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Thank you for those thoughtful replies, I honestly and truly appreciate them. Like, a huge amount, and I have Big Emotions about them. At the risk of staying off topic and turning the Sex Questions Megathread into the Gender Questions Megathread, I'd like to respond, with the caveat that I haven't given the responses a huge amount of thought and am just kinda shooting from the hip here (I guess implying, wrongly, that previous posts of mine were the most thoughtful things I could come up with and weren't just kind of vomited onto the keyboard) Pilfered Pallbearers posted:Now when you push back on that, you say you haven’t felt welcomed while expressing your opinions. I think this may really be the key here. I would hazard a guess that most people that belong to an (extremely, borderlining on genocided) marginalized group are not interested in the opinions of others who have not also faced the same struggles. I think there's a couple important things to address here: first, that I don't think there's a hardline, solid difference between these two things; my personal experiences strongly inform my opinions. And second, that maybe your idea and my idea of what an opinion is, or the kinds of opinions we're talking about, might be different? I'm obviously not talking about, like my "opinions" that others should shut up or act differently with regards to things that don't directly affect others. "Maybe if you dressed different" might qualify as an opinion if you squint, but it's in most contexts an obviously lovely thing to say, and not really what I'm talking about. Like, whether or not my experiences are comparable to others' is an opinion. And a conversation I've had a few times is something like "You could NEVER understand what it's like to not feel happy with your body and wish that you had a different one!" 'I think I could, actually' "Well, you fuckin' couldn't" 'I don't think there's any way to compare, but I honestly think I could.' "Shut the gently caress up, dude!" And, you know, what am I supposed to say, like, I'm autistic and my best guess is that I should have really strong emotional affect, but I don't see how it makes me more believable in practice and if it doesn't work to make you more believable than I just look like a (white, cis, male) rear end in a top hat throwing a fit. I already modify my behavior to have more emotional affect because otherwise people don't believe that I'm accurately self-reporting my emotional state, but I don't want to become a drama hog just because other people think I'm a liar if I'm not. And reporting my own, personal experiences are usually what tilt people the MOST. I feel this way? No I don't. I experience this? Nuh-uh. Or when people make broad sweeping statements about sex and gender, and I have a relevant anecdote that contravenes common wisdom, it pisses people off. You're framing it like my personal experiences are inarguable, but my lofty opinions might not be either welcome or warranted, and in my experience the actual things that have happened to me and how I felt are the least likely things to be welcome or listened to. And yeah, me and another person, especially a more openly queer person are likely to have significant differences in experience that inform our perspective, but I'd naively think this would make me more interesting as a source, rather than something to be dismissed. If somebody else says something that seems absolutely wild to me about, like, sexuality or gender, I might not end up agreeing with them, but I'll rarely regret listening, especially if they have experiences relating to that conclusion. Grassy Knowles posted:I can't speak definitively to the other trans people you have interacted with, we are not a monolith. I can express why you see me be stronger worded about trans issues in the face of cisnormative rhetoric, since you did quote me earlier without attribution as what I perceived as an example of "the unreasonably angry and unwelcoming trans person." Hey, feel free to interact with people how you feel you need to. Like, I'm personally probably gonna take bad lessons from it, but I'm not everyone, and I appreciate a deliberately-chosen somewhat-hostile tone for a considered reason better than a hostile tone taken because of barely-restrained hatred. As for Grassy Knowles posted:"You're so much kinder about pronouns than the last trans person I talked to" , this might be getting into the weeds a bit and getting distracted with a personal question, but, uh, I dunno how to deal with pronouns in a sensitive and considerate way while also staying sane. See, my trans friends in high school and college didn't much care about the occasional misstep from me, a person who occasionally flubs gendered second-person pronouns and also names for like everyone, but the discourse I've seen a dozen or two times is that misgendering somebody is literally, no exaggeration of any kind the worst possible thing you could do to any human being. And, like, this seems way off, and even discounting "sustained and extensive torture" from the list of things, that still leaves a lot? And a couple years back we had a trans person living here in the house with me and my pals, and sure enough I eventually misgendered him, and he was like "no biggie my guy, I care more than your average person but you'll get it eventually" and I had to like retreat and cry about it because I just don't know what's supposed to be a big deal! And I asked in an online community I frequent and the local trans presence was like "Sucks, but you'll get it down, don't give up" and I got teary again. If I had accidentally knifed him in the eye, he certainly wouldn't have been chill about it, and I imagine these other pals would not have been, so it seems like what's supposed to happen is that people say misgendering somebody is The Worst Crime Imaginable, and I'm supposed to nod and say yep, it sure is, while knowing that's not actually the case, and knowing they know it too, and that seems... just awful. Grassy Knowles posted:It's okay to not feel welcome in x/y/z trans space. I certainly don't feel welcome in many trans spaces or any autism-related spaces on this forum. That doesn't mean I'm not trans or that I'm not autistic. (Hey, I'm autistic, too. Which many people probably guessed well before this post.) Re: bolded: The specific scenario that bothers me is when I have a Generic Unspecified Opinion, and I'm explicitly told before or after I say it that my opinion is unwelcome in such-and-such a space because I am presumed-het, or presumed-cis, and the exact same opinion is accepted as being worthwhile because it comes from a person with the appropriate presentation or sexual preference. Obviously there are two factors at play, the first being that I'm being excluded from a social group, supposedly an exceptionally accepting and welcoming one, despite the fact that I meet the ostensible requirements, and the second being that it seems inherently wrong to the kind of person I am to judge ideas based on the sort of person who produced them rather than their content. The second bit seems like an example of what I'm complaining about. If Jane Queermotron* says that gendered bathrooms are dumb and shouldn't exist in the first place, and some people agree and some people disagree, cool. But if I say that I think gendered bathrooms are dumb**, and people tell me that me offering an opinion is inherently, not just worthless, but actually negative value, like the fact that I have an opinion makes me and that opinion shittier, because of my (presumed) sexual preferences or gender identification, then that to me meets the definition of my opinions having no worth because because of how I was born. If you're like "that seems like an awfully rare occurrence," well, then this is why I have strong feelings about this and you don't, because it's happened, like... a dozen times? Enough to form a predictable pattern, at least, and not counting the secondhand internet times when I witnessed a conversation between A, B, and C, and I agreed with person B who got shouted down. *dibs on this username **and, just to make things clear: hypothetical examples should not, in my particular writing style, be assumed to be my own, but this one in fact is an example of my own. Two separate bathrooms is a PITA workload in a lot of places, have fewer larger public bathrooms TIA Grassy Knowles posted:In the bolded phrase, it doesn't seem like you're super interested in investigating the "whatever reason" someone "doesn't like" what you said. If a person marginalized in another way(let's say race, disability, or nationality) tells you you said something offensive, would your response to be to give up talking with that person? Or with that entire class of people you see them as representing? If you're unwilling to do the unpacking then what bothers you is that other people get offended at things and you're not looking to form community with those people, you're looking for them to form it around you and just accept whatever you currently have to offer. Like, I'm usually being deliberately vague in these examples because specific examples run the risk of becoming a shitstorm and distracting from the general point I want to make. Of course people have told me I'm not acting or speaking appropriately, and sometimes I've agreed and sometimes I haven't, and sometimes I've done what they requested even when I disagreed with the necessity, and sometimes when THAT happened I grew to greater understand their perspective (and also sometimes they were just, like, wrong!). I'm sure this would be an easier conversation if I named all these opinions and feelings to be judged, but the issue there is that I don't feel times that I had a dumb opinion that was wrong and were judged for it to be unfair, so I wouldn't list those, and the result would be like 80% obviously trivial things and 20% obviously-to-you inflammatory things that I needed to be corrected on, or more likely given up on and left to rotten-egg myself in a sad hole forever. Grassy Knowles posted:you're not looking to form community with those people, you're looking for them to form it around you and just accept whatever you currently have to offer. I dunno how, like, incisive you thought this was, but it seems to me to be a fine way to be? Like, I'm parsing it as "You're refusing to change yourself to join a community, so it seems like all you want to do it join a community of like-minded individuals (derisive)," and... looking for a community of people who already agree with you is, like, the basic step of community? I don't join a small forum, discord server, and tumblr for niche hit show Sherlock Oaks (Sherlock Holmes But Trees) because I want to know what people say about it, I'd join because I'm already in favor of it. I don't know if this points to some key difference between how we're thinking about this, but something that you pointed at was the idea that nobody owes another person a long, grueling explanation of their personal code, experiences and how they inform each other, which is completely true and accurate! But on the other hand, the online sources I can find when I want to look up info so I don't have to bother anybody in person all have vibes like "Here's the things you should say and do, and if you do not say and do them you are Evil 😇" I've had four or five trans friends, I live with an ace pal right now (who just brought me dinner), - I've just gotten bad results talking about anything in related spheres, so I don't ask them for fear of tanking my relationship (except my ace pal, they're ride-or-die and we're in agreement on most things) , so, like I said, I don't feel welcome in these communities. All of that being said: Like I said up at the top, there, I am really grateful for the replies I received, which treated me like a person worthy of interacting with, who had opinions with some sort of basis to them and were generous enough to offer explanations and interpretations edit: you know how when you read a cheap sexy story, sometimes it'll trail off without resolution because the author came right then? I got dinner in the last paragraph of this post and I think I did the equivalent John Lee fucked around with this message at 23:45 on Nov 29, 2023 |
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Nov 29, 2023 23:19
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John Lee posted:Like, whether or not my experiences are comparable to others' is an opinion. And a conversation I've had a few times is something like There isn't really a way to in the immediacy solve that one. Sometimes, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable to be around someone. And you can bring it up again later in a less-loaded way. If someone I care deeply for is speaking strongly like that, sometimes I have to recognize that we'll clear it up down the road. John Lee posted:And reporting my own, personal experiences are usually what tilt people the MOST. I feel this way? No I don't. I experience this? Nuh-uh. Or when people make broad sweeping statements about sex and gender, and I have a relevant anecdote that contravenes common wisdom, it pisses people off. You're framing it like my personal experiences are inarguable, but my lofty opinions might not be either welcome or warranted, and in my experience the actual things that have happened to me and how I felt are the least likely things to be welcome or listened to. And yeah, me and another person, especially a more openly queer person are likely to have significant differences in experience that inform our perspective, but I'd naively think this would make me more interesting as a source, rather than something to be dismissed. If somebody else says something that seems absolutely wild to me about, like, sexuality or gender, I might not end up agreeing with them, but I'll rarely regret listening, especially if they have experiences relating to that conclusion. Before addressing the bolded: if you are not openly queer with them often or regularly, them assuming you don't understand is them reflecting the history you have with them. And sometimes we're gonna get heated and be rude without a visible reason or agenda; we go through a lot of poo poo being visibly queer and it unfortunately means our patience has already probably been tried before we even began interacting with you that day. On the bolded: most of us have experiences where we aren't out/haven't come out and received some form of privilege. Nearly all of us who are queer are aware of what the cishet experience has placed on us -- if we weren't, we'd just be people who do what we do since the main thing that unites the 'queer' banner is the persecution we face not some inherent similarity between all of our conditions otherwise. And I do get where you're coming from with the bolded, like I used to think I was so smart when I was like "why do we have to have gender at all" while still clinging to many aspects of cishet passing privilege. John Lee posted:(Hey, I'm autistic, too. Which many people probably guessed well before this post.) You're engaging in good faith here and with explanations, you're listening to the things people are saying and responding in ways that signal we are being heard. Some people might still be assholes about this, or not have the patience for it, or whatever, but most folks I've spoken to of any orientation are comfortable with at least some amount of this. Not all, though, as the epistemic labor(link for further reading) is a real cost and requires communication skills that not all marginalized people choose to develop or use. John Lee posted:I dunno how, like, incisive you thought this was, but it seems to me to be a fine way to be? Like, I'm parsing it as "You're refusing to change yourself to join a community, so it seems like all you want to do it join a community of like-minded individuals (derisive)," and... looking for a community of people who already agree with you is, like, the basic step of community? I don't join a small forum, discord server, and tumblr for niche hit show Sherlock Oaks (Sherlock Holmes But Trees) because I want to know what people say about it, I'd join because I'm already in favor of it. I don't know if this points to some key difference between how we're thinking about this, but something that you pointed at was the idea that nobody owes another person a long, grueling explanation of their personal code, experiences and how they inform each other, which is completely true and accurate! But on the other hand, the online sources I can find when I want to look up info so I don't have to bother anybody in person all have vibes like "Here's the things you should say and do, and if you do not say and do them you are Evil 😇" I believe community to be a mix of giving and taking towards the end of growing together. I would like to leave the community i make better off than when I left it and I'd hope to receive the same in return, and I mean this all figuratively though there are obviously material components to community exchange as well for the purposes of thriving together. I appreciate the way you have conducted yourself in this conversation and speaking with you about this. I also appreciate the way you explicitly signaled your appreciation for us taking the effort. I don't expect to have more to say in the public conversation here but am not leaving in any kind of way other than having exhausted my public thoughts on the topics. 
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Nov 30, 2023 00:07
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Grassy Knowles posted:I appreciate the way you have conducted yourself in this conversation and speaking with you about this. I also appreciate the way you explicitly signaled your appreciation for us taking the effort. I don't expect to have more to say in the public conversation here but am not leaving in any kind of way other than having exhausted my public thoughts on the topics. Thanks, I know it can be frustrating seeing somebody step on a rake or five and then they finish with "thank you for your time" but I find explicit and direct statements to be helpful regardless!
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Nov 30, 2023 00:17
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John Lee posted:Oh yeah, she definitely has vaginismus, she's talked to her therapist and her gyno about it, but no luck "She was born prematurely and suffers from vaginismus. These combined can make penetrative sex a challenge." That's a lot different than "she's small, can't sex". I'm going to echo what a lot of other people here have implied or said directly, but providing explicit information is the only way you're going to get good advice. My intention is not too drag you, but given that this is a sex education thread, we do want to avoid spreading misconceptions and accurately presenting a situation is a key part of that. I ask you what's weirder though: treating a common medical condition or asking your partner to press their penis to your spine instead of engaging in intercourse?
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Nov 30, 2023 00:34
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Yeah dogg, your partner has a medical condition and you need to relate to your sex life with her from that standpoint were things really different for you guys in the past? You mentioned that she used to be “really horny”
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Nov 30, 2023 00:37
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John Lee posted:Oh yeah, she definitely has vaginismus, she's talked to her therapist and her gyno about it, but no luck It's extremely unlikely that her pussy is too small. She has vaginismus, and doesn't particularly want to seek treatment for it. That's plenty.
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Nov 30, 2023 02:29
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Atlas Hugged posted:"She was born prematurely and suffers from vaginismus. These combined can make penetrative sex a challenge." Look, fair, fair, it's just not really what I was here for and I didn't want to go into excessive detail where it wasn't really required, it's definitely both thotsky posted:It's extremely unlikely that her pussy is too small. She has vaginismus, and doesn't particularly want to seek treatment for it. That's plenty. Or maybe it's not both, hell, but that's the impression we were both under! I'll decline to give further details there, though. Ok Comboomer posted:Yeah dogg, your partner has a medical condition and you need to relate to your sex life with her from that standpoint Yeah, she used to be pretty into regular sex, which only occasionally had what we parsed as size-related concerns, but then she relatively suddenly lost interest and started having the vaginismus issue to boot. She still enjoys watching me do stuff and has expressed interest in watching me use some kind of penetration-esque toy, which I'm also into for, you know, fun times when she's not around, so that's what I'll look around for. I might end up getting an assortment of, like, cheap weird squishy ones and seeing how that goes? I'll let people know, I figured I owe the thread some closure after all this.
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Nov 30, 2023 02:45
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John Lee posted:Yeah, she used to be pretty into regular sex, which only occasionally had what we parsed as size-related concerns, but then she relatively suddenly lost interest and started having the vaginismus issue to boot. She still enjoys watching me do stuff and has expressed interest in watching me use some kind of penetration-esque toy, which I'm also into for, you know, fun times when she's not around, so that's what I'll look around for. I might end up getting an assortment of, like, cheap weird squishy ones and seeing how that goes? I'll let people know, I figured I owe the thread some closure after all this. be ready for your wife to see your poop gotta learn how to clean your butt real good if you plan to put stuff in it for an audience
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Nov 30, 2023 03:14
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Ok Comboomer posted:be ready for your wife to see your poop Nah, a toy for my wang, to stick the wang into She has, so far, a weak preference that I do butt stuff involving my butt on my own time, which: fine and dandy, I have vague plans to get something for that at some point, but it's not a big priority
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Nov 30, 2023 04:54
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When it comes to sex toys of any flavor, "cheap weird squishy" stuff is usually bad news, both in terms of durability and nasty chemicals. Drop a little more to get something legit.
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Nov 30, 2023 05:08
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John Lee posted:but then she relatively suddenly lost interest and started having the vaginismus issue to boot. I don't want to armchair-diagnose or anything, but these seem potentially related.
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Nov 30, 2023 15:02
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After The War posted:When it comes to sex toys of any flavor, "cheap weird squishy" stuff is usually bad news, both in terms of durability and nasty chemicals. Drop a little more to get something legit. this. managing to give yourself some weird dick bacteria because you wanted to save a few bucks is a loosing bet
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Nov 30, 2023 16:21
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Serperoth posted:I don't want to armchair-diagnose or anything, but these seem potentially related. John Lee posted:*I mean, I think I know the reason; (CW:sexual assault) She was, uh, molested by a doctor about five years ago. . . I told her that it seemed prudent to, like, start a court case, but she insists that it "wasn't really bad" and that she doesn't have any significant trauma about it. . . it was right after that that she lost most interest in sex, which seems like it could be a coincidence, but, you know. Probably not.
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Nov 30, 2023 17:32
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just for the record, she needs a ton of loving therapy. not to fix yalls sex life, but because that poo poo stays with you even if you think it doesn't.
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Nov 30, 2023 19:13
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RFC2324 posted:just for the record, she needs a ton of loving therapy. not to fix yalls sex life, but because that poo poo stays with you even if you think it doesn't. I gave her my firm, heartfelt, and reiterated-on-a-couple-of-occasions opinions on it, and I figure going any further than that would be super rude. I also don't want to categorically disbelieve her, because I also had my own sexual assault experience and I'm not, like SUPER hosed up about it? But also I've had a lot more time to deal.
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Nov 30, 2023 20:18
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John Lee posted:I'll let people know, I figured I owe the thread some closure after all this. Not saying you're unwelcome to share, this is the thread to do so, but you certainly don't owe it if you decide not to
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Nov 30, 2023 20:20
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John Lee posted:I gave her my firm, heartfelt, and reiterated-on-a-couple-of-occasions opinions on it, and I figure going any further than that would be super rude. I also don't want to categorically disbelieve her, because I also had my own sexual assault experience and I'm not, like SUPER hosed up about it? But also I've had a lot more time to deal. Thats really all you can do if she isn't having a crisis over it.
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Nov 30, 2023 20:21
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John Lee posted:And, you know, what am I supposed to say, like, I'm autistic and my best guess is that I should have really strong emotional affect, but I don't see how it makes me more believable in practice and if it doesn't work to make you more believable than I just look like a (white, cis, male) rear end in a top hat throwing a fit. I already modify my behavior to have more emotional affect because otherwise people don't believe that I'm accurately self-reporting my emotional state, but I don't want to become a drama hog just because other people think I'm a liar if I'm not. I'm gonna poo poo-sandwich you a bit here, because I don't want you to feel like you're being dogpiled. I agree with Grassy that this conversation is super-duper good faith and trying to gain understanding. While I'm not autistic, I do have fairly severe ADD, which is extremely often co-morbid w/autism, and has very similar masking issues. I have extremely deep and conflicting thoughts about masking as a whole, but what I will say is it is extremely difficult to deal with masking while attempting to explore deeply personal mental space issues with the support of others. Those that don't mask really fail to understand how much burden there is when attempting to do both, and how deeply stinging it can be when you violate a social norm that's really difficult for your flavor of disability to overcome. RSD, another fun co-morbid symptom of Autism/ADHD makes it even more of a roller coaster. John Lee posted:And reporting my own, personal experiences are usually what tilt people the MOST. I feel this way? No I don't. I experience this? Nuh-uh. Or when people make broad sweeping statements about sex and gender, and I have a relevant anecdote that contravenes common wisdom, it pisses people off. You're framing it like my personal experiences are inarguable, but my lofty opinions might not be either welcome or warranted, and in my experience the actual things that have happened to me and how I felt are the least likely things to be welcome or listened to. And yeah, me and another person, especially a more openly queer person are likely to have significant differences in experience that inform our perspective, but I'd naively think this would make me more interesting as a source, rather than something to be dismissed. If somebody else says something that seems absolutely wild to me about, like, sexuality or gender, I might not end up agreeing with them, but I'll rarely regret listening, especially if they have experiences relating to that conclusion. No space that considers itself inclusive or welcoming should be making you feel bad about the way you feel about yourself. Your personal experiences are inarguable. They are yours, and no one can make them any different. Your opinions about your own feelings will always be valid, and at the very bare minimum worth a conversion as to why you feel that way and if there was a misunderstanding or whatever. However, there is extremely challenging nuance to this. John Lee posted:"I feel this way?" & "I experience this?" are you, your feelings, and your experience. John Lee posted:"I have a relevant anecdote that contravenes common wisdom" & "this would make me more interesting as a source" & "gendered bathrooms are dumb and shouldn't exist in the first place" are very much not. These are unwelcome opinions in a safe space and community that you have not yet joined, or proven to that community you are a part of. Not that there is any intention to break that safe space or harm anyone, but the people in marginalized communities have generally experienced so much trauma around opinions and poo poo-rear end questions, that in order to protect their safe space they need to shut that down real fast (See Grassy's post). John Lee posted:I dunno how, like, incisive you thought this was, but it seems to me to be a fine way to be? Like, I'm parsing it as "You're refusing to change yourself to join a community, so it seems like all you want to do it join a community of like-minded individuals (derisive)," and... looking for a community of people who already agree with you is, like, the basic step of community? I don't join a small forum, discord server, and tumblr for niche hit show Sherlock Oaks (Sherlock Holmes But Trees) because I want to know what people say about it, I'd join because I'm already in favor of it. I don't know if this points to some key difference between how we're thinking about this, but something that you pointed at was the idea that nobody owes another person a long, grueling explanation of their personal code, experiences and how they inform each other, which is completely true and accurate! But on the other hand, the online sources I can find when I want to look up info so I don't have to bother anybody in person all have vibes like "Here's the things you should say and do, and if you do not say and do them you are Evil 😇" Community is an interesting topic, and I want to challenge your thoughts a little bit. Communities that just agree with each others sentiments and never challenge anyone because they all agree all the time are echo chambers. Everyone gets deeper and deeper and deeper set in their ways, and no one in allowed to critical think about issues as things in society change. Just imagine if progressive US political discourse never started to consider that trans people deserve rights, because anyone joining that group needed to conform exactly. Community is extremely give and take. You may not agree with everything, but a good community, once you recoginized by it's members as belonging, should be fully open to discourse regarding the state of things. They don't have to agree in the end, but should certainly be willing to engage in conversation surrounding the topic, outside of extremely beyond-the-pale stuff. Just going to re-iterate at the end of this here. Your feelings, experiences, and truths about yourself are valid. No one should be challenging those, and if they are then it's not a community worth joining.
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Nov 30, 2023 20:43
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RFC2324 posted:For the record, the A/T thread is meant for cis folk, and so has more of a culture of shutting down bad posts and opinions instead of discussing them than the CCCC thread, which is meant for trans folk to talk to each other in. Side note, my PMs are always open for anyone's trans-related questions that people are worried would be offensive (with the obvious disclaimer that I do not speak for all trans people, I've just been at this for a long time).
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Nov 30, 2023 21:59
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Once, in what felt like a genuinely open question situation on SA, I asked how HRT affects orgasms. It was out of genuine care and curiosity, for genuine reasons, and I got the equivalent of screamed at as though I'd asked someone to let me look through a magnifying glass whilst they wanked in front of me. I totally hear you on feeling unwelcome in some queer/trans spaces despite being queer/having feelings about gender even if you don't identify as trans. But at the end of the day, some people get ragey on the internet. I think that online spaces, especially those for marginalised people, can be hard to navigate in terms of the exact nature of the safety offered, but folk here are mainly suggesting that if you're feeling some way about Gender Stuff then having a little read and interact with people who cracked their egg might be helpful for you as you work out your own stuff. But it's ultimately up to you whether that's a priority - and whether working out the nature of a safe space/thread is worth it and helpful. Good luck with your sex problems and your gender thoughts!
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Dec 1, 2023 22:41
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Bollock Monkey posted:how HRT affects orgasms. well don't leave us hanging!
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Dec 2, 2023 00:20
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there is no cum there is only edge there is only goon
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Dec 2, 2023 00:22
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whydirt posted:well don't leave us hanging! My partner who is mtf said that the main difference is it's really hard to cum from penis stimulation and when you do it's not as satisfying as pre-hrt, ymmv of course, everyone is different.
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Dec 2, 2023 00:29
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whydirt posted:well don't leave us hanging! Not on HRT, so I don't know I'm afraid!
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Dec 2, 2023 15:23
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hypoallergenic cat breed posted:My partner who is mtf said that the main difference is it's really hard to cum from penis stimulation and when you do it's not as satisfying as pre-hrt, ymmv of course, everyone is different. I had a buddy back in college who was mtf and she explained her stuff was closer to a cis woman's? Like a full body spasm vs what she called "a really good sneeze" that was pretty exclusively localized to the groin, pre-hormones But yeah it's really gonna be different for everybody. I feel like googling to see if a question has already been asked somewhere else is better than just going into a safe space totally blind, guns blazing
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Dec 2, 2023 19:41
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I was curious as to whether there's a Womanizer but for penises and it looks like there is.
Bollock Monkey fucked around with this message at 23:37 on Dec 2, 2023 |
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Dec 2, 2023 23:32
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That just looks like a stroker. It doesn't have a motor or anything.
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Dec 2, 2023 23:48
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Oops, wrong link https://www.arcwave.com/uk/ion
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Dec 3, 2023 00:25
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Hi all. I am a long-time goon, but I decided to make a new account to ask this question. I’m having some problems that I want to ask advice about but I don’t really have a place to turn…so strap in. I am a 38 year old male. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for 14 years (12 of those married). I was about 25 when we married and she was 31. So we got together when I was 23. She was my first actual girlfriend and I was a virgin before being with her (she had had other boyfriends/partners before me). I have struggled with a couple sexual disfunctions since being sexually active. And still struggle to this day. I’ve always wanted to try going to see a specialist but was scared to, and asked my wife if she would go with me, but she always just shrugged it off and said no need. So I put it off until this past year. She always said that she was satisfied, so she doesn’t get what the deal is. So the main things that I have struggled with over the years are: 1. Very severe premature ejaculation (for years I could only last 5-10 seconds. After a decade I was able to last for maybe 50-60 seconds. 2. Ever since being sexually active with her, I lost my ability to have an orgasm. I still ejaculate, but there is no feeling of pleasure. I haven’t had an orgasm in well over 10 years. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I’ve been taking SSRIs for the first problem and its improved (sometimes dramatically) for me. But I’m also wondering if there are any other tips anyone might have. But even the doctor is unsure what to do about the second. I was wondering if anyone has had this kind of problem. I’ve kind of wondered if it might be psychological? My first experience was traumatic for me (something my wife doesn’t really get). And its incredibly hard to get her to understand my my needs and feelings. Generally she just says I’m thinking too much and that she’s fine with how things are. I’ve wanted to work at fixing these things for over a decade but it just doesn’t seem like its working. I’ve wondered if the inability to have an orgasm is a result of trauma or psychological response to a lack of satisfaction. Again, wondering if there is any advice. Sorry for the long post. But this has been a life long problem. I’ve realized I’ve never enjoyed sex and have questioned whether I’m even meant to (to the point of just wanting to give up and just not have it anymore). So, any advice would be appreciated.
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Dec 6, 2023 14:59
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Not discounting the trauma at all, but inability to orgasm and not enjoying sex is a super common side effect of SSRI's so it sounds like your fix for your premature ejaculations maybe worked too well. If you're not depressed I would talk to a doctor about getting off them so you can get off. If you do need antidepressants for other reasons you can talk to your doctor about supplementing with or switching to Bupropion. That said, it sounds to me like you've built up a bit of resentment towards your wife over her lack of understanding. Even if your sexual functioning was completely normal that can throw a spanner in the works, so if I am reading you correctly that should be addressed. thotsky fucked around with this message at 15:22 on Dec 6, 2023 |
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Dec 6, 2023 15:14
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thotsky posted:Not discounting the trauma at all, but inability to orgasm and not enjoying sex is a super common side effect of SSRI's so it sounds like your fix for your premature ejaculations worked too well. If you're not depressed I would talk to a doctor about getting off them so you can get off. If you do need antidepressants for other reasons you can talk to your doctor about supplementing with or switching to Bupropion. Well I've only been on SSRIs for 2 months. I've lacked the ability to orgasm for over 10 years. I've also never enjoyed sex. Strangely enough, shortly after starting SSRI's I would get a little tingly sensation when finishing. Like a very small tiny orgasm. But that disappeared a few weeks in. EDIT: Sorry...towards the second part. I don't think its resentment as much as it is...disappointment and feeling really hurt. I think things have really come to head for me recently. So maybe its psychological and its type to really have a lengthy conversation about how this serious this is for me. Yangrendan fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Dec 6, 2023 |
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Dec 6, 2023 15:21
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It could very well be psychological. The other alternatives I know of would be a history of addiction, having been or being on psychiatric medication, or brain/spine damage. You kind of have to get a real doctor to look into it. Is it the same with masturbation? Disappointment and hurt feelings grow into resentment with time. It's a poison that will kill your relationship in my opinion. It's really good that you managed to start making progress on this yourself though. It's your body, and while it's understandable that you're upset that she's not engaging with you more on this you should avoid using her lack of involvement to procrastinate. That might confuse the issue and you could even start blaming her for it, subconsciously. thotsky fucked around with this message at 16:01 on Dec 6, 2023 |
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Dec 6, 2023 15:39
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Yangrendan posted:Well I've only been on SSRIs for 2 months. I've lacked the ability to orgasm for over 10 years. I've also never enjoyed sex. Strangely enough, shortly after starting SSRI's I would get a little tingly sensation when finishing. Like a very small tiny orgasm. But that disappeared a few weeks in. What’s it like when you masturbate? Do you masturbate? Did you masturbate when you were younger? Was there ever a point where you stopped/etc?
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Dec 6, 2023 19:26
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Yangrendan posted:Hi all. When you masturbated pre-sex, did it only last 10-60 seconds? And when you masturbate now does it last 10-60? It’s always possible that you need significantly more time/attention/foreplay in order to enjoy the orgasm. Even if I ejaculated after only 60 seconds of stimulation I don’t think I’d enjoy it. As a separate idea, previous to the SSRIs, how does your body respond attempting to go for a second round, either immediately or within like 5 minutes? Both for sex or masturbation. If your body is capable of that, it pretty quickly solves the premature issue, and who knows the second one might be more enjoyable.
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Dec 6, 2023 19:38
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thotsky posted:Good advice Thanks. This is all good advice. I will reflect on this Ok Comboomer posted:What’s it like when you masturbate? Do you masturbate? Did you masturbate when you were younger? Was there ever a point where you stopped/etc? Pilfered Pallbearers posted:When you masturbated pre-sex, did it only last 10-60 seconds? Used to orgasm from masturbation. Stopped happening after becoming sexually active. I've had PE since at least high school. In High school if I made out with someone, and their hand even brushed anywhere near that area I would ejaculate. Masturbating was less than a minute. Now that I've been taking SSRIs, masturbation might last up to 6 minutes. Still no orgasm though. Pilfered Pallbearers posted:
My partner is not really interested in second rounds (we've talked about it), so I'm not even sure. I've never really tried to get stimulated again after the first round...but I assume I could if there was intimacy or we tried to go again.
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Dec 6, 2023 20:23
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I think booking in with a doctor is always a good idea for body stuff that you're unhappy with or worried about. Get yourself an appointment. It also sounds like your wife not understanding your feelings or needs is something you should really look to address. It's hard to know what the whole situation is from your posts, but open and honest communication is key to any relationship. Having a partner who understands and cares for your needs is a really vital part of having a fulfilling relationship and sex life - conversations about sex can feel difficult and daunting, but you owe it to both of you to try. You might also consider getting support for your previous trauma.
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Dec 6, 2023 21:07
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also if your wife is unwilling or uninterested in helping meet your sexual needs/wants then that needs to be addressed with clear eyes
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Dec 6, 2023 21:18
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Are you lubing? You could try lube or different lube to switch up the sensory stimuli.
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Dec 6, 2023 21:25
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Question: Lately I found that getting off for getting off's sake does nothing for me. I need be to emotionally invested. I'm a cis woman on SSRIs which I'm sure aren't helping. But when I try to get off normally I just get bored. Is my junk broke or am I just demisexual?
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Jan 4, 2024 01:35
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Violet_Sky posted:Question: Lately I found that getting off for getting off's sake does nothing for me. I need be to emotionally invested. I'm a cis woman on SSRIs which I'm sure aren't helping. But when I try to get off normally I just get bored. Is my junk broke or am I just demisexual? SSRIs can certainly affect sex drive. If this is something you want to fix, I'd probably start by talking with your doctor about it. But there's nothing wrong with you unless it's a problem. Lots of people don't have much interest in sex outside of an emotional connection. So maybe that means you're demisexual, at least at the moment? It's a label, if calling yourself demisexual is useful for you right now, then great.
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Jan 4, 2024 02:11
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