Cam Newton Goes From Metaphorical Car Wreck to Actual

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Cam Newton Goes From Metaphorical Car Wreck to Actual

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v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Keeping hockey players off campus does wonders for reducing the spread of STD's. You have no idea what that Canadian accent, politeness, and shredded obliques does to the womenfolk.

I lived with the hockey team and it was essentially the movie version of college. "Hey, who has this girl hooked up with?" "Oh, him and him. Pass." Good times.

ugh sex is the worst mdude

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:31

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 7, 2024 04:57

Pron on VHS: Nov 14, 2005; Blood Clots
Sweat Dries
Bones Heal
Suck it Up and Keep Wrestling

womenfolk

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:32

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

you have had casual intercourse with men before I myself have desired to have casual intercourse with you?

You base harlot

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:45

Sour Diesel: Jan 30, 2010

i've had a lot of sex with women btw

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:45

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Sour Diesel posted:

i've had a lot of sex with women btw

same.

except replace women with men

and by men I mean men's hands

and by men's hands I am specifically referring to my own

same tho.

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:47

No Irish Need Imply: Nov 30, 2008

Has Cam Newton had sex?

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:55

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Atticus Finch posted:

Has Cam Newton had sex?

I heard he recently had a tumble in his truck

# ? Dec 11, 2014 21:57

AAAAA! Real Muenster: Jul 12, 2008; My QB is also named Bort

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I heard he recently had a tumble in his truck

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:00

The 7th Guest: Dec 17, 2003

Atticus Finch posted:

Has Cam Newton had sex?

Yeah but he fakes it

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:00

waah: Jun 20, 2011; Better stay in line when
You see a Pavel like me shinin

zimbomonkey posted:

Someone forgot to tell him that athletes need not worry.

If only he had been a Tarheel like other reknown "student"/athletes before him

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:07

fishing with the fam: Feb 29, 2008; Durr

Atticus Finch posted:

Has Cam Newton had sex?

Does it count as sex if you never finish?

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:16

korrandark: Jan 5, 2009

Atticus Finch posted:

Has Cam Newton had sex?

Of course not, what do you think the laptop was for?

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:17

Big Ol Marsh Pussy: Jan 7, 2007

*frantically updates footballplayersthathavehadsex.xlsx*

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:33

Big Ol Marsh Pussy: Jan 7, 2007

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I heard he recently had a tumble in his truck

also lol

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:34

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I heard he recently had a tumble in his truck

Boom

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:48

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Chilichimp posted:

Boom

Why do you have a Ramatar

# ? Dec 11, 2014 22:59

Alaois: Feb 7, 2012

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Why do you have a Ramatar

he had a manningtar before, his av rarely follows his team allegiance

# ? Dec 11, 2014 23:32

Josh Lyman: May 24, 2009

Sportscenter is showing his press conference today and he's going on and on about how God saved him.

Not a peep for the engineers who designed a safe vehicle. :colbert:

# ? Dec 12, 2014 00:06

tinstaach: Aug 3, 2010; MAGNetic AttITUDE

Pungry posted:

They do this in hockey and let me tell you it is not pretty

https://twitter.com/ryanwhitney6/status/120533430764191744
https://twitter.com/hallsy04/status/83350753904836608
https://twitter.com/hallsy04/statuses/83351154850930689

I went to high school with Taylor Hall. I never had any classes with him, but plenty of people who did count him among the dumbest people they've ever met.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 00:29

fan of the browns: Apr 6, 2012; my enemy...
the enemy of every human who has ever lived...
this is the life-force that watches over the Dinosaurs.

Another Cam Newton drive ends in a turnover

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:11

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; THEY SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO LYNCH

Death to the Seahawks. Death to Seahawks posters.

MonsterWalk posted:

Another Cam Newton drive ends in a turnover

is it already time to rehash the 4 jokes again?? cool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYnFIRc0k6E&t=62s

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:25

thompson: Jun 6, 2006

We were on worst comments in death threads earlier. I remember Paul Walkers in GBS being pretty hilarious.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:31

fan of the browns: Apr 6, 2012; my enemy...
the enemy of every human who has ever lived...
this is the life-force that watches over the Dinosaurs.

Don't Durst me fucker.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:34

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; THEY SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO LYNCH

Death to the Seahawks. Death to Seahawks posters.

thompson posted:

We were on worst comments in death threads earlier. I remember Paul Walkers in GBS being pretty hilarious.

the flame that burns twice as furiously burns half as fast.... rip in peace paul walker, who departed 2 heaven 2 soon. he's drifting with angels, now

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:38

waah: Jun 20, 2011; Better stay in line when
You see a Pavel like me shinin

Josh Lyman posted:

Sportscenter is showing his press conference today and he's going on and on about how God saved him.

Not a peep for the engineers who designed a safe vehicle.

Well i see your post on ESPN too. You sure owned Cam real hard.

# ? Dec 12, 2014 01:56

Josh Lyman: May 24, 2009

waah posted:

Well i see your post on ESPN too. You sure owned Cam real hard.

I don't post on ESPN. :confused:

# ? Dec 12, 2014 02:07

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

thompson posted:

We were on worst comments in death threads earlier. I remember Paul Walkers in GBS being pretty hilarious.

there is nothing funnier about paul walker's death than the fact that the studio kept on releasing car race porn movies starring him after he died in a car wreck

that is ownage beyond comprehension

# ? Dec 12, 2014 02:12

Genocide Tendency: Dec 24, 2009; I get mental health care from the medical equivalent of Skillcraft.

thompson posted:

That and some PTSD. Flipping like that is horrifying.

Not if you do it right.

I don't remember a drat thing from the two roll overs I have been in.

# ? Dec 13, 2014 16:49

evilweasel: Aug 24, 2002

Big Ol Marsh Pussy posted:

*frantically updates footballplayersthathavehadsex.xlsx*

oh aren't we all fancy with our new version of microsoft office, mr moneybags

# ? Dec 13, 2014 18:25

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Alouicious posted:

he had a manningtar before, his av rarely follows his team allegiance

It was a Romotar.

But yeah, I just like having funny avatars.

edit: If there is a St Louis fan who wants this work of FART, I'll gladly trade up and let you have it.

Chilichimp fucked around with this message at 19:44 on Dec 13, 2014

# ? Dec 13, 2014 19:42

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

Unfortunately actual Rams fans are almost as rare as Titans fans around here. We got Nit Wit Dog poo poo and what, 1 or 2 others?

# ? Dec 14, 2014 02:10

Eifert Posting: Apr 1, 2007; Most of the time he catches it every time.; Grimey Drawer

Metapod posted:

are we talking historically or active?

The Titans don't have a history, so figure it out.

# ? Dec 14, 2014 03:53

Sour Diesel: Jan 30, 2010

The high point of the Titans existence was participating in fun January games against the 99 Rams and the 2000 Ravens.

# ? Dec 14, 2014 04:01

Eifert Posting: Apr 1, 2007; Most of the time he catches it every time.; Grimey Drawer

I just want to see Watt and Clowney rocking Oilers jerseys.

# ? Dec 14, 2014 04:27

Metapod: Mar 18, 2012

Sour Diesel posted:

The high point of the Titans existence was participating in fun January games against the 99 Rams and the 2000 Ravens.

Lies. The high point was making Albert Haynesworth look so good that the Washington Potatoskins gave him a $100 million dollar contract

# ? Dec 14, 2014 05:48

Volkerball: Oct 15, 2009; by FactsAreUseless

Pungry posted:

They do this in hockey and let me tell you it is not pretty

https://twitter.com/ryanwhitney6/status/120533430764191744
https://twitter.com/hallsy04/status/83350753904836608
https://twitter.com/hallsy04/statuses/83351154850930689

Of all the 1st overall picks the Oilers have had, you want to make fun of the one who owns. The Avs got MacKinnon so the system works imo.

Grittybeard posted:

drat man, at least I have an excuse for that. I was so excited when Mayock said Gabbert was his #1 QB.

I didn't know as much about the sport as I do now. I don't think I was completely off base with how I felt about Gabbert. I just had no idea how much he collapses under pressure. He had an absolutely awful game his senior season against a team that managed to get pressure against him that should have been a huge red flag, but I knew nothing about that.

# ? Dec 14, 2014 08:38

zimbomonkey: Jul 15, 2008; Tattoos? On MY black quarterback?

In his picks column at bleacherreport, Mike Tanier wrote what should basically be the final word in the "fake smile" story, and it's awesome.

Mike Tanier posted:

Buccaneers at Panthers

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Line: Panthers -3

There's a breed of fan who flies into a blinding rage at the sight of a quarterback smiling when things aren't going well. A sheepish grin after an interception (the Donovan McNabb special)? Cut the money-grubbing jerk. A light moment on the sideline during a blowout loss, caught on television camera? Force him to undergo dangerous medical experiments. Quarterbacks are supposed to act like they are at the state funeral for a beloved boy prince during a loss, unless they are barking orders at their troops.

And then there are analysts for major media outlets who will criticize a (then collegiate) quarterback's smile as "fake" and consider it a valid scouting point.

So there was Cam Newton lying on the highway on Tuesday afternoon, flipped pickup truck in the background, receiving medical treatment after the kind of auto accident that provokes the sign of the cross from passing rubberneckers. In obvious pain, Newton still smiled broadly at the camera, as if he wanted to make sure Twitter saw the Under Armor logo on his jacket, as if he were posing for the cover of the 2015 Athletes and Paramedics Wall Calendar. I suppose a critic could suggest he "always knows where the cameras are and plays to them," though this was a pretty extreme example.

Was Newton's smile phony? I lack that sort of scouting acumen. Maybe it's a philosophical question: If you put on a fake smile to mask obvious pain, doesn't your urge to mask the pain make the smile real?

The angry fan's cliche is based on the belief that a quarterback who behaves at all times like he just crawled out of a foxhole is somehow tougher, more committed and more real than someone capable of feeling and expressing the full spectrum of human emotions, even when his football team is trailing by 10. I've never met anyone relentlessly grim and determined at all times who was not putting on a "fake" act of their own, except for one or two people who ended up needing medication. Tough, dedicated, resilient leaders sometimes smile when things go wrong. That smile is often more inspirational than a frown or a furious shout.

The next time you get mad because your quarterback isn't brooding like Batman after a three-and-out, remember Cam Newton after his truck accident. Some people smile in the face adversity. The world needs more people like that.