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hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

KelJu posted:

Forgive my stupidity, but why do you use a condom for anal sex with your wife?

Really? Because that's where poop comes out.

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hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

loki k zen posted:

...so my 6" boy was incredulous about the possibility that the reason condoms sucked for him was that he needed a larger size (he was also convinced he was tiny because he is pretty small when flaccid, which I am like who gives a gently caress what size it is when it's not in use).

You don't understand men and their dicks. Most of us would, if the option presented itself, have dicks far too large to actually have sex with. I don't know why, except to point and say in my best caveman voice "Biggest dick am best dick!"

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

KelJu posted:

Haha, I am aware. It can be a little dirty sometimes, but for me, one of the best perks of being in a monogamous relationship is being able to go bareback without a condom without fear of STDs and such.

Well, you asked. Some people really, really don't want poop on their dick.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

It's nerves, I went through the same thing, as do a lot of guys. The main thing to do is forget about having some goal for sex, or that it has to end with or even involve PIV. Just have fun, worry free sexy times, and it'll come.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Grand Prize Winner posted:

Me and my partner are both really into giving oral. She likes receiving from me, but I really don't enjoy it when she blows me. She tends to use more teeth than strictly necessary and the choking noise grosses me out more than turns me on. Open and honest communication is key here, but I'm really bad at positive criticism. How do I suggest that she blow me better without sounding like an unappreciative rear end in a top hat?

Or maybe it's me? I have never enjoyed any BJ I've ever had.

Just tell her your not into deepthroating? I assume that's what you're doing, since I don't know where else the choking noises would come from.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Cuckoo posted:

I have a vasectomy-related problem that's scaring the poo poo out of me. :ohdear:

Recently, the guy I am currently with had made the decision to have a vasectomy. He was adamant about no kids, and I fully supported him. He went through with it, needed ice on his balls for a couple of days but felt fine afterwards, and everything seemed cool. However, there is a side effect appearing that has us both scared shitless. While he can gain and maintain erections and still cum, even with his balls still being a bit tender, he says the orgasms themselves are far less intense. I do notice that before his jizz could fly at least 3 feet and now it just kind of dribbles out. There is also slightly less load volume. We don't care about either of that, though. He says his balls don't draw up or have as much pressure, and that his resulting orgasms are less intense and over with quicker. It could be psychological, or the tiny lingering pain of the vasectomy throwing him off. Maybe he's not even truly orgasming at the moment and is having one of those retrograde ejaculations with no actual orgasm to back it. My biggest fear is the doctor hosed up a nerve and permanently affected his ability to have regular orgasms.

Of course it could be other things; his balls aren't still back to normal as it's only been a couple of weeks. He's also been jacking off a lot, both to clear the old sperm out of his system and to try and see if the problem gets better as the days go by. He said he had a "different feeling, but still good" orgasm the very first time he jacked it after the vasectomy which was only several days later, and they have gotten weaker and worse ever since. He also says there is a slight twinge of pain in his right nut right when he orgasms still. He will be going in for a checkup with the doctor in several weeks, and will of course bring it up to him. He is going to hold off on jacking it just to let his balls recover more and to see if the issue is a matter of needing more buildup. I also told him to exercise his PC muscles as much as possible if it doesn't hurt him.

This seems fairly rare on the internet and I'm having problems finding solutions - most Google searching leads to guys who flat out can't get boners or cum anymore, which doesn't seem to be his issue. If worse comes to worse, can a reversal fix this or is it permanent? Has anyone had similar issues with a vasectomy, and did it go away in time? Is there a way he can have stronger orgasms even with this?

It took over three months for me to 100% recover from my vasectomy, but from what you're saying, it could just be the lots of jacking off. Jack off a lot, orgasms will just be less intense, period. A vasectomy shouldn't permanently mess up any sexual pleasure, since the vas deferens isn't an erogenous zone. One thing to try is kegels, doing male kegels will strengthen the muscles related to ejaculation, which will increase distance and intensity. But honestly, it's probably just a matter of time, it is not unusual to take a month or two before you fully get over a vasectomy.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

SuppressdPuberty93 posted:

Anyone into cuckold sex? The gf brought it up today and not sure how i feel about it :/

Edit" I will be cuckolded.

There's certainly people really into the cuckolding fantasy, but I don't think there's anyone who's really a "maybe" on it.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Tias posted:

I have a question about BDSM practices, is there a specific thread for that or can I come (hurr) here?

There was but it's long been archived, so ask away.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Tias posted:

I'm getting into BDSM, and just heard about the "traffic light" type of progressive safe word. Allegedly, you use "red" to immediately stop the scene because your borders are being violated, "yellow" to ask for a lower tempo (or reconsidering the scene?), and "green" to express full satisfaction with a scene.

I'd just like to hear from anyone who uses it how it works for them, and when they use red, yellow and green respectively?

It works basically how it sounds, a word for good, a word for pause/slow, and a word for stop. I'll say there's no reason not to just say "No stop ow" as a safeword, all else being equal, and make sure to have a non-verbal safeword, like clapping, as backup. Also, know that a Dom can and should use safe words too.

As to what the safewords exactly mean, and if you even want more than one, that comes down to individual preference and the demands of the exact activity you're doing.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 19:56 on Aug 10, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Tias posted:

Allright, thanks. I think I'll just talk it over with a prospective sub so we agree 100% on what means what.

Cool. Also, if you're with a new partner, or even if not, it's always good fun to do a kink worksheet together. Link below, it's a great way to understand where you're each coming from and what you want to do and why.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/02/concise-kink-worksheet.html?m=1

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Kimmalah posted:

The only problem I could see with that is if it's not clear beforehand that saying "no, stop" is actually a safe word meaning actually stop and not something that's being done as some verbal part of the scene. So definitely make sure of that.

I think if you're not 100% SUPER SURE, "no stop" means "no stop". I've negotiated scenes where we were clear about only the safewords would pause or end things, and anything else means "keep going" and I still sometimes paused them in the middle to check. " Yellow, are you still good?"

This kind of mid-scene check in obviously happens less as you get to know a partner and get comfortable with their body language, but I still check before every scene whether no means no.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

sweetbeets posted:

I feel like sex toys deserve their own thread. It seems like they've taken over here.

Yeah but then this thread would be even more glacial than it is.

shelper posted:

Anyway, my most pressing issue is. I want to make her feel good, but she isn't the most communicative. When we're in bed, I ask her what I can do that she likes, and she tells me she doesn't know.
First I presumed she just didn't want to tell me, but is it possible for a girl in het early twenties to just not know which body buttons to push that make her feel good?
I don't want to interrogate the girl on what might be a sensitive issue, nor send her home with homework "two page essay on what feels good".

Using my amazing sexual imagination, we tried missionary, her on top, and me doing oral, but she's as communicative as I am during the act itself (we're both quiet as little mice), so three position later, i still have no idea what works for her.

Any idea on how I can get her to open up?

If she doesn't give you feedback before, during, or after sex, you're going to be stuck. It could be she's embarrassed to talk about sex, or a specific fantasy/kink she has, or she really just doesn't know what she likes. If it's the former, sex/kink worksheets can be really helpful for jump-starting talking about not just what you two like about sex, but why as well. These are more of a conversation starter and a group activity, to provide a little helpful structure. If it's the latter, the number one thing would be for her to explore sex by herself more as well. Ultimately learning how to make herself feel good is the best way to let you know how to make her feel good.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Oh, to touch on butt stuff, a lot of people here recommend trying it because it is very pleasurable if done safely, and a lot of people haven't tried it. It can stimulate the prostate in men as well, which is a very different kind of feeling, and can help with issues like anorgasmia or just intensifies cumming. But it's a more advanced sex activity, and extra good communication and a lot of warm up and lube is required. I wouldn't recommend trying it until both of you are more comfortable with your sex life, unless she specifically requests it.

If you're interested, you can always try it by yourself and see if you like it, but I wouldn't try it as a couple until you're more comfortable with each other in the boudoir.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 20:16 on Aug 27, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

loki k zen posted:

Butt stuff isn't any kind of silver bullet and I'm not sure where that idea came from but it's a bad one. It's a thing some people like, it's not gonna fix any problems.

I think sometimes it gets brought up with tongue firmly in cheek, and that might not always come across. "Sex has gotten a little stale/having trouble cumming" is one thing, and they come up frequently, but I don't think anyone seriously thinks assplay can reliably improve an interpersonal dynamic.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Darfuri War Orphan posted:

So, I drunkenly hooked up with a girl in Edinburgh the two weeks ago and was so wasted the idea of using a condom completely slipped my idiot mind. She told me she has an IUD, so she is unlikely to be pregnant, but she also mentioned in conversation earlier that she has hosed about a hundred guys in her life over the course of about twelve years. Not showing or feeling any symptoms of anything yet, but can anyone give me an idea of how hosed I am in terms of how many STIs I likely just contracted? The worst part is that I'm usually not a "random hook-up" type of guy, and yet this happened and I just feel awful about it. I'm planning to get tested shortly after I get back to the US in a week, so we'll see what happens. Is there anything I should particularly be looking out for? How completely worried about loving up my life should I be?

Not at all; there's one STD that is life-altering (HIV), and the contraction rate is very low from a single encounter. Seriously, like 2% likely. Hep B is naturally fought by your immune system and the vast majority of people are fine in a couple weeks, and if you kept up on vaccinations, you'll actually be immune. Herpes is a nuisance that might bug you twice a year, and is on par with athlete's foot in terms of life-altering consequences. Every other STD is curable with antibiotics, antifungals, or an over the counter shampoo in the case of crabs.

Literally the only STD to worry yourself about is HIV, and like I said, that's very unlikely from a single bad decision. You'll be fine, just get tested soon, because there are a number of bacterial infections that can be a big deal if not treated.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 21:54 on Aug 30, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Momohime Katsumi posted:

I'm getting into some bondage stuff for the first time and bought some under-the-bed restraints. Any tips on how to make them fun? I tried restraining my partner and teasing them but that can't be all there is to this.

What did you think would be fun about the restraints when you bought them? Roleplay? Sensory play? The dom/sub dynamic? It's a psychological thing more than anything, you subject your bottom to whatever you want, give them an experience directed by you, use other toys on them, or just straight up give it to 'em hard. If you don't think tying up your partner and doing stuff to them is fun, all I can really recommend is to think about why you wanted to try restraints, be creative, and add a mental angle to it. Because that's basically all there is to it on a mechanical level.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 07:49 on Sep 2, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

beefart posted:

Thanks for the advice. Thankfully, she's deep enough to do any position, but the girth is a problem. In the way of lube for this kind of situation, is there preferred a type that works best for minimizing stretched vag aches, like tingling/heating/cooling/whatever?

You probably want a non-desensitizing water based lube that's meant for anal, since those will be thicker and longer lasting. I've had good experience with JO as a brand. One thing that's worked for me when I am warming up the V is to make her full-on cum at least once, it'll get endorphins moving and relax her muscles. I'll say I don't think you're ever going to totally eliminate post-coitus aches, but it definitely shouldn't be painful during the act. My wife says that after we do large insertions, there's a pleasant soreness, like after exercising.

But seriously, fisting is a thing, so I'm sure there's a way for most women to be able to handle your reportedly monster dong.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

ManOfTheYear posted:

Should I use protection when doing cunnilingus? Also, how?

Saran wrap will do if you don't have a purpose made dental dam. And you should use it unless you're OK getting oral herpes or know your partner is clean, just like any other protection.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

ManOfTheYear posted:

Dental dam? What's that?

It's the thing you're too lazy to Google.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

John Lee posted:

Sometimes I'm stupid, and sometimes I'm poor at composition, and sometimes I have trouble getting my tone across in text, and any or all of these things my have contributed, but no, I wasn't trolling. I had a legit problem with how I thought about a sex act, I wanted to ask a number of people about it at once in a place where it was okay to do so. Sorry if it was poorly placed; like I said, I considered putting it in E/N because I was frankly feeling overemotional about it.

Anyways, thanks to the people who replied and helped me out.

I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to call out the part where you felt like you weren't doing much since she brings herself to orgasm. Imagine the difference between jerking off, and jerking off while she does stuff. It's a very different, more intense experience where you were still the one to bring yourself to orgasm, and I bet you would never say she gave you no or little "sexual pleasure". It does make you any less of a partner in it, and you should count yourself lucky to have a woman confident enough to look after her own satisfaction and not fake it.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Soysaucebeast posted:

Where can I find a good database of doctors and/or therapists that deal with minor sexual issues like a low sex drive, for the Saint Louis, MO area? My fiancee has been struggling with his for a good while now. It went from us having sex a few times a week to now about once every month or so (and even that is him forcing himself to have sex) over the course of a year and a half. He says he's just disinterested in sex. We've talked about it, and he wants to get back to where he was when the relationship first began, but he has no idea where to begin looking for help on this. He'd like to do a physical exam first just to make sure it's not hormonal or something, but I honestly feel it's more psychological. He's been under a lot of stress lately (we moved from Lousiana to Missouri, he went from a decently paying job to a lower paying one, he's feeling insecure about our relationship because he thinks that if he doesn't start sleeping with me more I'll leave him (not true), and his (undiagnosed) depression has been kicking in a lot more than normal lately too). I honestly think that just having a therapist help him work through his mental/emotional stuff will get him to a place where his libido will naturally get back to normal.

The best ways are going through your insurance, or getting a recommendation from another mental health professional. I'd also recommend seeing someone if he has depression issues for that alone; depression sucks, affects every part of your life, and rarely gets better with time.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Safewords can also be non-verbal, like dropping an object you're holding or the tap-out motion. Bottom line is, safewords can be whatever you want, no one forgets them, there are some standard ones to use, and it's important to have them when doing any kind of sexual roleplaying, BDSM or no, because it's important to keep what's said in character and out of character crystal-clear. And any sane person will stop if they hear "Stop oh god I forgot the safeword please stop" regardless.

Turtlicious posted:

Ok, so I was being hyperbolical for a reason, that reason is this:

Please shut up about your kink, you weirdo.

No one is being weird or inappropriate with their answers, I don't know why you're flipping out like the thread is going to get closed over an innocent questions about safewords.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 18:13 on Oct 28, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

C-Euro posted:

I could have sworn there was an A/T thread specifically about, and there's a few sentences about the subject in general in the OP, but I gotta ask- any male-specific tips for trimming and cleaning up one's pubic hair? My fiance claims that she'll give me more head if I lose some of the hair in that area, and I figure that calling her on it is worth a shot. Probably best to start with some sort of smaller hair-trimming scissors and a steady hand?

Use an electric trimmer set to one to give it a good once over, then shave it just like shaving your face. Only tricky spot is the balls, but just go light and slow and it'll be fine. It also feels primo, in addition to helping oral sex.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

DandyLion posted:

Anyone else have problems enjoying themselves when it seems their partner isn't? I can't fathom (in the case of fellatio for example) how so many guys can take such regular enjoyment out of an act that for the most part is directly unpleasant or 'work' for the giver (in the sense that a dick in a mouth doesn't do anything for the persons mouth, per se). I can take as given that there are probably individuals out there that do in fact enjoy it, but based on my aggregate experiences as well as polled information from my immediate network of friends, it seems that's the norm for most (within varying degrees).

It would seem some degree of disconnect is required to overcome any nagging empathetic response lest you be destined to suffer at the whim of your partners tastes. Aside from domination fantasies or power play where the individual is directly getting off on accomplishing an act that their partner might not be deriving immediate pleasure from, is it rare for people to be affected by whether or not their partner sincerely enjoys (rather than accommodates) whats occurring?

There's a lot more to sex than direct genital stimulation, just because it doesn't make her cum doesn't mean it isn't sexy and enjoyable. You seem to think if a sex act doesn't lead to orgasm for a person, that means they're "suffering" by doing it, which is a false dichotomy if I've ever heard one.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

FISHMANPET posted:

Is there any reason why a doctor would normally screen for that? She just had an IUD put in a few weeks ago and I'd think if the symptoms are that obvious the doctor would say something, right? Though maybe since it's only when she's aroused, the doctor wouldn't detect it?

Also, better way to bring it up to her than "Dear, I was asking some strangers on the internet about your stank pussy, and they think you might have a yest infection."

Dude it doesn't matter, if her vagina still smells that rank, assuming she has basic hygiene taken care of, she should see a doctor specifically for that. That's all that needs to be said.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Masonity posted:

True of both vaginii and strawberries.


Or have I been getting crap strawberries?

I realize this is grammatical nitpicking in our buttstuff thread, but the Latin plural is vaginae.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

EB Nulshit posted:

Okay. And I suppose I'll look weird if I pull out a condom when someone goes down on me, as well?

Protection for oral sex is a little on the cautious side, but at the same time, it's not that weird for casual sex. If this is a romantic partner, it'd be more common and easier to both just get tested, but if it's a hookup or first date type scenario, it's not weird to not want to get the herp.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

EB Nulshit posted:

Seriously? How does that work?

Are you seriously asking how to have sex without using your mouth?

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Jedit posted:

It's a valid question. Many women (and some men) cannot come from PIV alone and need other kinds of stimulation.

It's a false dichotomy to say it's either oral or PIV.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Chakan posted:

I want to tie my SO up and I'm looking for tips/guides whatever. Can folks share from their experiences or provide links?

http://www.twistedmonk.com/ has high quality bondage rope and some instructional videos on some starter ties. What makes their rope stand out is that it's hemp, which holds knots extremely well, but unlike most hemp rope, it's treated to be smooth and soft on skin. Most rope you'll find in your lovely local sex shop is nylon, which will slip and be a pain to tie well. You can buy your own hemp rope and treat it for a fraction of the cost, but that's a pain in the rear end, so if you can afford it, I'd pass on that.

From my experience, rope is harder to use than other restraints, so if it's just the immobilization that appeals to you, leather cuffs are faster and easier to use. You'll need to learn specific ties for rope bondage, ties that will not pinch or put too much weight on any one part. Doing a normal square knot, say, will not only not be comfortable for your SO, it can cause nerve damage or interrupt blood flow. Of course, rope has a certain mystique unique to it, and I'd say it's worth the extra work, but just be mindful that there's an upfront commitment in terms of both time and money.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

FISHMANPET posted:

I guess I'm picturing something more the second type than the first, although where does a butt dildo end and a butt plug start, size/shape wise?

Philosophers have debated the "Paradox of the Butt Dildo" since the days of Ancient Greece.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Galick posted:

So, dunno if this is the proper thread or no, but my partner is asexual. I'm entirely fine with it, but I was wondering if anyone knows of a way to get that emotional bond from sex without, y'know, the sex? Or something similar/close?

Romance, is I think what you're looking for.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Kimmalah posted:

It's really going to depend on the person though. From what I've seen, people who consider themselves asexual are very particular about what they want and don't want. So some will be into the usual romantic stuff, some won't. Some will like stuff like cuddling, massages, or even some sexual things, some won't. The minutiae of it can get pretty mind-boggling sometimes.

Sexual people can also be pretty particular about what they want and don't want, and I've known people who don't like all of those things without not liking sex. Romance always comes down to the individual.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

GoodBee posted:

That's basically what I was asking. In the linked pictures, it looked like there were 3 parts, the dongy bit, what looked like some sort of handle that it plugged into and a USB port. I was wondering where the battery was. It sounds like the "handle" was the charger and battery is in the toy.

Sounds like you still need to keep the (clearly a sex) toy plugged in all the time if you want to be spontaneous. That could be a problem if yoy like to keep those things private, depending on you living situation.

It's why I went with something with batteries ages ago.

To be fair, if you're living with parents or something, it's hard to do anything sexual "spontaneously", so you'll know when things are going to go down enough to charge your toy up. And if you're just living with friends/roommates, I say let your flag fly and worst case they're mad jealous of all the high tech 21st Century action you're getting.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Captain Log posted:

Hey goon friends,

I recently started seeing this woman who is awesome, but we ran in to a bit of an odd situation. While I'm about five years older than her, she has a kid and I assumed her previous sexual experiences weren't absolute poo poo.

Wrong.

So now I'm coming to the internet for advice. :sigh: But I love the forums and think some good people are on here. I'm thinking about getting her a vibrator and maybe a book about enjoying sex? She obviously knows how things work (has a kid) but is just so inexperienced I don't want to gently caress anything up. I adore her and think the world of her and don't give a flaming poo poo about getting off in this situation. I just want to see about making this lady happy and maybe we could have some fun? It's bizarre territory so any advice is appreciated.

(It really sounds like the men in her past were from the "hump hump hump jizz sleep make me a sanwich" school of thought. It disgusts me that she could get this far in life without an orgasm or any pleasure.)

Make sure she knows it's fine to have sex that doesn't end with an orgasm, and an orgasm won't have to end the sex either. A lot, and I mean a LOT, of women think a man won't do anything sexual to finish her off if he comes first, and these same men will bitch and moan if they don't get their blowjob-PIV-nut-cleanup flowchart sex like in the pornos. Also make it clear you'll never ego trip out if she didn't like something, she wanted to stop, or if she has any criticism.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Captain Log posted:

I also want to go beat the hell out of her previous men. I need the world to exist in a Wild West movie moment where I can just walk up to a dude and slap him for being the piece of poo poo.

That's fine to feel, but I'd seriously recommend not telling her that. Don't attack or even talk about previous relationships or partners, it could easily lead to her feeling ashamed or that she's been doing things "wrong". It's not THE END OF THE WORLD here, think of it as there's a super fun thing to do that she hasn't heard of, and you get to share it with her.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Violet_Sky posted:

I've always thought like this. Of course, it doesn't help that most of the Internet that I read as a teenager consisted of "Hey, my girl won't deep-throat me after I watched that romantic comedy with her, what do?" :v: It made me feel like sex was a bargaining tool and that I'd better be prepared to deep throat my guy or else he'd leave me for the more attractive and able-bodied girl. I didn't bother to ask any counselors about this because I didn't have any boyfriends and I assume that was what you had to do to keep a guy. As a result, I now have this mind-set where I have to make a guy happy because being with a disabled women is stressful and there is ALWAYS someone better. But you and Captain Log give me hope that maybe guys can be patient human beings after all. :unsmith:

TL;DR: Growing up as a disabled woman can really gently caress-up your self esteem and the Internet can sometimes make it worse.

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I never get guys who seem content to have begrudging debt-sex, it's the loving worst. Like they don't get that if you can get your lady enthusiastic about sex, you get better sex more often.

Captain Log posted:

I...errr...I'm fine. I don't venture around these parts of the forums much so maybe I should have stayed quiet. I'm not having some weird fantasies about hurting people and I apologize if it came off that way. I guess I'm saying I don't really know how to respond to that and...thanks for caring?

He's just saying if you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, seeking help with it may well improve your quality of life and ability to see things objectively and clearly. Or at least that's what I think; I was diagnosed with major depression three years ago, and these have been the best three years of my life because it brought so many disparate problems in my life into focus, and helped me figure a lot of poo poo out. Not just with myself either, but I'm a better friend, better worker, and better husband than when I went in for treatment, no doubt. And antidepressants are a goddamned miracle. Just my experience, I wish someone had pushed me to see someone sooner, so I'm always trying to promote good mental health.

Also, if it gives you hope, I grew up with the Internet, a ready stream of double anal deep throating videos at my beck and call, and I still managed to figure out porn is stuff that looks hot, not stuff that feels good.

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

Violet_Sky posted:

Yeah, I should really seek therapy for my E/N issues involving sex and attraction, but I really don't know if its worth it. It basically is a lifetime of issues that I just learned existed a year ago and I feel that most people wouldn't understand. :emo:

Also, I recently took a history of sexuality class and we watched a few scenes from Deep Throat It almost blew my mind that the female characters pursued their own sexuality and got men to pleasure them. I understand that Deep Throat was shown in mainstream cinemas, so it was pretty sophisticated by porn standards, but what the hell happened to hetero porn? A lot of the heterosexual female students said that they preferred watching lesbian porn to het porn.

It's a therapist's job to understand those kind of issues. It can take a couple tries to find someone that is a good fit for you, but even then, it's really helpful just to have a place and time that forces you to examine your thoughts and actions vocally, with someone to provide direction and an outside perspective.

Deep Throat was shown in major theaters, because porn was shown in major theaters up until the 80s, as I recall, when there was a big push by the moral majority to get theaters to stop showing X and NC17 rated films. I don't know why porn moved on to more and more extreme content, but there is sex-positive porn out there as well.

hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 22:49 on Dec 15, 2014

hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

keyvin posted:

I've always been in a relationship, but I've always been more into porn and my own fantasies. When I had sex, it was to please my partner. How pleasing could it possibly be to know that your partner is kind of soft during sex with you though. During sex I have had to focus on fantasies and strain to cum. I decided I wanted to fix it. I came clean to my partner, I apologized, and I told her the depth of my kink. It wasn't a complete surprise because I told her I had it early on in our relationship. She didn't ask any questions about it so I thought she just didn't want to know.

I've got two problems. One is the being soft during sex and not being in the moment. I promised her I wouldn't look at anything erotic on the internet ever again, and she has full access to my browsing history, plus gets a very terse email about whether I may have looked at something mature for accountability. Now that the porno has been kicked to the curb I am focusing on not straining or thinking of something other than my partner during sex. It takes a very long time to reach climax, if ever. I am already staying harder, so at least there is progress. My partner is working with me patiently and I am grateful. The question is: What can I do to reach climax faster/easier? My partner likes to be woken up for sex, but I don't think she would like having sex for an hour at two in the morning.

The second question - and its not exactly about sex. I need to feel like my partner is very in control out of the bedroom. I thought this was a kink thing. I didn't realize I needed this to feel deeply, intimately connected with my partner. I've realized it is an emotional craving not a sexual one, and that is why I have had such un-fulfilling long term relationships. Anyone know of any books that aren't fundy christian or erotic in any way on this topic? I'd like to better understand why I feel this way.

So if you always had sex for someone else's pleasure, that's it right there, you aren't comfortable having sex for your pleasure. Getting rid of porn, at least temporarily, is a good first step, but realize for years you've never treated sex as something to do for your own satisfaction; even now, you're talking about sex in terms of what she likes. What do you like, what kinks do you want to explore, what positions do you like best? You're approaching this from a very behavior-oriented place, where you're looking to change what you do in order to change how you feel, and that's helpful don't get me wrong, but you should also be doing some introspection to find out how sex can change to meet your needs and what place you want it to have in your life. It would also probably help to ask why you feel the need to climax every time during sex. You don't have to, and you can just wake her up, have sex for however long is comfortable, and call it there. It will still be fun for both of you, and you can either finish yourself off, or have sex again later. There's no requirement that sex has to end with orgasm, and taking that pressure off yourself will probably ironically help you get into the moment and cum more quickly.

Second question, that's pretty normal. Few relationships have two people who are equally in charge making an equal number of decisions. In broad strokes, most have one partner that is more comfortable making the everyday decisions, and the other who finds it more comfortable to not have to worry about them. I don't really have any book recommendation or revelation as to why you feel this way, I just want to point out it's a normal way to feel.

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hoobajoo
Jun 2, 2004

ZenVulgarity posted:

:stonk:

Noooooooo no dog sex. He's just sleeping in the crate next to us and we're worried if it might effect him in some way (he also wakes up from rustling around the house with people walking around too loudly).

It won't warp his dog psychology if that's what you're worried about. I always put my dogs out of the room as pups when I had sex, and now they learned to leave the room by themselves.

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