chopped

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WindmillSlayer

*to camera* What the hell. I had sex with the snail with tits. I knew death was coming and I had nothing to lose and I just... went for it. How did he miss that.... how did he miss that passion. That love.

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:26

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# ? Apr 30, 2024 09:38

Rick: When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.

Security Drone posted:

Very well. I am Geoffrey Zakarian.

We're well outside standard chopped protocols at this point, gentlemen. As a judge, I have an ethical obligation to not participate in something that is causing uneccessary death and suffering, and the palpable arrival of Ia'Thncum seems to present a clear and present danger. But I'm also a chef, and I have an ethical obligation to food -- breaking new boundaries and helping these visionary young chefs slip the surly bonds of mortal kitchenwork and pull back the curtain on the horrifying inner workings of the universe itself. Though my damned soul will rot in hell for all eternity for this and other crimes, I go to the plates.

Windmillslayer... Tsk. The choice to flash-sear the burning hair on the Cumt-head was ill-sighted, even if everything else worked out well. I can still taste that singed cartoon bear hair. Innovative use of the fresh comet, and the presentation is wonderful -- the creamed escargo avec tits does complement the Cumt-head flavor and it all melds together nicely with the autistic child tears, an ingredient I think we've all treasured for a long time and I'm glad to see it getting this send off before we all meet our end. Overall, great concept but take the time to dehair manually next time. I also feel the overall contribution from the knowledge of impending death didn't inform the dish as a whole here. This doesn't look like you fighting for your life, WMS.

And now, with the oppressive, skin-skorching heat of Ia'Thncum drawing ever-closer, we have Glavwen's Cumt-barbacoa Tataki.

Extremely clever use of the Cumt-head here; I thought many times as the show has progressed about how each of you would likely taste even just as a roast, and I'm pleased to see that Cumt is far less gamey than I was expecting. The almost thai-salad like combo of the tear marinade and the crispy seared Maillard reaction crust really adds something overall. The grinning skull of Cumt combined with Ia'Thncum inducing hallucinatory visions of the damned makes a very convincing, mutually supporting theme to the meal. The meal does indeed surpass normal food in every way. The execution is one prolonged scream of visceral horror. Well done. However, you must be chopped. My own connections to the ancient old ones whisper to me that only by consigning the foul summoner's soul to the Void -- or worse -- may any of us escape the living nightmare. Glavwen, you have been CHOPPED. *glances over at Guaraschnelli and her chef's knife, motioning her to go ahead*

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:27

bwatts

Security Drone posted:

Very well. I am Geoffrey Zakarian.

We're well outside standard chopped protocols at this point, gentlemen. As a judge, I have an ethical obligation to not participate in something that is causing uneccessary death and suffering, and the palpable arrival of Ia'Thncum seems to present a clear and present danger. But I'm also a chef, and I have an ethical obligation to food -- breaking new boundaries and helping these visionary young chefs slip the surly bonds of mortal kitchenwork and pull back the curtain on the horrifying inner workings of the universe itself. Though my damned soul will rot in hell for all eternity for this and other crimes, I go to the plates.

Windmillslayer... Tsk. The choice to flash-sear the burning hair on the Cumt-head was ill-sighted, even if everything else worked out well. I can still taste that singed cartoon bear hair. Innovative use of the fresh comet, and the presentation is wonderful -- the creamed escargo avec tits does complement the Cumt-head flavor and it all melds together nicely with the autistic child tears, an ingredient I think we've all treasured for a long time and I'm glad to see it getting this send off before we all meet our end. Overall, great concept but take the time to dehair manually next time. I also feel the overall contribution from the knowledge of impending death didn't inform the dish as a whole here. This doesn't look like you fighting for your life, WMS.

And now, with the oppressive, skin-skorching heat of Ia'Thncum drawing ever-closer, we have Glavwen's Cumt-barbacoa Tataki.

Extremely clever use of the Cumt-head here; I thought many times as the show has progressed about how each of you would likely taste even just as a roast, and I'm pleased to see that Cumt is far less gamey than I was expecting. The almost thai-salad like combo of the tear marinade and the crispy seared Maillard reaction crust really adds something overall. The grinning skull of Cumt combined with Ia'Thncum inducing hallucinatory visions of the damned makes a very convincing, mutually supporting theme to the meal. The meal does indeed surpass normal food in every way. The execution is one prolonged scream of visceral horror. Well done. However, you must be chopped. My own connections to the ancient old ones whisper to me that only by consigning the foul summoner's soul to the Void -- or worse -- may any of us escape the living nightmare. Glavwen, you have been CHOPPED. *glances over at Guaraschnelli and her chef's knife, motioning her to go ahead*

lmao

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:28

i am he

lol

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:28

tao of lmao

good stuff

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:35

Jenner: Lowtax banned me because he thought I was trolling by acting really stupid. I wasn't acting.

Security Drone posted:

[Geoffrey being sniped]

*voip*

Woah, dimension hopping is the poo poo!

...
*glances around self, expression faltering*

Oh gently caress, even with advanced technology I can't escape The Food Network.
.
.
.
Well Home Dimension me and I are going to dirty gently caress later, I've always wanted to do that. But for now?

Let's get this voting thing started. Before we begin I'd like to make a confession. I once killed a male prostitute in Hong Kong while coming down from huffing jenkem.

Flash frying the freshly severed head of last stages' competitor was a a smart choice, but a comet's heat isn't exactly something you can control and its burned in some places. The smell of burned hair doesn't do this dish any justice either. However, the snail tits goes well with the salty tears of an autistic child. The cream really accentuates the dread that child's parents has over their inevitable onset towards puberty.

I see you made the same mistake as the anime girl in using the unfocused heat of a comet to cook your dish, leaving the strips of flesh overcooked in places, however, the grief and despair of the autistic child's tears still really shine in this dish. The burnt patches properly highlight the struggling to live vibe you're trying to present with your plating. I have to give you mad props for presentation. I am having a hard time tasting the snail tits, however.

All in all? In light of Theglavwen's phenominal presentation and true embrace of the theme. The anime girl has been chopped.

... now then... there's a reason this was the theme and why I made my earlier confession.
.
.
.

You see, I'm sick and tired of being on these programs. I am tired of Marcus eating off my plate, I'm fed up with Alex getting drunk and trying to gently caress the producers. And Ted? What happened to us man. We've been lovers since Queer Eye. But you know what? gently caress it. gently caress every last one of you. I've already bolted the doors and I am going to burn this loving place to the ground.

Eat poo poo.

Smoke'm if you've got them, suckers.

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:44

WindmillSlayer

Jenner posted:

*voip*

Woah, dimension hopping is the poo poo!

...
*glances around self, expression faltering*

Oh gently caress, even with advanced technology I can't escape The Food Network.
.
.
.
Well Home Dimension me and I are going to dirty gently caress later, I've always wanted to do that. But for now?

Let's get this voting thing started. Before we begin I'd like to make a confession. I once killed a male prostitute in Hong Kong while coming down from huffing jenkem.

Flash frying the freshly severed head of last stages' competitor was a a smart choice, but a comet's heat isn't exactly something you can control and its burned in some places. The smell of burned hair doesn't do this dish any justice either. However, the snail tits goes well with the salty tears of an autistic child. The cream really accentuates the dread that child's parents has over their inevitable onset towards puberty.

I see you made the same mistake as the anime girl in using the unfocused heat of a comet to cook your dish, leaving the strips of flesh overcooked in places, however, the grief and despair of the autistic child's tears still really shine in this dish. The burnt patches properly highlight the struggling to live vibe you're trying to present with your plating. I have to give you mad props for presentation. I am having a hard time tasting the snail tits, however.

All in all? In light of Theglavwen's phenominal presentation and true embrace of the theme. The anime girl has been chopped.

... now then... there's a reason this was the theme and why I made my earlier confession.
.
.
.

You see, I'm sick and tired of being on these programs. I am tired of Marcus eating off my plate, I'm fed up with Alex getting drunk and trying to gently caress the producers. And Ted? What happened to us man. We've been lovers since Queer Eye. But you know what? gently caress it. gently caress every last one of you. I've already bolted the doors and I am going to burn this loving place to the ground.

Eat poo poo.

Smoke'm if you've got them, suckers.

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:46

tao of lmao

Hey! Did someone ask for a celebrity judge who is OFF THE CHAIN?

Everyone else: NO!

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:49

joke_explainer

Jenner posted:

Well Home Dimension me and I are going to dirty gently caress later, I've always wanted to do that. But for now?

Hello there, handsome.

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:50

Bwee

<lmao>

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:52

Rick: When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.

wth posted:

Hey! Did someone ask for a celebrity judge who is OFF THE CHAIN?

Everyone else: NO!

# ? Nov 13, 2014 02:52

Theglavwen: Frankly, I don't know anyone who likes Chinese bronzes, but I have one of the finest collections in the country.

Let the third and final judge come forth and condemn the anime girl! Don't let the infidel Zakarian 1 rob you of your culinary trascendence!

# ? Nov 13, 2014 06:53

alnilam

wth posted:

# ? Nov 13, 2014 17:10

klapman: this char is good

Greetings, everyone. I am the final Geoffrey Zakarian. I have seen the endless sea of stars, I have slept within the bosom of a collapsing black hole, I have tasted all the fruits of the galaxy... And yet, all paths lead, inexorably, to this single fixed point in time. The day I failed, and humanity suffered for it. The day I will never forget, and never leave behind.

With the endless amounts of experience i've picked up through the eons, I now know exactly how to judge every single dish that has ever been created. I have digested everything that can be eaten, and more besides. I've eaten the most disgusting trash, and the most heavenly dishes. I've choked down things that would make you question if there has ever been goodness in this world, and devoured happiness itself. I am, once again, as I always shall be, Geoffrey Zakarian.

Let us be done with it.

I remember you. Long has this dish haunted the dusty halls of my mind, taunting me with it's terrifying blend of sloth and passion. To treat the snail with tits so brutally, and yet with such a tender embrace at the end, is beyond anything i've experienced then or since. In the final moments of your life, you showed me the darkest depths and the most soaring heights humanity alone could ever hope to achieve. Time and time again have I returned to this moment in order to taste of this dish, though my younger counterparts may not understand the true glory of it yet. They will, in time. They will know all things.

I've said many times before, in this very room, that I have partaken of most everything in the universe. That's why I can say, completely divorced of your fatalism and sensationalism, that what you've prepared isn't loving food you endless fucker. Death isn't the end, and I can say for certain that in the unending vastness of time, you will never be even a moderately adequate cook. I have spoken with those who have transcended death itself, and they have agreed that yet another dish that is nothing but death is extremely passe, and only even mildly interesting to those who have not slipped the bonds of mortality. And even then, I could not think of a more captive audience than those about to die. You could present all of humanity with a microwaveable hot pocket, and if it was the end of days they would bow before you as though you were a god. I would chop you, but your Ia' Thncum will do it for me.

And in this, our final hour, with all the wisdom I bring to bear, I have but one thing to say to the damned in our audience tonight.

Bon appetit. Heh.

# ? Nov 13, 2014 18:07

emmie

chopped

# ? Nov 13, 2014 18:26

treasure bear

well done Theglavwen for winning the competition and congrats WMS on getting chopped

# ? Nov 15, 2014 21:36

bwatts

Cumt posted:

well done Theglavwen for winning the competition and congrats WMS on getting chopped

# ? Nov 15, 2014 21:39

The X-man cometh

Cumt posted:

well done Theglavwen for winning the competition and congrats WMS on getting chopped

Isn't that her plan anyway?

# ? Nov 15, 2014 21:43

bwatts

The X-man cometh posted:

Isn't that her plan anyway?

thanks for pointing out the joke you retard

# ? Nov 15, 2014 22:13

Theglavwen: Frankly, I don't know anyone who likes Chinese bronzes, but I have one of the finest collections in the country.

Cumt posted:

well done Theglavwen for winning the competition and congrats WMS on getting chopped

Is that what happened? I dunno, this whole thing got pretty real. Too real, maybe.

# ? Nov 15, 2014 22:28

Bwee

# ? Nov 15, 2014 23:16

alnilam

Bwee posted:

<Sorry all there will be a real ending coming up today or tomorrow but I am at http://www.sfn.org/annual-meeting/neuroscience-2014 from today until thursday and i just gave my big talk today it went well. i will make a chopped conclusion soon>

((congrats bwee i'm glad your talk went well, did u get any cool questions or comments))

# ? Nov 16, 2014 00:23

dogcrash truther

Bwee posted:

<Sorry all there will be a real ending coming up today or tomorrow but I am at http://www.sfn.org/annual-meeting/neuroscience-2014 from today until thursday and i just gave my big talk today it went well. i will make a chopped conclusion soon>

ahem

# ? Nov 27, 2014 00:00

Al Borland: by XyloJW

when is BYOB's Kitchen?

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Nov 27, 2014 00:07

WindmillSlayer

dogcrash truther posted:

ahem

# ? Nov 27, 2014 00:09

Bwee

Ia'Thncum approaches.

The Chopped studio is prepared for judgement. Audience, are you prepared? BYOB, are you prepared?

Marcus and Alex, you did not judge this round. I see you over at the door, trying to sneak out of the studio. How can I see you with no eyes? My eyes may have been gouged but your dark souls glow with hatred that I sense with my very being. I am Ted Allen. I am become death.

Geoffrey 1, 2, and 3. Past, Present, and Future. The riddle of the Sphinx incarnate. You have judged, and you have judged wisely. Ia'Thncum will return you to your proper place in the timeline.

WindmillSlayer. Theglavwen. You have made it to the final round. The extra round, the bonus round, the one in which Ia'Thncum judges and sends our souls to the afterlife. But the Geoffreys have made their choice. Theglaven, two of the Geoffreys have voted for you. WindmillSlayer, one has voted for you. How is this possible? Aren't they all the same Geoffrey? The universe abhors a paradox. It has sent Ia'Thncum to resolve it.

Look. Ia'Thncum is here.

And I have summoned it.

# ? Nov 27, 2014 17:54

Bwee

Guy Fieri here. I have this money idea to get rid of this comet. Going to take a trip to flavor town with this hunk of dynamite. And my flavor town I mean the eternal comet Ia'Thncum.

# ? Nov 27, 2014 17:58

tao of lmao

lol

# ? Nov 27, 2014 18:00

WindmillSlayer

Bwee posted:

Guy Fieri here. I have this money idea to get rid of this comet. Going to take a trip to flavor town with this hunk of dynamite. And my flavor town I mean the eternal comet Ia'Thncum.

# ? Nov 27, 2014 18:04