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I can't even believe how many incredible things happen in those first two videos. Your serious feminism discussion juxtaposed with firing a crossbow at a kitten, chatting about the lack of player agency as you put a pirate hat on a dog. Also holy loving poo poo the racism is already incredible and you have barely scratched the surface. I don't have anything to say about the killing men with eye lasers game because it's accurate to real life.
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Jan 17, 2014 22:05
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Geop posted:Aw yeah, been waiting on this thread Geop holy poo poo that gang tag. Hooooooooooooooly poo poo. Also I think it might be playdies? I have no official content to reference. edit: I keep leaving the thread and then coming back again to laugh at that gang tag like a crazy person
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Jan 18, 2014 00:21
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I'M READY FOR SOME PINK STUFF AND GLITTER AND poo poo
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Okay, I've installed a whole crapload of hot loving garbage games onto my iphone to try for this thread, and I've already begun receiving random endless notifications that I neeD TO GO DO MY HAIR FOR THE PARTY RIGHT NOW. Dvac why did I install these. Why.
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Jan 18, 2014 06:49
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Hi guys! I got way too excited about this thread so please enjoy part one of Let's Check Out Horrible iPhone Games (FOR GIRLS)  I knew we were off to a good start when all I had to do was type in "games" and it immediately prompted me for "games for girls".  I immediately downloaded every single game that looked awful and was free. I took a screenshot of this one in particular because I was so distracted by the horrible screenshot I almost accidentally paid money for something. No, I did not actually buy this one ugh. All together I downloaded 11 different games, each of which I spent a varying amount of time on, so you'll see bits and pieces of these messes across a couple posts I think. First up is Style Me Girl!!  I missed grabbing a screenshot of the title screen, which lasted about .4 seconds and ran off the sides of the screen in both directions. Here is our model? I guess? She looks like a creepy anime blowup doll.   Though once we choose the career option, we're given our actual first model, Jenny. I was shocked to see the first character you get to actually interact with in this game wasn't white!  Here's more of that text running off the sides crap I was talking about.  There are a lot of really useless intro screens in this game, but this one crosses the line into creepy. You want her to look "delicious"? I... what? Okay. Is there a hotdog costume or something?   First we go into her closet to get her into something more fancy than her weird extremely conservative underwear (???)   The thought bubble really came out of nowhere and I'm still laughing at it. Also, every time you pick anything in this dressup scenario a creepy robotic woman's voice yells "FABULOUS" or "SO FASHIONABLE" out of the speakers. I should also probably point out there were almost no clothes in the closet, just this dress and one shirt/shorts combo. I think you have to buy the rest of the clothes with in-app purchases. Gross.  All right, it's time for the photo shoot! Let's make her look *FAB*.   I have 30 seconds to take shots while the model cycles through these really creepy and stiff poses. It's not so much "animated" as "possibly haunted".  But we did it! And I got... extra points for bare shoulders? And leather. This game is weird. Also I won some dumbass currency that's related to their lovely in-app purchase bullshit.  Nope okay no thanks I'm done with this game.  Up next is a game I was actually really surprised by in terms of quality, High School Story.  Obviously we are a lady up in this thread. I was surprised I had a choice, though?  Clearly we are nerdy as hell, making a screenshot post for a videogame thread on the internet.  This default girl just ain't doin it for me. I had to make her look as much like me as possible.  Much better! Being able to use unnatural hair colors was another thing that surprised me here, because I haven't really seen any other "girl games" with customization that allow you to do that.     Autumn I think might have some problems, because right now the "school" is an open field. Also it might be covered in snow? Either that or we're in some kind of untextured nightmare void.  High School Story is a kind of game that's fairly popular in the mobile market. You are given a blank plot of land, a store full of components, and a general goal of "make this the best ____ ever!!!". It's got elements of a tycoon game (sort of) mixed with farmville. High School Story also incorporates quests, but we'll get there later. First we've gotta buy this super cool nerd hangout.   I smashed that flirty option so hard I nearly punched the phone out of my hand.   This blows my mind. Not only does this game have not completely awful writing, I'm allowed to hit on the girls??? I didn't play far enough to the point where I unlocked "dating", but this game definitely has dating. Can I be in a gay relationship?? I think I actually can.  Okay I can't get all hung up on freedom of sexuality in what was listed as a girl's game, let's move things forward and buy an admissions office for more students to join.   Time to purchase some students to populate the school with!  This guy seems all right.  Oh, we're also allowed to customize the other students who attend the school? That's a little weird narratively but pretty fun gameplay wise. Also I love that there are really gender-neutral haircuts available for both girls and boys. That's pretty progressive for what I expected to be hot loving garbage.  There we go, perfect.    LP Fanfic Story Generator.  So the next thing we do is buy a classroom so we can level up our characters.  Nothing but the finest classes for our high school students, including classics such as "How Do I Math".  Here's the leveling screen, where I just tap on the books a bunch until I become a level 2 nerd. You can also see the blank spot where my potential dating partner goes. Also apparently I can sell the students???    This is our basic intro to the quest system, which is interesting for this kind of game.  The first quest was to level ourselves up, and we did it! We're rewarded with xp. The levels tied to the xp system are different from the character levels. Knowing this kind of game, the overall levels gained from xp will unlock more game features further down the road.  The next quest was to level up Geop, which I would have cut entirely but I can't stop laughing like a maniac every time he says a line. But then! Some drama occurred.       I wish I had more commentary for this other than my ridiculously loud laughter echoing throughout the house. I guess it's time for Geop and I to go punch a cheerleader in the face together!!   Geop is ready to stone cold drop a bitch for me.    drat right.   I love that this dude is already insulting our school, which has only existed for 20 seconds and has one classroom.      Oh poo poo, it's time for a throw down! The moment of truth! Blood on the pavement!  Lmbo guess what I picked     So something double amazing happened here, in that the dialogue started advancing by itself too quickly for me to get screencaps of. Normally it doesn't advance until I tap the screen but something about this scenario totally flipped the game out.   It's so much better this way, it's like they were too shocked to react correctly and then left.  Anyway we win!!! We're the best! At this point I solidly decided this game wasn't crappy enough to continue with for this thread. I've got 9 more games to go through (and believe me, high school story was easily the very best one I tried), so prepare yourselves next time for the horror of the Easy-Bake Oven Simulator and Extreme Closeup Toenail Clipping '99. Panzer Skank fucked around with this message at 22:58 on Jan 18, 2014 |
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Jan 18, 2014 22:54
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Okay, let's continue on with part 2 of Really lovely iOS Games For GURRLZ Oh boy! Let's E-Z bake us some products that may or may not be actually available for the real easy bake oven!  We obviously had to choose cupcakes because that thing is a loving monstrosity. Look at that! Who would ever eat that other than a cartoon character!   There were some kinds of "normal" looking cupcakes available here but again the obvious choice is the horrifying non-food.    It's so realistic! Cooking Mama, pack up your poo poo, you've been beat.  You just kind of nastily blorp the batter on in there and it's fine, I guess. I feel like this is giving kids a really bad impression of what cooking is actually like.  Oh boy we get to pick the oven color! This changes literally nothing about how the cupcakes bake. Is that second one supposed to be the extreme version made for boys, though??  To bake you just slide the sheet in. It's barely responsive and took about a thousand swipes to inch it across the screen.   This game constantly pops weird notifications. The wait time was less than 10 seconds, how could I have possibly stopped staring directly at it in that amount of time?  Another barely functional thousand swipes to pull them out. They haven't risen or anything, they're just flat, sad batter.   I shook those lovely cupcakes out all over the drat floor. Actually I thought maybe I somehow hosed up because they still definitely look like batter, but no it's just laziness on the part of the game artist.  Let's decorate!!   There's actually quite a few decorating options, but they are all completely hideous and bizarre. Black frosting! Sure! It looks like someone spread tar on this gross thing.   Oh hey wait, there's an eat button?? I gotta eat this nasty poo poo right now.  Oh man what the hell does my mouth look like that my teeth pattern looks like that  I decided to try decorating a second one, and for some loving reason the game immediately presented me with chocolate turkeys to decorate it with.  I think we're done.  Next up is some kind of nail painting game! I'm actually REALLY into nail polish in real life, so I went into this with high hopes.  Okay, so we can decorate each finger individually or apply it to all the nails at once, that's kind of neat.   Blugh ugh what's going on with this nail though?? Why is it see-through even after I apply polish to it?  I picked a really dark color hoping it would cover the weird see-through finger thing but it didn't change anything.   I somehow progressed the game forward to where I could change skin color, background color, and put rings on her fingers, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get back to coloring her nails.  But it turns out one of the options is to just apply a premade art set to the nails so like what was even the point of coloring them? I give up on this.  Maybe painting toenails will be better?  Oh these are all lovely nice feet of different races! Nice work!  Oh my god no what happened ughh UGHH   So instead of painting nails, our new goal is to wash this girl's horrible nasty-rear end foot.  We also have to remove the old polish on her toes, which is also gross.  Then we get the mega gross toe closeup. We have to trim her toenails and... do something else? There's that second tool in the bottom right, but I absolutely can't figure out what it does. I couldn't get it to react to any part of the toe or the nail.  Also when you drag it up far enough it has a big-tittied girl on the bottom for some reason.  You've got to trim each disgusting toenail, one at a time. This is what every little girl wants in life, I'm sure.  Next is painting the nails, but more than half of the colors are locked for some reason. I'm pretty sure it's behind a real money IAP as well, which is super gross.   You can color the nails, and then draw on it with your finger in a different color if you'd like, which is kind of neat.  I got carried away. Then I noticed that unlike the fingernail polish game, there's no "apply to other nails" button.  Ugh no way, I'm not taking the time to individually paint each drat toenail here.   There are a lot of super weird options here that aren't related to nail art. You get to pick her shoes, and then if she has any... foot... tattoos ?  Also they just give you a marker to draw with for some reason ?? ??  ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Next time: oh my god there are still more
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Jan 20, 2014 04:47
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Endorph posted:Am I the only one curious about CLASH OF CLANS PHENOMENAL COMBAT STRATEGY GAME? Excuse me that doesn't sound very appropriate for little girls!! How many rainbows and ponies are in it? Do you get to scrub someone's feet?
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Jan 20, 2014 04:55
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reignonyourparade posted:To be fair to a couple of those iOS games, "score points to unlock options to score points to unlock options" is a tried and true method of game design, it just happens to be easily applied to mobile games for "OR you could pay real money to skip all that." But the key here is how they're balanced. There's nothing wrong with the method in itself, but the problem comes when the points you score is only a bare fraction of what you need to unlock the next improvement. Good games have a solid balance so that the player feels like they're making real progress each time they gain more points toward something. A lot of these games are specifically balanced so that it feels more and more like a hopeless grind without spending real money. That's less of a problem with "girl" games and more of a problem with free to play garbage in general, though a huge portion of the girl games on iOS seem fall into the free to play garbage category. Probably because they're easy to make, require little to no thought toward system design, and primarily exist to frustrate you into spending money.
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Jan 20, 2014 06:57
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dijon du jour posted:That's a cuticle trimmer. You are most likely supposed to use it to gouge out that opaque white area at the bottom of the nail. Okay but like, I own cuticle trimmers, and they don't look like that! Also my first thought was maybe to do something to the cuticles or around the edges of the nail but nothing responds, so who knows. I'm not trying again. I am not scrubbing a lady's foot for this thread more than once.
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Jan 20, 2014 07:01
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Innovacious posted:I am disappointed you did not finish potty race. I've seen the victory screen. It is certainly a thing to behold. I'm losing my loving mind what the actual gently caress. I'm so glad dvac didn't beat the game in our video because I would have just made incomprehensible sounds of disgust for the rest of my commentary.
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Jan 27, 2014 22:00
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Oh boy! It's time again for Really Awful iOS Games For Gurlz: Part 3 Now we're hittin some serious levels of trash. This is STARDOM - THE A-LIST.  It's another game where I was genuinely surprised to find a gender choice offered. This time let's be a guy.  I made us a real STAR here. Actually all I did was mash random because the (you can do this later!) text beneath the customize option interested me. I can change my entire physical appearance later? Does plastic surgery factor into this title in some large way?   So we're in some kind of Hollywood type town I guess, with our snobby... room mate? I guess? He's a "Starbeans Barista" so I don't see why he's giving us poo poo.  I've cut out a lot of dialogue here (A LOT) but trust me when I say it's dripping with weird sexual tension.  So here's our lovely apartment. We can scroll back and forth through the empty, creepy room.  Mr. Barista explains about how to do quests and ughhh. This game sucks. It's awful. It's a million screens of awkward terrible dialogue, and then tapping on things to complete "quests". There's never anything more interactive than "tap on this box" or "tap on the tv".  This was the most interactive thing I could find in the first few minutes of the game. Flirt with this gross smoking dude to make him carry your loving garbage couch up the stairs.  No, no gently caress this. This game is boring and awful. You can already see all the dumbass currencies along the top bar with the conspicuous "ADD" buttons for putting in your mom's credit card number. Next.  This is more like it. Let's be a SOCIAL GIRL (tm)!!!  Oh, it needs to load. Okay. Let me be open with you here and say that when I was taking these screenshots I was also watching tv at the same time, because these games are slow and boring. I watched a couple minutes of whatever show was on and looked back down.  Still loading. It has cute little "loading activities" listed ala the sims. Back to watching tv. Five minutes later or so I pick my phone back up.  Are you kidding?  I wish I was exaggerating but by this point it had been about ten full minutes of it slowly loading.    I really want you guys to experience the full width and breadth of Social Girl's loading experience. This "final touchups" screen was up for at least three minutes.  Finally, jesus christ. This game must have some intense content that it took so long to load.  Well it starts with a pretty basic dressup game. I'm already nervous about the currencies in the corner but that's still a casual/mobile market problem and not inherently a "girl game" problem.  The art in this game is pretty lazy and bad. There aren't very many options to choose from for customization, and it's hard to describe her animations going on to the left there but I'll choose the words "weird marionette".  Time to pick our HOT MAN MEAT.  Wow, what is this? We as girls are perfect, but this gross guy is totally not, so we're going to change him into our perfect man! This has a lot of weird messages about relationships I don't like, but I think it's the first game I've seen for girls that says "there's nothing wrong with you, don't change yourself for a guy." That's kind of awesome?  WAIT, WHAT? YUP that loving first section where you customize your character and choose a boy was the ONLY THING LOADED from that first tremendous load screen. I put down my phone and went to get a drink here so I don't actually know how long this load took.  Anyway, remember that good message we covered before? No it wasn't true, the entire aim of the game is to dress yourself the way the guy wants you to.  Also, this isn't even a game! In that one video of dvac's, you have to choose the right outfit (that *your man* wants) from a large selection of clothes. In this game you can literally only choose the right clothes.  We did it.  Time for our date.    The animations here are abominable. The characters just keep cycling through absurd poses while spouting their weird dialogue. I don't know how to describe it. It's terrible.  WHAT A HOT DATE  Next is an official American Girl game, McKenna's Gymtastic. Already we're in trouble with the resolution here, there's just a giant black bar on the left.  Gymtastic is another popular kind of mobile game called an endless runner. Your character runs from left to right automatically and you have to try and guide them over jumps and through obstacles.  It's pretty much impossible to show off anything about this game because it moves so fast, and also because pressing the screenshot button causes the game to ignore all inputs for about 5 seconds.  I lost really really fast due to frantically trying to take screenshots over and over.  The last game for this update is the Littlest Pet Shop official game. I *LOVED* the Littlest Pet Shop crap when I was a kid so I was a little excited. Before we can start the game though, it immediately throws this age thing up. Considering this game is aimed at very young girls, I'm really surprised it asked for full birthday and year instead of, you know, just your age.  I tried to think of how old I was when I liked these toys, and 9 seemed about right, so we're 9 now. (Also, everyone feel OLD. Kids born in 2005 are NINE YEARS OLD NOW.)  Here's the only red flag I needed really. It IMMEDIATELY informs you that there are in-app purchases to be had to make the game "more fun". Gross.   The game tries to cover up the gross IAP alert with a cute cartoon, which was actually the highest quality thing I'd seen so far with all these dumb games. This little girl wants to be a pet... fashion... maker??? Or something?  The dialogue here was so boring I didn't even capture it. It was just back and forth banter about being bored. Also that dog (cat?) has amazing hair.  But then instead of you know, playing fun animal-related games or actually running a pet shop, this happens.  It's more of this same casual game bullshit, Farmville in disguise, terrible grind without IAP. It's infuriating that this crap is just everywhere. It's just so LAZY.  I was going to stop taking screenshots there, but something caught my interest. The only animal you can buy at the start is a welsh corgi. I own a corgi! This doesn't look like a corgi.  So this definitely looks like some kind of weird cat or rabbit and not a corgi. Also, like the defining feature of a corgi is the docked tail! They have such happy little nubs! I hate this. They couldn't even find an actual fact about the breed to put in the side bar. gently caress this poo poo I'm out.  NOPE SORRY DON'T THINK SO Next time: (LOUD SOUNDS OF AGONY)
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Jan 28, 2014 01:46
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 01:20 |
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Devious Vacuum posted:
I am just indescribably upset that Voidburger got adorable puppies and you do this to me. I thought we were friends.
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Mar 26, 2014 23:40
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