," Breanna said, pointing to the shore.

"Wha?" Then he saw them: three identical cats.

(Pun Count: 183)

quote:

But they had not escaped cleanly. One of the monsters had poked a hole in the boat. Water was leaking in, forming bilge. Edsel looked for a cup or container to dip it out. The leak wasn't large, but it could not be ignored.

Then a water creature swam toward them. It dived under the boat. Suddenly the leak slopped. It had been closed up or patched over, and now the hull was tight. The swimming creature must have done it.

"What was that thing?" Edsel asked.

"A seal, of course," Breanna answered.

(Pun Count: 184)

quote:

Now they made good progress upriver. "Was there some reason we didn't travel on the river before?" Edsel asked.

"Maybe Justin knows." Breanna lifted her voice and called to the from end of the boat. "Why didn't we use the river before?"

"The rapids," Justin called back. "And the slows."

Edsel worked it out: the rapids would be too fast for comfort, and the slows would be too slow. Everything made sense, in its fashion.

(Pun Count: 186) A storm rises around them, hurling brains at them.

quote:

"What kind of storm is this?" he demanded.

"A brainstorm, silly." Breanna said. "I hate them." He could understand why. Only in Xanth!

(Pun Count: 187)

quote:

The grade steepened, and the temperature dropped. They had to wrap blankets around them to stay warm, because they had forgotten to get better clothing. Justin and Pia shared a blanket in front, and Edsel and Breanna shared one in back. The two demon children did not seem affected by the cold.

"I wonder whether we should change partners," Edsel murmured. "No, I don't think you two men would want to share a blanket." But Breanna's brown face was serious: she was concerned. Pia was a mighty fetching figure of a woman.

"For what it's worth," he said. "I know Pia. She goes for what she wants, and there's not a romantic bone in her body unless she chooses to put it there. She wants information, not Justin."

"And he's thrilled to a convert to the interest of trees." she agreed. "I guess I don't have reason to be jealous. It's just my nature." Then she turned to him. "Maybe they should be jealous of us."

She asks him to show her groping, and Edsel refuses awkwardly. She claims she was just teasing.

quote:

"Awww." Ted's voice came. "Aren't you going to even goose her. like this?" He reached under Monica's skirt.

"Eeeee!" Monica screamed, sailing high into the air.

Then they both dissolved into laughter. They must have rehearsed that little charade. Obviously they did know something of the secrets of the Adult Conspiracy, and thought they were hilarious. Edsel was abruptly glad for another reason that he had not done anything with Breanna, aside from her age and commitment to her fianc�. He had not realized how closely they were being watched.

They find they're in the area the illusion had showed, and a demon claims to be responsible for the melt.

quote:

The demon swelled another size. "I am the Demon CoTwo, and I like warming air. I hate ice and snow."

(Pun Count: 188)

quote:

CoTwo expanded another notch "You dare to question me, you burned up urchin? I mean to abolish all cold air in Xanth. starting with the coldest. That is here. After all the snow and ice is gone. I will look for other ice to melt, until the whole land is warm."

Breanna yells at CoTwo and says they'll stop him, though she's not sure how. CoTwo blows them downriver.

quote:

The adults shared a sigh as they helped right the boat and then dragged themselves out of the water. At least they had found out what was causing the problem of rising water. What they would be doing about it was a work still in progress.

Pun Count: 188 by the end of Chapter 7.

# ? Apr 9, 2014 21:42

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Mors Rattus posted:

People are linking this thread? Huh.

Someone (jokingly?) compared Rich Burlew to Piers Anthony in the OoTS thread, and one or two people asked who he was, so I linked this thread. I don't know if it was my link specifically that brought him here, though.

# ? Apr 9, 2014 22:23

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Piers Anthony posted:

She was a cute kid, and nicely formed.

Sentences that should never exist, brought to you by one Mr. Piers An-

Piers Anthony posted:

She had a very white smile in the subdued light of the illusion castle.

OH MY GOD

# ? Apr 9, 2014 22:44

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Not to mention:

Piers Anthony posted:

But there was absolutely no prospect of a romantic association there, and he had never had much to do with girls who were not romantic prospects.

Piers describes himself and his male characters in one sentence.

The corollary, of course, being that if he writes about them they're romantic prospects. :pervert:

# ? Apr 10, 2014 07:07

Hipster Occultist: Aug 16, 2008; _{He's an ancient, obscure god. You probably haven't heard of him.}

Speedball posted:

Just discovered this thread because someone linked to it elsewhere. I've still quite a ways to go and I don't remember this at all either! 13-year-old me must have been a goddamn moron.

His writing is more insidious than the Serpent of Eden, its unreal seeing all of this creepy poo poo that just completely sailed over my head years ago.

I mean poo poo I kind of want to invent a time machine just so I can smack the book out of younger me's hands.

# ? Apr 10, 2014 09:10

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

Nihilarian posted:

Someone (jokingly?) compared Rich Burlew to Piers Anthony in the OoTS thread, and one or two people asked who he was, so I linked this thread. I don't know if it was my link specifically that brought him here, though.

It was!

I only ever read the first three books in this series back in the day, though I also vaguely remember one which involves a guy whose power is protesting things who hooks up with a bronze girl. Which one in the series is that?

# ? Apr 11, 2014 05:55

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Speedball posted:

It was!

I only ever read the first three books in this series back in the day, though I also vaguely remember one which involves a guy whose power is protesting things who hooks up with a bronze girl. Which one in the series is that?

That would be Vale of the Vole.

The first 3 are the least bad of the series, if only because every book in this series is somehow even worse than the previous books. Vale of the Vole is book #10.

# ? Apr 11, 2014 06:22

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

I'll give him this, Anthony isn't too bad at coming up with puzzles. They're often kind of simplistic but at least he doesn't recycle them. The magic is usually pretty consistent.

# ? Apr 11, 2014 21:34

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 8. Pia is annoyed at being wet.

quote:

Well, she had never been one to mope ineffectively. "We need a fire, a tent, and food," she said. "Then we can strip and dry our clothes while we eat in comfort."

"I can find some fireweed," Justin said.

(Pun Count: 189)

quote:

"I can make a tent from the blankets," Edsel said.

"I can roust out some chocolate spiders." Breanna said, peering into the darkness.

(Pun Count: 190) Pia finds the spiders gross.

quote:

"No, but�" She realized that she was in danger of looking like a squeamish female. It was true; she was plenty squeamish about bugs and other noxious notions, but she didn't like admitting it. Maybe someone else would balk at eating spiders, and then she could safely do so too. "Okay. I'll make a hearth."

Everyone gets busy making camp.

quote:

Justin returned with the fireweed. This was dull green stuff. But when he laid it in the hearth and said "Fire," it burst into brightly colored flame. The light radiated out, blessedly warm.

Then Breanna returned with an armful of dark brown leggy substance. It was hard to tell where she left off and it began. Pia forced herself to look. And smell. It was chocolate in the shape of spiders. Oh. She was glad she hadn't made a scene about that.

Then one of the spidei legs moved. Pia stifled a scream. "Oops. I got a live one." Breanna said. She picked it up and carried it to the fringe of the glade. "They slough off their old skins as they grow, and those are pure chocolate. But I wouldn't care to eat a live one."

Pia decides that being in wet clothes is bad and decides to fix it.

quote:

She would have to lake the initiative. "Let me make sure I understand." she said, standing up. "The Adult Conspiracy decrees that no child shall hear any bad words or see panties. Is that right?"

"That is correct," Justin agreed.

"And no child shall be told or shown the secret of summoning storks."

"Correct." But he looked a little nervous, as if distrusting what she was leading up to.

"Well, none of us will be doing any of those things," Pia said. "But we do need to clean and dry our clothing. So I am going go wash mine." She reached under her blouse and unfastened her bra. Then she drew blouse and bra off together.

Naturally both men stared at her bare upper torso. But no undergarment had been shown, so they did not freak out. Of course she knew from her subterranean experience with Justin that bras alone did not do it, but she didn't care to speak of that. The children looked also, but immediately went back to eating chocolate; there was nothing interesting to see.

Pia removed her shoes, then drew down her skirt and panties together. The eyeballs of the two men expanded by five percent, and their jaws dropped by a similar amount, but again no undergarment had been exposed. There was no freak-out, and the children remained bored.

Seriously? Whatever. Breanna strips, too, followed by the men. Vore shows up, ogles the girls and takes the kids, who will be visiting someone named Robota the next day.

quote:

"However, we have a small problem," he continued. "We have just two tents, and while Edsel and Pia can share one for warmth�"

Time to stifle this. "The Conspiracy frowns on stork summoning when one of the parties is under eighteen," Pia said. "But I don't believe it says anything about sharing warmth. Does it?"

"Ah. no. but�"

"So until your clothing is dry, you had better stay close to Breanna. For warmth, after you both have suffered a chill. This is merely routine common sense."

Breanna drags Justin off.

quote:

Edsel joined her in the other tent, and closed off the ends. "Sometimes I think I could get to like your style." he said, "if I didn't already love you."

"Shut up and warm me," she said. But she was pleased. Their tacit deal required her to make him deliriously happy for the night, and she knew exactly how to do that, and was doing it now, but sometimes she liked doing it better than other times. She appreciated his recognition of the way she had solved the problem of wet clothing.

He spoiled it by only one comment. "I wish I could win you back."

"We're not yet out of Xanth." she replied, hinting that his ploy was not yet lost. But it was a mere courtesy: she still intended to divorce him after this was over. Then she would see about studying Mundane environmentalism. Justin was a continuing font of information and insight into all things natural, but the things here were mostly magical. She would need to learn the non-magic variants.

"Poor Justin," he said. "He can't do this, and he wants to so much."

"Maybe I can educate him." For she could say things to the man that Breanna could not. Because despite her sixteen year old body, she was not sixteen, and there was precious little the Adult Conspiracy had left to show her.

Sixteen: she loved being physically sixteen again. The merest twitch of this body could make a man flip.

She twitched. Edsel flipped. Ah. there was true power. He was completely unable to resist her. And with the magic of this land, she could freak him out whenever she wanted to just by putting on the right bit of clothing. He thought he was having his will of her, but she was having her will of him making him perform with desperate enthusiasm, thinking every notion was his own. How little he knew! How little men ever knew.

In due course Edsel wore himself out, and she was able to relax. She had not thought to bring any Mundane stork signal interrupters, but there were other ways, if she were unlucky. And it did guarantee Edsel's complete cooperation on the quest.

She wondered idly what it would be like to seduce Justin. She could surely do it, if she chose. But it would not be ethical, and with her appreciation of the need to save the trees had come an appreciation of the rules of that game. Strictly hands off the Companions. Anyway, Breanna was her friend.

Still, it had been fun making both men stare. She did not merely love this, she actually reveled in this sixteen year old physique, and wanted to show it off while she had it. Once she returned to Mundania, she would revert to her real body. That one was not as good, her necessary consumption of sugar to counterbalance the insulin shots, had led to some weight gain. If this body was a 10, that one was an 5, and descending. But maybe she would now have the stamina to do the dieting and exercise required to whip it back into shape, working around her condition.

In the morning, Pia gets dressed and wonders what panties would do on a mannequin, since she accidentally freaks Justin out. She asks Justin about whether it's really wrong to gently caress a sixteen-year-old, and points out that Breanna almost got raped last year and had to fight Ralph off despite the Conspiracy, so there's no magical enforcement against statutory rape.

quote:

"I do. She did need to fight him off. Which means that aspect is not magically enforced. Some things can be done, but not spoken of, such as natural functions�which this happens to be." She couldn't identify the flavor of pie. "What kind is this?"

"Brownberry. Similar to blackberry, but less so. and with a mocha flavor." Then he returned to the other subject. "But surely it must be enforced, because�"

(Pun Count: 191)

quote:

"Because it is enforced in every other respect. Maybe you are right. In which case, you don't need to worry. Next time you are with her, don't hold back. The Conspiracy will stop you." She decided that there was indeed a hint of chocolate and coffee flavor in the pie.

He was clearly nonplused. "But suppose�"

"Suppose it doesn't. Then it must be because it doesn't apply to two people who are knowledgeable and willing, and who love each other. At least when both are at least sixteen. Doesn't that make sense?"

Justin accepts Pia's advice, tentatively.

quote:

She had finished her pie. She was satisfied, she had set out to educate him, and might have done Breanna a considerable favor in the process. It was quid pro quo: Pia was monopolizing Justin by day, so she was enhancing him for Breanna by night.

Breanna gets up, heads out naked and gets dressed. Then they plan to head to Humfrey's castle. They check in via the Ear, and find that Nimby and Chlorine have not. They also find that Para has lost some toes.

quote:

Justin looked around. "No wonder," he said, advancing on a patch of milky white weeds. "You walked over lack toes. It's extremely intolerant. Even a protective spell may not suffice to counter it."

(Pun Count: 192)

quote:

"And if we had been walking, we'd be lacking toes too," Breanna said, shuddering. "We must help Para get his toes back."

Especially considering that riding in the boat was an awful lot easier than walking. But Pia kept her mouth shut; it wasn't a worthy thought. "Doesn't Xanth have healing springs?" Edsel asked. "Yes, but none close by here," Justin said. "However, I believe there is a quack doctor in the area."

(Pun Count: 193) They find a man named Don to ask for directions.

quote:

"I am Don. My talent is�"

"Yes, of course. Do know where the quack doctor is?" Then she stopped to stare.

For a young woman now stood where the man had been. She wore a shirt that was tight across the front, and trousers that were tight across the hack. "Changing gender at will." she said. "That's his story. I am Dot."

(Pun Count: 194)

quote:

The man reappeared, with the clothing losing its spots of tightness. His hair was tied back in a ponytail that could have applied to either gender. "Yes. I do know where the quack doctor lives. That's her story. Right this way."

(Pun Count: 195)

quote:

"History�herstory," Edsel murmured as they followed. "I get it�I think."

"I guess she can see his story, and he can see hers," Breanna said. "No battle of the sexes there."

"But it does give new meaning to the term gender-bender," Edsel said. He would.

Of course.

quote:

They followed Dot/Don along another path. Pia verified that the person's clothing did not change with the gender; it was a unisex outfit that filled out in different regions according to the body beneath it. Probably a tunic would have been better, because it was more naturally pliable. She wondered what it would be like if Don/Dot wore no clothing. Edsel's eyes would inflate at sight of the woman, and deflate at sight of the man. What kind of a romantic life would such a person have?

They pass some reverse wood, and find that it has been aging backwards. They find the quack doctor - a man named Owen Cossaboon, who is a Mundane and has no magic. He calls his daughter, Sharon, who uses her magic to heal Para's toes.

quote:

"Yes, but it's not much. I can heal only other folk's injuries," Sharon said. "A few drops of healing elixir could do the same." She picked up another foot.

However, Sharon can't heal anything local, due to the reverse wood trees. Anything that's eaten something near them can't be healed by her magic. They head on.

quote:

They moved out. Pia had to admit it to herself: Xanth was getting to her. She liked it, and she liked the people she was encountering here. It was Edsel who had made the deal to get her here, in the hope that it would change her mind about their marriage. She had deemed that a forlorn hope of his, but his chances no longer seemed quite as remote. If she could just keep her nice body�but of course this wasn't really her body. It was a borrowed body, better than her own.

They reach the Gap and start exploring, hunting for the bridge.

quote:

"They are excellent, but not for eating," he said. "Those are thimble-berries, useful for sewing." He picked one. showing how it was hollow and fit over the tip of the finger.

Then she saw what looked like pies growing, except that they had projections on the sides. "How about those?"

"Now that's interesting," he said. "Those are the very first of that variety I have seen in Xanth. I know them only from a description. They are Pie & Ears. Note the ears on the sides."

So that was what they were. "Are they edible?"

"Oh, yes. certainly. But best to stay with the ones with ears."

"Why?" she asked, picking one without looking.

"Because when they have legs, they�"

She looked. A pair of legs hung down from the one she held. Suddenly the legs moved. Alarmed, she dropped it�and the pie ran away into the brush. "They run away," she said, understanding.

"Yes. Or�"

She was picking one with a smiley face on its surface. She lifted it to her opening mouth. The pie's eyes went round and its mouth formed an O of horror.

(Pun Count: 197) A flock of harpies show up to stare at Edsel and Justin.

quote:

"Beware," Justin cried. "We have found a nest of sting-rays."

"You're bluffing." a harpy screeched. She hovered, evidently about to fly at him. Pia wasn't sure what the dirty bird would do when she reached him, but strongly suspected he wouldn't like it. Any more than the average girl liked being sexually harassed by men.

"Perceive it for yourselves," Justin said, gesturing at a large glowing hive.

The harpies retreated. Evidently this was an effective threat.

"What's a sting-ray?" Pia asked, knowing that it would not be the same as the sea creatures she knew of.

"A crossbreed between a bee and a sun ray." he explained. "They sting with laser beams, so can't be readily avoided. An aroused nest is a thing devoutly to be fled." He stood by the nest, holding a stick.

(Pun Count: 198) They decide to make a deal with the harpies to cross the Gap. They ask for kisses in return, but are haggled down.

quote:

The dirty birds reconsidered. "We're going to the cir-cuss." one screeched. "But it moved and we can't find it."

(Pun Count: 199) Justin agrees to direct them to it when they are carried across. We also get a brief explanation of Stanley Steamer. (Pun Count: 200)

quote:

"It is a long story. Briefly, he was youthenized when they met, and they became friends."

"Is that euphemized or euthanized?"

(Pun Count: 201) They run into a problem.

quote:

"We hit a wall," a harpy screeched.

"In the air?" Pia demanded.

"A wall of air. We're trying to fly around it."

"I know of a couple called Waller and Wallette," Justin said. "They build walls, and their daughter Wallnut makes wallpaper. But I hardly think they would be working up here."

(Pun Count: 205)

quote:

"Now I think I know what it is," Justin said. "It's an air compressor. The walls of air squeeze things between them, and drop them into the Gap."

"Now he tells us!" a harpy screeched. "What can we do?"

"Drop down as it squeezed out." Justin suggested. "Then fly again when free of it."

(Pun Count: 206) They escape.

quote:

The wind of the harpies� wings dislodged a small object rolling along the brink. It dropped down into the boat and danced about as if hyperactive. It looked like a small tin can. "What's this?" Pia asked, for the moment distracted from the menace of the looming cliff lace.

Breanna looked. "Oh. that's a teenage can."

"A what?"

"You know, a canteen. Throw it back."

(Pun Count: 207) Justin explains the Good Magician's Castle. We also learn that harpies are mostly immune to the Adult Conspiracy. Justin directs them to the cir-cuss.

quote:

"But I'm adult, and I can't say bleep."

"You have the body of a sixteen year old girl, which may affect you. and you are in the presence of a true sixteen year old, so can't speak with complete freedom."

Pia nodded. She had been speaking rhetorically, having already caught on to this particular idiocy. It made a certain nonsensical sense, but she still preferred to argue the case.

"But I've been telling you how to test the limits of the Conspiracy. Why am I not stopped from doing that?"

"The Conspiracy is very literal. To a considerable degree, words are more important than actions. So there are things you can do but not speak."

He was echoing what she had told him that morning, perhaps having forgotten in his distraction. So she argued the opposite case. "That's ludicrous! Actions have to be more important than words."

"Breanna shares your sentiment. She feels that the Adult Conspiracy is a vestige of idiotic misguided censorious foolishness. But it has the staying power of almost universal acceptance, so can't be ignored."

"For sure," she said, smiling. He had now almost openly questioned the validity of the conspiracy. Breanna would follow that up with a vengeance, tonight.

Justin reminesces about Zombie Lover and mentions Mare Imbri so I'll count her name pun. Also, the dream catcher. (Pun Count: 209) They approach the castle and spot a moat monster. Breanna likes moat monsters, because they're classics. Which she apparently likes more than new things?

quote:

"I wish we had a handbook with instructions," Pia said.

Edsel reached out to pick something up. "Maybe this is it."

She looked. It was a book�made of hands. There was no print in it. She opened her mouth.

(Pun Count: 210)

quote:

"I know," Edsel said quickly, setting the book down. "Sick joke. Can't read it. I guess it makes me an ill literate."

(Pun Count: 211)

quote:

Para advanced toward the bridge. But then a barrier of sorts appeared It seemed to be a low table with plates and bread set on it. The butter knives were yellow. In fact they seemed to be made of butter. That figured.

(Pun Count: 212) They decide to experiment. They find the bread is not for eating.

quote:

The things on the table came to him. Rolls of assorted types and sizes walked to the center of the table. Then one sprouted hands and picked up a little pastry cowboy hat. putting it on. The bread strutted around in the manner of a tough cowboy. A second one picked up a fancy lady's hat, preening. A third found a crown, and started lording it over the other bread.

[...]

"These breads are playing a game." he said carefully. "A roll-playing game."

(Pun Count: 213)

quote:

It was true. The bread was inert again, without arms or legs. Edsel�s stupid comment must have satisfied a requirement.

But the table remained. "It must be my turn," Pia said. She sat down by the table, folding her legs carefully under her so as not to show more than was proper She reached for a roll.

It rolled away. Was that a pun�a roll rolling? So she put out both hands, attempting to corral another one. It sprouted legs and ran away before she could catch it.

"All right," she said, "What are you for?"

The bread came to life. One roll picked up some cloth and draped it around itself. It walked across the table, turned with flair, and walked back. Then another took the cloth and walked the same way, with exaggerated steps.

"It's almost sexy," Edsel said.

"Don't be coarse," But his crude remark triggered a revelation. "They are models," she said. "Roll models."

(Pun Count: 215) Now they can pass.

quote:

"I think that did it," Breanna said. "You each figured out one of the buns. I mean puns. Now we can eat the bread." She picked up a roll and took a bite from it. There was no protest.

(Pun Count: 216) They eat, then find the monster still stops them crossing. They realize someone has to distract it so someone else can cross, and decide to leave Para to be the last distraction and thus not enter the castle proper. They find, however, that it doesn't work. The thing doesn't care about Para or anyone but the person crossing. Breanna and Justin offer to play distraction while Edsel and Pia race across. They decide to try it.

quote:

"I�" she hesitated, not at all sure this was worth the risk. Then a bulb flashed before her face. "I get it! It's another pun. The human race."

(Pun Count: 217) They cross, and the others join them easily, as they aren't challengers. They now find there's a wall around the castle with many doorways and a bunch of piers. They find a centaur with a bow and a man with a spear blocking the first door they try. The man is Christopher Christopher and the centaur is Cy Clone. (Pun Count: 218)

quote:

She rejoined Edsel. "There seems to be a man or centaur blocking each passage. They look the same, but I'm not sure they are."

"Right. They don't talk the same. Maybe they're twins or triplets."

They check each door.

quote:

She met Edsel on the far side. "All blocked," she said. "More men than centaurs."

"Christopher throughout," he said. "Cy Centaur and Cy Clone, the mean one."

They circle around again.

quote:

They circled together, back the way she had come. When they came to a man/centaur combination, Pia stayed to talk with them, putting on her winsome air and holding their attention. She had always been good at this sort of thing, and with her lovely sixteen year old face and figure, she was better, because she knew exactly how to use these assets. She had never tried fascinating a centaur before, but they had enough human attributes to be subject to some wiles. She smiled, she moved her hips, she gushed over their masculine appeal, she lifted a leg to adjust her shoe, and leaned well forward, showing just enough thigh and breast to guarantee continued attention. It was a science that worked well enough in the land of magic.

They realize what's going on as Edsel uses Pia's distraction to try another door.

quote:

"Clones!" he repealed, catching on. "One centaur, one man, but they can send clones out to intercept any doorway. They might be illusions, looking and sounding just like the originals."

"But they certainly seemed solid." Pia said. "We could walk right through illusions, but I wouldn't want to try it with solid folk."

"For sure," he agreed with a third of a smile. "I'll bet the clones cover every portal instantly, then the solid originals come to replace them as we talk. That way. just two can block a hundred entrances."

"So when we see both together, and talk with them, they become the originals?" she asked.

[...]

"Then how were we able to talk to both, in two different places, simultaneously?"

He looked at her. "Sometimes I think you're not a complete idiot." That was his way of saying that she had caught him in an error.

"And sometimes I think you're not completely ugly," she said, returning tit for tat. "But how do we rise to the challenge?"

"There has to be a way." he said "I think that if we could fix the two originals in one place, we could walk right through the two clones elsewhere. Because they can't really he in two places at one time. Only the illusion clones can zip instantly to new doors."

[...]

"I wonder," she said, getting into the problem. She was exercising her intellect, and Edsel wasn't disparaging it. She liked that. She had never been known or valued for her mind, limited as it was. "You know those old cartoons, where only the person who is speaking or doing something is animated, and the others are just still pictures? Could they be like that? So we can tell who's the clone?"

"Pia. I'd kiss you, except that you wouldn't like it by daylight."

He meant when she wasn't honoring their deal, giving him everything at night in return for his complete support by day. Part of what turned her off was his clear superiority of brain. But now they were thinking together "I�d like it now." she said.

He was wary. "What's different now?"

"You're treating me like an equal."

He laughed�then quickly sobered, realizing that it wasn't a joke. "Have I been a fool all this time?"

"Tit for tat. You wanted the one without giving the other."

"For sure." he agreed, without any trace of a smile.

She waited, and after a moment he embraced her and kissed her. He didn't try to grab a feel. She gave back, making him melt.

He released her. "Oh, Pia�"

She liked him a lot better this way. Her emotion was stirring, after being in remission for some time. She had always known that her body was her main appeal, but she didn't like being considered only a body. However, this was not the time to get into this. "We have a challenge to surmount."

"More than one," he said. He reoriented. "One original, one clone, for each door. Which one were you talking to?"

She focused on the memory of her recent dialogue. Now she realized something she hadn't noticed at the time. "The man, Christopher. He reacted, he talked. The centaur just stood there. I thought he was reacting, but now I realize he was just there."

"You adjusted your shoe?" He was of course well familiar with the move, and loved it. Sometimes she thought he would rather sneak a peek under her skirt than see her all the way naked.

"Yes. I think my panty showed at one point, but they didn't freak out."

"They must be immune, for the purpose of this challenge. The Good Magician must have had lovely girls try that dodge before, to get past male defenders.

Edsel, meanwhile, had Cy Centaur, who he distracted with science talk. They realize the two can focus in on what the clones see and hear, so if they can find the originals, bring them close and anchor them with distractions, they can get past via another door. Pia can distract Christopher, while Edsel uses science to distract Cy.

quote:

They stepped close to the still figures. "Hello. Chris." Pia said, opening her blouse. She saw that she had his immediate attention.

"Cy. I want to tell you about quantum theory," Edsel said, earnestly meeting the centaur's fixed gaze. "It has some fascinating properties. I had thought the theory of relativity was challenging, with its insistence that nothing could exceed the speed of light in a vacuum, and its permutations of time in gravity, but quantum physics is truly weird. Almost like magic."

The gazes of both man and centaur remained fixed. They were still clones.

Pia stepped forward, slowly removing her blouse. She saw that Edsel didn't look, because the moment he did, he would lose his thread of dialogue. She liked that too Peripheral vision was more than enough. Meanwhile, he continued talking, doing his part.

"You see. Cy, according to quantum theory, you can't know both the position and the velocity of a given particle. The mere act of looking changes things. So if you take a snapshot, as it were, and fix its position, it is impossible to know its velocity. Sort of like a clone not moving if you know where it is. Isn't that weird?"

"Absolutely fascinating." Cy said, unmoving.

Meanwhile Pia was nudging forward, in a kind of dance step that made the upper contour of her bosom Jiggle. There was a certain art to the effect. Christopher remained fixed.

"Another quantum effect." Edsel continued, "is that two particles separating from a common source are linked. If something happens to one. it also happens to the other, though there is no seeming connection between them. Docs this make sense to you?"

"Amazing." Cy said, without animation.

Pia, having used up about as much of her top as she cared to, hiked up her skirt, showing increasing amounts of leg. The man's eyes remained riveted, though nothing else moved. He was still the clone, seeing what the clone saw. but not there physically.

"It makes sense if you have that when you measure a property of one particle, you are actually choosing between realities. Selecting the universe wherein both particles are the same. New universes are thus constantly fissioning off. It's a mind-bending concept. They are now making quantum machines that can do calculations much faster than anything else," Edsel continued. "They are very good at probabilities. But the boundary between the realm of quantum effects and that of the ordinary world we know remains elusive. Still, study continues. Relativity relates to gravity, while quantum theory relates to the other three fundamental forces of the universe. Some day it may be possible to combine them into one great Theory of Everything. Perhaps the Superstring theory will accomplish that."

"Did you say four forces, total?" Cy asked.

Pia was now passing Chris. She was up to her panty line, but as they had conjectured, he was not freaked out. She did however have his whole attention. She wiggled her bottom.

"Yes, of course," Edsel agreed. "Gravity, the weak atomic force, the strong nuclear force, and the electromagnetic force."

"But what about the fifth force?"

"What fifth force?"

"Magic."

She was past Chris. Edsel was now largely past the centaur. "Oh. I meant the forces of Mundania. They don't know about magic there."

They get past the guards and make it through.

quote:

So he had been genuinely confused, rather than making one of his sharp remarks. She liked that as well. She stepped into him and kissed him. "You did well."

"So did you. I didn't dare look. I would have freaked out."

Exactly. "Let's go ask the Question."

Pun Count: 217 by the end of Chapter 8.

# ? Apr 16, 2014 21:41

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

They both do the same job, but the man uses his brain and the woman uses her sex appeal. Of course.

# ? Apr 16, 2014 22:37

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 9. Chlorine is riding the motorcycle with Nimby.

quote:

Chlorine rode behind Nimby on the Lemon cycle. enjoying it. He was quite competent now, and obeyed all the obscure signs and signals of the road. Dug and Kim drove their car behind, there to come to the rescue if there were any problem. Exactly as Justin and Breanna would be traveling with the real Edsel and Pia through Xanth, keeping wary eyes out for mischief. Indeed there was mischief to avoid, because the drivers of other cars all seemed to believe that the whole road belonged only to them, and that all others were illicit intruders. They honked their horns and nudged in too close at high speed and made hand signals that Chlorine discovered related to stork signaling in a negative manner. But Nimby, forewarned, ignored them and stayed out of their way. That seemed to satisfy them; they roared on by. Kim had said there was something called a speed limit, but Chlorine must have misunderstood, because no vehicle on the road was honoring any possible limit.

They were traveling north to the Apple-aching Mountains, where they could see the sights and camp for the night. Dug and Kim had camping equipment in their car. But the first night they would stay at a motel, so as to be able to find the best place in the mountains the next morning.

(Pun Count: 218) They stop at a motel for the night. However, they find that the O-Xone is unavailable when they go to check in, and assume it's an internet problem.

quote:

They went to the eatery. It was shaped like a vehicle called a bus, but was larger. Signs all around proclaimed the wares. They got really weird long sandwiches called submersibles, stuffed with every kind of oddity. But they tasted good enough.

(Pun Count: 219) However, nothing is fixed when they're done. Dug assumes the server went down. However, Nimby thinks it's no coincidence. He thinks that Earth may be aware of his presence and is trying to trap them.

quote:

"Just what form would a confinement-to-Mundania contest take?" Dug asked. "I mean, it can hardly go on forever. There must be some limit."

"Three days after the challenge is made. The demon E(A/R)th would seek to hold Nimby that time, and Nimby would have to return to Xanth within that time, or lose."

"What would that do to Nimby?"

"A Demon can't be physically hurt, but it would prevent him from defending his status among Demons, and that would be a penalty sacrificing what has taken him a thousand years to achieve. The Demon E(A/R)th would assume his status and become the�the closest analogy would be the leader�of the Demons."

"I thought I had this figured out, but maybe not." Dug said "How far would the Demon E(A/R)th go to accomplish this?"

"We're not sure. It depends on his judgment of the likelihood of success. If he tries to trap Nimby, and fails, he would lose significant status himself. More than if he just lets Nimby escape without challenge. So he is likely to mask his effort, making it seem like chance mishaps, so that if he fails, there will be no consequence to him. He will play it that way until he discovers a better opportunity to succeed. Then, if assured of success, he will do what he judges necessary to accomplish it. That could be severe."

Earth can't use magic, and can't make people do things, but controls science, and therefore weather and earth processes. Hurricanes, earthquakes. He won't care about collateral damage.

quote:

"Got it," Dug said "So maybe this Xone interface problem isn't the Demon E(A/R)th�s work, but just in case it is, we need to explore our options. Are there other ways to return to Xanth?"

"Other than through the Grid and Mesh? I think so."

Nimby touched her hand. Information flowed from him. "And there are other ways within the Grid," Chlorine amended. "Those would be easier."

"Other ways?" Kim asked.

"Through the Xanth Xone." Chlorine said, assimilating Nimby's plan.

See, you can't pretend to be a Xanth person without the implicit consent of the real one, or it'll fail. Somehow.

quote:

"Hoo, boy." Dug said. "You mean there really is a connection between, say, the Xone Irene and Queen Irene?"

"A tenuous one. It's � " Chlorine concentrated, trying to handle a concept that was well within Nimby's scope but somewhat beyond hers. "Like quantity physicals, the Halloween connection between the two aspics of a dividend photo."

(Pun Count: 224) Dug tries instead.

quote:

"Got it." Dug said. "Like quantum physics, the "spooky" connection between the two aspects of a divided photon. What happens to one is reflected in the other, instantaneously, though there is no apparent association between them. Even Einstein had a problem with that, because�"

"Dug," Kim murmured.

He smiled. "Okay. The point is, there can be devious connections between two things having a common origin, such as bits of light or Queen Irene. The Xanth Xone folk associate with their Land of Xanth counterparts, but it's not direct."

Remember how Chlorine was made to be one of the smartest people in Xanth? Yeah, neither does Anthony.

quote:

"So they can't just say 'Better half, send help,' and have it understood," Kim said.

"Right." Dug agreed, for he now had the full import of Nimby's thought. "But in quantum physics, sometimes you can do on a mass scale what you can't do in a single instance. If many Xanth Xone equivalents send a message, some may get through."

"Like scattershot." Kim said. "Got it. So what's the message?"

"It has to be masked," Chlorine said. "So as not to be obvious, and thus alert Dearth."

"Who?" Kim asked.

"Sorry. Demon E(A/R)th, or D. Earth. We don't know whether he is watching the GigaGrid, but better not chance it. So it has to be something that isn't obvious, but will be understood in Xanth."

(Pun Count: 225)

quote:

"Okay," Kim said. "So what's the message?"

"To GM: Nimby eats dust." Chlorine said.

"To Giant Motors? What do they?" Kim paused. "The Good Magician. I get it. But is that enough?"

(Pun Count: 226) The message means that Nimby is in trouble but needs magic dust so he can use magic in Mundania.

quote:

"Got it." Kim said, echoing Dug's comment. "Let's get the message out." She typed in the address, and made her way to the Xanth Xone, doing it for Chlorine because she was much faster. This is Salmon Ella with a public message, non spam, for all Xanth Xone regs. Please send these four words to your namesakes only: "GM�Nimby eats dust." She looked up. "Anything else?"

"Better clarify that it isn't done via the keyboard," Dug said.

"Oh. Yes." She typed again. This is afk effort.

"Will they understand?" Chlorine asked anxiously.

"We'll have to hope they do," Kim said "We can't clarify it online, because that could alert Dearth, but they'll be discussing it privately, and a number should catch on and spread the word. Then they'll go to it with a will. What each wants most is to have a genuine contact with Xanth. They should enjoy making the effort, even if they don't get through."

"How will we know they're doing it?" Chlorine asked.

Kim laughed. "No problem there. They're already doing it. Look." She turned the screen so that Chlorine and Nimby could see it.

Mela Merwoman: I sent it. I think I got through.

Electra: I tried; don't think so.

Draco Dragon: We winged monsters are taking off.

Chlorine: Couldn't make contact. Will try again. :-)

"That's me!" Chlorine said, with a mixed thrill.

"That's why she couldn't gel through." Kim said. "You're not in Xanth at the moment."

"Yes. So she's honest What's that punctuation?"

"You read it sideways. It's a face. The colon is the two eyes, the dash is the nose, and the end-parenthesis is the mouth."

"Oh, it's smiling!"

"Yes." Kim said. "They can smile, or frown, or make variant expressions Some get pretty sophisticated. It's a way of conveying emotions in lieu of the facial expressions we can't see. What this means is that they are getting on it, and word is spreading."

They realize that Earth will be aware of what's going on soon, but won't be able to stop everyone because the internet is too big.

quote:

Nimby touched Chlorine. "Actually he could shut it down." she said. "Because electrical effects are part of his power. But Nimby thinks he won't, because he can't be sure this isn't just a game similar to others the Xoners play, and there would be quite a reaction if the whole Grid collapsed. Dearth doesn't like to be obvious, any more than Nimby does; it's bad Demon form. He prefers to let the ants play out their antics on their own."

They then head on towards the mountains as planned. They watch a nature documentary on oceanic pollution and Chlorine asks about why people pollute.

quote:

"People are short sighted." Dug said "And corporations care for nothing but making more money. But folk are beginning to be aware, and things are starting to be done."

Nimby offers to get rid of Pia's insulin requirements, and Chlorine thinks that's a good idea.

quote:

Later, when they were alone and in their room, and she stripped away her clothing, she had another thought. "I wish panty-magic worked here in Mundania. It gives a girl confidence. For instance, I could just whip away my skirt, like this, and freak you out, unless you clamped your eyes shut just barely in time. But as it is. I can't impress you at all." She went through the motions, and sure enough, he did not freak out. Of course he wouldn't have, being who he was, but still, she would have liked to make the effort.

But she did after all make an impression, putting Nimby in mind of the stork, and this time their summons was more competent than before. That was an achievement, because drear Mundania did not enhance it by magic. They had to do it all themselves.

Next morning they rode out to the mountains, checked in as hikers, and set off with their loads of gear along the Apple-aching Trail. The scenery was beautiful, and every detail was special. It had resemblances to Xanth, except for the lack of magic. They had to use a special salve to keep the biting bugs off: there was no spell to banish them. There were no dragons, griffins, or harpies in the sky, only birds, and small ones at that.

(Pun Count: 227)

quote:

Late in the day they camped, pitching cozy mini-tents and watching the colored sunset. "I had forgotten how much fun this was." Kim remarked.

"I hadn't," Dug said. "It was the first time I got you into the sack."

"That, too." she agreed.

"Why would he want to put you in a bag?" Chlorine asked.

Dug and Kim laughed. "Mundane men have this quaint notion that women should be kept, so they try to stuff them into sacks." Kim explained.

"And for some reason the women don't like getting stuffed." Dug agreed. "It's called the war of the genders."

(Pun Count: 229) Kim gets out her laptop, which can work even out in the mountains because of battery power and a satellite uplink. They check in at the O-Xone without problem, then shut it off. In the night, a storm comes and collapses one of the tents, destroying the laptop with rainwater with eerie precision. Earth is beginning his move.

quote:

Nimby pointed at the sky. There overhead was a shape in rainbow colors, but it was no rainbow. It was a full circle, with two lines bisecting it, forming a cross.

"The symbol for Earth," Chlorine said. "It is the Challenge. Nimby must get out of Mundania within three days of this moment, or he has lost."

"And Dearth has already handicapped him by taking out our computer contact," Dug said. "Demonic timing."

"Of course. Now Dearth believes he can win."

"I think we are not going to enjoy the next few hours," Kim said. Those were surely true words.

Pun Count: 229 by the end of Chapter 9.

# ? Apr 23, 2014 17:27

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Mors Rattus posted:

Then Breanna returned with an armful of dark brown leggy substance. It was hard to tell where she left off and it began.

Really? Really? REALLY?!

Oh, and of course Pia thinks her sixteen-year-old body is mind-meltingly sexy and her adult body is dumpy and gross. Even though it's already been established that adult Pia is incredibly hot. Because Anthony.

# ? Apr 23, 2014 17:58

GoodyTwoShoes: Oct 26, 2013

Remember the stripping tutorial for spreadsheets back in chapter one? Well, Xanthony meets real life: https://codebabes.com/ where you can (maybe) learn coding from a stripping tutoress! There's still debate as to whether the site is a hoax or real, but the similar premise makes me wonder if the Code Babes tutor is named Pia.

(Thanks to the Museum of Hoaxes for giving me this dreadful news.)

# ? Apr 26, 2014 22:06

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 10 and Edsel. Edsel reflects that if he'd only ever realized Pia wanted respect for her mind, they'd never have had marital problems. Breanna and Justin join them inside Humfrey's castle, where they are met by Wira. Yadda yadda, she's blind, designated wives, etc. Rose is on duty this book. (Pun Count: 230)

quote:

They sat down to a meal of rose hips and rose wine, along with rose potatoes and red gravy. There was rose scented bread with rose petal jelly. It wasn't the most conventional food, but it was good. Rose was a good hostess who seemed genuinely to enjoy their company though they were strangers to her; that was an air not every person had.

(Pun Count: 234) Edsel and Pia go and see Humfrey. He tells them that they can't get rid of CoTwo and should ask another question.

quote:

"I don't care if if makes him explode," Pia said, sounding hysterical. "The trees are drowning, and we've got to save them."

Edsel stepped in. "Maybe I can finesse this," he said quietly to Pia. This came under the heading of supporting her completely. Then, to Humfrey "What she means is, there is a crisis we want very much to alleviate, and we hope you will be able to provide us a means. Is there some way we can accomplish our objective?"

The Good Magician oriented on him. The gnome's direct gaze was disconcertingly savvy. "Well put. What you require is the magic locket, which is one of the stray artifacts with imbued talents from the ancient city of Hinge. Hitherto only bracelets have shown up, but now so has the locket. Put the Demon CoTwo therein, and it will lessen his power sufficiently to eliminate the melting, without putting all Xanth into deep freeze."

You know, the random thing that the demon kids picked up. That poo poo is a vital artifact of power. Humfrey sends them on to Grey Murphy for their service.

quote:

They took seats on the large toadstools in the room. "We are supposed to see about our Service for our Answer," Edsel said. "But we can't stay in Xanth for a year, much as we might like to."

(Pun Count: 235) Grey assures them that their work will take only a day, but is vitally important and must be private and secret. They talk about the nature of temporal paradox and how in Xanth they can time travel. Grey needs to head back in time, but has to know if he alters the present.

quote:

"I must bore you with a bit of spot personal history," Grey said. "My father is Magician Murphy, who makes things go wrong. My mother is Sorceress Vadne, whose talent is topology. Several centuries ago Murphy tried to wrest the throne of Xanth from the legitimate king, for which he was retired to the Brain Coral's Pool for indefinite storage. Vadne resented Millie the Maid's appeal to the Zombie Master, and topologically converted her to a book. For this she too was banished to the Pool. During the Time of No Magic the two escaped Pool confinement and made a deal with Com Pewter: he enabled them to go to Mundania. where they could not be apprehended. But there was a price: they had to give their future child to Pewter, lor lifelong service. I am that child."

"But how could you be committed to such a thing?" Edsel asked. "You didn't even exist."

"People of honor fulfill their deals," Grey said. "Pewter performed a real service for my parents, that enabled them to live good lives in Mundania, and enabled me to exist. We recognize that debt."

"But people can't he traded for favors," Pia said.

Grey shrugged. "Those who feel that way should of course refuse to make such deals. But if they do make them, they should honor them."

[...]

"So you found a way to wiggle out of it." Pia said.

"Technically, yes. But I do feel I owe Pewter something. Hence our present agreement. I will perform a significant service for him, that only I can do, to make up for the service he lost. Because of the delicate nature of it, he is amenable to this, and will consider the deal my parents made to be complete."

This bullshit never stops. Anyway, what Grey has to do...

quote:

"I will conduct a creature of Pewter's creation to Xanth's past, so she can learn something Pewter wishes to know. The journey would be extremely difficult to accomplish without my assistance, because my talent of nullifying magic is necessary at some points. However�"

"You could change Pewter's past�and therefore his present," Edsel said, catching on. "You might even cause him not to exist."

Grey nodded. "This is not a mission a person would send an enemy on. As it is. I do feel I owe him a favor, and I am amenable to acquitting it in this manner. He knows he can trust me to do my best to accomplish it, without trying to nullify him. I have my own reasons to see that the present situation is maintained " He glanced at Ivy. who smiled back.

"How do we fit in?" Pia asked.

"We need to provide more background first," Ivy said.

"The danger of inadvertently changing the present is unavoidable," Grey said "I will not do so intentionally, but the effect could be just as severe if I made a mistake. But it will be very difficult to avoid that risk, because not only will I be in the past, where the consequences of my actions will not be immediately apparent, but when I return to the present, others may not believe that any change has occurred. So it probably will not be possible to correct it."

"I'd be extremely nervous," Pia said.

"I am. But this is a necessary risk, if I am to acquit my obligation. So we hope to establish a safeguard. We believe that though regular Xanthians will not be in a position to know whether any change has occurred, Mundanes who have no historical connection to Xanth may be more objective. They should be able to see any changes, because they are not affected."

[...]

"Com Pewter can set up a liaison, a mental connection between us, so that the two of you will be able to tune in on what the two of us in the past are doing. Then if you see Xanth changing around you, you can notify Pewter, who will send in another person to go to the past to try to change it back, or get me to change it back. If you see no change, we will know that I have succeeded in avoiding incidental mischief."

"And that reassurance is just as important," Edsel said. "To know you have succeeded cleanly."

"Yes. The consequences of failure would be no less horrendous for being unknown. Without that assurance, we couldn't risk the mission."

So, they agree to help.

quote:

"We will go to Pewter's cave, where he will use his power of reality alteration to establish a connection between the two of us and the two of you. You will be comfortable; in fact you will be able to walk around and talk with each other, as long as you remain with Pewter's sphere of influence. You will know whatever we do, as if you are seeing it yourselves."

"Even when you�have natural functions?" Pia asked distastefully.

"The other person, with whom you will identify, will not have natural functions," Grey said.

[...]

"She's a golem," Ivy said "Made of metal and cloth. Animated for a purpose, alive, conscious, but not fleshly. Her name is Robot A. We call her Robota."

(Pun Count: 236)

quote:

"Com Pewter is studying the processes of weather," Grey said. "He is vulnerable to electrical effects, such as lightning, and wishes to learn how to control them. Robota has been crafted to have the capacity to comprehend magical weather, but needs to observe it in action. There-fore she is to be sent to observe the Storm King, who governed Xanth before King Trent took over in the year 1042. He had great power over the weather, and she can learn more from him than perhaps any other person. Because talents do not repeat in exactly the same form, this is the only person who can show her this. So she will go there to study weather."

"You are risking Xanth's very history so that Pewter's golem can study weather?" Edsel asked.

"Weather is important to us all." Ivy said. "Now that Pewter is a nice machine, he will use the information for beneficial purposes "

"We could use some more information about hurricanes," Pia said. "They do millions of dollars worth of damage every year."

"Less so when there's an El Nino," Edsel said. "But that does other damage, and we understand it even less."

"Since our weather has magic components, it's more complicated." Ivy said. "So we do feel it's a worthy mission."

The reason their job is short is that they can fast forward. Their kids, Melody, Harmony and Rhythm, show up and use their magic to play an illusory toy castle into existence with their music. Edsel compliments them on it before it breaks.

quote:

All three little princesses tried to blush. All they achieved was patches of red on their foreheads, but surely that too would improve as they matured in body and talent.

Para takes them to Pewter's cave, with Ivy's help. On the way, they find a break in the path that Pia detects, watched over by a dragon. Grey scares it off and Ivy repairs the path.

quote:

The journey resumed. "This robot golem I'm to identity with." Pia said "Exactly who and what is she?"

"Robota," Grey answered. "This requires some background. Seven years ago, there was a Game of Companions, wherein two Mundanes visited, and one won a talent."

"I know," Pia said. "That was Kim. We know her."

"That was when Dug helped the Black Wave find a good place to settle in Xanth," Breanna said.

"Yes. in 1092. That game required considerable cooperation from a number of entities, among which was Com-Pewter. In exchange for that assistance, he was given a number of magical parts, from which he and his mouse Tristan assembled Robota. She is endowed by her creator with a portion of his magic ability to change local reality. She can do it only in relation to herself, however, and even so her power is limited. That might be considered her talent. She also has a remarkably analytical mind, oriented on weather, as she is a weather golem. This mission will be the completion of her training and education. Thereafter she will be to weather what Grundy Golem is to languages."

(Pun Count: 237)

quote:

"He was made from wood and string," Ivy said. "But later the Demon X(A/N)th made him real, and he married Rapunzel. Their child, Surprise, can do almost any magic once�and only once. Grundy is a translation golem, so he can speak to and understand any living creature, including insects and plants. It would put him in contention for Magician status, if he were a man."

(Pun Count: 239) They point out that, being real, he is a man now. They reach the cave, meet the invisible giant and go in to meet Pewter, explaining the plan to him. Pewter tells them that Chlorine checked in just fine, since he maintains the O-Xone. They go meet with Tristan and Robota, who explain about how Xanth language works. Robota speaks English, French and Italian for when they go into Mundania. She's tuned to know how to do the time travel bullshit with the border. Pia describes her house for Pewter, and he brings it into existence for her to stay in while she's here. They establish the connection and find they can see through Grey and Robota's eyes.

quote:

"I don't like to ask this question." Edsel said. "But I think I must. Suppose you die?"

Grey smiled. "That is unlikely in Xanth, because of my magic, and Robota of course can't die, though she could be destroyed. But it is possible in Mundania. and I admit I am nervous about that aspect of our journey. If it happens, your awareness will go blank. Then I regret that it will fall to you to advise the others."

Grey and Robota head out, while Edsel and Pia lie down to handle the double vision. Grey and Robota head for the border, where Robota's power gets weak. They exit, heading to Italy circa 1885 via the route Trent took. Robota gets them directions to France, and they fast forward to when the pair arrive. Grey joins Trent's army, and Edsel takes a break to check on the others, who are playing cards.

quote:

Angry swirls of colored light crossed Pewter's screen, his way of showing frustration. Then they cleared. "Double." Tristan said, putting down a card for the machine.

"Raise," Justin said, placing one of his cards.

HIT ME Pewter's screen printed.

Breanna laid down three cards. "Meld,"

Tristan picked one up. "Kiss mee."

"Just what kind of solitaire is this?" Edsel asked, baffled.

"It's one we invented, called Kiss Mee Donkee." Breanna explained. "It's sort of eclectic."

(Pun Count: 241) Edsel explains the concept of a joystick and keyboard to Pewter, then heads back to work. Grey and Robota enter Xanth, nulling the magic shield with his power. They head to the North Village to see the Storm King, using illusion to hide that Robota is a robot. She claims to be Silica of the Mineral Elves. (Pun Count: 242)

quote:

"Now to be realistically female, how much here?" she asked, indicating her bosom.

"Well�"

"Say when it's right," she said. Her bosom expanded.

"Ah�" he started, evidently uncertain how to handle this.

It became full, then large, then huge, then so large it burst out of the blouse and threatened to fill the room.

It became full, then large, then huge, then so large it burst out of the blouse and threatened to fill the room.

The monstrous breasts vanished, and the slightly filled blouse reappeared. The bosom started expanding again. "When!" Grey said, stopping it at a reasonable magnitude.

After that they covered the legs, until she had a rather nice set under a tastefully brief skirt "And don't show your�"

"I know," she said. "they freak men out." Then she reconsidered. "But I think I'd like to do that, some time."

"Not on this mission," he said firmly. "We can't risk mischief." Grey slept, and Edsel's window closed. But Pia's continued. "She's experimenting with poses," she reported. "Breathing deeply. crossing her legs."

"She doesn't sleep," he said. "So she has time to work things out." Pia opened her eyes and looked around "What time is it in real life?"

They take a break to nap, since they can pick back up where they left off. Pia tells Edsel that Robota is practicing feminine wiles.

quote:

"Yes. I think she knows better than to try them on him when he's awake; he's faithful to Ivy. But now she's pretending. She wants to be a real woman."

"I suppose it's sort of sad. being an animate creature of metal."

"Yes. She does have feelings; I can feel them. She knows she exists for a purpose, and that purpose isn't to be a normal woman. But because she has to emulate one, she has the emotions, and that becomes painful."

"I never thought about the morality of making robots or golems before," he said. "But does seem cruel."

Then they gently caress and begin the work again. Grey and Robota introduce themselves to the Storm King, but first meet Cassie, a half-centaur who can swap between human and centaur and whose talent is to be able to exit the Void. Grey is pretending his talent is prophecy. We also learn that half-mermaid half-centaur people exist, who have talents. They head on and finally reach the Storm King. Edsel wonders if it's ethical to have Grey hide his talent.

quote:

"That is his cover story." Tristan said. "You will understand that they can under no circumstances tell the truth, for that would lead to immediate chaos as every person sought to know his personal future, and Xanth would be changed irredeemably. Neither can they avoid identifying themselves, for that could arouse suspicion. So they must have persuasive false identities."

"But this is lying."

Pia looked at him. "When did a lie ever stop you Ed?"

"What are you talking about?"

"When you wanted to get a girl into bed."

"That's different."

[...]

"Why not?" Breanna asked. "I'm interested. It's okay to lie when�?"

"I apologize!" Edsel said "I'm sorry I brought up the subject."

"I guess lying in a good cause is okay." Breanna said doubtfully.

"Oh?" Pia said. "The end justifies the means?"

"Well�"

"The end of getting a girl into bed?"

"You have a point," Breanna said. "It's not right."

"But the alternative would be to completely change Xanth's present," Tristan said.

[...]

Edsel wanted to get off the subject. "Why don't we agree that lying is wrong, but that what Grey and Robota are doing is role playing. They must maintain their roles, as the truth would either be not believed, or would have devastating consequences."

Yadda yadda, Roland and Bianca tell Grey what happened to their son, Bink. He tells them that Bink will return, somehow. They meet with the Storm King, who refuses to help them, because his talent has faded and he won't admit it. Grey warns of a wiggle swarm, but the Storm King Aeolus refuses to believe. (Pun Count: 243) Besides, he's pretty sure a storm won't stop wiggles. Grey warns Aeolus of Trent returning.

quote:

"Oops," Breanna said. "If he warns the Storm King, won't the King stop the invasion, and Trent will never conquer Xanth. and all history be changed?"

"Not so," Justin said. "Trent didn't take Xanth by force. Aeolus died, and they gave Trent the crown."

Aeolus gets a view of the border and decides to use his talent to prepare for the army he spots.

quote:

"So will you demonstrate your talent?" Robota asked, favoring him with her most winning smile, and a rather nice flash of elfin bosom.

Old and feeble as the King was, he was not completely immune to the wiles of lovely women. "Yes. Wait here."

The King departed the chamber, through a door that opened magically to let him pass. Immediately Robota tried to follow, but the door balked her. Then Grey touched it, nullifying its magic, and they went through.

Aeolus was opening a magic strongbox. He reached inside to lift something out. but his hands came up empty. Yet there was a faint sparkle.

The King straightened up and turned�and saw Grey and Robota standing there. "You saw!" he said, chagrined. "What did they see?" Edsel asked, mystified. "We don't know," Tristan said. "This is new to my master." Then Grey caught on. "Your soul is in that box!" he said. "But why?" Robota asked.

The king looked frightened but canny. "I will tell you. if you will promise not to tell anyone else."

"Not within fifty years," Grey promised, and Robota agreed. He was aware that the information was being transmitted fifty-seven years to the future. Also, spreading a truly significant secret might change Xanth history, and they couldn't afford that.

"That's good enough." Aeolus took a deep breath. He was standing up straighter, and looked better, now that he had his soul with him. "This is a soular cell, made by Magician Yin/Yang centuries ago. It prevents aging and death for the person who stores his soul inside. I don't need to have my soul with me all the time, so I store it here so I won't die."

(Pun Count: 245) He only got the box a year ago, see. However, his talent remains with his soul, so he pretends to be senile so he doesn't have to use it much. He shows them a small storm, and they leave. However, Grey is suspicious and has Robota hide as they go.

quote:

Grey circled the North Village, bearing west and then south. There he found a small little-used path, and followed it farther south.

As the day grew late, he found a thick thicket between two thin thinets, and used his nullifying magic to penetrate to the center, where he was well protected and effectively invisible.

(Pun Count: 247) Grey explains - the Storm King has no conscience, as he has no soul.

quote:

"And so you have no conscience. Fortunately you have not yet discovered how dastardly you could be, if you thought of it. I hope you will continue to act in a decent manner."

"You mean I can't seduce you?" she asked, disappointed.

"That s right. A woman of conscience would not try to seduce a married man."

"But why not?"

"That comes under the heading of conscience. To a person of conscience, that which is feasible is not necessarily that which is appropriate."

Robota decides to study and emulate conscience so she can become more real. Grey explains that the Storm King is going to try to kill them to keep his secret, well, secret. He doesn't trust them to keep their promise. They decide to hide until the search for them dies down, since time travel means they won't miss their return window. Edsel and Pia break off and decide to fast forward.

quote:

"Robota spoke of seducing Grey." Pia said "He talked her out of it. But is it physically possible? I mean, she's a golem made iron metal. She doesn't even have a�a place."

"It is physically possible," Tristan said. "For two reasons First, she can change her own reality, to an extent, so can form a place. Second, metal is no necessary bar to such activity, just as the fact that my girlfriend Terian is a literal mouse is no bar when we meet physically. Magic makes us compatible. It's a variation of the accommodation spells the elves and imps use when they wish to associate with large folk on an equal basis. Even all-metal folk, like the brassies, can be remarkably soft when they wish to be, so Robota has that ability too."

Grey and Robota head to Magic Dust Village and meet the leader there, Trolla. (Pun Count: 248) Grey explains that he can resist the Siren, and Robota says it's because he has selective deafness.

quote:

Grey considered, and concluded that he would not be changing history if he spared the men from the tree. He went to the tree alone at night and touched its trunk. When it tried to grab him. he nulled it. "You will never again molest a man following the Siren's Song," he informed it. "Otherwise I will do this." He nulled much of the trunk for a moment.

The tree got the message. It left the men alone. But it remained dangerous to women. Fortunately they had the sense not to go near it. They assumed that the Siren had made a deal with the tangler, so that she could capture more males.

Grey and Robota remained a few days at the Magic Dust Village, but Grey became increasingly uncomfortable, because there were so many women there who missed the company of men. They were becoming rather obvious about their attraction to him, and some were quite alluring.

Lovely music and singing filtered though the forest. "I think we should go see just what is happening with the siren," Grey said.

"You are succumbing to her song!" Trolla said, alarmed.

He smiled. "No. I can shut it out. But as long as the Siren remains, there is a danger to the village. Maybe I can talk her out of singing."

"That would be nice," Trolla said. "Better yet, we would like to have our men back."

"For sure," Robota agreed. The others laughed when Pia reported that.

...why?

quote:

They followed the path through the jungle, Robota sitting on Grey's shoulder and holding on to his ear The motion of his body caused her to lean outward and inward, her bosom colliding with his ear every so often. "That's not accidental." Pia murmured professionally. "She's keeping her options open."

[...]

"Of course we can't really change the Siren," Grey told Robota. "That would alter history. But we can talk to her, and perhaps make things easier for the Magic Dust Villagers."

"They seem like nice folk," she agreed. "I could study conscience with them."

"You could indeed. They are doing a difficult job, dispersing the magic dust so that it doesn't pile up too thickly and distort the magic of Xanth. All types of people are working together in harmony, all motivated by their sense of duty. An excellent model."

They arrive at the beach, Grey gets attacked by the guardian battering ram (Pun Count: 249) and avoids it, so it'll still be there for Bink.

quote:

The ram came at them. Grey jumped nimbly to the side, and it ran right on by. Before it could brake and turn, it collided with a pineapple tree. A pineapple dropped, detonating under the ram's tail, and shrapnel flew out. The ram, reasonably battered, ran on.

(Pun Count: 250) They go see the Siren.

quote:

The Siren heard them and turned, ceasing her playing and singing. She had hair like flowing sunshine, and a tail like flowing water. Her bare breasts were spectacular.

"She can summon me anytime," Edsel breathed.

"Well, you're an idiot male." Pia retorted. She pursed her lips. "But she does have formidable architecture."

"The Siren is seventeen years old at this stage," Justin remarked. "She has a teenaged figure."

"That's the best kind," Breanna said.

"Indubitably."

The Siren hits on Grey, who tries to get her to understand the harm she's causing. She tells them about the Gorgon, and has no idea why the Gorgon is dangerous, either. Grey decides to go see the Gorgon and get one of the men free.

quote:

"I believe he wants to persuade the Gorgon not to turn every man to stone." Tristan said. "But this is chancy, because the Gorgon significantly affects Xanth history, especially after she encounters Magician Humfrey, and this must not be changed."

"Grey knows that." Breanna said. "He lives at the Good Magician's castle. He knows the Gorgon personally."

"Then she'll recognize him!" Breanna protested.

"No. dear," Justin said. "She does not know him at this time. Later she may remember him, but that's much closer to the present, and shouldn't have much effect. Still, I confess I am not at ease about this encounter."

Robota tries to get Grey to stop, but he refuses because he thinks the Gorgon and Siren are hot.

quote:

"In fact, I think you have been foolishly smitten by the lovely innocence of the Siren, and want to see the Gorgon in her teenage youth."

"What makes you think that?"

"I am objective as only a machine can be, and female besides. Turn aside. Grey."

"I think she's right." Pia said. "He is after all a man. There's only so much bare female flesh they can handle before their foolish minds overload."

The others looked at Edsel. "I fear she's right too." he said. "That siren is one luscious creature, and she has made it plain she wants a man to love. Grey has lost his objectivity."

Robota tries to seduce Grey to keep him from danger, but he ignores it.

quote:

They passed through a region of the lake where tall trees grew up through the water, forming a natural screen They rounded a turn, and something moved Grey instantly exerted his talent�and accidentally nullified the path across the water. He fell in with a splash. Robota laughed, clutching on to his hair. "Serves you right." she said. "Maybe this will shock you into some common sense."

"You're right," Grey said, treading water in a more conventional manner. "I've got no business meeting the Gorgon. What was I thinking of?" He was swimming now, perforce.

"Maybe this." Robota said, pressing her bosom against his ear again. "Or this." She spread her knees. "Swim to shore, and we'll get out of here."

"Right." He swam to the nearest shore.

A hand reached down to help him climb out and up the steep bank. He looked at his rescuer�and turned to stone.

Pia screamed. Edsel fell off his chair. Grey had been caught by surprise, not thinking to nullify any more magic, and had accidentally gazed at the face of the Gorgon. The ultimate disaster had happened.

Pun Count: 250 by the end of Chapter 10.

# ? Apr 30, 2014 20:13

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

I like how they keep dragging back the Storm King to mention how awful he is. Clearly he couldn't just, like... be a normal grumpy old man and leave it at that? Nope he dislikes Bink and that's an unforgivable sin. I bet he turns out to be Fracto.

Blah blah recap of previous books sexualization of young girls blatant stupidity obligatory sexism Anthony would have written a better book if he'd just flat-out vomited onto the pages instead of going though the trouble of writing.

# ? Apr 30, 2014 20:40

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

Well, I'm sure glad he went into how a robot or a mouse could be sexually compatible with a human. I sure would have wondered about that if he hadn't cleared it up. I'm going to, I dunno, slam my head against something until I don't remember this anymore.

# ? Apr 30, 2014 21:45

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

quote:

"The Siren is seventeen years old at this stage," Justin remarked. "She has a teenaged figure."

"That's the best kind," Breanna said.

"Indubitably."

Indubitably.

# ? Apr 30, 2014 23:09

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

So, why does all this creepy old man writing pass? I mean, yeah, I was a stupid kid back in the day, but what about all the folks who were already grown up when Spell For Chameleon came out?

# ? May 1, 2014 06:51

Bieeanshee: Aug 21, 2000; Not keen on keening.; Grimey Drawer

A lot of people, maybe even most, don't really absorb what they're reading or watching or consider it in a larger context. Some are even violently defensive of their works of choice, be it Buffy, HBO's latest cavalcade of human wretchedness, or Twilight.

# ? May 1, 2014 12:45

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Speedball posted:

So, why does all this creepy old man writing pass? I mean, yeah, I was a stupid kid back in the day, but what about all the folks who were already grown up when Spell For Chameleon came out?

Also, while I hate to say it, it was a different time. A lot of the most popular SF/fantasy writers of past decades could be pretty lovely about women. I love Asimov, Leiber, and Vance, for instance, but they're pretty far from enlightened when it comes to writing female characters.

And Xanth has acquired a hard core of fandom over the years that will buy new books, regardless of quality, just 'cause they're Xanth. As has been mentioned earlier in this thread, for all his flaws Anthony is very good to his fans, and that helps breed loyalty.

# ? May 1, 2014 13:44

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

Also, the internet was pretty threadbare back then so there wasn't any sort of forum -- figuratively and literally -- where you could go and actually discuss this sort of thing with other readers. Even if you were an adult reading these books, who would you even complain to about it? The police? For most readers, old or young, Xanth was just the quirky fantasy books that had a bunch of sex in them, not exactly the sort of thing that comes up in casual conversation.

Child sexuality isn't even a particularly uncommon theme in fantasy or sci-fi; a lot of stories have historically skated by that sort of thing by affecting an air of "edginess" or "sophistication" by daring to portray that kind of taboo topic. Some of them even do justice by it...or, at the very least, don't do an utterly terrifying job of it. So it's tricky to pinpoint just how Anthony's work is any more egregiously horrific about this sort of thing than any other fringey fantasy series out there without the benefit of hindsight and the bulk of his work to draw from.

BrianWilly fucked around with this message at 15:21 on May 1, 2014

# ? May 1, 2014 15:00

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Selachian posted:

Also, while I hate to say it, it was a different time. A lot of the most popular SF/fantasy writers of past decades could be pretty lovely about women. I love Asimov, Leiber, and Vance, for instance, but they're pretty far from enlightened when it comes to writing female characters.

Very true. I read a lot of classic sci-fi starting from elementary school and my fair share of sword and sorcery (always preferred it to high fantasy), and while I figured out the girls and women in those books didn't seem much like real-life girls and women, I still found enjoyment in a lot of them. The thing is, I and most sane people like the older stuff despite that poo poo. Some people don't ever realize it's an issue or even think it's a good thing (I assume that because apparently there are Gor fans still).

Selachian posted:

And Xanth has acquired a hard core of fandom over the years that will buy new books, regardless of quality, just 'cause they're Xanth. As has been mentioned earlier in this thread, for all his flaws Anthony is very good to his fans, and that helps breed loyalty.

That may well be the main reason: people who started reading this when they were younger (and to be fair, whatever issues the first couple of Xanth novels may have, they're nowhere near the jaw-dropping badness of the later ones). It took some time for Anthony to get to this level of unintentional self-parody and (fully intentional) skeeziness.

# ? May 2, 2014 02:23

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

It really is sad that, given the rape trial scene in the first book, that statement is still true.

# ? May 2, 2014 02:30

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

There are hints of it from the beginning, but I think Night Mare is the first of the really skeevy ones. The scenes with the horseman got way too rapey.

# ? May 2, 2014 03:04

Speedball: Apr 15, 2008

While he tends to objectify women, like, a lot I seem to recall that he has a dim view of men in general too. So it's not necessarily the type of sexism where he thinks one gender is superior to another, he just has really really skewed concepts of gender interdynamics.

# ? May 2, 2014 06:00

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

The primary audience (pre-teen to teenage kids) is also a lot less sophisticated. One of the things that made him so enticing, as I recall, was how he explained things. When you're still growing up and starting to read "grown-up" books, a lot of stuff is still beyond you. You don't quite get how adults interact a lot of the time, you miss a lot of the stuff that isn't said in adult books that in a few years you'll take for granted. Piers Anthony not only does almost nothing beneath the surface (at least, nothing intentional), he explains at length on those same adult interactions you don't quite get yet. He's wrong, but as established, you don't have the sophistication to recognize that yet. If you're too young to know better, you just take those explanations at face value, without thinking through the implications. If you're into girls, then it's natural to think that teenaged girls are sexy because that's the right age of girl for you to be attracted to. It doesn't occur to you that it's being written by a guy who's way to goddamned old to find thirteen-year-olds sexy.

I think that's the worst part of this. The kids who are most likely to miss the really horrible stuff are the ones who least need to be reading this poo poo because if they take it seriously, they'll get a really hosed up view of sex.

# ? May 2, 2014 08:15

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 11 drops us with Pia. Grey has been stoned and now they're unsure what to do.

quote:

"For sure," Breanna said, not smiling. She looked as white as her brown face could get. "We were so concerned about him changing history, we never thought of how history could change him. What'll we tell Ivy? She'll be Poison Ivy when she hears about this, even when it's not the time of the month."

"Women in Xanth have times of the month?" Pia asked. "I thought�I mean, with the stork and all�"

Breanna glanced to make sure no males were close enough to hear. "Between storks, they can get out of sorts, about once a month." she said. "Men don't know. But what I really meant was�"

Com Pewter, however, assures them that this is still workable. Grey will be fine until the Time of No Magic. We get a brief recap of the whole Time of No Magic debacle, and apparently everyone knows aobut X(A/N)th now. Pia gets back to viewing so she can see how Robota reacts. Robota makes her way back to the Magic Dust Village, no longer pretending to care about Grey, as she has no soul. Robota joins the village and studies their consciences and souled behavior.

quote:

Pia opened her eyes. "What I don't get is why Grey went so crazy, there toward the end. I mean, I thought he was a pretty level-headed married man."

"He is." Justin said. "But the Siren's song�actually it's her dulcimer that carries the magic�is among the more remarkable lures of Xanth. Grey surely underestimated its power to affect him."

"And perhaps rationalized to believe that he remained in control." Tristan said. "Men do that."

"For sure!" Breanna agreed. "The biggest part of the Adult Conspiracy is that women are the true rulers of Xanth "

"That song was pretty alluring," Edsel said. "If I'd been in control. I'd have gone to her right away. But that wasn't all. When she made legs, they were really something."

"Oh?" Pia inquired, mildly annoyed. "I've got legs." She hoisted her skirt to better display them.

"And those bare breasts," Edsel continued.

Pia was moderately annoyed. "I have breasts." She pulled her blouse tight.

"And that touching sweet innocence."

Pia was silent, and really annoyed.

Breanna stepped in. "Well, we girls have sweet innocence, until we gel corrupted by men."

They skip ahead a year. Bink and company arrive, and Robota fucks Grundy.

quote:

"But isn't he married to Rapunzel?" Pia asked, disturbed.

"Not at this time." Justin said. "Rapunzel is locked in an ivory tower on the Gold Coast, I believe; it will be several years before Grundy rescues her. He is at this stage without marital encumbrance."

(Pun Count: 252)

quote:

"They certainly are celebrating." Pia said. "You're right: she does have a place, and she's getting pretty soft."

"Oh. phooey." Breanna said. "I can't keep my mad while they're doing that. Come here Justin."

Pia noted the girl's ways with a certain professionalism. If she hadn't succeeded in seducing her man yet, she was bound to accomplish it soon. It made Pia more interested in doing something with Edsel, for all that there was by now little novelty in it. But now was not the time. Not when there was a better show on.

Pia watched the activity of the golems with some interest. Robota had evidently done some thinking on the matter, and was straightforward in her approach. She continuously complimented Grundy, and showed him flesh, which she crafted to be extremely well proportioned, and she eagerly acceded to his every notion. Yet it seemed that he was using her too, because he had no more soul than she did. The result was a rather uninhibited session that surely would have alerted any golem storks in the vicinity.

Yadda yadda, Siren sings, men go, women fight tangle tree. Justin feels bad for the tree as it tries to murder all the women. Yadda yadda, more recapping of Book 2, and Robota heads for the Gorgon's isle. She warns the Gorgon about the Time of No Magic coming, and tells her that she must go to Mundanian, to avoid stoning people. She can mature there until she's ready to marry Humfrey, Robota tells her. They drop into the Time of No Magic, and Pia's vision blurs as Robota suddenly weakens. Apparently it's worse than Mundania due to the suddenness of it. However, Edsel can't reconnect, due to the lack of magic. Grey, Robota and the Gorgon decide to head for Pewter's cave, since Pewter is good at secrets. They head to the cave, where they find an inert Pewter, where they wait until the magic returns. Grey gets Pewter to make the Gorgon's face invisible.

quote:

"Now I will tell you the truth." Grey said. "But you must forget, and make the Gorgon forget, after we leave. I will tell you why."

STRANGER HAS MUCH NERVE.

Then Grey told Pewter why. "That's the first time I've seen a machine surprised," Pia commented.

"Now will you help us leave Xanth safely?" Grey asked.

YES. THEN I WILL SEAL OFF THIS MEMORY UNIT UNTIL YOU INVOKE IT IN YOUR TIME

"Good. Now we could use some food, and better clothing."

Pewter generated a well stocked table of food, and they fell greedily to. Robota talked with Pewter, explaining how he had made her, in the future, and providing details of their mission Grey had skipped.

That's when Murphy and Vadne show up. Remember, they escaped via Pewter, too. Grey panics until Robota points out that Pewter can erase their memories.

quote:

"Hello." the man said. "We are two strangers in need of sustenance. May we join you?"

"Yes." Grey said. "We shall talk. Then Com-Pewter will help us all to go to Mundania, and erase your memories of this meeting."

"Why?" the woman asked, around a mouthful of pie.

"Because this is Robota, a golem from the future." Robota smiled and inclined her head. "And you are Magician Murphy and Sorceress Vadne."

The Magician leaped to his feet. "How do you, a stranger, know that?" he demanded.

"Because I am your son you just signaled the stork for, Grey Murphy."

Both of them stared at him. "How can this be?" the man demanded.

"I am also from the future, on a mission to what is my past. I will be delivered to you in Mundania, and grow up with you. before we all return to Xanth."

"We can't be in Xanth." Vadne said. "They would put us back in the Brain Coral's Pool we just escaped."

"You will be pardoned, and become productive citizens of Xanth. And I will marry a princess. Until I undertake this mission, fifty six years from now."

They doubted, but slowly the came to believe. "My son!" Vadne exclaimed, coming to hug Grey. It was odd, because she was slightly younger than he.

Truly, the most touching explanation. Pewter wipes everyone's memories and resets the stage.

quote:

GREETINGS, INTRUDERS.

"Who are you?" Murphy demanded.

I AM COM-PEWTER. YOU ARE NOW IN MY POWER.

Actually that was no sure thing, because Murphy's talent was to make things go wrong. But the two worked out a deal: Pewter would help them get safely out of Xanth. if they gave him their just-ordered son. They agreed.

Then Pewter put them into temporary stasis and addressed the others.

GREY, YOU CAN AND WILL GUIDE THEM SAFELY OUT.

"I can and will." Grey agreed. "Otherwise I would jeopardize my own existence." He glanced around. "I will guide the Gorgon out, too."

YES. I WILL NOW WIPE HER MEMORY

"No!" the Gorgon cried. "Please! I beg of you. I promise never to tell. Let me remember this wonderful scene, and the way Magician Grey has helped me."

Pewter paused.

"It makes sense," Robota said. "She will be in Mundania, and later will return to marry the Good Magician, who knows everything anyway. So it shouldn't make any difference."

AGREED.

I'm not sure paradox works like that. But whatever. They head out to Mundania.

quote:

"That's all right." Grey said. "The border interface automatically registers you as you pass through it. and at such time as any of you return, you will return to the same time in Xanth that you left. Except that it will be as much later in Xanth as the time you spend in Mundania." He did not explain about the time traveling aspect; he and Robota were a special case.

The Gorgon's face reappeared as they left the magic. She was just as pretty as her sister the Siren, and had just as good a figure. "That's all right," she said. "I will make do."

They leave the Gorgon in Italy, where she decides...well, read it.

quote:

The Gorgon considered. Then she smoothed her skirt and inhaled. "I will pretend to be a mute girl, in need of a good man's protection. Do you think that will work?"

Grey considered her statuesque face and figure. "I believe it will. Still�"

"Thank you." She walked away, into the heart of drear Mundania.

Vadne nodded. "She will surely succeed."

"Now where do the two of you wish to be?" Grey inquired. "There arc different sections of Mundania, speaking different languages and having different customs."

They considered. "You seem like an honest young man." Magician Murphy said. He no longer knew Grey as his son. because of the memory wipe, but they had spent several compatible days together. "Take us to a region you feel will be good for us."

Grey paused, and Pia knew why: he didn't dare change his own history Robota whispered in his ear: "Where you lived."

Grey's not the brightest.

quote:

So he watched the changing color of the sea, and brought them to the region and time within a year of where he had been delivered, which was fourteen years after the Gorgon's time, and on another continent, where English was spoken. The stork might find it a challenge to make a delivery outside of Xanth, but history indicated that it would succeed.

Grey explained the problem of language, and Robota told them a few useful words so they could get started. "As I understand it," Grey said. "When Xanthians go to Mundania. they are not challenged; the Mundanes seem to believe that they have always been there. But they do need to learn the conventions."

"He did not say where he learned that," Justin remarked. "But it was surely from his parents�the very ones he is now addressing."

Because that's not paradoxical at all. Vadne and Murphy swear to name their son after Grey, because...gently caress it, because. Anthony says this technically isn't paradox. Grey and Robota return to the present. As far as anyone can tell, no history changed. Robota hands over the weather data, and Pia and Edsel are free to go. Pewter recovers his memories and Grey is cleared of all obligations. Ivy arrives, and Pia asks Robota where Ted and Monica are, since they apparently stopped by the day before.

quote:

"Demon Vore took them to the Fanta Sea. They love that."

(Pun Count: 253)

quote:

"It's a pond where tolk can find their wildest dreams."

We also learn that contact has been lost with the Mundane side. Oops. They head back to Humfrey's castle and recap the last chapter and a half.

quote:

They rode back toward the Good Magician's Castle, telling the story. It was of course Grey's story, but Edsel and Pia were able to fill in main details and reassure Ivy that he had done nothing untoward during his adventure.

"Except sleep with the Gorgon," Pia said mischievously.

Ivy raised a brow. "Oh?"

"Well, you have to understand," Edsel said "She was eighteen and lovely then."

"And innocent," Breanna added.

"To keep her warm," Justin said.

Ivy laughed. "I'll ask her, next time she's the Designated Wife " But Pia suspected that she did not find the joke as funny as the others did.

Ha! Spreading rumors of adultery! The party now decides to go to Mount Etamin to meet Nada Naga, since she'll know where the kids are with the locket.

quote:

Pia closed her eyes, feeling unpleasantly giddy. Soon they were back on solid land, to her relief, and forging along a new path. "Oh. we're coming to the Library," Breanna said enthusiastically. "I love this place."

"You like to read?" Edsel asked.

"Not exactly."

[...]

They came to a section where the tree trunks resembled the spines of books, complete with print. Two, close together, formed a gateway. In front of it was an armored knight on a steed galloping in circles.

Para halted. "What's that?" Pia asked.

"That's Sir Q Lation," Breanna answered. "Hi, Q! Feeling smart today?"

(Pun Count: 254)

quote:

Just inside was an ogre stamping his big hairy feet. They left little marks on the pile of cards beneath. "That's the date stamper." Breanna said. "Hi, can I have a date?"

"For sure, paramour," the ogre responded with something like a smile. He tossed her a card with a date on it. If there had been any doubt before, now it was clear that Breanna had been here before.

(Pun Count: 255)

quote:

Then there was a solid man sitting at a desk shaped like a huge tome. "Hi, Dick," Breanna said. But the man stared stolidly ahead, not deigning to answer. "That's Dick Shunary," Breanna explained "He won't speak a word to anyone, though he knows every word in the book." She did not seem annoyed.

(Pun Count: 257)

quote:

"Let's see. there's a map in here somewhere, if we can find it." Breanna said. Para wove along different paths, searching. They came to a glade with a pattern of grass and sand, like a miniature golf course. "At last."

"At last what?" Pia asked.

"We finally found the map." She indicated the pattern, and Pia realized that it was indeed a map, with the sand marking paths.

"Atlas," Edsel murmured "Atlas at last."

(Pun Count: 258)

quote:

They followed a path to a number of warriors doing a dance of victory. "That's the Conquer Dance," Breanna said.

"Concordance," Edsel murmured. He had more of a mind for this nonsense.

(Pun Count: 259)

quote:

Beyond the dance was a dead tree. A feline snoozed in its bare branches. "Catalog." Edsel said.

(Pun Count: 260)

quote:

They passed a tree with dampish small fruit. "Dew date." Breanna said happily.

(Pun Count: 261)

quote:

Then there was a dolorous researcher poring over a several volume set. "Sigh Clopedia." Breanna said.

(Pun Count: 262)

quote:

Breanna faced him. "Shut up or I'll use the card file on you."

"Card file?" Pia asked, unable to stop herself.

"It trims the edges of the King, Queen. Jack, and so on." the girl explained with a straight face. "And there are some book jackets." Pia looked. Sure enough, there were shivering books with warm jackets.

(Pun Count: 264)

quote:

They passed a moving picture of young women dancing and removing items of apparel. "Para!" Breanna said severely "I told you not to go by the film strip."

(Pun Count: 265)

quote:

The boat veered, taking them by a high building. "What's this doing here in the library forest?" Pia asked.

"It's a story collection."

(Pun Count: 266)

quote:

They peered up to the thirteenth floor, where spirits flitted in and out of the windows. "Don't tell me. let me guess." Edsel said. "That's a ghost story."

(Pun Count: 267)

quote:

"Enough!" Pia cried. "Get me out of here!"

"She really means it," Edsel warned Breanna.

"Yes, she's series," the girl agreed.

(Pun Count: 268)

quote:

If Pia had had a pillow, she would have whammed them with it. Fortunately the exit loomed. There was only one insubstantial plant barring their way. "Through that mist tree," Breanna told the boat.

(Pun Count: 269)

quote:

"We found our way out because we have the indecks." Breanna said, patting the interior of the boat.

(Pun Count: 270)

quote:

"Do you know. I once met a lady who gave nothing but opposites." Justin remarked innocently. "Her name was Anti Nym. I believe she would have felt at home at that library."

(Pun Count: 271)

quote:

"But we don't really need the library," Breanna said. "We can see the paper view." She held up a roll of paper.

(Pun Count: 272)

quote:

"That docs it!" Pia screamed. She jumped out of the boat, landed off-balance, and whirled into the soft side of a cow -like creature. The thing made a soft, sickly "Mooo!"

"I � I'm sorry." she said, recovering her balance. "I did not see you." The cow looked so sad that all her anger dissipated.

The boat halted, and she climbed back in. "Moo-sick soothes the savage beast." Edsel murmured.

Pia tried to summon back her rage, but was worn out.

"Actually, it is the savage breast that is soothed." Justin said.

"She's got two of those," Edsel agreed smugly.

"And they are most elegant," an elephantine creature remarked, leaning over the boat to stare at her blouse.

"Pay no attention to the sycophant." Breanna said "It flatters every-body with equal insincerity."

(Pun Count: 274) They arrive, drawing the attention of Draco Dragon, who waves them through. They head to the naga territories, where Nada meets them with Monica. She says they left the locket in the Fanta Sea. They'll have to go get it, and get roped into babysitting Monica. It might be dangerous, as all kinds of dreams show up there - it's where dreams go if they escape the gourd.

quote:

"All kinds," Justin said. "It is a place where actual dreams escape from the realm of the gourd. Normally they are disciplined, organized by the gourd crews and carried by the night mares to sleepers who deserve them. But at the sea they are undisciplined, and can do what they want. Even the good dreams may not be welcome, when they have no outside controls."

(Pun Count: 275) They head in.

quote:

Breanna looked to the side. There on the bank was a cemetery memorial stone. She shuddered.

"That's a dream?" Pia asked.

"For sure. That's serious."

"It's a grave stone."

The girl nodded. Then Pia smelled a pun. Grave stone�serious rock. "Are you pulling my leg?"

"Not this time. Honest. That stone reminds me of my dead mom."

"Your mother's dead?"

"No. But I used to dream she was, and I knew because I saw that stone. It scares me to pieces."

Pia saw that the stone was moving along beside the boat, paralleling their progress. "Can you get rid of it?"

"I used to be able to wake up. But now it's out here in my waking state."

(Pun Count: 276) If two nightmares collide, however, they'll cancel each other out. They spot another.

quote:

Pia looked. It was a tropical tree, seemingly growing out of the water. "It's just a palm tree," she said. "No threat to me."

Edsel looked. "Oh, no," he breathed. "It�s mine."

"What's its threat?" Pia asked.

"It's a joke my brother Bentley played on me when we were kids. He told me about it, and I thought it was real. It's a Na Palm tree."

(Pun Count: 277) It still terrifies Edsel because he's loving stupid. However, the only way to get them to collide is to get Edsel and Breanna to summon the spooks. Justin and Pia convince them to via hugs. Para lurches and gets them to collide. Monica directs them towards the locket.

quote:

"Oh, no." Justin breathed.

"What is it, dear?" Breanna asked.

"It's a morph."

"Morph," Edsel said. "As in morphine, a pain killer, or morphing, changing form?"

"Both," Justin said with impending dread.

(Pun Count: 279)

quote:

"Both." Justin repeated weakly. "It's an injection that causes folk to change shape involuntarily. I've seen it attack animals and ruin their lives. They get addicted to change, but can't handle the new forms. It's going to get me. and make me change back into a tree, or worse, right when I want so much to remain as I am."

And then Pia gets her own problem.

quote:

Pia looked�and froze. "That's the awful cook book."

"What's scary about a cook book?" he asked. "You never cook anyway."

"That's why I never cook," she said tightly. "It burns me."

An errant glance bounced around the boat. "A cook book burns you?" Breanna asked after one and a half moments.

"It's another experience from childhood," Pia explained, unable to look away from the horrible book as it nudged closet. "My mother was cooking in our apartment, on a hotplate, and she had a cook book out. I saw the hotplate and asked what it was, but she thought I meant the book, and said 'It's a cook book.' So I tried to pick it up�"

(Pun Count: 280) Edsel and Breanna get them to call the horrors again, and they cancel out. Next!

quote:

Pia. recovering, looked. The thing did not fill her with horror, so she knew it wasn't hers. That was a kind of relief "It looks like a rug," she said, "A rolled carpet."

"A carpet." DeMonica cued, her voice a wail. "That shouldn't be here."

"You mean it's yours?" Pia asked, surprised. She had thought the half-demon child to be immune.

[...]

Pia saw the rolled carpet looming closer. It was angling now, as if making ready to unroll on the water. "Monica!" she said, taking another hold. "What's about that carpet?"

But the child was beyond listening. She wanted only to get away, and try to flee, though she drown in the attempt.

"Kiss her." Breanna suggested.

Pia hauled Monica in and kissed her on the forehead, trying to emulate motherly fashion. The child burst into tears and clutched her. "Don't let it get me!"

"I won't." Pia promised, though she had no idea how to keep that promise. "But you must tell me: what's its secret?"

"It�s going to roll me up!" Monica cried welly. "I'll smother."

Nothing around to cancel it, however. Is there another way?

quote:

"Sometimes. If there is a pun that can be changed. But there seems to be nothing funny about being smothered by a rolled carpet."

"Yes there is," Edsel said. "Carpet tunnel syndrome."

(Pun Count: 281)

quote:

Pia was discovering, to her surprise, that she rather liked comforting the child. She had never tried it before, but holding the little girl seemed meaningful. Monica was taking comfort, though as yet they had no certainty of saving her. The carpet was unrolling, making ready for its prey "There has to be some other variant," Edsel said. "Carpet� carpal�"

A bulb flashed over Pia's head. "Car pool tunnel thin dome!" she exclaimed.

The carpet apparition seemed to groan. It changed form, becoming a thin glassy dome with a tunnel through it, wide enough for several cars No way to smother anyone in that. Disgusted, it faded.

(Pun Count: 282)

quote:

"You never punned before." Edsel said, amazed.

"I guess I never had to." She let the child go. That job was done, but she would never forget that joy of holding the little girl close.

...really? Really, you're going with that? Whatever. They get the locket.

quote:

"There's the magic locket," Monica said, as brightly as if she had never been scared. Children did recover from things rapidly. "On Soft."

Pia looked. She saw the locket hanging by its chain from the neck of a chunky standing man. The man was facing the other way, but the locket was against his broad bare back.

"I can get it." Edsel said.

"No. this is my mission," Pia said I�ll get it." She appreciated his offer, but suspected that she could more readily charm the man to give it to her.

Para reached the isle and waddled onto land. Pia stepped out and approached the man. She noticed that his back was flat and covered with small print. "Excuse me," she said.

He turned. For a moment she was afraid he was completely naked, but his front side was garishly clothed. "Yes?"

"I�I'm Pia. I need that magic locket."

"Welcome to it. I am Softcover. I was holding it for DeMonica."

"Softcover?" she asked.

"My soft paper back is hard to cover."

Now she made the connection. Paperback�hardcover. He was in fact a standing, talking book. Not a cookbook, fortunately; cheap adventure fiction. She smiled fetchingly at him. "Thank you so much. Mister Soft-cover. Will you give it to me?"

(Pun Count: 283) Pia has to hug him to get it, because his arms are painted on. They head to leave, but run into Willow. You remember Willow, right? the flying elf girl? She and Sean are married now. They are here to get the magic locket, but Pia protests they need that for their own mission. Willow says she'll give it back once she uses it to help Nimby. Pia wants to take care of CoTwo first. Willow realizes there's a fast way to do this - a woman named Pearl is nearby, and her talent is summoning magic dust. That will take her an hour, and meanwhile, the party will head to the snowy mountains. In the meantime, a new dream is showing up.

quote:

Pia looked. She saw a troupe of shapely nymphs dancing across the surface of the water. "Whose horror is that?"

"Mine," Edsel said. "Only it's no horror. I've always dreamed of going to a show like that."

Pia eyed the figures disapprovingly. They had very well fleshed legs and very short skirts. There were five of them, with hair matching skirts: blue, red, green, yellow, and black. "This is going to freak you out?"

"For sure," Breanna said. "When they get close and do a high kick, so as to show their pretty colored�"

"I get it. So is there another horror to collide with them?"

"I fear so," Justin said. "Over there."

Pia looked the way he indicated. Her blood tried to curdle. It was a formless hump that sent a dreadful chill through her.

"What is it?" Breanna asked.

"It's my personal monster," Pia said. "The thing I want least to encounter."

It is unknown and therefore terrifying. Edsel calls the nymphs, but Pia can't bring herself to summon the lump.

quote:

The boat dodged to the side, but couldn't escape the nymphs. They intercepted it and spilled onto the seats, going for Edsel. One of them tumbled head under skirt into Pia, giving her a phenomenal flash of green panties. Of course that didn't freak her out, because she was female, and because her main attention was taken by the more distant lump pursuing her. But she knew Edsel was another matter.

The nymph rolled on into Pia�and through her. It was an illusion. But those bright, full panties would take men out regardless.

"Justin." Breanna said urgently, "maybe you'd better�before one of them flashes you."

"I didn't want to use this, but I see I must," Justin said with regret He drew from a pocket something that to Pia's peripheral vision looked like a big letter D. He flipped it at the cluster of nymphs.

There was an explosion. Pieces of nymph and skirt and panty flew out in every direction, dissipating, but Pia didn't feel anything physical.

"Hey. what happened?" Edsel asked, blinking.

"Justin destroyed them with his dee-tonate," Breanna said. "It blows things up. He set it for illusions, so it blew up only the illusion."

(Pun Count: 284)

quote:

"But I was just about to see them do the high kick," Edsel complained.

"And it would have freaked you out five-fold." Breanna retorted. "A one panty freakout is over as soon as eye contact is broken, but when there are several, the effect is geometrical. You'd have been out for days, and we can't afford that."

They try to outrace Pia's nightmare, and while it's slow, it never stops coming. They think they can put it in the locket, but then remember, as I'm sure Anthony did, that Willow has the locket. Justin realizes Pia has to face it - otherwise it will drive her mad.

quote:

Pia hoped she looked brave from a distance. It certainly wasn't the case up close. Her heart was pounding, her hands were shaking, and she knew her eyes were dilated. The only thing that stopped her from turning to run away was her certainty that it would catch her and be even worse than if she faced it.

The thing loomed close. It slowed, orienting on her. It began to assume the form of a person, or rather, a horrible parody of a person. "Who are you?" she demanded timorously.

The shape continued to clarify. It became female, with a shapely body, a heart shaped face, green eyes, and long dark brown hair. It looked weirdly familiar. In fact�

She looked at its reflection in the pond. Beside it was her own reflection. The two figures were the same.

She was terrified of herself!

She was indeed terrified, and it was her image. But behind the fever of her fear, a certain animal cunning lurked. Were things really as they seemed? Or was this apparition fooling her in a way she did not understand?

She peered at the thing, and saw that its face was colored. Did that mean something? It was black. What did that mean? Red might be rage, green might be jealousy, blue might be sick, yellow might be fear, but what was black? She was sure it had nothing to do with race; Breanna of the Black Wave had abolished any such concern. It had to be an emotion�she felt it almost overwhelming her�but which one?

"What are you?" she asked.

The figure moved closer. Its face began to show the highlights of a skull. But it wasn't death, just a comparison to death. Something she'd rather die than do. Or, rather, admit.

"What awful secret do you hide?" she asked desperately.

The figure reached for her. She knew it would blast her mind if she didn't counter it. But how could she do that it she didn't know what it was?

Desperately she reviewed her concerns, frustrations, and fears. She couldn't think what it was. But there was something much worse than a cookbook. So bad that she couldn't recognize it even when it stared her in the face. What was this black emotion?

Then she did something extremely nervy, for her. She reached out and touched the thing's hand.

Suddenly the emotion clarified. It was Guilt! She was so horribly guilt-ridden for something that she couldn't even face it. But now she had to, lest she be destroyed by it. What was her guilt?

Then, slowly and painfully, it came to net. Her guilt was about Edsel. And his friend Dug. For she had been Dug's girlfriend, and tired of him, supposing Edsel to be more entertaining. So she had flashed a bit of this at Edsel�the figure's blouse faded to show breast and cleavage�and a bit of that�it showed high thigh. And in a moment she had captured his fancy. Then all that remained was to engmeet an exchange. It had been almost too easy. So Dug was without girlfriend, and Edsel was with her. And Pia was satisfied.

But it had been dirty. Dug was a fine man, eminently undeserving of such treatment. Oh, he had found another girlfriend, in Kim, and was happy now. But that did not ameliorate Pia's guilt for the way she had treated him. She should have been up-front, told him how she felt, assured him that it was no fault in him, and wished him well. Instead she had covertly dumped him.

And now, long after she thought she had buried it forever, that guilt had returned to haunt her. To overcome her. The girls of Xanth thought that there was shame in accidentally showing their panties. They didn't know what real shame was.

The irony was that there was nothing she could do about it. Dug was better off with Kim than he had been with Pia�and Pia was worse off with Edsel than she had been with Dug. She had been doing neither Dug nor Edsel any favor. She wasn't worth their company. She would be doing them both a favor by getting the bleep out of the picture.

"You win," she said to the awful figure. Then she turned and leaped into the pond.

In half a moment she realized that even in this she had messed up. First, she couldn't drown herself, because she was to good a swimmer and the pond was too small. Second, the water was only knee deep. She had gotten soaked for nothing.

Para was there, floating to her rescue. But Pia waved him away. "I guess I really can't escape." she said. "I have to deal with it." The odd thing was that she was feeling better now, despite her bedraggled condition. She felt better than ever, physically, and more confident emotionally.

[...]

She stood and strode out of the pool toward the figure "I know what I have to do." she said. "I have to stop bursing, stop running, and handle my guilt. I have to learn from bad experience. I can't change the past, but I can change the present and the future. I can stop being so stupidly, shallow and start being a better woman. I can make sure that I never wrong a good man again." She turned to look at Edsel. "And I can bleeping well do everything I can to make our marriage work."

She turned back to face the spook. "I can do all the things I wouldn't do before. I can learn to cook. I can do the laundry. I can�" She paused with dawning surmise. "I can have children, and be a mother. I can do the whole family bit. So that I have nothing to feel guilty about any more."

Then she walked right into the figure "So do your worst. spook. I'm ashamed of how I was. but I don't have be that any more."

But the figure was gone. It had dissipated as she touched it. She had banished the spook.

It turns out Pia jumped into a healing spring, and now has no diabetes. Also, man, Anthony literally just goes 'well guilt is black and evil BUT NOT LIKE BLACK PEOPLE BLACK PEOPLE ARE FINE' just in order to draw attention to how not racist he is, isn't he. Pia promises to keep the marriage going because divorce is evil and wrong to the man. Meanwhile, Monica has found a slug.

quote:

The child laughed. "No, not a real slug. A fake slug. That pretends to be a coin or something. See. it takes any shape I want." She held up a tiny dark disk. In her hand it shaped itself into a thimble, then a star.

(Pun Count: ...285?) They make it to the snowy mountains, but Willow's late. They accidentally mention CoTwo, summoning him. Pia uses her body to distract him.

quote:

"Well, well. Aren�t you the shapely one. What are you up to. sensual creature?" He lifted his finger from the boat, and it scooted away. But then he aimed a blast of air at it, and boat and remaining occupants tumbled headlong into the river.

But Pia couldn't help them. She had to distract the demon long enough to give Willow time to bring the magic locket. How could she do that? She knew only one way. "I�I'll dance for you." she said.

"Indeed you shall," CoTwo agreed. He reached out, caught the edge of her blanket between thumb and forefinger, and jerked. The blanket whipped away, and set Pia madly spinning.

She caught her balance. Now she was naked, for there had not been time for her clothing to dry; the blanket was her clothing. She didn't even have her panties on. so couldn't freak out the demon, assuming that demons could be so freaked. But she had to carry through.

She started to dance, making her hips shill and her Mesh jiggle. She had the best shape of her life, and it seemed the best health of her life, thanks to her sixteen year old body and the loss of her diabetes. She could impress any man�but the demon was not exactly a man. Could she distract him long enough?

She whirled and bounced and lifted a leg fetchingly, giving it her all. Where was Willow?

"You're pretty good." CoTwo said. "In fact I think I'll keep you."

"Keep me?" She didn't like the sound of that.

"You came back when I sent you away. You are trying to stall me so your friends can escape. But you do have an interesting shape. So I will subject you to a fate worse than death."

She had been too successful in diverting him. Now he wanted her for storkish purposes. Pia tried to run. but the demon's arm stretched out impossibly long, and his hand became huge. It caught her around the torso, not hard but very firm. It lifted her into the air, so that her bare legs dangled.

As with the Guilt monster, she could not escape. She had to tackle it directly. But she knew that vowing to be a better person would not have much effect this time. So she pretended confusion. "Worse than�?"

"Are you a masochist?"

"No way!"

"Excellent. Because I am a sadist. I am going to bind you in chains, and whip you. and force you unwillingly to serve my pleasure at your great discomfort dozens ol times a day until I tire of you. Then I'll break you and throw you away."

If he had intended to frighten her, he had succeeded. Pia screamed. She couldn't help it, though she knew that was what the demon wanted.

CoTwo smiled. There was nothing nice about it "Yes. Scream, my fair little toy. Scream in anticipation, because the reality will be much worse." The arm contracted, bringing her closer.

Willow arrives overhead.

quote:

All she had to do was stall a little more. Pia forced a sexy smile. "No, I'm sure the reality will be much better. You're quite a figure of a creature-"

"Don't try to fool me, precious. I will make you scream in physical and emotional pain." The huge fingers contracted cruelly, showing that this was no bluff. She was already hurting.

"But�but don't you want me smiling?" she gasped. "Obliging your every foolish whim?"

"Obliging, yes. Smiling, no. I like my toys to suffer."

Edsel jumps in, holding the magic locket. He tells CoTwo his plans.

quote:

"I am going to put you inside this magic locket," Edsel said evenly. "Just as soon as I get you into its range "

"Ed. don't tell him that!" Pia cried from the ground. But she was being foolish, because he already had told, giving away the element of surprise.

"Fascinating," the demon said. "That really is the magic locket. I thought it was lost centuries ago along with the other Hinge artifacts. Where did you find it?"

"Demon Ted and DeMonica found it," Edsel said, carefully aiming the front of the locket at CoTwo. "We recovered it from the Fanta Sea. It's the one thing that will stop you, because when invoked, it puts whatever it is aimed at within, and even a demon can't escape. Once you are safely inside, you will stay there, and only a little of your substance will remain outside. Not enough to warm Xanth much. The mountains will cool, and the glaciers will grow again, and the valley below will no longer flood, and the trees will prosper."

"What arc you�an environmentalist nut or something like that?" CoTwo asked derisively.

"Something like that," Edsel agreed. He was close to the demon now.

"Don't dally, Ed." Pia cried. "Just do it!" Needless delay was sheer folly, when dealing with a brute like CoTwo. "It won't work," CoTwo said. "Oh? Why not?" Edsel held the locket up and opened his mouth, about to invoke it.

The demon's hand swept through the air so fast it left a glowing blur-streak. It snatched the locket from Edsel's hand. "Because now I have the magic locket," CoTwo said triumphantly.

Pia screamed. She hated seeming like a helpless damsel, but that was what she had become.

"No." Edsel said, looking horrified. "What are you going to do?"

"What do you think, foolish mortal? The same thing you were going to do to me. I'll conjure you into the locket. Then I'll make your girlfriend scream and scream as I ravish her. When she has suffered so much that she can't scream any more. I will break her in half and put her into the locket for you to enjoy. What do you think of that?"

"I can't stand it!" Edsel cried, turning to run away.

CoTwo leaped forward, bearing the locket. He aimed it at Edsel at close range. "In!" he said as Pia screamed again in sheer despair.

There was an implosion as the locket took in substance. A cloud of smoke puffed around, obscuring the scene.

Pia burst into tears. Not for herself, but for her lost husband "Oh, Ed�you were so brave, and I'm so undeserving. I'll never forget you or stop loving you."

The smoke dissipated. There stood Edsel. "That's great," he said.

"Ed! You're free!" She wasn't sure she could believe it. She run to hug him. "What happened? How did you�?"

"Well, I outsmarted him I�"

But as he spoke, a horrible suspicion suffused her. Could this be the demon, emulating Edsel, to torment her further? She had to know.

"Ed. who was I with, before I was with you?"

Edsel proves himself real by knowing he won Pia in a bet. Willow takes the locket.

quote:

"For sure," Edsel said. "But I'd better adjust it first." He bent and lifted the locket from where it had fallen, and used his fingernail to pry off the front panel.

"What are you doing?" Pia asked, amazed.

"Well, I figured I couldn't get close enough to CoTwo to conjure him in, so I faked him out. I used Monica's slug to put this fake front on the back, so it was actually facing the opposite way it seemed to. Then�"

"So he conjured himself inside!" Pia said. "Instead of you. That was brilliant, Ed. When he grabbed it, I thought�"

"That was the idea. You really helped, Pia, because you believed " He handed the locket to Willow. "Now it's right. Remember to point it the right way when you invoke it."

And then Edsel and Pia make out.

Pun Count: 285 by the end of Chapter 11.

# ? May 7, 2014 21:42

Decoy Badger: May 16, 2009

It took me months but I finally finished reading through this thread. Every one of the last ~5 books blend together into an offensively bland sludge of creepiness, they don't even have distinguishable plots. People meet, go through interminable shoehorned puns, then fall in love. If it wasn't for all the irrelevant crap thrown in you could just read the first and last page and be done with it. Why do you hate yourself so much, Mors Rattus?

# ? May 14, 2014 19:48

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Decoy Badger posted:

It took me months but I finally finished reading through this thread. Every one of the last ~5 books blend together into an offensively bland sludge of creepiness, they don't even have distinguishable plots. People meet, go through interminable shoehorned puns, then fall in love. If it wasn't for all the irrelevant crap thrown in you could just read the first and last page and be done with it. Why do you hate yourself so much, Mors Rattus?

I am working off my karmic debt. Also, working to develop an immunity to awfulness.

Chapter 12 puts us back with Chlorine. The party has decided to stop camping so they can find a computer.

quote:

"Let me make sure I have this straight," Kim said. "All you need is to connect with Ed and Pia via the Modemode. and switch back, and then it will all be over?"

"Yes," Chlorine said. "Once Nimby is back in his own body, in Xanth, Dearth can't touch him."

"But couldn't Dearth do something awful to Ed, for vengeance? Like stepping on a nuisance ant?"

"Dearth wouldn't bother. Nimby is all that matters. Once he escapes, the game is done, and Dearth will pay no further attention."

"Are you sure? That's not the way a human person would react."

"Demons aren't human. It took Nimby time and concentration to learn any human things, like dreaming. It doesn't come naturally. He wouldn't have done that, if he hadn't gotten so closely involved with human folk, because of his wager. No other Demon has done that. They remain indifferent to antly affairs. It's just not in a Demon to care what happens to Ed or Pia, one way or the other, when their bodies are no longer host to our spirits. They will be perfectly safe."

However, as long as he's in Edsel's body, Earth will be trying to kill him. They head back to their vehicles, but Dug's car battery is dead. A neighboring car's passengers get out and lend jumper cables, but it's no good.

quote:

"I think you have a worse problem," the man said. "Better call Triple B."

(Pun Count: 286) They debate splitting up while Dug waits for the pickup to come, but Nimby thinks Earth is trying to separate them, so they should stick together. They then debate calling a taxi, but decide Earth would have anticipated that.

quote:

Nimby agreed. So Dug went to call Triple B, while Nimby sat in the dead car and focused his ambient Awareness on No Name Key, where a person from Xanth would most likely pass through to Mundania with magic dust. If any of the Modemode folk got through to the real folk in Xanth.

And the news was good. "Willow Elf has passed through," Chlorine said. "Carrying a locket of magic dust. She has joined the Baldwin family. They are setting out to bring it here."

The Baldwins will be going to Ed and Pia's home.

quote:

"So that's where we should be going, as soon as we can." Kim said.

Chlorine looked at Nimby. "Yes." But she wasn't speaking the truth, because Nimby indicated no. Because Dearth was now listening, and would block whatever they tried to do.

The tow truck comes and they stop at a diner for a while to wait for repairs. They can't just go on the internet and win - Ed and Pia must be present on the O-Xone to make the exchange back. To do that, they have to report back to Com Passion. They leave and decide to travel closer to the Baldwins. However, a storm is rising by the time the car is ready. Nimby insists on driving the Lemon still. It turns out the car had a unique fluke wiring failure. The storm sends a tree branch falling at them. Kim and Dug get to clearing that while Nimby runs distraction.

quote:

Nimby lifted one hand, reaching behind his shoulder. Chlorine realized he wanted to talk more specifically. She touched his hand with hers.

His thought came, but she couldn't believe if at first. "You want me to drive this thing? But I don't know how."

His further thought came, instructing her in the rudiments. He was serious. He needed time to think, to spread his Awareness, to find something he needed. But he couldn't pause, because the moment he did, the storm would catch him with a bolt of lightning. It wouldn't kill him, but could kill her, and knock out his body, costing them valuable time if his body was unconscious, away from the Companions, it might be days before they got together again, and Dearth would win.

The notion appalled her, but she would have to try to do it. To give Nimby the time he needed to be Aware. It was almost the only magic he retained, and he had to have the chance to use it.

But to control the motorcycle, she would have to get in front. How could they change places, without stopping?

She drew her feet up, setting them on the saddle beside Nimby. Then she clung to his shoulders and lifted her bottom, standing behind him, bent over his head, hanging on as the wet wind tore at her body. Then she hauled one foot up and over his shoulder, and the other. Now she was standing in front of him, reaching under herself to clutch at his shoulders, her panties in his face. If he had been a normal man, in Xanth. he would have freaked out and they would have sailed into a tree. She slid down his front to land in his lap. Then he slid back, and she took over the handlebars and pedals. He put his hands on her hips, and did not move again. He was tuning out.

She was controlling the machine! All she had to do was keep it going without spinning out of control and crashing, until Nimby was through sensing. She didn't have to race, but in the driving rain the handling was treacherous. She tried to keep going straight, but veered to the left. She leaned and steered right, and veered too sharply right. The wheels went into the puddle that lined the side, sending up a spray and dragging; she felt the machine slow. But she managed to get it back into the center and straightened out.

Chlorine drives for a bit. Lightning strikes nearby, blinding and deafening her. She keeps going, but notices the bike slowing down. It must be veering. Her ears start to recover, and she notices that it sounds wetter to the left, which is where the bike is trying to drag. She fights to go straight, and her vision starts to return. She gets back on the road and accelerates, veering back and forth to be a harder target. Nimby returns shortly after and takes over.

quote:

She was concerned how to change places again, as reversing her moves would be tricky. But he simply moved up. and she lifted to sit in his lap. his arms going around her to take over the handlebars. He had control now, and knew where he was going.

He swerved, splashing through the puddle and onto a dirt trail that was now mud. The wheels slued and skidded, but the machine remained upright. The trail was sloppy, but navigable. Chlorine couldn't have done it, but Nimby seemed unconcerned.

Soon they went cross-country, zooming across a soggy field and up a wet slope. They intersected another road and followed it to a farmstead.

They stop and approach the farm.

quote:

She marched up to the farmhouse door and knocked. It opened after a moment, revealing a mature woman. "Girl, you're soaking!" the woman exclaimed. "Come in and get dry."

"Thank you, but I must go out again in a moment. I must talk to your husband."

The woman led her to a warm stove. The radiating heat was wonderful. A mature man approached. "I'm Farmer Jones. What's a slip of a girl like you doing out alone in weather like this?"

"I am Pia," Chlorine said "My party is stalled on the road because of fallen wood. We need a pulley to haul it off. I would like to trade for yours."

"I've got a spare block and tackle, but it's too heavy for you to handle."

"My�my husband Edsel is on the motorcycle. He can handle it. Our friends in the car are blocked; that's why we need it."

"My college son John can load it for you." The farmer nodded at a younger man behind him.

"Thank you. That will really help." She smiled at John, putting as much reward in it as she could muster in her bedraggled state.

"What do you have in mind to trade?"

"A�a dragon. I mean a giant reptile. Bones. Very old. On your land. We will show you where."

"What do I want with snake bones?" the farmer demanded.

"Dad, she's describing a fossil," John said. "Maybe a dinosaur."

Me, I'd just go for 'she's nuts.' The son convinces the farmer to make the deal before the bones get washed away. Nimby and John go off to get the bones.

quote:

Soon there was the sound of the returning motorcycle, and John entered. "It's true. Dad. It's a dinosaur for sure, and we'd have missed it. We'll need to shore it up, to keep it from washing into the river. Thing could be worth thousands. We'll find out when this freak storm ends and I can call my paleontology prof at college. But it sure as hell is something. Also, that's a Lemon he's riding; only good folk have those. Give them the tackle."

They start to head back, and the storm gets worse.

quote:

Nimby seemed unconcerned. He gunned the motor, following the road at high speed. Chlorine hardly dared look, for fear she would see disaster looming. She reminded herself that Nimby was not the mute dragon or man-form he seemed, but the Demon X(A/N)th, one of the overwhelmingly powerful figures of the cosmos. The fact that he lacked most of his power here did not mean that his intellect was diminished; he knew what he was doing, and where things were. He had surveyed the whole area, during his time of introspection, and now had a virtual map of it in his mind. Now that he lacked most of his magic, she was able to see the power of his other qualities, such as his Awareness and his learning ability. If she hadn't loved him already, she would have been falling in love with him now. She was nothing, owing everything to him, but he was such a superior creature.

He turned his head to glance briefly back at her, and winked. Oh� she had forgotten that he could read her thoughts! That was part of his Awareness, especially when he was so close to her.

But that reminded her that here in Mundania she was neither her natural homely, dull, unhappy self, nor her enhanced lovely, smart, nice persona. She was an ordinary person in the body of a Mundane woman. But she at least had the wit to know her limits, and to follow without question the guidance of the one whose limits were immeasurably beyond hers. She trusted Nimby, and wanted to share his fate, whatever it might be. He did not have to read her thoughts to know that he made her seem like a princess in Xanth, while he made himself seem like nothing much, but the reality was vice versa. She never forgot. If her fate was to die in Mundania, she wanted to do it in Nimby's company.

The storm gets even worse, with more and more trees falling. Nimby goes offroad.

quote:

The tackle tried to dislodge; she felt it shift as they whipped around a turn. She reached back with one hand to take hold of it. Nimby was getting them where they needed to go; she had to see that they got there with their payload.

Something odd happened. There was a funny quality to the air around them. Her long brown hair lifted of its own accord, spreading out around her head like a dark halo.

The cycle suddenly braked, skidding across the forest floor. It spun around. Chlorine screamed. But they did not fall over. Instead they paused, then took off back the way they had come.

Lightning cracked behind them. The burst of heat shoved them faster forward. Dearth had struck directly at them, but Nimby had anticipated it and maneuvered out of the way just in time. It seemed he could tell when and where lightning was about to strike.

That halo of hair�that must have been a signal. In Mundania things didn't just happen magically; they had to be prepared for. Those few seconds were enough to allow Nimby to get clear.

Eventually they get back to Dug and Kim, but it turns out they cleared the road already. This entire tackle thing was entirely pointless filler. The storm, it seems has been focusing entirely on Nimby, moving where he goes and leaving everywhere else untouched. They load the tackle into the car and get going again. With the tackle in their possession, Earth has stopped knocking over trees, since it won't work. They stop at a motel for a few hours of sleep, at Nimby's order. Nimby, meanwhile, drives off.

quote:

They took a motel room and turned on the TV while taking turns showering and cleaning up and changing to dry clothing. Chlorine saw the ongoing news and was appalled. It showed scenes of devastation. A freak storm had laid waste the region, and the Chat-A-Hoot-Cheese River and its tributaries were flooding. One of the Hooded rivers crossed their route south. The bridges were closed.

(Pun Count: 288)

quote:

Kim emerged from the shower, wrapped in a towel. She was a lanky girl, but self assured. "Look at that!" she exclaimed as the TV picture showed a bridge getting washed away. "Where is this disaster?"

"On our route south." Dug said, heading for the shower. "Freak storm, they say."

They realize the tree was just to delay them until the bridges flooded. They get some food and gas, then sleep.

quote:

"It's an irony," Dug remarked from the other bed. "We Companions are supposed to keep Nimby out of mischief in this unfamiliar land. Instead he's keeping us out of mischief."

"Nimby is very smart," Chlorine said. "And he's been studying conscience. Demons don't come with consciences; they're like machines or golems in that respect. But Nimby�s trying to learn how to love, to dream, to have conscience�all the things the souled creatures do. So this is practice for him."

"I'd say he's getting there," Kim said. "Okay, we've got the alarm set for two AM. Let's sleep."

"Shux," Dug said. "I thought we were in for six hours of hot love."

"Six minutes, swiftie." Kim retorted "Then you're done, ready or not."

"You are a hard taskmistress."

"No, a soft one. For five and a half minutes. After that I turn into a brassie lassie."

Now Chlorine really missed Nimby. The brassies were Xanth folk made of brass. Their women could be surprisingly soft when they wanted to be, but were otherwise metal hard. Kim was obliging Dug's interest, but had set a time limit well within a normal man's capability. She was a nice person. Chlorine knew that if she set Nimby such a limit, he would manage to signal five storks in five minutes. That was an advantage of not being human.

(Pun Count: 289)

quote:

She closed her eyes, imagining Nimby's performance. And thought she felt his answering nudge. Probably imagination, because of his lack of magic here. But maybe he was tuning in on her, and shared her vision and feeling. She wished they could signal the stork and have it deliver, but of course that would never happen unless Nimby wanted it. He had given her so much, she was ashamed even to think of wanting more. Of being a normal family, with all the joys and travails of raising children.

The alarm went off, startling her awake. They scrambled out of their beds and lined up at the bathroom, getting ready. Twenty minutes later they were outside, two in the car and one waiting for the motorcycle.

It came. Chlorine got on behind Nimby, and they were on their way somewhere. She wondered where he had been all night. Probably riding around in random patterns, never pausing, so that Dearth could not pin him down. Fortunately Nimby did not need sleep; when they lay together for the night, and she slept, she knew that his Awareness was reaching out, exploring all Xanth. But what about Edsel's mortal body? That must be getting tired. So where were they going now?

Not south. Nimby followed roads and trails to the side. Dearth was aware�it seemed he always knew where Nimby was, once he tuned in�and the weather worsened. But it was apparent that a storm could not be generated instantly, and Nimby, taking an unexpected direction, was staying just ahead of it. Still, this was not leading home.

They take a side trail, finding a bridge, but the road is flooded on the approach.

quote:

She got off and went to the car, which had stopped with its tires deep in standing water. "The road goes through, and crosses the river. Thereafter it�s mostly high ground. If we cross here Dearth won�t he able to flood us out later. But it will stop your motor. Turn it off. We'll make a winch. It will be slow, but can be done."

They didn't question this. They shut down the motor and brought out the block, tackle, and rope. Nimby walked the Lemon out to a stout tree then anchored the block to it. It was a special design, that could be set to increase the pulling force considerably. This required a lot of rope but they had it. Nimby had planned well. Then he tied one rope to the motorcycle and the other to the distant car. He rode the cycle along a dry ridge�and it hauled the cat slowly through the water.

Chlorine remembered that there had been an example of such a pulley in one of the movie previews they had seen on the second day in Mundania. Nimby had studied that, and learned. There had been motorcycles, too, she realized. Now he was using what he had learned then. Nothing passed him by.

Then Nimby disconnected and walked the Lemon to another tree, farther along. He repeated the process. After several such stages the car was through the deep puddle and back on dry land, at the edge of the bridge. It had been towed through the water without having to struggle to keep its motor dry. Apparently water didn't hurt a motor that wasn't running, at least not in the same way as it had in the mountains. Unless it was guided in the night by the malign power of the Demon E(A/R)th.

They let the motors dry briefly. Then they started them, without difficulty and rode across the bridge. The water was rushing tumultuously under, but the bridge supports and structure were solid; evidently this was a little known crossing that Dearth had not thought to wash out. Now it was too late.

The air dries out, and it starts to get hot. Smoke starts to rise, and fires start spontaneously.

quote:

Nimby touched her hand. "Volcanic activity?" she asked, amazed. "Are there volcanoes here?"

Not hitherto. But Dearth was angry and the power of the earth was his as well as the powers of the air and water. This region would see its first volcano, it Nimby didn�t get away from here soon.

But Nimby was already moving away from it. Then two vehicles raced past the spreading skies and left them behind. The volcano was too late. Dearth had not had time to raise it to sufficient power thanks to Nimby�s sudden change of direction. Even so. there would be new weather headlines for the local newspapers. Chlorine wondered again where Nimby had been during the night�but obviously it had not been near here. So be had surprised Dearth, and gotten through another barrier.

They pull over. Nimby has to ride in the car so he can use his awareness, while Dug handles the bike. Chlorine joins Nimby in the car.

quote:

Suddenly she was sharing his Awareness. She saw the Land of Mundania extending as her perception rose from the car, like a bird flymg upward. The trees, houses, roads, lakes, and fields spread out in the manner of an unfolding map. There were tiny cars on the roads, moving in various directions. She realized with a start that this was not a picture, this was reality. This was what was happening in this region of Mundania right now.

There was another river, also flooding, with its bridges closed They had circled around one such impediment, but now were heading into another. Well, they had almost two days to get home, and if it took one day to get around this one, they would still be in time.

The scene flew south to the peninsula of Xanth, called Florida in Mundania. It dropped down to another swollen river, crossed it,. and oriented on a town beyond. On a motel. Into that motel, searching out a particular unit. Into that unit.

There was a figure Chlorine recognized. Sean Baldwin Mundane. With a young woman who looked somewhat familiar�oh, it was Willow Elf without her wings. Her Mundane version. And Sean�s little brother David Baldwin now age fifteen. And his cat. Midrange. They had visited Xanth three years ago. Chlorine knew them well, for she and Nimby had been with them when the Ill Wind came to Xanth.

(Pun Count: 290) They have the locket, too.

quote:

Magic dust! She had for the moment forgotten. That was what Nimby needed to have some power of magic in Mundania. His body in Xanth was the source of all magic, but here he was Mundane. Until he got that dust. Sean and Willow were bringing it to him, but had been stalled by the flooded rivers. They could not get across.

Did Dearth know this? So far he had given evidence of watching only Nimby, but he surely could watch anyone he chose, here in his dreary land. So he was not only blocking Nimby's progress, with imperfect success, but blocking Sean's progress, with better success. Because Sean did not have Awareness; he could not fathom the devious ways to circumvent the barriers.

That river would take days to subside. How could Sean and Willow get through? They had Sean's car, but the bridges were closed. The bridges were in place, but deemed to be unsafe during the flood. No one was allowed on them. Maybe someone could sneak across by foot, but then he would be without his car. What could they do?

Willow perked up, cocking her head. She heard something, or sensed it. She touched Sean's arm, and whispered something to him. She had felt Nimby's Awareness! Chlorine knew this only because Nimby did. Contact had been made. Willow was of Xanthly origin, so was better attuned to magic, even this very slight magic of sensing.

But what good was it? No one could cross that river from either side. Not until the three days of the Challenge were long since over. Nimby had gone around one block, but used up a night doing it, and the block at the other end he could not do much about. So the essential nature of this contest suggested that Nimby would lose. Did it mean that Sean's party would give up it�s effort to bring the magic locket to Nimby?

Then the scene faded. The vision was done. Chlorine opened her eyes. Nimby did not. He had gone to sleep. Or at least his body had, and that was surely good.

Chlorine reports what she saw, and they decide to keep going. Nimby wakes up after a bit and stops them, telling them to turn left and stop at a motel. The motel sign says no vacancies, but there was an unexpected cancellation.

quote:

They drove to the front office. Kim got out and went in. She emerged moments later with a look of vague awe. "They thought they had no vacancies, but then they got a cancellation, so we got it."

"Nimby knew," Chlorine said.

"How could he know the future? I mean, you explained about the Awareness, but that's all in the present, isn't it?"

"I think he knew the people were canceling in the present. They just hadn't yet notified the office."

So they had a good room. This time Nimby joined them. The storm hovered, but did not intensify; Dearth seemed satisfied to keep the two rivers flooded, knowing that they represented a formidable barrier. He knew where Nimby was, and where Sean's party was, as long as they remained separated, victory was just a matter of time.

Dug and Kim get pizza and they watch TV. Nimby sleeps very deeply the entire time. They get breakfast, and Nimby suggests they just relax now and visit the local library.

quote:

Kim glanced at him, but refrained from making a sharp comment. "Well, it will pass the time, I suppose." As if they had too much time on their hands. Chlorine shared their gathering depression. Were they just supposed to dawdle here, waiting for the end?

They finished breakfast and went to the library. But as they entered, the lights went out. "Oh, another power failure." the librarian said. "I'm so sorry." Her name tag said MARY LOU MATTHEW.

Kim looked around. "You have a computer system."

"Yes, for the patrons to use to go inline," the librarian said. "They love it. But the power's been so erratic the lust two days, we can't use it."

They knew why the power failed. Nimby could escape the moment he reached the O-Xone, if he had access to the Grid at the right time.

The formal check-in time was in the next half hour, but Dearth would make sure the power didn't return until well after that, or when Nimby left the library. Things were quiet now only because Dearth was in control of the situation, but Dearth wasn't taking any chances.

They looked at books, as it was light enough without electric lights. Nimby took one about quantum physics, and read it avidly. Chlorine remembered that Dug had discussed the matter. Nimby tended to follow up on anything that attracted his interest, so now he was completing his knowledge of that subject. Chlorine preferred to look at a book of pretty pictures.

Then Nimby touched her hand. Mystified by his request, she got up and went to the library's bathroom. It had a window to the back. She loosened the latch and opened it. "Here," she said out the window.

Midrange drops in through the window, with the locket on his collar.

quote:

She carried the cat into the main section of the library and set him down beside Nimby. Nimby reached out to Midrange's collar. There was a chain with a locket. Nimby took the locket in his hand, without removing it from the cat. He touched Chlorine's hand, and she felt a thrill of power. It was the magic dust within the locket; Nimby was drawing on it without even having to open the locket. Something in her body changed. In fact she felt three pulses of change.

Chlorine stared. So did Dug and Kim. "Is that what I think it is?" Kim asked.

There was a sudden roll of thunder outside. Dearth had just caught on.

Nimby got up, briefly touched the hands of Dug and Kim. and went to the computer terminal, carrying Midrange, who seemed more than satisfied. Chlorine knew how that was. He touched the unit. It came on.

Lightning struck the building. But the library evidently had an arrester, because there was no damage. Dearth had been caught by surprise, and couldn't act swiftly enough.

Kim caught on. She leaped to the terminal and started typing. The screen came on. "But there's no power!" the librarian protested.

"Now there is," Dug said. And indeed there was, for Nimby was powering the system magically. None of them saw fit to mention that detail, however.

Chlorine sat at the adjacent terminal, joining in. This one was also working, as the current flowed throughout the system Dug came to type for her.

Kim led them straight to the O-Xone They entered it, and the hall became real around them.

Edsel and Pia were there in Breanna's leaf. So were Breanna and Justin. "We were afraid you wouldn't make it," Pia said, coming to hug Chlorine.

Yadda yadda, Midrange had the locket and Nimby guided him. Earth ignored the cat.

quote:

Nimby touched hands with Edsel, and Chlorine touched Pia. Her orientation changed, now she was looking the opposite way.

Nimby touched Chlorine's hand Suddenly she had important new information. She turned to Pia. "I have some news for you. Nimby is pleased with the way you and Ed cooperated, and has given you three gifts."

"Oh, we don't need any gifts." Pia protested "Being in Xanth was such a wonderful experience for us" She glanced at Edsel "We're going to stay married, and have children, and I'm going to study the environment. I have gained so much!"

"Then I hope you are pleased with the gifts for they have already been given," Chlorine said. "First, your body has been restored to its form at age sixteen, as it seems was your wish in Xanth, and will be easier to maintain that way."

"Oh!" Pia exclaimed "I thought that was only during the adventure. It was a foolish wish, anyway."

"It's really meant for Edsel," Chlorine said.

"Second, your diabetes is gone."

Pia's mouth dropped open. "No more needles? I thought that was only in Xanth too. The healing spring."

"No more needles. Third, you will receive a visit from the stork."

Pia was astonished "You mean�even though we were in Xanth, with your bodies?"

"Perhaps." Chlorine said "We used your bodies similarly. Because of your association with Xanth at the time, your child will have a magic talent, when visiting Xanth."

Pia seemed about to faint. "That really, gave her something to think about," Kim said, smiling. "I envy her." Kim's smile, though genuinely warm for her friend's good fortune, had a tinge of sadness she tried to mask.

"You, too, will receive a visit," Chlorine told her "With similar magic."

"A�? But that can't be! I mean�" Kim hesitated, unaware that they knew about her problem in that respect, and her secret heartache "I mean, we were in Mundania the whole time."

"The storks deliver as Nimby tells them to. The two of you were extremely helpful, and are deserving."

Now Kim was the one about to faint "You mean, I really will have�a baby?" Her underlying sadness was transforming to abiding joy, and it was mirrored in Dug's face.

"As will I." Chlorine said. Then, startled, she looked at Nimby. "I will?"

Everyone laughed. Then the three women came together and hugged each other.

"This is wonderful but weird," Breanna said, looking on somewhat enviously.

Nimby touched her hand.

"But my turn will come," Breanna added, awed. "And be worth waiting for." Behind her. Justin's eyes widened in surprised surmise.

But after a moment of thought. Pia got serious. "I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I don't think I want these�these gifts."

Kim winced "Pia, this isn't exactly something you can turn down Nimby is�"

"I know who Nimby is." Pia faced him. "I appreciate all this, Nimby. I really do. But they are selfish things. I've been selfish all my life, but in Xanth I discovered that I don't like that style. I want to�to do something useful with my life. So with all due respect, take back your gifts. I do want to be beautiful, and free of illness, and now I do want to make a family, but I would trade them all for the ability to accomplish my new purpose, which I think is to save the great old trees of Mundania, just as I helped save them in Xanth. And I guess that's something I'll just have to do by myself. I think I can do it all, the hard way."

Nimby looked at Edsel.

"No argument here," Edsel said. "All I wanted was Pia back, and I think I like her even better this way."

Nimby extended his hand to Pia. She stepped forward and took it. Nothing showed, but Chlorine knew that there was a pulse of magic. They were all in magic, all the way out to the library terminals that Nimby�s magic was animating.

Then Pia stepped back. Nimby touched Chlorine's hand.

"You now have additional intelligence, courage, and persuasiveness," Chlorine told Pia. "These qualities will help you to accomplish your purpose."

Pia smiled with genuine gratitude. "Thank you so much, Nimby. These gifts I will use well. I will always treasure my time in Xanth, but my true mission is in Mundania."

Nimby turned away. The job was done.

The others bade each other quick farewells. Then the four Mundanians departed, and Nimby and Chlorine went back toward Xanth, leaving Justin and Breanna in the Leaf.

"Wait till Pia discovers that those last gifts weren't in exchange for the first ones, but in addition," Chlorine murmured. "And wait till Edsel discovers your influence on his Lemon motorcycle, when Midrange hides the magic locket in it."

Nimby didn't reply, but he smiled. He was learning about niceness, too.

Pun Count: 290 by the end of Xone of Contention.

# ? May 14, 2014 20:33

GoodyTwoShoes: Oct 26, 2013

Wait til Pia discovers she isn't diabetic any more when she gives herself her usual dose of insulin and dies! What a great way to find out! And just when she's been forcibly converted to a Proper Wifely Stereotype, too!

On the other hand, once Demon Earth notices the Xanth-dust in Ed's motorcycle, he may view it as an invasion by Xanth and take care of these horrible people once and for all. Oh, right, no one in Xanth books ever really dies. Drat.

# ? May 15, 2014 15:58

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

quote:

"Then I hope you are pleased with the gifts for they have already been given," Chlorine said. "First, your body has been restored to its form at age sixteen, as it seems was your wish in Xanth, and will be easier to maintain that way."

"Oh!" Pia exclaimed "I thought that was only during the adventure. It was a foolish wish, anyway."

"It's really meant for Edsel," Chlorine said.

"Second, your diabetes is gone."

Pia's mouth dropped open. "No more needles? I thought that was only in Xanth too. The healing spring."

"No more needles. Third, you will receive a visit from the stork."

Pia was astonished "You mean�even though we were in Xanth, with your bodies?"

So Pia keeps her sixteen-year-old body, and gets knocked up in addition? Have fun explaining that one to the doctors ... and the cops.

# ? May 15, 2014 16:30

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 00:53

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

I like how a woman says "No, I don't want a child." and the objection is completely and utterly ignored.

# ? May 15, 2014 18:04

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

«‹›32 »