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When I began reading I thought I wouldn't find any serious flaws with this story, and the beginning is strong like that. I especially "appreciated" the scene with the slaughter of the calf because I have participated in something like that, and have an emotional scar to show for it.   Anyway, some nitpicks I've gathered, and maybe more serious stuff as the story goes on. quote:The creature burled at him with unbridled speed, slashing with intent to kill. Probably a typo, but I've noticed some unusual usage that Dictionary.com confirmed to be valid. This one it did not. I'm assuming you meant "hurled", or there could be a mistake on either your or the dictionary's part. quote:“Think fast!” he said before wheeling away. I'm not sure what "wheeling away" is supposed to convey. Maybe it's to indicate speed (comparable to a car), but my initial interpretation was a shortening of "cartwheel". That'd be cool but unnecessary. quote:Staring at the family, he grinned with dulled teeth. Not sure what "dulled" is about. Human teeth are naturally rather dull. Later on the old man is placed as a demon, so maybe it's because demons naturally are supposed to have sharp teeth. Another hypothesis I have is that you mean stumpy teeth, worn out with use. Anyway, as you see the description isn't very clear, at least to one reader. I should mention that you have some missing punctuation, mainly missing periods. As I came to the first fight, I realized that there may be serious flaws. There are some pretty stilted turns of phrase there. quote:The creature just smiled as he prepared to gut the child. Before he could deliver his blow, however, the boy did something that took the demon off guard. "[He] did something that took the demon off guard" is basically an unnecessary spoiler. Firstly, some kind of surprise is the only thing that seems to be standing between the boy and a premature ending to the story. Secondly, throwing dirt in the eyes isn't such an impressive manoeuvre, and the foreshadowing comes off like the author is disproportionately impressed with the hero's action. Yeah, the last sentence in the quote (which should end with a period), just repeats the same thing. As I said, this is where my skepticism started. I haven't read the Thunderdome version, but this one is still purple. Many descriptors putting emphasis on mundane or self-evident things, and I might say not very appropriate usage in places. For example, quote:The creature burled at him with unbridled speed, slashing with intent to kill. It's obvious that the creature's intent is to kill, and I'm not sure it's the best place to use "unbridled". (It seems to be mostly used with "enthusiasm".) quote:As the demon finished cleaning his face, he noticed the boy to be long gone. It sounds like the demon took his time to do the thing thoroughly. In fact, managing to fit his whole previous line seems a bit excessive. I would suggest, "But the boy was gone", instead. quote:When he approached the door, however, a battle cry rang out. A "battle cry" carries a certain connotation. It conveys the identity of the armed force, and sometimes is also meant to convey something to the opponent. Most importantly, it's agreed upon. If Backers or the organisation they belong to have a battle cry, you should mention it. But you probably mean a simple "roar". quote:He knew full well that the demon was on the prowl, ready to rip his guts out should he be awarded the chance. I would say that's also a misuse of the word "award". Dictionary.com defines it as "to give as due". We're not on the demon's side, so he can't deserve the chance. I would suggest a complete rewording or omission. quote:The demonic was still smoldering as he finally scurried into the vacated barn. Something is either missing or extra. Some other general criticisms. Maybe lay off on the sexism.  I mean, every time someone addresses a male person of young age, they put "boy" in. The same actually goes for all the other dialog. This is optional, but to me seems peculiar.As far as the ending goes, I assume it means the boy killed the demon. On the one hand, the only thing supernatural about the demon seems to be his weakness to light, and as you'd expect that makes him a less intimidating adversary than a normal human. On the other hand, there isn't any justification for the boy to be able to kill the demon, because the demon is supposed to be some kind of infernal force (which he isn't, see above). The boy didn't seem to think that a shovel is a real threat to the demon, or I don't know something about barns and the fighting advantage they provide. Oh, something else I've caught. quote:What’s Well... Here's from me to you.
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Nov 10, 2014 14:50
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| # ¿ May 17, 2024 20:27 |
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