|
I'm going to guess that some of you goons have found a lifelong DnD partner and moved in with them. I'm looking forward to moving in with my LT but long distance sweetheart very soon. I'm 29 years old, and my partner is as well. I've been out of my parent's house since I was 20, going away to college, then a study abroad semester half way across the world, and then to a major city after graduating. He commuted to school all 6 years it took for him to get his BA, and then the three years he worked various retail jobs. He took an EMT course, and now he's heading out to live with me, having secured a job out here. I've lived with people for a long time. I've never actually lived with an SO before. What are some pointers for things like: 1 - Household chores 2 - Home tidiness 3 - Pets (his cat is a revenge pisser, and eats dry in the morning, wet in the evening; mine gets a dry bowl out all day, plus half wet in the AM, half in the PM). 3 - Bills (does rent go half and half; I make more money, should I be paying more?) >> He's lived exclusively in his mom's house, and she has an unlimited widow's benefit which means making ends meet were not a worry in his house. Things like high speed internet, platinum cable packages, and brand name groceries in individually wrapped sizes are the norm. I buy in bulk, and on sale, even the the store brand isn't a totally lovely knockoff. 4 - I like my own space sometimes. I want to be able to read or veg out on SA or whatever. How do we calibrate our alone or individual time? What are your best ways for for learning to cohabit with a person you've previously only dated?
|
#
?
Oct 22, 2014 23:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 7, 2024 12:37 |
|
|
Three words: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Hopefully you guys have already established what your expectations are regarding lifestyle, sleeping habits, household cleanliness, and finances. You should negotiate some basic ground rules and expectations before you even move in, reevaluate after a few weeks, and revisit periodically over the year. The most important thing is that both of you feel comfortable coming forward and saying "This isn't working, let's work out a new arrangement" and trusting that (both of) you will negotiate in good faith. There's no real hard and fast rules for how things should work, only that both of you should think things are equitable and work for what you want. I lived with my then-fiancee for a year to make sure we were compatible, and what worked for us was I pay all the bills, she does the grocery shopping and cooking (or takeout on lazy days), and we split chores roughly 50-50 (though she's better about it than me usually). It was easy for us, because we are similarly very conservative with our finances, she's very tolerant of my laziness, and I'm fortunate enough that I can cover any short-term budget issues without problems. We both work, so we keep our finances completely separate aside from our duties, so there are no opportunities for arguments about money. This arrangement would obviously not work for someone that wants one partner to stay at home, perhaps to parent kids and save on daycare. In that case, arranging a budget for them will be important, as will the distribution of chores. To your specific questions:
So basically, talk about things early and often. Set clear boundaries, stick to them, and be willing to speak up if something isn't going right.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 03:20
|
|
|
Poster above me had some pretty good advice, but I thought I'd give my two cents as well. My partner and I often alternated staying at each other's apartments, so we already had some of an idea as to what it would be like to actually live together. I think that definitely has made cohabiting easier, since it allowed us to both get a handle on what our similarities and differences are. You don't have that option, so y'all really need to talk long and hard about this. 1. My partner and I alternate doing household chores, but it isn't like "I did the dishes this time so you HAVE TO DO THE DISHES NEXT TIME" so much as we both put in the effort to keep our apartment nice. When it's crunch time and I have a lot of deadlines, he picks up the slack for me and when he's busy I do the same. If either one of us feels like they're doing too much work then we talk it out. (Talking it out is going to be the answer to every problem fyi) 2. Get a two or three bedroom apartment so that you can each have your own space so your clutter doesn't drive you insane. I stack cups all over my desk because I'm insane and my partner leaves video game controllers EVERYWHERE. But we have separate spaces to indulge in our weird cluttering habits so we don't murder each other. If it gets too much, we talk it out. 3. You really need to get the revenge-piss cat looked at, that is weird behavior. I own our cats so I take care of them, but if I'm sick or whatever then my partner handles it. It helps that he likes them; nothing is more poisonous to a relationship than a lovely pet that one of you hates. 4. We split payment on EVERYTHING. Rent, utilities, internet, food, etc. He makes more than I do at the moment so if we want to do something frivolous or fun he usually covers it, but I also try to pay for fun things when I have the spare cash. Whatever you do, don't combine finances. Never. And be sure to have a budget that you both agree on and stick to. If you have to use a spreadsheet to stick with it then god drat it, use a spreadsheet. Make sure this is all decided way ahead of time and keep going over it to make sure. 5. I'm serious, get a 2-3 bedroom space if you can. Also talk to your partner. If you need alone time, just say it. As long as you're with an emotionally mature adult they won't flip out. Basically, talk about it. Talk about literally everything. That's the easier way to stop a problem before it starts.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 04:08
|
|
|
I would suggest seeing a financial advisor to help determine bills and who pays what for what. 3 years into living together we had to combine finances. We had been splitting everything 50/50 and I couldn't even afford to buy myself new underwear. But I also have a budget spreadsheet. We're both about the same amount of spendy, so it usually doesn't happen that one of us spends way more than the other. He earns twice what I do, but he also works really long days. So I do groceries and cooking. We both do dishes, and we alternate litter box duty. As for alone time, it usually arranges itself. He does sports Mondays and Thursdays, and I work a short shift so I don't start work till 11. He goes out for beers with friends, I go out for beers with my friends. If you need alone time you just say you need some time to yourself. Echeveria fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Oct 23, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 04:54
|
|
|
brotato posted:
This is one of the best pieces of advice anyone can give you. If you live in a place where it is affordable, the extra living space is very helpful. I just moved in with my SO at the end of May and we got a 2 bedroom so I could have an office. It lets us both have our space while still being together. It will be a transition and you both will get into silly arguments -- like DarkHorse said, "Three words: Communicate, communicate, communicate." As long as you guys talk things through it will be a very gratifying experience. I wish you the best of luck in your new move!
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 07:04
|
|
|
Phaxtor posted:This is one of the best pieces of advice anyone can give you. If you live in a place where it is affordable, the extra living space is very helpful. I just moved in with my SO at the end of May and we got a 2 bedroom so I could have an office. It lets us both have our space while still being together. It will be a transition and you both will get into silly arguments -- like DarkHorse said, "Three words: Communicate, communicate, communicate." As long as you guys talk things through it will be a very gratifying experience. I wish you the best of luck in your new move! Yes, yes, yes. Bf and I have a huge 3br/2b apartment that I was already living in with roommates that we kept to ourselves after he moved in and the roommates moved out. At first, we thought it was total overkill in terms of size (though the price was right - living in an affordable part of the country is pretty nice), but it turns out it's perfectly sized for the two of us. We have an office that fits both our giant desks and a comfy chair, and a weight room/guestroom (which has its own bathroom). Also a huge living/dining room area. We can very much have our own space, with one of us reading back in the office and the other playing video games/watching TV in the living room or whatever. We're both fairly introverted, so it's very nice to be able to veg out during the evening without stepping on each other's toes all the time. And yeah, communication is always good. As for household finances, try Splitwise - it's a handy web app that takes care of all the "who owes who how much" math for sharing expenses, and it's particularly useful for evening the score if one of you takes care of rent and the other pays utilities/groceries or whatever. Also, it's helped us to not be overly concerned with exact dollar amounts of who buys what - we just kind of trade off, like I'll pick up the case of beer since he picked up the tab when we went out to dinner, and so on. All comes out in the wash at the end, anyway.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 15:31
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:3 - Pets (his cat is a revenge pisser, and eats dry in the morning, wet in the evening; mine gets a dry bowl out all day, plus half wet in the AM, half in the PM). Usually this is something indicative of something wrong in the cats environment. Dirty litter box/cat that's freaked out all the time etc. Cats don't really do "Revenge". Try one of those feline diffusor things that calm cats down or take it to a vet. Our cat peed on loving everything and we couldn't figure it out. Turns out he was slowly building a blockage in his urinary tract. After surgery he never peed on our poo poo again.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 15:54
|
|
|
The first poster pretty much got it from the start. Communication IS the key. Does him not using a coaster on the table drive you insane, but you say nothing? It will build onto all the other things that come with living with your SO, and boil over. Communication. For the money, I'd talk to him first for sure. You just never know how the other person would feel. Maybe he would have his pride hurt if you were paying more than him. Maybe he doesn't give a poo poo and he's fine with it. Maybe you'd get bitter at the fact that you are paying more than him and he's buying all the expensive individually wrapped food. Financial adviser is fine, but I'd really make sure he's on board with that or what his plan was for finances. Everyone seems to have pretty much offered solid advice and the only addendum I would add is that you are going to fight. You just will. Expect it. You will BOTH need to swallow your pride on some things and be good at admitting when you are wrong. For instance, A while back I was helping my wife put away groceries and I was just roughly handling them and slamming drawers. She asked me in a very calm voice to please leave the kitchen, because we had previously discussed that when I'm mad I don't want to talk. I need time to brood for 30 minutes or so, and then I'm fine. I went off for 30 minutes and realized what an rear end I was being, So I came back. I told her none of it was her fault and she didn't do anything wrong. You will have that happen. As much as you don't want to ever take the other person for granted, you do. Not having pride and being able to admit where you are BOTH wrong (if applicable) has really made our fights not as big of a deal. So, basically, communication.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 18:39
|
|
|
So about his cat. When he would go away for long weekends at my house, she would go and pee all over his bed. He eventually would just leave his bedroom door shut because she'd be vindictive. She also would shart on me if I was being playful and petting her. She's not my favorite cat of all of the ones in his household. She's 11 years old, so she's had him slightly longer than I have (only just, we've been a couple for ten years). So far, we haven't really seen anything that would suggest a medical problem. Unfortunately, we live in the Boston area, so getting a two bedroom place is not really optimal. As it stands, rent is 700 for half of my current two bedroom, and he'd budgeted that he can only pay $500 for rent based on what he's expecting to get on his pay. I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea of paying $900 to continue living in our space because he can't contribute more. For the people who say they can't afford underwear but split everything down the middle, how do you come up with that line of reason? I have lived in my fair share of lovely slummy college and batshit crazy roommates having apartments, and I really feel that a half a decade of putting up with that means I should have a nice apartment at last. We communicate well, though we'll argue about things within the household.  My bacon isn't of a high enough quality,  putting the seat and the lid down is the neutral standing positioning, so put down the drat seat, Why do you have so many pillows? Would you shut up about your Pokemon 3DS, I'm trying to watch this show. (he does this whole string of consciousness thing, where he'll mumble out loud his choices of Pokemon. I don't care, I've never cared about Pokemon, omg, shut up). In those cases, I wish we were getting a two bedroom.Then there's the dishwasher debate. I use our dishwasher to store plastic bags and bowls and platters for parties. He rather use it to wash dishes. With two people in the house, there are never enough dishes to warrant running the dang thing. Unless you like smelly slowly rotting mugs and plates stored there. Anyone specifically have experience on the dishwasher debate?
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 03:15
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:Anyone specifically have experience on the dishwasher debate? I have never heard of anyone using a dishwasher as storage. If you guys cook a lot you'll quickly find that two people can create a hell of a lot of dirty dishes, especially if you like to cook things in order to have leftovers. That said, yall should talk about it. Are you okay with always doing the dishes because he doesn't want to wash them by hand? Think about it.
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 05:30
|
|
|
Being that your SO is new to the area, he will likely not have many friends. Encourage him to get out and meet some or go out with work buddies WITHOUT YOU. Similarly, go out with your girlfriends on a different day of the week, so you each have a free day at the house by yourself at least a couple times a month. Trust is probably the most important part of a relationship, and you're going to have to take his word for it that he's out with buddies. There may be girls involved, and you're just going to have to trust him that he's being faithful. It's tough making new friends when you're from out of town and grilling him on who all he's going out with every night is only going to make things more stressful between the two of you. I don't know where you live, but if it's a decently sized city there should be some young professional networking groups he can join to meet people. You will go crazy if he relies on you as his only friend/entertainment, and he will similarly go crazy if you blow him off to get some alone time if he has no friends. Honestly this is probably the first heart to heart talk I would have with him when he moves in to setup some ground rules.
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 06:30
|
|
|
OP, I'd say the fact that you already point out a number of sensitive issues (toilet seat, dishwasher usage, cat behavior, etc.) is cause for concern. My experience is this: I greatly dislike living with someone, because I am not willing to compromise on or accept her issues that I think are retarded. I cannot accept that the toilet seat has to be put down 10 times per day when a lid-down toilet is 100% useless for both men and women. I refuse to accept that she slams doors. I refuse to accept that she wants to do every dish or kitchen utensil 5 seconds after one is done using it. I refuse to accept that she has to clean the apartment weekly, and that it's apparently a great time to turn on the vacuum cleaner Saturday morning when I'm trying to sleep late. The list goes on with dozens of small issues. I am also the type of person who gets annoyed at other people who use a tool, utensil or piece of electronics in a stupid manner; like using a steak knife to cut an apple when we have chef's knives right there, attemping to use a tiny splash of cold water on a dry rag to clean up a spill, or using cleaning solvents in a retarded manner, tenfold so when it ends up annoying me (for example, greasy faucets because the cleaning solvent hasn't been washed off like it's supposed to). I've given up and don't complain, and am just silently planning for alternatives in the future. I personally think living with someone sucks, or maybe I just found the wrong one. I refuse to accept that living with someone should be a battle, a struggle or a daily effort. Thus, it's not for me in the long run. I will also definitely recommend having extra rooms if you can, big time. If I couldn't have my own room with my computer (and bed), I'd have gone insane a long time ago. Good luck, you'll need it!
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 10:01
|
|
|
Pilsner posted:I personally think living with someone sucks, or maybe I just found the wrong one. I refuse to accept that living with someone should be a battle, a struggle or a daily effort. Thus, it's not for me in the long run. It could just be that you're the problem. Refusing to compromise on things and passive aggressively stewing in your separate bedroom is ridiculous. Tell your girlfriend that you're breaking up because you're a loving child and that you're moving back in with your parents. For the OP, you're going to argue and disagree about things sometimes, it's impossible to live with someone and agree 100% all the time. The stuff that you mentioned is pretty minor and inconsequential but how you communicate to come to an agreement that you're both happy with is still just as important. Having the extra space is nice for being able to have some alone time, but it's really not necessary if you can learn to respect each others space. For the first 3 years that my wife and I were together, we were living in 400 sq.ft. apartments. Our current place isn't that much bigger, but we've learned to tell each other "hey, I just want to quietly chill and do my own thing for a while" without the other person taking it as "I don't want to be near you right now". As for the dishwasher thing, I think it's pretty weird but I cook a lot so we can fill a load of dishes every 2-3 days for 2 people.
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 11:08
|
|
|
You might want to try to get your two cats on a synchronized feeding schedule because if you don't they'll just steal each other's food.
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 14:54
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:Then there's the dishwasher debate. I use our dishwasher to store plastic bags and bowls and platters for parties. He rather use it to wash dishes. With two people in the house, there are never enough dishes to warrant running the dang thing. Unless you like smelly slowly rotting mugs and plates stored there. The only reason to use your dishwasher as storage is if it's broken and you/your landlord is unable/unwilling to fix it. Otherwise, your bowls and platters (and even stemware) go in your sideboard. (Sideboards are awesome - you can store all your fancy dishes and booze in them and also serve drinks off of them. I don't know what I'd do without my sideboard.) My bf and I run our dishwasher every three days or so. On a typical day, we'll use bowls and spoons for cereal in the morning, and then in the evening, use maybe a couple of pots or skillets, a knife, and a cutting board for dinner, plates, silverware, glasses, and small plates/bowls if we have dessert, and also random other glasses and mugs. I mean, if you skip breakfast/grab breakfast on the go, have lunch at work, and eat microwave food or takeout for dinner, then I guess you'd go through way fewer dishes. Maybe that's the case? But even so, if you cook/eat at home even half the time, you'll produce enough dirty dishes to warrant using the dishwasher a couple times a week. Just make sure you're on the same page about what goes in the dishwasher and what doesn't (wooden stuff, silver plate, delicate glassware, knives, etc).
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 15:55
|
|
|
We run our dishwasher every day or every other day, usually. I'm home on medical leave so I'm eating at home on plates, plus I'm cooking fairly involved meals because I'm bored as poo poo. You'll find you have different thresholds for different things. He gets all pissy when the kitchen isn't clean, and I am so frustrated at the state of our carpets (I can't vacuum right now). As for the financial thing, that's why I recommended sitting down with a financial adviser, or at least sitting down to work it out before you move in together. You can work out that a percentage of your wages should go towards rent and groceries, and then calculate what each others portion is that way, or you can split everything 50/50. It's probably the touchiest area. You probably feel like you should't have to pay more because you earn more, but then if you split it 50/50 he'll be poor as poo poo, and it's really stressful when your spouse is able to go have beers and buy new clothes and video games, and you have to make the decision between filling a prescription and buying new underwear.
|
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 16:58
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:
That's a really weird thing to do. Rinse things before you put them in there, nothing should be rotting. Two people is more than enough to fill a washer enough for cleaning in a day or two. Storing plastic bags in a dishwasher what the hell do you not have normal cabinets and drawers or something? Does the silverware get stored in the toilet? tsa fucked around with this message at 18:50 on Oct 24, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 24, 2014 18:47
|
|
|
tsa posted:That's a really weird thing to do. Rinse things before you put them in there, nothing should be rotting. Two people is more than enough to fill a washer enough for cleaning in a day or two. Storing plastic bags in a dishwasher what the hell do you not have normal cabinets and drawers or something? Does the silverware get stored in the toilet? See, if you're rinsing them, why not go the extra three seconds and wash the bloody thing? It's just wasteful and double doing, essentially.
|
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 01:57
|
|
|
You two have met in person before, right? Don't mean to sound like an rear end in a top hat but ten years is a really long time to be dating someone, not live together, and, assuming he is at least in his late 20s, for him to still be living with his mom. Every relationship is different, but how long distance is long distance? What's the longest amount of time you have spent together? Anyway, my boyfriend and I have lived together for three and a half years. Started in an apartment and eventually bought a house. 1 - Household chores: We split them pretty evenly. If one of us has a day off and the other is working, we will try to take care of the basic stuff like dishes and laundry. There are things that one of us does more than the other, he does most the sweeping/mopping and I do most of the cooking. Once a month or so when we're both home and motivated we'll do a thorough house cleaning. If you feel like the other person is not helping out enough, you have to tell them so. Eventually you'll figure out your groove. 2 - Home tidiness: See above. I personally hate assigning chores, like "Sue does laundry on Mondays and Bob does laundry on Thursdays" or something. That's what parents do to their kids. If poo poo needs to be done, just do it, or ask for it to be done. Put your dishes in the dishwasher when you're done with them. Throw your clothes in the basket instead of on the floor. Take the trash out when it's full. It's not hard to keep a place clean if you both make an effort to do so and have agreed upon standards for what you consider "tidy." Use your dishwasher for washing dishes, too. It's weird to use it for storage. 3 - Pets: You can't have one cat free fed and one cat on scheduled feedings. It has to be one or the other. We have two cats and the litter box and cleaning pee/puke is a shared responsibility. Read up on how to introduce cats before you bring both cats into the apartment. If you don't do it correctly it can turn out really badly. Pet Island has a ton of good resources too. 4 - Bills: My opinion is, if you don't make roughly the same amount of money, you shouldn't pay the same amount for bills or utilities. I make significantly more than my boyfriend and we've always split the costs by how much we make. We opened a joint account together (our savings and personal checking accounts are still separate and will stay that way even if we are married) and pay rent/mortgage, utilities, and grocery expenses out of this account. Anything else comes out of our personal accounts. Half of our paycheck goes into the joint account, the rest into personal checking/savings. Since we are contributing half our income to a joint account, even if it's different amounts, it's fair. Before we had the joint account, we split bills based on percent. We totaled our monthly expenses and figured out how we could divide the bills so that I was paying roughly 70% and he was paying 30%. I paid for rent and food and he paid utilities and it worked out pretty nicely. The joint account is much easier, though, since we just have to figure out what half our paycheck is and deposit it in the joint account. Also, while you both have access to deposit/withdraw from the joint account, we can't access each other's personal checking/savings at all. 5 - I like my own space sometimes: As does everyone. If you're working different schedules it gives you some time alone. If you have a small space, set up a desk or even a room divider with a chair so you have a sense of a different space. You can always go do stuff by yourself too, like take a walk or hang out with your friends or whatever. 6 - What are your best ways for for learning to cohabit with a person you've previously only dated?: You'll get used to it. If something is bugging you, you have to bring it up before you start getting upset about it. If it keeps happening despite talking about it (my boyfriend keeps leaving the cap off the toothpaste), you're going to have to pick your battles. If it's something trivial and stupid it's most likely not worth it to get angry about it. People form their own habits and sometimes it's really hard or impossible to change those. Edit: You don't have to pre-rinse your dishes for most newer (not from the 1970s) dishwashers. Two people will accumulate plenty of dishes to make using it worthwhile. Also it keeps dirty dishes out of the sink and off the counters.
|
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 02:00
|
|
|
Yes, we know each other in real life. We were/are  high school sweethearts , if we can use that term. We've known each other for 11 years, dated for ten. We both lived at home while we went to community college, and then I went to 'sleep away' college, while he went to a commuter school. It took him longer to finish college through a combination of laziness and him getting his head straight after his father died violently in front of him and his sister. We've been engaged for a year and a half. We've had long weekends since we became long distance, and spend long vacations together. His delay into adulthood is the only reason we haven't moved in together before.I plan to feed the cats together - there's just no getting around it. I'm worried his cat will be mean to mine. His cat didn't even like the only litter of kittens she had, much less the other cats in his mom's household. I know how to introduce new cats in a household. I'm expecting great joy and slashed noses. A lot of immigrant families I know (like mine!) use their dishwashers for storage. It's so simple to wash a mug and put it on the rack to dry. I hadn't realized it was so strange to people. Ideally you'd be washing the dish or cup right away, and not making it a rotted mess in the sink. Pans and pots that need to soak excluded. I'm worried about the general standards of cleanliness. He's a slob. He makes one big effort to clean every few weeks, but I can't stand that. I'm not Polly Polish, but a weekly cleanup - sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, isn't too much to ask. A daily pick up after yourself isn't that bad. Right now he'll do it when asked when he visits me in my place for the weekend but it's certainly not innate. I don't want communicating to turn into "nagging." It seems that different posters have different rules for finance. Did you try several different ways before arriving at what worked for you, or was it experience from living with other SOs, then tweaking that??
|
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 03:12
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:I'm worried about the general standards of cleanliness. He's a slob. He makes one big effort to clean every few weeks, but I can't stand that. I'm not Polly Polish, but a weekly cleanup - sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, isn't too much to ask. A daily pick up after yourself isn't that bad. Right now he'll do it when asked when he visits me in my place for the weekend but it's certainly not innate. I don't want communicating to turn into "nagging." My boyfriend and I moved in together after 3 years. We rented apartments for about 4 years, then bought a house. Then we got married. I never lived with an SO before so it was really just trial and error. You need to make your cleaning standards clear, but at the same time accept that this is something you're more sensitive about, and will probably end up taking on more of. My husband and I usually use Sunday as cleaning day. Dishes done, floor swept, house vacuumed, litter boxes dumped, laundry done.
|
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 05:04
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:I'm worried about the general standards of cleanliness. He's a slob. He makes one big effort to clean every few weeks, but I can't stand that. I'm not Polly Polish, but a weekly cleanup - sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, isn't too much to ask. A daily pick up after yourself isn't that bad. Right now he'll do it when asked when he visits me in my place for the weekend but it's certainly not innate. I don't want communicating to turn into "nagging." Regarding finances we split fairly, and always have. No shared finances here. This means that all regular bills are 50/50, and a few like electricity where I use the most with my big computer, are split unevenly. She has a stupid landline phone that she pays 100% for. This has worked well, and there are very few arguments over finance. Neither part should ever be "nice" and go "oh I'll pay this bill", because they will subconsciously keep track in their head when the situation arises again. The exception to this is of course small expenses and purchases here and there. Pilsner fucked around with this message at 18:06 on Oct 25, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 17:49
|
|
|
Pilsner posted:OP, I'd say the fact that you already point out a number of sensitive issues (toilet seat, dishwasher usage, cat behavior, etc.) is cause for concern. My experience is this: I greatly dislike living with someone, because I am not willing to compromise on or accept her issues that I think are retarded. I cannot accept that the toilet seat has to be put down 10 times per day when a lid-down toilet is 100% useless for both men and women. I refuse to accept that she slams doors. I refuse to accept that she wants to do every dish or kitchen utensil 5 seconds after one is done using it. I refuse to accept that she has to clean the apartment weekly, and that it's apparently a great time to turn on the vacuum cleaner Saturday morning when I'm trying to sleep late. I mean this sounds like a mix of things that are legitimately annoying (slamming doors all the time would get old fast) and things that are in fact very easy to compromise on and silly to get angry over. For example, whether or not you think it's logical to keep the toilet seat down, how long does it take to put the seat down after you are done? Literally not even an entire second, so if it makes the other person happy why not just do it? And cleaning an apartment on a weekly basis is a pretty normal thing to do, if the time of day when your partner is operating a vacuum cleaner is an issue, then just talk about it. If you can't talk about something like that and come up with an easy compromise like say vacuuming in the early afternoon instead, then no you shouldn't be living with that person. But these are not innate problems that always come with living together, a lot of people are capable of working these kinds of things out it's just a matter of clear and open communication. Earwicker fucked around with this message at 19:58 on Oct 25, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 25, 2014 19:55
|
|
|
Split bills not as 50/50 cable, 50/50 water, but as like "you get the internet and I'll pay the gas." I paid for groceries and my husband paid for restaurants and his own beer. Now I only work part-time, so he passes me grocery cash each month and I pay for everything over budget. One partner will have more money, and the other will have more time. You'll find a balance after your schedules are settled.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 00:44
|
|
|
If someone is over 15 they need to stop slamming doors and learn to express themselves with words. Or go sulk and refuse to explain why you're upset like a normal adult.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 07:44
|
|
|
Maybe if you've barely seen each other in ten years and yet still argue about the most pointless and banal things like bacon and pokemon, you guys should reexamine this relationship instead of committing to a major change and financial obligations.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 07:52
|
|
|
Something else I thought of, if you guys haven't been together much over that length of time: have you worked out sleeping arrangements? It can be weird sleeping in the same bed every night if you're not used to it, sometimes people have different schedules, some people are lighter sleepers than others, etc. It will be a good idea to have someplace extra to sleep for those times when both of you can't be in the same bed for any of those reasons. Plus, it's good to have a spare sleeping space any time company comes over and has to spend the night. Too many people these days don't get enough sleep, and a lot of it I suspect is disturbed sleep from sharing a bed. Sleeping in the same bed is a relatively recent phenomenon, brought about because of living in cities and everyone cramming into the cheapest place they can live. The one thing I will say that is a bit of a cliche, but don't go to bed angry. Even if you're both super tired, at least work things out to the point you can agree to discuss it in the morning and you're not seething about it. It will ruin your night's sleep and the entire rest of the next day if you fall asleep pissed off.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 12:07
|
|
|
DarkHorse posted:It will be a good idea to have someplace extra to sleep for those times when both of you can't be in the same bed for any of those reasons. Plus, it's good to have a spare sleeping space any time company comes over and has to spend the night. Too many people these days don't get enough sleep, and a lot of it I suspect is disturbed sleep from sharing a bed. Oh my god, this. A million times.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 16:13
|
|
|
I 100% do not understand living with your partner but sleeping in separate places. This may just be my bias, but in my view if you don't want to sleep with the person every night, you should rethink whether or not you should be living together.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 16:51
|
|
|
wilfredmerriweathr posted:I 100% do not understand living with your partner but sleeping in separate places. This may just be my bias, but in my view if you don't want to sleep with the person every night, you should rethink whether or not you should be living together. Sometimes a person gets a cold and doesn't want to keep their partner up all night with coughing, sniffling, etc. It's nice to have the option.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 16:54
|
|
|
wilfredmerriweathr posted:I 100% do not understand living with your partner but sleeping in separate places. This may just be my bias, but in my view if you don't want to sleep with the person every night, you should rethink whether or not you should be living together. Sometimes it just isn't possible due to sleeping issues that people have. I for one have issues with insomnia off and on so some nights I'm in and out of bed several times. My sleep schedule is also "nope" in that I don't have a schedule and have never been able to be consistent about it. That makes it difficult for somebody to share a bed with me. Though the nicest thing about having separate beds is that you can sleep together whenever you feel like it but sleep separately whenever you don't. Trust me, that is very good.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 17:58
|
|
|
My cats pitch stuff in the toilet all the time. I told my SO to close the toilet lid but he thought it was some woman thing. Then my cat knocked his deodorant into the toilet. He closes the lid now. 
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 18:58
|
|
|
wilfredmerriweathr posted:I 100% do not understand living with your partner but sleeping in separate places. This may just be my bias, but in my view if you don't want to sleep with the person every night, you should rethink whether or not you should be living together. After a stressful day for him, it takes him a long time to unwind and get to a place where he can sleep. He likes to play his favorite video games on ds to do this. I read and I will literally hit a wall where I'm done and need to sleep. If he's not ready, he'll go downstairs and sleep in our spare room. If one of us is sick, coughing, sneezing and feverish, the other will go downstairs. If I have to work on a Saturday at 7, I'll go to bed at 9 and he'll go to bed whenever he goes to bed, in the other room. Of course you want to sleep together, but logistically it's way easier to have a spare bed.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 19:26
|
|
|
wilfredmerriweathr posted:I 100% do not understand living with your partner but sleeping in separate places. This may just be my bias, but in my view if you don't want to sleep with the person every night, you should rethink whether or not you should be living together. I saw a study in mag a year ago where it showed sleeping apart was an increasing trend among younger people. It's not really surprising either, as sleeping apart occurs more frequently as one gets older and simply wants a good nights sleep. Some people are just logically coming to that conclusion earlier now. Sleep is the bodies time to rest, and some people just can't get a good rest with another body right next to them. Doesn't mean you love them less or can't stand them if you want to sleep separately, it just means you want to be a human when you wake up in the morning and not sleep deprived for the rest of your life. It's not a small percentage of people sleeping apart either. Depending on where studies were done, it was between 20-40% of couples sleeping apart. Bloody Hedgehog fucked around with this message at 22:01 on Oct 26, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 21:58
|
|
|
Bloody Hedgehog posted:It's not really surprising either, as sleeping apart occurs more frequently as one gets older and simply wants a good nights sleep. Some people are just logically coming to that conclusion earlier now. Sleep is the bodies time to rest, and some people just can't get a good rest with another body right next to them. Doesn't mean you love them less or can't stand them if you want to sleep separately, it just means you want to be a human when you wake up in the morning and not sleep deprived for the rest of your life. This is the line of thought I'm starting to come to. Ever since moving in with my gf a year and a bit ago, I don't feel like I've ever slept as soundly as i did when i was by myself. The couple of times that she's been away for the weekend/night or whatever have then ended up being some of the most solid nights of sleep I've had for a while. After so long of not getting a good night's sleep, this is something you notice. I'm also up later than her and it's just my thing that i generally can't get to sleep before midnight unless I'm totally exhausted. I go to bed about and hour after her and she complains that i wake her up/should come to bed earlier, so a separate bed is just practical in some cases. She's of the same mindset as wilfredmerriweathr though and she sleeps like a rock (i'm envious of her ability to fall asleep in minutes every single night), so i think it's going to be a difficult subject one to broach without triggering at least some "sky is falling" drama.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 22:58
|
|
|
DarkHorse posted:Something else I thought of, if you guys haven't been together much over that length of time: have you worked out sleeping arrangements? It can be weird sleeping in the same bed every night if you're not used to it, sometimes people have different schedules, some people are lighter sleepers than others, etc. It will be a good idea to have someplace extra to sleep for those times when both of you can't be in the same bed for any of those reasons. Plus, it's good to have a spare sleeping space any time company comes over and has to spend the night. Too many people these days don't get enough sleep, and a lot of it I suspect is disturbed sleep from sharing a bed. Sleeping in the same bed is a relatively recent phenomenon, brought about because of living in cities and everyone cramming into the cheapest place they can live. We've actually been really aware of our sleeping habits. He doesn't sleep well the first night he has a body in the bed. After that, he's fine. He does have a tendency to poke me awake in the middle of the night to be sure I'm still alive. It's something that's left over from the death of his father. He's a manferno, so he usually kicks off blankets, which I'll steal because he needs to have the fan on and I'm cold, and leech off his side. I snuggle into him and his side of the bed so much, that he has to get up and go around to the other side of the bed. What's more romantic than trying to crawl into your partner's skin? I also sleep talk, which has lead to some great amusement on his part. Once, on a trip with my roommate, I told her to go kill herself. I have no recollection of this, and generally like the girl, so I don't get where that came from. We generally try not to go to bed angry - we'll work it out or at least come to a comprise. Bloody Hedgehog - We have a pair of friends who had a two bedroom apartment because the one snores LOUD. Like, cover her with a pillow, make it stop LOUD. It works for them, and when they have guests. I disagree with the Pokemon and bacon arguments. If we can be together so long, banal fights are just part of our personalities and culture clashes, and just part of the idiosyncrasies of a relationship. If you ever say that a relationship is perfect without any of those issues, I think either one of the partners doesn't care enough to fight over it, or there are some bizarre power play issues at work. On that note, Xibanya, I may set up my cat for this sort of scenario... For everyone, what was something that surprised you when you started living with another person? Was it how they could make a fart sound adorable? That a woman being could bleed so much and not die? Some crazy couponing ability, or ability to put IKEA furniture together? my darling feet fucked around with this message at 00:03 on Oct 27, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 23:57
|
|
|
Buy a white board and have a weekly town hall wherein you 2 can go over some post-mortems and really rap some processes.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 23:59
|
|
|
my darling feet posted:3 - Bills (does rent go half and half; I make more money, should I be paying more?) Hahah ok, ok let me air out some points here, glad I actually read your OP. This is great—here I thought I could only get to see train-wrecks in E/N. I've gone ahead and bolded your eventual downfalls. First off, he's 29 and has never lived with other people. My god. First off, you've found a real keeper. How the F. does that happen? Secondly, I think you should learn to shop better. Buying 'in-bulk' isn't always cheaper or better and using actual quality ingredients will up your nutrition in-take and your QoL. You two should start a new chapter, learn to cook and shop properly together—I'm talkin' FARMER'S MARKETS / BUTCHERS / BODEGAS / LOCAL + ORGANIC brah. It always PISSES me off when I see goons advocate for buying lovely poo poo when they dont know they can get good poo poo on the cheap-side. /rant. And liking your own space is fine 'n' normal—the reason I' m callin you out on this is because the mere mention of this makes it sound like you (and probably Mommy's boy, too) have poo poo social skills and no lives/general good-time having friendships. You NEED to be able to get out and do stuff, so start workin' out, volunteering, going to classes, anything. EDIT, I'm just gonna keep highlighting this relationship gold over here. You two are really in love, and not settling at all. my darling feet posted:So about his cat...she would go and pee all over his bed...She also would shart on me if I was being playful and petting her... Anyway, I look forward to your response. Big Ol Butthole fucked around with this message at 00:21 on Oct 27, 2014 |
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2014 00:07
|
|
|
Big Ol Butthole posted:Hahah ok, ok let me air out some points here, glad I actually read your OP. This is great—here I thought I could only get to see train-wrecks in E/N. I've gone ahead and bolded your eventual downfalls. Sure. I take adult education classes to polish up things my two bachelors' or one Masters' degree didn't cover, or just plain things I have an interest. I volunteer at my local animal shelter, am on a nonprofit professional's committee, mentor to a kid in my city, and give architectural tours at a major Boston landmark, in addition to my full-time job. If you actually read (did you, come on now?), you'll recall that he finished his bachelor's at a commuter school, didn't graduated with an assload of debt, and he's been working steadily since I've known him. His nerdy interests aren't my nerdy interests, but I've got someone who I'm able to enjoy life with. Sorry we're not the trainwreck you're fapping into your poop sock for. You really should leave the thread, as I'm asking those who've lived with significant others, not those who are going to die surrounded by Rainbow Dash plushes with the posterior cut open.
|
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2014 00:31
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 7, 2024 12:37 |
|
|
You've had an 11 year relationship with a pokemon-loving 29 year-old who has never left home.
|
|
#
?
Oct 27, 2014 00:57
|
|