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dirby posted:Yes, the eggs are not really intended to be used in multiple sessions, but the Tenga website has an entire separate category of reusable devices (maybe "50 uses"), most or all of which would allow varying pressure/sensation in some way: https://www.tenga.co/products/reusable/ I’ve had a Tenga Flip Hole Black, it was decent but I personally would have been interested to try something a little less crazy in terms of sensation. It’s a bit noisy so would be difficult to be discreet with, if that’s something that one was looking for. The smell of the gel material is strong too and didn’t reduce at all over the years (I owned it for years but probably only used it 10-15 times).
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Nov 26, 2023 14:10
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Butt toys > dick toys
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Nov 26, 2023 14:48
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whydirt posted:Butt toys > dick toys it is a world of pleasures out there turn that > into a +
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Nov 26, 2023 15:36
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whydirt posted:Butt toys > dick toys isn't this just extreme sounding?
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Nov 26, 2023 16:45
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RFC2324 posted:isn't this just extreme sounding? Sounds extreme to me
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Nov 26, 2023 16:48
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Learn to use a vibrator on your dick for something a little different
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Nov 26, 2023 17:38
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more falafel please posted:I've had a fleshlight for like 10 years and I've used it maybe 15 times. It's not bad, but you can't vary pressure like you can with your hand Well, what I'm looking for it something where I can feel stimulation at the base while not leaving the head out in the cold, so to speak. And being able to cum without either politely turning towards the tissues or having to take a shower afterwards would be very nice. I use my hand drat near every day, and it doesn't feel as good as getting all-over stimulation. more falafel please posted:If you're trying to have an experience with your partner (it wasn't clear from your question if they would be involved or not) then your options are basically endless. There's so much sex you can do that isn't just tab-A-into-slot-B sex. I'm well aware that penetrative vaginal sex is not the only kind of sex! I was vague before and cited "medical" reasons, but the issues are several and both long-term and short-term. SO is small, so penetrative sex wasn't a super-common thing already. She's been mostly non-horny for years, no reason given*, and she's very non-introspective so despite literal dozens of serious conversations and me telling her (possibly TOO often) that if she has any sexual needs she's nervous about expressing she should feel free to because I want her to be sexually satisfied, she hasn't gotten farther than "idk, not horny." When she IS in the mood for something she usually wants me to put my penis on her back or stomach, which isn't very satisfying for me and she almost never gets off on it, so it feels weird and pointless. Like, I can get turned on by most anything if my partner is into it, but she's just like "If YOU want to do sex stuff, what if you put your dick on my spine?" and I'm not super into that. What's more, she just got mono so it's gonna be 1-6 months before we can even be intimate at all, and she's expressed interest before in me owning a penetrative toy, so that's what I wanted. *I mean, I think I know the reason; (CW:sexual assault) She was, uh, molested by a doctor about five years ago, groped by an unrelated doctor who wasn't hers, just walked into the room and was said he needed to do some exams, and when she asked about it, a nurse was like "not AGAIN, we'll have to move him to a new place". I told her that it seemed prudent to, like, start a court case, but she insists that it "wasn't really bad" and that she doesn't have any significant trauma about it and it wouldn't be fair to ruin somebody's life over. I think that doctors are people we allow especial privilege with our bodies and that they should be exceptionally safe and granted less leeway than she should otherwise grant, and said so, but she was adamant, and I don't think I have any more leeway to tell her how to deal with her personal stuff. But, wouldn't you know it it was right after that that she lost most interest in sex, which seems like it could be a coincidence, but, you know. Probably not.
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Nov 26, 2023 21:35
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John Lee posted:Well, what I'm looking for it something where I can feel stimulation at the base while not leaving the head out in the cold, so to speak. And being able to cum without either politely turning towards the tissues or having to take a shower afterwards would be very nice. I use my hand drat near every day, and it doesn't feel as good as getting all-over stimulation. you need to see a therapist/counselor, my dude
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Nov 26, 2023 22:11
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Ok Comboomer posted:you need to see a therapist/counselor, my dude i mean very possibly but that costs money But for real, it's annoying as heck to get the response I did - I was just looking for pro tips to do my own research on male sex toys, but I just got "just use your hand, it's more natural, and have you tried having sex with your wife a different way?" If I had made a post saying I had a vagina and was looking for fun sex toy recommendations, nobody would have said "drat gal I dunno, but you shouldn't buy any sex toys for sure and maybe you're doing sex with your husband wrong," because people have asked in this thread before and people have been pretty supportive. e: and it's not like I'm on the Side of the Penis here, I don't want a penis, it's awkward and I hate it, but if I have it I at least want to try and make it feel decent, you know? John Lee fucked around with this message at 23:54 on Nov 26, 2023 |
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Nov 26, 2023 23:44
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John Lee posted:i mean very possibly but that costs money You have some real issues if your through line of thinking is “I got poo poo advice because I’m a man.” based on the responses you got. You gave basically no information in your first post, which means everyone has to guess and use their experiences, in the hopes it matches yours. Then when you gave information it was weirdly aggressive towards your wife, for no reason at all. You’re better off spending the money on therapy for yourself than any sex toys.
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Nov 27, 2023 00:16
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John Lee posted:But for real, it's annoying as heck to get the response I did - I was just looking for pro tips to do my own research on male sex toys, but I just got "just use your hand, it's more natural, and have you tried having sex with your wife a different way?" I've only just started browsing this thread since it was posted recently in the online dating thread, but for what it's worth I think a lot of the replies were in good faith, not in any way meant to be annoying. There was advice about not going with something like a tenga egg (agreed, they kinda suck), advice about exploring butt stuff (agreed, see below), etc. Just using your hand has a few advantages as well (free, you can finely control pressure, less cleanup involved afterwards, apply moisturizer to your member at the same time, etc). However, since you're looking specifically for toy advice I'll give a couple suggestions based on my own personal experience: Among various male sex toys, Fleshlights of various varieties have been my favorite balance between cost, durability and cleanup. Find one molded off of your favorite porn star, grab some KY and go nuts, you'll be plenty happy. Maybe avoid the $200 sex toy asses out there: yeah they're a more "realistic" experience compared to actually loving someone but cleanup is so, so, so much worse given their mass and depending on your length/girth and the hole you use it might not have enough length to meet your criteria or easily tear in the process of use. I will not stick my junk into something that is motorized and/or connected to the internet and I recommend you do the same. But in the end I mostly just use my hand and maybe some lube or some moisturizer. I will throw my hat in the butt stuff ring. Grab a vibrating butt plug or even a thin vibrator and some lube. The most mind blowing orgasms I've had in my life have involved anal stimulation of some kind, and the same toys can even be used with a partner involved. Be careful, start small and enjoy.
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Nov 27, 2023 00:20
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John Lee posted:e: and it's not like I'm on the Side of the Penis here, I don't want a penis, it's awkward and I hate it, but if I have it I at least want to try and make it feel decent, you know? oooh, a wild egg appears!
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Nov 27, 2023 00:26
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I didn't mean to come off condescending, and I'm sorry if I did. It wasn't clear from your post if you were looking for toys to help you masturbate in a more novel way, or if you were looking for ways to have sex with your wife that were going to be feasible for her physically. For masturbation, I told you my experience with the fleshlight, but there's lots of other good recommendations for specific toys to help there. I also offered some other options that aren't just about stimulating your dick. If you don't want advice about your relationship from the pig balls website, I get that. But it really sounds like you're frustrated with your sex life with your wife, and it sounds like as it stands right now there's no version of sex that you're both interested in and is satisfying for both of you. That sucks, I'm sorry. These are conversations you probably need to have if you don't want this resentment to build. Therapy can be a big help in those conversations, it's not the only way, but it's a good one. It's totally reasonable to want sex to be a part of your relationship in some way. I'd guess that most people want that!
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Nov 27, 2023 00:29
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John Lee posted:e: and it's not like I'm on the Side of the Penis here, I don't want a penis, it's awkward and I hate it, but if I have it I at least want to try and make it feel decent, you know? So, I had the same attitude, and in my case it turned out to be because I'm trans, and being on HRT has significantly changed how sex works for me, generally for the better. So this may be completely irrelevant to you (unless it turns out that you too are trans). But (a) seconding the recommendation for butt stuff instead of or, even better, as well as penis stuff; and (b) some vibrators, in particular wand-type vibes, can feel really nice on a penis!
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Nov 27, 2023 00:34
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John Lee posted:i mean very possibly but that costs money bruh, I gave you good, good-faith advice the world of dick masturbators is not really all that great. If you don’t want to stick a TENS unit on your junk or do something equally extreme then it’s pretty much all just variations on a fleshlight or tenga egg, maybe with like motorized bits or vibration bits or suction bits or bits that you heat up/cool down. Personally I don’t think it’s worth it over using my hand, but your mileage may vary. I found all of the inexpensive things I’ve tried, including some name-brand known-quantity ones, to be underwhelming. I’ve personally never tried a fleshlight but they seem pretty wasteful of lube and the interiors seem to invariably get gross/require replacement. That said, they occupy a similar level of brand awareness and cultural relevance as poo poo like the Magic Wand so maybe they’re really great and totally worth it. IDK. You’ll probably get a more novel experience for your dollar spending the money on butt toys or vibrators for your butt, or supporting sex workers and paying for some content. There’s no tenga egg in the world that’s going to make your sex life with/without your wife better or fix your frustration with that tho. trilobite terror fucked around with this message at 01:12 on Nov 27, 2023 |
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Nov 27, 2023 01:08
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Pilfered Pallbearers posted:You have some real issues if your through line of thinking is “I got poo poo advice because I’m a man.” based on the responses you got. Okay, after some time to simmer and whatnot: I admit I was low on information in my original post; I was trying to get some directions to places I could get directions, if that makes sense. What I should have said to be more clear was something like "Ey y'all, search results for broad terms are clogged with lovely aggregators and sites that are not-very-secretly ads, where's a good site with actual info and recommendations? And if anybody has good personal experience, I'd be glad to hear it." But I was nervous and knocked something out quickly, didn't do a good job there. I don't think I was aggressive towards my wife*, but I'll cop to bring defensive towards what I perceived as a weird level of criticism towards me wanting a sex toy for my dick, and took the opportunity to spill some heavy poo poo, which I shouldn't have done! Poor form on my part, for sure. *(not actually my wife, but we've been together for twelve years and she says she's ride-or-die and WOULD marry me but people don't ACTUALLY get married because they like each other, it's all financial. I said that plenty of people do get married because they like each other, actually, but if she's not comfortable with it than our relationship can stay on a less formalized level) And as for therapy, one single session of therapy is about $200, which is like, 2-6 sex toys' worth of money. I can't afford to go to therapy, I'm fixed-income and I have juuuust enough to get by. Like, believe me, if I could, I would go just to have somebody to vent to about relationship issues who's not directly involved in them, but it just ain't happening. more falafel please posted:I didn't mean to come off condescending, and I'm sorry if I did. Alright, I appreciate that. If you say weren't trying to be condescending, I believe it, and I could have been more clear, yeah. And I believe very strongly in the conversation/communication part of a relationship! One of the reasons I'm romantically involved with this person is that she's one of the best people I've found at that, she's willing to have conversations, both listening to me and talking about her own troubles. This particular issue seems to be especially rough, though - I'd say we've easily had ten times the conversations about it than any other topic, because everything else has been resolved really quickly, and this is something that she's been inconsistent and confused about. It's also easily possible that she's just Not Horny Anymore, and that'd be something I could deal with, I'm just having trouble drawing the line between who she used to be (very horny), and that just dropping off a cliff. It's possible that couples' therapy or sex therapy could help, yes, but we certainly can't afford it. And, though this definitely wouldn't prevent me from getting the therapy if I had an opportunity, I admit that it'd be frustrating to go from having a partner who can clearly and easily communicate their desires and opinions both in and out of the bedroom, to one who needs the formal setting to have a conversation about it. ToxicFrog posted:So, I had the same attitude, and in my case it turned out to be because I'm trans, and being on HRT has significantly changed how sex works for me, generally for the better. So this may be completely irrelevant to you (unless it turns out that you too are trans). RFC2324 posted:oooh, a wild egg appears! I'm sincerely not trying to be, like, super edgy here, but: I'd love to be trans! I don't like my body, I identify more with the feminine, when I dream I usually have a lady body. But it's not just about how I feel, it's about a community and identifying with things socially. And, to give a recent example, I would have thought it was pretty uncontroversial that most people have a strong preference for the style of genitals they're looking for in a long-term partner, and that this was historically a bigger driver of partner choice than, e.g., aesthetic style, but quote:you came stomping into a conversation centering trans experiences to shove your cisnormativity and genital preference in our faces So that is, I guess, that! It happens pretty often that I feel a way about something or think something, and see people on the internet say that that feeling or thought of Evil and, more pertinently, Not Trans! Just stuff not compatible with the community. So I'm not allowed in those spaces, and I'm not one of those people, I guess. It's not a choice I made, it's just that 'trans' covers more than how you feel about yourself, and I'm disqualified on those grounds. I had similar experiences talking about my sexual assault, with people saying "ACTUALLY survivors of sexual trauma feel this way" and "If you had REALLY been raped..." It's about more than just your personal experiences or feelings, if you don't mesh with the community you're in trouble.
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Nov 27, 2023 01:19
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John Lee posted:I'm sincerely not trying to be, like, super edgy here, but: I'd love to be trans! I don't like my body, I identify more with the feminine, when I dream I usually have a lady body. But it's not just about how I feel, it's about a community and identifying with things socially. And, to give a recent example, I would have thought it was pretty uncontroversial that most people have a strong preference for the style of genitals they're looking for in a long-term partner, and that this was historically a bigger driver of partner choice than, e.g., aesthetic style, but I’m the person who said that and am not calling you cis. And I hope if you take nothing else away from this that you recognize that no one has a right to tell you if you are trans are not. I disagree with plenty of trans people on plenty of issues both gender-related and not. You can very easily be trans and disagree with me. Caitlyn Jenner is trans and she’s wrong about everything. There are trans people who voted for Trump. There are trans people who work in the military industrial complex. Those people doing things I find awful does not make them less trans. Please do not think that SA comprises anything near the entirety of the trans community. I know no IRL trans people who are on this site and I associate almost entirely with trans individuals. My problem was with the things you were saying, and it sounds like you have a lot to unpack but you sound pretty trans based on today’s posts in this thread. You’ll find most trans people, myself included, have said some really stupid poo poo about gender and genitals especially in our egg and early cracking phases. I know my history is full of ideas I would not stand by today from the times I was miserable about feeling agency-less about my gender. I found a way to barely keep afloat on a sea of booze and negative gender feels for a long time, and I am sure I will never know the entirety of the stupid things I said. I also thought that I couldn’t really be trans because I wasn’t suffering from active suicidal ideation for most of my twenties, which is wrong and a hosed up view of being trans! Being trans doesn’t have to be miserable. Again, tl;dr only you get to be the determining person as to whether you are trans or not.
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Nov 27, 2023 01:42
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My friend if you want a feminine body and not a masculine one then you are trans, that's it. That's the end of it. You can't get out of it by claiming it doesn't count because you're somehow doing it wrong.
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Nov 27, 2023 01:43
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John Lee posted:I'm sincerely not trying to be, like, super edgy here, but: I'd love to be trans! I don't like my body, I identify more with the feminine, when I dream I usually have a lady body. But it's not just about how I feel, it's about a community and identifying with things socially. There is no "a/the trans community", there are many trans communities with their own social norms and conventions. Some of which I disagree with vehemently, and that's ok. But what you've written here sounds really loving trans, and honestly could be ripped verbatim from my "I'm not trans, but I would love to be trans, because [list of incredibly trans statements]" phase that preceded my egg cracking. And it took a long loving time for it to crack, in large part because most of my trans friends had the really intense suicidal-ideation style dysphoria, and mine didn't look anything like that; it was just a constant low-to-medium-grade desire/wish/yearning to be more feminine and less masculine. And so I thought that what I was experiencing wasn't dysphoria. (In retrospect, I actually checked off like twice as many of the DSM-V criteria for gender dysphoria as the diagnosis threshold, whoops.) What actually got me to start figuring poo poo out was a (different) trans friend describing her transition as "not about running away from gender dysphoria, but running towards gender euphoria" and I was like, wait, you can do that? Then I borrowed some skirts from my wife and the rest is history.
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Nov 27, 2023 01:58
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as a cis person: it is my understanding that if you want to be trans, you are trans.
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Nov 27, 2023 02:05
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StrixNebulosa posted:as a cis person: it is my understanding that if you want to be trans, you are trans.
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Nov 27, 2023 02:19
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The no true trans(wo)man fallacy strikes again
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Nov 27, 2023 02:57
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Adding another sex toy recommendation, I’m quite happy with my “Hot Octopuss” penis vibrator (but god I hate these kinds of names). It’s great for when I just want to get off quickly with as little effort as possible.
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Nov 27, 2023 06:57
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Only part out of any of this that I want to comment on is the SO being small making penetrative sex difficult. I would say that this is not universally true unless we're talking someone with like a medically notable condition. Have you considered the possibility that she might suffer from vaginismus?
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Nov 27, 2023 09:32
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Last week I was being intimate with my partner and started to have, idk, like a panic attack. We've been together a bit over a year now and generally vibe pretty well. I think the best way to describe the feeling was an immediate need to get away, which I did. I got a drink of water, came back, described it, talked about it a bit, and we started on some different stuff. Nothing we had been doing before was new or anything, it was just a sudden and weird panic attack. I do think the specific position played a role but idk how big of one. They were understanding of it all. I'm just kind of wondering if there might be a way to handle this in the future (if it happens again) or if it's something that I should really be concerned about. I think, in the moment, we both handled it about as well as to be expected but idk.
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Nov 27, 2023 11:11
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You should only really be concerned about it if you're having them often enough to disrupt your life or something, in which case you should talk to a therapist/psychiatrist. Like I'm pretty sure it's just a random thing that happens sometimes, sex or not. You get pumped up with adrenaline since you're having sex and just kinda take the wrong fork. poo poo happens and it sounds like you dealt with it very well so you shouldn't be alarmed. Like I've had a random panic attack before during my cousin's wedding reception. I just excused myself and stepped outside for like 10 minutes until I felt better and came back, no problem. And that's like the only one so just having one doesn't mean anything by itself.
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Nov 27, 2023 16:10
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John Lee posted:I'm sincerely not trying to be, like, super edgy here, but: I'd love to be trans! I don't like my body, I identify more with the feminine, when I dream I usually have a lady body. But it's not just about how I feel, it's about a community and identifying with things socially. And, to give a recent example, I would have thought it was pretty uncontroversial that most people have a strong preference for the style of genitals they're looking for in a long-term partner, and that this was historically a bigger driver of partner choice than, e.g., aesthetic style, but Oh, honey. You should come read the trans thread in CCCC. No commitment to post or anything, just read the thread that is basically a log of a ton of us figuring ourselves the gently caress out and chatting about it
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Nov 27, 2023 21:21
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If you want to try toys I sincerely suggest you go gently caress yourself. What I mean is butt toys are great. Also didn't realise things like sleeves were so hated. I used a few with my last partner, they were fun. I'm lazy tho and unless I'm going through effort (see first part of post) I'm probably just not bothering. They seemed fine tho.
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Nov 28, 2023 07:17
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There is a whole world of penis sleeving out there now. Super realistic silicone and fitted insides, you can throw some quality fake dong around. Technological advancement for regular old dicks everywhere. My partner seemed to reach orgasm just slightly sooner in her preferred position when I wore one once. And there was some discomfort for her because it did end up being pretty girthy. if you are average sized the sleeves you can fit into do verge into monster cock territory kinda quickly 20 Blunts fucked around with this message at 10:44 on Nov 28, 2023 |
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Nov 28, 2023 10:41
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For me it’s not that sleeve toys are bad, just that they aren’t worth the time and effort to clean relative to other kinds of toys.
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Nov 28, 2023 11:43
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I would recommend getting one of the reasonably priced "reusable" tenga products. The sensation is intense, and novel for a little while. They won't last forever, but you'll likely get sick of cleaning it before it breaks.
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Nov 28, 2023 11:53
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Secondhand, but I have a cis guy friend who's chronically been unlucky with women (poor social skills, he's not a misogynist or anything), who's a big fan of fleshlights, I think he just bought his third one, and he's making some good points in making me consider one for when I have the privacy. That said, unless there's a good sale on or something, you're maybe better off using your money in more long-term solutions for the issue, since they don't come cheap (but I think there's a return period, if you're okay with it getting destroyed afterwards).
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Nov 28, 2023 13:16
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20 Blunts posted:There is a whole world of penis sleeving out there now. quick, somebody get Qubee back ITT
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Nov 28, 2023 13:42
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Serperoth posted:Secondhand, but I have a cis guy friend who's chronically been unlucky with women (poor social skills, he's not a misogynist or anything), who's a big fan of fleshlights, I think he just bought his third one, and he's making some good points in making me consider one for when I have the privacy. That said, unless there's a good sale on or something, you're maybe better off using your money in more long-term solutions for the issue, since they don't come cheap (but I think there's a return period, if you're okay with it getting destroyed afterwards). If you aren't destroying it during, it deserves to be destroyed after
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Nov 28, 2023 17:33
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RFC2324 posted:If you aren't destroying it during, it deserves to be destroyed after no you’re supposed to keep it forever and put a My Little Pony figurine inside of it
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Nov 28, 2023 20:00
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Biggest downside of a fleshlight is how cold they are, unless you're taking the prep time to warm it up. A soft cloth is at least a minor improvement if you've been rawdogging your hand and grabbing tissues.
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Nov 29, 2023 06:03
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Atlas Hugged posted:Only part out of any of this that I want to comment on is the SO being small making penetrative sex difficult. Oh yeah, she definitely has vaginismus, she's talked to her therapist and her gyno about it, but no luck She acquired it a handful of years ago, and hasn't made much progress since then - we've looked at, like, a set of dilators, but she says it'd be "weird" (and, to be fair, she's right, it IS weird). . To be clear, though, she is pretty small (4'9", I think?) and - dunno how to put this delicately, so I guess I won't bother - you know how, like, people with dwarfism often still have typical-sized genitals, because of [waves hands vaguely] Evolution and whatnot? It's not quite like that here, my SO was born prematurely, and legitimately has problems with, e.g. improperly-sized internal organs because of it, and it sure looks like it affects her personal areas. Still, it wasn't a significantly prohibitive issue until the vaginismus, just required a bit of care, but I imagine it's not helping now. RFC2324 posted:Oh, honey. I read a few randomly-selected pages of the trans thread here in A/T a while back and it didn't seem very welcoming? Or, rather, it seemed very effusively welcoming, but to a limited range of experiences and opinions? And my experience is that I would not be welcome, and also maybe don't want to be? I've had in-person conversations and witnessed conversations on the internet where... okay, so I enjoy having sex with men and women. Mild preference for women. No strong preference for style of bits. So I have a conversation with somebody queer about sexuality, and I opine such-and-such, and they don't like what I said, for whatever reason. So a GOOD scenario for a response I get is "Hey, uh, why don't you butt out of this space? You could never understand, what with being a straight cis man, and we're sick of you telling us we're wrong about everything." Then what? The conversational structure I see most often goes like 'oh yeah, well if you think my opinions have no worth because of how i was born, check this out: i put my mouth on a penis sometimes' "Oh poo poo, dude. Well, nevermind what I said, you're a valuable person and I like you now." Like, the idea of performatively making it clear that I'm On The Correct Team and that therefore I should be taken seriously sounds at the least tedious and tiring, but it seems to be what a lot of people are asking for, so I usually avoid giving any opinions at all on related subjects. Of course, I could always get a different response, like "Bullshit, you're lying." Always a classic. I dunno if I have the effort to expound more here, but it's majorly offputting to me to have whether my opinions are worthwhile be tied to who I prefer to gently caress, but that's a lot of the social structure, so I not only don't get to be part of the community, I might not want to - if people don't care about my personhood except insofar as specific qualities put me on the Right Team, then that doesn't seem like I should care enough to join, and the framing of the queer community as being super welcoming and friendly seems like it should have a big old asterisk that says "*if you fall in line". quick edit: Like, this clearly came off more hostile than I intended, but I really wanted to get across the really strong negative experiences I've had, without passing judgement on anyone here, because this is a really non-standard positive response I'm receiving? I honestly expected to be fully excoriated already and accused of being either a lying infiltrator or a genocide supporter. John Lee fucked around with this message at 19:21 on Nov 29, 2023 |
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Nov 29, 2023 19:14
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Please do not perceive this as an attack, it is being presented in good faith and I am only trying to judge the intent expressed with the words in the post itself and not claiming to know you intimately as a human. What I can tell you is how those words are perceived by someone in my circumstance, the broadest of strokes in this context being as a transgender femme person who does not fit exclusively into the binary. I also am recycling some of these words from another conversation with someone who I expended effort on to receive a DARVO in return and I'd like to hope that someone reads them in a way that brings benefit. That might not be you, but there are others reading. I can't speak definitively to the other trans people you have interacted with, we are not a monolith. I can express why you see me be stronger worded about trans issues in the face of cisnormative rhetoric, since you did quote me earlier without attribution as what I perceived as an example of "the unreasonably angry and unwelcoming trans person." The number of people who have told me "You're so much kinder about pronouns than the last trans person I talked to" is staggering. And each time, it's a person showing their rear end that they do have issues seeing me as my gender--because the people who have said it are people who hadn't yet misgendered me. I am fine being the 'mean trans person' in someone's history so if it means other trans people they come upon can be 'the nice ones' that there is no friction with. It's not an unknown phenomenon amongst transfolk especially with the ongoing 'culture wars' or whatever that any instance of trying to explain ourselves or how we're specifically insulted as trans people can get an aggressive response from a person unwilling to apologize or acknowledge they gained anything, but that person changes their behavior somewhere going forward. So especially online, sure, I'll be the bitch. But to note, that's not what I'm trying to do in this post. John Lee posted:I read a few randomly-selected pages of the trans thread here in A/T a while back and it didn't seem very welcoming? Or, rather, it seemed very effusively welcoming, but to a limited range of experiences and opinions? And my experience is that I would not be welcome, and also maybe don't want to be? It's okay to not feel welcome in x/y/z trans space. I certainly don't feel welcome in many trans spaces or any autism-related spaces on this forum. That doesn't mean I'm not trans or that I'm not autistic. John Lee posted:and they don't like what I said, for whatever reason. So a GOOD scenario for a response I get is "Hey, uh, why don't you butt out of this space? You could never understand, what with being a straight cis man, and we're sick of you telling us we're wrong about everything." It's not that your opinions have no worth because of how you were born, and I call out other trans folks when they say cis-/het-normative things--especially if they are also benefitting from cis-/het-presenting privilege because there are enough of those types of people intentionally using it against us who will not listen in good faith. The number of people who say offensive things to us and then expect all the grace in the world because they're "just asking questions" is staggering. In the bolded phrase, it doesn't seem like you're super interested in investigating the "whatever reason" someone "doesn't like" what you said. If a person marginalized in another way(let's say race, disability, or nationality) tells you you said something offensive, would your response to be to give up talking with that person? Or with that entire class of people you see them as representing? If you're unwilling to do the unpacking then what bothers you is that other people get offended at things and you're not looking to form community with those people, you're looking for them to form it around you and just accept whatever you currently have to offer.
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Nov 29, 2023 20:28
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Also not being hostile here, I don’t see anything really bad or overtly wrong with your post, and I don’t know you personally. I don’t “play for the correct team”, but based on the words you typed I do wanna make you aware of something. The other posters here have gently suggested you read a thread, and maybe consider posting about your experiences to get some gut checks in. Now when you push back on that, you say you haven’t felt welcomed while expressing your opinions. I think this may really be the key here. I would hazard a guess that most people that belong to an (extremely, borderlining on genocided) marginalized group are not interested in the opinions of others who have not also faced the same struggles. I don’t wanna speak for anyone in threads I don’t belong to, but I suspect you’ll be significantly more welcomed in a thread where you post about your experiences and feelings about yourself. Maybe even just asking if anyone else has experienced “x” rather than posting about how you feel things should be. I know in the out group threads and circles I have run in, this is exactly what the problem would be.
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Nov 29, 2023 20:48
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For the record, the A/T thread is meant for cis folk, and so has more of a culture of shutting down bad posts and opinions instead of discussing them than the CCCC thread, which is meant for trans folk to talk to each other in. You already cleared the threshold to be posting in the space for trans people, even if you don't currently identify
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Nov 29, 2023 21:35
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