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Oh man, that Bioshock story brings back memories. So much detail for so little an actual story. Speaking of clearly made up stories, can someone post the Hakanesque story about the guy who worked IT/security for a large amusement park? I don't want to give away details because it was absolutely amazing as it went on and on until the twist at the end. Everyone needs to read it. Edit: if it helps I remember the thread was titled "I'm going to quit my job in the best way possible" or something.
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May 11, 2014 15:54
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Nckdictator posted:Nah, that was JoeyVapes I think Hmmm, I guess not. The guy I'm thinking of had all these stories about how he was such a tough motherfucker, and they all seemed to end with him living out some kind of nerd-beating-up-jock fantasy. Thanks for the link, though. This dude's stories are crazy.
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May 11, 2014 21:33
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silencekit posted:Hmmm, I guess not. The guy I'm thinking of had all these stories about how he was such a tough motherfucker, and they all seemed to end with him living out some kind of nerd-beating-up-jock fantasy. Thanks for the link, though. This dude's stories are crazy. Angry Bee Dance. I don't have links unfortunately but that's the guy you want.
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May 11, 2014 21:44
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Psycho Mantits posted:This is an ancient example, but in case anyone hasn't read it, the Eddie Murphy "hit the floor" story: I recently had someone tell the "they passed around a joint to show everyone in DARE and there were three joints when it got back!!" Story from a first person point of view. It was really awkward because everyone has heard it. Like you, we didn't have the heart.
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May 11, 2014 22:41
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Nastyman posted:It's a fuckin' joke, it works better if I tell it in the first person. Variants of this have been going around since at least the 70s, when Bob Newhart had it happen in one episode. Here's something else that was said in a crummy rom-com. I think. quote:Has No Beef With A Breakup
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May 12, 2014 07:08
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Khazar-khum posted:Here's something else that was said in a crummy rom-com. I think. What the gently caress, it's not even an interesting story, it's so completely hum-drum that I could easily see it happening for real.
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May 12, 2014 07:43
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Well if I learned something from romcoms is that it's really hard for Americans to say "I love you" and it's a really big deal if they do. Real life is like the movies right?
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May 12, 2014 09:32
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Shai-Hulud posted:Well if I learned something from romcoms is that it's really hard for Americans to say "I love you" and it's a really big deal if they do. Real life is like the movies right? If movies are to be believed, in America marriage has 3 official steps, "I Love You", engagement and marriage itself. You must be super careful not to tell an American person you love them otherwise you are basically betrothed.
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May 12, 2014 09:50
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I love that one, it's like some kind of Bizarro Borat fan fiction. "I taught this wealthy foreigner about the American lifestyle firsthand, and he loved it. Sex and videogames, that's how we do."
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May 12, 2014 10:30
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Definitely didn't happen:
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May 12, 2014 12:58
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As long as we're rolling out the classics here, I figured I'd post the "mall ninja" story. I don't even think it originated on SA...the TL;DR version is that some guy posted to a firearms forum about requiring an absurd amount of lethal weaponry and body armour. When asked what he did for a living, he said that he was head of a three-man tactical security force for a local indoor shopping mall. This is a job that apparently requires carrying multiple glocks, trauma plate-enhanced armour, and ninja boots that let you climb walls. Supposedly, at the end the guy fessed up to make it all up as a way of parodying gun nuts, but who knows. I prefer to believe that the guy was totally serious. The whole chain of posts is here: http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ There's too much to dump into one post, but enjoy some of the starters: Gecko45 posted:
quote:One poster responded, ‘If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Needless to say, alot of folks started seriously wondering where this guy worked” Gecko45 posted:Thanks to everybody for the help. I am now thinking that the best thing to do is to have my wife make an “undervest” with pouches front and rear for the additional plates. This would let me have three plates in front (probably too hot and two in back. What I’m also asking her to do is to sew in a sleeve for an ASP collapsible baton. Right now I’m taping the ASP to my right calf (the left calf is where I have my G27).It’s okay for me to talk about my job, as long as I’m not specific. I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas. [And here the myth begins”] Although there are typically between fifteen and twenty normal security officers working the beat there, we decided a while ago that it would be best to have a specilized force for violent individuals. We use modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes.Naturally, the regular security people are unarmed. We “RTFers”, by arrangement with the local police, carry high-strength OC spray and batons. If we have a full tactical alert and permission from the local LEOs we also have a Mossberg 500 with less-lethal rounds and two K-frame Smith .38s loaded with 158gr. LRN.Basically, the situation is that we get the call, we lock up the situation, put everything five by five, and cordon the area until the local authorities arrive. We’re cops, we just don’t get the glory. [Somehow, I imagine the real police wouldn’t agree”]I am not permitted to carry Glocks on duty; however, when my wife picks me up from work I strap on the “Deadly Duo” of a 27 and 23, each with Bar-Sto .357 bbl.I am writing a proposal to replace our current Mossberg-Smith armament with the following: quote:At this point, bullshit alarms started going off, and people started calling him on it. Here’s his response: Gecko45 posted:I do not understand the “joke” or the “Rambo.” I am in a high-risk job. It is not the Mall of America, but Ill tell you what its no podunk mall either.I am a responsible citizen who has made the choice to carry at all times. I defend others. If something happens at the Mall then I would be the hero, not those of you who are making fun of me for no reason. Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.My REAL problem is that, like any LEO, I have enemies because of my job. They may have access to high-powered rifles. My job starts and ends at the same time every day. Although I use four rotating routes to drive to and from work, I am still vulnerable during the walk to and from my car. This is the time that I load up on the trauma plates because I DO NOT WANT TO BE SHOT DEAD!Also, someone said that my Tac Team doesn’t get training. Not true. We meet at the range every night and shoot 400 rounds each through weapons that closely resemble our duty setup. We also practice unarmed combat. I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. I don’t think any of you are working as hard as I am to be prepared. I asked a serious question about tactical armor and I wanted a serious response. If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God. Gecko45 posted:We were previuosly restricted to .38’s and two Mossberg 500’s with less leathel rounds in them, but when our team saved the life and possibly the virginity of the Mayor’s nephew, there was a special relaxation of the rules made for us, due to the factt that the nepheew(who will remain nameless to rpevent a scandal) was saved by us using weapons better than our issue setup, so now we have good funding for gear for our jobs, and we needed to find relaible SMG’s, but the HK’s just wouldn’t cut it. Gecko45 posted:It was a hostage situation that was hushed up. The SWAT prettyboys were overpowered by the Gap, and we Backup RTF’ers had to resume our roles, and basically put everything five by five. The takedown was actually applied with SW weapons, SW3’s. It happened a while agao, and there is no way you would know what city I am in, so I can reveal these details, lets just say that the Mayor had really deep pockets to keep all of this out of the news. People aren’t so holy and upstanding when you get out your checkbook, they start to “forget” stuff, at least that what I understood happened. Seventh Arrow has a new favorite as of 13:16 on May 12, 2014 |
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May 12, 2014 13:13
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Seventh Arrow posted:As long as we're rolling out the classics here, I figured I'd post the "mall ninja" story. This is like Tom Clancy fanfiction, it's beautiful.
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May 12, 2014 13:20
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Seventh Arrow posted:As long as we're rolling out the classics here, I figured I'd post the "mall ninja" story. I don't even think it originated on SA... A goon was behind it (Aquarium Gravel), but you're right, this unfolded on another forum entirely.
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May 12, 2014 13:34
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Didn't someone engage with him and start telling highly tactical stories of beating back an Asian gang trying to steal an arcade machine?
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May 12, 2014 14:37
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I must have more, that is glorious
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May 12, 2014 15:28
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Nuclear War posted:I must have more, that is glorious Unfortunately, all I know about this walking second amendment is contained at the link. Oddly enough, one of the funniest things for me - despite all the gun porn and armour fetishization - is the little thing about using "modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes." I just keep imagining some zealous bug-eyed mall cop on a scooter ploughing through all the dudes in line at Dairy Queen.
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May 12, 2014 16:06
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FrozenVent posted:Didn't someone engage with him and start telling highly tactical stories of beating back an Asian gang trying to steal an arcade machine? Yup, that was SpecOps. No idea if he was another goon in on it. SpecOps Schools Us About Arcade Security posted:It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my ’shadow’ were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn’t spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.
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May 12, 2014 16:12
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Mortal Kombat. Kombat.
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May 12, 2014 16:14
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ibntumart posted:Yup, that was SpecOps. No idea if he was another goon in on it. This poo poo is art. It didn't happen because this world isn't worthy enough for such epic adventures.
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May 12, 2014 16:15
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Rudager posted:What the gently caress, it's not even an interesting story, it's so completely hum-drum that I could easily see it happening for real. These "probably happened, just utterly dull" stories might be more sad to me than the obvious revenge fantasies.
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May 12, 2014 18:13
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eating only apples posted:Angry Bee Dance. I don't have links unfortunately but that's the guy you want. Terrific! I'll have to start digging immediately. If anybody saved these, for gently caress's sake please post them.
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May 12, 2014 20:19
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GAINING WEIGHT... posted:is that mandy goddamned patinkin I know this post is a couple of days old, but I didn't see a response to it. Yep, it's Mandy Patinkin, it's a scene from Dead Like Me. If you haven't seen it, you should. Bloody awesome show!
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May 13, 2014 09:50
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Seventh Arrow posted:As long as we're rolling out the classics here, I figured I'd post the "mall ninja" story. I don't even think it originated on SA...the TL;DR version is that some guy posted to a firearms forum about requiring an absurd amount of lethal weaponry and body armour. When asked what he did for a living, he said that he was head of a three-man tactical security force for a local indoor shopping mall. This is a job that apparently requires carrying multiple glocks, trauma plate-enhanced armour, and ninja boots that let you climb walls. Supposedly, at the end the guy fessed up to make it all up as a way of parodying gun nuts, but who knows. I prefer to believe that the guy was totally serious. My God...this is the most glorious thing. quote:Yeah Nancy, cry to the mods to kill the TRUTH. Just because you’re too much of a Sally to hear REAL men talk about REAL life experiences.
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May 14, 2014 08:53
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I just feel embarrassed for whoever wrote this:quote:I doubt many people are going to believe me, but here's the story anyway. I warn you now that this is pretty long.
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May 14, 2014 09:19
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That made me uncomfortable just reading it.
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May 14, 2014 10:59
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It was written by a goon, if I remember correctly.
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May 14, 2014 11:13
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I like how in every one of these, the guy is either too cool for school and doesn't even like alcohol, man. Or has super refined taste and only likes scotch on the rocks 
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May 14, 2014 11:53
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Magna Kaser posted:Or has super refined taste and only likes scotch on the rocks Jokes on them, refined taste means taking your scotch neat. 
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May 14, 2014 16:49
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Nth Doctor posted:Jokes on them, refined taste means taking your scotch neat. this but unironically. Ice and Whisky is disgusting and its wrong to do that!
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May 14, 2014 18:34
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A splash of water brings out the flavors and mellows the scotch, but ice kills flavor.
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May 14, 2014 18:39
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Whisky and steak are both improved with a huge dollop of tomato ketchup.
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May 14, 2014 20:06
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There's non-tomato ketchup?
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May 14, 2014 21:23
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ibntumart posted:There's non-tomato ketchup? Oyster and mushroom.
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May 14, 2014 21:30
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You're all missing the best part:quote:She offered me something to eat, but we got into the kitchen and she had all this weird Russian food, so I just asked her to get me a piece of wonderbread, that would be good enough.
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May 14, 2014 22:31
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Wonderbread is just bread, right?
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May 14, 2014 22:34
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sharktamer posted:Wonderbread is just bread, right? Yes, it's the whitest of white bread. It's such an absolutely bizarre inclusion.
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May 14, 2014 22:39
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Inspector_666 posted:Yes, it's the whitest of white bread. It's because it's a line in the song. "Samson went back to bed, Not much hair left on his head Ate a slice of Wonderbread and went right back to bed"
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May 14, 2014 23:26
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sharktamer posted:Wonderbread is just bread, right? It's widely regarded as low quality. It's generally marketed towards children who have bad taste in everything.
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May 14, 2014 23:31
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Marley Wants More posted:Oyster and mushroom. And banana. Can't forget the banana ketchup.
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May 15, 2014 00:12
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GAINING WEIGHT... posted:It's because it's a line in the song. Oh poo poo it must be true then. This reminds me of the time I met this nice man at a bar and told him how I killed a man. I remember telling him to carry on if I didn't go back there tomorrow. Apparently he was pretty famous too.
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May 15, 2014 00:32
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