Croatio: A Land of Contrasts

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Croatio: A Land of Contrasts

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Hey you should do more drugs and let more tenants never pay you while you live in squalor and untreated mental illness like all the other threads in your post history

# ¿ Mar 31, 2015 01:43

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 13:22

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Professor Tomtom posted:

This but unironocally.

I was not being ironic either

# ¿ Mar 31, 2015 08:15

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

EMILY BLUNTS posted:

Forget the hot dogs and buns, actually
just do $100 of pickles and eat them all on youtube

If you eat $100 of pickles on youtube, providing documentation of the pickle cost and video documentation of each pickle being consumed, repeating at least 10 times during the video "I make bad life choices with my money, I am eating my rent money in pickles instead of saving it for rent." I will paypal you or the paypal address of your choosing $150USD.

# ¿ Apr 2, 2015 01:21

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

I'm OK if the OP buys some fancy gourmet pickles that cost $20 each, or if he spreads his consumption over a number of days. The important thing is the bulletproof documentation of the expenditure and the recurring theme of confirming to the viewer that he makes bad life decisions.

# ¿ Apr 2, 2015 02:30

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:

Yeah let me get the jack and roll up a pallet of pickles into the studio

I don't even like pickles all that much. A few slices in the burger are okay, but pigging out on a gallon jar of pickles? Nuoh my god.

Sounds more like you don't like a 50% guaranteed ROI

# ¿ Apr 2, 2015 19:27

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

I will paypal you $15 if you post a video of yourself and the apartment, wherein you say today's date, your somethingawful name, walk us through and show us the entirety of the apartment, list all of the drugs you have done in the last 3 months (including alcohol) and provide us with an explanation of the worst outcome of each drug usage and whether or not you felt it was a good idea in hindsight. The video walkthrough of the apartment must be at least 60 seconds long and the description of your drug usage must last at least 120 seconds (so go into some detail don't just say you drank a beer and puked it was bad).

# ¿ Apr 3, 2015 04:22

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:

I'm fuckin' done with deliriants. What happened last week taught me a big lesson and I won't do Biperiden anymore.

Before I delve into the disaster last week, let it be known that I managed to overpay the electricity - the bill was issued on a rough estimate of my consumption - noone had read out the meter during the past six months and I greatly reduced the consumption by getting rid of my gaming rig. As it turned out, now the power company owes me $100.

This is not the point of this post, however. I'm one of that guys who has a spectacularly bad track record with drugs yet continues to use them. I attribute this to my persistent inability to take my very own advice and also being a loving idiot. Biperiden almost got me killed last week and the fact that I wrecked my poo poo completely and utterly is only a tip of the iceberg.

So what happened? I procured a box of Biperiden and did a week-long binge. The subtle gotcha with this drug is that you're not supposed to redose after you stop being noticeably high, or else you're going to OD and push yourself into the delirium. This is, like, the first thing I would say to people trying this drug, I tried it time and time again yet I managed to completely ignore my own advice (chalk this up to my general stupidity.)

So I managed to OD and lose my mind in the process. The concept of time is extremely blurred so I'm going to make a bulleted list of the stupid poo poo I've done:

-Attempted (and failed) to brew coffee several times. I don't know what I did with it but it tasted terrible and was translucent. Soap coffee, again??

-At one point, I gave up on coffee and decided to cook dinner instead. I mistook a chair for a pot (!!!!!), put it on the stove with legs sticking up in the air and set it on fire. (!!!!) I remember being confused with the shape of my "pot", because it looked like a chair. I realized that yes, I must have happened upon a really strange looking pot so I just dumped rice over it while it was on fire and retreated to the living room to watch anime. At one point my animes became really difficult to see and I wondered why this happened, I soon realized that it was because the apartment was full of smoke. I rushed to the kitchen and put the fire out - I don't rememeber how I did it but I didn't use the extinguisher. The chair was a goner and there are still bits of soot and burnt upholstery stuck to the stove.

-The next thing I know, the kitchen is loving flooded. Being a master of multitasking, I was doing laundry while cooking the chair. I reckon that I must have lowered the draining hose to the floor for reasons unknown and the place flooded. I remember angrily mopping the floor for 30 minutes while not realizing that the washing machine is constantly feeding water to the floor.

-The salt shaker and some other tidbits went MIA. I found the salt shaker this afternoon... in the toolbox. Also there was a cigarette in the shoe cabinet - it was like finding a present from a drunk Santa! (yeah I smoked it with gusto)

-I remember thinking how the corner store manager was cool for letting me trade 26 empty beer bottles for a single full one. It didn't dawn on me, until much much later, that this meant that I had consumed at least 52 liters of beer during the past week. I have no idea how much is that in imperial gallons, but it's definitely "too much". My car had a gas tank that could contain less fluid.

At this point, things went from bad to worse. I left my apartment and went to the clinic for some incomprehensible reason. I have absolutely no recollection of the events that unfolded, but I was apparently tasered and kicked out at some point. I seem to have stolen someone's umbrella and dropped my wallet, jacket and a hat before returning home. When I got sober I rightfully freaked out about losing my wallet and I got all of my credit cards suspended. It wasn't until today that the security called me and told me that they found my wallet - they got the phone number from my psychiatrist and I'm going to receive a helluva pranging for that. Not that I don't deserve it, but heck.
Now I have all of my cards blocked but at least I have my ID. I'm glad I got the wallet back because it's brand new and made out of quality leather, it cost me fifty bucks... my dingy old bucket hat is gone forever though.

Also now I know that my wristwatch is piss-proof. I found it in the toilet bowl and I mistook it for a turd which just wouldn't flush. The watch is still working.

In all, gently caress gently caress gently caress. 3/10 probably wouldn't do it again.

Please do more drugs and also please show us photos of the stove because that's hilarious

# ¿ May 9, 2015 01:50

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

do more stories and post more drugs

# ¿ May 13, 2015 23:06

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

You shouldn't be hiding your usage of mind altering substances from the person who proscribes you other mind altering substances that can have negative effects when mixed with mind altering substances.

but again, I must encourage you to do more drugs and post the stories.

# ¿ Jun 3, 2015 17:50

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

do more hard drugs and cook more furniture please

# ¿ Jun 4, 2015 06:19

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:

Well, the kid is only a month late with his rent. I'm not gonna go Hitler on his rear end over $200.
He's been at my place for about eight months now and he has a pretty solid track record - this is in fact the first time he's been decidedly late with rent - and it's outta his hands anyway since he didn't get paid for his work at the cafe.

I am not going to allow this to spiral out of control like I did with Dad the dad tenant from over a year ago.

By the way, I'm using drugs but all of those are prescribed to me - it could be said that I'm using my scripts creatively. In fact I have a script for joose but I'm not using it since loving around with benzos can be pretty dangerous, especially since I can't be trusted around pills.

cook more furniture

# ¿ Jun 5, 2015 03:03

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Phthisis posted:

is there any reason why he might NOT kill you?

plot twist: Fatbeard is Nicholas' Biperden hookup

# ¿ Jun 22, 2015 21:17

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

How the gently caress are they foreclosing on a property you sold?

That's not how property transfers work. Did you not actually sell the property?

# ¿ Jul 7, 2015 02:34

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Tell more stories and post more pictures.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2015 02:50

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Have you considered taking all of your stories from this thread and other places you've written them, compiling them into a chronological order, and selling them as a book?

If Tucker Max can do it multiple times, you certainly can. Might be a fun creative outlet too.

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 22:50

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

Non Serviam posted:

Just don't present them as fact, since it's pretty obvious you're full of poo poo.
But still enjoyable.

thank god you're here to ruin a good story by questioning it's veracity

# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 07:53

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

skeletonotherkin posted:

YOU SHUT UP NOW. A fatty sweat beard is not another 50ft ant.

50ft Ant stories were amusing as hell and I really wish people would come around to the realization that questioning the veracity of a story never makes the story better.

# ¿ Oct 9, 2015 04:00

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

redreader posted:

I don't know what trams are but I recommend you do this in the opposite order. To be clear:

1: go to police, file report
2: go home
3: take the drugs that you call 'trams'

You know he's gonna wake up and be all 3, 2, 1 BLASTOFF.

OP tell us about the policedrugs when you get back / out of jail

# ¿ Oct 27, 2015 23:21

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:

I'm not going to chimp out on Tramadol. The worst thing that can happen is that I just might nod off during interrogation, and being frank with the inspector (I took strong painkillers because my back is killing me) is closest to the truth and won't rise any eyebrows.

I am not cool enough to know what trams are, I just knew that you would be doing it in the reverse order that that guy recommended.

Don't let him dull your sparkle.

# ¿ Oct 28, 2015 00:19

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 13:22

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

If you spend it all on drugs you'll probably come up with a scheme to make even more money than that, invest it like this please

# ¿ Dec 2, 2015 23:02

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