Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

BeigeJacket posted:

Has there ever been any films based on Historical Jesus? Paul Verhoeven has been trying to make one for years, but it looks doubtful that it will ever happen now.

There was Jesus of Montreal, which is about a team of actors setting up a Passion Play where they make multiple references to historical research on Jesus, and all the controversy that generates, among other things.

# ¿ May 13, 2014 05:37

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 04:40

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Academy Award Winner Nicholas Cage!

# ¿ Aug 6, 2014 18:49

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

K. Waste posted:

So I'm watching the History Channel movie Son of God, and though I'm only a half-hour in, I've been collecting some thoughts:

Did you know that even though Jesus was all man, he could walk across the desert without breaking a sweat?

Many people know about Jesus's miracles and parables, but few of them know about that time he picked up and put down a rock.

Did you know that Jesus converted Peter in a one-hour pitch?

Did you know the average amount of fish that rots away on the hot set of your average Jesus film could feed a starving village of 5,000 for a day?

For all of you kids, when Jesus says he will make Peter a "fisher of men," he is not trying to recruit him as a male prostitute. "Fish" means something entirely different here."

Despite popular confusion, and though Jesus told many parables, "Be Like Water" was not one of them. That was Bruce Lee.

That Jesus did not in fact heal the lame man only because he felt the doubt in the hearts of his followers, but because he was called out, and he decided to make them look like idiots. Jesus was kinda smug, but, you know, if you were God's son, you'd be a little smug, too, I reckon.

The Beatitudes have it all wrong, "Life of Brian"-style. Jesus really said "Blast" not "blessed."

Did you know that Jesus did not rebuke multiple Pharisees in separate instances, but actually the same Pharisee over and over again? Pharisees in Jerusalem were basically like that one or two cops in 70s action shows.

Every time I hear about Jesus movies, I just think about how much I love Last Temptation of Christ.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8V4Yzif8jQY

It's one of my favourite movies. It's the only Jesus movie I've seen that takes his message seriously.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2014 06:11

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Personally, I really hope they make that movie version of Reza Aslan's Zealot. The reaction alone would be worth it.

# ¿ Apr 7, 2015 04:44

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Luminous Obscurity posted:

Tolkien? By the standards of his time, I mean.

I don't remember Tolkien doing anything particularly dickish even by our standards. He was just an Oxford professor who wanted a quiet life after most of his friends got brutally slaughtered druing WWI.

# ¿ Aug 27, 2015 18:22

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Yeah, the Taiping Rebellion is one of the biggest wars in hsitory and it's barely talked about.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2015 00:08

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Jack Gladney posted:

Would Lord of the Rings work as a secular but obviously Christian narrative?

Tolkien certainly though of it as a christian allegory.

# ¿ Sep 7, 2015 06:10

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Robotnik Nudes posted:

No he didn't. It reflects his view of morality and Middle Eart has a Christian inspired cosmology but it's not an allegory. It's a Christianity's pan-European pagan mythology but not Al allegory. There are a lot of allegorical aspects but they aren't in any way coherent and most relate to super weapons and industrialized warfare.

Narnia on the other hand is straight up allegory. Allan is Jesus and The Last Battle is the best depiction of the catholic apocalypse.

Right, not allegory, but still deeply rooted in his christian morality. I mispoke.

# ¿ Sep 7, 2015 06:43

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

SSNeoman posted:

More Xenosaga than Eva tbh.

loving Zohar emulators. Never leave them lying around guys, it just cause troubles.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2015 06:19

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

What is the question? Is it the Crocoduck?

# ¿ Aug 1, 2016 14:57

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

I'd like to make a movie about a Native American going back in time to stop the genocide of his people.

# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 19:46

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

coyo7e posted:

I'm sure that if they just went back and killed Christopher Columbus' mother, nobody would have come and colonized

Well, at least they'd have stopped a guy so evil even the Spanish Inquisition thought he was going too far.

Edit: But really I'd go with the stupid alt-history take and have them bring guns and medical tech from the future.

# ¿ Aug 3, 2016 14:42

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

You forgot the fourth category: Carman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_UO8wlZymM

# ¿ Dec 15, 2016 09:51

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

DStecks posted:

Absolutely none of this is in the Bible.

What is in the bible is Satan hanging out with God and making a bet to ruin someone'S life for shits and giggles.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2016 03:12

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 04:40

MonsieurChoc: Oct 12, 2013; Every species can smell its own extinction.

Just watch Doomsday instead:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVoqCbUKhnA

# ¿ Dec 20, 2016 06:01

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread