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You know that stuff that happened? That's not this. Stories, made-up bullshit, whatever, post it here. Just make sure it isn't real. A classic to start you off: quote:One time, this troper got pushed around by a bully at school. Having had enough he gathered his Nakama and challenged the bully. The smug jerk, thinking he was guranteed victory, accepted. We met on the roof of the school after class. He Begun by taunting me about the PTSD he knew I had. Suddenly, his goons grabbed my friends. Having been forced to a fight, I moved into my fighting stance. He Began to change. I stood relaxedly, simply informing him that "The predator is now the prey." He slowed. I stared him down. The bully, outmatched.Suddenly He Began to reveal he knew about my aspergers and asexuality too. That was my berserk button. I attacked, a staggering barrage that laid him low. Knowing defeat, He Began to crawl away, as his friends stared in awe. "This kid.. is.. inhuman..". I walked towards his friends and snapped a pencil as I would their spines Heh. They gathered their wounded leader, and I rested, knowing that justice had prevailed. However, sometimes people lie because it is a joke! And I know people who post on Something Awful are unable to understand jokes but if you post one and someone manages to identify it as such then you'll look really loving stupid. corn in the bible has a new favorite as of 15:14 on May 13, 2014 |
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May 3, 2014 17:37
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| # ¿ May 10, 2024 15:11 |
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quote:AddThis Social Bookmark Button
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Jul 5, 2014 17:52
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quote:
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Jul 5, 2014 20:22
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(I’m currently wearing a My Little Pony lanyard as I am a ‘brony’, or a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I finish a project on the computer and start to walk back to my seat, but it would appear that I left the lanyard, as a peer calls out.) Peer #1: “Hey, [teacher], whose lanyard is this?” (Another student picks it up and holds it high, when I realize my mistake and move to retrieve it from the student.) Me: “Oh, thanks! I almost lost it!” (Suddenly, the whole room goes completely silent. Note: I am a 15-year-old male. Peer #1 speaks up again.) Peer #1: “Uh, [my name]. Why do you have a My Little Pony lanyard?” Me: “Because I watch the show and enjoy it?” Peer #1: “Why?” Me: “Well, I think it’s a good show.” (It seems to satisfy him. I move back towards my seat, but then Peer #2 speaks up; a very outspoken individual.) Peer #2: “You like My Little Pony?” Me: *slightly annoyed* “Yes. I just said that, but… still yes.” Peer #1: “Well, you shouldn’t wear that! People will make fun of you and junk!” (This catches me by surprise, seeing as Peer #2 is normally very stereotypical about things, and enjoys poking fun at everything.) Me: “Well, nobody says much on the negative side.” Peer #2: “That’s because they don’t wanna SAY anything!” (This draws up a collective chuckle from the class. I notice the teacher is watching with interest, but not intervening. I manage to hold my serious demeanor, and continue.) Me: “Well, that’s good. They’re keeping it to themselves.” Peer #1: “Yeah, because most people don’t like talking about gross man-children like you.” (I move to make a response, but my teacher suddenly stands up and intervenes.) Teacher: “[Peer #1], [Peer #2], I will not have such slander tolerated in my classroom! Sit down, be quiet, and behave!” Peer #2: “But we are beahavin’! We be tellin’ the TRUTH!” Teacher: “Be that as it may or may not be, insulting a teacher is unacceptable behavior from the both of you.” Peers #1 & #2: “But we didn’t—” (The teacher makes an abrupt zip it gesture, which quiets all the chatter that erupted from the start of the encounter. Then he smiles, and walks over to me, before pointing at my lanyard, which I am still holding.) Teacher: “So, where did you get that?” Me: *hesitant* “Uh, [famous fan-merchandise store].” Teacher: “Well, I’ll have to check next time I go there for a lanyard like yours. I thought they only had shirts!” (It takes a second, but the realization hits me soon enough.) Me: “Wait a second… are you a—” Teacher: “Never let a herd member down in his or her time of need.” (He calmly offers me a “brohoof,” or basically a fist-bump shared between two fans of the show. He walks back to his desk, sits down, and resumes grading papers as he was before. Peer 1 and 2 just stare, and the rest of the class is slack-jawed as well. They never bothered me about the issue again, and now he’s my favorite teacher!)
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Jul 6, 2014 20:33
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(Our professor is known to bully, tease, or intimidate students. He also states that grading starts at an ‘F’ and everyone must earn an ‘A.’ I am a senior and my project partner is very smart but meek freshman girl. I tell her that she should present our progress report.) Partner: *nervously* “So my, uh, project is on…” *almost crying* Professor: “This is too easy. Really now, who is your partner.” (She points to me.) Professor: “[My Name], did you make your partner present knowing she is so shy?” (I just smile.) Professor: “Get up here and explain your project.” (I explain our project. Afterwards…) Professor: “So you set her up knowing I would intimidate her.” Me: “Yes.” Professor: “And you knew I would give up.” Me: “Yes. You are teaching sociology, after all.” Professor: “Hmm, so really you were setting me up, Okay, for social engineering you earned an ‘A’, and your partner a ‘B.’ As for the rest of you, the bar is set, and you are still only at Cs.”
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Jul 9, 2014 21:04
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(My acting class is getting ready to put on a show for a bunch of kindergarteners. We’re all in costume and most of the class is out on stage, playing Simon Says with the kids before the show starts. However, three friends and myself are in the boy’s dressing room. Our stage manager is from a completely different class, a little high-strung, and barely knows any of us. Boy #1 is messing around on the piano. ) Boy #1: “Do… Do re mi… F*** it.” *starts playing a very recognizable melody* (Boy #1 gives up and starts playing a very recognizable melody on the piano instead.) Boy #1: “Every single day, I walk down the street…” Girl: *chimes in* “I hear people say, ‘Baby’s so sweet!’” Me: “Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me!” Boy #2: “Boys, girls, I can’t help it baby!” (Boy #1 abandons the piano and continues acapella. Meanwhile, the girl steps back and leads us into the backstage area.) Boy #1: “So be kind and don’t lose your mind!” Girl: “Just remember that I’m your baby!” (This continues through the second chorus, often blending into harmony, with everyone jumping on tables and chairs, making grand gestures and dancing around until, at just the right part, our stage manager comes back stage and immediately looks confused.) Me: “No way, can I be what I’m not!” Boy #2: “But hey, don’t you want your girl hot?!” Stage Manager: “Hey, guys, the show’s about— what are you all doing?” (Boy #1 completely ignores my stage manager and jumps down from his table, right behind where she’s standing.) Boy #1: “Don’t fight, don’t lose your head!” (He then drops down to his knees, grabs onto her leg, and looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.) Boy #1: “Cause every night, who’s in your bed?!” Stage Manager: “Wait, what’s he—” Boy #1: “Who? Who’s in your bed? Kiss, pookie!” (Boy #1 flutters his eyes and makes kissy faces at her before finally letting go. We all had to take three minutes to calm down enough from laughing from just the look on our temporary stage manager’s face to actually go out for our performance. When we told our regular teacher this later, she just started laughing and promised she’d show the other class Rent.)
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Jul 10, 2014 10:01
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Back when I was a wee kid, we lived across from a popular public pool in a tiny street so parking was premium. We sometimes had issues with people parking across our driveway, but we were pretty chummy with the pool owner and would just get him to put the message out over the loud speakers and the people would come over, apologise and move their car. However, one afternoon coming home from school this person had the audacity to park IN our driveway, IN our garage... My dad was dumbfounded. We went over and put the message out as per usual and this woman in her 30s came over in a huff and said she would fix it when she had finished her exercise routine. So my dad just parked behind her and we went out for dinner for 4 hours or so. She was pissed, but the story does not end there. She kept doing it. Usually 2-4 times a month. Eventually my Dad would not think twice about parking her in and letting her out at his own leisure. No problem by us, lots of problems by her. She once called the police on us, to which they just told her to not park on private property and wrote her a citation. But wait, there's more. One Saturday morning she had the gall to park us in our own driveway. Dad had had enough. He made sure she was doing her laps, grabbed a coat hanger, jimmed the car open, and dismantled the passenger seat. Taking it out and leaving it on the curb in front of the pool exit. He then sat on our front deck, sipping his tea as she came out of the pool to get her car. She walked passed the passenger seat without a second glance and scowled at him as she opened her car and got in. She then did a double take as she went to put her bag on the seat. She freaked out, realising that my Dad had had access to her car and belongings this entire time and done nothing about it until now. She ran over, grabbed her seat, put it in the boot and drove off. Never heard from her again. TL;DR: Don't gently caress with a man that can dismantle your car.
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Jul 10, 2014 20:35
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(I am at a parent teacher conference. I am nine. Both my parents and I are Caucasian in appearance.) Teacher: ”So, [My Name] has been a good student except for this project, the family history one. In it she claims to be aboriginal. [My Name], this is very disrespectful to aboriginals and their culture. This is meant to be about your family history not a story.” Mum: ”But [Teacher], [My Name] is aboriginal. She gets it from her father’s side. She’s sixth generation Tasmanian Aboriginal.” Teacher: ”Don’t be silly. Look at her! She’s white with blonde hair!”
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Jul 21, 2014 08:50
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The Iron Rose posted:In what world do University professors care if you attend class? Tutorials, sure, but that's with 20 people and a TA and even then they don't really care so long as you don't arrive 50 minutes in. Some universities have very strict attendance policies. The one I got my BA at would drop you a letter grade for each missed class past the third. It was bullshit.
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Oct 14, 2014 01:39
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(I am in the kitchen washing dishes when I noticed the neighbours’ daughter about to knock on the front door of my unit. I answer the door to see what she wants.) Neighbour’s Daughter: “Can I come in and see your My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic toys?!” Me: “Sure, why not.” (As soon as she enters, several other kids show up and follow her inside. One of them is even carrying a bag full of ‘My Little Pony’ toys. They stay for about half an hour, singing songs, eating food, looking through my collection, and talking about pony videos they had seen on the Internet. Once they were gone I texted my best friend what had happened.) Me: “I now know how Bilbo Baggins felt when Gandalf threw that dwarf rave party.” Best Friend: “What?!” Me: “I was in my pj’s and robe, too. I keep expecting them to come back and make me sign a contract.”
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Oct 14, 2014 02:25
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(It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m seeing my youngest cousins for the first time since they were babies. To break the ice, we’re talking about the only topic I have in common with 4 and 7 year olds, ‘My Little Pony’.) Me: “Okay, so since you’re wild and crazy, and your favorite pony is Fluttershy, your pony name will be… umm… Nuttershy!” (They laugh uproariously at this.) Older cousin: “My favorite pony is Rainbow Dash! Can my pony name be Sonic Rainboom?” Me: “Okay! Nice! Now only I need a pony name, hmmm…” Younger cousin: “Your favorite pony is Pinkie Pie, and you have like a million cats, so your name will be Pussy Pie!” Me: “Uh…” Cousins: “Come on, Pussy Pie! Let’s go write a letter to Princess Celestia and let her know we’ve all made new friends today!”
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Oct 14, 2014 03:28
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what religion requires that you wear a balaclava
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Oct 14, 2014 16:53
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Cheradenine posted:Third-day balaclavarians. the eighth sacrament: 
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Oct 14, 2014 17:02
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Mother: *gets a satisfied grin like she thinks she’s about to finish all this, and puts on an extra thick accent* “Y’know, I bet ya’ll are just doin’ this because we’s black!” Me: “Not at all. We’re doing it because they’re disrupting not only our peace, and that of everyone else around, but seem to have no respect for being asked politely. Are YOU doing this just because we’re gay?” (To my actual surprise this shut her up. It’s as if she assumed that being ‘the minority’ was an instant-win card.)
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Oct 15, 2014 22:31
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Website/NotAlwaysRight
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Oct 25, 2014 16:14
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(It is a rather slow day at my workplace. For the past year, one of my coworkers has been trying to hook me up with male customers, which I turn down. Her boyfriend shows up with her son while she goes on break. When she comes back, she is chatting about her son.) Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name]. Do you want any kids?” Me: *restocking my station* “Nope.” Coworker #1: “Do you want to get married?” Me: “Nope.” Coworker #1: “Do you want a boyfriend?” Me: “Had one. Broke up with him. Don’t want another.” Coworker: “Why not?” Me: “I discovered I was asexual and aromantic when I was dating.” Coworker #1: “So you have sex with yourself?” Me: “No. It means I don’t want sex, just like aromantic means I don’t want any relationships other than familial or friendly.” Coworker #1: “Oh my gosh, [My Name]! You’re a woman! You’re made to make babies!” Me: “No. I am made to make high scores, art, stories, and honor to my God. Possibly even become a CSI.” (One of my other female coworkers who’s been listening in speaks up.) Coworker #2: “Amen, sistah!” *high-fives me* Coworker #1: *fumes off* Coworker #2: “So, what were those terms again? Because I think I’m one of those, too…”
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Oct 25, 2014 16:27
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quote:I met a girl once, made her lunch and, much later, dinner. After some conversation and some heavy petting we ended up moving to the bedroom.
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Oct 28, 2014 13:30
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Noyemi K posted:Yeah, that's not a good way to get ventilated at all! truly there's nothing more intimidating than a pocketknife
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Nov 16, 2014 17:42
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High school for me was a joke, just like it is for everyone. As a result, me and my friends did anything we could to make the days more entertaining. One plan started with two of my friends and a fake blood pill left over from Halloween. They approached the front desk to the office from opposite directions, right in the middle of a sizable crowd. One pretended to bump into the other and knock his books out of his hand. A mock fight erupted quickly. Naturally, a satisfyingly large number of people gathered around to watch. Hall fights are the best thing about high school. The office staff even crowded around, peering over the top of their partition walls and desks. With a mighty (fake) left hook, one friend caught the other square in the jaw. Right on cue, he bit into the blood capsule, sending blood spraying onto the crowd and the wall. He fell down, clutching his mouth and screaming. The victor, his role played out, dashed off. The guy on the ground was really hamming it up, even going as far as to remove the popped capsule and claim he'd bitten a chunk out of his tongue. And what did we get from the office staff? Applause.
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Nov 19, 2014 17:14
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Araenna posted:Why the gently caress would you come out to a class of students? Was it like, part of her report or something? Did she just decide to out herself to all of her classes that day? Why would literally everyone except the other student laugh and poo poo, and why wasn't there a teacher? Why How can people believe a story written by someone who has never been in a highschool in their life? Show and Tell is pretty hardcore these days.
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Dec 3, 2014 06:39
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Drunk Tomato posted:I know Facebook shares are extra-low hanging fruit, but COME THE gently caress ON PEOPLE I knew Obamacare was a bad idea.
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Dec 3, 2014 17:22
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When I was in my Freshman year of high school, i went to a party at a friends house. It wasn't a high school party, in the typical sense. It was very tame, a bunch of kids eating chips and swimming in a pool. But as with all things innocent there are those dissenters among the crowd who insist on their fun. I would say I was one of them. It all started when the hostess of the innocent gathering brought out some blue alcoholic mixture she had pilfered from her parents. Suddenly you saw the gleam in this group of girls eyes. In that moment I was starting into the eyes of the future alcoholics of America. Like a child on the breast they sucked it all dry, leaving most of us sober. So as I am looking around at this group of jits, I pick the one who looks most unsavory (in all reality the girls was pretty innocent in public) but I knew she would be the one. Lets call her Nicole. I asked her if she knew where we could get more alcohol and she said yes. Nicole calls her dude and arranges to meet in the parking lot of a local church. I immediately get a bad feeling about this whole thing, and being as Nicole is a rather petite person, I decided to go with her. Lets just say I'm not easy to kidnap. When we walk up the first thing I see is the fact that this dude drives a black pick up truck, full of pool cleaning equipment. OK, that's not so creepy, maybe he is like some type of male pool servant who wears his speedo for rich stay at home moms to ogle him while he maintains their cement ponds. I mean, who should I expect. Well, I expected some one in there lower 20's, probably some type of collegiate. Who else would this girl know who would buy her alcohol at her whim? Apparently 35 year old Black men do. Good thing I came, other wise Nicole was looking like she'd be washing up in a swamp somewhere. As we get in the truck with him all I can think of is what my mother told me when I was a little girl. “don't get in the car with strangers” The guy drives us down to the liquor store and goes in with the 25 dollars we had gotten from the hostess to fund our excursion. During the literal half hour it took him to buy the vodka, I sat with Nicole informing her of what a terrible decision it was for both of us to go with this man. I told her exactly what he could have done to her had I not come with her, and by the time he gets back I have Nicole about ready to piss herself. And god dang it she needed to be. We eventually have him drop us back off at the church and make our way back to the party. I then made a hasty retreat out the back door, bottle in bag, and then find my way home. Yes, I stole her vodka. Yes, It was delicious.
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Dec 4, 2014 01:46
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david... posted:Even in the context of this story the black guy is only guilty of buying some teens booze, what am I meant to learn from this parable... And our heroine protected the girl by stealing her vodka
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Dec 4, 2014 03:24
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AlbieQuirky posted:biblecorn, where did this fine story originate? STORG
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Dec 4, 2014 05:17
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I'm at a party. It's a Wisconsin winter, so we all take off our shoes at the door. It's a pretty good party. I'm in college, and it must've been my junior year. I came with my best friend / couch surfer, and everything was alright. I was flirting with a girl for a little while, and she gets a call on her cellphone. I play cards for a little while longer, but something gets my attention. I see a girl giving this guy a backrub. I call out, "Hey, what about me?" She starts making out with me. No backrub, no nonsense. Immediately, the first girl, with whom I was flirting with earlier, comes careening out of the woodwork. I do not see her. All I see is the backrub-girl's face being ejected off my own face by the first girl's fist. She was smacking her own friend in the mouth for moving in on me. WAPOW! There is commotion. "What is going on?" the partygoers might have said. Eventually, it gets to backrubgirl's boyfriend. She's got a boyfriend. And he's big. He tries to beat the heck out of me. I get lucky, and things don't end up like he thought they would. Enter: Boyfriend-guy's Four Big Friends. I do my best impression of the Roadrunner. I'm dashing out into the hallway, looking straight forward. 'I'll have to get to the car, and call my best friend on my phone so he can get me out of here', I calmly say to myself. As I'm running down the street, I see his car. The lights are on. The passenger door is open. My best friend is in the car. He has a poo poo-eating grin on his face. I don't ask questions. I dive in, and calmly explain that we need to abscond. "We've gotta get out of here!" I remark. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the rush?" "No time!" I tell him, no doubt with spittle dribbling down my chin. "Relax, man. Look in the backseat." I turn around. About 20 pairs of footwear, in various styles. I turn back to him. He smiles. I smile. No way are people going to run barefoot, much less three blocks, in a Wisconsin winter. Apparently, he saw what was about to go down, and prepared. I couldn't ask for a better best friend. We dropped the shoes off on the curb, and leisurely drove home.
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Dec 6, 2014 08:37
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:"Haha, just kidding, you actually failed for not only having out, but using an internet enabled device during a final." Why would he browse imgur instead of just cheating anyway
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Dec 6, 2014 21:04
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I was in Montreal for a school trip in the spring, and one of the places we stopped at was a bilingual dinner and a show. One of the kids on the trip, he's about sixteen, maybe seventeen, decided to be a wise rear end. At any oppertunity during the show, he would shout "TURDS!" at the top of his lungs. I tried to quiet him down, but I gave that up after the first course. He would even shout "TURDS!" while our hosts were speaking. After dinner, on the way out, one of the waiters, not even the one at our table, ran up and shouted "TURDS!" in a French accent, then ran off. It was priceless. The only way it could have been better is if the waiter had shouted at the right kid. He shouted at another guy who had nothing to do with the shouting.
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Dec 10, 2014 18:48
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(I’m at my in-law’s house. Her 18-year-old son and his 8-year-old nephew are shooting darts at a painting of an elk on the wall. The 18-year-old can’t seem to hit the elk, but the 8-year-old is doing great.) Father-in-law: ”[18-year-old] can’t shoot fake elk, let alone real ones! I should take [nephew] hunting next year instead!”
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Dec 16, 2014 15:27
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Drunk Tomato posted:It took me thirty seconds to understand what the hell is happening in this "story" and realize it is the most pointless thing I've ever read. That's a half minute I'll never get back Didn't you enjoy [anecdote]?
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Dec 16, 2014 19:58
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ummmmmmmm edit 4 here's some more bullshit justifications for why this totally happenef
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Dec 20, 2014 19:29
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ibntumart posted:I'm trying to conceive not only how, but why, anyone would want to lay a sick burn on the concept of trains (or specific locomotives, for that matter). because people found out that brother johnathan was a weirdo who was obsessed with trains
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Dec 22, 2014 09:57
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even if its just the immediate family maybe you should put more than three hours into a christmas present
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Dec 25, 2014 11:02
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Sinking Ship posted:Did the thread ever reach a consensus on greentext stories? Whatever I found these kind of amusing so hopefully it's excusable one way or the other. I just read the whole thread and want to give back ok nobody thinks green text stories are even meant to be real except the goons who keep posting them
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Jan 3, 2015 18:28
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they get fired if they hug people
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Jan 4, 2015 18:51
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I'm pretty sure if you mixed laundry detergent with food then the food would be poisonous
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Jan 6, 2015 16:37
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Nobody has ever said "by the by" in a real conversation.
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Jan 7, 2015 02:05
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Japanese Phone Box posted:Where the gently caress are you goons finding those troper tales, I thought TV Tropes was just to index dumb poo poo about videogames and furry fanfic. troper tales was a section of the site for people to tell stories of how tropes appeared in their own lives. the result was a lot of people talking about the time they beat people up with their Badass Longcoats so the section was deep-sixed and is no longer accessible.
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Jan 7, 2015 22:20
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EmmyOk posted:Did you know niggardly is a real word but is not an adjective for niggers? Yes you did because you're not a spastic. Some people don't apparently, and here's some STDH based around this hilarious misunderstanding sure, that word has fuckall to do with race, but id still probably think someone using that word was being a smug douchebag because LOOK IM NOT REALLY RACIST
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Jan 12, 2015 09:48
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New army psych procedures prescribe the use of wacky bear macros as an effective treatment for ptsd
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Jan 13, 2015 17:00
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Jan 18, 2015 22:41
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