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Sorry for dredging up an old thread. I have borderline PD, on top of depression, ADD, and PTSD. It is loving miserable. The splitting is definitely a major thing: I typically hate myself and everything about me, but occasionally I'll accomplish something and feel like a badass for ten minutes, tops. If that. And then I'll remember that no, I'm a pathetic waste of air and it was probably dumb luck, and be right back where I was. I've been like this for most of my life. I tried to tell my husband, before we even got together, back when he was moving in as a roommate, that "hey, I have really bad mental health stuff going on, I'm really sorry if this impacts you badly, please tell me and I'll try to stop it". I still feel like I somehow trapped him in this relationship or made him love me out of obligation. He has his own issues (autism, depression, agoraphobia) and I'm pretty sure there's some degree of codependency going on. I have books on it, and I need to work on it, but it's really hard to stay focused. I tried DBT, at the local teaching hospital's mental health center. It was a pretty stripped-down version and I don't think the therapists running it were doing a very good job. Due to chronic pain, body-focused mindfulness sounds like a cruel joke, and when I attempted outwardly-focused mindfulness, I felt like I was being judged for being disruptive or not being able to do mindfulness the way everyone else was. I was proactive about my problems with DBT to the therapists, but they brushed me off. Additionally, it was only a year, and maybe two sessions a week (an hour at a time), and I just didn't get much of anything out of it. I'm gonna try regular therapy, see if that helps, but I don't know anywhere else in town that does DBT or would take someone with a personality disorder. I'm glad Joanne was able to reach some degree of stability. I'm sorry it didn't work out with her in the end, but I totally understand why. I tell my husband often that it'd be safer and beneficial for him to just leave me, but he refuses. I haven't cheated, but I really understand the constant guilt of being out of control and unable to stop hurting someone you love. You're very determined and I'm impressed you stuck it out as long as you did. You're a great man and I'm sure you're going to have a much better life after coming through all this. Congratulations on your PhD.
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Jul 7, 2014 21:25
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| # ¿ May 17, 2024 21:53 |
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