- lambeth
- Aug 31, 2009
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I probably wasted my time, but below is a line-by-line. Look, Benny, all the grammatical issues remaining aside, this is not a piece that is going to get accepted by a real lit mag. Why? Because it's a giant cliche, which everyone has read a million times before. There is nothing interesting or a new twist on the cliche here; it's just a paint-by-numbers "babby's first horror story" work. Put this in a drawer and go write more stories and you will help yourself far more than sending this out somewhere.
This is my final prompt. Hopefully it's fit to submit.
False God
(1732 words)
My name is Jordancomma needed here and I’m here trying to convince my Dad to leave a death cult.missing paragraph break here
“Dad, please,” I plead with him as he bows in front of the macabre shrine of Santa Muerte. “Please, we miss you.” My words fall on deaf ears as he keeps worshiping at the foot of the shrine.
Santa Muerte is the local deity of death and mortality whose image is a corrupted version of Our Lady of Guadalupe;incorrect use of a semi-colon--see my note in my last post a skeletal woman clad in robes, wearing a crucifix around her neck. In her right hand, she wields a scythe ready to harvest soulscomma while in her leftcomma she holds a globe, symbolizing her dominion over all. Like my Dad,dad doesn't need to be capitalized here other worshipers are presenting their tributes of flowers, incense, and candles at the feet of the shrine while praying for her blessings and forgiveness.
The shrine itself isn’t like a proper church, one with pews, a pulpit, or even a pastor. It’s an empty room, no bigger than my church’s humble-sizedthis is a very cliche fantasy novel adjective, use something else instead recreation hall. The floor is bare and there’s nothing else except the worshipers, their offerings, and the idol itself. It’s rather eerie, in retrospect,wait, what? your story is in present tense but "in retrospect" implies it's in the past how these cultists can hold services with such minimalism while what I’m used to involves much, much, more structure and regalia. It’s clear that their faith is so strong that they do not require the sorts of rituals and processions that I and many of my fellow believers in the one, true God are accustomed to.missing paragraph break
"Dad, please," I try again, but he won't budge. An enraged person walks inside and storms towards the idol. "Father Aguilar?"
Father Aguilar is the priest of our local parish. In recent months, with the drug violence escalating, worship in the false god Santa Muerte has reached a fever-pitch as dozens upon dozens of members of our church have left--my Dad included, when my Mom died in a cartel shootout.the part after the dash sounds clunky Like everybody else, he's become disillusioned in his faith in God. Now they all seek solace in the macabre idol in front of me. In response, Father Aguilar is now on a righteous crusade against Santa Muerte worship. I’ve never seen Father Aguilar so angry in my life. His eyes are absent of the love and caring he usually has for his flock--they’re instead filled with fire and brimstone.boring cliche He immediately makes his way to the front and stands next to the false idol.
“Get down from there, padre!” a cultist shouts.this is grammatically incorrect--either the exclamation point needs to be replaced by a comma or this needs to be split into two sentences "How dare you desecrate our Lady's shrine!" shouts another.different speakers go in different paragraphs
“Shrine? Blasphemy!” Father Aguilar exclaims. “This is not a shrine, it's a pagan idol! And all of you are dooming yourselves to a life of damnation and hellfire!”bornig cliche
“Who are you to tell us who we can and can't worship?” a cultist asks angrily.
“Exodus 20, verse five,” he quotes to the crowd. “'You shall not worship or serve a false idol; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God!'”
“Where was your God when my wife was kidnapped by the Cartel?"cartel is not capitalized, nor is the m in myMy Dad shouted at him. "She's dead now!” Everyone else roars in agreement.
“Please!” Father Aguilar pleads with the crowd. “I ask you, why worship death when you should instead worship our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, who died for your sins to ensure us all everlasting life?”
“Get him out of here,” someone elsewho? says as the cult rises and forces him away from the idol.
“Please, listen to my words! Salvation lies not in false gods, but in the one true God!”
His words falling on deaf ears, I follow Father Aguilar outside as he’s thrown out the building. He kneels to the ground with his hands covering his face as he makes a silent prayer of despair. “Father Aguilar?” I askmissing punctuation mark
“Jordan!” Father Aguilar turns and hugs me. “What are you doing here, my son?”need paragraph break here
I drop my head in shame. “My Dad’s in there. I’ve been trying for the longest time to get him out, but.…”I don't know what you typed here, but double-check what your auto-correct does
“I know, son,” he says and wraps his arm around me.
“Father, this cult has him in their grasp and I have no idea how to get him out.”need paragraph break here
“Don't lose faith, Jordan, the Lord will help us find a way.”
I give him a half-hearted smile. “But Father, it's not like we can call fire down from the heavens.”
The Storystory isn't capitalized of Elijah and the false prophets was my favorite in the Bible. In the story, Elijah challenges them by having two altars built to see who'swhose, not who's god would send fire from the heavens first.I don't think the reference explanation really adds anything to the story I was joking, but Father Aguilar stares at me.mixed tenses in this sentence "Wh-Whatwrong type of dash here--you need an em-dash here, not a regular one are you thinking, Father?" I asks.Seriously? And you want to get published?
“Does your father still have his gun?”
“YeahCOMMA--I don't understand how you can put in Oxford commas, but not this but it's for killing coyotes. Why-”em-dash needed here, not this - dash
“Go get it and bring it here.”
My house is a block away, so I run as fast as I can to get my Dad’s shotgun. I return with the gun and see Father Aguilar holding a gas can. I nod at him, knowing exactly what he has in mind.
We walk into the shrine, surrounded on all sides by angry cultists. Before a single person can rise up in anger, I fire a single shot in the air. Everyone jumps and backs away from us as I hold the gun out and pan it around. As I corral the cult,lol, what Father Aguilar positions himself next to the idol of Santa Muerte.
“In Second Kings, the prophet Ezekiel challenged the false prophets of Baal by seeing whose God would send fire from the heavens first,” he sayscomma while dousing statue of Santa Muerte in gas. “Let's see if your god would stand my test of fire!”that doesn't make grammatical sense
He pulls out a lighter and ignites the gas-soaked idol. But as soon as it erupts in flames, it extinguishes. The eyes of the statue flash blood-red. I hear a raspy snarl and from the statue and somethingwhat exactly? escapes from it. It appears as a giant miasma made up entirely of what I can’t even properly fathom. The miasma is comprised of human figures, complete with faces and bodies. Faces of the young and the old, all of them contorted and stretched out in pure agony, all of them unified in a single, horrifying, unholy scream. I find myself so transfixed in this demonic force, that I’m completely frozen in fear.transfixed followed by completely frozen is redundant. also, this would only be more cliche if it were satan himself.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” Father Aguilar exclaims as the spirits surround him in a shrieking whirlwind. Skeletal hands, outstretched into claws, grab onto him and tether themselves on him like streamers onto a may pole.if you don't already, i would recommend reading your stories out-loud. this simile just sounds goofy. Their wailing is now louder and higher like an infernal orchestra, and it’s led by their unseen and incomprehensiblethis adjective doesn't work here, try a different "ghostly" adjective conductor. They then fly inside him, absorbing themselves within his body. After a moment of deathly silence, Father Aguilar screams in agony and bursts into hellfire.how would the reader know it's hellfire vs. regular fire? The smell of burned flesh and fat fills the air as the flames dissipate. Nothing of Father Aguilar remains except a blackened skeleton which collapses into a pile of ash. The spirits escape from the pile and return from once they came, inside the idol.you're writing this out as if it was a movie, not a written story
Everybody else gasps in terror. I want to run as fast as I cancomma but I’m too busy trying to keep my palpitatingdon't use ten-dollar words when "beating" is just fine here heart from bursting from my chest and escaping my body in pure terror. Locking eyes with the demonic idol, I turn my Dad's shotgun on myself and wrap my finger around the trigger. I no longer fear for my immortal soul for I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am damned.
A glint of light catches my eyes and I look down towards my chest. I’m wearing my rosary around my neck. And it’s glowing.cliche
I grab my cross as another host of spirits escape from the idol. I wrap my fingers around it tightly and I feel a warmth flowing through my hand, coursing through my veins, radiating around me.cliche The spirits dissipate around my aurawhat aura? the rosary's? and I hear the idol snarl. The spirits now collect themselves and transform. They take the form of a beast--a gargantuan, satanic-looking dragon with giant wings and glowing red eyes. It spreads its wings and roars at me.boring cliche.
My rosary isn’t just a simple cross--it’s a symbol of my belief, my conviction, and my child-like faith in the grace and love of my savior, Jesus Christ.zzz It is that which Santa Muerte, in all her demonic power and dominion over death, can never extinguish. The light that surrounds me forms into the full armor of God--the breastplate of truth protects my heart, the belt of truth is buckled around my waist, and my feet are fitted with the readiness that comes in the gospel of peace.lol, this is bad, and i have no idea what readiness has to do with the gospel of peace. also, you used truth for both the breastplate and belt. The dragon takes a deep breath and spews hellfire from its gaping maw. I take up my shield of faith and hold it aloft, blocking the flames entirely. Before the dragon can get its second wind, I tighten my helmet of righteousness on my head and draw my sword of the spirit, ready to confront the evil one.this isn't a morality work from the 1700s; this kind of thing just comes off as eye-rolling
I run up and swing my sword at its mouth, cutting into its nose. The dragon recoils in pain, lifting its head and snarling at me. With its soft underbelly exposed, I cry out in rage and rush towards it with my sword pointed out, stabbing it. The dragon screams in pain while I hold the sword tight in both hands and lift it overhead, cutting further into its vile belly to disembowel it.boring cliche
The dragon lets out a fatal scream and collapses. Everything from the spirits that formed it to my faith that formed my armor evaporates.unnecessary detail, remove The shrine explodes and fragments. I cover my face as I feel the fragments cutting into my skin. I now stand in front of a whole crowd of people, covered in dust and bits of stone, whose faces are transfixed upon me in fearsome awe.
They bow. They chant my name. They repeat it, over and over again. My eyes gape. My body is covered in cold sweat, stinging into my open cuts. I see my Dadagain, dad isn't capitalized unless used as a name bowing in front of me. Now the horror truly dawns upon me--I have finally become the one thing I fear and despise the most, I have become a false god. I scream as I hear a raspy voice laughing triumphantly in my ear.super-boring cliche
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Oct 9, 2014 22:01
