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I remember this, I gave you a lot of feedback in 2012 on your pilot back when you first posted it. You've technically improved although as it seems others have pointed out, you're not quite there yet. But definitely an improvement and I would say acceptable for a youtube show. Most of the jokes just plain fall flat. The one I did laugh at was the "she was funny" smash cut at 5:28-ish. Trying to repeat it again immediately just plain didn't work, at all. None of the characters are particularly likeable. I get that you're trying to show them as flawed and have them grow throughout the series but they are completely unlikeable now. You've got two jerk misogynists, a whiny girl whose only trait is "nice" and a girl who basically exists and has the second worst line in the video (cock/shot). The short-haired fellow was too smug and not in an endearing way. Also the date rape joke sucked, sorry. When you make an offensive joke, it's important to be aware of who or what is the butt of the joke. The acting is unnatural and flat. It's high school play level. I don't know if your actors are bad, it seems like nobody was directing them. Not expressive enough and the dialogue feels forced. It sounds forced too, which may be a writing problem. Also I'm sorry but the lead girl's lisp is just plain distracting to me. Biggest problem is nothing happens, at all. Just like last time, it's a bunch of people sitting around talking. Acting requires action, action requires a plot. Jokes require a plot. The characters' personalities and the dialogue aren't good enough to carry it on their own. What's your story? Like, what's the long game? I want to know in your next post what THINGS are going to happen to these characters to make this an actual story. Also I know you're really set on this metalhead thing but it's really not working. If you're trying to be sincere, you missed that boat by at least a decade. If you're trying to be ironic, you're not pulling it off. Look, there is no way I'm buying a guy in a nightmare before christmas shirt as sploosh-level hot unless I'm supposed to be laughing at her for finding him hot and laughing at him for looking like an idiot in 1998, let alone 2014, but it really looks like you're being genuine. I honestly think you should take this as a learning experience and start over with a new project, and start at the character level. Give them interesting and individual traits, make them likeable but flawed in a relate-able way, then create interesting and unusual (both are extremely important) situations to put them in, and figure out from there what they would do or say, and think of funny things that could happen in those situations, and your dialogue and jokes will flourish naturally before anybody gets behind a camera. Honestly I think you and your team are not incompetent, but this is really not working. I don't think you should quit, in fact you've gotten much better since the last time around and I'm happy to see you all improving, but this is just not working. A fresh start could give you some much needed perspective. I hope you take this as a positive criticism overall, even though I know I'm being negative.
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Feb 24, 2014 01:05
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| # ¿ May 21, 2024 09:20 |
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Jalumibnkrayal posted:This is a terrible post. There are plenty of reasons to keep doing the show: it's fun, learning experience, building a reel, direct links, etc. Hammering away at the OP because they chose a name which requires you to click one extra time to find it via google/youtube is just petty. It's one of the most valid criticisms posted so far. Even retard Let's Players are concerned with search engine optimization and anyone who wants to have any modicum of success on the internet ought to be too. It's like starting a business that has no address. I'm sure it's good experience, but at the end of the day you really want to have customers who can find you.
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May 19, 2014 04:03
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