shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Have some classics.

quote:

A treacherous, greedy catholic Patrician and Holy Roman Elector was teaching a class on Pope Innocent III, a known heretic.

�Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the Pope and accept that Catholicism is the one and only faith founded by Jesus Christ, even greater than Nestorianism!�

At this moment, a brave, Greek, Varangian soldier who had killed over 1500 Turks and understood the legitimacy of the Eastern Roman Empire and fully supported all its economic, social and military reforms stood up and held up a map of the Holy Land

"Who should own this land, Brutus?"

The arrogant Venetian smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied �The crusaders, you stupid heretic�

�Wrong. Its been over 2000 years since Alexander the Great conquered it. If it was not owned by Arabs, and Catholics, as you say, should own the land... then the crusaders should have conquered Jerusalem by now."

The Patrician was visibly shaken, and dropped his ducats and copy of the Roman Misal. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic catholic tears. The same tears catholics cry for �the Crusaders� (who today live in such luxury that most bathe daily). There is no doubt that at this point our Patrician, Enrico Dandolo, wished he had been Orthodox and supported the Komnenoi struggle against the Turks. He wished so much that he had the Imperial Sword to kill himself from embarrassment, but he himself had pawned it off to the Capetians!

The students applauded and all applied for Roman citizenship that day and accepted Manuel Komnenos as their Basileus. A double-headed eagle named �Byzantium� flew into the room and perched atop the Hagia Sophia and shed a tear on the chalk board. Epitaph of Seikilos was sung several times, and Constantine the Great himself showed up and converted all Catholics to Orthodoxy.

quote:

I was at a Halloween party Friday night that fluctuated from 25-40 people during the night. This is in a VERY conservative part of Florida, and basically everyone at this party except myself and my girlfriend is at the very low end of the socioeconomic scale, Wal-mart workers, Waffle House waitresses, etc. We are all sitting out in the backyard of my sister's place with a roaring fire and all the food and alcohol you could hope for and then some motherfucker has to bring up politics.

Can you imagine who these people are voting for? I think you can. So for the next two hours or so, I took on all comers, and won, constantly, every single time. With my trusty laptop computer I proceeded to prove every single bullshit claim about the Senator's policies wrong.

"He's going to take what I have and give it to others!" loving OWNED.
"He's going to destroy small businesses!" loving OWNED.
"He'll surrender in Iraq and lose all we've gained!" loving OWNED.
<just about any other policy question you can think of> loving OWNED.

And so, once they had exhausted all possible policy arguments against Senator Obama, it was time to pull out the racism and lies. But your humble correspondent was more than ready, and again it was time for people to get loving OWNED.

"He's a 'secret' Muslim!" loving OWNED.
"He's a communist!" loving OWNED.
"He's friends with terrorists!" loving OWNED.
"He changed his last name from Osama to Obama!" loving OWNED.

At long last, there was only one fellow still standing against me, a late 20s/early 30s Navy guy who had not dared to face me directly all night but who I had seen whispering poo poo to other people, who I then proceeded to loving destroy.

Now, I don't want to make too much of this, but I want you all to understand just how bad-rear end this scenario really is. For 2 hours, 2 solid hours, I've been standing in front of this flickering fire taking down all comers with calmness, dignity, and aplomb. I've convinced 10+ of these people to vote for their own and their country's loving self-interest this election instead of voting based on fear being sold by assholes. And now, at long last, their chief himself steps up.

I am not making this up. Every single person at this party is now looking at the two of us, and from the remaining McCain people there is a palpable air of "Oh, poo poo, our Navy guy is about to rip his poo poo up!" It's like the end of a Dragonball Z episode or something. This is what happens, nearly verbatim.

Navy Guy: "You're going to vote for a man who isn't even a loving AMERICAN!"
JS: "What do you mean?"
NG: "He wasn't even born in America! He had to renounce his American citizenship to go to his Muslim school in Indonesia! He's not even a citizen!"
JS: "First of all, you're wrong, and second of all, he was like 4 years old. You can't renounce your citizenship when you're 4 any more than you can sign a legally binding contract. But that doesn't matter, because Senator Barack Obama is an American who was born in Hawaii."
NG: "Aw, bullshit. Go ahead and vote for someone who's not even an American."
JS: "So, you are certain about this? That a serving United States Senator whose background has been investigated probably more thoroughly than any other man in the history of the entire world has somehow managed to hide the fact that he is not even an American citizen? Is that what you are saying?"
NG: "drat right."
JS: "And you are sure about this?"
NG: "One. Hundred. Percent."

I have you now.

JS: "Then let's put our money where our mouths are."
NG: >bright-eyed "confrontation grin" begins to crack< "What do you mean?"
JS: "Well, you've made a pretty vicious slander against Senator Obama, and you've claimed you are certain it is true. I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not. So how about this. If you aren't completely full of poo poo and just flat-out knowingly lying, let's make a bet on it. If you win, I will donate what we bet to Senator McCain's campaign. And if I win, you will donate what we bet to Senator Barack Obama."
NG: >grin is gone, I can smell panic< "Fine. How much?"
JS: "Two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars."
NG: >silence, looks around at the audience<
JS: >extends hand<
NG: "Well, now-"
JS: "Do you want to bet, or don't you? Because if you don't, I think it might be indicative that you are lying."
NG: >silence, sense of mounting panic<
JS: "I have my credit card with me and my computer, and I'm ready to put my money where my mouth is. How about it?"
NG: "Well, you know, you can get whatever you want to come up on that computer."
JS: "Does that mean you don't want to bet?"
NG: "I just know you'll cheat."
JS: "I'll let you look it up."
NG: "Bah, gently caress that, like I'd trust someone who'd vote for Obama."
JS: "Does that mean you don't want to bet?"
NG: >silence<
JS: "But you were so confident."
NG: >glares, looks down, looks around at people, LEAVES PARTY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD<

The best part of this story is what happens next. There was a group of 6 20-25ish kids there who work with my sister. As we silently watch Navy Guy take his walk of shame to his car, the "leader" of this little group indicates me and says, "Man, if that guy is voting for Obama, I am too," which is roundly huzzahed by his followers. I pretty much felt like Neo in the Matrix.

So, +17 for Obama Friday night in Florida. But even better, 2 solid hours of stomping bullshit into the ground culminating in seeing Emperor Bullshit exposed as having no clothes, after all.

I hope that dude drove home crying and punching his leg.

quote:

I hate those prisons. I truly hate them. I'm really sorry you had to go through what I went... I guess I'll share my story, and hopefuly I'll make some people realize that these camps are... more than evil.
As a kid I really denied any form of authority. I often harrased teachers, and the idea of a great man in the sky ruling over me was not only ridicoulous to me, but also hazardous... I came out to my (extremist) parents at the age of 14. They cried, threatened me, did everything they could to turn me back into a robot...
About 1 month after I came out, 3 men came into my house at night, and told me to stay quiet and walk with them. I tought it was a kidnapping, as most people who experience this...
I walked into the van, and they explained themselelves. I was shocked and filled with hate, but I knew I shouldn't do anything, the van was small and I couldn't defend myself.
My first day at that prison was horrible... everything I did was supervised, and also controlled. The only time I got some "privacy" was at night, 10 o'clock. After 1 week I just couldn't take the authority, and I was put in isolation. Two months. Two. ****ing. Months.
After the first month I began hearing voices in my head, and after another week, the voices formed into a big, strong voice... I only had one conversation with it.
Voice : "Escape."
Me : "How?"
Voice : "Strong. Then Kill."
After the last sentence I never heard it again. But it was enough. I knew my goal. At the time I had about 100 lbs... I was skinny, I didn't have force... I was helpless.
Every time I got out of isolation, I said "**** God.". All I did in isolation was exercise. I was so full of hate I didn't care about time... In there there was no natural light, just a little crack... I had no clock, so I would just look at the crack while exercising.. Everytime light started to get through the crack, meaning it was day, it was a great achievment. I felt.. great. Small things where all I had, so it was incredible... I exercised in there for 8 months... breaks of 20 minutes, exercises for 1 and a half. And repeat. Repeat. Repeat...
After 8 months, I finnaly got out... everyone was so surprised I didn't shout "**** God.".
For about 4 days I was heavily looked at by all the guards... that was the day I began the brainwashing. They thought the isolation broke me down. It only made me stronger.
Everytime I entered the brainwashing room I would see a broken window. The room was on the first floor, so I could get out without too much damage. But I was... nowhere. Nowhere meaning a forest. I could run, of course, but how long would the forest last? I didn't know. Forest was freedom. Freedom is good. So I got to get in the forest.
One day, instead of the 5 athletic guys that went with me to the room, there were only 2 janitors. I was so surprised... yet calm. I knew that was my day.
As I was approaching the window, I felt some adrenaline going up my spine...
I quickly headlocked one guy while kicking the other with one foot, and managed to pull a neck break on the headlocked guy.. I got ready, then jumped off the window. I fell, rolled, and managed to don't get hurt bad... I was running, running, running... I could hear some sounds, but I was so thrilled I didn't pay attention.. after about 4km running I finnaly stopped. I could feel freedom. It was... beautiful.
I heard a "****! Watch how you're driving, man!". My instinct moved me, and I approaced a yellow car...
"Please.. just.. let me come."
The guy looked at me surprised, then told me to get in. After about half an hour, when I recovered, he asked me my story, but I was still afraid. What if he would get me to the cops? What if he was one of them? I didn't know. I just said "No time to explain. Where are you going?". He said Florida.
I arrived in Florida at the age of 15. I'm 19 now, and I never spoke with my parents again, and will never do it. I truly hate them.
But the experience made me realize how important free will is. .. aaaaand I grew ****ing awesome muscles.
Thanks for reading so far ! I means a lot to me that I can share my story... it hurts even now, after 4 years.
TL;DR : It took me 1 year to escape but, it takes you only 5 minutes to read.
EDIT : Thanks for all your support guys! It's been 4 years since I escaped, so I had plenty of time to rebuild my life, and to find a job. I work right now as a Pentester, Programmer and a skater, which is more than I could have achieved while I was with my parents
Anyone here gonna share his story? I figured out we could make a little book out of them, and if we would really sue those prisons, every story counts!

quote:

This Troper gave a very nasty one that was merged with a Hannibal Lecture to a bully Jerk Jock type. It can be summed up as, "I really do pity you. . .or at least I try to. . . . You are just an empty fool who tries to erase his fear that he might not get a football scholarship by bullying those lesser than him. I continue these "geeky" behaviors because they let me form at least a core of my personality. You. . .you have nothing any more other than to try to fill your empty core up with the fear of others while watching that perfect six pack decay from one too many beers." He cried and ran away, having been emotionally dissected.

quote:

This anonymous troper took a level in badass between sixth and seventh grade. Sixth grade? I was teased, hated by pretty much everyone, driven to tears at times. You know, the usual. I did however plant the seeds for my upgrade. I was already tall, handsome, strong, and smart. So the next year comes around, and early on I'm already getting some form of respect. When I tried out for wrestling is when I really got noticed. Among my team, I was easily one of the best, even though I was just a rookie, I was good at other sports too, even though I didn't have time to try out for the teams, and I was aware that there were plenty girls crushing on me. I just didn't have time for them either. It went as far as people claiming that I could beat THEM in a fight. Black people. That's serious.

quote:

So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.

quote:

Though more a 'reader of tropes' than a 'troper', this troper just''had'' to share one of his experiences in Germany. He was stuck in one of the narrow stairwells at the Cathedral in Cologne, with hundreds of people packed in shoulder-to-shoulder above and below him. Nothing was moving, and everyone was grumbling - right up until the point where someone started in with "Hallelujah." The version from "Shrek."

He got about to the third line, when someone else joined in, and another, and another, and by the first refrain everyone in earshot was singing and smiling, their voices shaking the walls of the cathedral. The line began to move moments later, and everyone from the top of the tower to the base of the stairs sung their way down - and were met at the bottom by a solid line of strangers, twenty long and deep, cheering, applauding wildly, even crying. Folks from the stairwell rushed over and embraced family or friends that had been waiting for them, and the initial singer ended up being praised in about four different languages as he made his way to the door. This could also be a Crowning Moment Of Awesome, if read that way. Oh, and though I hope I hardly have to say it - I was the guy who started singing.

quote:

(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it�s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don�t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

Young Customer #1: �What is this? Why are those guys costumed?�

Me: �Oh, there�s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It�s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.�

Young Customer #1: *chuckles* �Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.�

Young Customer #2: �Total nerds.�

(Since there are no other free tables and they didn�t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

Young Customer #2: *waves at me* �Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!�

Halo Cosplayer: �Oh, I�m sorry, sir.� *to �Pikachu�* �Dude, not so loud. You�re bothering people.�

Pikachu Cosplayer: �What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.� *starts talking again, but much quieter*

Young Customer #3: �Yeah, that�s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!�

Young Customer #1: �Go back to the library, virgins!�

(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

Owner: �What seems to be the problem?�

Young Customer #1: �It�s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We�re not going to stay here and do nothing!�

Owner: �My staff told me the contrary, actually.�

Young Customer #3: �What?! That b***h waitress is lying!�

Owner: �Sir, I won�t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it�s you.�

(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)

Young Customer #1: �OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!�

Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* �I am vengeance. I am the night. I am� Batman.�

(The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it�s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!

# ¿ May 7, 2014 18:10

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# ¿ May 13, 2024 19:35

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

quote:

So I Went To An Exorcism Once

Yep, not even joking. I heard about it through the cosmic grape vein and invited myself to it. (read broke into the church it was happening at dressed as a priest)

They already had the woman bound to the chair by her wrists, elbows, chest, ankles, thighs, head, and neck, not to mention the three point harness on her chest. The chair looked to be made of pure iron, bolted to the cement floor. She was hooded and I could hear her crying.

�Please stop.� Fear in her voice. �I�ll do anything.� Her words are muffled by both the hood and the six priests muttering scripture.

�Be quite demon!� Holy water, nothing happens. �In the name of the lord i command thee!� Holy water, nothing happens again. �Leave this woman!� Water, nada. �Begone Satan!� Once again, zip.

�I�m not a demon!� Screamed very loud.

�She is right.� Me.

�What?� Head Priest turns to me.

�She isn�t a demon, there aren�t any demons. What you have here is a spirit who has taken up residence in a body that would have been unused. The child died in birth but came back because this beautiful being breathed life back into it.� Stares, priests stop muttering. �What you are doing now is trying to rip a soul from it�s body, it�s rightful body. My dear, childish fools, you yourselves are the demons.�

The woman has stopped crying. �Lullaby?� Hope full.

�Got your s.o.s. No fear kiddo, they wont hurt you no more.� What happened next can be summed up by something written ages ago:

�Darkness falls when a dragon rears it�s head.

True story, they never did another exorcism. Course that could have something to do with being�well�.use your imagination.

quote:

( I am not fishing for karma, I just want to share my story with all of you and help me understand what I just witnessed) I am in the military and can proudly say i'm an atheist in a foxhole. I am stationed near Nashville and where i live is a very religious community. I went to to Nashville for a car show but decided stay the night to try and get some action. Later that night i met an older woman (I'm in my mid 20s and i think she said she just turned 30) we began talking, hitting it off great. We got a cab to her hotel and things got heavy, i noticed a cross necklace but thought nothing of it, until she stopped and explained how she is still a virgin. I sat there and said ok and was about to get dressed to leave when told me how she only does anal to preserve her purity in god's eyes. I was in shock, i have never heard of this thought process and being curious i asked how only having anal sex keeps her pure. She said and i quote "only women of immoral behavior and temptress servants of the devil have vaginal sex without being married." And she continued with "sexual intercourse with the anus isn't in the Bible and will not offend our lord, and just to make sure i always pray for forgiveness after i indulge in my temptations." I was speechless, i didn't know what to say, so i got dressed and walked out.

Has anyone ever met someone like this, not so much as the sexual experience just meeting someone who translates there own beliefs into something to justify what they are doing?

quote:

Sit down folks and let me tell you a story on how I not only entered the friend-zone but I managed to escape. Now I wouldn�t say I�m a novice to the seduction methods around here, but I am far from being good at it as you will see.

This story starts off with your typical boy meets girl (whom I will refer to as Kate) story. I met Kate at a local book store while I was out and about. I believe I went in to buy the hard back copy of one of my favorite books or a cook book. That is not important. What is important is that I spied this beautiful little Asian girl with a copy of John Keats�s complete work tucked under her arm. I quickly worked my way over to her and opened her with a �Is that for school or are you looking for the right romantic words to say to me?� She laughed and told me that she liked his works and it had nothing to do with her Masters. I told her that he was one of my favorite poets and recited one of the verses from a poem he wrote from memory. The look on her face told me that I had performed the equivalent of bringing her to a raging orgasm while she was tripping on ecstasy. I quickly made an excuse to leave and handed her my phone while I went to purchase whatever I was buying. By the time I had finished with my purchase I had her phone number, e-mail , and name already programmed into my phone. She even dialed her phone to make sure I could return the favor.

Over the next few weeks we went out a few times, but each date was unique and a bag full of mixed signals. One date she was buying me drinks and grinding against me while we played pool; the next date she was acting as nervous as if I had told her that Chris Brown was my personal idol. What had made it worse is that I still could not K-close her. By the third date I had grown tired of the game and started to shut her out, which normally works on most girls but on this one just made her grow even more distant. I finally asked her what was wrong and she explained that she was considering taking a job across the country after she finished her courses at the end of the year. She didn�t want to be in a relationship and wouldn�t do anything intimate (including kiss) if she was going to move. After a bit of discussion she asked if I would be ok with just being friends. I stupidly agreed because I had fallen under her spell.

Fast forward a few weeks and we are hanging out regularly. With the exception of her not introducing me to her friends she has pretty much by all definitions become a regular facet in my life. Then one of my good friends (and wingmen) called me out on it. Damnit, I have become her platonic mate. This would not do. So over the next few weeks I became unavailable and stopped being the AFC. Then it happened. We went out to a local bar after a movie and while she was texting her sister I got up and started talking to another girl. I came back to this angry eyed, 5�2, ball of seething rage. How could I disrespect her by hitting on another girl and getting a # close in front of her. I calmly looked her in the eyes and smiled. �Kate you know how I like when you put on that angry face, but I need you to stop trying to seduce me. We are friends remember?� She glared at me a few moments and told me that it she didn�t think that I would be so callous about it. I just shrugged and told her next time I would leave her to get the number while she was around. The next day we hung out I had brought along my friend Rob (the same wingman) out with me to play pool. During one of the rounds I had struck up a conversation with waitress who was now slipping us free shots. Kate had now started to find little excuses to talk to me when she came around till I decided the CB needed to stop. I looked at her and asked her what she thought of the waitress. She immediately gave me negative ideas and tried to down play the girl�s looks and such. I asked Rob and he told me that maybe the free shots was to help her chances and not mine. I decided to play this to my advantage and told Kate she would be my wingman since Rob obviously was going to be too objective tonight. I then suggested we go approach another table of girls and get them to join our game. The look in her face told it all. This girl was good at playing her game, but telling her that I wanted other people to play with her toy was like asking her to put down old yeller. She begrudgingly went over and helped me successfully open the girls. Fellas, even at their worst women negate another women�s defenses. Soon both tables were playing and having fun. Here was two guys surrounded by a group of HB6s and 7s (Kate still being a 9). Kate left after two rounds stating she needed to work on a paper for school.

Several days go by and we don�t talk and I go on with my life. Then the other day she calls me up and asks me what I�m doing. I told her I am cooking dinner and asks if she wants to join me. Even though she lives about an hour away via public transportation she got a taxi and was over at my place in 30 minutes. We sat down and had a nice dinner and decided to watch some TV. Without asking, she starts to massage my neck and offering to give me a rub down I wouldn�t forget. I agree and we reposition so that she can straddle me to work on my back. After about 5 minutes I start feeling her lips on the back of my neck. I jokingly remind her that this isn�t a massage I normally let my friends give me. To my surprise she stopped and collapsed on top of me and try to make out with me. It was the most awkward thing that I have ever seen anyone try to do and I immediately started to laugh at her. She then told me trying to be my friend was the worst decision she ever made and desperately wanted another chance to be more. To paraphrase her �Being your friend was the hardest thing I�ve ever had to do. I was fine with it at first but watching you hit on other girls and have fun with them made me realize what I wanted and couldn�t have�. Other words were said, but honestly I don�t remember. We ended up with an Fclose that night with another session scheduled for tomorrow.

So the lesson I have learned is this. If a woman friend-zones you, turn them into your friend. Treat them like one of the guys and ask them to wing with you. The worst thing that can happen is that they turn out to be a bad wingman and you have to spend time training them. The best that can happen is what happened to me.

TL/DR: Met a girl. Ended up being Friend-zoned. Forced girl to experience what it is like to be friend. She came back begging to be more.

quote:

When I was in about 2nd grade or so, my parents sent me to this bible camp. It was what you would expect, my parents would drop me off every day, I'd get into my group, and we'd sing bible songs and do activities. My experience was made worse by the presence of tweedle-bitch and tweedle-oval office, two sisters with high pony tails and unwavering fake smiles. Our group counselor was this old guy who saw through their bullshit though, he made everything slightly less lovely for me.

Our tale begins out on the front lawn on day 2 or 3 of camp, and I hadn't attracted the attention of the tweedles quite yet. We were playing ball or something as an entire camp, but tons of people were on the sidelines being bored, including me. Thankfully I had a piece of blue string tied to a stick to entertain me, I think I was pretending it was a magic wand.

Now before we continue, does anyone else remember some obsession with annoyance when we were kids? Like, calling people annoying, purposefully trying to annoy people, crazy frog, etc.

Anyways, tweedle-bitch comes up to me and just stands there. She seemed transfixed by my string. She suddenly started to get angry.

Bitch: Stop it! That string is annoying meeeeee!

Me: Why?

Bitch: It just iiiiiiiss! Stop it or I'm telling the counselor!!!

Me: I want to play with my string, why don't you just go away?

At this point she grabbed my string violently from my hands, steppes away from me and tries to break the string by pulling it apart. I freak out because I'm a stupid kid, and I hit her in the face, kinda slap-like, I don't really remember.

Bitch instantly turns on the water works.

Bitch: You're in trouble! I'm telling!!!

She dropped the string and runs to our counselor sobbing. I was scared shitless that I would be punished or something. I'm sitting there watching her tell on me, and bro counselor must have seen the whole thing or he didn't give a poo poo, because he dismissed her without punishing me. She walks back to the field a little ways away from me and gave me a death glare. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, like I gave a poo poo.

After this, tweedle-bitch and her sister wanted blood. A day or two later I was making macaroni pictures with some other kids when the tweedles walk in and start talking to me. They had been at some other activity or something.

Bitch: Hey Prune! We want to show you something!

Me: Ok.... What is it?

oval office: It's a surprise... ;3

I hesitantly follow the tweedles out into the hallway, down a couple corridors and off to the quiet part of the building, where a fat boy was waiting. He proceeded to give me a pedo smile (or as pedo as a 2nd grader can get anyway)...

Me: stops a good 10 feet away ...who's this...

oval office: This is [insert generic henchman name here], we wanted you to meet him

Me: Backing away Nope Nope Nope I want to live today please thank you... Runs back to crafts room

Little me thought they summoned him to beat me up. It's possible looking back that I had a secret admirer and the tweedles were just setting him up on a date.... but judging by their actions in the next part of the story, it seems unlikely.

At the end of the week or so of bible camp, there was going to be a carnival put together mostly by counselors, but the day before we helped out by painting signs and such. The tweedles came up to talk to me during free time the next day.

Bitch: Hey Prune! We want you to come meet our grandma!!!

Me: I don't know, I don't really want to follow you again...

oval office: Oh come on! We promise she's nice!

Me: Am I in trouble?

oval office: Noooo, we just want to show you our grandma! :3

Me: follows suspiciously

Apparently their grandma volunteered for the church, she was working the donations table or something.

Me: Hi tweedle-grandma! I'm Prune!

Tweedle-Gran: Yeah, I know you, you're the girl who beat up my sweet Tweedle-bitch.

Me: blank stare

Tweedle-Gran: How dare you! Hitting is unacceptable!!!

Me: But... Bitch tried to break my string... And I only hit her once...

Tweedle-Gran: UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Me: Maybe if I try hard enough, I could use the powers of darkness to turn into a bat and fly away

I don't really remember how it ended, but I was crying and she eventually dismissed me. I was mad at the tweedles though.

Me: Why did you lie to me? You said I wasn't in trouble?

Bitch: That's what you get for hitting me! You deserve it!

Our story ends on carnival day. My dad came to pick me up, but some how he ran into Tweedle-grandma before he found me. He was pissed, and grabbed my by the arm and pulled me to the car. He was super embarrassed by what I "did". I'm not sure what she told him, but it was probably something like I beat up her innocent grand kids several times. My counselor say me on the way out, his face was kinda confused.

In the car on the way home I got berated for a while, I was sobbing, I eventually explained that I only hit her once, and it was after she tried to break my string. He got less pissed, and I told him about how they lured me into the hall with a scary boy, and lied about their grandma so I could get scolded by her.

Everything was ok after that, and I never went back to that camp.

TLDR: Bitches better not gently caress with my string

quote:

Two women behind me in the lunch line today were having a typical xtian discussion about gay marriage and how they didn't think it was "right". When they got into the pedophilia angle, I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and turned around. I remarked "There are a lot of people who think that gays should be allowed to marry. I'm one of them."

The women both looked surprised that anyone would say such a thing, and one of them replied, "Does your church doctrine agree with that?" So I responded, "I don't go to church, I'm an atheist." (this is the bible belt by the way, and I'm not generally "out" as an atheist here for reasons that are obvious).

She made a moue of disgust, and the other woman then chimed in with "Well, there aren't many atheists in the USA, it's not like your opinion really counts!"

That's when my mouth got ahead of my brain, and I shot back "I see you're of African-American descent. The percentage of unbelievers in the USA is about the same as the percentage of African-Americans here. Does that fact make your opinion not really count as well?"

Then my lunch order was handed to me, and I walked off with them staring daggers at me. We'll see if there's any fallout...

quote:

Once in America I was working on my car outside when these 3 kids started walking towards me menacingly. Before I knew It I was getting jumped... but then my best friend who is for lack of a better word huge grabbed 2 of them by the neck and threw them towards the grass then punched the third in the head. Then we kicked their asses pretty bad until their parents came out and called us atheist monsters how could we fight children. They were 16-17... no cops where called.

Later we found out their parents where having a bbq and saw me working on my car and started saying how I was an atheist. Then after a few beers told their kids to go beat me up. AMERICA!

funny point my friend is not an atheist, after the fight he said "see bro god is good he gave me a sign to come earlier so I can have your back"

# ¿ May 8, 2014 16:31

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Seventh Arrow posted:

It was in the previous thread, I know that for sure.

"cosmic grape vein"

Yeah, that's where I found it.

quote:

My close encounter with the jew kind was in Finland, where I lived and studied the Finnish language, worked on boats and shoveled snow off of roofs in the winter. My girlfriends dad let me shoot his mosin hunting rifle out back in the woods, and I thought I would make a video of it, since it was my first time shooting. I put the video on youtube and I thought it wasn�t a problem.

Meanwhile I was posting links on my facebook page to world war 2 history and facts about the Bolshevik communist death camps, and christian casualties. I posted a blog about Jews and their genetics and how they are a diabolical race along with their negroid pawns, particularly in America where I come from.
A couple of weeks later FIVE FINNISH POLICE OFFICERS WITH BULLET PROOF VESTS, GUNS AND POLICE TRUCKS showed up at my girlfriends fathers house where I was staying and took my laptop, took me by the wrist, and threw me in the back of the truck without telling me or anyone else why, which is totally illegal.

When I got to the police station I was thrown in a jail cell and told the investigator would speak with me �I don�t know when, but today.�
A DAY WENT BY and still no investigator. I had no idea if I was being charged for some murder that I didn�t commit, or who knows. I went a day and a half without food OR water. And finally somebody came in with breakfast and said the investigator will come in shortly this morning. LATER THAT NIGHT the investigator finally came in and told me why I was there.

�You are being charged with incitement of hatred against an ethnic group. But we brought you in for shooting without a license. I will talk to you shortly, would you like to go outside and walk around?� I said yes and went towards the door, and an officer said �not right now, later.� and slammed the door on me. I never did go outside.

THIS IS ALL TRUE. About 3 hours later the investigator told me to follow him and I was interviewed, fingerprinted, photoed and set free. He said It�s up to the prosecutor what happens next.

GUESS WHO THE PROSECUTOR WAS?????????????????????????????????? BIG MYSTERY

A JEW WHO HAS BEEN READING EVERYTHING I POST ON FACEBOOK AND INTERPALS.NET FOR YEARS. HE WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO LOCK UP AN INTELLIGENT WHITE MAN WITH INHIBITIONS AND A SPINE.

My human rights were violated in a way that is absolutely dispicable. These people are so incredibly dirty.

When I told on facebook how I was jailed for pretty much no reason and starved and mentally abused, the jew actually had the nerve to write under it saying �oh the police in jyvaskyla did that? that�s terrible.� That was before I knew he was the prosecutor. He was using his dirty jew tricks to keep himself in my circle to monitor me for a few more years. Trash.

I don�t want to share my real name online anymore because of what happened, but I am a 19 year old young man, English, German and Irish ancestry, son of a genious LED inventor, and I have an IQ of 130.
Thank you for reading my jew experiance, which I have never shared with anyone except for my girlfriend, Long live the white mind!

quote:

I stopped taking showers every day. I have stopped the religious scrubbing of my masculine body scent with the artificial chemical you call soap. Since then, my success with women has increased 400%. My intoxicating pheremones now fill the air around me, attracting women who long for a rugged, natural man.
It all happened by accident. I found out that I can gain an extra 15 minutes of sleep by skipping the morning shower. It�s not so much that I need an extra 15 minutes of sleep, but now instead of getting up at 8:45am I can get up at 9am, a number that pleases me psychologically. There is one major downside: in the morning it looks like there are small animals living in my hair. But by lunchtime it settles down once the grease starts kicking in. Many girls ask me what product I put in my hair when they are really just staring at scalp grease. (It really builds up in the middle, but that�s probably because I only use conditioner. Shampoo is for the devil).

quote:

(I�m walking around the store seeing if any shoppers need help.)

Me: �Excuse me, sir, are you finding everything all right today?�

Customer: *turning* �Oh, what the f*** is this?�

Me: �Um� what is what?�

Customer: �I haven�t been helped by a single American since I got here. Are you people even hiring whites?�

(Our town has a regrettably accurate reputation for being somewhat racist. Customers often ignore non-white employees or refuse their aid. I�m of Indian descent, but was born and raised a few miles away in Phoenix.)

Me: �Sir, all our employees are American citizens. If you don�t need help, though, I�ll just go.�

Customer: �Hang on, where�s your manager�s office?�

(I point.)

Customer: �Good!�

(Without warning, he grabs my arm and drags me forcefully to the office. He pushes it open without knocking.)

Customer: �You need to arrest this man! He�s an illegal!�

(My manager turns in her chair. She�s got light brown skin, and is often mistaken for Hispanic.)

Manager: �Sir, I know for a fact [my name] is a citizen. And you need to take your hands off him right now.�

Customer: *not letting go* �Oh my God! They�ve got a Mexican in charge. No wonder you don�t hire whites!�

Manager: �Sir, more than half of my employees are white. Now let [my name] go or I will call the police.�

Customer: �Are you threatening me? I�m a real American, you can�t threaten me!�

(At this he pulls out a Swiss Army knife and points it at her.)

Manager: �No, I�m not. Would you like me to?�

(Without warning, she draws a knife of her own from nowhere and slams it point-first into the desk.)

Manager: �That�s one. I�m carrying nine. Let him go.�

(The customer goes pale and releases both my arm and the knife.)

Manager: �Thank you.�

(Instead of letting him go, my manager locked him in the office and called the police, who came and arrested him for assault and threatening with a weapon. As they were leading him out, my manager stopped him for a moment.)

Manager: �And by the way, I�m not Hispanic, I�m Romani. If you�re going to be a racist, at least learn the difference.�

quote:

I�m plenty smooth when meeting women, but I tend to avoid it, as the settings when these opportunities arise aren�t my cup of tea anymore. This has been the most fruitful one though, and it happened recently.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a media seminar at a hotel, after which I decided to grab a few drinks at the bar. As I order my second drink (scotch, neat) this classy, pretty lady to my right jokingly says to the bartender �Are you sure he�s old enough to drink? (pointing at me). That�s a mighty fine drink for someone who doesn�t seem to have enough years on him to need it.�

So being drunk with confidence (that�s right), I responded: �I�m old enough to know what I like, and that you wouldn�t make the joke if you weren�t the least bit interested in me.�

She then said, with a somewhat somber tone in her voice: �Even if that were the case, I�m probably 10 years older than you. I��

�I can also assume that you�re either intimidated by me or too afraid of social stigmas to be upfront about it,� I replied. �So let me make it easier on you. Another vodka soda and some company?� She said �I�d love that.�

We kept drinking for two hours before she invited me back to her place. Turned out that she�s almost exactly 10 years older than me (I�m 24). Naturally, I paid the huge bill (hotel bars, am I right?) and we hailed a cab.

It was at this point that I found out she�s an accountant and owns her own condo. She�s pretty well-off, to say the least. Despite the drinking though, she was a bit nervous about the whole thing. She said she always wanted to approach a younger guy but she was too intimidated by our bravado. Once I assured her there were plenty of us interested in older women, the night went by like a freakin� dream. The following morning she she even cooked me breakfast and drove me home.

We�ve been on six dates since, and she refuses to let me pay a single dime. She repeatedly says �You graduated college recently. You have better things to spend your money on than a woman who�s already giving you what you want and who already has what she wants.�

So by being a smug bastard with an older woman, I�m now dating an amazing person who happens to be loaded and spoils me with fancy dinners, concerts, and good sex.

Yes, I know what you�re thinking: �Is this real life?� I ask myself that drat question every day I see her, but it is, and it�s loving glorious. Some have implied I�m just a boy toy for her. I�m ok with that.

EDIT: TL;DR: Being smug while drunk with confidence nabbed me a glorious relationship with a beautiful, wealthy woman who�s 10 years older than I.

quote:

(We�ve just hired a new bartender, and he�s on a training shift with me. About an hour into his shift, I notice something a little odd: he is completely ignoring any requests from female customers as if they aren�t even there and is only serving male customers. On this night, my neighbor is at the bar as she is giving me a ride home while my car is in the shop.)

My Neighbor: *to the new bartender* �Hi there. Can I get��

(The new bartender makes a shooing motion with his hand at my neighbor and speaks to the male customer next to her.)

New Bartender: �What can I get you sir?�

(The male customer looks at her, then at the new bartender.)

Male Customer: �Actually, I think the lady was here first.�

New Bartender: �Well, I don�t take orders from women. Women have no right to speak in the presence of a man, and they should learn their place, not be out in bars. This is a man�s land.�

Male Customer: *shocked* �Um� I think I�ll wait for the other bartender.�

My Neighbor: �Hi, excuse me��

New Bartender: �Silence, filth! You can�t talk to me!�

My Neighbor: �Actually, I can. And since you work here and it�s illegal for you to refuse service based on prejudice, you can either get me what I tell you to get me, or I can come and talk to [owner�s name] tomorrow night. Either way, you put your own nuts in the vice here, sweet pea.�

New Bartender: *turns paper white* �You know [owner�s name]?�

My Neighbor: �Yeah. And I might just come in and talk to him anyway since you apparently think it appropriate to be such a misogynistic heap of uselessness.�

Me: �Hey, [neighbor�s name]!� *I hug her* �I�m running a little late. We�re waiting for the closer to come in. She�s going to show him what the procedures are.�

New Bartender: *to me* �You know her?!

Me: �This is my neighbor. The one I told you was stopping by to give me a ride since my car was in the shop?�

(The new bartender knows he�s really screwed at this point, and tries buttering up my neighbor.)

New Bartender: *to my neighbor* �Hey, I�m� I�m r-really s-sorry, you� you ain�t gonna s-screw me with the owner are you?�

My Neighbor: *sips her drink* �Don�t hold your breath, sweet pea.�

quote:

Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get back to their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol� cross-burning.

So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they�d heard about, hoping to catch them dancing nekkid around a fire or something.

They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they�d scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.

They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, assorted knives, and more than one firearm. They�d crashed an Asatru blot and didn�t realize that not all Pagans are pacifists.

From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out �If that cross goes up, you�re getting nailed to it. I�ve got my hammer right here��

The Klansmen left in a bit of a hurry, it�s said.

quote:

Spartan hardware store

Customer: �Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!�

Cashier: �Sir, I already told you� we don�t have ANY hammers back here that aren�t already stocked on the shelves.�

Customer: �LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU�RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!�

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what�s going on; note that I�m the manager.)

Me: �Is there a problem?�

Customer: �Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!�

Me: �Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don�t have what you�re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check��

Customer: �F**K THAT!!! IT�S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!�

Me: �That�s it. Get out of my store.�

Customer: �What? NO!�

Me: �Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.�

Customer: �Then do it!�

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: �Now, then� you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?�

Customer: �No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!�

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* �� What is it?�

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: �Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!� *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

quote:

So� at the store this morning�

�Look at that rear end! Nice child-bearing hips!�

I looked at him, but said nothing. I looked at him like he was an office memo and turned away. He didn�t take kindly to that response.

�When someone compliments you, you say �Thank you.� and not be a bitch about it!�

Do I have an audience now? Yup. Okay. Time to play.

�When someone reduces my worth to if I�m gently caress-worthy or not, I don�t bother acknowledging that person as someone worth being social to.�

�I�m just trying to be nice, you loving bitch!�

�Then engage the intellect, and stop talking with your balls.� The women in the audience giggled. Some of the men hid their head to hide their mirth.

�gently caress you, bitch! You�re probably one of them dykes, anyway.�

�Sour grapes much? You can�t have the fruit, therefore it must be rotten? And if you define �dyke� as �women that refuse to have sex with you�, then I am the Dyke Queen, Empress of Lesbiania, with a Ph.D. in Dykeology. And you, are now excused from my class.�

I turned and went down the aisle of the grocery store. He started to come after me, viciously cursing as he did so, but a man stopped him and said, �I�m married to a �dyke�, and am the father of a �dyke�, and it is my duty to make sure the Queen of Dykes is not hosed with any further by a little pissant like you. I suggest you leave, before you find out how many other men are fond of �dykes� like her.�

He left. No one said anything directly to me about it. A woman did ask if I was lesbian, to which I answered, �Did it matter? Either way, he was off the menu.�. She smiled, nodded, and walked away.

I swear, I do not seek out controversy.

Nckdictator has a new favorite as of 22:04 on May 8, 2014

# ¿ May 8, 2014 21:32

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

quote:

At a bar one night, there was a group of terribly drunk douchebags across from me, clearly talking poo poo about me. I�m a decently sized man, but ignored them and kept talking with my group. Apparently I made a notion in their direction or did something they didn�t like so one of them stood up, got in range of me, and threw an empty bottle of vodka in my direction. I didn�t even think, and caught the bottle by the neck, and dropped it. Then I walked up to him, punched him in the jaw, and went back to my group. It was all a split-decision reaction. I didn�t even realized what fully happened until my friend�s explained it. It was pretty surreal.

quote:

I was trying to find a place in an unfamiliar part of town. I saw a guy walking, who turned out to be homeless, and asked if he happened to know. The conversation went something like this:

Me: �Excuse me, do you know where (whatever the bars name was) is?�

Homeless guy: �Depends on how much you�re payin.�

Me: �I dont have any cash on me.�

Homeless guy: �Then go gently caress yourself�

Me: �I�ll have the trash men pickup your lifeless body in the morning after you starve to death.�

quote:

My girlfriend is a Christian and occasionally volunteers as a youth leader at the methodist church she grew up in. She knows that I am atheist and is somewhat okay with it. I usually go along with her to spend time with the kids and help clean up the place after open gyms and other events. The kids, who are all around 13, look up to me as another one of their youth leaders.

During some of the meetups, she holds a devotion, which ends up being moral lesson sprinkled with bible verses and the usual Jesus/God/devil talks. I�m slightly uncomfortable during the devotions, so I usually just let my girlfriend do her lesson and stay out of the way.

Last night, we held a �lock-in� for them, where they can freely do whatever they want inside the church from 8PM-8AM with a few scheduled events and a devotion. Around 6AM, when my girlfriend went to bed, the kids were becoming bored and started asking me questions about my life. It quickly became about my religious beliefs. I decided that I was going to be completely honest with them.

Girl: �So, you must be a devout Christian, being a youth leader and a good person to us!�

Me: �Well, actually, no. I don�t believe in a God, I�m an atheist.�

I really surprised myself. If I ever have to tell someone, I usually start out by saying �well, I don�t know what I believe..� and ease my way into telling them that I don�t believe in a god, probably because the fear of rejection.

All of the kids were looking at each other now, surprised. I honestly wasn�t sure what to expect next, but within a minute, they were all asking me questions. Two or three of the kids hesitated to say that they really didn�t believe in a god either, and the remaining eight or so had a lot of questions to ask.

I went on to tell them why I believe the way I do, trying to think of a good comparison for their age group. I exclaimed how younger kids believed in Santa for the same reason adults believe in God, except rather than determining the quality of presents, it�s where you�re going after you die. We find out that Santa is fake, but even though we have the same amount of physical proof for God as we do Santa, adults still believe in God.

We continued to talk for another hour or so, until it was time to go. The kids were amazed and even one of them told me they felt like they�ve been brainwashed by religion. One of the younger girls told me that her father beat her if she ever questioned Christianity, so she walked out after a while, but still thanked me for all of the answers.

My girlfriend doesn�t know yet. Not sure how she�ll react if she finds out, but she most likely won�t be happy with me.

quote:

I have a few stories but I don�t feel like writing them all out in one big sextravaganza post so here�s a few bulletpoints

On the night I lost my virginity, I was told (in a surprised voice) that it was the best sex they�ve ever had, period.
Have turned a self-described dominatrix into a sub through no real effort of my own (�I can�t be your dom, you need to be my dom�)
Dated a girl whose hobbies were playing guitar, giving me head, and playing more guitar (in that order, and she played a lot of guitar)
Given a massage that ended in a happy ending that was a triple orgasm (�oh gently caress I�m gonna�>it�s happening!�>OH MY gently caress IT�S HAPPENING AGA�>AAAAAAAAAAA�)

My absolute favorite and proudest moment was when I found out through a friend that a girl I graduated with (who I had a huge crush on when I was a shy high-schooler) talked about how she used to be interested in me. I bumped into her, we talked for a while, clicked pretty well, made out in a car, drove to my place, had sex, agreed to be each other�s booty-calls every once in a while, and then she made a full breakfast. She�d apparently been going to cooking school, and fed me as congratulations for �A Job Very Well Done�

quote:

It gets weirder - June 6th, 2012 - the one night I drew the shortstraw and worked The Other nine-to-five. Midnight. We get a cult coming in. Not Scientology. Not Snuggie-Wearers-Club. A full blown satanic deathcult - blood-red hooded robes, non-visible faces, black candles, latin-sounding chanting, the works. In the middle of the group was a hobo, looking seriously out of it, and sticking out like a sore thumb. One person comes to the front of the group, takes out a notepad and golf pencil, flips it open, and starts asking everyone what they want. Big Mac meals, Quarter Cheeses, Nuggets, et cetera. The rest of them start chanting, draw a pentagram on the table in salt, place black candles at the points and corners, and move to light them.

I step in.

I, the lowly McDonald�s Janitor, with the biggest poo poo-eating-grin on my face, step in and say �Sorry, no lit flames inside�, and point to the no smoking sign. They all turn to me, all at once, creepily-syncronized (They must�ve practiced this), and I swear I could feel their death-stares. Meanwhile, the hobo is starting to freak the gently caress out, and starts asking about �the goods�, and tugging on robes. The cultists ignore him, as if he�s not even there, talking only to give Orderguy their order, then resuming their deathstare.

I chuckle quietly to myself. I am not intimidated by this. Not at all.

I continue on with my job, and resume pushing a mop around, all the way being followed by deathstares. The hobo is increasingly freaking the gently caress out, being ignored, and they keep staring at me. When I went back to my closet to re-wet the mop, they stared at me until I went out of line of sight, then I heard them resume chanting. When I emerge from my closet, they immediately stop chanting, and syncronized-turn to face me and resume deathstaring.

So, Orderguy comes back with a bunch of food, they all get their burgers n nuggets, and leave, all the while staring at me. One of them flashes a metal something at me on the way out, and given that they�re cultists, I�d bet that shift�s pay that it was a ceremonial dagger.

I never saw them again, and I never saw that hobo again either.

quote:

I had a duplex a few years back, when I moved in all I thought was SCORE!! My neighbors where so fuckin hot, perfect large tits, nice rear end, they were just gorgeous (it was summer and they were going to the beach to layout, so they were in their bikinis). But then that night, well it was 4am, I woke up to the loudest hardest sex noises I have ever heard! Just screaming and moaning, and it went on for over an hour! I had no idea where it was coming from because I was hearing it from out my bedroom window, I thought it was coming from the large apartment right across from me, and there were too many windows to know which one, so I tried falling back asleep and finally I did. Anyways, the next day I was downstairs watching TV and it started again� except this time my kitchen cupboard doors were shaking and rattling! I was like holy poo poo� this time it only lasted a few minutes, all I could think of was I have fuckin super hot girls for neighbors and I will gently caress these woman one of these days. This went on for about a month, except it was never as loud or as rough as that first night time I heard the sex(I always felt really awkward bringing it up�). Over time I kept getting more and more suspicious, because there was never any noise from the guy(s)� I never heard guys over, nothing� until one day I put my ear up to wall(yes creepy as gently caress and I even felt weird doing it)� My two fuckin hot rear end neighbors were lesbians and loving their brains out just constantly! I thought it was kinda cool, but I thought about it and got annoyed about the whole situation� why in the world are there two sexy woman loving each other? They should be loving men(well, me), so I got a plan(to at least quiet them)� Being from Minnesota, we are all passive aggressive as gently caress, so I waited until they started having loud rough sex again� and I cranked my nice surround system up to near max� I was not playing music though, I was playing a recording of monkeys or gorillas( i don�t know what kind of fuckin primates they were), it was one of those recording of a monkey turf war, so it was just loud monkey noises� I did this until they stopped� then when they started again I played it again� this happened 2-3 times� never again did I hear them have sex.

Then a month later those pretentious fucks told my landlord on me because I had loud sex one night I brought a chick home from the bar and hosed her brains out�

quote:

Another time, I was serving a psychotic feminazi. I�m talking about the bra-less, arm-full-of-hair, moustache- toting superiority complexing nitwit who makes everybody wish for her swift and painful death. Anyways as soon as I started serving her she gave me crap because I�m a bloke. I just ignored her and zoned out a bit while she proceeded to remind me that a woman would do a better job than me.

Suddenly, the phone next to me rings. I pick it up and it�s the service manager.

Feminazi: Pfft, probably your manager telling you that you�re fired
Me: Hello?
SM: You do realise you have the right to refuse service to anybody?
Me: Do we now?
SM: Yeah. Oh I do mean anybody by the way. Such as a giant hermaphrodite that insults male employees for being male.
Me: *nods in a business-like manner, trying not to grin*. Okay thanks. I�ll keep that in mind.

Now I was good. I didn�t immediately tell her to go gently caress a dick instantly. I waited untill the next insult. Whether or not I sped up the process by �accidentally� pressing the wrong button is irrelevant!

Feminazi: AGAIN! You FOOL. Cant men do ANYTHING right?
Me: That�s it.
*voids transaction
Me: I�ve voided your transaction and I�ve been given permission to give you the royal boot. Get the hell outta my store.
Feminazi: You cant do that!
Me: Well�I cant physically throw you out. But that�s why I�ve got security to do such things for me.
Feminazi: You wouldn�t dare.
Me:
*calls for security to remove an unruly customer
Feminazi (whilst hurrying out the door): I�ll never shop here again!
Me (calling out to it): I�m counting on it.

I love it so much when we can get our own back.

AGAIN! You FOOL. Cant men do ANYTHING right?

Nckdictator has a new favorite as of 02:33 on May 9, 2014

# ¿ May 9, 2014 02:30

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Somehow I forgot this one

quote:

Stupid loving broads. All of this time I�ve been looking for a job and guess what�it�s because I�m not attractive enough for these vapid cunts. Also, female dominated HR departments? Are there any other kind? In my old job the skirts in HR were on coffee break AT LEAST 3 times a day meanwhile I was working my rear end off. I guess I have to tolerate them since I can�t imagine any broad working in finance with scary fractions and graphs!

The funny thing is that I�m the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can�t get a job OR a date.

Fake but made me chuckle

quote:

There I was at the park, playing Magic with some friends, when suddenly a wild gaggle of sporting jocks stumbled out of the local sports bar with their sorority skanks and started walking over. They said we were a bunch of silly nerds, and started to try and beat us up. Camly, I stood up and informed them I was a 9th level black belt, and whilst they wasted their high school years throwing a ball around and chasing skanks, I had hone my mind and body into a weapon capable of great destruction. I then challenged them to a battle of wits, a debate over Newtonian physics and relativity. Theory. Needless to say, their brows furrowed in anger, but they walked away. Everyone started clapping, and their women left them to tell me how brave I was. All my headmates cheered.

quote:

(There is a large anime convention at our hotel. During these conventions, many guests dress up as their favorite characters. Some even go all-out and will wear body paint or mascot suits, carry fake weapons, etc. Even during these conventions, non-convention goers stay in the hotel. I am working the front desk and am approached by a very angry guest.)

Me: �How may I help you today?�

Guest: �Kick these d***ed freaks out of this hotel! They�re disturbing my children!�

Me: �I�m very sorry, ma�am. The event is already going on, and all of these people have paid to attend.�

Guest: �They�re disturbing my children! They have weapons! They�re dangerous freaks!�

Me: �We wouldn�t allow real weapons on the convention floor. All weapons have been checked, and all of them are props. I can assure you that no one here will harm your children with their weapons.�

Guest: �You�re lying! You�re just covering up for this� cult! It�s a cult of dangerous freaks with weapons!�

Me: �Ma�am, there is no cult activity.�

Guest: �If it�s not a cult, then why are they painted grey? And why are they wearing devil horns? They�re the headmasters of the cult!� *motions to a nearby group in costume*

Me: �They�re in costumes. This is an anime convention. Many people dress up in costumes. That group is dressed up as characters from [popular webcomic]. They�re not a cult.�

Guest: �You�re lying! They�re a devil-worshipping cult! They�re going to wait until midnight, then sacrifice all the virgins to Satan!�

Me: �Actually, the only thing happening at midnight tonight is the convention�s dance.�

Guest: �A dance with the devil! You even admitted it! They�re a cult of devil-worshippers!�

Me: �I never said that.�

Guest: �And them, over there! In the animal costumes!� *motions to a group of people in mascot suits* �They�re going to perform strange sex acts on innocent people at the cult meeting tonight! How dare you let this happen?!�

Me: �Ma�am, if you would listen to me��

(There is now a long line of people waiting to be helped behind her, most of whom look upset with the way this guest is talking.)

Guest: *turns around to the people in line* �Don�t check into this hotel! They let crazy cults of devil-worshippers bring weapons in to sacrifice virgins and then have sex!� *runs off*

Next Guest in line: ��Heh. Normal people are funny. Can I please have some extra towels?�

quote:

Walking up to the polling location, I passed several people who were passing out literature just outside of the 100 foot restricted area. Most of them were republican supporters. I kindly denied the lit. saying I already knew who I was voting for. One older guy in his mid 40�s was holding a handful of pamphlets for McCain/Palin and started to offer one to me. He must have noticed the shirt I was wearing because he quickly withdrew his offer and gave me a rude look.

On the way out I passed him again with a big smile on my face. He said �Didn�t your parents teach you about being an American?� as I walked past him. I turned around and smiled at him and wished him the best of luck. As I did this a group of about 10 people standing off to the side cheered and applauded as I unzipped my hoodie and showed off my Obama shirt.

Still a classic

quote:

I saw Ghostrider with a bunch of my friends on opening night just to heckle it. We even held a contest to see who could throw out the best heckle.

Apparently my friend had the same exact idea as me because as soon as Ghostrider first appeared we yelled out �HOW�D IT GET BURNED?� in our best Wicker Man impressions. The audience loving lost it and the rest of the movie turned into a MSTK riff fest.

quote:

My school had its annual blood drive, So I donated blood today and I got a free t-shirt. My school is always so fricken cold do I put my new t shirt over my shirt I was wearing at the time. Most of the people that know me don�t know I�m an atheist, because they don�t go around telling me they�re Christians or whatever so I don�t piss them off unnecessarily. So anyway I went back to class and I sit next to the biggest fundie I know, her name is lady ( not really but you know she probably didn�t want me to put this on the internet. ) however she is one of the rare people that I�ve told I�m an atheist, so when she saw me wearing my �I donated blood� shirt this conversation happened. Lady: I thought you were an atheists. Me: I am, what of it? Lady: you donated blood. Me: and? Lady: my parents said that atheists are evil and give nothing and don�t donate blood or money to charity. Me: that�s untrue. I give money all the time even to religious charities. ( I do rarely though mostly non religious ones) Lady: but� Me: but what. Lady: but� ( at this point she turns away from me kinda teary eyed, then five minuets later she turns back and says) Lady: I hope they lose your blood. I didn�t know what to say, I thought Christians were supposed to be friendly and all to people who donate.

quote:

Where i work we�re right on the shore of the bay, and theres a pile of rocks outside of a fence to where our cooling water pumps take suction. A woman from a cost-cutting consultant firm wanted to climb down the rocks to get a better view of the pump suction (how this would cut costs is beyond me, so i can only assume for curiosity). My father (who also works where i do) was touring her around the plant.

When she started to go, dad stopped her and said �i wouldnt go down there if i were you� and she started to go off on him about �What is it because im ma woman? that�s sexist! derpderpderp�etc� now dad�s not the type to take any bullshit. he said: �Listen. im stopping you because if you slip and fall in the water, or a rock slips from under you, I, nor will anyone here jump in there to come get you. Everyone who works here knows that it�s dangerous, and respects that. If you accuse me of having a sexist attitude again, you will be reported, and escorted off site immediately. do i make myself loving Clear?�

She came back over, head down, and went back into her office. Other consultants replaced her the next shift

I think it�s just as sexist to assume that someone�s doing or acting a certain way �because im a girl� or �because im black�.. thats the same loving thing IMO

On one hand rape happens, on the other hand.. I can't imagine anyone talking like this.

quote:

This is my first post, and it will be difficult to write.

I�ve been reading the otherkin tag for a while and hearing a lot of things about how the worst things that otherkin have been through are being harassed on the internet. I wish that were true, but it isn�t.

I�m fae. I�ve known this for a long time, long before I even started using the internet. But that�s not what this post is about.

I have always been very shy and did not tell anyone about my identity for a very long time, until I was 13. I had just started high school (I skipped third grade) and met a boy in my English class. I�ll call him Ryan. He was very kind to me and we became friends. He truly was my first close friend. After a few months of friendship, I opened up to him and told him that I was fae. Ryan, in turn, told me that he was a therian and completely accepted my identity. I was absolutely thrilled. Here was the first true friend I had ever had, and not only did he accept me, but he understood me.

A bit later he invited me over to his house, which I had been to before. When I got there, however, there were three other men there, quite a bit older than I was. One was a junior at our school and two of them looked older and I think they might have been in their 20�s. I didn�t really know who they were, but I figured since I was with Ryan it would be okay, since he said I was his best friend and the only person he could talk to about being otherkin.

So we sat down and after a while one of the men said �So you�re the fairy, huh?� I was confused and hurt that Ryan had told these strangers about me. I didn�t know what to say, and they laughed and I became a bit scared. The way they looked at me frightened me, so I stood up and told Ryan that I should probably go. I tried to leave, but one of them grabbed me before I could leave the room and said �Let�s see how good the fairy fucks.�

I struggled and tried to escape, but they were too strong. They gang-raped me. All of them, including Ryan. They laughed and jeered at me and called me retarded and delusional for being so stupid to think that I was fae. One of them, while he was raping me, hissed �Am I crushing your wings right now, you fairy whore?�

They stopped abusing me for a while, and I curled up in a corner. They started mocking me. It turned out that once Ryan heard that I was fae, he found it hilarious and told these �friends� of his. They thought maybe they could �teach me a lesson� about not being stupid and �delusional� by abusing me. So Ryan lured me into trusting him by pretending to be otherkin. After a while they started abusing me again and did things that I don�t want to describe because I can�t.

When they finally let me go I could barely walk. They refused to drive me back to my house because �Aren�t you a fairy? Can�t you just fly home?�

I�m not writing this as a sob story. I�m writing this to show people that we�re not just �harassed on the internet�. I was raped because I�m otherkin.

I was raped because I�m otherkin.

I don�t know if anyone will read this, but I wanted to write it anyway, even if no one reads this. If you do, thank you for listening.

# ¿ May 9, 2014 18:34

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

silencekit posted:

This loving guy! Is this from that guy that used to post all those bullshit stories about working at the hotel? I think maybe it was in an Ask/Tell thread four or five years ago. Every single loving mundane detail of working in his hotel, he spun it like he was Bruce Willis. I don't remember what happened to him. If this is the same guy, you got any other of his stories that clearly didn't happen?

Nah, that was JoeyVapes I think

http://www.scribd.com/doc/81358781/JoeyVapes-Stories

# ¿ May 11, 2014 01:52

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Warchicken posted:

Wait. So uh, he did self-admittedly cum all over a young girl's chest, right? And buttcoins saved him? Is this supposed to... I....

Well he is French...

# ¿ May 22, 2014 03:48

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Have some STDH from the news.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/...tory/?tid=hp_mm

quote:

Chris Kyle, musclebound, grim-faced and lethal, liked to tell stories.

Before his murder in 2013 at 38, the so-called deadliest sniper in American history nurtured a comic book narrative. He was the �true American badass,� as one journalist called him, who dipped, wore big boots and affected an aw-shucks Texas swagger. With 160 confirmed kills under his belt and a beautiful family behind him, he became the stuff of military legend. He wrote a best-selling book. Statues were erected. Millions made.

And then there were his stories � some of which smelled fishy. �There were a lot of things he told people that are really unverifiable,� journalist Michael J. Mooney, who wrote a book on Kyle, told The Washington Post.

Like the one about how he and a bud went down to New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina and picked off dozens of bad guys. Or the one in which he took on two armed Texans bent on stealing his truck and shot them both dead. Or the one he told about former Minnesota governor Jesse �The Body� Ventura.

It�s a story that Ventura said was false. A Minnesota jury, which on Tuesday awarded Ventura $1.8 million in damages from Kyle�s estate after deliberating for six days, agreed.

The details of the defamatory story: Kyle punched Ventura out at a bar in 2006 after Ventura criticized the Iraq War and said the SEALs �deserve to lose a few.�

In the book, he didn�t mention Ventura by name � he referred to a �Scruff Face.�

�Scruff bowed up again,� Kyle claimed in �American Sniper.� �This time he swung. Being level-headed and calm can last only so long. I laid him out. Tables flew. Stuff happened. Scruff Face ended up on the floor. I left. Quickly. I have no way of knowing for sure, but rumor has it he showed up at [a SEAL] graduation with a black eye.�

He identified �Mr. Scruff Face� as Ventura in a later interview with Bill O�Reilly on Fox News and in an additional radio segment. �He told us we were killing innocent people over there, men, women, children, that we were all murderers,� Kyle, wearing a Punisher baseball hat, told a Sirius XM talk show. He added: �Then he said we deserved to lose a few guys. � I punched him in the face. Jesse Ventura, he�s an older guy. � He went down � He fell out of his wheelchair.�

After the verdict, Ventura expressed a mixture of satisfaction and remorse in an interview with the Minneapolis Star Tribune. �I am overjoyed that my reputation was restored,� said the former wrestler, who served in an earlier iteration of the Navy SEALs in the 1970s. �But the emotion is [about] what�s been taken from me. I can�t go to � SEAL reunions anymore because that was the place I always felt safe and who will be next to throw me under the bus? I�d have to spend my time looking over my shoulder.�

Kyle was an exceptional soldier � a man others simply referred to as �The Legend.� But the verdict laid bare a separate side of him: his bravado.

His writing is drenched in braggadocio. �People ask me all the time, �How many people have you killed?�� he wrote in �American Sniper.� �My standard response is, �Does the answer make me less, or more, of a man? The number is not important to me. I only wish I had killed more. � The Navy credits me with more kills as a sniper than any other American service member, past or present. I guess that�s true.�

What was less sure, however, were some of the anecdotes he told after he left the SEALs in 2009 and returned to Texas. �After his incredible military career, he felt such high pressure to maintain his image,� Mooney told The Post. One way he did this was bar fights, pinning it on �pent-up aggression.� He told a story in his book of one time he and a pal pummeled a few �wannabe UFC fighters� in a bar.

�I would rather get my rear end beat than look like a p�y in front of my boys,� he wrote.

That sense of superhuman toughness perhaps led him to tell stories reporters couldn�t confirm. One involved a cold January morning at a gas station southwest of Dallas. Two armed men, he said, approached him and told him to hand over the keys to his black F350. �I told them I would get them the keys,� he told Mooney. �I told them they were in the truck and to just let me reach in.� Kyle then claimed he reached into the car, pulled out a gun and, shooting under his armpit, killed both men. �It�s true,� he said.

But was it? Reporters, including the New Yorker�s Nicholas Schmidle, called some of the nearby county sheriffs and none of them knew of it. �I went to every single gas station [nearby],� Mooney explained. �I talked to every single law enforcement out there, all the Texas rangers � and there�s no evidence whatsoever.�

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram had no better luck. �We checked with the medical examiner�s office, which reported no such deaths in Cleburne in January 2009.�

Years after those alleged killings, Kyle had another story to tell. This one referred to the vacuum of authority in New Orleans following Katrina, when the city slipped into chaos. According to the New Yorker and several military publications, Kyle and a few other SEALs drank late in San Diego late one night in early 2012. �The SEALs began telling stories, and Kyle offered a shocking one,� the New Yorker reported. ��He and another sniper traveled to New Orleans, set up on top of the Superdome, and proceed to shoot dozens of armed residents who were contributing to the chaos.� The magazine said one conversation participant said Kyle �claimed to have shot thirty men on his own,� while another said Kyle and the other killed 30 between them.

When the New Yorker�s Schmidle called the U.S. Special Operations Command for confirmation, he didn�t get any. Then one of Kyle�s officers told the reporter, �I never heard that story.�

Does that mean it didn�t happen? Who knows. It�s certainly possible that Kyle killed two Texan thieves and their bodies disappeared. And it�s also possible Kyle killed 30 armed assailants in New Orleans to protect its residents in Katrina�s aftermath. But it�s also possible Kyle couldn�t let go of his own legend, and, in a haze of post-traumatic stress, let his tales veer into untruth.

Even now, more than a year after Kyle was killed by a fellow veteran at a Texas shooting range, the most important aspect of his myth remains unclear. His book says the Navy confirmed he killed 160 in Iraq.

Kyle, for his part, claimed he killed 255.

# ¿ Jul 31, 2014 19:27

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Oh god , no, not cuddling, the horror!

# ¿ Aug 1, 2014 22:09

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

kirbysuperstar posted:

A startling amount of them are reports on coughs she hears. This is..something else. Good grief.

quote:

The next pictures are of notes from the hospital's medical doctors, from October 4 to October 26, 2014.

My "paranoia" is their answer to almost everything. No matter what happens, according to them, I'm paranoid... Did the doctor who wrote these notes confuse me with another patient? ...the person who answered the phone at the ER hung up on me when I told her that I was a patient calling from a mental hospital.

Well, at least she's somewhere she can get help.

# ¿ Jan 8, 2015 04:49

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

19th Century stdh

# ¿ Feb 13, 2016 18:50

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 13, 2024 19:35

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Dogfish posted:

If you like that one, I've got a whole bunch of stdh you're going to love!

'Eh, I know it's a folktale/fable but I found i fairly amusing.

# ¿ Feb 13, 2016 19:08

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!