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Grammatical fine-tuning aside, let's take a gander at the core building blocks of your story. I'm aware I'm probably wasting my time, but after all the stuff you've pulled here and in IRC I feel like we need an ultimatum. I will not look over anything else you have ever or will ever write, Benny, until you have demonstrated to me that you've read this post and internalized its points. Your protagonist is Jordan, presumably a young man, whose father has turned to a death cult following the cross-fire murder of his wife. Not just him, either, but a good number of people. Enough to empty the local parish. But Jordan wants his father out, so this becomes our driving force. There are four characters at the heart of this story: Jordan, Jordan's dad, Father Aguilar, and the demon Santa Muerte. Jordan is religious, cares about his father (though apparently only his father), and that is pretty much everything we know about him. Everyone else fares worse. Jordan's father ends up a footnote. Father Aguilar is a cardboard cut-out of a Catholic priest. The demon is monstrous but in a very video gamey way. None of these characters are particularly interesting, engaging, or even off-puttingly compelling. Jordan has been trying to convince his father to leave this cult for some time. Father Aguilar has been trying to squash the cult. Neither of them demonstrate much in the way of theological rhetoric, the two of them content to demand people stop because they were asked to. That sort of naivety doesn't speak well of either of them. Finally they strike up the idea to emulate the story of Elijah, which is just about the only remotely interesting thing anyone in this story attempts. Sadly, it turns out to be a wash, the good priest vaporized for his troubles. (Father Aguilar's death is almost almost interesting if only by implication. Either Santa Muerte's power is real but God's is not, Santa Muerte's power trumps God's, or Father Aguilar's faith/reasoning in his actions are more muddled than Jordan perceives. Since a paragraph down Jordan's rosary gives him mystical powers which still fail to slay the beast "Laughing triumphantly in [his] ear," the answer appears to be the second choice - his apparent victory little more than a spiritual electrical light show) His rosary clutched to his chest, Jordan defeats the demon Father Aguilar could not, only for everyone in attendance to turn to him as their new idol. Quite the predicament! Actually, this sounds pretty familiar. Let's check out what the Good Book has to say about the matter. The Bible, Acts 14: 8-18 posted:In Lystra there sat a man who was lame. He had been that way from birth and had never walked. He listened to Paul as he was speaking. Paul looked directly at him, saw that he had faith to be healed and called out, “Stand up on your feet!” At that, the man jumped up and began to walk. Also, this is tangential, but why did Jordan think he was damned earlier on when Father Aguilar got barbequed? Scared I get, but damned? If merely witnessing a demon in action is enough to drat someone, quite a few fairly important Biblical figures would be damned by association. Let's loop back to the beginning here, chart this whole thing out. Jordan's mom dies, Jordan's dad joins a death cult. Jordan tries to get his dad to leave the cult without success. Father Aguilar is introduced and also revealed to have failed. Alright. The scope and stakes of the story are set. Jordan and Father Aguilar conspire to enact a loose interpretation of a famous Biblical story. For a fleeting moment it looks like they are successful, only for all hell to break loose. Father Aguilar is killed. Rising action, complication; the story is now at its emotional peak. It's all on Jordan now. In this, his darkest hour, he turns to the Lord, and gains the necessary Mario power-ups required to emerge victorious. BUT IT WAS ALL A RUSE. Jordan turns to find himself the new false idol these people now worship, and despairs. The demon taunts him from beyond. The story is finished. Generally speaking, most stories (especially short stories) can be divided into three acts. The protagonist wants something, works for it, then succeeds or fails. Pretty simple, though not necessarily satisfying on its own. I want a glass of water, so I go get one. I fill up a cup and drink it. I feel refreshed. That's a story alright, but who cares? This is why, typically, you introduce complications. The protagonist wants something, but some external or internal force complicates matters. They work towards their goal, but it's not as easy as they might've hoped. Finally they succeed (or fail) by overcoming (or succumbing) to the previously alluded to internal or external factors in a way that is interesting. In your case, Benny, your protagonist fails. Okay. That's fine in and of itself, but WHY does he fail? In this case it's because the demon is effectively all-powerful, only granting him the brief illusion of victory. He never stood a chance. He would have accomplished exactly as much by staying in bed today. That isn't satisfying. He loses because the game says he loses, not because he failed a challenge or fell victim to his flaws. Shoot man, he didn't even botch a dice roll. This wasn't even bad luck. Insert concluding remarks here. No tl;dr. I've already given you over a thousand words of advice on this story, which is probably more than it deserved.
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Oct 30, 2014 00:16
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| # ¿ May 21, 2024 04:23 |
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Fair-weather publishing houses, the new boogieman CC. Check your closets. Also your mail slot.
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Nov 2, 2014 04:52
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