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I've actually been reading this on and off the past few days, so here are some random, general notes: This is oddly compelling, even though it's not the sort of thing I'd buy a whole book for, ya dig? Like, it's one big over-the-top video game or anime sequence. I'm wondering if you ever read the Malazan series? It's like that, but with less agonizing over potsherds and glottal stops. Some of your characters are kind of memorable. The professor guy and the lady come to mind, though the rest of the characters run together in my memory a little bit because they're all kind of rrrr grizzled badass. Shura is memorable in that he tells everyone who he is once a chapter, it feels like. The writing is serviceable. You have some good passages. You have some clunky passages. I felt like, because this has a ton of action, that you were reaching for ways to not repeat yourself too much. It's hard to write smooth action and blocking when everyone is constantly moving around, swinging swords, shooting projectiles, and using kind of abstract magic. You've got your whole martial science thing going on, but like I said it's a very abstract sort of power. I've read enough fantasy with crazy, hard-to-describe magic systems, so I was more or less able to visualize what these guys are doing. These characters are kind of too badass. It's a little hard to care about them, since I'm not really worried about their safety. All the tension is derived from "how are they going to use their awesome powers to defeat the hordes of fodder and/or mini boss?" I'm torn on that, actually. I can kind of see how this is reminiscent of old space opera or cheesy adventure novels, only aimed at kids who grew up with anime/video games instead of old detective comics and flash gordon. So it's not all bad, but you're at risk of getting formulaic. edit: one more thought, the setting is kind of anonymous. I know there are some tribal dudes who are The Enemy, and I know there is some terrain and at least one fort, but that's about it. There are some issues that I'd need to crit at the line-by-line level, but I don't know that a longer story really needs that until it's done. I welcome you to come on over to the flash fiction Thunderdome, however. You'll get more specific critiques, and it might help you spot some bad habits that are hard to see when you're elbow deep in writing a novel. Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 22:57 on May 11, 2015 |
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May 11, 2015 22:52
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 04:22 |
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