Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be: The Adventures of Porkchop Weebottoms

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be: The Adventures of Porkchop Weebottoms

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Gort: Aug 18, 2003; Good day what ho cup of tea

Well, I'm interested to hear more if you can keep yourself from disappearing into a vortex of despair.

# ? Apr 2, 2015 21:53

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# ? May 10, 2024 06:02

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Right, this is getting weird. Travelling is done with for now, so let's get back to business and see how Yorick is handling himself now that he's decided to get out of the house.

quote:

_>>Restart<<
You roll out of bed, put on your walkin� shoes (if we�re being honest they�re the only pair you own, so they�re also your runnin� shoes and holes-in-�em shoes but that�s neither here nor there) and walk out into the crisp morning air. As you stroll around your small village you notice a sign nailed to a tree! You think �look sign� to yourself, and this is what you see:

�Wow!� you say out loud. �All my problems of not having cash would be solved if I got paid cash money!!� Then you tear the ad down so you can take it with you (also this prevents other people from applying for the job; Yorick, you are a young man whose fancy sometimes lightly turns to lawless self-interest.)

You decide to make your way down to the royal court to totally get this job. When you get there at 1:50 pm, you see several other potential jesters have arrived at well!

>>Sabotage the other jesters<<
>>Await your turn<<
>>Push your way to the front of the line<<

Yorick's initiative and willingness to go outside have quickly landed him a job interview with the government of Denmark. But how much initiative is enough?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 00:26 on Apr 17, 2015

# ? Apr 3, 2015 04:26

dreezy: Mar 4, 2015; yeah, rip.

They say the interview starts as soon as you arrive, so let's impress our prospective employers by using our jesterly wiles to out-trick our competitors.

# ? Apr 3, 2015 04:49

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

Let's sabotage our competition, because this can't possibly end poorly.

# ? Apr 3, 2015 08:44

Neige: Mar 20, 2006; Pregnant Woman got pepper sprayed and kicked in the stomach? That ugly bitch was asking for it.

Oh my, it must be a mirage, cuz I'm tellin' ya all it's sabotage!

# ? Apr 3, 2015 15:33

Kangra: May 7, 2012

Await Your Turn. We will pour no wine before its time.

# ? Apr 3, 2015 16:43

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Sabotage.

EDIT: I like the book so far. Like maybe I just have a higher tolerance of monkeycheese then most goons, but 'let's go back to the ocean' leading into being a Ghost Marine Biologist doesn't seem like monkeycheese from him as much as from us. We're a ghost investigating why we are dying, then go 'eh, I wanna go explore the ocean some more instead'. That's the random monkeycheese, to me, where we abandon character motivation and drive to do something completely out of left field because it's funny, not the end result being his writing about becoming a Marine Biologist.

Stallion Cabana fucked around with this message at 17:40 on Apr 3, 2015

# ? Apr 3, 2015 17:26

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Spring break is over, and it's time to see how Yorick's been busying himself while in line for his job interview. Why, he's been trying to screw over his competitors, of course!

quote:

_{>>Go back<<}
You decide that the best way to get this job is not to earn it by being the best candidate, but rather get it by ensuring nobody else is a viable candidate. In a single word of French origin: sabotage! You ponder for a bit on the subject of moral universalism (if an act is just, then it�s just for everyone to perform the act) and you imagine a universe in which everyone sabotages everyone else to get ahead. It seems terrible! So you conclude the only way to get ahead in such a universe is to sabotage everybody else first, and in doing so transform the Golden Rule (�Do unto others as you would have them do unto you�) into the Iron Rule (�Do unto others before they can do unto you first�). �The Iron Rule� sounds more badass so you�re big into it!

Your first sabotage attempt is to pull down the pants of one of the other jesters, but he notices when you do that and stabs you right through the brains.

Your body finds its way into a shallow grave, and 25 years later it�s dug up by Hamlet! He picks up your skull and says �Whoah, check it out! The knife this guy got stabbed with is still here, and you can see how it went right through his eyes and then popped out on the back of his skull! BAD. rear end.�

Hamlet adds the knife to his inventory and returns your skull to its grave. �I can use this knife in the future to open many things, such as for example a sealed letter or perhaps a jammed window,� he says.

Remember when I said you�d have an effect on the future? Well, that was it. You eventually help a thirty-year-old graverobber open a jammed window, by being the skull he stole an old knife from.

BEHOLD YOUR LEGACY, YORICK.

THE END

Whoops! It looks like Yorick isn't actually any good at sabotaging people. Bye, Yorick! We'll be seeing you after our next run of To Be or Not To Be.

We have a few choices as to how to proceed with our next run:

Option 1: The Ghost King doesn't become a marine biology ghostnerd and proceeds to Denmark to avenge himself.
Option 2: The Ghost King ignores the empty pirate ship entirely and continues on to Denmark.
Option 3: The Ghost King tries haunting a ship instead of crossing the ocean all on his lonesome.
Option 4: The Ghost King tries bothering the sleeping witness without writing anything down for her to read first.
Option 5: The Ghost King just accepts that he died of a heart attack instead of trying to investigate his death.
Option 6: We ignore the Ghost King entirely and check what Hamlet's been up to. That's what Yorick's been suggesting, after all.
Option 7: Screw the guys; let's play being Ophelia.

Voting ends on Tuesday at 10 PM CST. As a note, the illustrator of Poor Yorick is Tyson Hesse, and we'll be seeing more of his illustrations every time Yorick gets his poo poo kicked in.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 00:31 on Apr 17, 2015

# ? Apr 6, 2015 02:42

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Choice A, The best way to do Choose your Own Adventures is to backtrack slowly instead of fastly.

# ? Apr 6, 2015 03:29

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Stallion Cabana posted:

Choice A, The best way to do Choose your Own Adventures is to backtrack slowly instead of fastly.

Agreed.

# ? Apr 6, 2015 03:31

dreezy: Mar 4, 2015; yeah, rip.

Let's hurry it up with the revengeancing. Choice 1.

# ? Apr 6, 2015 07:12

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

# ? Apr 6, 2015 07:49

paradoxGentleman: Dec 10, 2013; wheres the jester, I could do with some pointless nonsense right about now

Stallion Cabana posted:

Choice A, The best way to do Choose your Own Adventures is to backtrack slowly instead of fastly.

This is the right way.

# ? Apr 6, 2015 09:02

Neige: Mar 20, 2006; Pregnant Woman got pepper sprayed and kicked in the stomach? That ugly bitch was asking for it.

Option 7

If we ignore the ghost ship, it just means some other stupid distraction will come up. Let's get right down to Hamletting.

# ? Apr 6, 2015 14:08

Kangra: May 7, 2012

Option 3

# ? Apr 7, 2015 16:57

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Ghost King Hamlet is going to pick up right before the point when he suddenly decided to study marine organisms for the rest of eternity. Instead, he's going to scurry along to Denmark and get on with the avenging thing he's supposed to do.

quote:

TURNS OUT that's really easy because he's in the first place you check: the royal court! He's there with your widow, Gertrude!

Weird, they're acting all close and stuff. Oh well. He's probably just trying to comfort her after your untimely death, hah hah; brothers are really great.

Though... maybe not?

In the play proper, the ghost of King Hamlet tells how he spends each night wandering as a ghost and each day suffering the horrific agonies of Christian Purgatory. In To Be Or Not To Be the Ghost King is having an easier time, so much so that he remains innocent as to the true nature of Claudius and Gertrude's relationship. Should we let him stay blissfully ignorant?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? Apr 8, 2015 06:02

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

I must of died and this is my Christian purgatory.

Listen in

# ? Apr 8, 2015 06:18

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Listen I feel like 'not listening' is just going to be another ending.

# ? Apr 8, 2015 06:48

dreezy: Mar 4, 2015; yeah, rip.

This is the second time we've been given the opportunity to eavesdrop and it worked out swimmingly last time, so let's listen in again.

# ? Apr 8, 2015 08:09

Neige: Mar 20, 2006; Pregnant Woman got pepper sprayed and kicked in the stomach? That ugly bitch was asking for it.

This is real slow, isn't it? I mean, what else are we supposed to do?

Listen in

Thanks for saving me money, though.

# ? Apr 8, 2015 15:05

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Hamlet Dad's just too suspicious about all of chatter between his brother and his widow. Let's see if he takes it well.

quote:

Whoah! That certainly was, in terms of exposition, a very efficient sentence!

You decide instantly that your initial revenge plan (haunt a mirror so instead of Claudius's reflection he sees you, and then you mirror his movements so he's not really sure what's going on, tee hee!) is needlessly complex and stupid.

Dude killed you AND married your widow! Since you are from olden times, you have an extremely old-fashioned sense of ownership over female sexuality, so this really gets stuck in your craw. Instead of spooking Claudius, you decide to...

Nope, he didn't take it well at all. Rather than playing pranks on his brother for killing him, Hamlet Dad is going to seek out a way to murder his brother for both killing him and marrying his widow. But how's he going to go about it? Is he going to attempt the deed all on his ghostly self, or is he going to enlist his precious son as an accomplice?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? Apr 8, 2015 23:57

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Wait, shouldn't getting your son to kill Claudius have a skull on it?

Whatever.

Do it yourself damnit.

# ? Apr 9, 2015 00:15

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.

# ? Apr 9, 2015 00:29

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Stallion Cabana posted:

Wait, shouldn't getting your son to kill Claudius have a skull on it?

No see because we're playing as Ghost Hamlet we're not doing the canon thing. :suicide:

Do it yourself.

# ? Apr 9, 2015 00:50

dreezy: Mar 4, 2015; yeah, rip.

Kill Claudius and I swear to god if this just leads directly to a stupid dead end then I am done with Ryan North and his bullshit.

# ? Apr 9, 2015 04:26

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

dreezy posted:

Kill Claudius and I swear to god if this just leads directly to a stupid dead end then I am done with Ryan North and his bullshit.

Hey, about that.

quote:

You wait until Claudius is sleeping (NEXT TO YOUR WIDOW) then wake him up by tapping him on the forehead a bit.

"Hey, it's me!" you whisper. "Your brother! The one you murdered!!"

"Aw crap," Claudius whispers back. "Ghosts are real?"

"Real pissed at you, anyway," you reply. "Listen, I'll cut to the chase: we are from a time where 'an eye for an eye' is considered a good thing to build a justice system around, so I am here to kill you."

"How?" Claudius asks, his eyes wide, terrified.

"Aw geez, so many ways," you say, counting them off on your fingers. "I could startle you and make you have a heart attack, but that takes time. I could throw a pot at your head until you die, but that lacks grace. Instead, check this out."

You move your ghost body so it's floating right above Claudius. He stares at you, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Way too late for THAT," you reply. You lower yourself to him, face to face, and keep going. His face dominates your field of vision and then you're inside his skull, inside the pink of his brain, his blood darkly obscuring your sight. You sink slowly deeper and deeper into him, lining up your ghost body with his regular body, until you are just about occupying exactly the same space.

Then you make yourself corporeal.

What happens next happens so quickly and with such force that it's hard to describe, but "Claudius explodes everywhere" captures most of it. I mean, you're fine, but man this is disgusting. Literally disgusting. Gertrude wakes up, dripping in gore, screaming.

You, my friend, have achieved revenge.

You roll over to your back and apologize to Gertrude. You explain over her screams what happened, and you tell her that you still love her even though she married your brother mere weeks after you died.

But you can't be with her any more, you say. You tell her you need to go find your own path. "Sorry about the bed," you say, floating up through the roof.

You spend the rest of the afterlife acting as an immortal judge beyond the grave, exploding those who have committed the most egregious crimes, merely blowing the hands off those who have been awful people but still, you feel, deserve a second chance.

People whisper your name in fear (criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot, after all) and it works out pretty good for you. You do a lot of good for a lot of people. And yep, it turns out that blowing up bad guys never does get old!!

THE END

If the number of choices made as listed on the game over screen looks a bit off, it's because the game doesn't appear to properly track number of choices made when it's loaded from a checkpoint. I didn't post the Haml-O-Meter this time, but we got the lowest rating (again) anyway.

Interestingly, the doodle on top of the game over screen appears to be randomized, drawn from a pool somewhere. Even if you hit the same ending multiple times, there's a good chance you'll get a different Game Over doodle after the ending illustration. This sort of randomness crops up in a few other places in the app, too.

Whatever the case, though, it looks like King Claudius has once again reached a happy ending of sorts, and that means we'll be spending some time with Poor Yorick again! Welcome back, Yorick!

Last time we went through Poor Yorick, we died after two decisions due to a rather inexpert attempt to sabotage our fellow job candidates. Let's try not to do that again!

Option 1: Wait patiently in line instead of trying to sabotage the other aspiring court jesters
Option 2: Push our way to the front of the line instead of trying to sabotage the other aspiring court jesters
Option 3: Restart the book and just stay in bed instead of going outside
Option 4: Restart the book and die instantly instead of going outside

Good luck, Yorick!

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:07 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? Apr 9, 2015 06:01

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

I found that kind of amusing personally. It gave me a small chuckle at you going all Scanners on his head.

Choice A again

# ? Apr 9, 2015 06:46

Kangra: May 7, 2012

Option 3: I shoulda stood in bed.

I have to admit I'm rather enjoying some of the art, like the first Yorick ending.

# ? Apr 9, 2015 06:49

Decoy Badger: May 16, 2009

That was a pretty entertaining ending. The author gave us exactly what we asked for, and did it without going overboard on the wankery.

Option 1.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 00:35

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Kangra posted:

Option 3: I shoulda stood in bed.

I have to admit I'm rather enjoying some of the art, like the first Yorick ending.

There's a good deal that I like about the art direction in both these gamebooks. It looks to me like all the webcomic artists who drew illustrations of Ghost King Hamlet were held to the same reference sheet, so he almost always has the same distinguishing characteristics regardless of who drew him or in what style. We're starting to see the same with Hamlet Junior, too, and that's going to continue.

Maybe we'll even see another game over illustration right at the end of this update, depending on how Yorick's decision to wait at the very back of a line of perfectly qualified jester interviewees pans out!

quote:

_{>>Go back<<}
You patiently await your turn.

While you wait, you start to chat with the jester next to you. He�s wearing a red leotard printed with white diamonds, and has face paint on that exaggerates his features. He explains to you that jesters have a long and proud tradition. They fall into two camps: the �natural fool�, or someone who really is a big dummy, and the �licensed fool�, who is given permission to just act like a big dummy. Licensed fools tend to last longer, because natural fools don�t know when to keep their mouths shut. �The jester is a special job,� he says, �We�re entertainers, sure, but we�re also able to directly address the regent in a way few others can. That is the special magic of the jest.�

�To be a jester,� he intones with great gravity, �is both an honour and a privilege.�

�What�s your act?� you ask.

�I put a squirrel in my pants and then act real upset that there is a squirrel in my pants,� he says.

King Carl Hamlet sticks his head into the room and looks around. He points to you and says �You�re up, chuckles!�

>>Enter the Royal Court<<
>>Push your new friend forward instead<<
>>Attack the king<<

Maybe these other jesters aren't so qualified after all. King Hamlet hasn't made his decision and sent everybody else home yet; Yorick might just have a chance!

However, first impressions are very important. How should Yorick present himself to his would-be boss?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 00:33 on Apr 17, 2015

# ? Apr 10, 2015 00:36

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Just Go In There I can't see attacking the king being worth anything.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 00:42

Kangra: May 7, 2012

Yeah, let's enter the court.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 00:59

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Enter the court

# ? Apr 10, 2015 01:04

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

It's our turn to shine, let's not blow it; enter the court.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 01:10

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Keeping in mind his new friend's wise words about different types of jesters, Yorick elects not to style himself as a natural fool. Perhaps he'll be able to do such things without consequence if he successfully passes as a licensed fool.

quote:

_{>>Go back<<}
You shyly step into the Royal Court. It�s a beautiful room, clearly capable of entertaining the entire monarchy of this here country (Denmark, in case you forgot). But right now it�s mostly empty. The only people here are your king (Carl Hamlet, who�s walking ahead of you, intent on settling into his throne), your queen (Gertrude Hamlet, smiling politely), and their son, Hamlet Jr. He looks to be about five years old.

�Pleased to meet you, your majesties,� you say. �I am Yorick.�

�This is our son, Kid Hamlet,� says the king. �He�s getting to be a bit of a handful as he grows up, and we want to keep him entertained. Since nobody has yet invented an automatic entertainment system�perhaps where automatons and mechanical men perform plays at our merest whim and we can pause them should we desire to get up to for a drink, or �rewind� them should we miss something and wish to revisit it�as I say, since this [sic] as not yet been invented, we have to rely on actual alive people to entertain us.�

�...Okay,� you say. �Um, I�m an alive person. I can do that.�

�Wonderful!� says the king. �Please, proceed.�

>>Recount a charming jape<<
>>Make a fart noise by blowing between your hands, and then look around accusingly and say �Whoah, that wasn�t me�<<
>>Make a pass at the queen<<

Yorick has made it to the most critical moment of his life. Either he impresses the Royal Family of Denmark enough to become accepted as their personal entertainer, or he leaves the palace in shame. How will he win his lieges over?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 00:34 on Apr 17, 2015

# ? Apr 10, 2015 13:13

Glazius: Jul 22, 2007; Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.; Clapping Larry

We are going to unleash charming japes like it recently became illegal to possess them.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 15:54

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

It's fart noise time.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 19:02

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

*faaaarrrrrrrts*

# ? Apr 10, 2015 19:08

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

I was going to say jape but then I remembered we're entertaining a five-year old. Fart time it is.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 19:12

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# ? May 10, 2024 06:02

Decoy Badger: May 16, 2009

Make like Bobby Hill and make fart noises.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:10

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be: The Adventures of Porkchop Weebottoms

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