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Izumi Konata posted:i know u like the back of a hairy palm. Isn't the back of your palm... inside your hand? Or are you referring to trees? Rather Dashing posted:
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Elsewhere a new villain raised his ugly head in ugliness. Nathan (or as the guys at the DnD club call him, "Gay Nate") sneered like the big fat jerk that he is, his face illuminated by the pale teal light of his computertop. The cheeto crumbs atop his left manboob and sweaty armpits shined/shown/showed in the light. His glow-in-the-dark anime tshirt glowed too. The Fantasy Restaurant website opened onscreen-- Nate did not use this website but after that idiot nerfherder ruined his last DnD campaign over which he had slaved and had so masterfully devised, as its DM... Gay Nate had to get some form of payback. This was the first of several revenges. The "Sonic & Pals Burger Bistro" page opens, and he begins typing his review: TotodileTears6@hotmail.com posted:"This place sucks. I took my family theyre and the burger was so charred I chipped a tooth. The baby started crying and vomiting as soon as she smelled the food. Save yourself some dollars, molars and infant fluids and STAY AWAY!!!" "Who's gay now?" Gay Nate jeered. (Gay Nate actually was openly homosexual so he was allowed to use the word "gay" to mean "lame", and Star War shirt guy was definitely lame/gay.) The mouse hovered over to one star. CLICK. It echoed through the dingy apartment like a computer mouse clicking in an echoey canyon Nameless_Steve fucked around with this message at 23:51 on Aug 9, 2014 |
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Aug 9, 2014 23:49
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This is some harrowing poo poo.
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Aug 10, 2014 01:55
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i nocked my harrow deadshot
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Aug 10, 2014 02:30
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One of the best threads ever
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Aug 10, 2014 02:38
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Wow
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Aug 10, 2014 03:05
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too long; didn't read
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Aug 10, 2014 04:21
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Eagerly awaiting more edit: posting from the gold mine
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Aug 10, 2014 04:26
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My new family sat at the table around me. Two young children sat to my right, I was unsure of their ages, but they appeared to be between the ages of Finn the Human and Finn the Human as a baby. Each youngling had a smile plastered on their faces and they were looking at me expectantly. My wife, Starlight, sat down to my left, the chair creaking beneath her sturdy frame. "Wow kids!" She said, rubbing her hands together the way people do when they are cold and other times as well, "This looks dee-lish!" I stared in dismay at the disappointing plate in front of me. I began mentally preparing my speech regarding the seven problems I had already identified when Starlight interrupted my thoughts. "Honey, please say grace"
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Aug 10, 2014 05:00
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My children and wife all bowed their heads waited. I looked down at my plate, unsure and confused. The plate of various meats and scrambled eggs steamed on the plate in front of me. The eggs billowing their pungent aroma of a bowel movement into my nostrils. I looked up to see my family still bowing, eyes shut, hands clasped together. Starlight reverse-winked one eye open and peeked up at me with her eyebrow making an arch shape above her open eye. I cleared my throat. "Thank you for... Richard Dawkins, and open source software... Amen" I said.
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Aug 10, 2014 05:17
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"Although to clarify, there probably is no god."
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Aug 10, 2014 05:18
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We ate breakfast. Starlight and the kids talked about various things such as various things that I didn't listen to. I pushed the food around on my plate, but first I placed the scrambled eggs into my napkin and balled them up. "I will not be eating this" I said, pointing to the napkin. I gained better control of my hands, I was able to adequately grasp a fork and negotiate pieces of bacon into my mouth with minimal amounts dropped. Life began to make sense again, here we were, a family. A happy family. A wife, kids... I counted them... two kids. A house, a large house. We even had a pantry with a frosted glass door. I nodded silently to myself, yes, this was right, this is how it was supposed to be. The morning sun shone cheerfully in through large, picture windows. Outside, the ground black with an endless sea of motionless birds, each and every one silently staring directly at me.
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Aug 10, 2014 05:26
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do you have something on your face?
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Aug 10, 2014 05:57
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Rodatose posted:do you have something on your face? That's his beak. He's actually a bird.
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Aug 10, 2014 05:58
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If you've ever played minesweeper on the highest difficulty level and beat it, like I have, you will know exactly what I am talking about when I explain what happened next. One second, my wife's face was smiling, and the next second, she was making a small 'O' shape with her mouth, just like the little face at the top of the minesweeper screen when you click on a tile. Her face came closer and closer to mine and then she placed her lips that were still making the 'O' shape on my cheek.
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Aug 10, 2014 06:07
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My children cleaned the dished off of the table, shooing a few birds away as they did so. My wife followed them into the kitchen, and I was finally left alone. I carefully reached up and lifted my glasses from my nose. You could say that they are a very specific prescription because they are. Although I have very steady nerves, my new hands betrayed me and smashed the lenses to fragments when the bird at my elbow let out a sudden screech. 
a star war betamax fucked around with this message at 23:17 on Aug 14, 2014 |
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Aug 10, 2014 06:16
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"Autistic hallucination" may be my new favorite genre
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Aug 10, 2014 06:40
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John Liver posted:"Autistic hallucination" may be my new favorite genre Yeah. This poo poo is amazing. On the first page I thought "The birds are a metaphor for twitter" or something. Holy poo poo was I wrong. This poo poo is art.
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Aug 10, 2014 08:26
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The visible world around me blurred and swirled and warped and twisted just like when you drink too many alcoholic drinks in the critically acclaimed Red Dead Redemption video game. I began shuffling towards the kitchen, and slammed my shin into the edge of a chair. I reeled back in agony and jabbed my calf into the corner of something sharp and hard. I stifled a yelp and twisted by body sideways in a sudden twisting motion, my lower back popping and creaking like a Dr. Pepper can that is also being twisted in a sudden twisting motion. "Uuugh!" I said a star war betamax fucked around with this message at 14:30 on Aug 10, 2014 |
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Aug 10, 2014 14:00
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Luckily, I have a perfect sense of balance because I was born with very sensitive inner ears. There is a part inside your ear called "the snail shell", and inside there are billions of tiny hairs, when the fluid inside the "snail shell" flows back and forth, it rubs against these hairs, and sends a message to your brain explaining which direction you are moving. I say all that to say this: I theorize that I was born with roughly double the amount of hairs in my snail shell. While this gift has a few draw backs, the primary one being that I get very motion sick and vomit frequently, but it also has many benefits. For instance, I can precisely know when I am falling over. Thanks to my special ability, I could sense my body toppling over, the wind rushing past me, my arms flailing. I twisted my body mid-fall, like a cat, and my face crashed into the edge of the table. This helped slow down my decent but it did not stop it. I continued falling, my inner ears sending perfectly timed messages to my brain. I could calculate the exact angle my body formed with the ground at that precise second which actually was a very sharp angle because right then I slammed into the unyielding tile floor.
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Aug 10, 2014 14:10
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I have often shaken my head in disbelief when I saw news reports about returning soldiers who had PTSD but now I understood what it was like to go through horrible trauma and I could identify with them. But it was the ultimate injustice of this world that they would receive medals and accolades and free health care, and a hand shake from the President, while I received nothing. This trauma was mine to bear alone.
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Aug 10, 2014 14:15
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Groaning and whimpering in pain, I began to massage my bruised and battered face and that was when I realized that the razor-sharp bits of glass from my shattered spectacles were embedded in the soft denim of my hands.
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Aug 10, 2014 14:18
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As my already blurry vision filled with blood and darkness, I could just make out a small, black creature perched on my chest, its red eyes peering at me, a quiet clucking coming from its throat. "What is the deal... with all these birds?" I muttered, mouth full of broken teeth. I fell into the sweet release of unconsciousness.
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Aug 10, 2014 14:23
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Aug 10, 2014 14:27
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Aug 10, 2014 14:52
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poo poo is about to go down 
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Aug 10, 2014 15:29
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Thanks to my impeccable internal clock, when I eventually awoke, I knew that precisely four to eight hours had elapsed.
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Aug 10, 2014 15:38
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Don't forget... dig dug... dig dug... you know what you must do. Kill you're famil;... the bond between you and Matt's evil that comes from your childhood... and the birds, evil summons of the wandering, vengeful spirit of your former friend will go away.
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Aug 10, 2014 15:38
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My head was swathed in bandages, and my skull pounded with each painful pulse. I felt around myself and found that I was laying in a very comfortable bed, wrapped in warm, soft sheets. "Oh, you're awake" said a female voice from somewhere to my left. "You got a pretty nasty bump there Mr.. uh" I could detect the faint rustling of papers "I'll be right back" She said, and I could hear her footsteps leaving the room "Dr....Pepper..." I tried to say. But my jaw was wired shut.
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Aug 10, 2014 15:44
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a starwar betamax posted:If you've ever played minesweeper on the highest difficulty level and beat it, like I have, you will know exactly what I am talking about when I explain what happened next.
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Aug 10, 2014 19:59
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I'd make a clever comparison to a well known author if I read books.
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Aug 10, 2014 23:32
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Frackie Robinson posted:I'd make a clever comparison to a well known author if I read books. It reads like a bad millennial resume
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Aug 11, 2014 01:45
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a starwar betamax posted:If you've ever played minesweeper on the highest difficulty level and beat it, like I have, you will know exactly what I am talking about when I explain what happened next. holy poo poo
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Aug 11, 2014 04:56
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John Liver posted:"Autistic hallucination" may be my new favorite genre
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Aug 11, 2014 14:29
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a starwar betamax posted:If you've ever played minesweeper on the highest difficulty level and beat it, like I have, you will know exactly what I am talking about when I explain what happened next.
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Aug 11, 2014 17:18
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did somebody eherhmm say this account took a harrowingh nngmmhr turn
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Aug 11, 2014 19:57
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a starwar betamax posted:Luckily, I have a perfect sense of balance because I was born with very sensitive inner ears.
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Aug 12, 2014 04:02
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I started my GO Joe collection when I was only five years old. Even at that young of an age, I knew how important they were, I knew how valuable they would be to me later. Little did I know then how my collection would grow. What began as, frankly, a dismally small set of thirty-five figures and three vehicles, soon grew into a veritable army. I would have to check my spreadsheet to be certain, but my collection now reaches into the thousands. It is the thing I have accomplished with my life that I am probably the most proud of. Laying in a hospital bed, face mangled and bandaged, half-blind, throbbing in pain, most men would become preoccupied with their fate, worried about their condition. I, however, am of a sounder mind than this, I instead spent my time mentally packing and unpacking my perfect collection of GI Joe figures and memorabilia.
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Aug 12, 2014 13:36
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"lunch time!" Said a female voice at my side as she slid a rubber tube between my wired-shut jaws and the snaked it down through my esophagus which is the part of your neck that is on the inside of your neck. I then heard her switch on a machine that began forcefully pumping liquid into my stomach.
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Aug 12, 2014 13:40
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| # ? May 2, 2024 05:50 |
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"Let's turn the TV on." The voice said. "...In other news, the level of the blood sea has dropped another five feet today in what appears to be..." "...call now to..." "...are you suffering from acute bird paranoia, or ABP? If you are like the millions of..." The sound of the pump rose in volume and drown out the TV, sounding like a freight train along a track knee-deep in spaghetti. What I am trying to say is that it made a chugga-chugga sound that also had a gurgling, wet quality to it. "Oh geez, it always does this."
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Aug 12, 2014 13:47
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