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Bill Clinton somehow convinced Congress to give him close to $50 million dollars for personal discretionary funds, which he then used to finance the research (and subsequent development of) detachable dicks. It's rumored that Mr. Clinton volunteered to be the first recipient of a detachable dick, and that the dick did something to him...that it...changed...Mr. Clinton on a fundamental level. Mr. Clinton was known to sneak around the White House and spent hours hiding from nobody in particular; furthermore, he kept a journal of his "thoughts", but it was later revealed that the journal was just page after page of (you guessed it) drawings of dicks. Mr. Clinton would later go on to say that the drawings were his ideas for new types of detachable dicks, i.e. "future dicks". But many found the cryptic drawings to be something more sinister. Here was a picture of a pudgy, bald, bespectacled dick; here was a picture of two dicks flying into two towers; here was a dick standing on a pile of other dicks. Mr. Clinton has never explained these drawings.
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Feb 28, 2015 08:27
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 01:17 |
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ShaqDiesel posted:Odd that you omit the reports of the dicks becoming sentient... Oh good let the dicks right out of the bag, why don't you...
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Feb 28, 2015 20:08
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"Forty-two keys made of high-polished rose gold. The body is reinforced with aircraft-grade titanium alloy. And see this key guard here? This key guard is fashioned from the bumper of the Lincoln Continental that JFK was shot in." "And uh..." With a finger, President Clinton lazily gestures to the tip of the saxophone, where the neck splits like a hydra and terminates in half a dozen heads "...this here?" "Ah," the scientist smiles and nods sagely. "Six mouthpieces." Clinton balls a fist under his chin and mmmhmmms. "In the studies, we found that six mouthpieces were better than one. Theoretically, this will enable the player to create six times the sound." "Can I...give her a blow?" "By all means!" Like Indiana Jones, the president cautiously lifts the saxophone from the stainless steel gurney it was wheeled in on. The gurney has a Presidential Seal engraved on it. He throws the strap over his shoulder and begins to play. At first, the song begins like any other ordinary song. But as he plays, the music begins to transcend the fabric of space and time; it leaves the bell of the saxophone as a stream of pulsing color and light, and fills the room with a rainbow of ethereal energy that swirls around the two men like heavy fog. But the president seems oblivious to the "music". He just fingers the keys faster, and blows the mouthpiece(s) longer and harder. The scientist soon realizes that he is no longer hearing the music with his ears--he is hearing it deep inside his body, like a resonance frequency that vibrates down to something that dwells in the spongy red mush within his bones. "I was not a religious man!" the scientist shouts. "But I now know--with absolute certainty--that there dwells a holy spirit in each of us, and that this device's music is its meat and drink!" Clinton jams out even harder, and the "notes" begin to flow into one another as a constant, unyielding sound. "OH GOD" the scientist moans and falls to his knees in horror and ecstasy. Blood drips from his nose. The walls and and floor melt away, as do the gurney, the chairs, and the lights. In fact, nothing conventionally solid remains. The two float in an impossible void filled with music, somewhere on the fringes of the universe.
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Mar 1, 2015 01:28
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