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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Slow Motion, the gene pool thanks you
«‹›171 »
 
  • Locked thread
But Not Tonight
May 22, 2006

I could show you around the sights.

 I only think the outlandish things are made up, I honestly believe SloMo does have this debt and cannot live within his means or a budget.

* # ? Feb 5, 2015 22:20
  • Quote
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# ? May 5, 2024 12:06
  • Quote
it is
Aug 19, 2011

by Smythe

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in. The girl said, "don't out dress me, and I'm going in sweatpants. But make every effort to look like my pimp". I'm thinking shiny orange and silver track suit accessorized by a tallboy in a brown paper bag. Thoughts?

'oh'

* # ? Feb 5, 2015 22:28
  • Quote
OneWhoKnows
Dec 6, 2006
I choo choo choooose you!
Let's just pretend the thread ended here:

Centripetal Horse posted:

Slow Motion steps into the foyer of his penthouse suite and hands his bespoke Zegna suit jacket to his manservant, Jeeves. Jeeves isn't really the guy's name. Slow motion thinks Jeeves' name might be Hector, but that's not a very baller name. Crossing to the massive open-plan kitchen, Slow Motion reaches for the bottle of Macallan 1939 sitting on the shelf of his solid ebony bar. The 1939 is good, but Slow Motion feels that he has outgrown it. He's probably going to upgrade, soon, perhaps to a bottle of Glenfiddich 50-year-old. Maybe he'll give the rest of the 1939 to Horace, or whatever his name is. Giving away $10,000 bottles of liquor is pretty baller.

Slow Motion is feeling good. He's been feeling good a lot, lately, ever since he got his finances under control with the help of BFC. Slow Motion has been rocketing through his career, rocketing through tax brackets, and rocketing through life. He is billing hours like crazy, his investments are running wild, and he just got a glowing review at work, with a big raise, and the promise of rapid advancement in the coming year. He owes the posters of BFC a debt of gratitude he knows he can never repay. So many people on that forum shared their advice, their knowledge, and their experiences, and asked nothing in return. Beyond mere finance, they addressed emotional and interpersonal issues that Slow Motion hadn't even been aware of. He knows that without the people of BFC, his life would have continued to spiral into a quagmire of debt, stress, and failure. Figuratively, and maybe literally, BFC saved his life. Yet, where gratitude should be, Slow Motion finds only contempt. More and more, as the trappings of success begin to ring hollow, Slow Motion's only real joy in life comes from trolling and manipulating those ants in BFC. Slow Motion isn't sure why this is, but there's no space for "introspection" on his emotional budget, so he just accepts it and enjoys the game.

Stopping at the end of his kitchen island, Slow Motion sees six laser-straight rails of coke gleaming white against the dark zinc countertop. Good old Jeeves. Picking up the gold straw from next to the lines, Slow Motion snorts only three of them. Moderation is one of the lessons BFC has taught him. Slomo needs the pick-me-up, because today's the day. According to his calculations, he has allowed the perfect amount of time to pass since the "hobby" incident. It's time to throw some more chum in the water. Walking toward his media room, Slow Motion stops in the middle of his living area and does a little pirouette, admiring the feeling of the Pyrolave flooring under his Ferragamo loafers. The floor is literally lava. How loving baller is that?

In his media room, Slow Motion settles into his plush leather recliner. On his stainless steel Lamberti Onda C desk, Slow Motion jiggles his mouse. The massive 4k monitor springs to life. The thing cost him $15k, but it has a brightness of 500 cd/m^2, whatever that means. Slow Motion finds himself staring at the familiar layout of BFC, and scrolls to his own thread. For over a year, he has been under-reporting his billed hours, over-reporting his opera expenses, and doing his best to keep everyone believing that maybe, just maybe, he's on the verge of a breakthrough. Those tactics are getting stale, though, and Slow Motion doesn't want to take a step back after the runaway success of the hobby line-item. It took him a while, but he's pretty sure he's got the perfect way to up the ante. As he's catching up on the latest from the poindexters in BFC, Slomo catches movement from the corner of his eye. Standing in the doorway is a statuesque brunette. Six feet tall and stacked, her name is Linda, or maybe Lola. She's his favorite escort from the high-end shop downtown. He'd been wasting time and money having her come and go nearly every day, so now he just pays the weekly rate. Putting Lucy on retainer was both baller and budget-friendly. BFC would definitely approve.

It takes only a few minutes of cocaine-enhanced skimming to absorb all the frustration and anger he's generated since his last visit. Post counts don't lie. They pretend they don't care, but Slow Motion knows better. He's played his part beautifully, and he knows many of the BFCers are emotionally invested. He can prey on that investment. Investment is another thing BFC has taught him the value of, but not in the way they thought. Hitting reply, Slow Motion types: "Well the debt is a thing where I have to give it money and I don't get anything for that money."

Leaning back, Slow Motion mumbles, "The Jedi are gonna feel that one." The brunette moves to his side, and Slow Motion accepts the Gurkha Black Dragon she proffers. Looking up at her, Slow Motion smiles broadly, revealing a platinum grill with "DEBT FREE" spelled out in diamonds. Reaching into the bowl next to his recliner, Slow Motion grabs a handful of $5 bills which he ignites with his 18k gold Zippo, and uses to light the cigar. A year ago, he was using $20 bills. Thank God for BFC.
* # ? Feb 5, 2015 22:38
  • Quote
paperchaseguy
Feb 21, 2002

THEY'RE GONNA SAY NO
yeah just shut it down, that post was Peak Slomo and it's never getting any better

* # ? Feb 5, 2015 22:59
  • Quote
Agile Sumo
Sep 17, 2004

It could take teams quite a bit of time to master.
Yeah this thread is over, he is obviously just trolling now.

* # ? Feb 5, 2015 23:32
  • Quote
Thesoro
Dec 6, 2005

YOU CANNOT LEARN
TO WHISTLE

Slow Motion posted:

faaaaaaaaart
faaart

* # ? Feb 5, 2015 23:39
  • Quote
Bisty Q.
Jul 22, 2008
 worst puppetmaster post ever, 0/10.

* # ? Feb 6, 2015 00:14
  • Quote
RIP Paul Walker
Feb 26, 2004

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.

Slow Motion posted:

I'm trying to think of a good outfit to go to the abortion in.
* # ? Feb 6, 2015 00:45
  • Quote
Shugojin
Sep 6, 2007

THE TAIL THAT BURNS TWICE AS BRIGHT...


 Slomo just wear a shirt that says PROUD DADDY, act like you have no idea what an abortion clinic is, and generally make everyone around you profoundly uncomfortable.

* # ? Feb 6, 2015 00:49
  • Quote
Phil Moscowitz
Feb 19, 2007

If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!
"But...honey...I thought we were just here for a prenatal checkup?"

* # ? Feb 6, 2015 01:11
  • Quote
Postmaster GBS
Jan 14, 2013

 Lock this poo poo up. It hasn't been good since the fan fiction

* # ? Feb 6, 2015 02:15
  • Quote
slap me silly
Nov 1, 2009
Grimey Drawer
Ya know, I agree. Ah, the perfect stopping point:

Centripetal Horse posted:

Slow Motion steps into the foyer of his penthouse suite and hands his bespoke Zegna suit jacket to his manservant, Jeeves. Jeeves isn't really the guy's name. Slow motion thinks Jeeves' name might be Hector, but that's not a very baller name. Crossing to the massive open-plan kitchen, Slow Motion reaches for the bottle of Macallan 1939 sitting on the shelf of his solid ebony bar. The 1939 is good, but Slow Motion feels that he has outgrown it. He's probably going to upgrade, soon, perhaps to a bottle of Glenfiddich 50-year-old. Maybe he'll give the rest of the 1939 to Horace, or whatever his name is. Giving away $10,000 bottles of liquor is pretty baller.

Slow Motion is feeling good. He's been feeling good a lot, lately, ever since he got his finances under control with the help of BFC. Slow Motion has been rocketing through his career, rocketing through tax brackets, and rocketing through life. He is billing hours like crazy, his investments are running wild, and he just got a glowing review at work, with a big raise, and the promise of rapid advancement in the coming year. He owes the posters of BFC a debt of gratitude he knows he can never repay. So many people on that forum shared their advice, their knowledge, and their experiences, and asked nothing in return. Beyond mere finance, they addressed emotional and interpersonal issues that Slow Motion hadn't even been aware of. He knows that without the people of BFC, his life would have continued to spiral into a quagmire of debt, stress, and failure. Figuratively, and maybe literally, BFC saved his life. Yet, where gratitude should be, Slow Motion finds only contempt. More and more, as the trappings of success begin to ring hollow, Slow Motion's only real joy in life comes from trolling and manipulating those ants in BFC. Slow Motion isn't sure why this is, but there's no space for "introspection" on his emotional budget, so he just accepts it and enjoys the game.

Stopping at the end of his kitchen island, Slow Motion sees six laser-straight rails of coke gleaming white against the dark zinc countertop. Good old Jeeves. Picking up the gold straw from next to the lines, Slow Motion snorts only three of them. Moderation is one of the lessons BFC has taught him. Slomo needs the pick-me-up, because today's the day. According to his calculations, he has allowed the perfect amount of time to pass since the "hobby" incident. It's time to throw some more chum in the water. Walking toward his media room, Slow Motion stops in the middle of his living area and does a little pirouette, admiring the feeling of the Pyrolave flooring under his Ferragamo loafers. The floor is literally lava. How loving baller is that?

In his media room, Slow Motion settles into his plush leather recliner. On his stainless steel Lamberti Onda C desk, Slow Motion jiggles his mouse. The massive 4k monitor springs to life. The thing cost him $15k, but it has a brightness of 500 cd/m^2, whatever that means. Slow Motion finds himself staring at the familiar layout of BFC, and scrolls to his own thread. For over a year, he has been under-reporting his billed hours, over-reporting his opera expenses, and doing his best to keep everyone believing that maybe, just maybe, he's on the verge of a breakthrough. Those tactics are getting stale, though, and Slow Motion doesn't want to take a step back after the runaway success of the hobby line-item. It took him a while, but he's pretty sure he's got the perfect way to up the ante. As he's catching up on the latest from the poindexters in BFC, Slomo catches movement from the corner of his eye. Standing in the doorway is a statuesque brunette. Six feet tall and stacked, her name is Linda, or maybe Lola. She's his favorite escort from the high-end shop downtown. He'd been wasting time and money having her come and go nearly every day, so now he just pays the weekly rate. Putting Lucy on retainer was both baller and budget-friendly. BFC would definitely approve.

It takes only a few minutes of cocaine-enhanced skimming to absorb all the frustration and anger he's generated since his last visit. Post counts don't lie. They pretend they don't care, but Slow Motion knows better. He's played his part beautifully, and he knows many of the BFCers are emotionally invested. He can prey on that investment. Investment is another thing BFC has taught him the value of, but not in the way they thought. Hitting reply, Slow Motion types: "Well the debt is a thing where I have to give it money and I don't get anything for that money."

Leaning back, Slow Motion mumbles, "The Jedi are gonna feel that one." The brunette moves to his side, and Slow Motion accepts the Gurkha Black Dragon she proffers. Looking up at her, Slow Motion smiles broadly, revealing a platinum grill with "DEBT FREE" spelled out in diamonds. Reaching into the bowl next to his recliner, Slow Motion grabs a handful of $5 bills which he ignites with his 18k gold Zippo, and uses to light the cigar. A year ago, he was using $20 bills. Thank God for BFC.
* # ? Feb 6, 2015 02:17
  • Quote
Slow Motion
Jul 19, 2004

My favorite things in life are sex, drugs, feeling like a baller, and being $30,000 in debt.
So the abortion went well. I ended up not really dressing up. I haven't felt anxious, but given how tired I've been the last week *some* part of me was and is stressing out about it. Her insurance actually covered the whole thing, PLUS an IUD. She said she was inspired by my decision to get snipped. Babies getting prevented all over here. I think I'll spend the $250 I had budgeted for it on a nice steak dinner for us. I hear abortions can drive a woman anemic real fast.

My vasectomy is scheduled for the 21st, which is also my birthday. :toot:.

Work is heating up fast. It looks like I'll be back billing in the 180-220 hour range for the next few months.

There is one potential drama bomb in my future that has even me questioning if this is reality. My (no longer) baby mama's work just hired an girl with the same name as my ex. It's in a field she could probably get hired in, and she would have gotten back from the Alaska gig about a week ago. Her name is neither common nor rare, but if it is her... A poo poo show approacheth.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 22:46
  • Quote
Thesoro
Dec 6, 2005

YOU CANNOT LEARN
TO WHISTLE
reclose the thread you dumb rear end in a top hat

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 22:48
  • Quote
Veskit
Mar 2, 2005

I love capitalism!! DM me for the best investing advice!
Ohhh I thought the mods had closed the thread not Slow Motion, yeah keep this poo poo closed and move it into the gold mine or burn it.



Moments like this baffle me he's so good at being so dumb I can't tell if it's trolling or not :psyduck:. Hell until now I didn't know you could unlock a mod locked thread.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 22:52
  • Quote
Shugojin
Sep 6, 2007

THE TAIL THAT BURNS TWICE AS BRIGHT...

Veskit posted:

Ohhh I thought the mods had closed the thread not Slow Motion, yeah keep this poo poo closed and move it into the gold mine or burn it.

I think they did and he's just an idiot who re-opened a modlocked thread.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 22:53
  • Quote
BloodBag
Sep 20, 2008

WITNESS ME!



 I'm glad it's back open. All the others are boring and the last time I did one I got doxxed.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:02
  • Quote
canyoneer
Sep 13, 2005


I only have canyoneyes for you

Taco Box posted:

I'm glad it's back open. All the others are boring and the last time I did one I got doxxed.

Your thread was cool. This one sucks.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:04
  • Quote
slap me silly
Nov 1, 2009
Grimey Drawer

Shugojin posted:

he's just an idiot who re-opened a modlocked thread

Gonna need to see a photo of the receipt from that steak dinner, slomo

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:04
  • Quote
Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Dec 22, 2005

GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS
 reopening the thread when slomo has actual updates seems cool to me, multiple pages of sick burns with nothing in the way of updates not so much, SMS's call

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:05
  • Quote
El_Elegante
Jul 3, 2004

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Biscuit Hider
I really thought we'd see an honest to goodness mod challenge in this thread before it got aborted like baby SloMo

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:06
  • Quote
Cythereal
Nov 8, 2009

I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

El_Elegante posted:

I really thought we'd see an honest to goodness mod challenge in this thread before it got aborted like baby SloMo

Sadly, like baby SloMo and the abortion, I suspect it's simply a figment of someone's imagination. I don't think SloMo's been telling the truth ever since the thread was not impressed by his initial posts and changed trolling tactics.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:09
  • Quote
Henrik Zetterberg
Dec 7, 2007

Slow Motion posted:

So the abortion went well. I ended up not really dressing up. I haven't felt anxious, but given how tired I've been the last week *some* part of me was and is stressing out about it. Her insurance actually covered the whole thing, PLUS an IUD. She said she was inspired by my decision to get snipped. Babies getting prevented all over here. I think I'll spend the $250 I had budgeted for it on a nice steak dinner for us. I hear abortions can drive a woman anemic real fast.

My vasectomy is scheduled for the 21st, which is also my birthday. :toot:.

Work is heating up fast. It looks like I'll be back billing in the 180-220 hour range for the next few months.

There is one potential drama bomb in my future that has even me questioning if this is reality. My (no longer) baby mama's work just hired an girl with the same name as my ex. It's in a field she could probably get hired in, and she would have gotten back from the Alaska gig about a week ago. Her name is neither common nor rare, but if it is her... A poo poo show approacheth.

You should probably budget your money.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:11
  • Quote
Inept
Jul 8, 2003

 Eat the steaks Slow Motion.

* # ? Feb 10, 2015 23:50
  • Quote
Nocheez
Sep 5, 2000

Can you spare a little cheddar?
Nap Ghost

Slow Motion posted:

So the abortion went well. I ended up not really dressing up. I haven't felt anxious, but given how tired I've been the last week *some* part of me was and is stressing out about it. Her insurance actually covered the whole thing, PLUS an IUD. She said she was inspired by my decision to get snipped. Babies getting prevented all over here. I think I'll spend the $250 I had budgeted for it on a nice steak dinner for us. I hear abortions can drive a woman anemic real fast.

My vasectomy is scheduled for the 21st, which is also my birthday. :toot:.

Work is heating up fast. It looks like I'll be back billing in the 180-220 hour range for the next few months.

There is one potential drama bomb in my future that has even me questioning if this is reality. My (no longer) baby mama's work just hired an girl with the same name as my ex. It's in a field she could probably get hired in, and she would have gotten back from the Alaska gig about a week ago. Her name is neither common nor rare, but if it is her... A poo poo show approacheth.

:happened:

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:04
  • Quote
slap me silly
Nov 1, 2009
Grimey Drawer

slap me silly posted:

Gonna need to see a photo of the receipt from that steak dinner, slomo

Or maybe the receipt from the vasectomy.

Do not post a picture of your balls.

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:07
  • Quote
it is
Aug 19, 2011

by Smythe
slow motion fertilize the eggs

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:10
  • Quote
slap me silly
Nov 1, 2009
Grimey Drawer

it is posted:

slow motion fertilize the eggs

please god no

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:15
  • Quote
it is
Aug 19, 2011

by Smythe
slow motion photograph the eggs

slow motion steak and eggs (oh wait leftovers aren't baller)

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:17
  • Quote
But Not Tonight
May 22, 2006

I could show you around the sights.

 the only thing left to do is issue a mod challenge, SMS

you know this to be true

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:20
  • Quote
fiery_valkyrie
Mar 26, 2003

I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you lost. You lost bad. But the important thing is I beat up someone who hurt my feelings in high school.

Slow Motion posted:

There is one potential drama bomb in my future that has even me questioning if this is reality. My (no longer) baby mama's work just hired an girl with the same name as my ex. It's in a field she could probably get hired in, and she would have gotten back from the Alaska gig about a week ago. Her name is neither common nor rare, but if it is her... A poo poo show approacheth.

It's cute that you think two girls would want to fight over you.

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:24
  • Quote
canyoneer
Sep 13, 2005


I only have canyoneyes for you
 Wasn't there a goon earlier in this thread who was acquainted with SlowMo? I require notarized third party verification

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 00:46
  • Quote
pig slut lisa
Mar 5, 2012

irl is good

fiery_valkyrie posted:

It's cute that you think two girls would want to fight over you.

I mean, if he keeps buying them poo poo why wouldn't they :shrug:

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 01:34
  • Quote
movax
Aug 30, 2008

 So this thread introduced me to that Lamberti Onda C desk. I'm not going to lie, that's a loving sweet and baller looking desk. I would rock the hell out of it if I had the disposable income to drop $14k on a desk.

SloMo I will forgive you for everything if you actually buy one.

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 01:45
  • Quote
MrKatharsis
Nov 29, 2003

feel the bern
 Mod challenge or abort thread.

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:49
  • Quote
slap me silly
Nov 1, 2009
Grimey Drawer
Everybody update your votes. They may determine whether this ends up in the goldmine or the gas chamber.

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:51
  • Quote
awesmoe
Nov 30, 2005

Pillbug

slap me silly posted:

Everybody update your votes. They may determine whether this ends up in the goldmine or the gas chamber.

Goldmine the first half, gas the second half

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:55
  • Quote
poopzilla
Nov 23, 2004

 shitcan this crap

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:57
  • Quote
My Rhythmic Crotch
Jan 13, 2011

 This is a stupid and bad thread that should either be in E/N or stomped into the dirt

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:58
  • Quote
Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 5, 2024 12:06
  • Quote
opus111
Jul 6, 2014

 it was a fun read, goldmine it. why are peopoole so mad if its fake or exaggerated?

* # ? Feb 11, 2015 02:59
  • Quote
  • Locked thread
The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Slow Motion, the gene pool thanks you
«‹›171 »