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December Octopodes posted:Hey I went and added some questions, I'd greatly appreciate some feedback. Alright buddy, here's the deal: I was getting bored a few sentences in and the entirety of the first paragraph didn't draw me in. I read the first four paragraphs, and am responding to that--sorry, but 3k words is too much to read after I've lost interest (if you punch up the intro, I might be willing to read more, I like fantasy). First Para: Story is from first person present, but first line is from past-perfect. This is two steps back, which is needlessly distancing, and uses more low-impact words like "had"--"The blade led me to the the city of Umbra." You say the blade led you, but then you say that visions, whispers, and awe brought you, sooooo? also, that list of things is long and kind of bland--very common fantasy trope of "I'd heard scary rumors" -- seeing stuff in visions/dreams and following up on it is also pretty common. These things can still be used, but be wary. "The trail I'm standing on is at it's [sic] peak" First off, its is possessive, it's is a contraction of it is. Second, woah double passive voice: i'm standing/trail is. Third: peak of what? what does "its" refer back to? The point? he's on the peak of a point? confused :/. Fourth, starting a story from a peak looking at a city below has been done a lot, or at least feels very, very cliched to me. "None of them had really prepared me for the reality" -- so, really/reality. These both are based on real. Try to avoid using them in the same sentence, especially when they are both pretty throw-away in context. Nothing prepared me for the reality" -- I can't think of another word for reality here, because I don't know what part of the reality he was unprepared for. The terrible stench? The giant demon guarding the bell tower? A permanent rainbow? A thousand bridges? Everyone is naked? No loving clue. Also, I have absolutely zero concept of the setting so far. It seems to be the standard (over-used) mediaeval English forest setting at this point. If you're going to have a paragraph where a dude (or lady?) does nothing but stand on a trail, look at a city, and step forward into the sun light/eclipse lack of light, please oh please give me something else interesting to read about. Oh, also, I guess there's the whole eclipse thing, that is part of the setting. So, I don't do this rigorously for all crits or for my own stories, but when you think you might have a lot of weak verbs (you do), I find it helpful to put them all in a list: had led, filled, had brought, am standing, is, lies, had heard, could, prepare, stand, can, see, shining, will be, stepping, vanishes, is. You can see, I hope, that there isn't a lot of action or movement here, and many of the verbs are rather bland--now I don't mean you should go out and find fancy verbs (e.g. eludicated--don't use this). But, note how a several are passive: is, will be, is. A few more are observational: had heard, see. Many others are actions done too the protagonist, rather than by the protagonist: had led, filled, had brought, prepare. The two most "interesting" verbs, shining and vanishing, actually apply to the sun. Both of these verbs are so often used with the sun, that they are no longer particularly interesting. FInally, you repeat the phrase "the City of Umbra" at least three times in this short paragraph. In the next paragraph you shorten it to just "the city" but it's not enough. Write in a way (probably changing the content of your writing as well) that does not require you to repeat this phrase over and over again. It is non-descriptive. It only tells me that Umbra is a city and it's named Umbra, repeatedly. After the first time, I already know that. Not helpful. Second para: More steps and stepping. Thinking about information he had received is a sure sign that we are about to get a bunch of facts dumped on us. "Ruled with an iron fist" is a cliche. Use of vanishes again--it sticks out. Evil sleeping and reawakening is a cliche, both the concept and describing it as such. Trail I'm standing on/path before me. Get rid of the first one, IMO, strange glowing plants is more interesting than being on the peak of something. This paragraph reeks of trying to world build in a hurry. It's not as bad as an exposition dump, but it's about the next level up when it comes to squeezing in setting information. Too little in para 1, too much in para 2, and still not enough action or characterization. Also, frankly, this description feels like it's pushing "omg weird" on the reader (strange glowing plants, unnatural shade, stranger lights) also you call fungi plants or vice-versa. Fungi are not plants. You've said merchants twice now. Very generic term, all fantasy stories have these generic merchants everywhere. Also generic farmers. Oh, you're following the path now, not just standing on it or looking at it before you. Third Para: basically same issues as 1 and 2, now you are clearly describing "woah look at this crazy market!" By this time I expect to have some solid information about the character, what he is doing, and why. What are his goals? So far he has wandered around and thought about information. River valley, walled city, city of thieves, vendors "hawking wares" (really, vendors hawking wares in a market? what a surprise!) are all overused and should be avoided if possible. Look for something more unique or make sure you have an extremely good reason for using these played out features. Also count how many times you use strange/stranger. It's a lot. I'm not totally sure a "background" exists in real life. Whispering in the background is like...hilarious stage direction. I don't trust your narrator to determine if two strangers are actually shouting as loud as they possibly could. Also that description is just lame. It doesn't add anything to "loud." The rest of the actions in this sentence are way more passive than necessary: had a giant grin, eyes were concealed. c.f "grinning maniacally" (actually that particular phrase is also a cliche, but you get the idea, I hope), wearing goggles (there is a better phrase for this too, but this is the simple phrase you are jumping around with "eyes were concealed behind these strange glasses" -- see, that's a lot more words and they don't really add anything. Except that the glasses are strange so go back to that count of strange words you used and see if it's really necessary to say it about these glasses, too. See, this is a fantasy world. What is strange to the narrator? The readers don't know. It's a cruddy description.) Okay, 4th paragraph is the best so far and is the first thing that makes me want to read more. Cut as much as possible before it, and I'll read more. quote:"Watch a black cat catch a black rat in the corner of a dark, dark room!" Right behind her a tall, thin, black man with a bald head and red glasses started yelling as well, "Don't listen to her! These glasses can catch a fly cheating on his wife in the darkest of alleys!" With every line they step closer. "Oh yeah? With these glasses you can count the hairs on a black mouse's tiny balls!" Another step. What's good in this paragraph is the dialogue, these are funny and intriguing ways to describe seeing in the darkness, plus now I'm pretty interested in why they need to see in the darkness--way better than when you were talking about shadows or a permanent eclipse and a Shadow (whatever that is in this world) reawakening. None of the description in this para is really that interesting. You probably need a bit of description to break up the dialogue, but it needs to be reworked. Curly hair and black and bald don't really identify the characters. The innate physical appearance of characters is one of the absolute least important things to describe, giving us practically no information about who they really are, their station in life, the role they play in the story, etc. This is especially true in the first few paragraphs of a fantasy novel where no physical descriptions have attached meaning. Like, in some books, magical people have purple eyes, or in a slightly better example that I have actually read, two different colored eyes. You can mention this about once before you explain what it means in the next sentence. From that point on, you can use the physical description of different colored eyes as a way of indicating special powers. Really though, that can end up being really silly (especially purple eyes. At this point if you're going to give something purple eyes it should be a mundane ork or something). This intro bit especially needs more characterization of the narrator and his/her goals. People nearly universally read for characters, and no matter how cool a city under a permanent eclipse with weird fly-eye honey-comb goggles is, if you don't give us a strong character to lead us through, we aren't going to follow.
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Jul 23, 2014 22:16
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 12:42 |
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Lead out in cuffs posted:e·lu·di·cate (v): to execute a particularly skilful or cunning escape. Thank you for elucidating my misspelling.
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Jul 30, 2014 08:23
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