just got a job as a retard masturbator

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > just got a job as a retard masturbator

ham_sanitizer: Jul 12, 2014; professional swine bather

i used to joke to friends that there should be a govt office that gives handjobs to the homeless. turns out this is real.

# ? Apr 10, 2015 20:38

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# ? May 15, 2024 10:34

Happy Bear Suit: Jul 21, 2004

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

lol

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:20

WD40: Nov 25, 2005

They should have called the company Handifapped

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:24

Antifa Spacemarine: Jan 11, 2011; Tzeentch can suck it.

Wait is that real? They actually have a service to jack off retards?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:25

Frog Act: Feb 10, 2012

Shaman Ooglaboogla posted:

Wait is that real? They actually have a service to jack off retards?

http://www.touchingbase.org/

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:26

horriblePencilist: Oct 18, 2012; It's a Dirt Devil!
Get it?

Imagine the scene in Ace Ventura where Carrey pretends to be retarded, but Carrey is me - and it's not clues I'm after.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:33

Fuck da Mods: Jun 27, 2013; fina get poz'd?

WD40 posted:

They should have called the company Handifapped

HandiFap

# ? Apr 11, 2015 00:44

RaceBannon: Apr 3, 2010

Shaman Ooglaboogla posted:

Wait is that real? They actually have a service to jack off retards?

I want to know the story behind this. How did this come to be?

Someone summarize.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:05

Riot Bimbo: Dec 28, 2006

someone in australian congress, or kangaroo court as it's known in sydney, had a son with really bad palsy, but he couldn't figure out how to coerce the hooker into jerking off his son for his birthday. his tardson got really mad and killed his mom with something australian, and since then if you suggest maybe spastics shouldn't jack off with hookerhands you get called an ableist.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:19

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

this thread :jerkbag:

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:20

bitmap: Aug 8, 2006

there was that one really brutal burn though

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:46

F hole: May 13, 2008

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:49

the bitcoin of weed: Nov 1, 2014

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

holy gently caress

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:54

Harald: Jul 10, 2009; by Fluffdaddy

Shaman Ooglaboogla posted:

Wait is that real? They actually have a service to jack off retards?

why, you gonna sign up?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:57

potee: Jul 23, 2007; Or, you know.

Not fine.

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:58

tangy yet delightful: Sep 13, 2005

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

gently caress da Mods posted:

HandiFap

HandiFapable. Don't cripple shame.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 01:58

Sax Mortar: Aug 24, 2004

powerofrecall should win best thread.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:03

Funky See Funky Do: Aug 20, 2013; STILL TRYING HARD

Does the organisation pay for the hookers or do just pimp them?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:04

Lightanchor: Nov 2, 2012

They charge people (prostitutes and disability organizations) to attend workshops on prostitution for the disabled. They refer disabled people to prostitutes who attended their workshop. They also sell a guide on how to have sex with a prostitute

e: Their main work is raising awareness

Lightanchor fucked around with this message at 02:38 on Apr 11, 2015

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:32

Dick Fagballzson: Sep 29, 2005

Retards aren't competent to consent to sex so I don't get how this is a thing.

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:35

Windows 98: Nov 13, 2005; HTTP 400: Bad post

flawless victory

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:46

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

Dick Fagballzson posted:

Retards aren't competent to consent to sex so I don't get how this is a thing.

Consent ableist spotted

# ? Apr 11, 2015 02:47

Cuntellectual: Aug 6, 2010

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

Goldmine

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:05

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

bitmap posted:

there was that one really brutal burn though

i didnt see it does anyone have a screenshot or archives

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:10

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

I want to be a sex worker for disabled people, disabled people are my kink

And I want egghead social scientist PhDs to praise me for being a big ol whore

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:11

Colonel J: Jan 3, 2008

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:13

Brock Samsonite: Feb 3, 2010; Reality becomes illusory and observer-oriented when you study general relativity. Or Buddhism. Or get drafted.

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:23

OMG JC a Bomb!: Jul 13, 2004; We are the Invisible Spatula. We are the Grilluminati. We eat before and after dinner. We eat forever. And eventually... eventually we will lead them into the dining room.

sex workers and the disabled coming together

lmao one of them does, anyway

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:28

Harald: Jul 10, 2009; by Fluffdaddy

quote:

Harald posted:

Harald fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Apr 11, 2015

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:28

Acid Haze: Feb 16, 2009

Came in here for detailed accounts of the process of this job and maybe pics. Very disappointed. Voted 1

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:38

Frog Act: Feb 10, 2012

Acid Haze posted:

Came in here for detailed accounts of the process of this job and maybe pics. Very disappointed. Voted 1

http://i.imgur.com/CvzCTV1.gifv :nws:

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:39

Bro Dad: Mar 26, 2010

powerofrecall posted:

so you work from home op?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:40

gnarlyhotep: Sep 30, 2008; by Lowtax; Oven Wrangler

Acid Haze posted:

Came in here for detailed accounts of the process of this job and maybe pics. Very disappointed. Voted 1

Sorry we don't cater to your fetish here

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:41

Stoic Commie: Aug 29, 2005; by XyloJW

Acid Haze posted:

Came in here for detailed accounts of the process of this job and maybe pics. Very disappointed. Voted 1

i posted a video of a literal retard being masturbated. what is wrong with me. what is wrong with you for not seeing it

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:41

Acid Haze: Feb 16, 2009

Frog Act posted:

http://i.imgur.com/CvzCTV1.gifv

So which one are you?

E: The detail was poor and I have yet to hear any details about this job, so I changed my vote to a 3.

Acid Haze fucked around with this message at 03:47 on Apr 11, 2015

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:42

Sas: Oct 29, 2014

revdrkevind posted:

Andy is 27 years old, a young man who prior to his accident was working for one of the major banks. He was married and had a daughter aged two years old. Andy was returning from work one evening when he was assaulted and robbed. The muggers got his $5 dollar watch and his wallet with $10 in it.

As a result of his injury Andy was unable to return to work and had severe problems with his memory. His wife left him and went back to her country of origin and soon remarried. Andy had to move back with his parents who started treating him like a child although he was not behaving like a child.

He was constantly criticised by his father and told he was worthless, as he was unable to keep his wife and daughter and their relationship together. Arguments started to become more frequent in the family and ended with Andy being disowned by his father and had to find alternate accommodation.

After much work by a rehab team Andy was settled back into a place that he could call home and he did not have to deal with his father. Soon after this he started stealing women�s clothing from neighbours and was arrested. Charges were not laid and a psychologist who had no knowledge of brain injury put a behaviour modification program into place. This was unsuccessful and Andy was then prescribed medication. Andy found that this medication was affecting his erectile function but was scared to stop it as part of his conditions for being released was that he comply with the medical treatment allocated by the specialists he had been referred to.

Andy started getting sexually frustrated again and got into trouble again with the law. Another referral was made to a different rehabilitation center and Andy was interviewed. Andy discussed his previous behavior but this time the interview was conducted by a male staff member, Andy was able to discuss his sexuality openly.

Andy was then able to form the goal of attaining the services of a sex worker. This took quite a long time as his culture, pride and beliefs did not allow for males to visit a sex worker especially after they had been married. An annulment of the marriage had to be requested and receive before Andy was willing to pursue his goal.

Then issues with description of workers and sexual exploration had to be addressed. Andy decided and was very strong in expressing that he was now bisexual and did not just want one sex worker but one of each gender. This was going to cost him a lot of money and he was only on the disability pension plus some victim�s compensation money that he was awaiting. When given his compensation money, Andy was appointed a public financial trustee due to his severe memory problems.

Extensive negotiations had to be undertaken for Andy to access his money to fulfill his goal. Finally the money was given to him, two sex workers were found that would fulfill his goal separately and Andy attended on his own. After he had achieved his goal, Andy was persistent that he had not done so and this proved to be a problem, as Andy was reporting that he could not remember having sex with any one. A cards system was developed and this overcame that problem. Andy now has a couple of sex workers he visits on his own and he reports that they are different to the original ones.

wow he should just video it from a hidden camera so he can remind himself when he wants to.

*helper points to the screen*

"Who's that handsome fella getting railed by a prostitute? That's right, it's you! Do you remember Andy? Remember that?"

Sas fucked around with this message at 03:47 on Apr 11, 2015

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:45

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

he should update his resume and get back out there now that he has hands on experience

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:59

ham_sanitizer: Jul 12, 2014; professional swine bather

Sas posted:

wow he should just video it from a hidden camera so he can remind himself when he wants to.

*helper points to the screen*

"Who's that handsome fella getting railed by a prostitute? That's right, it's you! Do you remember Andy? Remember that?"

Gay retard?

# ? Apr 11, 2015 03:59