quote:

Schneider
Block leave is the poo poo. Merry Christmas Marines, etc etc. Anyway.

Duty sucks, gently caress duty.

This thread is now about funny or hosed up duty stories.

Once upon a Saturday night, I was touring my post as any squared away DNCO should do when I heard a noise, a very particular
noise, coming from one of my grandboot's rooms. His door was ajar and the noise coming from within sounded suspiciously like a
female getting smashed out. A FEMALE, WHO WAS NOT PROPERLY CHECKED IN WITH THE DUTY NCO, IN MY BARRACKS? gently caress. NO. Why do I
even care about this, you ask? I guess I'm just a prick. I guess it pisses me off that some dumbass 18 year old PFC is bringing
his little teenage tramps back to the barracks to smash them out while I'm walking around the barracks with a loving logbook
under my arm yelling at idiots to pick up their cigarette butts. Additionally, I didn't like this particular Marine.. he was kind of a turd and sucked at life and whined a lot.

My mind raced, scrambling to find the most absurd and offensive insults I could muster as I prepared to kick the door open and deliver
rear end-chewing to end all rear end chewings. My corfram came up and I spartan-kicked the door open, face twisted in fury, spittle flying as my
mouth formed the first syllable of what was to be the magnum opus of my asschewings.

What I beheld was not PFC Fuckknuckles simply loving some skank, oh no.

On one of the racks were four of my Marines going family style on some chubby unattractive blonde girl with a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure the balls touched.

I stopped in the doorway as my tiny TBI-ridden rifleman brain attempted to process the scene before me. They all stopped their frantic humping
for a moment and stared at me. I didn't know what to loving say at this point.. I mean, what can you say to that, really. I just asked if she
was of age and upon receiving a valid photo ID from the girl, muttered "very well, carry on" and continued my tour.

Booblord Zagat
Friend of mine kept getting zits on his cock when he was at the NTC in Irwin, right at the base where it isn't quite balls
but not yet schlong. He was doing everything to stop it, from using that St. Ives face scrub on it to cleaning it every day with hand
sanitizer, but poo poo kept happening. So one day he asks a Senior Chief Corpsman about it. The Chief has about three weeks left to serve
before he can retire with 24 years, so I guess he decided this would be his legacy.

He gets my buddy a box of those Biorre black head removal strips and tells him to wash his member and slap one of them on for a bit and
slowly take it off. It will get rid of his cock zit problem. Dude is desperate enough to try it, and even shaves his poo poo down with an
electric razor to eliminate the hair pulling.

Well as it turns out the skin on that special area is kinda stretchy, but still thin. When he goes to tear it off, it takes about maybe
3 square centimeters of unrealized boner with it. It was that kind of skin loss like you get when you scrape your knee he told me, where
you can see the last paper thin layer of skin sitting there, just seeping blood slowly but surely, said it was like a Saw film, but the evil
laughing he heard wasn't from a sickly old white dude, but a thick mustached skinny black guy.

He found out a week later he had genital warts, so he had spent the last few months trying to pop dick warts.


I had to buy 9 beers in a San Diego bar to get that whole story out of him. Best drat $80 I ever spent.

Interwebz RN
making GBS threads story aye aye sir!

So, my buddy is in the driver's seat of the Humvee and I'm the gunner up in the turret and we're rolling blacked out with NVG's on at the NTC as a QRF force
(HA! POG's as QRF!! some of these guys can barely shoot marksman on the range!) cause our bro's went to secure an HVI/HVT/HIV whatever roleplayer and got into
some massive shitstorm. In order to simulate real life we've been eating nothing but MRE's for like 10 days now (HA! more like contracting hosed up and forgot
to send the MIPR so we could eat in the chow hall) so when we were offered real loving food from the roleplayers we loving took it and ate it like the miserable
starved dirty animals we are. My buddy did this with a whole chicken picking the bones clean and guzzling tea a few hours before this mission was given. We're
halfway to the objective when I hear gently caress! JESUS loving CHRIST! poo poo! ASSS! loving! GODDAMNIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
followed by the most pitiful sobs I've ever heard from a man. This wakes up the VC and I hear a storm of the most creative curses followed by sobs and "IM SORRY SERGEANT!
IM SORRY! PLEASE DONT NJP ME!" I radio down to the VC using my MBITR and I get the following: "LCPL FUCKNUTS IS making GBS threads EVERYWHERE! OH MY loving GOD BOY WHAT DID YOU EAT??!?"
We pull off and radio our situation to everyone in the TOC and as the convoy stops and "pulls security" we can hear everyone laughing over the radios. We put on our
flashlights to inspect the damage expecting a Marine with poo poo stained pants. What we find is much worse. We were all gagging from the stench initially, some of
us had put on our gas masks inside the vehicle to block it out. What the lights revealed was far worse. There was liquid brown poo poo in the driver's seat stretching
from where your rear end is up the seat to about lower back area. Some of it was dripping or....slithering..or something..onto the floor. There were specks of it on the
radio, it covered the slave cables, the steering wheel, under the seat, some of it had dripped onto the Doc's boots since he sat directly behind the driver and
liked to sprawl or, somehow stretch his legs since he was a big dude. Anywhere the poo poo could have reached, it was. There was even lovely fingerprints on the windshield.
The stench was horrible, like a rotting animal who had been left in the sun for a month inside a quadcon with rotten eggs inside it with spoiled milk sprayed everywhere
with rotting garbage strewn about for good measure. A few guys (including the company gunny) vomited upon opening the door to the vehicle. He was forced to ride in it
to the objective, complete the mission, then RTB where he cleaned the vehicle interior from top to bottom. All night. Then he was allowed to shower and change out of the
poo poo encrusted pants.

And, just in time for Valentine's Day!

Schneider
Also re: faggotfuckbitchboot with his gay loving pictures and smooching.

What he doesn't realize is that the minute he deploys, a rift will open in the space time continuum and eldrich, forboding Lovecraftian dongs which have been slumbering
in dark space, long before man gained sentience, will emerge and descend upon his little lovely piece of teenage pussy. They will then penetrate all of her orifices in
ways he could never possibly imagine, leaving her pretty little pussy a bloody mess of hamburger and her anus hopelessly distended, flapping like the wind flags at the
200 yard line. After being frosted like a Krispy Kreme donut, she will drain his bank account and leave him for a hipster douchebag who is a "nice guy".

This is the fate of all PFC/LCpl girlfriends. If this happens when he is a Sgt. or above he will return home, kill her, Jodie and then himself.

Semper fidelis.

the dad farm
I like driving by cars in jville filled with creatures from your wildest nightmares. Then they pass by and i see "his boots, her flip flops, a perfect pair". I walk back
to my shithole of a barracks room and silently weep with the lights off while i jerk off to porn and listen to goodbye horses.

Anne Frank Fanfic
Whack shack duty. Night 134. At first I chased down individual whacker offers and had to threaten them with UCMJ. I thought they'd be scared straight so to speak. The next
few nights they got smarter, using cover and concealment to their advantage in order to blow their hot loads all over this Holy Shi`ite Land. Now I just make a racket by
rapping the side of the sheet metal wall with my rifle and watch as joes scamper from the whack shack, tripping over themselves with their trousers around their ankles and
cum spurting from their still rock hard dicks. Another three caught today, that's another three Field Grade Jacking Off Article 15s to begin tomorrow.

Life wasn't this hard when jacking off wasn't banned in the 'stan, I guess the General was tired of seeing his hot young virile studs wasting their seed on the ground of
this barren nation, he'd rather have the seed saved up and spread across the beautiful fields of amber grain in the good old U S of A. At first no one blamed him, how many
of us wouldn't rather be jacking off at home, cumming where we please? But there's an enemy here. An enemy that doesn't want anyone cumming, here in their homeland or elsewhere.
An enemy that stands against all erect dicks spurting justice from their swollen tips. An enemy that would sooner grab a jizzing dick at its hilt and sever it than allow us
to have one more ejaculation of freedom.

Honeyboy Bradley
I think I already told this story but it's fresh in my mind so here it goes again:

A few years back I was in Chicago for a while and made an OKCupid profile to score easy women off the internet. I started talking to an asian girl who didn't have any
clear pictures of herself on her dating profile. She was down to gently caress the Honeyboy after a night of seductive OKC messages so she gave me her number and address and I
drove down to get my freak on.

She lives in Boystown. For those who don't know where Boystown is, it's an area of Chicago where all the gays hang out. We were gonna go to a movie in Boystown's theater and
then back to her place for nasty interracial sex.

So I'm driving around Boystown by the movie theater and I see an asian girl standing on the street corner. I'm like 'oh gently caress thats gotta be her' because she had the same body
type as the girl's OKC profile. So I slow down in my car and wave at her through the front window. She sees me and comes up to my driver's side window and that's when I see
it's a loving man.

Like he had a five o'clock shadow and everything. He looked like Mr. Miyagi with a wig on. So I didn't ask any loving questions I just got out of my car and started beating
his rear end. Like I went full Tekken combo on this decadent son of Sodom. Then I spit on him and got back in my car and started driving home.

A few minutes later she starts calling my cell and I pick up because I'm ready to talk mad poo poo to this tranny that tried to trick me into going on a date with him. But it
was a woman's voice saying 'Where the gently caress are you? You're fifteen minutes late.'

'Uh, is this not just the person I just met?'

'No? What the gently caress I'm still waiting outside the theater'

And that's when I realized I had unwittingly beat up a tranny prostitute. He probably saw me waving at him through my car window and thought I was a John. So I didn't go out
on the date that night I just drove home and jerked off. I still feel bad for doing that though. The prostitute was probably like 'Oh theres a John I'm gonna make some cash
tonight' but instead he got dropped.

blazeing w/ hitler
Sudden movement on the rooftops -- I zoomed in my M16A14 w/ A Cog and fired off a sick double tap on some insurgent wearing velcro shoes, his body sort of just went limp why
running & then fell off the roof onto the street lmao. Then I felt sick to by tummy, thinking wow, I just.. killed someone, but I ate a spoiled MRE earlier haha, killing people
is loving cool and Im never eading Jambalaya MRE again

Victor Vermis posted:

pretty sure that would tear a hole in the rape time continuum

Booblord Zagats posted:

I call God by his one true name.





Dearest William Tecumseh Sherman, hallow be thy name, thy march has come and your will be done on Atlanta as it was on Charlotte. Give us this day our daily bourbon and forgive us our sobriety as we forgive the barkeep who pours too slow. Lead us not to AA but deliver us to Jameson for that is the kingdom, the power amd the glory while the South is in embers. Amen

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

Thread title is misleading, the USAF is never cool.

iyaayas01 posted:

Not just Hellfires, Griffins too. And they poo poo them out the cargo ramp as well as one of the troop doors, which is hilarious to me.

Hekk posted:

Real Talk: Don't go to Hiroshima on August 6th...ever.

Mad Dragon posted:

anime

Rekinom posted:

Hey guys I just got an email alert abt this thread what's going on

samizdat posted:

What is the difference between these AF threads? What is going in the first post?

Cole posted:

What

Bolow posted:

I thought we merged them so we could combine all of the lovely threads into one large poo poo thread before we were all gassed

samizdat posted:

So USMC SA are barnacles on SA cool Air Force in this thread?

Obama Africanus posted:

Pussy makes life worth living.

Or rear end/cock if that's your thing.

But point is, that release makes all of it worth it. Fuuuuuck.

When my dick stops working and even Viagra stops doing the job I'm shrugging off this mortal coil because the only thing that makes this gay earth worth being on is going animal style on some poorly kempt pussy who will call you daddy.

USMC503 posted:

Please tell me there was a part 2

Kung Fu Fist gently caress posted:

not in san diego when i was there

Hekk posted:

When I went through I got snagged to work the chow hall on the rifle range for a week. The hours were terrible but I used to steal cheesecakes from the freezer and hide in the women's bathroom and jerk off.

Bolow posted:

We should loving axe fixed wing poo poo that isn't the C-130 and just use more helicopters. There's literally no point in owning an F-18 fleet if you have to be based on land or navy poo poo.

iyaayas01 posted:

If there's a carrier around, there will be a CVW available, there's not gonna be much higher of a priority than protecting the ESG with a couple thousand Marines embarked (once they get to shore, that's a different story ).

If there's not a carrier...good luck employing any kind of Hornet, USMC or otherwise.

MassivelyBuckNegro posted:

A dude in my platoon poo poo his pants after Warriors Bfast because he was too pussy to tell the DIs. He probably ended up being a helicopter mechanic or something.

iyaayas01 posted:

Also thank your idiot leadership (looking at Amos here) for why you don't have Super Bugs and are still tooling around with those old decrepit legacy Hornets. They had the opportunity to procure Super Bugs but did the standard USMC Aviation temper tantrum of stomping their feet and refusing anything but F-35Bs. I'm pretty sure that there's a quote from a relatively senior USMC Aviation officer that verbatim says they would rather have second hand F/A-18Cs from the Navy to replace your Hornets that are hitting the literal end of their airframe life as opposed to getting new build SHs.

Because that makes sense.

MassivelyBuckNegro posted:

Oh no.

USMC503 posted:

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

That white trash bitch is gross hth

Mr. Nice! posted:

I'm sure you can google how to get a mail order bride.

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

I want to decapitate my old CO. he was an f-16 pilot.

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

I loving hate pilots. I hate officers. I want to kill everything.

MassivelyBuckNegro posted:

FYI, this word is extremely gay in this context.

Hekk posted:

Yeah rotor wash is no joke. I've been knocked flat on my face from a CASEVAC aircraft coming in too low. I thought one of my buddies was throwing me down or something but it was just the wind from the rotors.

Deicide posted:

Can i talk about how much civilians are terrible at their jobs in this thread or do I have to go to the vet thread

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

i dont get it, is his ejection port cover open?