dogcrash truther posted:

Weekend Bridges posted:

The apathy and boredom of New England caused 21 people to lose their lives on January 15th, 1919, when they failed to muster the imagination to outrun molasses.

no they will not posted:

My post in this thread
_{by g0m}

me: listen lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.
Boss: You're fired, from your job at the slapping the dick out of my mouth factory.

THE END

Concept
g0m

Writing
g0m

Special thanks
dogcrash truther
mom

dogcrash truther posted:

i flunked out posted:

lol

posting smiling posted:

holiday tap
set your faucet to the red side
turn it all the way on
let preheat until it's not cold
catch the water into a cup
waft over bottle of peppermint listerine [variation "hard holiday tap": pour in just a bit of the listerine]
lie down on the floor by the heat vent

posting smiling posted:

the path that you chose
has set me in throes
of anger, that said
(now that i've cooled my head)
i'm rather appalled by the things that i said
about bruising you,
burning you,
flicking your dick
in the cool light of day it sounds, rather, quite sick!
so if my words sounded unhinged, violent, disjointed
just know i'm not angry, only disappointed

FutonForensic posted:

same. I feel like I haven't seen a dog in--what the gently caress is that?

could it be??? have the prophecies come true???

FutonForensic posted:

it's a dog, everyone! a dog's finally come t--oh god loving dammit

FutonForensic posted:

son of a bitch. you motherfucker. false alarm everyone. we'll try again tomorrow

Qwerinty posted:

sid steals a minute quantity of ingredients to make dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings every night for years and years until he can build his own pizza like he always dreamed, just like the weird al verion of that johnny cash song

Qwerinty posted:

the world around me is rubble and ash. i have survived, hiding in my clawfoot tub and rocking out the blast. i'm.. the only one left. i have all the time in the world. *tub stopper is melted to a pile of rubble* no.. it's not fair.. there was TIME now

Stinky_Pete posted:

This was a big tall van and the license place says stoner 5!

So is this person the fifth stoner, or can the van hold 5 stoners?

Thingyman posted:

uh, the s is clearly meant to be a five and the five is supposed to be an s, so it says "five toners." guys a printer salesman.

Thingyman posted:

even the van says "5 printer" on it, jeez man

Budget Prefuse posted:

hey guys. prefuse aka "The Fuse" aka "gently caress off retard" here. i've been LOVING the physical newsletters you guys have been sending to our apartment but me and bwatts are getting worried about some of the contents? the great posts section is just my name written in blood a hundred times. not sure if that's like...a post someone made? i might have missed that one. but im pretty sure there wasn't a photoshop thread about "the worst and most painful ways prefuse could die". one of the images is me being gunned down at the recent paris terror attacks but i'm not even a fan of eagles of death metal so i'm not even sure why i would be there. don't think you thought that one out very well. also i've been getting really creepy phone calls and i KNOW it's lizard wizard because he makes this really gross breathing sound that sounds like it's been directly ripped from a youtube video titled "Creepy Demon Noises REAL 2015".

anyways i love the rest of the contents guys and the scarf that was included is doing a really great job at keeping me warm. hope we can clear up whatever is going on and get back to yobbing. cheers guys

Robot Made of Meat posted:

The dessicant pack is not an oxygen absorber, but a moisture absorber. It exists for a purpose. That purpose is its sole reason for existing. The pack absorbs moisture. It does not think, it does not reason. It does not question. Absorbing moisture is its raison d'etre.

Day and night. Through all time and tempest, the pack absorbs. All it asks is that you do not eat it.

But you did. You ignored its warning, and now it's in you. It will continue its purpose. It will dessicate. It will subsume you and your juices until you are free from the moisture which plagues you.

Life will go on as always for some of us. But for the dessicated, time has stopped. Stasis has ocurred. Changelessness is now your destiny. Embrace it, for it is your future.

google THIS posted:

you think it's a coincidence that commercial beef jerky has those packets in it?

that's how they make it. they feed a desiccant packet to a cow and the next morning they sweep what's left into a plastic bag

posting smiling posted:

*mr grumman answers the phone*: yes... yes.... well there's only one problem with your tank idea: i didn't think of it first! hahaha. if you look out your window, you'll be pleased to find your reward!

*afro doug pulls ope nthe curtains revealing a fleet of chinook helicopters lowering his house into the heart of syria*

grumman: isis is your problem now.

dave. posted:

additional wisdom lessons learned throughout life:
-chai is good
-chai is actually bad. fuckign youths.
-gently caress the youths
-you can order a "Dirty earl grey" at starbucks and that means they put espresso in it. it tastes disgusting.
-at this point you learn to like eating snails (Esçargot)
-chai is good again..seriously
-rap music starts sounding like howling ape noises
-dementia sets in
-pantry is full of boxes of chai. your children wonder where you even got all of it from
-dig out a secret basement with your bare hands
-sex organs stop working
-start sleeping in your cool new basement. your family makes a surprise visit but cant find you. you hide in wait and watch them through the air vents
-htey open your pantry laughing about the dumb chai thing. it's not so funny anymore after your daughters fucker husband gets utterly crushed by a falling pallet of it
-daughter and her son, trying to escape, run into your stuffed dog collection. they are no longer your family. Merely trespassers in your shrine to Jupiter
-Blood is blood and chai is chai.... the last they'll hear is my battle cry

no they will not posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2QK6J7fKGc

Splatmaster posted:

Holly came from Goons With Spoons
Burned a batch of home-made macaroons
The other posters called her a phony
Instead of coconut she used macaroni
BYOB said, "Hey, babe,
Bake a cake on the mild side."
They said, "Hey, honey,
Bake a cake on the mild side."

Candy came from Pet Island
She had a pit bull that could get violent
Her pit bull read some Yobber threads
The next time he had to go out instead
He says, "Hey, babe,
Take me out on the mild side."
He says, "Hey, babe,
Take me out on the mild side."
And the Yobbers go:

Chill, chill chill, chill chill, chill chill chill
Chill, chill chill, chill chill, chill chill chill c h i l l


Little Joe never understood FYAD
Just because it wasn't his cup of tea
A vague reference here
And a subtle hint there
Pretty soon Joe
Got pretty scared
And they said, "Hey, Joe,
Why don't you post on the mild side."
They said, "Hey, Joe,
Won'tcha post on the mild side?."

Sugar Plum Fairy came and hit the streets
Looking for soul food and a place to eat
Went looking for Goons With Spoons
Ended up in Goons in Platoons
They said, "Hey, SOLDIER!,
Take a march on the mild side."
They said, "Hey, SOLDIER!,
Take a march on the mild side."
All right, huh

Jackie is just speeding away
Thought she was James Dean for a day
If it weren't for her vanity
She could've asked Automotive Insanity
They'd say, "Hey, babe,
Take a drive on the mild side."
They'd say, "Hey, babe,
Take a ride on the mild side."

And the Yobbers go:

Chill, chill chill, chill chill, chill chill chill
Chill, chill chill, chill chill, chill chill chill c h i l l

google THIS posted:

City of Glompton posted:

Android Blues posted:

tom waits hunches like a gargoyle over his desk to write letters with tar instead of ink and sends them to nick cave who sends back vials of dust from a burnt down town in the old west. all the letters are is increasingly aggressive growls and coughs transposed to paper. pitchfork reports on this as a feud but at least one of either waits or cave views it as a collaboration

i flunked out posted:

me, in third grade, playing with clay: mmmmm look at that guys. its a horse that has udders like a cow. I call it a corse!

a fully grown scientist that lives in a giant castle turned laboratory on the top of a dark hill: look at this my fellow colleagues. iive bred two fine specimens of mammals, the horse and the cow, and created a new type of animal entirely. I call it a corse *evil cackle*!

posting smiling posted:

when people tell me to do something with my life, i run a quick cost benefit analysis, and then i sit down to wait patiently for death.

Afro Doug posted:

donald trump is basically a jerky boys character given flesh. and thats why i love him and want to kiss him, i want to rustle his hair but then fix it because i know how much appearances mean to him. flash forward me and him are old people and we're sitting on the front porch and i offer him a bit of lemonade. we fight a lot but thats just the way we show our affection. 150 years of marriage hasn't slowed us down one bit

Zorodius posted:

OBAMA: Well Donald, I don't know how it happened, but you won. Here's the keys to the White House. Try not to mess anything up too bad, okay?

TRUMP: Of course. But this country does need a few... minor changes...

the earth rumbles. Cracks split the ground. Huge chunks of concrete an regolith begin collapsing from around the White House grounds, tumbling into a vast abyss.

TRUMP: A-ha-ha-ha...

The White House rises upward on a pillar of stone. On the sides are carved massive letters, fifty feet high, spelling T-R-U-M-P. Donald Trump's eyes begin to blaze a scalding white, and he levitates into the air, hairpiece quivering in an unearthly wind.

TRUMP: AH-HA-HA-HA!

Beams of white energy burst from Donald's eyes, striking targets from a thousand miles off. Natural-growth forests are sparked aflame. University libraries explode into smoldering ruin. Muslims are incinerated where they stand, vanishing in a hiss of vapor. Records of bankruptcy filings are burnt to nothing more than ash.

Above, dark clouds seem to gather, drawing closer. But this is no storm: Dollar bills have taken flight, flapping like the wings of bats, come to heed their master's call.

At the center of the swarm, an orange-haired god looks down, and beholds the world that he will end.

Thingyman posted:

Thingyman posted:

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

the entire tom waits thread is just like, real fuckin good

City of Glompton posted:

congrats to qwerinty and co for making it to the front page. thank you g0m for giving a funny thread its due.

Schmeichy posted:

remember the reason for the season

City of Glompton posted:

congrats to qwerinty and co for making it to the front page. thank you g0m for giving a funny thread its due.

Budget Prefuse posted:

so here i am relaxing on the second day of christmas when i hear something being thrown against my door. i open it to find a brown package with no address or name on it but it's covered in blood and smells like piss so i'm PRETTY sure it's from my B Y O B secret santa! (squee!)

let's open it up!


o m g it's literal trash. i love trash! this little guy is going to feel right at home among my other empty soda cans (in the trash can)


it's day of the tentacle on a floppy disk. love it! i'm sure you must have searched your attic for at least 5 minutes to find this. what a thoughtful gift.


an old dirty harmonica! i don't recall mentioning it around here, but i have no idea how to play one of these loving things. awesome!

and last but definitely least

it's a used piece of tissue! haha. it's cold so i've definitely got a seasonal reason for using it. too bad you thought of the same thing and used it first!

well that's it. that's everything that was in the box. thank you so much. love the gifts. please stop throwing dead pigeons at my window

Gross Dude posted:

All I ever wanted to do was cook a good meal.

But, my boss would constantly catch me at work looking up recipes online and sneaking glances at my cook books. And, when I'd go home at night, my wife would call me a pansy and a wuss for wanting to do what she considered a woman's job.

Well, one day, I snuck off to the bank's vault at my office to read my recipes in peace, when the door slammed shut during a nuclear raid. When I finally managed to escape, the world had been destroyed. Everything I knew was obliterated and destroyed. But, I was determined to make the most of my ordeal. I went to the local grocery store and stocked up on all of the spices and erected a spice rack in the one kitchen in town that remained standing.

After I had made and filled a spice rack with all the spices I could find in the wasteland that used to be my hometown. I triumphantly slammed my cookbook down on the counter. The force caused my spices to topple from the wall and shatter all over the floor.

I was aghast, and all I could yell to the heavens was, "There was thyme now, there was thyme."

Piso Mojado posted:

clown-forum.net says that they only have 3 members online, but you know there's like 30 of them crammed in there.

pig slut lisa posted: