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A letter to my parents' three cats: Dear Stupid Cat: Learn to use the loving cat flap. It is not a complicated mechanism. Just walk through it like it's not there, don't paw at it for ten minutes expecting it to Open loving Sesame. Smart Cat has figured out how to use the buttons that unlock the thing, but she has to waste her enormous kitty brain on showing you how to walk through the cat flap every single goddamn day. You're sweet and all, but Jesus gently caress you're dumber than a sack of bricks. Also stop dragging yourself on the carpet by your claws every time you get a tummy tub. I enjoy giving you tummy rubs but it is not helpful that I have to travel the entire length of the house while doing it. Dear Smart Cat: You loving smug, entitled, narcissistic rear end in a top hat. Having you as a pet is like a having a girlfriend with borderline personality disorder, you send so many mixed signals. If you ask to be petted then maybe you should appreciate it instead of walking to whatever designated petting spot you've arbitrarily decided on that day and then maybe biting me out of nowhere. It's lovely behavior and the only reason I fall for it is because I respect your intellect and also you're a cute kitty cat. But still, gently caress you. Also, stop trying to blame everything on Bigass Cat. I saw you drag those shredded papers into his favorite box, and maybe you could stop provoking him into roughhousing and then meowing pitifully when he jumps on you. He's not getting punished any more and we're onto you. You're a spoiled little princess and he's a lumbering mass of sinew, fat and mouse murder, the only reason he lets you be the dominant one is because he doesn't give a gently caress. One of these days your bullshit is going to get you hurt. Dear Bigass Cat: You're a chill bro, keep it up. But you're also a gigantic pussy in more ways than one, loving stand up for yourself once in a while, will you? Also, ease up on the dead mice, I know you mean well but my dad is really squeamish. Just eat the loving things like you eat every other thing you come across and drop them in one of your disgusting Godzilla-sized poo poo bricks.
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Jun 2, 2015 17:49
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Cat, I know chasing insects is your favorite activity and that's fine. I enjoy not having flies around the house in summer because you kill them all, even if it's a bit gross that you eat them. Please, however, refrain from this when a massive goddamn hornet flies in, I almost had a heart attack when I saw you pouncing on that thing and had to drag you away from it. The hornet is not the prey in this scenario, you loving idiot. Guildencrantz fucked around with this message at 17:00 on Jul 20, 2018 |
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Jul 20, 2018 16:54
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Thin Privilege posted:I haven’t eaten cereal in about 2 years and suddenly had a craving for it. Your cat has been looking at dank memes on your phone and now he wants to see what the fuss with lööps is about.
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Sep 16, 2018 09:57
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