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Hi all. I am a long-time goon, but I decided to make a new account to ask this question. I’m having some problems that I want to ask advice about but I don’t really have a place to turn…so strap in. I am a 38 year old male. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for 14 years (12 of those married). I was about 25 when we married and she was 31. So we got together when I was 23. She was my first actual girlfriend and I was a virgin before being with her (she had had other boyfriends/partners before me). I have struggled with a couple sexual disfunctions since being sexually active. And still struggle to this day. I’ve always wanted to try going to see a specialist but was scared to, and asked my wife if she would go with me, but she always just shrugged it off and said no need. So I put it off until this past year. She always said that she was satisfied, so she doesn’t get what the deal is. So the main things that I have struggled with over the years are: 1. Very severe premature ejaculation (for years I could only last 5-10 seconds. After a decade I was able to last for maybe 50-60 seconds. 2. Ever since being sexually active with her, I lost my ability to have an orgasm. I still ejaculate, but there is no feeling of pleasure. I haven’t had an orgasm in well over 10 years. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I’ve been taking SSRIs for the first problem and its improved (sometimes dramatically) for me. But I’m also wondering if there are any other tips anyone might have. But even the doctor is unsure what to do about the second. I was wondering if anyone has had this kind of problem. I’ve kind of wondered if it might be psychological? My first experience was traumatic for me (something my wife doesn’t really get). And its incredibly hard to get her to understand my my needs and feelings. Generally she just says I’m thinking too much and that she’s fine with how things are. I’ve wanted to work at fixing these things for over a decade but it just doesn’t seem like its working. I’ve wondered if the inability to have an orgasm is a result of trauma or psychological response to a lack of satisfaction. Again, wondering if there is any advice. Sorry for the long post. But this has been a life long problem. I’ve realized I’ve never enjoyed sex and have questioned whether I’m even meant to (to the point of just wanting to give up and just not have it anymore). So, any advice would be appreciated.
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Dec 6, 2023 14:59
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 00:32 |
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thotsky posted:Not discounting the trauma at all, but inability to orgasm and not enjoying sex is a super common side effect of SSRI's so it sounds like your fix for your premature ejaculations worked too well. If you're not depressed I would talk to a doctor about getting off them so you can get off. If you do need antidepressants for other reasons you can talk to your doctor about supplementing with or switching to Bupropion. Well I've only been on SSRIs for 2 months. I've lacked the ability to orgasm for over 10 years. I've also never enjoyed sex. Strangely enough, shortly after starting SSRI's I would get a little tingly sensation when finishing. Like a very small tiny orgasm. But that disappeared a few weeks in. EDIT: Sorry...towards the second part. I don't think its resentment as much as it is...disappointment and feeling really hurt. I think things have really come to head for me recently. So maybe its psychological and its type to really have a lengthy conversation about how this serious this is for me. Yangrendan fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Dec 6, 2023 |
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Dec 6, 2023 15:21
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thotsky posted:Good advice Thanks. This is all good advice. I will reflect on this Ok Comboomer posted:What’s it like when you masturbate? Do you masturbate? Did you masturbate when you were younger? Was there ever a point where you stopped/etc? Pilfered Pallbearers posted:When you masturbated pre-sex, did it only last 10-60 seconds? Used to orgasm from masturbation. Stopped happening after becoming sexually active. I've had PE since at least high school. In High school if I made out with someone, and their hand even brushed anywhere near that area I would ejaculate. Masturbating was less than a minute. Now that I've been taking SSRIs, masturbation might last up to 6 minutes. Still no orgasm though. Pilfered Pallbearers posted:
My partner is not really interested in second rounds (we've talked about it), so I'm not even sure. I've never really tried to get stimulated again after the first round...but I assume I could if there was intimacy or we tried to go again.
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Dec 6, 2023 20:23
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Bollock Monkey posted:
trilobite terror posted:also if your wife is unwilling or uninterested in helping meet your sexual needs/wants then that needs to be addressed with clear eyes Hi all...sorry I disappeared. I ended up deciding to talk with her about a lot of issues. Not only sexual stuff but other issues in the marriage...we are now living separated after going back and forth on divorce. I realized a lot and she did too. Concerning related to the thread topic: major problems have been no climax and a lack of emotional connection during sex. I realized I don't feel anything with her. She finally has opened up to these issues and she says she wants to try to help me with them. But she also wonders if its because of our issues and my trauma. She wonders if maybe its because I need a more supportive partner. She also said something that really hurt. I tried to explain to her that I felt I have always been missing an emotional component and I've always been searching and can't find it. She told me she didn't understand. She said that having sex, the pleasure is the same with or without the emotional part. She would feel the same kind of pleasure and experience with me that she would with a one night stand. I know everyone is different...but is it possible that maybe one of my big issues is the lack of emotion and love partially messing up the experience? Would anyone else be really bothered by the comment about it not being any different based on who you are with? I'm starting therapy, so I'm hoping maybe that will help me work through these issues. I'm thinking a lot of it is psychological. However, I don't know that it will ever be fixed staying in the current relationship.
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Jan 8, 2024 11:09
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Thank you everyone. I will try to get through things. I don't think things are really salvageable to be honest. She has done things over the past month that I have felt are emotionally manipulative (though I don't think that's her intention. Just how I feel). She wants to try to continue and help me fix my dysfunctions, however, at this point in time I don't even want to think about being intimate with her. After the past month I'm not sure if I can go back to wanting her. That's brought me alot of anxiety and fear about my future. So I want to ask my final question: is it possible for a man at 38 to find a partner who will accept that I have little sexual experience and might need to work through dysfunctions? I don't know if and when I will have another relationship, but I do want to solve these issues. And, if I do solve them, I would really like to be with a partner who will communicate from the beginning and with whom I don't have intense emotional baggage. But I'm frightened that no one outside of my current partner will really be able to accept that. The Door Frame posted:That seems very poorly worded. Is that what she actually said, or is that what you heard? Sorry I'm translating this from another language. She said that the hugging and kissing before the act might feel different, but the act itself, the pleasure, and stimulation are the same. The emotional component does nothing to make the act itself more pleasureable. EDIT: I decided to edit out a few details. Yangrendan fucked around with this message at 05:20 on Jan 11, 2024 |
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Jan 9, 2024 15:57
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