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I like the basic ideas at work here, but it lacks important details, and the re-write, from what I skimmed over, seems to address this by telling rather than showing. The opening line draws me in, but it's a bit sparse, which is a common observation I made. I'd open the story with the description of the altar and the crowd. Take your time a bit, use the descriptor to start forming some sense of personality for our narrator. Showcase a bit of his sense of self in how he views a church and its procession. Since there's only one real set piece to this story, taking a couple paragraphs to really explore what this church looks and sounds and smells like would be a good use of space, especially since you have no need to really detail the faceless crowd of worshipers. You lack description where I feel it is needed. What do these spirits look like? I think ghosts, certainly, but a few details would go a long way. Like "whisps of fog rose from the padre's feet, vague claws tugging at his robes, skeletal grins rising from the mist." or something like that. Give them some sort of imagery. I also dislike the name "Santa Muerte", if only because I feel it is too "on the nose" although I am well-aware that there are similar actual idols and names that exist in Mexico right now. But "Saint Death" is a bit lacking in any poetry for my taste. Personally, I'd have the patron of death be, perhaps, something like La Llarona, a folk-maiden deified, or an actual victim of murder also sanctified, or perhaps a historical figure associated with the drug war, or even just something like "The Lady of Decay" for a bit more flair. I'd reccomend making taking a stream-of-consciousness route for the climax as well, to indicate the narrator's increasing loss of sanity in the face of his faith being burned away. It would cement the fear too.
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Sep 25, 2014 20:16
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| # ¿ May 20, 2024 23:31 |
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