Act 1 Scene 4 posted:

...which is a pretty colossally useless waste of your time, especially since you keep cheating.

A five goes on top of a three, Hamlet? REALLY?

Anyway at this point we're 15 games in, and WOW if you're not careful people might start saying that your tragic flaw is, I don't know, inaction? Eventually the sun does go down, and it's almost 11:30, which hopefully you remember as the appointed hour Horatio told you about wherein a ghost keeps showing up to bother him!

Act 1 Scene 4 posted:

"Now we play the waiting game," says Horatio. He's interrupted by the sound of trumpets. You look at him and raise an eyebrow.

"They make that noise to warn everyone that King Claudius is getting wasted," he says. "Those trumpets go off every night around this time."

He sighs. "Denmark," he says.

At that exact moment, something insanely crazy happens! What the frig?

Act 1 Scene 4 posted:

If you're getting too scared, read this next clause over and over until you're not insane with fear anymore:

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

Alright. Okay. We can do this. With your last shred of sanity, you quickly glance at the ghost -- and then worry that if you stare at the ghost too hard, your brain will realize it's looking at something SO INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE that you'll just black out.

Anyway: this ghost. You can see through it, but only a little? It's weird. And I'll tell you what the frig else: this ghost does look like your dad. And he's getting closer.

Act 1 Scene 4 posted:

He clearly wants you to follow him and leave Horatio behind. I dunno, is this safe? Can ghosts kill people? "Can ghosts kill people?" you ask Horatio.

"I DON'T KNOW MAN, BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALONE WITH THAT THING," he says, clearly leaving no ball untripped in his own freakout. "HAMLET, MAN, SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK, I GOTTA SAY," he yells, his quivering finger pointing at the ghost. Well, duh.

"I'm gonna do it," you say, and you...

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

"I'm tired of walking," you say. You sit down. "Pretty sure I'm done walking. Yeah. Yeah, I'm out."

The ghost stops and speaks to you for the first time, its voice issuing forth from lungs that no longer breathe air: "Hamlet. It is I, your father. Look, I can't stay around here forever so you need to listen to what I tell you. I didn't die of old age. I did some digging around and it turns out I was murdered... by Claudius!"

You gasp, shocked and enraged. Killed by his own brother! "He did it while I slept! I was walking in a garden, and you know how gardens are really boring, right?

You nod. "They're boring even for people who like them."

"Exactly!" says Ghost Dad. "Well, it was so boring I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping he poured poison in my ear."

"I didn't know poisons worked that way," you say.

"That's what I said!" shouts your dad, throwing his hands above his head in frustration. He starts to pace back and forth. "Anyway, I want you to take revenge on him for me. I dunno. Cuss him out or something. Pull out his chair when he's about to sit down. Offer him a high five but then when he goes to high five you, pull your hand away and say, 'Too slow.' Or should he offer you a high five, you must leave him hanging."

"I could murder him," you offer. "After all, he is sleeping with Mom."

Your dad stops pacing and stares at you. "He's WHAT?!"

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

"Didn't he ever read the Table of Kindred and Affinity, Wherein Whosoever Are Related Are Forbidden in Scripture and Our Laws to Marry Together??" asks your dad.

"Ah," you say, "you refer to the document Queen Elizabeth ordered produced, which says a marriage such as this one we're discussing is not just squicky but a real-life hard-core sin against God, a book which later made its way into the Book of Common Prayer, itself so influential that we take many phrases such as 'Till death do us part' and 'Peace in our time' from it?"

"The very same," nods your father. "Although I can imagine that in the future, sentiments might change as to whether or not such a marriage between genetically unrelated, loving, and consenting adults is among THE VERY WORST THINGS IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A HUMAN BEING TO DO that's not necessary for us to discuss right now."

You agree.

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past
That youth and observation copied there;
And thy commandment all alone shall live
Within the book and volume of my brain,
Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven!

Your Ghost Dad seems pretty cool with that.



You have begun quest Kill Claudius! It's worth 3500 experience points. That's a lot!!

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

...the woman your father adored, loved, and married, but also all women in general.

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

"Listen, Horatio, never speak of this whole 'we totally saw a ghost' thing, okay? We've got to keep it a secret."

"That's cool," says Horatio.

"No, I'm serious, man!" you say, grabbing his shoulders. "Some REALLY SERIOUS STUFF is going to go down, and I need you to keep this a secret. Swear that you'll never talk about this."

"I swear," says Horatio.

"SWEAR IT," booms your dad's voice out of nowhere.

"He already did!" you shout. Horatio looks at you, questioning. "Hamlet. Bro. What's this all about?" he says.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio--" you begin.

"--than are dreamt of in my philosophy," Horatio finishes, annoyed. "Fine. Right. Whatever."

Okay! Horatio will keep your secret, and you've got a quest from a ghost to fulfill! And at the end, he'll probably give you some cool loot for completing it! Maybe? I mean, it's possible.

Anyway, it's past midnight, and Claudius is probably falling-down drunk.

Act 1 Scene 5 posted:

Then the next morning after that the ground is all muddy, and you think maybe you'd leave footsteps that could be traced back to you and anyway long story short several days go by and you haven't done a thing.

Act 2 Scene 1, Prologue posted:

"It's me, sweetie," you say, opening the door and stepping into her room. You haven't seen each other for a while; it's so great to see her! You run up and throw your arms around her and you kiss. It's just like old times.

You hold her at arm's-length and look into her eyes.

Act 2 Scene 1, Prologue posted:

"What's wrong, Hamlet?" she says, concerned. "Why are you fouling your stockings?"

Act 2 Scene 1, Prologue posted:

Ophelia keeps staring at you in confusion. Finally, you sigh, as big as you can, three times in a row.

What do these sighs mean? Ophelia doesn't know, I don't know, and neither do you. It's like you think you've saved your game earlier so now you can just do stupid stuff without consequences. BUT YOU CAN'T SAVE A GAME IN REAL LIFE, SILLY, so now you've got to live with the consequences of these choices.

And here's one of those consequences: Ophelia's love for you has taken 15 damage. Lucky for YOU, she still loves you a whole heck of a lot.

Eventually you run out of sighs and get up and leave, but rather than walking out of the room like a regular person you look over your shoulder, lock eyes with her, and walk out of the room and around the corner without ever breaking that eye contact. You're lucky you didn't walk into a wall.

You know what?

I think you've made enough choices for awhile.

Act 2 Scene 2 posted:

He's talking to you like you're touched in the head. Hey! He thinks you're crazy!

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THE DUMB DECISIONS YOU'VE BEEN MAKING?

So in an effort to save this, we're going to assume that you were just PRETENDING to be crazy because that way all of this kinda makes sense and nobody would ever suspect a crazy person of committing a murder, right? This is literally the best option we've got left. This is what you've reduced us to.

I've gone back and rewritten the story so that in your talk with Horatio now you say "I might act crazy for a while, just be cool." You can go back and check, it's totally there.

Okay! So it turns out Polonius considers himself a master riddlemaster, and he's going to ask you three riddles to determine if you're sane or not.

Riddle the first: "Do you know who I am?" he says.

Since you're now just ACTING crazy, this gets a little easier. Normally I'd give you the choice between a reasonable answer and a crazy answer, but I figure now you want to pick the reasonable one just to screw things up, and I swear to God there will be a method to your madness if it kills me.

Act 2 Scene 2 posted:

He doesn't get that you are (or rather, that I am) rather cleverly trying to suggest that you suspect he's been trying to mess with Ophelia in order to get to you. It goes entirely over his head.

Anyway, he seems satisfied with your answer, which is great! Polonius puts to you his riddle the second.

Act 2 Scene 2 posted:

You haven't touched a book since you came home from university on funeral/wedding break, so you answer by making up a book you've been reading called Old Men Are Gross and Dumb. It's about how old men are gross and dumb. You conclude by saying that Polonius would be the same age as you... if people aged backwards!! Oh snap.

Polonius agrees that this is probably the case. Finally he challenges you with the final of his three riddles.

Act 2 Scene 2 posted:

Somehow Polonius thinks you're actually saying something really significant about how we're all really dying from the moment we're born? He observes that in madness you're actually speaking the truth. Hey! Your answers seem to have helped him reach the conclusion we wanted in regards to your sanity!

Polonius says he'd better be going, and you say nothing would make you happier except if you somehow literally died right now and then you motorboat your lips and flick your index finger over them, making a "brururururur" sound. Yep. He definitely thinks you're crazy.

So! I hope you're happy. I have fixed this as best I can, and remember: we're just FAKE crazy now, okay?

Okay. You can drive again.

As Polonius leaves, your friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter the room! What? You thought these guys were still back at university! This is awesome!

DmitriX posted:

Were the filenames this crazy ALL ALONG? do i have to re-read every update?

Act 2 Scene 2, Continued posted:

They look at each other. "What -- um, what do you mean what brings us here? Uh, why don't we instead talk about your, um... plans and motivations?" Rosencrantz says.

Your face falls. Man, you knew it! Claudius sent for them! They're here to spy on you!

"Aw, really?" Come on, guys. Were you sent here to spy on me?" you say.

"Well, um... yeah," Rosencrantz replies. "Kinda?"

"Frig man, I knew it," you say. "Look, I'll make it easy on you. I know I've been all emo lately and mopey and even though we don't have the words for it yet, I'm pretty sure I'm what you'd call 'CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.' That's all."

You sigh, and then look at them with a small smile.

"I guess I'm quite the piece of work, huh?" you say.

"Would you care to explain that in more detail?" Rosencrantz says.

Act 2 Scene 2, Continued posted:

"What a piece of work is a man!" you say, choosing your words (and punctuation!) carefully. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god!"

Your friends nod. Humans ARE pretty great.

"The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals -- and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me--"

You break off as Guildenstern interrupts you.

"Gayyyyy," he says.

"I said man delights NOT me, idiot," you say. "Nor woman neither, though you seem to think--"

This time you're interrupted by Rosencrantz.

"Asexualllll," he says.

You look at your friends.

"Anyway, whatever," you say. "I've been depressed but it's great to see you guys, homophobia and asexualaphobia aside."

"Oh hey!" says Guildenstern, suddenly remembering something. "We met an author on the boat over. We invited her to come say hi."

An author! This is really really exciting. And who should walk through the door just as Guildenstern stops talking? Why, it's the very author they just mentioned!

How perfect! Having her show up now keeps this narrative moving forward at a nice clip AND avoids any awkward downtime where you'd otherwise all just sit around in a circle waiting for someone to show up and talk to you. Huh!

Nicely done, narrator of this story a.k.a.: ME.

Act 2 Scene 2, Continued posted:

It turns out she's Christina Marlowe, the author of The Murder of Gonzago: A "The Adventure Is Being Chosen By You" Story! Can You Murder Your Brother Gonzago and Then, Playing as Your Dead Brother's Son, Murder Your Usurping Uncle? I Sure Hope So; Choose From Over 300 Different Possible Endings. It's one of your favourite books, and you tell her so, excitedly asking questions about characters and motivation and how she did that thing with the choices.

While the four of you talk, Polonius walks into the room and tries to work his way into the conversation, but whatever, nobody here likes him. Christina doesn't make any attempt to include him and that makes you love her even more.

You start quoting your favourite passage to her -- it's the bit from the back cover -- and she takes over when you forget some of the words. It goes like this:

"Your are still really mad that you dad was killed by his brother. You decide that you should murder him for revenge, and that, my friend, is a really good idea. Do you decide to wait to murder him?"

"No!!" shout you, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern in unison. Christina smiles. Polonius mutters, "This is boring," but nobody cares.

"Excellent. THen you sneak into his room at night and stab him in the neck. A huge fountain of blood erupts from his neck, under such pressure that it bursts through the ceiling and forms a glorious red geyser above the roof. Some kid walking by sees the geyser and says, 'Whoah' and while he's saying the 'oah' part of 'whoah,' blood lands in his open mouth. It's so awesome. You have earned 1000 points, and the 'whoah' kid also earned 50 points."

The three of you laugh and cheer and applaud, while Christina smiles politely and Polonius stands around with his arms crossed. "Whatever, I wanted to wait before killing him," he grumbles.

Christina recited her book with such heartfelt emotion that you actually feel pretty bad about not murdering your own uncle yet. Wait a minute, that gives you an idea!!

Act 2 Scene 2, Concluded posted:

"To Hamlet: Best wishes! I hope you like to read these words that I wrote on a piece of paper. Cheers, Christina," she writes.

Amazing. It's perfect, and now you've got the perfect book to entrap your uncle!

You excuse yourself and go back to your room to flip through Gonzago again. You get absorbed in the adventure and, a few playthroughs later, you're convinced: it really is a great book, and it should work perfectly for your plan.

Now all you need to do is find Claudius! I'm pretty sure he's in the royal court, dude!

Yvonmukluk posted:

I think Christina Marlowe is a reference to Christopher Marlowe, contemporary of Shakespeare.

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

Well, this sucks. You had this perfect plan ready, but if Claudius isn't around then he can't read the book and the whole thing is useless and stupid and you hate it!

You feel some introspection coming on. Yes. Oh man, this is going to be a big one. It's gonna all boil down to this: is it even worth LIVING in a world where things don't always go your way?

Or to put it differently: "being alive is good, or MAYBE... being dead is good?" Or to put it a third, more copula-tastic way: "to be, or not to be?"

Man. This is the big one, Hamlet. This is the speech this book is named after. I guess you'd better talk it out, huh?

CHOOSE WISELY.

You clear your throat and raise one hand in front of you.

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

"To be? No, not to be, that is the answer:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them. Yeah, sounds good,
To die, to sleep no more; and by a sleep, to say I end
The heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished, which is why I just Decided to do Thatte,
To die, to sleep, perchance to Dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
May give some pause, but Not Me, I'ma find out Soon
I guess that's why the ladies love me, because
The ladies love a man of action,
And that's what I am,
Ladies."



It's a beautiful speech, and you're not going to come up with any better last words than those.

You chug some poison that's sitting around, but unfortunately you choke on it a little as you drink so your last words are accidentally "Arrghah ggghhhhh bleh."

But nobody's around anyway so no bigs, right?

No bigs!

THE END

Infoblurb posted:

Mike Holmes is an illustrator and comic creator living in Toronto. He's illustrated Adventure Time, Bravest Warriors and drawn or fully created several graphic novels: Shenanigans (Oni Press, 2007), This American Drive (Invisible, 2009) and True Story (Invisible, 2011). He's also published the art collection Mikenesses (2012).

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream. Ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause."



Man. NICELY DONE, Hamlet!

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

Weird!! It looks like someone's convinced her that you're not marriage material after all. TO be fair, you did just finish talking out loud about killing yourself.

Huh!

And though I know you're now frantically looking for the "Whatever man, she's just doing this because chicks be crazy" option (Hamlet, you are nothing if not classy), I'm not going to give it to you.

Listen, I'm going to help you out. You think Ophelia's crazy, but maybe... maybe she's just ACTING crazy?

In considering that possibility, you think to yourself that Ophelia doesn't have any real reason for being as upset as she appears to be -- sure, you've kinda ignored her for a few weeks, which was selfish and jerky -- but on the other hand this isn't the first time you've been caught up in something and you're sure she can handle it as she has before, with understanding and not by, you know, ABANDONING THE RELATIONSHIP ENTIRELY IN SOME STUPID CASTLE ROOM.

So maybe it is entirely possible that she's being fake crazy too. Maybe -- maybe because she's figured things out and also wants to murder Claudius?

You decide you need a way to see if she's faking crazy while you're simultaneously also faking crazy without revealing to anyone who may or may not be listening in that you're both actually just faking the crazy.

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

I don't think those were the secret code words, bro.

"Um," you say.

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

Also, only a fool would marry her, because anyone smart knows that women are awful.

"Why are you saying these horrible, horribly sexist things?" she asks.

I've gotta say... it's a pretty good question?

Act 3, Scene 1 posted:

Okay, you say those things, but you at least clarify that you think women just PRETEND to be dumb to get that sexing they so crave.

You accuse all women of being unfaithful, and you say there should be no more marriages, because they necessarily involve women and women are awful.

There's -- a couple of things wrong with that, actually?

Anyway, you say that people who are already married can stay married, YOU GUESS, except for ONE VERY SPECIAL COUPLE IN PARTICULAR.

You look at her to see if she's getting what you're hinting at. And she looks... super angry, actually!

I don't think you're gonna pull this off, dude!

This whole conversation is an unmitigated fiasco, and if she was just pretending to be mad before, she's seriously furious now.

Congratulations, Hamlet! You just broke up with your girlfriend because you were pretending to be insane and trying to talk in a stupid secret code!

You can't really say you blame her for leaving.

All you have now is your plan to trap Claudius with a choose-your-own-path adventure game, so you go home, rest, and tomorrow, that's exactly what you do.

Guitar_Hero posted:

Fun Shakespeare fact!

"Nunnery" was Elizabethan slang for a brothel, so Hamlet is actually laying it on pretty heavy with the whole calling Ophelia a whore thing here (especially after calling Polonius a pimp before that). It's not surprising that she flips her poo poo.

Guitar_Hero posted:

Fun Shakespeare fact!

"Nunnery" was Elizabethan slang for a brothel, so Hamlet is actually laying it on pretty heavy with the whole calling Ophelia a whore thing here (especially after calling Polonius a pimp before that). It's not surprising that she flips her poo poo.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

You look out at the assembled courtiers and see that everyone's here: your mom and stepdad, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, a bunch of people you've never met, Ophelia -- the whole gang!

You're still looking around when Horatio comes up behind you and slaps you on the back, in an expertly executed manoeuvre.

"Brotimes! " he says. "How's it going, brotimes?"

"Good," you say. "Listen, can you do me a favour?" You explain that you're going to be watching Claudius closely, but ask if maybe he could keep an eye on him too as he reads.

"You're, um, really good at stuff," you say, wishing that there was somehow a better way to put that.

He agrees that he's pretty great at stuff and consents to do some of that watching stuff for you. Alright. There's nothing left to do, Hamlet! It's go time!

"Hey Claudius!" you say, brandishing your signed copy of Gonzago. "Why don't you read THIS book today?"

"I certainly don't see why not," he says, and you pass him the book.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

When you write your own book, you can fill it with all the "let's have sex in front of my mom and dad" and "hah hah women have different parts than men" jokes that you want, but this is my book and I'm unilaterally deciding, right now, that you don't get to do this.

Instead, you decide to go stand behind your stepdad and watch him read! How's that taste? Does it taste like COMPROMISE? Because it shouldn't. It should taste like FALLING IN LINE.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

You are now Claudius, King of Denmark! Your nephew is standing behind you being really annoying!

Hamlet has just given you a book to read and it looks pretty good, actually.

And it's perfect timing, because one of the royal court's favourite activities is to listen to you read a book out loud! Because it's history times and there are no computers yet!

You clear your throat and hold up the book so that everyone in the audience can see.

"Let us begin," you say, bringing the book down and reading the cover. "This story is called The Murder of Gonzago: A 'The Adventure Is Being Chosen by You' Story!"

You look up. "The title goes on for a while after that, but MY first choice is going to be to skip to the first page!" you say.

There is a smattering of polite laughter.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You are amazing because of all the dragons you control, plus you wear the armour of a skeleton warrior and you wield a battle axe that has the Latin phrase "FACTA NON VERBA" written on it... in BLOOD.

You know what that means? That means "DEEDS, NOT WORDS."

Holy crap, this book is already awesome.

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You've been feeling a little jealous lately because your brother, Gonzago, gets to be king, and it occurs to you, maybe if YOU killed him and married his wife, you could be king instead! Maybe you should do that!

Or maybe you should just go slay some skeleton warriors.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

Wait a second. You remind yourself that you did actually just kill your brother, and so maybe reliving the murder in front of the court through the medium of high literature is not the greatest idea?

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

Behind you Hamlet whispers to himself, "MAN, I KNEW IT."

You read out loud the text on the page:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You hear your audience murmur in agreement.

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

Sneaking up on your brother, you notice that he's sleeping on his side. You have some poison in your pocket.

Do you hold his nose and pour the poison into his mouth, pour the poison into his ear, or realize that murder is terrible, leave, and go kill skeletons instead?

They're basically already dead.

If you're trying not to get caught, I really think you should go kill some skeletons.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You pour the poison into his ear. Like all sleeping people, your brother doesn't wake up when cold liquids are poured directly into his ear hole, so this whole thing goes surprisingly well!

Also, who knew that the ears really were the best way to introduce poison into the body? You and I did, obviously, so I guess any medical doctors in the audience who are about to say "excuse me but I studied human bods for six years at the university level" can straight-up go suck a lemon. YOUR BRO IS DEAD.

Congratulations!! Poisons really do work that quickly, and you have just ended a life. Perhaps you'd like to assume your brother's throne now as well?

Behind you, Hamlet whispers to himself, "MAN, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SUSPECTED, AND THIS HAS ALLOWED ME TO CONFIRM MY SUSPICIONS PERFECTLY!"

Nice one, Claudius. Hamlet now believes you murdered his father.

It seems you have two choices: you can throw the book down, yell that you hate it, and run out of the room. Or, since an innocent person would not actually react that way, you can just continue playing as if nothing's wrong, thereby NOT instantly confirming your guilt, and instead allow your choices to be read as simple chance.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

You run into your room in tears and lock the door behind you and throw your face into your pillow and cry.

Well, Claudius, there's no two ways about it: you globbed up big back there.

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

He's definitely guilty; this is entirely reasonable; there is absolutely no other conceivable explanation for what you just saw.

After Claudius tore out of the room, your mother followed him, and after she left everyone else left too, leaving the room empty but for you, Ophelia, and Horatio.

"Did you see that? He totally chose the murdery options, and then he freaked out!" you say, really excited.

"There's no denying that!" says Horatio.

"This means the spooky ghost was correct!" you say. Ophelia looks at you for a moment and then opens her mouth to speak.

Wait, hold on, I can't remember -- you've made a lot of crazy choices.

Did you and Ophelia break up the last time you saw her?

Act 3, Scene 2 posted:

Okay! So you've just said, "This means the spooky ghost was correct!" and Ophelia has looked at you strangely, and now she's speaking.

"A ghost?!" she says. "You're crazy."

Then she looks at Horatio and says, "You're crazy too," and then she looks at you again, sighs and says, "I don't even know why I'm here," and leaves, shoving past Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in the doorway.

Looks like you two are still broken up, which makes you sad! But on the plus side, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are totally awesome. Bros before woes!!

You're about to greet your best bros with your choice of high fives, slaps on the back, or hugs all around, when Guildenstern holds up his hand and speaks.

"Your mom wants to see you," he says. "As you know, in this time period if you want to talk to someone, you have to literally walk over to where they are to chat them up, which I can hardly believe. Anyway, she's lazy so she wants you to walk to her instead."

"Dude. She said she's 'stonished by your behaviour," Rosencrantz adds.

"'Stonished isn't real slang," you say.

"Just trying it out," Rosencrantz says, and you high five to linguistic experimentation.

"Well, I guess I"m off to see her," you say. Just then, Polonius enters the room and says, "Hey, your mother wants to see you."

"I KNOW; NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE, POLONIUS!" you yell at him. "GOD, I COULD JUST STAB YOU THROUGH A CURTAIN."

Hey, that gives you an idea!

Ignatius M. Meen posted:

There is actually a possible explanation for the ear poisoning; basically, since antibiotics didn't exist yet ear infections were a common source of eardrum perforations, and if your eardrum is perforated there's a eustachian tube that becomes accessible that drains from the ear into the throat meaning that you can take a poison that normally needs to be swallowed and instead of pouring it in the mouth where anyone checking for poison might check out first, you can pour it in the ear to avoid leaving otherwise well-understood traces. It's not necessarily the whole of it or foolproof but it's interesting all the same.

Glazius posted:

I wonder if it was supposed to be, like, shorthand for Claudius being a tricksy bastard.

Glazius posted:

Today I learned something I did not know about poisoning people through their ears.

I wonder if it was supposed to be, like, shorthand for Claudius being a tricksy bastard.

Act 3, Scene 3 posted:

I guess after he ran off to his room, he decided to go to church to pray instead?

He's such a wiener.

Wait a minute.

YOU COULD TOTALLY KILL HIM IN A CHURCH.

Act 3, Scene 3 posted:

The murder of your dad?

The murder that makes you so mad you want to commit the murder act on him?

You unsheathe your sword and raise it above his head.

But wait -- if he's praying right now, then doesn't that mean that -- according to religion -- his soul is pure with all its sins confessed?

If you kill him, he'll die with HIS soul more pure than that of your father when he died.

Hardly seems fair, does it?

Wait, is it still "cool" to murder a jerk if they're praying? Is there a page in the Bible on that or something?

Act 3, Scene 3 posted:

Don't worry -- I get it.

You're afraid that if you kill Claudius the book will end, and you don't want it to be over yet! I have nobody to blame but myself, I suppose.

I wrote an adventure that was simply too awesome!

Anyway -- onward, to adventure!! To an adventure that is so awesome I hope it never ends and this book becomes a prison for both of us!

Act 3, Scene 4 posted:

Moms, am I right?

Okay, I'm going to interrupt the story here to tell you that this isn't going to go well for you no matter what you do.

I'm spinning around a chair so it's backwards and I'm sitting on it, straddling the back of the chair with my legs, so you know we're about to have some Real Talk.

You know how in this story you've been choosing the crazy options and doing some crazy stuff? Here's the thing.

Sometimes people do that in real life, with their own actual real-life lives. I don't know why, but they do it and it happens.

Just throwing this out there, but your mom has married her husband's brother-murderer, and literally served appetizers left over from his funeral at the wedding.

This is an actual thing she, a queen of comfortable, can certainly-afford-more-appetizers means, decided to do.

She's not in the best frame of mind, and I've been minimizing her role in the story as much as possible in order not to embarrass her and to give her some space, but you're talking to her now and there's not much I can do to avoid it.

Try to understand if she acts crazy.

Okay, lecture over! I'm turning the chair back to its normal orientation. We don't have to rap about our feelings anymore.

"Hey Hamlet," Gertrude says. "Listen, you were a dick when you messed up Claudius's reading earlier."

"I didn't mess up anything!" you say. "He's the one who read the murdery options! If anyone messed up, it's YOU, because you married Dad's brother and that's messed up, MOM."

I thought we were going to be nice to her?

Your mom looks at you like she's seeing you for the first time. "What are you going to do: murder me? ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER ME??" your mom asks.

Terrific.

"No, Mom, I'm not going to murder you." you say, holding your palms out in front of you in what you hope reads as a "be cool" motion.

"Why would you even think that? Oh, is it because I'm wearing a sword? Listen, all the princes wear swords these da--"

"Help!!" she screams at the top of her lungs.

A voice from behind the curtain says, "What?! Help! Help!!"

It seems your mom has a spy eavesdropping on this little conversation!

Remember what I said before about giving her the benefit of the doubt?

This is kinda the perfect chance to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Act 3, Scene 4 posted:

Anyway, you throw "being nice to the woman who gave birth to you" out the window, and you give the curtain the ol' stabby-me-do and kill whoever's behind it.

"Lo, I am slain," he says, though it sounds kinda like "Lol, I am slain," which you think would've been funnier.

But wait a second! The voice sounds like... Polonius?

"What have you done?" screams your mother. Thinking quickly, you say, "Nothing as bad as killing a king and marrying his wife!"

"What?! I didn't murder anyone!" she says.

"Okay, NO, obviously," you say. "But Claudius did and then you married him! Besides, maybe I thought the guy behind the curtain was Claudius and therefore I was... doing a good deed?"

"How is it a good deed to kill my husband?" asks your mom. "And besides, didn't you see him praying on your way here? We both know he's in the church. He can't be in two places at once."

"Um," you say.

Turning away from the body, you start yelling at your mom, saying how great Dad was, how awful Claudius is, and how she traded the best dude ever for the worst dude ever in time and finally how she's pretty dumb and awful and too old for love anyway. You say all these things to your own mother. You reduce her to tears.

"You've made me feel horrible about my marriage," she says, pitifully.

"When you have sex, it's awful and it makes the bed all greasy," you reply.

Wow.

Suddenly, a ghost appears! TWIST!!

Act 3, Scene 4 posted:

"Didn't I ask you to kill Claudius?" the ghost says. "So far all you've done is watch someone else read a book and then kill your girlfriend's dad."

"It's -- complicated?" you say.

"Who are you talking to?" asks Gertrude.

"MOM, I'M TALKING TO THE GHOST OF MY DEAD DAD," you yell. "I TALKED TO HIM BEFORE AND EVERYONE SAW HIM THEN; I DUNNO WHY YOU CAN'T SEE HIM NOW; I DUNNO WHAT HIS DEAL IS."

"Aw geez, you're crazy. My son is bonkers," your mom says to herself, drying her tears.

To be fair, you do look a little crazy. Ghost Dad reminds you that you're supposed to be murdering Claudius, not Polonius, and he doesn't really see how cussing out his widow is helping anything. Be nice to her, he says.

"Also," he says, "I'm pretty sure she's conflicted about this whole, um, marriage to my brother thing that I guess is going on, so maybe you could talk to her about that?"

"But DAD," you say.

"Hamlet," he says, frowning as he disappears.

"FINE," you say. "Hey Mom, um, how's it going? Listen, stop having sex with Claudius, okay?"

She slaps you across the face. Maybe that's why people don't usually discuss sex lives with their moms? Who knows??

"Look Mom, I'm not really crazy, but don't tell anyone, okay?" you say, gingerly touching your face where she hit you.

"What is crazy is what you've been doing. This marriage to your husband's brother: it's gross; we all think it's gross. I know you're not happy about it. I know that, Mom."

"Hamlet --" she begins, but you cut her off.

"It's not too late, Mom. If you can't be good, maybe tonight you can just -- pretend to be good? And then keep pretending to be good night after night, and it'll get easier."

"And by 'pretend to be good,' I mean 'make yourself unavailable to Claudius sexually and emotionally.'"

Your mom's crying again, but quietly. She looks up at you.

"Alright," she says. "Alright."

"I'm proud of you, Mom," you say. "Listen, I've got to go. I kinda killed Polonius by accident, and I'm gonna go lay low for a while."

"Okay," she says. "Toodles."

Act 3, Scene 4 posted:

Oh, Hamlet. What are we going to do with you, Hamlet?

On your way out the door, you bump into your bros Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

"You wanna get out of here?" you say, and they concede that they would like to party on a boat.

You know what? That sounds nice. Sort of give everyone space, you know, while also standing around on a positively buoyant vessel? It sounds real nice.

"There's a boat headed for England in just a few hours!" you say. You know this because boats to England are kind of a big deal.

You send some servants to clean up crazy ol' dead Polonius and another to be there for your mother, and you pack your bags.

A few hours later, you and your bros are partying on a boat!

Decoy Badger posted:

Wow, I forgot just how bitter Hamlet is in this part.

I wonder how a CYOA of King Lear would go? Many more potential routes, anyways.

Act 4? posted:

Act 4? posted:

But instead you're running away and partying on a boat??

I'm calling it: YOU ARE THE WORST BOYFRIEND AND/OR EX-BOYFRIEND EVER.

But you're on this boat and it's set sail for England, so there's not much you can do.

Act 4, Scene 4 posted:

I'm serious, there's got to be 20,000 people all crammed onto a single ship.

The ship is too far away from you to communicate by talking or even shouting, but luckily you brought semaphore flags and are fully trained in their use.

And, AS YOU KNOW, by holding up the two coloured flags in different positions, you can spell out letters of the alphabet! And in response, folks on the other ship can send messages back to you.

"Hey, Hamlet here! What's going on?" you say in semaphore.

"Hey Hamlet, we were sent by Prince Fortinbras from Norway -- he's kinda a rough equivalent of you, come to think of it?"

"Anyway, he's on board and we're all going to fight over some really terrible land that sucks," comes the signed reply.

"Really?" you signal.

"Yeah it's totally sucky land, but what are you gonna do? Fighters gonna fight," he signals, "and we're happy to do it."

"'Kay thanks," you reply in flag-talk.

Wow. Fortinbras and his army are ready to fight over something entirely useless, and the Polish are willing to defend it too!

These people will fight and kill over NOTHING. And you can't even kill your uncle even though you have totally valid reasons!

Act 4, Scene 4 posted:

Here's what you say!



Witness this army of such mass and charge
Led by a delicate and tender prince,
Whose spirit with divine ambition puff'd
Makes mouths at the invisible event,
Exposing what is mortal and unsure
To all that fortune, death, and danger dare,
Even for an egg-shell. Rightly to be great
Is not to stir without great argument,
But greatly to find quarrel in a straw
When honour's at the stake. How stand I then,
That have a father kill'd, a mother stain'd,
Excitements of my reason and my blood,
And let all sleep? while, to my shame, I see
The imminent death of twenty thousand men,
That, for a fantasy and trick of fame,
Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot
Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,
Which is not tomb enough and continent
To hide the slain? O, from this time forth,
My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!



Not bad, not bad! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are polite enough to pretend not to hear. They're so great.

Act 4? posted:

You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern stumble off to your quarters, three awesome dudes in one awesome room.

One awesome... PARTY ROOM??

The next day, you wake up, still feeling the effects of the previous night's partying. You put on your shirt but it feels different -- turns out it's Rosencrantz's shirt!

Wow. As you pull it off, a letter falls out of the pocket. Rosencrantz wakes up, teases you for wearing his clothes, and then notices the letter.

"Hey Hamlet, you dropped something," he says.

"No man," you say, "it's your letter. This is your shirt." You pass him the garment. He has the shirt.

"It's not my letter, bro," he says, pulling it over his head. "Someone must've slipped it to me sometime yesterday. What's it say?"

Flipping it over, you notice it's got a royal seal on the back.

"It's from King Claudius!" you say.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern say the following:

"Whaaaaaaaaaat??"

Act 4? posted:

Listen, we get along pretty well, right? And both our countries are in pretty good shape.

Anyway, it'd be really convenient for me (and it would help both our countries STAY in good shape) if you could kill Hamlet for me real quick. It's not that big a deal, just kill him okay?

Cool? Cool.

P.S. I'm 100% serious please kill him right now.





You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern stare at each other for a long moment. Looks like this whole time while you were planning to kill Claudius, he was also planning to kill you!

"Dude, are you scoping this letter's CHOICE ASSASSINATION ORDERS?" asks Rosencrantz.

"I told you, man! I TOLD YOU ABOUT CLAUDIUS," Guildenstern yells.

"Maybe he heard my free verse from last night?" you say. "It was extremely tight."

Act 4? posted:

• You replace the letter with a forgery you wrote together that reads: "Hey King, can you make it so that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are given fancy houses and made princes and given all the cool things it is possible to have as they are extremely awesome, but please do not mention this letter or its contents ever again to me, Claudius, the man who is writing this letter right now. If you do see me and this letter comes up and then I claim I did not ask for these things, I am lying. I like to pretend sometimes that I didn't write letters, but it's just pretend, hah hah. I can never take this back. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are awesome. Hamlet's rad too. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are way awesome though."
  
• You replace the official seal with a forgery. Since you're wearing a ring and it bears the royal seal, this is surprisingly easy!
  
• You decide that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern will deliver the letter while you catch the next boat back to Denmark to kill Claudius!
  
• You're at this stage in fulfilling the plan when pirates attack!

Act 4? posted:

Let me set the scene: you, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern rush above-decks at the sound of the lookout yelling, "Pirates ho!"

Following his arm pointing to the horizon, you see a ship sailing directly towards you with alarming speed, her disguise of a Danish flag being lowered as a black flag with a grinning skull and crossbones unfurls in its place.

It's pretty badass! Behind her a huge storm has gathered, lightning striking into the water. Both are headed straight for you.

She's a magnificent ship, a three-masted beauty running 50 metres long from bow to stern. She slices cleanly through the sea with the wind filling her sails: 1,400 tons of boat, a symphony of wood, cloth, brass, and iron. She's as tall as she is long, with each of her masts proudly carrying four gargantuan rectangular sails. Rigging of baffling complexity stretches between each mast, its crossbars, and the side of her hull.

She carries 26 cannons on her port side and 26 on her starboard, each loaded and at the ready, and she's running with her gunports open. She also sails with two forward-facing cannons mounted on her bow, beneath which protrudes the beautifully carved figure of a mermaid. Over 150 strong and able men -- all pirates -- call her home.

The painted and polished red wooden letters affixed to her hull betray her name: Calypso's Gale.

You, on the other hand, are on a party boat, the HDMS Vesselmania IV. Your boat is a mere 100 tons, her armaments a slight six cannons per side. Vesselmania's two smaller masts bear a single triangular sail each. Her crew of 20 is inexperienced and young. Her captain, with whom you've had only a passing acquaintance, seems fresh out of captain school, if that is even a thing.

He's there at your side now, barking orders left and right. Men haul up the sails and run below-decks to prepare the cannons. It is a scene of barely controlled chaos, and that's when you hear the first report of cannonfire. Both shots hit their target.

The pirates are firing chain shot: two cannonballs tied together with a length of heavy chain, stuffed into a single cannon, designed to tear apart sails and rigging as they blast through it. The first shot tears apart some of the rigging on your forward sail, but luckily, nothing critical is damaged. The second shot hits low, and instead of tearing into the sails, it decapitates the captain in an instant. His headless, bloody body drops at your feet.

Act 4? posted:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern take one look at the bloody corpse of the captain lying at your feet and rush below-decks, tripping over each other on their way down the ladder.

The first mate is staring at the captain's body in shock. A huge burst of lightning flashes across the darkening sky, and rain begins to fall on Vesselmania's deck.

Calypso's Gale is gaining on you, and her forward cannons are being reloaded. The distance between the two ships is decreasing by the second.

Act 4? posted:

The crew acquiesces easily: you're the oldest person on board, and you are also royalty. Lucky for you!

"Report!" you order.

"Mainsail is undamaged; adjunct rigging of the secondary sail has been destroyed by cannonshot but repair crews have been dispatched," replies your first mate. "Hull integrity at 92%. We're sailing in a broad reach."

You recall enough sailor talk to know that means the wind is at your back, but you're sailing at a slight angle to it. It's the safest way to travel, as travelling with the wind exactly at your back makes for a faster but less stable boat. You normally want to minimize your chances of losing control.

On the other hand, with pirates on your tail, maybe now isn't the time to worry about safety.

Act 4? posted:

"Set sails leeward! We'll be running before the wind, boys!"

The crew adjusts the sails quickly, and you can feel it as the boat gains speed.

You look behind you, expecting to see Calypso's Gale fade from view, but even with the wind fully at your back, the pirate ship is still gaining.

It wasn't enough.

Calypso's Gale fires again, and chain shot tears through Vesselmania's stern and exits through the port side of the hull, thankfully above the water line.

"Orders, Captain?"

You stare at Calypso's Gale through a spyglass. The square shape of her rigging reminds you of something...

Act 4? posted:

"Of course!" you say. The pirate captain did what you would have done in his position: he's chosen the most favourable angle of attack!

He's coming in with the wind fully at his back, because that's when his boat is fastest. Those square-rigged sails are terrific at catching the wind, and he's got lots of them, but their disadvantage is that they can't be adjusted quickly. Every change requires the crew to climb up and change the rigging on each sail individually.

You, on the other hand, can adjust your two triangular sails quickly, and it can be done at deck level!

If you come about into the storm while maintaining a slight angle away from it, you should be able to turn around, maintain speed, slip past Calypso's Gale, and be long gone before she can even begin to turn!

It's your only hope.

You lower the spyglass, lock eyes with your first mate, and shout your orders over the roar of the storm.

Act 4? posted:

Huge white-capped waves crest and splash over the deck.

"Hold on, men!" you shout into the gale. Your ship heels over, almost capsizing with the intensity of the turn, but the sails keep just clear of the water and the manoeuvre is successful.

As she rights herself, you see Calypso's Gale ahead of you, bearing down, still at speed. All you need to do is pass by her side and you'll be free.

"Steady! STEADY!" you shout as the two ships approach each other, Vesselmania slipping by on the right.

Looking at the crew of the pirate ship, you see them scrambling into the rigging, adjusting their sails as fast as they can. It shouldn't be enough.

It shouldn't be.

But they're not trying to come about. They're not trying to sidle up parallel to fire their cannons.

Instead, they've thrown the rudder hard to port, sending the ship into a tight curve. They're attempting to ram you, Hamlet.

"Hard to starboard! HARD TO STARBOARD!" you scream, but there's not enough time. Calypso's Gale tears into the side of your ship at full speed. You and the rest of the crew are knocked to the deck as Vesselmania is cleaved almost in two.

You scramble to your feet and see that she's somehow managed to stay together, impaled on the much larger bow of Calypso's Gale. But she's mortally wounded. She's filling with water as we speak, Hamlet!

Looking up through the storm, you see ropes being thrown over the edge of the pirate ship. Pirates are sliding down them, swords at the ready, hoping to kill you and take whatever valuables they can find before Vesselmania finally capsizes. Given her current condition, they'd better be fast.

You'd better be fast too, whatever it is you decide to do next!

Act 4? posted:

"You want us to jump into the ocean?" someone yells.

"I don't want you to jump into the ocean!" you reply. You bite down on the blade of your sword and begin to climb one of the ropes leading up to the pirate ship. Some of your men nearby realize what you're doing and join in, climbing up other ropes.

Part way up, you turn around, grasp your sword, and shout down at your remaining crew:

"I WANT YOU TO JUMP INTO THE FIGHT!!"

Your crew shouts in defiance at the pirates, charges the ropes, and begins to climb.

Act 4? posted:

You hold tight to the rope as the force of the explosion reaches you, shooting debris upwards into the sky, taking your captain's hat with it, and messing up your hair.

Looking downward, you see the entire top deck of Vesselmania has been destroyed, revealing fires raging underneath. There's no way anyone could've survived.

You hope Rosencrantz and Guildenstern made it above-decks in time, but there's too much storm for you to make out the others on the ropes below you clearly.

Act 4? posted:

If you want to do that, you should play my other book, God: The Adventure! Decide How Each of Billions of Individual Stories End! Fun at first, Tedious Soon After (So Many Lives Are Depressingly Similar).

PERSONALLY though, I hope Rosencrantz and Guildenstern survived, and I think that probably that counts for something?

Suddenly, lightning strikes the water below! A huge roar of thunder deafens you, but in that brief instant, the world is illuminated.

You see your young crew of almost 20 (both by count and by age), cutlasses at the ready, fighting as they climb. Pirates swarm down the lines, battling them for sport. Above them, on deck, they're being cheered on by a row of pirates.

And at the very bow of the ship, looking down with a spyglass, stands the captain. He's got a fancy hat and a parrot on his shoulder: the works. And he's staring right at you through the storm.

The darkness of the storm is restored moments later. You grimly resume your climb.

Act 4? posted:

Before it comes to that, however, you brace your legs against the hull of Calypso's Gale.

As the pirate approaches you, you push off with all your strength, sending you both into the darkness, hanging in space out above the ocean.

You were ready for this; the pirate wasn't. You wield your sword and stab upwards, sending it cleanly through the surprised pirate's butt (hah hah, sweet). You hear him scream as he falls, and then you hear a small splash as he hits the ocean. Looking up, you see another pirate already climbing down to take his place.

The same trick isn't going to work twice, Hamlet!

Act 4? posted:

The pirate seems reluctant, until you tell him that he's a disappointment to his family, and how the grief and shame of having a child who grew up to work as a pirate -- who BECAME a pirate -- seems so colossal to your parents, and yet at the same time also so private and personal that they rarely speak of him, even to each other.

They live with this invisible wall between them, always preventing them from being as close as they used to be, as they want to be again, the subject of their son somehow always in mind but never broached.

His parents, who used to tell each other everything, now go to bed in silence, and this pirate's actions -- HIS choices -- have created this thing, untouchable, unreal, that nevertheless heartlessly and inexorably drives his parents a little more into solitude each day. They've become strangers to each other.

The pirate hollers in rage at your way-sick diss and begins climbing down.

When he's close, you brace your legs against the hull and push, but the pirate is ready for it and holds on tight.

What he's not ready for is the fact you pushed at an angle, sending you out into space and then back to the ship further to the left of where you had been. You grab another rope and in the same smooth action reach up and send your sword through his rope, just above of where he's holding.

You watch as man and rope fall, silhouetted by the burning deck of Vesselmania IV. They disappear into the flames.

"You're fired," you say.

You manage to climb up quite a bit before another pirate takes his place.

Act 4? posted:

You push out from the ship, use your legs as a battering ram, and smash your way inside through a porthole.

You manage somehow to hit the deck, roll, and leap to your feet in one impressively smooth motion.

Unfortunately, there's nobody around to see it, as everyone is above-decks engaged in battle. And you've landed in the captain's quarters!

Around you are the accoutrements of command, the ship's log, and -- YES, a sword. A much nicer sword, actually, than the one you started this journey with. You decide to take it.

You are now wielding the fancy sword!

You don't care that you lost your other sword. It sucks now.

You kick down the door (it has a handle but things were just going that way) and take the ladder to the top deck. You push open the trap door and climb out.

In front of you is an epic battle: your crew taking on two, sometimes three pirates at a time. It's amazing.

Each success seems to fuel them further, each pirate body hitting the deck only adding to their experience points. You can almost see them levelling up as you watch, and it's like all their perks are being invested in battle techniques.

Suddenly, you feel a cold tap on your shoulder. Turning around, you find yourself face to face with the pirate captain.

You both raise your swords as you leap into your duelling stances. A pause, and then you rush each other, swords clashing.

You thrust and parry back and forth until a moment comes when your swords catch each other, and in that sudden silence you stare across your blades into each other's eyes.

"You fight like a dairy farmer," he says.

"How appropriate. You fight like a -- OW!" you say, as he slices at your arm, cutting you. It was superficial this time. You're lucky, dude!

The pirate captain gloats at first blood, pointing to you and calling you a bunch of very unkind names that I'm not going to say here, because I don't want you to throw down this book so you can try to find and murder this pirate in real life!

Just take my word for it: the things he says about you are that bad.

Act 4? posted:

The momentum from the blow carries his hand up into the air, and you both watch (he in shock, you in surprise at how good this awesome sword is), as his detached hand describes an arc directly towards you.

It hits your chest with a bloody splat.

Act 4? posted:

The two of you circle each other, flurries of swordplay erupting whenever one of you detects an opportunity. Despite his injury, neither of you is able to gain the advantage on the rain-soaked deck of the ship.

Suddenly, lightning strikes the brass rail behind the pirate captain, and he's briefly stunned by the tremendous thunder that follows.

You're stunned as well but, being a few feet away, you recover more quickly.

Act 4? posted:

He screams and tries to attack you with his other arm, but a second later you've cut that one off at the elbow too.

You both look down at his now-useless arms, lying on the deck, one hand still clutching his sword.

The perfect thing to deadpan suddenly comes to mind, the words crystallizing in your head like they were written for you by the very gods themselves:

Act 4? posted:

You can't let your guard down. He'll take you apart with his teeth if you let him.

Act 4? posted:

"Save your breath," you say. You take a step back and slice off the captain's chin, sending it flying into the rigging.

"Come on, keep your chin up!" you yell, slicing again at his face. You cut off the tip of his nose and it flies overboard.

"You know what they say," you say grimly, taking your sword in both hands. "Follow your nose."

With one huge strike, you behead the pirate captain. His head rolls at your feet, and you kick it overboard into the ocean.

Let me just say: holy crap. Never in your life have you fought so well. This was awesome, literally awesome. If you lived to be a thousand years old, you'd never have a fight go so amazingly well as it did today.

You're catching your breath when you hear familiar voices yell "Hamlet!!"

Turning around, you see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern rushing towards you. They survived! In fact, they did more than survive the battle: like you, they thrived in it!

All around them lie the bodies of pirates, and your crew dispatches the last few survivors. This is incredible. Calypso's Gale is yours. And the storm surrounding her is clearing as quickly as it appeared in the first place! Sun pierces through the clouds.

You and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hug each other, and your crew cheers. Pulling back, Guildenstern notices the blood on your jacket and then the headless torso on the floor.

"What happened to the captain?" asks Guildenstern.

"Dunno," you say. "Last I saw, he was... HEADED for sea."

"Oh," says Rosencrantz. "Does that mean you cut off his head and then threw it overboard?"

"Let's just say that when he fought me... he got in a little over his HEAD."

"Oh, you cut off his head and then threw it overboard," says Rosencrantz.

Act 4? posted:

Your crew demands a speech, cheering and hollering at you. Stepping up onto the highest part of Calypso's bridge, you decide to give them what they want.

You hold your hands out in front of you and ask for silence. They quiet, and in the moment before you speak the only noise you hear is the sound of waves gently splashing on the hull beneath you, a peaceful, beautiful sound.

It's a perfect moment. You look at their crew, and they at you.

"People often speak of the machinery of fate," you say, "as though he course of our lives is governed by some untouchable, unknowable clockwork."

"Well, if fate be a machine... today she was a machine that transformed us all into an UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF VENGEANCE!"

Your crew cheers wildly!

"Gods, even!!"

Your crew cheers even louder!

"Yes," you say, "today we truly were gods from the machine."

Your crew resumes their duties.

This was a really amazing part of your adventure, Hamlet. You're sure that, should you ever one day write a book about this story or perhaps a stage production, you'd DEFINITELY include this scene.

Why, you'd have to be literally crazy to write a story where you journey to England, get attacked by pirates -- actual pirates! -- but then just sum up that whole adventure in a single sentence.

Hah! That'd be the worst. Who puts a pirate-attack scene in their story and doesn't show it to the audience? Hopefully nobody, that's who! Even from a purely structural viewpoint, you've got to give the audience something awesome to make up for all the introspection you've been doing; that just seems pretty obvious is all.

Anyway, enough crazy hypotheticals!

Glazius posted:

Thanks for the Ophelia and Denmark interludes. Even Porkchop's adventures don't stop things from going 100% tragedy over there.

Act 4? posted:

Clearly King Claudius wants you dead, but he isn't willing to move overtly, hence the letter he planted on your friends.

Heck, even the pirate attack could've been orchestrated by him. It's impossible to know who he's gotten to while you've been gone. You can't trust anyone.

Act 4? posted:

This is the plan you come up with:

You'll approach Denmark at night, flying Danish flags. Calypso's Gale will stay out from shore, looking like any other trader, but will remain ready to move on your signal.

You'll leave Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in command, dive overboard into the ocean, and swim to shore. Once there, you'll compose and send three letters to Horatio by messenger. The first will be addressed to Claudius and read:

quote:

Hey, I'm back from England, all by myself. SURPRISED? You will be, tomorrow, when I see you.





























P.S. I am naked.

Hopefully you'll be able to scare/confuse him into some rash, overt action against you, which you'll be able to counter with Calypso's help.

The second goes to your mother, and reads:

quote:

Hey Mom, I'm still mad at you for marrying Claudius, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill him.

Sooooo... try to act surprised?

The third and final letter is for your friend Horatio and says:

quote:

Hey Horatio, CRAZY STORY: Pirates attacked! And they took me hostage, but just me, and then they brought me back to Denmark becuase I said I'd do them a favour.

Speaking of which, can you make sure these other two letters reach Mom and Uncle-Dad?

Then come see me real quick, okay? I'll be down by the docks.

That should be enough to both ensure your letters are delivered, and to see if Claudius has gotten to Horatio while you were away.

If he hasn't, Horatio can help you take down Claudius.

If he has -- well, you'll deal with Horatio the same way you dealt with the pirates: with your swords and your wits, both deadly sharp and both insanely pointed.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern agree to your plan. You arrive near Denmark's shore in the middle of the night, the waves silver with reflected moonlight.

"Good luck, my friends," you tell Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

"And to you," they reply.

You've both grown so much this trip. It's been so great. You've never felt closer to these awesome dudes.

You dive into the sea and swim for shore.

Act 4? posted:

You get the attention of a passer-by, who looks like she works here. "Excuse me, what's that ship over there?" you say, pointing as casually as you can at your insanely majestic ship.

"Her? That's uh... Calypso's Gale, looks like a Danish trader. I imagine she'll be docking in a few hours," she says.

"Oh. Neat," you say.

Everything's going according to plan.

You wave to the ship, just in case Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are watching, and wander around, waiting for Horatio to show up.

You eat some fried fish. It is really yummy.

Suddenly, you feel a tap on your shoulder. Looking around, you see your old friend Horatio! "Hamlet, you're back!" he says, hugging you.

"Did you deliver my letters?" you ask.

"Yep! So what's your story -- pirates attacked and only took you hostage? And then they brought you back here for no reason? Hah hah, that's so crazy! That's REALLY what happened?"

Do you trust Horatio? If you do, you'll let him in on the full story.

If you don't, you'll let him think that only you made it back from the trip.

Act 4? posted:

"What about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?" he asks.

"They... um, died," you say. "The king wanted to... murder me... and he got them to carry a letter telling the English king to kill me! Yes, that's it -- and so I... secretly... replaced that note with a forgery that told him to kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern instead! They're dead now, because, as I said earlier in my letter, the pirates left after they captured me. Yes! Everything fits together nicely!"

It's a good lie: close to the truth, so it won't be hard to keep straight!

"Whoah," Horatio says. "Bro, that's cold. What did Rosencrantz and Guildenstern do to deserve that?"

"Um, yes, that is a reasonable question, and the reasonable answer is that they... carried the letter from Claudius... on purpose? And they were allied with him all along and... I trust them as much as I trust snakes?"

"Huh," says Horatio.

"Oh, and I would TOTALLY KILL ANYONE who was secretly working for my stepdad!" you say, making significant eye contact with him.

"Huh," says Horatio, perfectly neutrally. Darn these even-handed, noncommittal responses that tell you nothing!

You've been walking as you talk, and you and Horatio find yourselves in the graveyard. It's close to the river everyone takes their drinking water from, which I guess kinda explains why people act so crazy around here (SPOILER ALERT: water contamination).

(SPOILER ALERT: this is gross.)

There are two gravediggers here. Wait, hold up: one of them is leaving -- off to have his own adventures, no doubt!

Do you ever think about that, Hamlet? About all the people you pass in the street and how they're each the star of their own little narrative? How it's weird that people who you'll never talk to are off having their own lives, building their own stories, and isn't it crazy that from THEIR point of view, you'd be a minor character, entirely forgettable?

Well, it's true, and in this gravedigger's story you play the role of "GUY WHO SHOWS UP AND TOOTS JUST AS I LEAVE."

You toot. He leaves.

Decoy Badger posted:

The pirate sequence was pretty enjoyable despite the railroading. I'm guessing there's no way to avoid getting rammed either.

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

"He's singing while he digs a grave!" you say.

"Um, yeah," says Horatio. "His job is to dig graves, so he's used to it."

"Whoah!!" you say. This whole thing is seriously blowing your mind!

The gravedigger sings about being old now, and the tune is pretty catchy, actually! While he's busy digging this grave, he digs into a pre-existing grave (remember that in our time period it's not like that is especially weird or awful) and digs something up. He tosses it behind him.

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

"That skull had a tongue in it once," you say to Horatio.

"A-yup," says Horatio.

"It had jowls too," you say.

"Yeah probably," says Horatio.

"Maybe it was a politician's skull! Ooh! Or a courtier! Lord Such-A-One or whoever! And look, that guy's throwing it around like it's not even a thing!" you say.

"Lord Such-And-Such, you mean," sighs Horatio, was the gravedigger digs up another skull. There are now two skulls here! The other skull seems pretty interesting too.

You close your eyes and think, very clearly, "look other skull." Then you open your eyes and examine the other skull intently.

I'm not gonna lie, from this distance it definitely looks a lot like the first skull. You're fascinated by it though!

"Maybe that other skull was a lawyer's skull!" you say, nudging Horatio. "Look at him now! Where's his impressive lawyer tricks now, huh? His fancy rhetoric for the judge and jury?"

"He's dead," says Horatio.

"Why doesn't he sue this guy for assault after he dug up his skull with a shovel if he's such a fancy lawyer?" you say.

"I'd have to say... it's probably because he's dead," says Horatio.

"Maybe it was a landowner's skull instead! Maybe he owned all this land and had all this complicated accounting for it. Hah! Is one of those accounting rules that his empty skull now gets filled up with dirt??" you say.

"Yes, I believe that's generally what happens when you die," says Horatio.

You stare at him wildly, then back to the skull, then back to Horatio. Then you stare at the skull for a bit.

"Listen," Horatio says, "maybe you want to talk to the gravedigger for a while.? I'm sure he'd find your viewpoint absolutely novel and riveting."

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

"Whose grave is this?" you say.

"It's mine," he says.

"I thought it was yours, because you're the one lying in it," you say.

Really, Hamlet? He's not lying in it, he's standing in it, digging, and if you're going for a "lying down / lying untruth" pun then I'm sorry but it's not going to wor--

"And you're lying out of it, so it's not yours!!" says the gravedigger, super proud of this dumb wordplay. He goes on: "Actually, I'm not lying, it really is mine."

"But you are lying," you say before I can stop you, "because you're in it and saying it's yours, but you're alive and graves aren't for the living! Ah hah! Got you there!"

RIVETING. This back-and-forth goes back and forth, and eventually it comes out that he's digging a grave for a young woman, and you -- as you are an uncouth brute -- ask how long he's had this job before you even ask him his name, and he says he's been working as a gravedigger since the day Hamlet was born.

Hey, that's you! What a crazy coincidence!!

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

"Why the accent?" Horatio sighs. "You didn't have it a second ago."

"Hamlet is the prince who went to England because he was crazy," says the gravedigger. "He'll get less crazy there, or he won't, but either way it won't matter because everyone's crazy in England!"

"Racism," says Horatio.

"How did zee Prince Hamlet go -- how do you say -- crazy?" you ask.

"Very strangely," he replies. Oh God, you two are going to go at it again, aren't you? Oh God. You are.

"How strangely?" you ask.

"By losing his mind," he says.

"On what grounds?" You ask. HEY. STOP SETTING HIM UP.

"Why, right here in Denmark," he says.

HAH HAH HAH, listen I'm cutting you off. The rest of your conversation is censored, but at some point he gestures to one of the skulls you were looking at earlier and volunteers that that's the skull of Yorick, once the jester to the king, now dead and buried 23 years.

"He poured a flagon of Rhenish on my head once," says the gravedigger.

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

"Alas, poor Yorick!" you say. "I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

"He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chapfallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that."

"What my friend means to say," says Horatio, "is that he remembers Yorick and the fun times they shared, but now to look at his gross remains makes him want to drop a barf."

"Ah," says the gravedigger.

"He then asks a dead lifeless skull where his jokes and songs are, and then tells the skull to go to his girlfriend's room and tell her that no matter how much makeup she puts on, she'll end up like him one day," Horatio says.

"Well, not exactly like him," says the gravedigger, "as male and female skulls have several structural differences."

You interrupt them both. "Horatio, do you think Alexander the Great looked like this after he was buried?"

"Yeah, probs," says Horatio.

"This skull is smelly," you say.

"Yeah, probs," says Horatio.

"Do you think it's weird that we can be alive and be kings of the world, but then we die and return to the earth and then someone might use that earth to make mud and use that mud to fix a hole in a barrel?"

"Who uses mud to fix a ho--" Horatio begins, but you interrupt him.

"You can also use mud to patch a wall," you say.

Act 5, Scene 1 posted:

...Laertes (Ophelia's brother! You haven't really hung out with him that much actually!), a priest (priests are ordained ministers of the church!), and a coffin (coffins are what people get buried in; dude, you should know this).

It seems like Gertrude was -- screaming? Wailing? Weird.

You elbow your friend. "Hey," you say. "Look how sucky that coffin is, look how small this ceremony is. It must have been someone who killed themselves. You know what'd be hilarious? If we stayed and watched."

"Listen... Hamlet, there's something you should know," Horatio says.

"Shh!" you say. "Look, that's Laertes!" you say to the gravedigger. You pause and stare at him intently. "Yeah, he's pretty rad," you say.

"Hamlet," Horatio says, "don't you wonder why Laertes is at a funeral? Maybe if he's here it means it might be someone close to him who die--"

You cut him off. "I CAN'T EAVESDROP ON PEOPLE IN THEIR MOST PRIVATE MOMENTS OF GRIEF IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT A LIFE-OR-DEATH MATTER WITH ME," you hiss at him.

Turning your attention back to Laertes, you see him arguing with the priest, asking for more rites. More rites, he says! But the priest says he's done all the rites he should do already and then some. Since this person committed suicide (called it!), they don't get as many rites. "If we do any more rites, we'll profane the blessed souls of the other people buried here," he says.

You, Horatio, and the gravedigger all wince as you glance at the skulls he's dug up. Um... whoops?

Laertes continues to argue with the priest. "Well fine, then go ahead and lay her here, jerk-a-rama priest!" Laertes says. "My sis will be an angel in heaven while you're burning in hell!" They lower her body into the grave.

Wow, he's really upset!

Wait... sister?

OPHELIA'S DEAD?!

Glazius posted:

Life sucks and then you're spackle.

Or possibly grout.

You just went over this, Porkchop. Not so fun when it's someone you want to smooch, is it?

Actually, I shouldn't assume you never wanted to smooch Yorick. Shouldn't judge.

Act 5, Scene 1 continued posted:

"I tried to tell you--" Horatio says. "I meant to tell you earlier but you seemed so happy to be back and I-- I wasn't-- look, I'm sorry, Hamlet. She passed away shortly after you left on your trip."

Gertrude and Laertes and Claudius are still unaware that you're here. Gertrude throws flowers on her grave, saying that she'd always hoped Ophelia would marry you, and that instead, she'd be throwing flowers on her wedding bed.

Geez, Gertrude. Inappropriate. That is not something for a new mother-in-law to do for newlyweds.

Laertes curses three times whomever it was who robbed Ophelia of her sanity, and then curses them again ten times three times, for a total of thirty-three times.

Then he jumps into the grave so that he might hold her in his arms once more.

Geez, Laertes. That's like -- double inappropriate to the power of three, for a total of eight inappropriates.

Okay, so they're all really upset and acting crazy. The right thing to do here is to go home, approach them later, and say you saw them at the funeral but didn't want to interrupt.

Also, it'll give you a chance to deal with your grief too, which you should be feeling. You are feeling it, aren't you, Hamlet?

She was your sweetie, and you've come back from a trip to find her dead of apparent suicide!

Act 5, Scene 1 continued posted:

"Who's the man whose grief is so extreme, whose words of sorrow can make even the stars themselves stand still and wonder in sadness at what they hear? It's me, Hamlet the Dane!"

Then you hop into the grave, joining Laertes there. Why not? Emotions are a competition, right?

Laertes sees you and screams in rage.

"The devil take thy soul!" he shouts, which, I mean, if you're going to yell anything, it's pretty much the awesomest and classiest thing to yell at a time and place like this.

And with that, you fight! That's right. You and Laertes fight, in a graveyard, during a funeral, in an OPEN GRAVE, with the coffin of Ophelia at your feet.

This is how you choose to live your life.

Laertes punches you in the teeth, and you stagger back until you collide with the muddy grave wall.

You raise your eyes up to Laertes, wiping blood from your mouth with the back of your hand. You glance down at your bloodied hand.

"That's a funny way to pray," you say, and laugh. Laertes looks at you.

"Here's how I do it," You jump at him, forcing your head into his chest as hard as you can. He falls backwards, winded, gasping for breath.

"Our father," you say, your left fist connecting with his cheek, "who art in heaven" -- here your right fist collides in a punishing blow with his jaw -- "hallowed be thy--"

His arms shoot out and encircle your throat and before you can react, he squeezes. You see stars dance around the edge of your vision.

"You don't want to do that," you gasp, but Laertes only squeezes tighter.

"Now why's that, Hamlet?" he says, smirking, mock concern written on his face.

You lock eyes with him. "There's something dangerous inside of me, and you should be afraid of it," you say. "I am. You shouldn't make me angry, Laertes. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Laertes laughs at you, and you feel almost giddy. You can feel yourself losing control. You can feel yourself starting to want it.

"I won't tell you again, little man," you say, unsure if you're threatening him or pleading with him.

"Take. Your. Hands. Off."

Act 5, Scene 1 concluded posted:

You're vaguely aware of your mother shouting your name as you punch Laertes over and over again, avoiding his own punches as best as you can.

You're both getting in some good hits. Finally Horatio and the gravedigger jump down into the grave and hold the two of you apart. You're both trying to break free.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ABOUT?" yells your mother. "THIS IS A FUNERAL AND YOU'RE FIGHTING IN AN OPEN GRAVE FOR NO REASON."

"Mom, Laertes is saying he loved Ophelia more than I did!" you say. "I loved her more than 40 billionty stupid ol' brothers!"

"He really is crazy," says Claudius.

"I'll eat a crocodile to prove how serious I am," you offer.

"I'm sorry for my crazy son," Gertrude says. "Usually he calms down after a little while."

You decide to prove her right. Turning to Laertes you say, "Listen, bro, why are you treating me like this? I've done nothing to deserve this."

But Laertes stares at you, aghast, almost like he... holds you responsible for Ophelia's death?

"Anyway," you say. "Hamlet out."

You leave.

A little while later, Horatio catches up with you. "Hey, sorry, Claudius made me leave too."

"What about the gravedigger?" you say.

"Um, I think he's back to digging graves. He was supposed to be working the whole time we were there, anyway."

"Ah," you say.

Act 5, Scene 1? posted:

If you talk to him about it again, the story's just going to be super repetitive.

Act 5, Scene 1? posted:

You elaborate it into a crazy story where you alone come across the letter by accident, you leave out all the awesome parts of the pirate battle (a crime in itself), you tell him how only you made it back alive and how Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, and he's all "Whoah that must make you sad," and you say "No bro, they got what they deserved," and he's all "Whoah bro: harsh."

You definitely do not tell him how you have one of the most impressive ships in the world today waiting just outside Denmark Harbour for your signal.

Alright! We're all brought up to speed with your cover story of how you escaped, AGAIN, and Horatio has made the appropriate sympathetic noises.

Satisfied?

Look you can stop pretending, we all know you kinda lost the plot here and wanted to waste everyone's time while you got a refresher from me.

Act 5, Scene 1? posted:

"And ruining Ophelia's funeral?" Horatio volunteers.

"That too. You know what, I'll be nice to him. He's grieving too, right? We're like two peas in a pod, only instead of peas, we're humans, and instead of being in a pod, we're in a state of grief."

"Okay," says Horatio.

"I just really hate it when people try to grieve harder than I do!!" you exclaim, punching your first into your palm.

"That must come up a lot," says Horatio.

"Anyway, meet me at the castle tomorrow morning, okay?" you say. "There's something that's going to go down that I think you'll want to see."

"Okay. I will."

"Sweet. Well, see you later!" you say, and then it's awkward because you're both still walking to the castle in the same direction side by side.

You walk in silence for a bit, until you get the bright idea of stopping because a flower looks SO INTERESTING and then Horatio will walk ahead and it won't be weird anymore, but then Horatio stops too, a few paces ahead.

God.

It proceeds like this, the two of you walking in fits and starts, one pausing to adjust his leggings or whatever and the other deciding to wait, but only after taking a few halting steps ahead.

You guys. I don't know.

When you finally get to bed, you go to sleep sad (Ophelia's dead, remember?) but also excited (You're going to expose Claudius tomorrow and you have Calypso's Gale to back you up, remember?).

While you're sleeping, I sneak in and pour a Potion of Not Grieving Anymore Because Feelings Are Boring into your ear (That's how liquids enter the body most efficiently, remember? REMEMBER? THIS IS ONE CALLBACK-FILLED SCENE, MY FRIEND.) and you wake up feeling not too emo, which is terrific, because honestly we're finally heading towards a climax and I don't want you missing out on it because you stay home feeling sad.

Okay!

Act 5, Scene 2 posted:

You put on your best confronting-the-king tights, and your fanciest confronting-the-king scabbard. Don't worry, I looked it up: it's a sheath for holding a sword.

You and Horatio are walking into the castle when Osric shows up!

Hey, I know this guy! He's a member of the royal court, and he's super manipulable. Here, I'll show you!

"Put your hat on," you say to Osric.

"No thanks. It's too hot today," he says.

"No man, it's cold, with winds from the north and a 30% chance of precipitation," you reply.

"Oh yeah, it's cold," he says.

"And yet, it's also super hot and humid!" you say.

"Yes. Yes, it's quite hot out," he says.

See? SEE?

Okay. I need to apologize because I've been making fun of your choices this entire book, but when I took over here all I did was have a pointless conversation with a dude who isn't even a real character in this story.

I'm sorry. Maybe... maybe this ISN'T as easy as it looks?

So I'll tell you what Osric's here to say: the king wants you to fence with Laertes, and he's gone ahead and made a bet. He thinks that in a dozen rounds Laertes won't win by more than three hits.

Oh, and he's put six horses on the line, six swords complete with sword accessories, and three fancy carriages. He is wagering all this neat stuff!

On the one hand, you're here to expose Claudius, not Laertes, and fighting Laertes won't actually solve anything at all and is entirely unrelated to avenging your father's death.

Also, he's probably upset about, you know, his sister and father dying, and I'm not really sure what swordfighting him will accomplish in the "helping him get past his grief" department.

On the other hand... well, no, actually, I can't think of a good reason why you should fight this guy.

Did you hear that?

I, the author of this story who has imagined this entire realm wholesald and brought it to life inside my head, cannot conceive of a single reason why you should fight Laertes.

Act 5, Scene 2 posted:

Osric leaves and then comes back immediately. "King wants to know if you'll fight him now." he says. "He's just in there."

Oh right, I forgot to mention! You're right outside the royal court, which is also the castle fencing room.

Anyway. Messengers gonna message, right? You say that's fine, and Osric says okay and leaves.

Horatio turns to you. "Listen man, I don't think you should do this. I don't think you're gonna win, Hamlet." he says.

"Sure I am!" you say. "I've been practicing fencing since the start of this story."



"What?" says Horatio, and I'm saying "What??" too, because there have been zero fencing scenes?

Like, at all?

Unless you count the pirate battle, but that was more swordfighting than fencing.

There's a difference, you know. They both require swordsmanship, but in the same way that poetry and essays are both "writing."

You realize that you were lying just now and start to feel bad about your chances.

"Maybe I won't win after all," you say. "I suddenly feel a sense of foreboding that would perhaps trouble a woman."

Aw geez, Hamlet. Aw geez.

Act 5, Scene 2 posted:

"Providence controls everything, even a sparrows death," you say. "If something's supposed to happen now, it will. It it's supposed to happen later, it won't happen now. All that matters is that we're prepared for it."

"Wait," says Horatio, "if you subscribe to a 'destiny is all' worldview where things happen when they're supposed to, how does preparedness enter into it? If it's going to happen, it'll happen whether or not you're prepared."

"Um," you say.

Act 5, Scene 2 posted:

And a bunch of other people you don't know! Wow, it looks like this plot is going to advance itself whether you want it to or not!

Claudius makes you and Laertes shake hands, and you apologize to Laertes as you do it.

You explain that, as a victim of mental illness, you should not be held criminally responsible for your actions, and it's a very nice speech except you are only faking being crazy, so all in all it's sort of a dick move on your part.

You draw the analogy of firing an arrow over your house and accidentally hitting your brother, and how in this situation it's not REALLY your fault for injuring him.

Laertes accepts your apology and is polite enough not to ask why you're recklessly firing arrows over your house in the first place. He still wants to fence you though!

What the heck -- it's a pretty wide hallway and everyone's already here. Guess you're going to fence right in this hallway!

Why not, right?

Osric offers you some swords.

They're all pretty much the same, so whatever sword you choose doesn't really matter.