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I was a virgin till I was 22, and I'm an ok-looking girl. I'm 24 now and have had sex with three men. I'd say it was pretty much down to having no confidence whatsoever in my looks, something kind of drilled into me by mother, who was overweight and began to criticize me heavily when I gained weight in high school. (At my heaviest I was 200 in junior year of college, but surprisingly, it looked ok on me. I carry weight primarily in my boobs/butt. Before that period I was in the range of 140-160, and senior year I got back down to 160). I wasn't super involved in campus life, but I did have friends of both genders, so I wasn't a complete social outcast. Even when guys hit on me, made out with me, etc., I'd just push them away because I felt the moment was inopportune, or assume they were just doing it to mock me. I asked guys out a few times in high school/college and was always turned down. When I went abroad to receive my masters, I ended up hooking up with this incredibly hot German kid in a one night stand. I couldn't believe this modelesque guy had any interest in me, but he completely ignored my much hotter friend and I figured, gently caress, let's get it over with. It was fun if nerve-wracking and I was so happy to just get it out of the way. I finally felt like it was a hang up I could just forget. It was like, popping a lovely zit or something. FINALLY I could just forget about it. I was also happy it was a one-night stand, because I didn't want to have any emotional memories tied to my first time like that. (Saved that for my emotionally abusive first bf... bad idea haha). I was so used to hearing men complain about how hard it was to lose their virginity and male virgins were such freaks and women could get it whenever they chose, blah blah blah, it made me incredibly paranoid that I had something fundamentally wrong with me. At times I wondered if I smelled bad, if I was much uglier than I assumed, if my voice/personality were super horrible, etc. I still don't quite know why it took me so long, but I think my biggest problem was my horrible self-esteem. I was probably clueless when guys flirted with me. I would hear about women getting unwanted attention from men and would panic because I wouldn't even get that (by which I mean blatant flirting or even cat-calling). I felt so horrible and ugly and worthless and alone, it definitely made me think about suicide from time to time. It was like I wasn't even a real woman, because apparently no man wanted me, and of course, as a girl, you're told all your life that men are craaazy about chicks and will sleep with anyone. It was really hard and I wouldn't wish it on any girl (or guy either ofc). There is essentially no support for women in this situation, and many men with similar problems basically treat you like a lying bitch. Today I know that most if not all of my problem stemmed from my insecurities and paranoia about being hideous.
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Feb 19, 2014 21:56
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| # ¿ May 19, 2024 04:34 |
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