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4 The Cause
Aug 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 722 days!
I am 26 years old and have accomplished nothing in life. I flunked out of college, still live at home, and haven't had a job in a while. I talked my parents into loaning me money to move to another city and join the police academy. They paid 2,100 dollars for the academy, and got me an apartment for 490 a month in a seven month lease. I was supposed to start in July, but I had too much anxiety and couldn't make myself go to class. For the past few weeks I have been surfing the internet, playing video games, and hanging out with some of the neighborhood kids, one of whom I am falling in love with(I know). I have turned into a complete pig. Drinking Mad Dog 20 and smoking lovely dirt weed. I cry every time my mother calls, because she is so excited and thinks I am finally turning my life around. She is already planning a graduation party, and telling everyone in the family what I am doing. What the gently caress am I going to do, when this academy is over, and I have nothing to show for it? I know I should just come clean, but this is honestly the most stress free and happy I have been since middle school. I have been thinking about telling them I was kicked out for fighting or insubordination. I never wanted to be a police officer anyway, I always wanted to work in the film industry.

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Third
Sep 9, 2004
The most noble title any child can have.

4 The Cause posted:

I have turned into a complete pig.

I thought you said you weren't going to the police academy.

Cursed Lumberjack
Nov 14, 2006
A rather unfortunate logger indeed.

4 The Cause posted:

I have turned into a complete pig. Drinking Mad Dog 20 and smoking lovely dirt weed. I cry every time my mother calls, because she is so excited and thinks I am finally turning my life around.

quote:

this is honestly the most stress free and happy I have been since middle school.

drat dude well it seems you have it all figured out I'd recommend just keeping this whole deal going on because you seem pretty content with it all. You don't even really need our help here; you've got this poo poo on lock-down.

Keep it up brother.

MoreLikeTen
Oct 21, 2012

The farmer's mistake was believing he had any control over his life.

returnh posted:

I thought you said you weren't going to the police academy.

5

Cursed Lumberjack
Nov 14, 2006
A rather unfortunate logger indeed.

returnh posted:

I thought you said you weren't going to the police academy.

I'm glad that I missed out on the first post if this is what came out of it.

DrManiac
Feb 29, 2012

Just buy a police uniform op. Then you can just pretend to be a cop when you're around your parents and get some acting experience and have a prop for potential film jobs.




That's a win win win situation.

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."
Hi Jon Pop

Bip Roberts
Mar 29, 2005
Can you make sound effects?

Magnus Gallant
Mar 9, 2010

by Lowtax
Grimey Drawer
You are a lazy shithead. Your anxiety is made up by brain cells inside your head. Get over it pussy.

Trash Trick
Apr 17, 2014

That's rough op. There's no way you could kill your parents without anyone knowing right? Like just murder them and take over their estate? Otherwise you're probably in for some tough times..sorry man.

Horseshoe theory
Mar 7, 2005

DrManiac posted:

Just buy a police uniform op. Then you can just pretend to be a cop when you're around your parents and get some acting experience and have a prop for potential film jobs.

Or, alternatively, end up in jail for impersonating an officer, which will (ostensibly) keep you away from your parents.

PT6A
Jan 5, 2006

Public school teachers are callous dictators who won't lift a finger to stop children from peeing in my plane
You sound like a really, really terrible person. Not because you couldn't bring yourself to go to class (that's not good, though) but because you're lying to your parents who are supporting you financially. You should probably tell them sooner rather than later, so they can never, ever invest in your future again, if that's how you treat them.

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."
Tell us about the gang rape you instigated

Trash Trick
Apr 17, 2014

PT6A posted:

You sound like a really, really terrible person. Not because you couldn't bring yourself to go to class (that's not good, though) but because you're lying to your parents who are supporting you financially. You should probably tell them sooner rather than later, so they can never, ever invest in your future again, if that's how you treat them.

Lying doesn't make you a bad person. He's actually bringing his parents joy by lying to them, for now.

4 The Cause
Aug 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 722 days!

PT6A posted:

You sound like a really, really terrible person. Not because you couldn't bring yourself to go to class (that's not good, though) but because you're lying to your parents who are supporting you financially. You should probably tell them sooner rather than later, so they can never, ever invest in your future again, if that's how you treat them.

The lease is locked in for seven months, so me leaving the apartment, would just be a waste of money. I feel like they kind of owe me, because they forced me to go to college right out of high school when I wasn't ready, and that's what led to my first breakdown, and mental illness issues. I also gained a lot of weight from stress eating and depression. I was always in pretty good shape before than, but after that, my body never recovered.

Darkman Fanpage
Jul 4, 2012

a cop posted:

Lying doesn't make you a bad person. He's actually bringing his parents joy by lying to them, for now.

lying is actually one of the things that does make you a bad person hth

Trash Trick
Apr 17, 2014

Darkman Fanpage posted:

lying is actually one of the things that does make you a bad person hth

I'm sorry you aren't a functioning adult but lying is a part of life :)

Horseshoe theory
Mar 7, 2005

4 The Cause posted:

I feel like they kind of owe me, because they forced me to go to college right out of high school when I wasn't ready

":qq: They forced me to consider a future beyond being a professional stock boy/fry cook! :qq:"

advanced statsman
Dec 26, 2012

ISLAM FC

4 The Cause posted:

The lease is locked in for seven months, so me leaving the apartment, would just be a waste of money. I feel like they kind of owe me, because they forced me to go to college right out of high school when I wasn't ready, and that's what led to my first breakdown, and mental illness issues. I also gained a lot of weight from stress eating and depression. I was always in pretty good shape before than, but after that, my body never recovered.

Holy poo poo, they truly are monsters. I can only imagine how hard must have been, being forced to go to college, getting depressed and gaining weight from all the cheetos you ate watching anime. Have you thought about suing them? They clearly ruined your life. Wow.

DrManiac
Feb 29, 2012

I'm pretty sure the op is a troll now from the responses but whatever. How old are 'the kids in the neighborhood'?

4 The Cause
Aug 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 722 days!

DrManiac posted:

I'm pretty sure the op is a troll now from the responses but whatever. How old are 'the kids in the neighborhood'?

Late teens, and a few 20 year olds.

Magnus Gallant
Mar 9, 2010

by Lowtax
Grimey Drawer
How fat are you? Like 300+ pounds?

4 The Cause
Aug 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 722 days!

Magnus Gallant posted:

How fat are you? Like 300+ pounds?

Around 200

Horseshoe theory
Mar 7, 2005

You ever consider liposuction?

Trash Trick
Apr 17, 2014

ThirdPartyView posted:

You ever consider liposuction?

Good point. He could just tell his parents that he failed the physical exam once it got to that point, because he's too fat. So he needs money for lipo and money to re-apply.

Aggressive pricing
Feb 25, 2008
Are you in an actual police academy or a police foundations course at some college? How pathetic are your academies if they'll take any fat sack of crap off the street?

Magnus Gallant
Mar 9, 2010

by Lowtax
Grimey Drawer

How many mad dogs do you drink a day? A week?

Cursed Lumberjack
Nov 14, 2006
A rather unfortunate logger indeed.
You've gotta push it from here, don't look back. Next time you talk to your mom, break the news that you got recruited for SpecOps by a trainer who was in town last week. Buy an elaborate get-up with your parents money, including night-vision goggles and a bunch of body armor. Every time you see them, make sure you're in full uniform and talk about how you just got back from "bullseyeing some womp rats in my T16" and how you "totally had a boner the whole time."

Eventually they'll stop wanting to be around you but they can't disown a soldier without looking like bad americans so bam you are loving scott free.

Jack B Nimble
Dec 25, 2007


Soiled Meat
Get a job, repay your parents, tell them you quit the academy.

Ponce de Le0n
Jul 6, 2008

Father jailed for beating 3 kids after they wouldn't say who farted in his car

4 The Cause posted:

I never wanted to be a police officer anyway, I always wanted to work in the film industry.

Maybe you could write the police academy reboot

4 The Cause
Aug 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 722 days!

ThirdPartyView posted:

":qq: They forced me to consider a future beyond being a professional stock boy/fry cook! :qq:"

I WAS NOT READY! I barely made it through High school with my sanity. I was breaking down, and needing therapy, and medicine. But my father gave me an ultimatum. Go further than you have ever been in your life by yourself, or join the military where breaking down can result in sock beatings, death on the battlefield, and being put in military prison. I just feel like if he had given me my space and let me make my own choices, I would be a completely different man right now. poo poo im not even a man yet, for intents and purposes I am still a boy.

Bip Roberts
Mar 29, 2005

4 The Cause posted:

I WAS NOT READY! I barely made it through High school with my sanity. I was breaking down, and needing therapy, and medicine. But my father gave me an ultimatum. Go further than you have ever been in your life by yourself, or join the military where breaking down can result in sock beatings, death on the battlefield, and being put in military prison. I just feel like if he had given me my space and let me make my own choices, I would be a completely different man right now. poo poo im not even a man yet, for intents and purposes I am still a boy.

Owned by pop.

spunkshui
Oct 5, 2011



Get a loving job, attend NA meetings, quit the weed, apologies to parents, start working out, and thank God you started doing all this at 26.

Tell them you quit, be brutally honest with yourself too, all this happened because you acted like a lazy poo poo.

Time to man up son.

You tried lying and being lazy, that life sucks.

Ponce de Le0n
Jul 6, 2008

Father jailed for beating 3 kids after they wouldn't say who farted in his car

Bip Roberts posted:

Owned by pop.

His probations imply the mods think he's jon pop

Why did you stop washing yourself op?

spunkshui
Oct 5, 2011



4 The Cause posted:

I WAS NOT READY! I barely made it through High school with my sanity. I was breaking down, and needing therapy, and medicine. But my father gave me an ultimatum. Go further than you have ever been in your life by yourself, or join the military where breaking down can result in sock beatings, death on the battlefield, and being put in military prison. I just feel like if he had given me my space and let me make my own choices, I would be a completely different man right now. poo poo im not even a man yet, for intents and purposes I am still a boy.

Nope, your a man. Have been for a long time now.

You have just been ignoring it.

You don't have to do what your parents tell you to. You were just too lazy to do anything other then just that.

Who is preventing you from working?

Magnus Gallant
Mar 9, 2010

by Lowtax
Grimey Drawer

Ponce de Le0n posted:

His probations imply the mods think he's jon pop

Why did you stop washing yourself op?

Who is jon pop?

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

a cop posted:

I'm sorry you aren't a functioning adult but lying is a part of life :)

expected response from a cop

Dandywalken
Feb 11, 2014

Was gonna join the Army, but then I watched a mean documentary on Vice about Sock Beatings. Changed my life.

spacetimecontinuu
Dec 31, 2004

Bip Roberts posted:

Can you make sound effects?

basically what I was coming here to post. OP how long you gonna keep up the show for?

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Salt Fish
Sep 11, 2003

Cybernetic Crumb
Honestly you sound like a great candidate for the force and I think you could be a real role model for society.

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