quote:

(There is a large anime convention at our hotel. During these conventions, many guests dress up as their favorite characters. Some even go all-out and will wear body paint or mascot suits, carry fake weapons, etc. Even during these conventions, non-convention goers stay in the hotel. I am working the front desk and am approached by a very angry guest.)

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Kick these d***ed freaks out of this hotel! They’re disturbing my children!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. The event is already going on, and all of these people have paid to attend.”

Guest: “They’re disturbing my children! They have weapons! They’re dangerous freaks!”

Me: “We wouldn’t allow real weapons on the convention floor. All weapons have been checked, and all of them are props. I can assure you that no one here will harm your children with their weapons.”

Guest: “You’re lying! You’re just covering up for this… cult! It’s a cult of dangerous freaks with weapons!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no cult activity.”

Guest: “If it’s not a cult, then why are they painted grey? And why are they wearing devil horns? They’re the headmasters of the cult!” *motions to a nearby group in costume*

Me: “They’re in costumes. This is an anime convention. Many people dress up in costumes. That group is dressed up as characters from [popular webcomic]. They’re not a cult.”

Guest: “You’re lying! They’re a devil-worshipping cult! They’re going to wait until midnight, then sacrifice all the virgins to Satan!”

Me: “Actually, the only thing happening at midnight tonight is the convention’s dance.”

Guest: “A dance with the devil! You even admitted it! They’re a cult of devil-worshippers!”

Me: “I never said that.”

Guest: “And them, over there! In the animal costumes!” *motions to a group of people in mascot suits* “They’re going to perform strange sex acts on innocent people at the cult meeting tonight! How dare you let this happen?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you would listen to me—”

(There is now a long line of people waiting to be helped behind her, most of whom look upset with the way this guest is talking.)

Guest: *turns around to the people in line* “Don’t check into this hotel! They let crazy cults of devil-worshippers bring weapons in to sacrifice virgins and then have sex!” *runs off*

Next Guest in line: “…Heh. Normal people are funny. Can I please have some extra towels?”

Nckdictator posted:

Nah, that was JoeyVapes I think

http://www.scribd.com/doc/81358781/JoeyVapes-Stories

eating only apples posted:

Angry Bee Dance. I don't have links unfortunately but that's the guy you want.

quote:

An anthropologist proposed a game to the kids in an African tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the kids that whoever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run they all took each other´s hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats. When he asked them why they had run like that as one could have had all the fruits for himself they said: ”UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the other ones are sad?”
‘UBUNTU’ in the Xhosa culture means: “I am because we are.”

Awkward Davies posted:

The same reason people write lovely fan fic about characters having sex?

ibntumart posted:

Ask for disturbing international Bitcoin fanfic and ye shall receive. Speaking of strangely sexual level of detail, this one is definitely

quote:

It was using an antique version of Internet Explorer, but it was enough to send a short mail to family to assure them that everything was ok, even though I had to use the HTML only version of gmail.

Inspector_666 posted:

Fantasy writers love this and it never gets less horrible.

reddit posted:

Setting: Upscale bar area in ritzy side of town.

Me: Drunk, alone.

My background: Late 20's, 6'1, loves to fight, been in over 100 street fights, former wrestler, benches 225, not much to look at though, I certainly don't look tough. That said, I've been in enough fights to know that I want to hit first and I know that I want to do what it takes to win and then I know that I want to get the gently caress out of there as quickly as I can. Scene: I walk into a bar, order a drink. Bar is busy, its nearing closing time. I walk towards the back exit to leave.

I witness a large, 6'3", muscular man who has an acquaintance cornered. Said acquaintance is apologizing profusely. I have no context at this point. But large man goes on and on after said acquaintance apologizes. This annoys me because the acquaintance is all of 5 foot fat, completely worthless in a physical conflict.

I overhear the phrase "Not so funny when your friends aren't here."

This upsets me. Acquaintance has always nice to me at parties all through college, plus I think a friend or three of mine banged his sister. I'm drunk. In the mood for a fight. So I watch this play out. I know acquaintance is not getting hit more than once.

Guy standing next to me watches this. I drunkenly lean over and say "I'm gonna hit that guy in his face."

Eventually, these two guys, apparently neither is willing to hit the other so eventually the bouncers come up and break it up.

Kid looks at me and asks what the gently caress I'm looking at....

AND IM GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS PART IN ADVANCE, BUT MY GOAL WAS TO GET HIM TO CONSENT TO MUTUAL COMBAT TO AVOID ARREST IF POSSIBLE. THIS PART DID FURTHER MY GOALS AND IN NO WAY DID I ACTUALLY THINK HE WAS WHAT I CALLED HIM OR I WOULD'VE GONE WITH A DIFFERENT WORD.

Anyway, he says, "What the gently caress are you looking at."

My opening. This is what I'd been watching for and hoping for....

My dim witted reply: "I think you're a human being." (sorry, I told you that you wouldn't like it)

But it accomplishes my exact goal. He says "Want to go outside"

Without missing a beat, I say "YUP!"

He goes outside, I hold back for a second. I see that bouncer who broke it up. I look at him and say "You cool with me doing this"

That guy looked at me like I was loving nuts. I was hammered, 2 inches shorter and this guy had big muscles and I have a beer gut.

He said "Yea whatever"

That was all I needed, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get hosed up by the bouncers. I created my out with that question. Im in the ritzy part of town, I know I'll need it.
Anyway, after that I go outside, jack him in the jaw, he falls, I tackle him, put my knees on his shoulers and just start teeing off. Pretty sure I broke my hand on the concrete ( I was drunk, I missed at least once)

Bouncer pulls me off. Other bouncer covers the guy on the ground.

I'm completely calm. No point in fighting a bouncer.

Heres where I turn into James Bond. I turn my head, bouncer who I had spoken with earlier is holding me, I'm just relaxed. Not fighting him. He senses that I'm not a threat. I turn my head, say "Hey, I'm going to jump in that cab and get the gently caress out of here"

He pauses, thinks about it, lets me go, I jump in the cab. Go to the cabbie GOGOGO. He starts driving, windows down.

I hear big muscular guy on the ground, still held down yelling "IM GOING TO loving KILL YOU GAHHHH" - Literally foaming at the mouth still. He might've had a chance if I let him hit first, but I'm not going outside to talk poo poo. I'm too old for that poo poo. I lol the whole way home.

quote:

Me: “Have I ever told you guys how proud I am to actually know you guys? Wonder why she didn’t ask [Friend #3] and [Friend #4]?”

Khazar-khum posted:

713 thumbs up!

JK! posted:

The bible doesn't even say it was a whale. It says it was a big fish, so gently caress her.

color posted:

Please, please, if ANYONE has either a link to the Angry Bee Dance Helldump thread or just a saved .txt of the thread or even just a .txt of Deek's posts from that thread, post it here.

Noyemi K posted:

I like to imagine that everyone in that thread is Albert Einstein.

Morkyz posted:

Alright. It all started about 2 years ago at a lake. My best friend and her brothers were swimming to the middle of the lake because there was a pier they could sit on. So one brother already made it there. And my best friend was almost there, but her OTHER brother suddenly gave out and had trouble swimming. So she swam back to him and tried to pull him with her, but he kept struggling and accidentally kept pulling her underwater with him. So he said, "Lexie, LET GO OF MY HAND! You can't go with me!" And she kept refusing to go and said, "No, Nathan! You're my older brother, and I can't leave you to die alone! Please let me die instead!" and Nathan kept telling Lexie to let go of his hand. She kept refusing to let go, so he said, "Goodbye, Lexie! Swim to the pier where Levi is!" and he let go of her. He drowned within seconds. Lexie STILL beats HERSELF UP over this. She always writes "N.P.H. Love Like Crazy" on her wrist. That's his initials and a song that describes him well. I keep telling her that it was nobody's fault and maybe it was just his time to go. And it just still makes me upset because this guy was like a brother to me, and I still can't believe he's gone from our lives...

reddit posted:

When I was in the 3rd grade, there were a bunch of notorious bullies. A bunch of 6th grade girls who thought they were hot poo poo. They were always pushing the little kids in elementary around, shoving them out of their way and generally making their lives miserable.
Remember that girls tend to be quite a bit bigger than boys at that age, so when you're a shrimpy 8 yr old boy who's about 4 ft 2' tall, a 5 ft 2" girl's one handed shove might as well been a mountain giant swatting a flea.
One day after being unceremoniously shoved sprawling out of the way in the halls of the school, I had enough. I stood up and told the girls that we were all sick of them and if they wanted to fight they would get one. This resulted in spontaneous fits of laughter.
I told them we'd meet at the end of lunch behind the hill by the playground where the teachers couldn't see and we'd fight. But not just me and the shover. I told her to bring all her bully friends because they were all going to get it! Me and my friends versus her and her friends. They scoffed, said I was a dead man and walked away talking about the ridiculous beating they were going to dish out on us "wimps".
First recess, I talk to my male classmate friends. They agreed they were sick of being bullied and would all fight. But we knew we didn't stand a chance unless we got more help. So we hatched a plan. Not just my friends, not just all the boys in my class, or even in my grade. Every boy in the school in grade 3 or lower. We split into 2 groups and started recruiting. Word started getting around there was going to be a big fight.
Lunch rolls around and we are scouring the playground. Japanese kid practicing high kicks? Come practice on the grade 6 girls! Bunch of kids playing Red Rover? More fun if you throw yourselves into a bunch of bullies! These girls had earned a lot of animosity throughout the year and we had no problem getting everyone into our cloud of kids. By the time all my friends had met up, it felt like we had a monstrous unstoppable army. In reality it was prolly close to 60-70 kids. Some, who didn't even want to fight but was just coming to see what the fuss was all about.
When I got to the top of that hill, It was like Aegon the Conqueror, blazing his standard. Our swarm crested that hill causing those 8 girls to just blanch. turn white, and freeze in place. We didn't even give them a chance to surrender and just charged down that hill at full speed. Some of them screamed as they were being bounced around like ping pong balls by the stream of little bodies throwing themselves at them. All of them were knocked down. Standing over a screeching girl who I had just bowled over. hearing her screech while she was getting pummelled by tiny fists and feet, I felt a great glory wash over me. I surveyed the chaos with pride as the girls started getting up and fleeing in tears.
AFTERMATH All the boys in our class were called into the principal's office. Afterwards 8 of us were given weeklong after school detentions and our parent's were called. Teacher was sympathetic, as she knew of the bullying and the detention was just free play with my close pals who pulled this off.
TL:DR Bunch of grade 6 girl bullies expect to beat up a few little kids and swept away by a sea of em instead.
edit for clarity and grammar.

Non Serviam posted:

Wait, so in your eyes suggesting that a Japanese kid was doing martial arts is racist?
He's not saying he's building a loving railroad.

ibntumart posted:

Mister Mind posted:

Shane's a busy boy.

Medium Pace posted:

News article personifying STDH. Complete with applause at a bastion of anti racism and tears from the offender.

http://m.couriermail.com.au/news/br...642618dcb3a4072

stdh posted:

Three years later, we still tell the story about her and her crazy attitude when we all need a laugh.

a super badass thief like the kind in the movies posted:

Not every time, most of the time they don't notice. any loss prevention stops following you once you hit a Point of sale, so I usually roll through the self checkout and then go to the door. I've had people yell at me when it's gone a little sour and i've been noticed. I had a female customer 40s fat mother try to stop me because NO ONE STEALS FROM MUH FAVORITE TARGET. I told her if she touched me I would punch her into paralysis and continued on my merry way.

LeoMarr posted:

I actually had a cashier run out and Hi-5 me and say that he's never seen his manager more mad that I walked out and the manager was always toting "No one steals from my store they're too afraid". Yeah no. Sorry brah your 65 inch waist doesn't scare me.

Turtlicious posted:

I sometimes forget how old the internet is. I'm like 12 and jesus 46 seems like a dinosaur.

Paladinus posted:

I can believe that story, but the fake-sounding dialog really makes it sound less plausible.