Alter Ego posted:

Every time I see another one of those troper STDHs I can't think of anything except the Unsullied from Game of Thrones.

"This troper is pleased to have served you, Great Master."

Why can't they just use the pronoun I? Is it part of that whole "special unique snowflake" thing they have going on?

quote:

I judged the 'German Workers' Party' no differently. When Feder finally stopped talking, I was happy. I had seen enough and wanted to leave when the free discussion period, which was now announced, moved me to remain, after all. But here, too everything seemed to run along insignificantly until suddenly a 'professor' took the floor; he first questioned the soundness of Feder's arguments and then-after Feder replied very well- suddenly appealed to 'the facts,' but not without recommending most urgently that the young party take up the 'separation' of Bavaria from 'Prussia' as a particularly important programmatic point. With bold effrontery the man maintained that in this case German-Austria would at once join Bavaria, that the peace would then become much better, and more similar nonsense. At this point I could not help demanding the floor and giving the learned gentleman my opinion on this point-with the result that the previous speaker, even before I was finished, left the hall like a wet poodle. As I spoke, the audience had listened with astonished faces, and only as I was beginning to say good night to the assemblage and go away did a man come leaping after me, introduce himself (I had not quite understood his name), and press a little booklet into my hand, apparently a political pamphlet, with the urgent request that I read it.

quote:

Keeps Using Stalin For Stalling
Secondary School | UK | Bizarre/Silly, History, Politics, Students

(My class is writing essays on Stalin’s rise to power. Our history teacher, whilst a very good teacher, is very open about how great he thinks Stalin was.)

Student #1: “[Teacher], if I write ‘I love Stalin’ at the top of my work, will I get a [highest mark]?

Teacher: “No—”

Student #1: “Everyone, just write ‘I love Stalin’! Then we’ll all get [highest mark]!”

(This goes on a little until another student overhears Student #2 discussing with a friend.)

Student #2: *loudly* “[Student #1], did you just say ‘Stalin was a sneaky little jerk’?”

Student #1: “What? I—”

Student #3: “Ooh, you will so get [fail grade]!”

HOOLY BOOLY posted:

Of all the stupid poo poo that gets censored in these why does [highest grade] get censored? At least other times it's kind of inane but it makes some sense that you don't want people finding out you work at a McDonalds in Texas or whatever. But what harm is it that people know that you get an A? Or is it in like a foreign country where the grading system is different so they don't want people knowing which one?

kinmik posted:

Yes, kill them, because that's what your heroes and the paragons of moral justice, Rorschach and V would do.

quote:

Doesn’t Take It Lite-ly
Party | PA, USA | Food & Drink, Gatherings, Strangers

(I am at my best friend’s engagement party. I bring a case of Smithwick’s along since I know he and his fiancé usually stock mostly lite beer which I abhor with a somewhat irrational level of hatred. I make it known the beer is fair game and socialize a bit, end up chatting among a girl and a guy.)

Me: *noticing the girl has no drink* “Did you want a beer? I brought along a case of Smid’ick’s”

Girl: “No, thanks. I don’t like beer.”

Me: “You don’t like beer!? What kind of beer have you been drinking that you say you don’t like beer?”

Guy: “Dude, she doesn’t have to have a beer if she doesn’t want to.”

Me: “I’m aware of that, and some people just don’t like beer. But usually when someone says that I find they’ve only ever drank piss-water in the past, so now I’m curious. What kind of beer are you thinking of when you say you ‘don’t like beer’?”

Girl: “I’ve only really drank beer in college, and then it was usually normal stuff like [lite brands], stuff like that.”

Me: “Well see, there’s your problem. Lite beer is not beer. It’s just bad tasting water. You’ve never had a beer before. Why don’t you try a sip of this and see if you like it.”

Guy: “Man, chill out. She says she doesn’t like beer. She doesn’t have to have beer!”

Me: “You chill out. She’s only had lite beer in the past.”

Guy: “Lite beer is still beer.”

Me: “No. No, it’s not. You’re just spewing gibberish right now. [Girl], this is a fairly good basic lager. It’s not too strong. Would you like to try a sip to see if you like it better than the s*** you had in the past?”

Guy: “She doesn’t have to like beer!”

Me: “I’m not forcing her. I’m asking her. I think beer is a good thing, and if I can spread some joy to someone who doesn’t know it can be good, I’ve done my duty. [Girl], would you like to try?”

Girl: *shrugs* “Eh, why not.”

(She tries a sip while the guy basically scoffs at me.)

Girl: “Hmm, it’s not that bad.”

Me: “There, see? Real beer is pretty good.”

(About a minute passes. Conversation continues normally.)

Girl: “Actually, [My Name], could I get one of your beers?”

Me: *giving [Guy] a smug look* “Absolutely you can!”

NtotheTC posted:

To be fair, if this was written down in NAR form, we'd dismiss this as STDH pretty quickly... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJye229QbVs

fistful of hammers posted:

I hate to say it, but I work at a pet rescue and I've witnessed very similar events over the years... I wish this was stdh but people are dishonest pricks and will say anything just to get a cute kitten or puppy.

turnways posted:

It's also an attempt to avoid huge derails in the comments about thing X, where X is the retail store/restaurant/movie/TV show/etc. mentioned in the story. It never works though and just makes everything sound so generic and unrelatable.

quote:

Finally Tipped Off
Hotel, Restaurant | BC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Employees, Food & Drink, Money

(I am 21 years old and slightly scruffy looking, but hold a prominent position in an ultrasonic based oil and gas service company in northern British Columbia. I take a vacation down south for a family get together. I go out for breakfast.)

Me: “Hello. I am looking for the restaurant. Can you help me?”

Security Guard: “Sir, if you want to go into the casino, I need to see some ID.”

Me: “That is fine; I was unaware that the restaurant was in there.”

Security Guard: “It’s not. There is a concession there that sells chips but I need to see your ID first.”

Me: “Look I just want to sit down at a nice place and have a nice meal. If you insist here is my ID.”

Security Guard: “Okay, sir, the concession is up the stairs and to the left.”

(I go up to the concession and ask the woman if she could help me. She promptly points me in the right direction. I head down to the restaurant and get a table where I am placed in the farthest back corner with no view.)

Waitress: “Yeah, what can I get you?”

Me: “I will have the candied salmon eggs benedict with a glass of orange juice, please.”

Waitress: “Are you sure? That is quite expensive.”

Me: “I can afford it, I assure you.”

Waitress: “Okay, I’m ‘sure’ you can.”

(I receive my food and it is quite good, but I flag down the waitress to get a refill.)

Me: “Hello. Can I get another orange juice, please?”

Waitress: “You know you have to pay for that, right? They are not free refills. This isn’t a cheap restaurant.”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand that you probably have a lot of people come in that try to dine and dash. I understand that I am not dressed according to my economic status. However, my mother raised me alone on a waitress’ salary and I have always been a believer in very good tips for good service. You have treated me like scum since I walked in here. People are never who you think them to be and I am quite insulted by this. Do you see that brand new fully loaded 2012 Chevy pick up?” *uses key fob* “That’s mine. I am an honest hard working person who is on vacation. But you know what, since you’re so concerned with my money, don’t worry. Now that you’re not getting a tip the bill will be a lot easier on this poor soul.”

(The waitress’ face turned bright red and she couldn’t even look at me.)

quote:

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 8
Retail | MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(I work in a well-known department store chain as a cashier. By law, I’m required to offer our store credit card to each and every customer that comes through my line if they’re over the age of 18.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your total is [total]. If you don’t have our [Store] card, I can try to save you $10 or $15 on this purchase.”

Customer: *mumbles so low that I can’t hear her*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Could you please repeat that?”

Customer: “I SAID NO! GOD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH AT ALL? YOUR SERVICE IS HORRIBLE!”

(At this point she starts screaming her head off, and I see my manager, who is really short and stocky, running down the aisle to see what all the yelling is about.)

Customer: “I MEAN, WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ME IF I WANT A CREDIT CARD? YOU SHOULD KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have never met you before. How would I know that you don’t have any credit cards?”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHECK YOUR THINGAMAJIG WHEN I GIVE YOU MY REWARDS CARD!”

Me: “Ma’am… those are two completely separate things.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT! STOP F***ING LYING TO ME!”

(My manager has just gotten to my booth when the customer slaps me, hard, across my face.)

Manager: “[Customer]! Why did you just hit my cashier?!”

Customer: “HE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY CREDIT CARDS!”

Manager: “Get out of my store! This is the third time you’ve done this! Do not come back!”

Customer: “THIS IS WHY I NEVER SHOP AT [Store]! THE SERVICE IS TERRIBLE!”

Manager: *after the customer left* “Are you okay? Go on a break. I’ll cover for you.”

Me: “So… no hazard pay?”

Manager: “Ha. Good luck with that. I’ve been here 40 years and I don’t get hazard pay.”

(She did the customer satisfaction survey on the receipt that we print out and gave me the lowest possible rating, a 0, because of “terrible service” and actually WON a $1,000 gift card to the store via the sweepstakes system. Corporate was notified and they cancelled the gift card right away and gave me a $100 gift card!)

TetsuoTW posted:

Seriously this is among the most retarded things I've seen this week. They're bloody Kinder eggs! If your kid is too stupid to handle a Kinder egg, or you're too bad a parent to stop your kid killing him/herself with a Kinder egg, you should return your child as soon as possible because you done hosed up.

quote:

http://notalwaysfriendly.com/not-bigot-on-accents/35176
Not Big(ot) On Accents

(I’m a Caucasian expat living in Singapore. I’ve learned to speak the local creole well enough to get by, as my foreign accent often comes across as unintelligible. On the train on my way home from work one night, a Caucasian man steps into my carriage.)

Man: *looks around, spots me, and openly gawks* “Oh, THANK GOD!”

(He practically runs towards me and sits right next to me, despite most seats being unoccupied.)

Man: “Another NORMAL person, finally! Aw, man, I can’t tell you how great it is to see you! I mean, this place is ridiculous! It’s full of… Asians!”

Me: *raises an eyebrow while frowning*

Man: “Yeah, like, I wanted a holiday and everything, but I didn’t want a tropical place that didn’t have stores and bars and stuff, y’know? So the travel guy said Singapore would be good, but everyone here is bloody Chinese or something! I don’t know what’s wrong with the place!”

Me: *trying my best to sound as local as possible* “Aiyah, why you come Singapore one ah? Dis one cannot lah!”

(The man looked terrified and scooted away.)

quote:

Sorry to interrupt, but this story's code has got itself in a mess (SecurityError: The operation is insecure.).
ou may be able to continue playing, but some parts may not work properly.

quote:

Game and Hobby store

Arizona

(I worked as cashier at a store that sold card and board games, model kits, action figures, and other nerdy items, as well as drinks and snacks. The store’s owner would usually stay in the back doing paperwork, when he was there at all.) (The store has a separate room where games can be played, and it is frequented by customers who often hang out there for several hours a day to play games with other customers. The room would also be used as a meeting place for various nerdy fandoms. The room served as a draw for people to hang out at the store and buy things. For years, every Wednesday and Saturday night, a large group of “Furry” fans would frequent the store wearing animal costumes, or often just ears or tails. They would hang out in the separate room, and while they were often noisy, they would rarely cause problems in the store. This takes place on a Wednesday night, and the store is full of people from the furry fandom.)

Owner: “Those F****** furries are here again! Get them out of my store!”

Me: “They are allowed to be there, and they’re following all the rules. They’re not causing problems.”

Owner: “These freaks are scaring away real customers! I’m tired of dealing with them. I don’t want them here again.”

Me: “They buy snacks and cards every Wednesday and Saturday, and nobody has complained about them.”

Owner: “I don’t care, I’ve never seen them buy squat! I want them gone!”

(Eventually, the owner goes to the other room and makes an announcement that the furry gatherings are no longer allowed in the store. Dejected, the furries leave, and do not return that Saturday.)

Owner: “Finally! Now maybe we can get some real business!”

(As it turned out, the purchases made by the furry group were a huge chunk of the store’s income, and several members of the furry group were some of the store’s best customers. Angry that they had been kicked out, the rejected furries spoke to their friends in some of the other groups that met at the store, and those groups stopped coming as well. Within a few months the store had gone under, and I had to find a new job.)

jodai posted:

http://notalwaysfriendly.com/

God drat, this is the worst site. It makes me really sad but I imagine some of this is still made up, too. Most of the setup is longer than the actual stories so that the reader can get some stupid inside joke.

quote:

(My boyfriend and I are at a BBQ with some friends. I am musically inclined, and during conversation, bring up the topic of hand-bell ensembles. A hand-bell is a bell that plays a single note. To play a whole piece you would need multiple hand-bells to play every note in the piece.)

Boyfriend: “Depending on the piece, a hand-bell ensemble would have to be huge to play every note.”

Me: “Not necessarily. Each person could hold two bells, so you would only need half as many people as there were different notes.”

Boyfriend: “Oh yeah, I forgot that people have two arms…”

quote:

Allergic Overreaction
Pharmacy | Yorkshire, England, UK | Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a large chemist’s shop in North Yorkshire. I am about halfway through my shift when a woman comes running into the shop and up to the register. She is scratching herself really fast and making weird faces.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “I’m sorry…?”

Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “Okay… what about it?”

Customer: “ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT? I NEED MEDICINE! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

(I was quite alarmed by this point and other customers in the shop were starting to stare.)

Me: “Right, what caused your reaction? Is it animal related, or—”

Customer: *scratching like mad* “I DON’T KNOW! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

Me: “Yes, but to give you the correct medication we need to know what caused your reaction. What—”

Customer: “I DON’T F****** KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT! ALLERGIC REACTION! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE IT STOP ITCHING!”

Me: “But, ma’am…”

(The customer was now running around the store pulling items from the shelves before throwing them to the ground.)

Customer: “WHERE IS THE F****** ALLERGIC REACTION MEDICINE? I NEED IT NOW!”

(The manager, hearing the commotion, runs out from the back room.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I NEED MEDICATION FOR AN ALLERGIC REACTION AND THIS F****** S*** WON’T GIVE ME IT!”

Manager: “What caused your reaction, ma’am?”

Customer: “I. DON’T. F******. KNOW!”

Manager: “In that case we can’t help you. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Customer: “F*** YOU! WHEN I DIE I’M GONNA COME GET YOU FIRED!”

(The customer runs out of the store screaming ‘ALLERGIC REACTION!’)

quote:

This Will Become Herb And Legend
Restaurant | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

(They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

ReidRansom posted:

At high concentrations it can be quite dangerous and cause cell damage.

quote:

Scrooge-Fest
Office | MI, USA | Coworkers, Holidays

(I’m a Scrooge about holidays, especially minor ones, but one coworker hasn’t got the hint.)

Coworker: “So what are you doing for St. Patrick’s day?

Me: “Nothing.”

Coworker: “What? But you have to do something special! It’s such a fun holiday!”

Me: “I’m neither Irish, Catholic, not an alcoholic, so I don’t think I have any reason to celebrate it.”

Coworker: “You’re going to be just as much fun for Cinco de Mayo, aren’t you?”

Me: “And Octoberfest.”

PUGGERNAUT posted:

a bad Terry Pratchett book

Gatekeeper posted:

I dunno, my step-dad does poo poo like this for neighbors he doesn't know very well. I get that it's almost certainly bullshit if it's coming from reddit but it's not that unbelievable.

Wandle Cax posted:

Yeah it's almost like the note's recipient took it home to photograph it.

david... posted:

what am I meant to learn from this parable...

quote:

The Mommy’s Curse
Middle School | OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Parents

(I am in a conference with a parent of a seventh grade boy. He is very smart in math but has the bad habit of ‘going off': loud cursing and using the N-word in reference to himself and classmates. Detention helped some, but I didn’t want to give him any more detentions because then he would get suspended. Note: the student is with the mom during the conference.)

Me: “[Student] is very smart; he is one of my best students and certainly the top math student in seventh grade. He really seems to enjoy the class and always participates. However, sometimes when he gets a bit upset at his classmates disrupting the class, he starts shouting and cursing, including using lots of racial slurs. He responds well to my direction to stop usually but I’m afraid it has become habitual. [Student] has such potential for his future and it is important for him to know this is not appropriate in a school or work environment. Will you work with him about this at home?”

Mom: “I’ll work with this little n**** right now!” *smacks her son on the back of the head* “DON’T YOU EVER use that godd*** language in this f****** school, you dumb motherf****er! S***, I didn’t take off work to hear about your black a** acting the fool! You told me you were doing good in math! Lying-a** n****!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “I’m so godd*** mad right now! This little n***** has worked my last nerve! I don’t know where he gets this from. Nobody in my f******* family even curses!”
(503 Thumbs Up!)

hyperhazard posted:

It's one of those things like Le-a where someone's aunt's sister's neighbor totally knew someone with that name. It kept cropping up in the PYF Terrible Names thread so often that it was banned.

Boneitis posted:

Why do people make stories like this up? It seems that I hear a disproportionate amount of stories about trans people being misgendered that are obviously fake.

Khazar-khum posted:

Spend money? I don't know anything about Reddit. Will people just give you money???

Drunk Tomato posted:

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

quote:

It’s Your (Red) Cross To Bear
Airport | Canada | Extra Stupid, Geography, Students

(I am Swiss and obviously have my passport in hand at airports. The Swiss passport is red with a white cross on it, like the flag. When queueing to enter the airplane a version of this conversation happens nearly every time:)

Stranger: “Oh, my god! You have a Red Cross passport! Are you from the Red Cross?!”

Me: “Haha, no, it’s a Swiss passport.”

(Since when is the Red Cross a country?)

Fathis Munk posted:

quote:

Twice The Cheese, Double The Effort
Restaurant, Sandwich Shop | Canada | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Money

(I used to work at a small sandwich shop at which the manager and I were the only daytime employees. Our franchise serves shredded cheese on sandwiches, and customers often try to get us to put extra cheese on, since it’s more difficult to gauge the proper amount. The following happens during our regular lunch rush, as my manager and I are running back and forth, ringing people through and making their sandwiches.)

Me: “And what kind of cheese would you like?”

Customer #1: “Shredded.”

(I measure out the proper amount with our scoop and put it on his sandwich.)

Customer #1: “No, put more than that.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is our standardized amount. If you want more, you’ll have to pay for extra cheese.”

Customer #1: “No, you didn’t put enough on. You need more than that.”

(My manager has just finished ringing someone through and comes over.)

Manager: “No, sir, I saw her measure it out. That is the standardized amount for a footlong sandwich.”

Customer #1: “No. I need more cheese than that!”

(This goes back and forth for a minute as I get to work on the next customer’s order, and finally my manager puts a full extra serving of cheese on.)

Manager: “So that will be [amount] extra when you get to the till, then.”

Customer #1: *mutters* “Well, put more than that on, then.”

(My manager ignores him, and I finish making his sandwich and start punching it into the till.)

Customer #1: “And I’m not paying for extra cheese.”

Manager: “I gave you double cheese. Are you saying you would like me to give you free food?”

Customer #1: “You didn’t put double cheese! You put a tiny bit extra.”

Manager: “No. You received the regular, doubled, amount. Are you going to pay for it?”

Customer #1: “No! You should have put more! I won’t pay for extra cheese.” *smiling smugly* “So, how much is it without extra?”

(My manager raised her eyebrows at him, canceled the order, threw the sandwich in the garbage, and went back to help the next customer in line. He stood there speechless until the other customers started applauding. Then his face turned red and he stormed out, muttering that we lost “$30.00.” His sandwich was only worth about $8.00, even with the extra cheese.)

beedeebee posted:

"engage in genital darts"

times a million. Who the gently caress calls sex "genital darts".

quote:

Ki-Wheezing
Coffee Shop | MN, USA | Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars/Scammers

(I often visit a local coffee shop that serves not only coffee items, but also pastries and real fruit smoothies. The menu, however, does not list the fruits included in the smoothies. I have a kiwi allergy.)

Me: “Hi, can I get a tropic blast smoothie and a scone?”

Barista: “Sure thing! That’ll be [price].”

Me: “And does the tropic blast smoothie have any kiwi or kiwi flavoring in it? I’m allergic.”

Barista: “No, none at all! It’ll be right up.”

(My friend and I pay and collect our food and go to sit down. I take a sip and immediately feel my lips tingling and itching, and my tongue feels like it’s getting pinpricks and is swelling. I realize there is kiwi, and I’m having an allergic reaction. Since my reactions aren’t life threatening, just uncomfortable for an hour or so, I bring it back up to get a replacement.)

Me: “Uh, sorry but there is kiwi in this. I’m having a reaction but it’s in control. Can I get a refund or replacement, maybe?”

Barista: “F*** off.”

Me: *shocked* “Excuse me?”

Barista: “You heard me. F*** off. That had got to be the fakest lisp I’ve ever heard, and Jesus is watching you lie to get things for free. You even drank half of it!”

(The ‘fake lisp’ is from my swollen tongue, and I had only taken a small sip so the cup is nearly filled to the brim. Another barista gets the manager/owner for me without being asked, and I tell her what happened.)

Owner: “Did you really tell this poor girl to ‘eff off’?!”

Barista: “Listen to her! She’s obviously faking. She just wants free smoothies.”

Owner: “Can you show her your tongue, please, miss?”

Me: *sticks out my red and obviously swollen tongue*

Owner: “Why did you tell her the tropic blast didn’t have any kiwi?! And why did you accuse her of lying?!”

(The barista tried to defend herself and failed. The owner fired her and told me this isn’t the first time she’d been rude to customers. The owner gave me a 15 free drinks coupon, and even though I’ve used them up, I’m still a regular! But I’ve never had another smoothie from them.)

Perfidus posted:

Ah, the brass dance! You're not a shooter until you've done it.