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Congrats on having the courage to post your work! This is my first time critiquing another goon’s project, and quite frankly, I am not at all interested in the sci-fi genre, so keep that in mind. But I am a little put-off that you think this is your weakest? Why not post your best first, so I don’t feel like I’m beating a dead horse as I putter along? Anyways, I am only going to go over the bigger elements of the composition you’ve presented. “It is a big thing to think of, infinity.” This sentence pulled me out of the Morgan Freeman speech. It’s awkward and even saying “Infinity is a big thing to think (about)” sounds worse. Your opening paragraph seems very monotonous. I don't have anything to hook me in, especially after the prologue. Then after that, you have introduced your lead with the 'I just woke up and looked at myself in the mirror' scenario. In fact, you should just hack away at all the descriptions here because this is a looong wind-up and nothing has happened. After some quick reading through, I think that THIS is where the story should start: "Please enter your name and personal identification number," Not only are Kevin’s OCD tendencies revealed in a meaningful way, but it also lets the reader know that he is a student or in a learning environment. All the techno babble also lets us know that this is sci-fi without being so IN YOUR FACE about it (like the long, expositional paragraphs). I will say that only when I got to the very end did I become interested in the story, because there is a perceivable danger now. THAT is what you should lead up to at a faster pace, because that is where the conflict starts. I know it can be hard to take out all the world-building elements, but from what I just read, you desperately need to. Keeping them in a separate file and picking out instances where you can sprinkle them in will give the reader the opportunity to absorb the world in a moderate fashion, but also keep the text from coming off as a history book. As far as grammar and sentence structure, I think you have an excellent grasp of these things. You just need to prune away so we can get to the heart of the story that you’ve spent so long dreaming up. Feel free to ignore my crits, of course. This is just a stranger sharing her thoughts.
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Dec 17, 2014 04:21
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 09:55 |
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No problem! I definitely think you should post the next installment, but give it a run-through and see if any of our general crits can be applied to it beforehand. As far as the newer stuff you've done, maybe just post a snippet of what you think is the best, depending on how long it is.
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Dec 19, 2014 19:01
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