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A classic from the old thread:quote:This troperrecently (A few weeks ago) got into a....little fight with his longtime nemesis, last day of (high)school, he may not be coming(droping out, my nemesis, not me) back, revenge bluh bluh merger childish things. He decides to come at me with a meter stick with a rather intimidating war cry. I merely tilt my head ever so slightly and plunk, it hits the wall behind my head, visibly dumbfounded he then attempts to slash me. Big mistake, my headphones got unplugged from my Ipod touch, and my favorite song was just beginning. Nightwish's song she is my sin and so begins my epic battle, he keeps slashing and lunging at me all while I dodge his blows and strokes. He attempts another headshot but I deftly grabbed it from him, he fell face first onto the floor, then I said one of my favorite badass boasts almost immediately afterword "On your knees...I want you to beg for forgiveness." my class's resident Video game gerd (Her own word she made, a combination of geek and nerd, she calls herself this all the time) said almost YELLING "Holy poo poo dude! That was awesome!" unfortunately his Girlfriend didnt think so, and tossed him the other meter stick and said "Kick that little snot into next year!"(Even though im taller then him he's like 5'4 im 5'7) and we exchanged blows which was eerily similar to aboved mentioned Final Fantasy movie, I then disarmed him and then said, "I hold no ill will, nor is this a personal matter, but thanks for the workout non-the less." He simply bowed his head in shame, his girlfriend having pure spasms of RAGE, chiding him that he couldn't beat a video game playing ultimate geek face(highly immature for a 16 year old girl I know), but I couldn't here them over the applause I was getting from the other geeks and my fellow peers, my teacher ( a substitute) woke up from her nap and simply said "what did I miss?" we all (except for my nemesis and his GF) begun laughing uncontrollably for a few minutes. I deadpanned afterwords "Nothing at all ma'am, just having some fun, listening to music, drawing, epic one sided battles..." She shrugged and went back to sleep. Really, any time someone says "and so begins my epic battle," you know they're lying. Also anything that starts with "This troper recently..." should be viewed with suspicion (unless followed with the words "spent Friday night alone" or "started crying when a bully threatened me.")
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May 6, 2014 14:20
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Jerry Manderbilt posted:Here's another variant on the classic professor STDH (in other words, where Tumblr meets Freep): I don't even know who these stories are supposed to be making fun of anymore 
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May 7, 2014 22:40
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jodai posted:Does anybody know where this post came from? The way it's written I'm sure the person has tons more stdh about how he's some kind of magical antiestablishment hero. It was in the previous thread, I know that for sure. "cosmic grape vein"
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May 8, 2014 21:15
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ahaha I forgot all about the "SILENCE, FILTH" one. A true classic.
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May 8, 2014 22:38
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As long as we're rolling out the classics here, I figured I'd post the "mall ninja" story. I don't even think it originated on SA...the TL;DR version is that some guy posted to a firearms forum about requiring an absurd amount of lethal weaponry and body armour. When asked what he did for a living, he said that he was head of a three-man tactical security force for a local indoor shopping mall. This is a job that apparently requires carrying multiple glocks, trauma plate-enhanced armour, and ninja boots that let you climb walls. Supposedly, at the end the guy fessed up to make it all up as a way of parodying gun nuts, but who knows. I prefer to believe that the guy was totally serious. The whole chain of posts is here: http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ There's too much to dump into one post, but enjoy some of the starters: Gecko45 posted:
quote:One poster responded, ‘If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Needless to say, alot of folks started seriously wondering where this guy worked” Gecko45 posted:Thanks to everybody for the help. I am now thinking that the best thing to do is to have my wife make an “undervest” with pouches front and rear for the additional plates. This would let me have three plates in front (probably too hot and two in back. What I’m also asking her to do is to sew in a sleeve for an ASP collapsible baton. Right now I’m taping the ASP to my right calf (the left calf is where I have my G27).It’s okay for me to talk about my job, as long as I’m not specific. I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas. [And here the myth begins”] Although there are typically between fifteen and twenty normal security officers working the beat there, we decided a while ago that it would be best to have a specilized force for violent individuals. We use modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes.Naturally, the regular security people are unarmed. We “RTFers”, by arrangement with the local police, carry high-strength OC spray and batons. If we have a full tactical alert and permission from the local LEOs we also have a Mossberg 500 with less-lethal rounds and two K-frame Smith .38s loaded with 158gr. LRN.Basically, the situation is that we get the call, we lock up the situation, put everything five by five, and cordon the area until the local authorities arrive. We’re cops, we just don’t get the glory. [Somehow, I imagine the real police wouldn’t agree”]I am not permitted to carry Glocks on duty; however, when my wife picks me up from work I strap on the “Deadly Duo” of a 27 and 23, each with Bar-Sto .357 bbl.I am writing a proposal to replace our current Mossberg-Smith armament with the following: quote:At this point, bullshit alarms started going off, and people started calling him on it. Here’s his response: Gecko45 posted:I do not understand the “joke” or the “Rambo.” I am in a high-risk job. It is not the Mall of America, but Ill tell you what its no podunk mall either.I am a responsible citizen who has made the choice to carry at all times. I defend others. If something happens at the Mall then I would be the hero, not those of you who are making fun of me for no reason. Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.My REAL problem is that, like any LEO, I have enemies because of my job. They may have access to high-powered rifles. My job starts and ends at the same time every day. Although I use four rotating routes to drive to and from work, I am still vulnerable during the walk to and from my car. This is the time that I load up on the trauma plates because I DO NOT WANT TO BE SHOT DEAD!Also, someone said that my Tac Team doesn’t get training. Not true. We meet at the range every night and shoot 400 rounds each through weapons that closely resemble our duty setup. We also practice unarmed combat. I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. I don’t think any of you are working as hard as I am to be prepared. I asked a serious question about tactical armor and I wanted a serious response. If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God. Gecko45 posted:We were previuosly restricted to .38’s and two Mossberg 500’s with less leathel rounds in them, but when our team saved the life and possibly the virginity of the Mayor’s nephew, there was a special relaxation of the rules made for us, due to the factt that the nepheew(who will remain nameless to rpevent a scandal) was saved by us using weapons better than our issue setup, so now we have good funding for gear for our jobs, and we needed to find relaible SMG’s, but the HK’s just wouldn’t cut it. Gecko45 posted:It was a hostage situation that was hushed up. The SWAT prettyboys were overpowered by the Gap, and we Backup RTF’ers had to resume our roles, and basically put everything five by five. The takedown was actually applied with SW weapons, SW3’s. It happened a while agao, and there is no way you would know what city I am in, so I can reveal these details, lets just say that the Mayor had really deep pockets to keep all of this out of the news. People aren’t so holy and upstanding when you get out your checkbook, they start to “forget” stuff, at least that what I understood happened. Seventh Arrow has a new favorite as of 13:16 on May 12, 2014 |
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May 12, 2014 13:13
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Nuclear War posted:I must have more, that is glorious Unfortunately, all I know about this walking second amendment is contained at the link. Oddly enough, one of the funniest things for me - despite all the gun porn and armour fetishization - is the little thing about using "modified electric vehicles and can be anywhere on a given floor within eight and a half minutes." I just keep imagining some zealous bug-eyed mall cop on a scooter ploughing through all the dudes in line at Dairy Queen.
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May 12, 2014 16:06
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You won't think it's so cute when she grows up to become the world's worst psychiatrist.
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May 20, 2014 05:31
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Warchicken posted:It seems like gas being flammable is a piece of information that comes before knowing what "google it bro There's no way that scenario can play out in my mind and not be completely absurd: "hey, you shouldn't be igniting open flames around gasoline, it's flammable" "haha you're lying (racist)" "no, just google it (darkie)" *is + gasoline + flammable* "oh noooo" VROOOOOOOOM
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May 23, 2014 21:18
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"means. Unless you're an African American gentleman.
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It's pretty much a dad joke for the Bible study crowd.
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May 29, 2014 03:33
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oldpainless posted:If someone uses their card, I ask for ID. Then I look from ID to card to person, card to person to id, scrutinize signatures to be sure they match, person to card, to ID, person to ID to card, recheck signatures, then move my head in a triangular shape for 30 seconds from ID to card to person. My eyes are suspicious during this entire process. 
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May 30, 2014 22:11
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Grrl Anachronism posted:It's from the tumblr of a crazy teenage girl who believes she captures pictures of ghosts beside her on the webcam from the macs in her school computer lab and that her friends can summon demons or ghosts or some bullshit. Pretty much nothing she says is believable. In the last thread, there were several pages posted about this woman who believed she had a relationship with Michael Hutchence and how they were secretly behind all the pop hits of the past 20/30 years. Like she would post about how her and Michael were hanging around Tori Amos and a glass broke and Michael said it would be cool if you could unbreak it and that led her to suggest the song "Unbreak My Heart," which became a hit for Tori. She posted stuff like that all the time, all unironically. I mean it was sad because she was obviously delusional, but it was like a STDH event horizon or something.
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Jun 1, 2014 01:13
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I like the way they have the open-mouthed bird behind him, as if screaming in distraught anguish. "Nooooooooooo!" or maybe "STELLAAAAAAAAAA"
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Jul 1, 2014 06:43
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I guess swallows have more of a dramatic flair than I initially thought!
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Jul 1, 2014 07:01
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Habeas fartus
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Jul 29, 2014 19:01
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moerketid posted:This so loving much. Especially if you have to tell people "I had a migraine, I could not move because I would vomit" and they're all "wtf how can headache make you sick" because the misuse is just so drat common. Also people who think that the flu is just a really bad cold.
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Aug 8, 2014 02:36
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