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*camera zooms in on a train heading down the tracks at high speed* *a child wearing a Chicago Cubss jersey is tied to the front* *camera pans and zooms in on another train on same track heading towards the other train* *a child wearing a Chicago White Sox jersey is tied to its front* ANNOUNCER: WHO WILL WIN TONIGHT!? ONLY TIME WILL TELL WHEN... *trains collide into a mess of machinery and blood and gore* *dust settles and we zoom in on a small trophy* ANNOUNCER: ON THE CROSSTOWN CLASSIC!!! *Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye plays*
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Jan 9, 2015 22:18
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| # ? May 6, 2024 06:19 |
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*disembodied CGI football helmets with team logos and colors viciously collide with one another repeatedly* *camera zooms in on the surface of one helmet to find it densely populated with viciously colliding helmets* *camera continues zooming in on one pair of viciously colliding helmets to discover that their surfaces are also teeming with parasitic viciously colliding helmets* *camera zooms yet further to uncover another surface crawling with viciously colliding helmets, some missing chin straps* *camera continues zooming, revealing yet another helmet-planet of viciously colliding micro-helmets, many having deformed jaw-guards and unfamiliar logos* *zoom continues. some of the helmets don't viciously collide at all but instead swivel to follow the camera movement, their hollow dark insides seeming to stare out in startling 4K super-high-definition blackness* *screen begins flickering and warping, gurgling whispers from the depths, a momentary vision of a bloated dead body and a bizarre static advertisement for "beer that tastes like your cock"* are you ready for the football
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Jan 9, 2015 23:12
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Two teams of chickens wearing football helmets appear ready for a play in a pristine, yet futuristic stadium. The camera switches angles to closeups of chicken faces and a talon pawing furiously at the astroturf. We suddenly zoom back out but pan up to the sky, where a giant metallic football is hurtling towards the stadium like a meteor, blazing red hot. The football meteor hits the stadium in a wide angle shot, with a gigantic explosion and fireworks. A platoon of metallic bulldozers in lockstep shove the debris of the stadium into a glinting hopper that has appeared beside the wreckage. We zoom in on the hopper, panning down a convoluted network of pipes, futuristic lights and small screens that read out sponsors and team logos. At the end of the pan, the camera zooms out to reveal pink slime exiting the grinder onto a large conveyor, where a series of pistons, lasers and saws with more logos tear into the substance and form it into nuggets. We hover over one nugget reaching a blazing inferno, just in time for the view to be obscured by a red-hot piston that smashes into the nugget making a searing sound, and when the piston pulls back the nugget is golden brown with the NFL logo charred into the crust, which we linger on for a moment. Suddenly a smiling teenager scoops this nugget and many others with a gleaming scoop and delivers it directly into the cardboard sleeve on a tray, which we pan back to reveal as a fast food counter. We linger long enough to establish that the smiling teen is serving the nuggets to someone at the register then zoom out further to reveal the entire McDonalds, with the subtitle Official Restaurant Sponsor of the NFL. An announcer reads out a line about McDonalds' newest product, then a gigantic football robot appearing from off frame rips the entire building out of the ground and tosses it off frame revealing the live video of the game behind.
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Jan 9, 2015 23:31
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doctorfrog posted:*disembodied CGI football helmets with team logos and colors viciously collide with one another repeatedly*
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Jan 10, 2015 01:43
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*A United States Navy Seal kicks a football that goes flying through Osama Bin Ladens head and straight up Kim Jong Ill's rear end. Kim screams in rage "I wasn't ready for MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL"*
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Jan 10, 2015 04:26
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*fog slowly clears to reveal the landscape of england* "Sir, we have visual confirmation." *a decrepit man in a three-piece suit nods* "God save the Queen." *3/4 view of an experimental satellite begins to strobe and fires a beam towards the Earth* *slow motion intercuts of children playing in the street, lovers walking together along the Thames, a very old man looks up to the heavens as a roiling red beam tears through the fog and detonates at the epicenter of a well-appointed stadium* *a smoking ball has impacted and left a smoking crater, pan up to a gentleman wearing a sweater, he picks up the ball and underhand throws it at the camera* *a pale blue glove snatches the screaming dervish from out of the air, pan up, the Queen herself has caught the smoking orb* "Proceed." "Are you prepared for a spot of cricket?"
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Jan 10, 2015 07:21
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*twelve men, all with boners*
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Jan 10, 2015 08:25
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*camera pans across the empty seating on a crisp cold day* *a loud chunk sound as a light suddenly pours onto a fraction of the field, quickly followed by a succession of other spotlights turning on until the entire field is lit* *my groundskeeper uncle is dead in the middle of the field after he couldn't get his dick out of a watering hose*
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Jan 10, 2015 13:16
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*i click on the forums, surprised to see a new intro screen loading before me* *Two giant steel squares split apart, from between them shoots a stream of lava that fills a mold, sparks fly all around. The mold fills and then is stamped shut by a heavy iron plate, which immediately explodes. The flames clear to reveal the number "1999" and a small flickering computer screen. The screen begins to spin and the years tick by, images of growling bears, jet planes and various anime swirl about, exploding into fireworks. The smoke clears to reveal "2015" written on a pink birthday cake, the camera swivels to reveal a sexy teenage female robot who blows out the candles and giggles. As balloons and confetti rain down around the robot the words "Happy Sweet Sixteen SA Forums!" scroll across the screen, finally bringing me to the forums main menu*
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Jan 10, 2015 15:38
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Applewhite posted:*A factory full of pistons and gears grind loudly to drive a machine that stamps MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL onto a steel plate covered in rivets* same but *sponsored by mcdonalds all over it*
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Jan 10, 2015 17:15
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Gridlocked posted:same but *McDonalds "M" materializes out of hard light and rotates slowly*
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Jan 10, 2015 17:21
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TVs Ian posted:*it is the future, and Football robots roam the ruins of civilization, charging through decaying buildings. One spots a human moving in the debris. It locks on, and hurls a steel football while a voice like a fork in a garbage disposal screams, "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!"
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Jan 10, 2015 17:24
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Applewhite posted:*McDonalds "M" materializes out of hard light and rotates slowly* *fwooosh* *brr-deep* *CRT turning off noise*
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Jan 10, 2015 17:44
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*Mixed gender and racially neutral astronauts frantically push knobs and buttons inside a hightech space station* *sports*
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Jan 10, 2015 18:14
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Applewhite posted:*McDonalds "M" materializes out of hard light and rotates slowly*
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Jan 10, 2015 19:39
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Jan 10, 2015 20:24
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*Establishing shot, a giant, black tower, rising endlessly into a fiery sky. An athlete bursts through a wall of reinforced steel, causing the towering structure to collapse. Among the rain of steel and fire, the athlete grabs a particularly large chunk and shoves it towards the camera. As he bellows his name, his stats appear on it.* *Establishing shot, a group of battleships plowing through a stormy sea. An athlete slowly surfaces under one of the gigantic ships, screaming like an angry whale. He snaps it in two over his back, resulting in a horrific explosion. He stomps his foot on the sea floor, and a giant mountain bursts from the sea, with his stats written on it. He screams his name, again like an angry whale.* *Establishing shot, outer space. What appears to be a far off, twinkling star is actually an athlete, screaming through space headfirst like a furious comet. As blood streams from his mouth and eyes, he flies into the moon, wrecking its surface with the resulting explosion. When the dust settles, the athlete's stats are written on the moon, and he rises up behind it while growling his name.* *Establishing shot, a field of skulls. There is an athlete among the skulls, naked and on his hand and knees. Suddenly, he jumps to his feet, and begins screaming nonstop as he digs his fingers into his chest. Geysers of blood spray from his chest into the pitch-black sky, where they transform into stars, quickly forming into the Milky Way. Among the stars, the athlete's stats appear.*
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Jan 11, 2015 01:42
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*the players introduce themselves one by one in front of a lightning-filled sky panorama, as each player says their name we whip cut to footage of their last three seconds alive*
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Jan 11, 2015 02:01
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*On the Saturday morning preceding the Super Bowl, Cartoon Network plays a Tenkai Knights marathon called the Tenkai-Bowl. They play all Tenkai Knights episodes back-to-back, and all of the commercial bumpers are set up like a sports show. Terry Bradshaw and John Madden talk about the characters from Tenkai Knights as if they were football players. They excitedly present stats like "villains owned" and "days saved" as if they were football stats. They also interview the characters from Tenkai Knights, which involves the voice actors talking about football over stock footage of the show. The NFL theme plays nonstop over all of these commercial bumpers.*
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Jan 11, 2015 02:46
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*the silhouette of what is clearly an all-male orgy is taking place while a Celine Dion-EDM mashup creeps in. a spotlight slowly pans toward the fracas it's the St. Louis Cardinals starting lineup!*
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Jan 11, 2015 06:28
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* An electric guitar and synth brass rendition of Queen Mary's Funeral March plays as the camera focuses on the face of a robot with eye black on both sides of one eye. It pans slowly backward through the locker room revealing it and three other robots slowly drinking motor oil along with benches that look like nude mannequins complete with fiber optic pubic hair. Above them on the wall is written Monday Night Football. * edit: Missing a bit. 1337JiveTurkey fucked around with this message at 08:12 on Jan 11, 2015 |
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Jan 11, 2015 08:07
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*a hellish wasteland covered in bolted steel volcanos spewing Transformer body parts. a picture of your mother is retrieved via bluetooth from your phone and instantly mapped onto a metallic robot body, which is raped repeatedly by an enormous quivering football constructed entirely of dripping liquid metal. Your robot mom convulses violently, her belly expanding grotesquely, until, with the force of a megaton bomb, a robotic child is hurtled from her groin to bounce upon the apathetic ground, careering into the screen, and as its forehead appears to impact your 87-inch 4K television, it impresses the image of a team of galloping horses on your screen with bold, frost-ridden letters: BUD LIGHT. Though it immediately transitions to commercial, you notice that the robot infant's face is, in fact, a blend of an expertly produced reversed-age image of yourself, also from your phone, and a football*
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Jan 11, 2015 09:55
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The people who never make it to the major networks end up doing the graphics on bowling alley monitors
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Jan 11, 2015 16:22
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complete darkness with only the sound of a beating heart. then an intense pressure, a feeling of moving very quickly and an extremely bright light. you are being lifted up as the football robot dressed in scrubs exclaims, "ARE YOU READY FOR THE MIRACLE OF FOOTBALL?" a baby is heard crying.
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Jan 11, 2015 19:33
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*a naked man takes a poo poo on the bible* ANNOUNCER: And its a wonderful start to the 2015 F1 Championship! *F1 cars race by, causing the poo poo-stained bible pages to flutter*
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Jan 11, 2015 23:43
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Slinks... wrong thread 
Luvcow fucked around with this message at 23:54 on Jan 11, 2015 |
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Jan 11, 2015 23:50
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this is the funniest thread ive read on sa in years
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Jan 12, 2015 00:37
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babypolis posted:this is the funniest thread ive read on sa in years It stopped being funny one post ago.
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Jan 12, 2015 01:00
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dpbjinc posted:It stopped being funny one post ago. Robot dpbjinc dances on a grave marked "babypolis"
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Jan 12, 2015 11:18
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*in a black scorched wasteland that is the charred bones of humanity a low poly knock off of the robot from Pacific Rim climbs from the ashes of a former super dome, he's massive in scale and the hulking shadow looms before a dim and washed out sun in a sky full of fallout* *as the ruble tumbles off the frame when it reaches full height and pauses briefly, electricity sparking down it's armor plating as several accentuating LED's light up and the words "FOOTBALL ☠☠☠" flash across the robot's visor* *the chord progression from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme reordered begins to play as the outline of several hundred equally-sized figures begin to stir in the rubble of the nameless fallen city* *as the guitar solo prepares to drop a breach in the amber skies shines light onto the shadows as a veritable army of robot gorilla transformers that are also helicopters from the future begin to scream silently and charge our footy savior* *Dual TRIPLE headed axes (z-axis blade) form as the Gypsy Danger rip-off's hands transform and retreat back into their mechanical sockets to complete the weapons* *the guitar solo peaks as a raging crowd of helicopter apes charge the football robot and together the forces of good and evil clash in classic anime fashion where a large explosions results in a cloud of pure white energy obliterating everything within 1000 miles as the voice of hologram Hank Williams reverberates through his cyber cords "R U REDY 4 SOME FOOTBAALL"*
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Jan 12, 2015 14:12
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*Can of Monster energy drink smashes into screen. Lighting bolts explode from the sides of the can and arc all over the place before forming the words "National League of Legends Championship Finals!"
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Jan 12, 2015 16:20
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*two children are wrestling on what looks like a field of bones, a piece of discarded apple core nearby* *one of the children pins the other and begins mercilessly beating his pinned foe with a human femur* *with his opponent lying bloodied and still, the victor grabs the apple core and begins to leave the field of bones, revealing the field to be a football field* *"THIS NFL TELECAST BROUGHT TO YOU BY AMERICA'S APPLE GROWERS"* e: *aatrek is seen masturbating in the stands*
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Jan 12, 2015 19:39
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*top of step ladder comes into the camera view. A visibly winded Kelly Hrudey climbs to the top holding two pieces of cardboard that say LA 3, TOR 1. The goal siren goes off, Kelly Hrudey looks annoyed. "You're watching CBC hockey night in Canada"*
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Jan 12, 2015 23:25
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A loud overbearing white noise comes blaring through your TV speakers. A series of images of decomposing animal carcasses start cycling on screen. Faintly you hear a man chanting "FOOTBALL". The chant gets louder, the white noise cancels, the words "ARE YOU READY" appear on screen in against a white background. The man keeps chanting "FOOTBALL". Star wipe to Pats fan wearing a cheese hat.
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Jan 13, 2015 02:44
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*establishing shot of a man walking down a beach by the ocean. The sky darkens, the wind picks up and the camera pans out to sea as a massive wave crashes into it, sending it twisting through the water the camera changes and follows the rushing wave as it careens through the city, demolishing buildings and sweeping away everything in its path shot changes to looking down a dark tunnel with light at the end. the camera begins to shake as water rushes in. halfway down the tunnel the froth at the front of the water transforms into liquid football players, one of which scoops a football off the ground and bursts into a well lit stadium and spikes the ball into the opposite endzone as a guitar shreds righteously. camera zooms up and turns back down to the field, revealing the Sugar Bowl logo in the center of the turf. a wave sweeps over the screen and various sea creatures swim by as the camera fades out to reveal three men sitting behind a sleek metal and glass desk in an overly large studio overlooking a football stadium.
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Jan 13, 2015 05:36
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MusyO7J2inM
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Jan 13, 2015 05:55
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*Afghanistan, 1999* *A woman dressed in the Brazilian national colors stands in the center of the field. Eleven men dressed as Germans hold rocks painted to look like soccer balls. The camera cuts to the ground as the crowd cheers and sickening thuds are heard.* *As the blood spreads into the frame, it spells out: 2014 FIFA WORLD CUP* Van Kraken fucked around with this message at 08:54 on Jan 15, 2015 |
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Jan 13, 2015 11:43
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*24 human brains flop around on the wet ground for a couple of seconds until they all sprout robotic spider legs and start crashing into each other, making sickening squish and splorch sounds until several of the brains pull out futuristic guns and shoot themselves. The remaining brains converge together to form the NFL logo, dripping with blood.
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Jan 13, 2015 21:58
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*a football robot jumps out of a spaceship and descends through the atmosphere. In a shower of sparks, it lands in the middle of a football field and runs towards the bleachers while the crowd cheers. He jumps into the stands and begins throwing fan after fan into a glowing futuristic meat grinder which has risen up from center field. The fans are converted into thousands of small metallic squares. After enough fans have been fed through the machine, the meat grinder implodes. The shockwave from the implosion scatters the huge mound of squares over the field, spelling out the phrase "FAN PICK OF THE WEEK." Five seconds later, the entire stadium explodes.
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Jan 13, 2015 22:18
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| # ? May 6, 2024 06:19 |
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*Open on an idyllic primeval forest. A man and a woman, naked but unashamed, stroll calmly between the trees, casually picking fruit from nearby bushes, taking a few moments to admire the beauty and tranquility that surrounds them. Suddenly, a serpent descends from a nearby branch, a soccer ball clutched in his writhing coils. He presents the ball to the woman, who tentatively kicks it, then quickly begins juggling it with her feet, balancing it on her head, and dribbling circles around her male companion. She offers him the ball, and he, too, soon becomes adept.* *Cut to later, the two are kicking the ball back and forth when a soft light suffuses the forest nearby. The two people, suddenly afraid, pull Barca jerseys off a nearby tree to hide their nakedness and they conceal themselves behind a bush. The Lord calls out, Adam, where are you. The man replies, "Here, Lord!" and slowly stands up from behind the bushes to reveal himself. The Lord looks and him, and at the ball he holds in his hands. "What is that?" "A football lord." The camera pans up to the Lord to reveal he is wearing a Steelers jersey. He becomes enraged; "who told you this was Football!?" "The woman, Lord. She gave unto me the ball and I did kick it around." God glares at the woman, who shrinks under his gaze. "The Serpent deceived me, Lord!" God becomes terrible in his wrath and banishes the two from the garden. As they stumble into the dry, harsh wilderness to toil, we see craggy rocks and gnarled trees in the distance. The camera ascends into the sky to reveal that the mountains are actually in the shape of the NFL logo.*
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Jan 14, 2015 02:17
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