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The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

quote:

My self-summary

If the FIRST LINE of your message to me is anything less than an offer for a date with a day and time suggested, I will block you.

Dear "men" of this site. You have been heard loud and clear. You want a free prostitute asap. There are plenty of services out there where you can chat with a girl or order a girl to your hotel room. Sadly instead of utilizing such services, men try to use dating sites to get around paying. This is supposed to be a DATING site. Not a chat or webcam room, not a free escort service. This is not a free version of City Vibe.

I DO NOT chat or "date online" If you want to have a conversation with me / get to know me, you need to ask me on a proper lunch or dinner date. I only date in real life. I DO NOT meet for just drinks or coffee. I will NOT meet you at a bar. I do not meet later than 8pm. I will not blow you in your car just because you bought me a sandwich.

There are plenty of decent restaurants for a date. Open to suggestions in the area or I can suggest one after you ask me out.

My phone number is not given out through this website as to avoid # collectors who only want to spam me with boner pics at 3 am so please stop asking for my #.

If you have something more than just your wiener to offer me, shoot me a message and we can discuss further in real life.

DO NOT contact me if you hate women.

What I’m doing with my life

Artsy poo poo that doesn't pay and office temp jobs that barely pay. Can tell you all about it over lunch.

Here is some community service for men who like to use the word cuddling. Watch this and you might actually learn something: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhK0K7YW4wY
I’m really good at
disappointing men with something called self-esteem and expectations. There are lots of girls on here who will spread for nothing in return. I am not one of them.

I am very domestic. My standard of cleanliness is far above most people's. I can also cook or bake anything you desire. I am available to escort you to social events. I know how to dress well. I am over educated and under skilled as far as any hope of ever making more than 20K per year. I need a man who is a high earner because I am not. You will never have to worry about feeling threatened or intimidated because you will always be more financially successful than me.

I could make a lonely socially awkward nerd a very happy man.

The six things I could never do without
1.Complete honesty. And since guys are at least honest on here I will do the same. Here is what I am looking for if we were to hit it off upon lunching or dining together:
2. You have your own place with no roommates.
3. You make at least 60K per year.
4. You never smoke and are not a weed head.
5. You are not fat or bald and can prove this with full length photos and hat free photos before we meet.
6. You are not Indian or Asian.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
The messages I get from YOU:

Here is a mere glimpse into what a dating site is like for a woman. These are just some of my favorites:

[insanely long list of horrible messages snipped]

.......apparently on this site, REAL LIFE does not count as a form of communicating.

You should message me if
you have something more than just your wiener to offer, and can express what that is in complete sentences with proper grammar.

You were raised to be a gentleman.

DO NOT contact me if your only relationships with women have been in the virtual world. A girl in Canada you skype and text with everyday but have never met IRL is not a girlfriend. Sorry to break that to you.

Agoraphobia is almost as lame as trying to bully girls on dating sites into being free hookers.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Bored
Jul 26, 2007

Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Well that's just rude. She provides a link to the Louis C.K. set, but not links to the sites that have prostitutes.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

nice, looking for ward to more :)(

CISMALES DID 9-11
Jun 5, 2002

chaotic good STEM major; INTJ
is she hot

buckets of buckets
Apr 8, 2012

CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634
she sounds like a bi0tch

The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

quote:

My self-summary
Carbon-Based Organ Husk
Model# HS01051986-2032

I'm a slightly narcissistic, wholly pessimistic, might be nihilistic, yet quite idealistic, dark, brooding, old soul. (Lyrics to a song I'll never write.)

My patronus is a blue whale. These harmless, oft-misunderstood, and occasionally vilified creatures usually travel alone or with one other and are rarely spotted in groups. Their mating habits remain much of a mystery.

My only goal in life is to be the lead singer of a Cardassian nationalist black metal band. You can bet your rear end it'll be a hell of a lot better than that Bajoran underground crap. (Rimshot)

To me amortentia would smell like sandalwood with notes of leather, evergreens, and campfires.

Remember when we were kids, and you'd meet a nice boy at the playground, and you'd play together for an hour or so, and then one of you would just ask "Do you want to be my girl/boyfwend?" Yeah, I kind of wish online dating worked in a similar way.
What I’m doing with my life
Learning how to navigate SEPTA.
Looking for work.
Trying not to be a total shut-in.
I’m really good at
Looking for par'Mach in all the wrong places.
Offering perceptive advice from a poignant perspective.
Finding new and exciting music to listen to.
Analytical thought. (Connecting dots)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Anything weird.

On a daily basis I consume copious amounts of whole, unprocessed plant foods with an emphasis on leafy green vegetables and legumes. To put it succinctly, greens & beans. I'm also quite fond of unsweetened baker's chocolate, red wine, craft beers, and espresso. You could melt my heart with a homemade hummus or perfect ratatouille. Also, Ethiopian cuisine seems to be a big thing and I've never tried it. I'm always up for trying new ethnic foods.
The six things I could never do without
Fresh vegetables
Fresh fruit
Nuts & seeds
Legumes
Herbs & spices
My salad bowl. It's huge and my salads are loving art. Seriously, they belong in the Louvre.
Honorable mentions: An algae-derived Omega-3 supplement
Sriracha
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How to not make myself sound awful on a dating website.
Nutrition.
Society's ills.
Existential nonsense.
The dichotomy between logic and emotion.
Sensuality, sexuality, eroticism, fetishism, and kink.
Love. What I believe to be common misconceptions about love, and my own yearnings for "Hollywood" romance in spite of my being aware of said misconceptions.
Conversations I've had with people. I suspect it's a form of OCD.
Kittens. Seriously, if you own nauseatingly cute cats I will use you for access to them.
Capitalism's imminent collapse.
The human condition (The human, conditioned.)
2016. That gum you like is going to come back in style.
What my life might be like if every single one of my childhood friends hadn't grown up to be any given combination of racists, substance abusers, misogynists, and homophobes.
On a typical Friday night I am
Dancing naked around my apartment, jamming to Joe Jackson.
You should message me if
You're a calming, "earth mother" type personality.
You want to go hiking and/or exploring.
You know that the worst thing about being single is the lack of cuddles.
You want to hit up a farmer's market, then head back to my place and get creative with vegetables... no, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter.
You understand that it's not all going to be okay, and you've made peace with that.

buckets of buckets
Apr 8, 2012

CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634

quote:

How to not make myself sound awful on a dating website.

nailed it

Extra Large Marge
Jan 21, 2004

Fun Shoe
I'm not really here for dating, I just want to talk to people about my opinions on Israel

Mayor Glowku
Jul 29, 2012

:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:
:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:
:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:
I am interested in reading bad profiles as it boosts my self esteem. Also post girl in OP. I wanna domesticate her :getin:

The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

quote:

My self-summary
I am snarky, ardent, loquacious, disenchanted, and assertive. I am also a nerd but I am not socially maladjusted. Those things do not go hand in hand.

Do not even talk to me if you aren't a feminist. I have no interest in someone who believes it's okay to push down anyone not male.

I'm only interested in serious relationships. Women do no exist to fill a void or to be entertainment.

I wish this was still SparkMatch.

Bullet summary:

-ENFJ or RGLM
-Will not stay tied down to Philadelphia. gently caress owning a home.
-Consider myself more of a citizen of the world and all cultures
-Should have been an anthropologist.
-I love potatoes
-I love the male voice, especially sung :3
-I love rum
-I like a lot of art forms
-I like cold teas and hot teas
-I wear contacts and glasses, depending on my mood
-I sometimes have colored contacts
-I love reese's pieces
-I have a BFA from a world renowned art university
-...but "artsy fartsy" people irritate me
-I like tasty animals but eat a lot of vegetarian.
-I want to be super rich so I can go to crazy dinner parties.
-I despise poetry
-I love music, but I just don't have the time/knowledge to continually keep up with it. I'm spread too thin on my interests. :|
-...but I loooooove guitars.
-...and I tend to like Japanese singers. No vibrato abuse?
-I'm a huge fan of eating chicken.
-I like history, and have been paid to talk about it.
-I don't like stupid tattoos. Most tattoos are stupid. ANY tattoo ruins the natural beauty of skin, and I am not a fan of that.
-I can never get enough of the Prince of Persia franchise
-I don't understand the zombie obsession, and I find it quite boring.
-Most beer is disgusting, rancid water. How do most people drink those foul brews?
-I love reenactments.
-Fish are the perfect pet and don't get enough love.
-I only go to a bar for a drink with someone specific.
-I'm still sad Greg Giraldo died.
-I love the outdoors but I don't find a reason to go camping, especially when it's cold out. I have nothing to prove.
-I want nothing to do with smoking or drugs.
-I don't care about sports and have no interest in watching them on TV... minus the occasional hockey game.
-I'm starting to see someone as a sports fan as a huge turn off.
-I'm sick of the beard fad. Shave your goddamn hipster beard, you probably look terrible with it.
-I have zero tolerance for religion.
-I fully support Occupy Wall Street.
-I want to live in NYC or LA.
-Someone who is into storytelling is a huge turn on.
-I am 100% against circumcision of babies.
-I prefer science to made up bullshit.
-I plan on traveling the world. I want to walk where Troy was, sit in the Hypostyle Hall of Luxor, eat takoyaki in Osaka, shop in Shibuya, and float in a boat over where the Battle of Red Cliffs took place.

I am into art, storytelling and design stuff. If you aren't, leave me the hell alone. :[

I need to be attracted to a mate, have at least a few things in common, and a general interest in similar stuff. I cannot stand people who refuse to try new things, and are not spontaneous a least a little. I do like planning things to a certain extent, but sometimes you have to just let go and enjoy what occurs! Someone who likes potatoes is a plus. ♥

I don't smoke, I say inappropriate things a fair amount of the time, I love good lighting, non-RPG video games, cultures and travel. I like hand inking, but really I prefer an undo button. I watch way too much History Channel, History International and Science Channel. I desperately want to travel, as I haven't in waaaaaaaaaay too long. I love Dragon*Con and nautical stars.

I have a thing for (good) police dramas. I think this comes from an inherent sense of justice, but lack of confidence in the actual judicial system. Things that apply: Law and Order, Law and Order SVU, Cold Case, Without A Trace, In Plain Sight, Detective Conan, (does Burn Notice count??). I also like a good mystery. :D

PRO-TIP: I don't like RPGs, so don't talk to me about them. (seriously, don't talk to me about them. AT ALL... except Avernum or KoL)
PRO-TIP2: Don't email me a novella, or try and play 20 questions.
PRO-TIP3: Do not send a resumé-type private message. We all have profiles for a reason.
PRO-TIP4: Don't message me and tell me you're an artist if you have lovely pictures. Au contraire!!
PRO-TIP5: Don't bother trying to "neg/negging" at me. If I even bother to respond to you, I will turn cold as ice once the jig is up. It just makes you look pathetic, and it is no person's "responsibility" to "take someone down a peg or two." I can't believe that in modern culture we have people who still need to attempt to bring others down to feel better about themselves.

I'm in Philadelphia a fair amount. I don't comprehend people who whine about travel, especially to see someone they claim to care about!

So I would say I'm curvy, but I don't think people know what curvy means.

Pet names are demeaning, especially when you are speaking to someone you do not know.

"Style is the packaging for a product; your substance is the product. You need both. Unless you create an appealing package for yourself, nobody will ever get to know the substance beneath the exterior." Chin-Ning Chu. This applies to all facets of life, especially one's physical appearance.

I might move to NYC or even LA, I'm not sure.

DEALBREAKERS:
I will not date you if you...
-are a smoker (including pot), even casually
-are obsessive over video games and cannot put it down, esp FPS
-play WoW
-want children
-don't know how to dress yourself like a respectable person in society
-say misogynistic crap, especially "jokingly"
-...and in the same vein, show early red flags for manipulation or verbal abuse
-seem to think you can keep someone in your life but not commit to them or treat them with respect
-are an alcoholic
-want someone who is going to obey you, be submissive to you in a relationship, or just in general isn't your equal in every way

Oh my god enough already. If a woman knowing what she wants in her own life is soooo scary, then you have some serious loving problems, and it has nothing to do with the woman.

Women have to deal with men being intimidating on a daily basis, so deal with it like a woman if you’re intimidated by another gender.
What I’m doing with my life
I do art, such as webcomics and other various artwork.

Pennsylvania is rather boring and doesn't have my industries. :|
I’m really good at
Not dealing with people's bullshit.

Also painting and anything to do with colors.

I love watching a movie and then dissecting it, but I won't go to see just any movie. Most movies are only created to be a money machine. :/
The first things people usually notice about me
Most people tell me how friendly and outgoing I am. Anyone who thinks the rest of my profile proves this wrong doesn't comprehend what assertive means.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Piers Anthony, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, H.P. Lovecraft, Sun Tzu, Geoffrey Chaucer, Jane Austen, George R. R. Martin, does Bruce Timm count in this section??

Movies: The Devil's Advocate, The Little Mermaid, Accepted, The Cat from Outer Space, Queen of the Damned, Poseidon Adventure, Prince of Persia; Sands of Time, Legally Blond, Iron Man, Captain America, The Avengers, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy

Shows: In Plain Sight, Law and Order, L&O SVU, Burn Notice, White Collar, The Daily Show, anything historical narrated by Leonard Nimoy, Doctor Who, Graham Norton, Red Dwarf, Friday Night Dinner, Game of Thrones

Nerd stuff:
Anime/animated: Oreimo, Yu Yu Hakusho, Puella Magi, Detective Conan/Case Closed, Tiger & Bunny, Escaflowne, Princess Jellyfish, Young Justice, Avatar, Thundercats 2011, Adventure Time, Natsume Yuujincho, Legend of Korra, Attack on Titan

Video Games: Prince of Persia everything, Devil May Cry, Legend of Zelda, Professor Layton, Phoenix Wright, Dynasty Warriors

Music: I love a lot of music, but I'll shorten it to these: Vaeda, Head Phones President, Mai Kuraki, 30 Seconds to Mars, Three Days Grace, Lisa Loeb, Yoko Kanno, Emma Burgess, Stuart Chatwood

I really like a lot of Kpop and Jpop. :3

Food: I like most food except spicy, and I won't touch most seafood. I love any form of potatoes, and vegetarian sushi... but I'm not a vegetarian, meat is too yummy and essential for a good diet... but most of the stuff I eat consists of delicious vegetables.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The fact that it's so hard for humans to think about the universe expanding into the void. We're so used to everything having a limit, that expansive nothingness is just... intense.

How completely selfish and hosed up it is that men want women to risk their health and their very life to give the guy a tiny version of himself.
On a typical Friday night I am
Napping.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm not a private person, and I lose respect for anyone who utters the phrase "airing dirty laundry" because they want to hide their poor choices and how they treat others with contempt from the world... but I do have a compound bow for hunting! Never shot anything, those little shits know when you're in the woods and hungry.
I’m looking for

Straight guys only
Ages 29–35
Near me
Who are single
For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if
You think Parry was right. (this is not about politics)

freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason/2013/05/02/why-you-shouldnt-tell-that-random-girl-on-the-street-that-shes-hot/

DO NOT MESSAGE ME FOR DATING IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT OR COMPLICATED.

I am in now way, shape or form looking for someone as old as 50. Leave me alone.

Don't loving ask me if I'm "domme." If you do, it's an immediate block. The sheer stupidity of anyone asking me this is just... amazing. Rude doesn't begin to cover it.

Don't waste your time and message me if you're in your early 20's, have children, are polywhatever, have no interest in long term relationships, aren't artistic, have no passion, are obsessed with camping or working out, and don't understand basic punctuation.

I won't reply if you don't have at least 2 or 3 photos that are clear, and if your sidebar and profile aren't both filled out. Oh also, if you have a photo of you giving the camera the finger, it's an instant turn off. It makes you look like a colossal asshat.

I do not care how you think I look. I'm not so low on self esteem or confidence that I need strangers to tell me they approve of my bone structure.

Don't bother messaging me if your favorite video game is Halo.

***If you have a religion listed in your sidebar, I'm not even bothering.***

I will know if you don't read my profile and I won't reply. If you actually did read this, tell me your favorite color in the message. Otherwise, I will not respond to you.

If I can respond to your obvious neg with, "And I might wonder why, with so evident a desire to offend and insult me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason and even against your character," do not bother sending the message. I will most likely just respond with that copy pasted.

The only men scared of speaking to a woman who is sure of herself is the one who is weak willed and has no confidence.

Since apparently this is "critique week," if you feel the urge to send me a "critique," you can keep your lovely opinion to yourself. Nobody asked you, nobody cares. If you think my profile is negative, you are a complete and utter idiot.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

quote:

My self-summary
I can never stop farting until I meet my one true love. Only he can break the spell. I'm farting right now as I type this.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

signing up now

CISMALES DID 9-11
Jun 5, 2002

chaotic good STEM major; INTJ
i am still waiting to know if the girl in the op is hot

The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

CISMALES DID 9-11 posted:

i am still waiting to know if the girl in the op is hot

She's a bit mannish looking, but not hideous. I'm not posting pictures because I got in trouble for that in the e/n dating thread.

quote:

My self-summary
You can call me… Ahuviya (Ahu for short) , Chairwoman/People’s Republic of Ahuviya Harel (official Communist titular names), Lady Gulag (My BDSM Mistress/Dom name), Jingles (My BDSM Slave/Sub name), or Harel (my last name in Military situations).

I identify as… a queer-as-gently caress pansexual and poly Male-to-Female persyn, leaning androgyne and very anti-capitalist. I’m not really a girl, but I’m definitely not a boy either. I’m something else. I have been on Estrogen, how I continue with my gender transition is a very personal matter. I feel my transition is a fluid and working laboratory of gender to experiment, but nonetheless – I love my Queer body.

As far as third-person pronouns go, … please use She, Her, They, Them, Ze, Hir. Whatever pronouns, as long as it’s not those loving male pronouns, like “He, His, or Him.”

I’m attracted to… bones, scars, hands, legs, feet, and pretty eyes. Doesn’t matter what your biological parts are or what gender you identify as; if I find you attractive I find you attractive. No questions asked.
What I’m doing with my life
No job, no real plans with returning to school - Priority is my Gender Transition and winning Social Security Disability at this time with my life. The former I have been transitioning Male to Andrygyne Female since 2010, Disability since 2013 started (I have Asperger Syndrome, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and Fibromyalgia - I cannot hold a part time job, let alone any full-time one).

My leisure time consists of Dressing up in black and yelling at cops at protests, Aggressive Inline Skating (kinda beginner jumping curbs and bullshit) , Drawing, Cosplay (Which I plan to return to doing at some point) , and Urban/Street Photography
I’m really good at
Drawing, painting, anything art-related. Photography (need a new camera) and skating
The first things people usually notice about me
My Queerness, and my Andrygyne looks, Very Radical political views
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Too many to list - Add me on Facebook to learn more
The six things I could never do without
Skating
Cosplaying
Swiss Cheese
Chocolate
Art
Revolution
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Politics: How to smash capitalism (I currently Identify as a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist, but not orthodox about it - though, I dress more Queer Anarcho-Punk/Goth these days, I sometimes rock the Chairman Mao badge over my heart) , Queer/Transgender issues, Direct Action Tactics for protests, Smashing Cispartiarchy.
On a typical Friday night I am
Protesting, Meditating, Beating up nazis, Drawing, gently caress The Police Marches, dying my hair, Black Blocking Rich peoples' poo poo
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a military uniform fetish (rather fond of Maoist-Era People's Republic of China PLA Uniforms (1949-1976) , Soviet Army Uniforms (World War II to the Collapse of the USSR (1939-1991) , anything from North Korea (1945-Present Day) , South African Army uniforms (SADF during Apartheid) and Communist East Germany.
You should message me if
you can stomach dating a Transwoman with a history of Mental Health issues. If you can go through a three-hour punk show without saying any Homophobic, Transphobic, Racist, or Ableist. If you can support Me in the event I get arrested/incarcerated/involuntarily hospitalized.

Mr. Creakle
Apr 27, 2007

Protecting your virginity



Holy gently caress what are you typing in the OKC search bar to find people like this

Phoon
Apr 23, 2010

potatoes??

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

Cuckoo posted:

Holy gently caress what are you typing in the OKC search bar to find people like this

These are his matches based on a 30 dimensional personality analysis.

Top City Homo
Oct 15, 2014


Ramrod XTreme

slam whale holy grail

Fidel Cuckstro
Jul 2, 2007

It's cool that we've kind of messed up relationships to this point where this is how people approach dating.

Top City Homo
Oct 15, 2014


Ramrod XTreme

The Monkey Man posted:

She's a bit mannish looking, but not hideous. I'm not posting pictures because I got in trouble for that in the e/n dating thread.

a transwoman with a history of mental issues


what the

Over There
Jun 28, 2013

by Azathoth

The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

Top City Homo posted:

a transwoman with a history of mental issues


what the

She denied being transsexual when I first saw her profile, but that line was gone when I copied and pasted it for this thread.

Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012

by Fluffdaddy
last time i used okc people posted a few paragraphs at most what in the gently caress happened

Top City Homo
Oct 15, 2014


Ramrod XTreme

lol

Over There is getting eraped

Mr Luxury Yacht
Apr 16, 2012



Going to start an A Capella group called the Complete Anal Harmonies.

Frog Act
Feb 10, 2012




complete anal harmony sounds like something from system shock 2

basement jihadist
Oct 3, 2002

oegmamion

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
About me:
I am ISFJ (the worst MB personality)

old fat bird
Oct 27, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
I love the ones that take 5 paragraphs to explicitly explain THEY DON'T DO HOOKUPS and begrudgingly dog whistle whoever the last person was to do a hit and run on their cooch DON'T BOTHER MESSAGING ME IF YOU THINK YOU'RE JUST ENTITLED TO BE IN SOMEONES LIFE WITHOUT EVER COMMITING. Who is loving/contacting these girls? When you put that type of poo poo in your profile it makes you the female equivalent of the dude loudly bemoaning that all girls just friendzone guys and how no one ever messages him back

CRIP EATIN BREAD
Jun 24, 2002

Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T



Soiled Meat
not okcupid but here's some online dating pro-tips:

quote:

Sup, CRIP EATIN BREAD here, and I have some tips that will help you get some curvy gamer girls or even someone stupid enough to actually meet you.

i'm not actually going to give away my script because I don't want everyone in the world who can copy/paste it do it, and plus it was a fun exercise.

the success rate is surprising, this was more of a social experiment because a buddy of mine told me he hosed 6 girls in 6 days from this site, and the pictures he texted me of their naked bodies were pretty good. i figured i'd yos it up and bit and automate the boring stuff.

What you'll need:
  • A computer
  • Access to the internet
  • Some sort of scripting language (bash supremacy)
  • curl or wget
  • A text editor (vim)
  • A plentyoffish.com account
  • The ability to string together some words with periods separating thoughts.

alright, so here we go, what you need to do is to create an account for plentyoffish.com, and probably fill in some forms. just post poo poo and try to get a picture of yourself where you dont have cheeto dust all over your face and your guts not hanging out. got it? good. now we get to the fun part, the scripting.

first step, you need to get the cookies for PoF stored locally on your machine in the netscape cookie.txt format. unfortunately chrome uses a different format, so I used this cookie.txt export extension. it makes a button in chrome that formats your cookies for you. copy and paste that poo poo in a file, you'll need it.

now figure out pof's url format for searching, it's very simple, because they put everything in the url parameters, and there's no captchas on the site.

It looks sorta like this:

http://www.pof.com/basicsearch.aspx...age=2&count=500

change minage, maxage and z_code to the age range you want and zip code you want, and you can gently caress with the other paramaters to find other poo poo. whatever, the fact you like old ladies who are of middle eastern descent is not the focus of this post. what you'll do is do a for loop in your scripting language to get all the profiles.

basically this:

code:
for i in {1..25}
do
    curl --cookie PATH_TO_COOKIES_DOT_TEE_EX_TEE "http://www.pof.com/basicsearch.aspx?page={$i}"
done

you've just done a search through 25 pages. now use sed or grep or whatever to get all the viewprofile links. its pretty simple, your regex will look something like /viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=[1-9]* and extract all of them.

now you have all your potential targets, just append that url to the base url. simply pass these urls back into the curl script, which can be automated if you're not terrible with sed or grep or whatever. if you are, get t he gently caress out of yospos. make sure to pass your cookie file again!

now you can simply spam all of them with a message by passing the form data. the thing is you need to get all the inputs from the form, whichi s really easy to parse. then fill in the "message" form item. make up a message, i used something along the lines of:

"hey ive never used dating sites before, so i dont know how this goes, blah blah blah blah"

use proper sentences and poo poo, chicks love that poo poo. try to play off the fact that you're not a creepy dude who just wrote a script to automate online dating. spam the same message to everyone.

for better effectiveness, you can have y our script output all the people you've already messaged so you don't duplicate messages, and run it as a cron job. now every girl that signs up will get your message automatically. the ones who just signed up are not as battle-hardened so you're more likely to get a response.

now all you gotta do is just wade through the responses and and set your poo poo up. this has a ridiculous success rate for something.

Gaunab
Feb 13, 2012
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
i'm looking for a white male

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

CRIP EATIN BREAD posted:

not okcupid but here's some online dating pro-tips:

this works and tomorrow i will gently caress

Blue Raider
Sep 2, 2006

this thread is a waste without pics

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

really looking forward to doing a gently caress tomorrow. better get some sleep so i look my best good night all

Fidel Cuckstro
Jul 2, 2007

There's a fabled time where dating itself wasn't a commodity. You kinda stumbled into and out of relationships and slowly tried to learn from it, while being aware each next relationship was new and different and maybe had nothing to do with the last. In fact the acts themselves somehow managed to be more important than the symbolism of them. Thankfully, we've moved beyond such small-minded thinking.

Jerry Mumphrey
Mar 11, 2004

by zen death robot

(and can't post for 4 years!)

Applewhite posted:

My self-summary
I can never stop farting until I meet my one true love. Only he can break the spell. I'm farting right now as I type this.

he have to kiss her on the butthole to break the goblin's curse

CISMALES DID 9-11
Jun 5, 2002

chaotic good STEM major; INTJ

Blue Raider posted:

this thread is a waste without pics

Mayor Glowku
Jul 29, 2012

:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:
:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:
:pcgaming: :pcgaming: :pcgaming:

Gaunab posted:

i'm looking for a white male

:eyepop:

n4
Jul 26, 2001

Poor Chu-Chu : (
I find people with these very rigid, belligerent profiles kind of fascinating. It's like they're saying "gently caress you rear end in a top hat, meet all my crazy rigid standards and controls and you can date me". I just really wonder what kinda results they get in life with that attitude / neurosis / delusion.

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The Monkey Man
Jun 10, 2012

HERD U WERE TALKIN SHIT

n4 posted:

I find people with these very rigid, belligerent profiles kind of fascinating. It's like they're saying "gently caress you rear end in a top hat, meet all my crazy rigid standards and controls and you can date me". I just really wonder what kinda results they get in life with that attitude / neurosis / delusion.

This is why I don't mention any of my dealbreakers in my profile.

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