- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Also, I can't believe I forgot about ghost-splosions.
Claudius did too, evidently, but he seems to be doing well enough despite that. Enlisting an entire castle's worth of murderers by promising them wealth and comfort in the afterlife was pretty clever of him.
It would have worked, too, if Ophelia wasn't such a talented murderer herself. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern had better watch out!
quote:
"Hello Mrs. Rosencrantz," you say politely as she answers her door. "Are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern home?"
"Yeah, they're downstairs," she says.
As you walk down the stairs, you become aware of Mrs. Rosencrantz behind you, carrying a large knife.
"Why Mrs. Rosencrantz, you wouldn't be planning to kill me, would you?" you say.
She answers by trying to stab you in the back, but you dodge, use your own momentum against her, and send her flying down the stairs. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look up from the game they're playing to see her body hit the landing.
"That," you say as you descend and step over the mangled Mrs. Rosencrantz, "is going to keep happening."
Ten minutes later, after several trips carrying Rosencrantz and Guildenstern up the stairs and then pushing them down again, all that's left of them are two bruised and broken bodies, their lifeless eyes gazing back at you.
"Hey," you say, it's not polite... to STARE."
TWO IN A ROW!
I warned you, bros. I warned you about Ophelia.
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Jul 19, 2015 17:38
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 28, 2024 01:55
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- Oblivion4568238
- Oct 10, 2012
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The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
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College Slice
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The sentries will perhaps have actual weapons training, being guards and all, so let's go to court and kill the courtiers.
Honestly, a little disappointed Ryan North went with that joke instead of a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead joke. There needs to be at least one of those somewhere in here.
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Jul 19, 2015 18:07
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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Honestly, a little disappointed Ryan North went with that joke instead of a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead joke. There needs to be at least one of those somewhere in here.
Probably because Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead wasn't written by Shakespeare and might still have a copyright.
Kill Marcus and co.
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Jul 19, 2015 18:38
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- lurksion
- Mar 21, 2013
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Kill the sentries first. Can't have them seeing us.
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Jul 20, 2015 03:07
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Time to whack the guards who started this whole mess. After all, if they had just kept their mouths shut about the ghost wandering around the castle platform and not called up Horatio to see we wouldn't be going through any of this.
quote:
The three of them are up on a castle parapet, looking out over the edge at the ground far below. You walk up behind them. "Hey boys, seen any ghosts lately?" you say.
"Actually, yes, two of them!" replies Bernardo, turning around. "And one said that if I die while trying to kill Ophelia, I'll gain ghost powe--" The sentence dies on his lips when he sees you.
"Boo," you say.
Bernardo runs at you, but you sidestep him easily, and he falls over the edge of the parapet and hits the ground far below with a sickening crunch. "Leaving so soon?" you say.
Marcellus and Francisco glance at each other, then run at you, their swords drawn. You duck and spin, cutting off their feet. They fall off the edge as well, landing near Bernardo. You kick their disembodied feet off the parapet and down onto their lifeless bodies.
"Go on," you say, "shoo." OH WOW, THAT WAS A TERRIBLE PUN SINCE THEY WEREN'T EVEN WEARING SHOES, BUT WE'RE STILL COUNTING IT FOR THREE IN A ROW!!
All that's left of these background characters are the courtiers! These murders you've done so far have taken a while, so it's early morning now and the royal court is not in session anymore. (I should tell you that the royal court hours are from midnight to 4 a.m. and noon to 6 p.m.; it's weird but whatever.)
No worries though! YOU'LL JUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM INDIVIDUALLY.
Ophelia's too excited to let this murdertrain stop just yet. Lock your doors!
quote:
While you do that, you try to imagine how you'd recount their deaths to a third party, perhaps in prose. You reflect that one of the advantages writing has over, say, real life, is that you can say things quickly without having to go into too much detail.
Is it cheating your audience? "I mean, it can be," you reason, "but it isn't necessarily cheating. Probably my audience wouldn't want to read about dozens of grisly murders, no matter how good my one-liners are at the end. Even if I did cut off the top of someone's head so that their brains fell into their hands while I said, 'Hold that thought,'" you add. "And then I said, 'Oh wow, that was off the top of my head!'" you conclude.
Anyway, long story short, all the courtiers are dead and it was awesome!! All that's left are Polonius and Laertes, Queen Gertrude, and a bunch of people you barely see but who are still technically all up in your hamlet. You decide to kill those people you barely know first, so you'll be levelled up as much as possible for your climactic showdown.
There's a priest who hangs around town ("Say your prayers," you say), a chef ("Try tonight's special: skewers"), a few shopkeepers ("We're having a big sale on stabs this weekend, and EVERYTHING MUST GO"), some ambassadors ("I'm afraid you've been recalled... TO HELL"), and so on until the only people left are people you know.
So! This is it, Ophelia. There are only three more people left to kill.
What a day. Elsinore is suddenly a very lonely, very bloody place.
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Jul 21, 2015 13:32
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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Time to kill the family.
Laertes and Polonius
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Jul 21, 2015 15:27
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- Cowboy Otis
- Feb 23, 2015
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Gertrude, cuz why not? Let's go after the big fish.
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Jul 22, 2015 03:50
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Family first! Laertes and Polonius! plus Gertrude can then be an appropriate final boss
Don't hold your breath; not everybody in Elsinore is yet accounted for. Ophelia's still hard at work, though!
quote:
"Dad," you say, nodding to Polonius. "Bro," you say, nodding to Laertes. "What is up?"
You notice Polonius and Laertes both have their swords drawn and are advancing on you.
"Now, simmer down, fellas," you say. "We're all family here, right? I'm sure if a ghost told you to murder me you'd come talk to me about it and not attack me outright, right?"
Polonius's response is to jab his sword at you. You parry it easily, sending his sword skittering across the room. "Really, Dad? Well Laertes, YOU'RE certainly not going to try to kill me, right?"
Laertes' response is to jab his sword at you too. It works just as well for him as it did for his father, and now both men face you, unarmed. "Well. Seems I have the advantage, guys. So! Let me ask you a question. Do you think I look like you? Because people always said they could see the family resemblance."
"No?" says Laertes, and you cut off his head in three quick strikes. It slides off his neck and [sic] onto to the floor.
"Really?" you say to your dead brother. "Because I always thought that when it came to me, you were a DEAD RINGER."
You turn to Polonius. "Imagine he worked as a bell ringer, then it's even better," you say.
"These aren't very good one-liners," he replies, "and I say this as your father. You need, I don't know, an editor or something."
"I suppose I do need to make a few--" you begin, but are interrupted by Polonius.
"Don't say 'cuts,'" he says.
"CUTS!!!" you say, slicing Polonius up and killing him in the process. "It's been a slice," you say, "but now I must BLADE you adieu."
Polonius comes back to life long enough to say "THAT PUN IS OLDER THAN STALE BREAD. IT IS OLDER THAN THE DUST ON STALE BREAD, ACTUALLY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT" and then he's dead again. Ouch. Sick burns on you, Ophelia! But he's dead now, so whatever.
If you're going to kill everyone, there's just one thing left to do, Ophelia!
I'll admit, these two murders went completely different than I expected. Elsinore really has gone bonkers lately. Let's finish the place off by striking down the Queen of Denmark!
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"Ophelia," she says, greeting you [sic] cooly. "I see you've had a busy night. It appears I'm the only one left alive, and if I don't miss my guess, you're here to kill me too."
"Right on target," you say.
"Well. Do you care to make it interesting?" she asks. "Should you beat me at a game, then I will allow you to kill me. In fact, I'll even kill myself. But if I win this game, then you will spare me my life."
"What's the game?" you ask.
"The game, dear Ophelia, is the game of kings."
You look at her blankly.
"But queens can play it too. Also, there are horses in it."
You continue to look at her blankly. "I'm talking about chess," she says.
"Well..." you say, turning over the bloody sword in your hand. "I mean, I could just kill you with my sword."
"Of course," she replies. "And you could go to your grave having never beaten a HEAD OF STATE at chess. Yeah, better not to have on your resumé that you beat someone at chess SO HARD that they KILLED THEMSELVES."
Gertrude's sarcasm is pretty pointed, I gotta say. But how good are you at chess, Ophelia? You should probably factor that into your decision, as I honestly have no idea how good Gertrude is at it. My bad. I guess somehow I never really thought these ridiculous circumstances would happen?
Gertrude's as tough as they come, even after everybody she ever knew was murdered in some fashion or another. Are we going to try and fight her on her own terms?
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Jul 23, 2015 00:56
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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We're smart as poo poo
play chess
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Jul 23, 2015 01:30
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- Cowboy Otis
- Feb 23, 2015
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I doubt Ryan North managed to get a chess mini-game programmed into this thing, but I've been wrong before.
In any case, my vote is to just kill Gertrude. Never give away the upper hand.
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Jul 24, 2015 17:35
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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THE STORY SO FAR: Hamlet and Ophelia paid a visit to the restless spirit of Hamlet's father, who enlisted them both to avenge his death by murdering Hamlet's uncle Claudius. Working together, Hamlet and Ophelia easily dispatched Claudius by drowning him in a river. King Claudius's restless spirit retaliated by enlisting every single person in Elsinore Castle and the surrounding town to murder Hamlet and Ophelia or die trying. Hamlet was killed in a hurry by Osric, but Ophelia is a surprisingly talented murder herself, and quickly racked up a massive body count. The only foe she has left is Queen Gertrude, who has just challenged her to a game of chess, with Gertrude's life as the prize. Ophelia, overconfident and giddy from all the blood she's spilled, has just accepted Gertrude's challenge.
The final battle with Gertrude is upon us. This is it, everybody. Let's Play Chess.
quote:
"Excellent," she says, motioning to her throne. "Please, have a seat."
As you sit down and settle in, she quickly sets up a chess board in front of you, pulling up another throne for the opposite side. She arranges the pieces with the air of someone who actually knows what she's doing when it comes to playing chess, which isn't the greatest sign for you.
She's white, you're black. "Since you're the one who barged in here, it's my turn to make the next move," she says, advancing her king's pawn up two squares.
"Ah yes, the Queen's Gambit," you say.
"That's not what that is," she says.
You're -- kinda in over your head here, aren't you, Ophelia?
We're not given a graphic showing the board, which I honestly don't think was the best idea. It's for the best that we be able to visualize the state of the game at all times; if we were using the physical book, we'd want to have a chessboard handy. This is for reasons that may or may not become clear within a few turns, or perhaps even sooner, so I've gone ahead and whipped up something to keep us informed as the game progresses:
Once we start moving things around, chess notation will be provided from Gertrude's perspective, so I'm orienting the board accordingly. One side effect of this is that when Ophelia refers to the pawn on her left, she's looking at it from her own perspective; the second choice is actually to move the pawn at f7. That's not such a bad thing to do, is it?
Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Jul 28, 2015
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Jul 28, 2015 04:14
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- Kangra
- May 7, 2012
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Was not expecting CYOA chess game. This could be interesting (but I'm not keeping my hopes up).
I vote for the King's Bishop pawn, which is the Barnes Defence. And according to that database, it's the worst response to White's initial move.
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Jul 28, 2015 06:16
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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Just do what I do and copy your opponent until they forfeit, because that's the lamest thing you can do.
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Jul 28, 2015 07:22
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- Decoy Badger
- May 16, 2009
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Just do what I do and copy your opponent until they forfeit, because that's the lamest thing you can do.
That's a checkmate in the next move, which is about what this book deserves but eh. Do the other thing.
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Jul 28, 2015 14:29
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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That's a checkmate in the next move, which is about what this book deserves but eh. Do the other thing.
Not sure I'm seeing how copying White's move this turn could trigger an immediate checkmate. That's okay, though, because instead of doing that we're going to mix things up and employ the Barnes Defense. Take that, Gertrude!
quote:
Gertrude quickly jots down something on a piece of paper you hadn't noticed before. "e4 f6," it reads. Beside it she's noted the words "oh man, seriously??" Wow! Maybe she's impressed? I mean, that is a really optimistic way to look at things!
Gertrude moves her queen's pawn out two spaces, so it's standing beside her other one. She's building a wall of pawns!
But she's overlooked the fact that when pawns are side by side, they can't defend each other as well as if they're in a zigzag pattern. What's she doing? Doesn't she REALIZE?
"d4," she writes.
The Barnes Defense has stunned Queen Gertrude. This game could be over before we know it, if Ophelia keeps making such outrageous plays.
What form shall Project Pawn Wall take?
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Jul 29, 2015 13:21
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- Cowboy Otis
- Feb 23, 2015
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g5? I dunno, I'm bad at chess.
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Jul 29, 2015 15:27
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- Added Space
- Jul 13, 2012
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Free Markets
Free People
Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!
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g5? I dunno, I'm bad at chess.
That sounds like it's not foolish at all. g5
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Jul 29, 2015 19:31
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- Kangra
- May 7, 2012
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I want to know just how long they'll allow this to go on. g6
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Jul 29, 2015 20:39
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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g6
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Jul 29, 2015 23:11
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Realizing that the zigzag wall could set her up for a swift and shameful defeat on the second turn, Ophelia elects the path of caution, walling her end of the board with a straight, solid line just as Gertrude is doing.
quote:
Gertrude writes down your move, which is apparently "g6." After that she writes the note "likes straight lines?"
She notices you reading her notes. "Do you like straight lines?" she asks.
"Maybe I do and maybe I don't," you answer in a way you hope could one day be described by an impartial third party as "coyly."
Gertrude sighs and brings out her bishop's pawn to form a straight line on her side too. "Here's a straight line for you then," she says. "Because straight lines are so unstoppable. You have totally cracked the chess code." On her paper she writes "f4."
I think she's making fun of you! And now that I think about it, straight lines aren't super great. DIAGONAL lines are where it's at, because if your opponent takes one of your pawns, that piece is guaranteed to be taken by another pawn! If you move your own guy up, you can make a diagonal line in one move.
Ophelia's just bursting with brilliant chess strategies. How will she surprise Gertrude this time?
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Aug 1, 2015 21:51
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- Kangra
- May 7, 2012
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I was expecting Bf4 to make it even more tempting for Ophelia to attack it.
e6 is going to open up a space that makes it a lot harder to force mate on us, so I wonder if our hand will be stayed from it, or if at some point it just decides we're not going to do it and we win the game. Or get offered a draw.
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Aug 2, 2015 05:56
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- GenderSelectScreen
- Mar 7, 2010
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I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
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College Slice
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e6
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Aug 2, 2015 05:58
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- Cowboy Otis
- Feb 23, 2015
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g5! play to lose!
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Aug 5, 2015 17:10
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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The pawn wall will save us. The pawn wall will thwart any move Gertrude makes.
quote:
In the meantime, she solidifies her pawn structure into what you want to call a Modified Sicilian Formation -- but come on, what do you know about chess -- advances her other pieces, takes control of the centre board, and generally dominates the rest of it too.
You lose in 10 moves, and on the second-last move, Gertrude admits to being a little embarrassed it took her that long.
"I guess I felt sorry for you," she says. "I was like, no way she's this bad. No way. I cannot conceive of a world where even an amateur is this terrible at a game with rules this simple."
"Oh well," she says.
Ophelia has won a glorious victory, for today, she finally discovered something that she is bad at.
quote:
"Checkmate," she says.
You look down at the board, trying out all the possibilities you can see. She's right. There's no move you can make. You've lost.
"Looks like you don't get to kill me after all!" she says, flipping the table. Attached to the underside of the table are two short-swords that she grabs in mid-air. She takes a swipe at you, which you dodge.
"What the hell?" you ask.
"You can't kill me, as per the terms of our agreement," Gertrude says. "But we never agreed that I couldn't kill you."
You reach to draw your sword.
"Now now, be careful with that!" Gertrude says. "You wouldn't want to cut me! I could die from an infection!"
The chess match is in fact winnable, and the moves contained therein are a big chunk of the book. But Ophelia's got no time to think about that now.
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Aug 7, 2015 01:00
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- lurksion
- Mar 21, 2013
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Draw the sword!
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Aug 7, 2015 04:42
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Ophelia intends to go down fighting, sword in hand.
quote:
She calmly turns from you, picks them up, and begins attacking you with them again. You knock them to the floor again. She picks them up and attacks you again.
Days later, you are drinking a cup of coffee with one hand while warding off her strikes with your other hand. It's how you do everything these days. Gertrude attacks you constantly, so while you're doing stuff with your dominant hand, you're constantly defending yourself with your free, non-dominant hand.
As the years go by, you end up with one super muscley arm. And in the end... isn't that the most we all can hope for?
THE END
P.S. The ghosts of everyone you killed think this whole situation is "pretty weird," but whatevs, you live life by your own rules.
YOUR STATS THIS ADVENTURE
- Stabs Stabbed: 10
- Puns Dealt: 13
- Choices Made: 18
- Times You Were: 1
- Times You Were Not: 0
GAME OVER
And with that, it's time for our grand finale before I shutter this LP. There are a few big chunks of content left in this book, as follows:
- THE YORICK OPTION: We start all the way at the beginning and pick every option marked with a Yorick skull. I'll post several decisions per update until we've reached the "true" ending.
- ESCAPE THE LOCKED ROOM: Hamlet finds himself locked in a room with Polonius's corpse and little time to escape. This minigame takes up a huge chunk of the lower section of the poster map.
- PIRATES: Hamlet is embroiled in an epic pirate battle on the high seas. This section is also pretty huge.
- OPHELIA VS. GERTRUDE: We return to the chessboard, this time intending to defeat Gertrude once and for all.
I'll show off anything else people request at this point, too.
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Aug 9, 2015 22:55
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- Oblivion4568238
- Oct 10, 2012
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The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
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College Slice
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Hey, I never posted anything about it when you asked the thread (because I'm a terrible, lazy person), but as someone who also owns this game, I'd be fine with taking over after you if that offer's still available. I don't have PMs, but I do have an email I made just for using on SA: oblivion4568238sa@gmail.com
That said, for a finale, I have to recommend the Yorick path. It's the first thing I did, and I'd say it's better than most of the other content since Ryan North gets to make jokes actually about Hamlet instead of pulling them from thin air, so they hit more often than not.
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Aug 10, 2015 01:08
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Would you consider posting the full poster map at the end of the LP?
Sure!
Hey, I never posted anything about it when you asked the thread (because I'm a terrible, lazy person), but as someone who also owns this game, I'd be fine with taking over after you if that offer's still available. I don't have PMs, but I do have an email I made just for using on SA: oblivion4568238sa@gmail.com
Sent you a few things! You can do whatever you want with them. For now, we're getting started all the way at the beginning -- right from the very first Yorick skull at the title screen.
quote:
Now SURPRISE, babies are boring, so we're going to jump ahead in time to a point where you're an adult and you've already lived a bunch of your life, but I promise most of what we're skipping over was really dull.
You ate a lot and slept a lot and made some friends, tears were shed, makeouts were totally had, etc. It was a bunch of high school stuff: the awesome stuff starts now! So! Let's begin, my friend!
Um... remind me again who you are? Are you...
  
And this time, we'll spend the whole book playing as Porkchop Weebottoms. Well, almost the whole book.
To help all of you follow along, here's a link to a full text of Hamlet! I'll note the relevant scene at the start of each new decision in To Be or Not To Be.
Act 1 Scene 2 posted:
Things have been rough lately. You had been trying to focus on your studies at Wittenberg University where you and your bros Horatio, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern all hang out, but you were called home because your father died.
Then your dead dad’s brother (Claudius!) married your mom (Gertrude!) two weeks later. Yep.
It’s made you kind of upset. You raced home to comfort her but she’s married your uncle and that is weird. You feel weird.
Right now you’re in the audience chamber of your father’s castle, here in sunny Denmark. King Claudius is here, addressing his court. Laertes and Polonius are here too; Laertes is kind of a jerk and Polonius is his father.
Polonius is also the father of Ophelia, whom you’re totally sweet on. She’s not here though. Who knows what adventures she’s having as we speak, while you’re stuck in this drafty castle room listening to other people talk about their feelings??
Speaking of speaking, just now Laertes says something about how now that Claudius is king and he’s attended the coronation, is it okay for him to go back to France? Claudius says, “Sure.”
Wait a minute. You’d love to leave too and go back to school, away from this weird incesty thing your mother’s gotten herself into! It’s so gross and weird!
You'll notice that To Be or Not To Be skipped over Act 1 Scene 1 of Hamlet, in which Horatio first encounters the ghost of Hamlet's father. The 1990 film production of Hamlet starring Mel Gibson skipped over that scene as well, though the the 1948 production starring Lawrence Olivier kept it intact.
Act 1 Scene 2, continued posted:
On one hand, that's entirely appropriate, especially since he just married your mom like two weeks ago. But on the other hand, he HAS brought "creepy uncle" to new heights.
But this time, Hamlet's going to throw a passive-aggressive tantrum rather than a Porkchop Weebottoms tantrum.
Act 1 Scene 2, continued posted:
He says all the feelings you're having are boring and wimpy. Your mom echoes his sentiments.
Dude. Your own mom just called you a wimp.
You agree to stick around in Denmark for awhile, they leave, and you're suddenly alone.
Woo! You're finally alone, Hamlet!
Yorick believes that Hamlet has something to say.
Act 1 Scene 2, continued posted:
I'll tell you what you say: you say you wish your skin could literally melt off your body, revealing a skeleton that gives a double thumbs-down before crumbling into dust. You say you thought your mom really loved your dad, but now that she's married Claudius less than a month after Dad's death, either love itself is fake or she was faking love, and either way it doesn't matter because you've lost faith in your own mother.
You say to the empty room, in all seriousness, that you want to kill yourself.
Porkchop Weebottoms comes to the first meaningful decision of his story. He's not going to kill himself, of course.
Act 1 Scene 2, continued posted:
a) he's in town for your dad's funeral/mom's wedding, and they served leftover appetizers from one at the other,
b) ghosts are real,
c) he's seen one and so have a bunch of other guys,
d) it keeps showing up at the same time,
e) he's pretty sure it's the ghost of your dad, and
f) what the heck, are you killing yourself right now as I'm speaking?? You are, aren't you? What the heck, bro??
No! No! Bad Porkchop! Bad! Let's go back and do that properly this time.
Act 1 Scene 2, continued posted:
a) he's in town for your dad's funeral/mom's wedding, and they served leftover appetizers from one at the other,
b) ghosts are real,
c) he's seen one and so have a bunch of other guys,
d) it keeps showing up at the same time, and
e) he's pretty sure it's the ghost of your dad.
Finally! Some adventure! Some CLOSURE. You agree that you'll come with him tonight to see the ghost when it shows up again. It's such an obvious decision that it kinda feels like you don't even have a choice in the matter!
Our hero never turns down an opportunity to ghost-hunt.
Act 1 Scene 2, concluded posted:
Well, now you have eight hours to blow before it's time to meet ghosts.
See you all next time, for Act 1, Scene 3.
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Aug 13, 2015 01:09
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- Oblivion4568238
- Oct 10, 2012
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The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
-
College Slice
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Sent you a few things! You can do whatever you want with them.
Thanks for all of it. Seems you put a fair bit of work into all of this. At least there's still time to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I'll figure out how to make all this work on my end towards the end of this path.
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Aug 13, 2015 19:40
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 28, 2024 01:55
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- Pittsburgh Lambic
- Feb 16, 2011
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Today, Ophelia is going to have a pleasant chat with her family.
quote:
Prince Hamlet is funny and charming and he seems to like you a lot. You try not to get too excited about it, because you’re worried you might jinx it, but things really are going great. Only...
Only it’s been hard doing the long-distance thing while you’ve both been off at university, and while you’ve loved studying capital-s Science and you’re sure Hamlet’s loved studying capital-u Undeclared, it hasn’t been easy. Now that you’re both back together in Denmark for his father’s funeral and his mother’s second wedding, it’s been harder still. Hamlet’s really sad, and you can’t blame him for that since, you know, his DAD DIED, but you wish there was something you could do to help him.
When you last saw him, Hamlet mentioned how the castle seemed cold and drafty, and for some reason it stuck with you. You’ve been sitting at your desk, trying to think of something you could give him that would help with that -- a way of cheering him up a little, remind him he’s still got people who care about him.
He wears these cloaks all the time, but then he’s taking them off in warm rooms and putting them back on in cold ones. If only there was some way you could keep the rooms at a uniform temperature, he wouldn’t need to be constantly adjusting his clothes throughout the day.
But to do that you’d need some way of measuring heat and a way of transporting it throughout the castle, perhaps through a series of pipes...
Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock at your door. “Who is it?” you call.
“It’s me,” says your brother. “Come on, let me in.”
Just as before, Ophelia is occupied with some kind of science project. Nothing that can't be put aside for some quality time with her family, of course.
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"But I don't want to hear any opinions about my personal li--"
"If you sleep with Hamlet you're a slut," he says.
And this time, we're just going to follow Yorick's icy, dessicated heart.
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You choose to remain standing.
"Listen," he says, "I know you like Hamlet, but he's a prince, so he's going to have to marry someone of his own rank."
"Who said anything about marriage?" you reply. "I'm happy with Hamlet and he's happy with me. We're having fun. Nobody's talking about marriage."
"That's another thing," he says. "Look, if you have sex before marriage, then you'll be ruined for other men and nobody will ever want you. He's only dating you because he wants sex. Don't sex him because I'm your brother and I'm telling you not to."
Yorick knows what he's doing.
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Okay.
You sit down on the bed and tell him you'll do as he says, and that you sincerely appreciate his meddling in your personal life and THEN you go on to say that if you're going to abstain from sex before marriage, then he should be careful too, because he sleeps around way more than you do and it's going to be one heck of a sexual double standard if you're "damaged goods" and he's "totally fine."
That's right. I didn't even give you a choice about saying that or not, because you keep choosing the stupid options. Guess you're just gonna have to deal with it, huh?
In any case, there's a knock on your door and before you can answer, your father, Polonius, opens the door.
"Normally when you knock, you wait for someone to let you in, Dad," you say.
"You're an idiot if you think Hamlet loves you," he says, then he notices Laertes is in your room too. "Oh, hey Laertes. Have fun on your trip; to thine own self be true."
Laertes nods. "I already told her she's slutty," she says.
These options don't like themselves very much.
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"Hamlet only likes you because you're smokin' hot," he says. "You're an idiot if you believe him when he says you're a great and wonderful and special person. He'll say anything to get in your pants. He's said that you're a wonderful person, right?"
You agree that he has said, and written, some very beautiful things about you and that this means a lot to you.
"That proves it. Listen, you're too dumb to understand what I'm saying, so I'm just going to order you to do the following: Stop seeing him, never speak to him again, and put all thoughts of him out of your head."
Really, Yorick. Really.
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Listen, I'm going to cut our losses here.
You're not allowed to be Ophelia for a while.
And thus ends Act 1, Scene 3. As a note, if we chose any non-Yorick options in that entire sequence, we would end up spending the entire remainder of the book playing as Ophelia with only one, fleeting chance to go back to being Hamlet.
Next time, we see what Hamlet's getting up to in Act 1, Scene 4.
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Aug 14, 2015 13:28
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Jul 19, 2015 17:38
