Stubear St. Pierre posted:

"Wow," you all say to yourselves as you gently soar back to Earth in your exo-suit, teeth still grinding from the action packed orgiastic riot of carnage that was Call of Duty: Root Beer. "That was loving full of epic win," you mutter to yourself in your gravelly Batman gamer voice. It's been like 5 months. You've jumped hard. You've broken poo poo in real life with how hard you were jumping. You chuckled at that joke I made about the bicuriator even though it didn't really land. You became an MLG pro with all that MLG competition. You've won loving medals in clan wars that were the only thing you've cared about for literally minutes on end last December or whenever they started working before you quit. Your Twitch stream is all full of subscribers and money and chicks flashing their tits at you and poo poo. There's a plaque on your wall that just says "What an epic loving almost half a year." Next to the other 8 of them.

But you hunger for more. Sure, the series began with a bang, with COD4, and has matured into a barely recognizable behemoth of deep gameplay, dedicated servers, and numbers, the numbers, so many mother loving numbers it would make Bill Nye poo poo a trillion digit prime. So where does the series go next? What unexpected twist awaits us? Time and time again we've clutched our fedoras (actually mine is a trilby) as we were swept away by an action packed pack of action that we played for what seemed like hours for an entire week. It's spawned like six clans, numerous Google spreadsheets, a Steam group that surprisingly few people have bothered to leave in the past two years, and over 80% of the threads posted in Games in the past 10 years. It's the most popular game on PC, ever.

And now it's time for me to briefly set aside my new subscription to HBO GO, stop bitching about my commute and software development to people who don't care, and open up a new tab in my browser while trying to ignore the thumbnail of a jacked black dude sucking his own dick that's been on the front page of xnxx.com for the past like 8 days. Now I bring you nerds this year's installment, of the Call of the Duty:



Press X to bark, motherfuckers.

We begin this year, as always, with three questions:

Q: DUUAAHHH DUURRH I BUY CALL OF DUTY?
A: You're going to do it anyway, or someone is going to buy it for you like last year and I'm gonna feel bad for not playing it

Q: Something else?
A: Let's just take a look at the facts:

Facts so hard that the Earth's mantle shatters beneath them


Game modes so new, they will tear your rear end in a top hat inside out, rotate it 90 degrees and stick it back in so you will poo poo sideways


Servers so dedicated, they make Franciscan monks look like the noob shitlords they are


Some pork I made last year, god I love this pic


MLG Pro goons absolutely crushing that pussy


And as unbelievable as it may sound, all of that is just random poo poo I had in my My Pictures folder. There's loving more.

The cold, hard facts
The reality is that this installment promises to be not only the most tactical installment yet, but also the most epic. Preliminary data confirms this, and by cross-indexing with price, we see that this is the most Epicness per dollar available to the American or European or, heh, Australian consumer in recent memory:



Call of Duty: Whatever promises to once again turn the gaming community on its head, thereby possibly turning it upright, but it just doesn't give a poo poo anymore after having been turned on its head so frequently and brutally by the breathtaking innovation seen by the now 5 or 6 separate development studios struggling desperately to slap a new set of menus on the same slop of poo poo game from 2008 without their brutalized and ashamed bastardization of the Quake 3 engine completely disintegrating into a pile of tactical feces. The entire concept of Guns In A Video Game Wherein You Hold Aforementioned Guns In Front Of You At Sort Of An Angle has been shaken up to the point of insanity, like a tasteless shaken baby joke that I'm immediately regretting but not enough to hit the backspace key. In between violent seizures of tactical carnage and fast-paced lobby simulation, you will experience a subdural hematoma of explosive action as you fire a gun that isn't anything like an M4A1 and curse the noob shitlords who stand in opposition as they use another gun that's like an AK47 only not, because clearly both that gun and their connection is superior.

New for this edition is a map that was inspired by another map that sucked then also, as well as team-based matches to the death. A killstreak that is sort of fun but not worth getting 17 kills for, but does last long enough for you to remember the Chopper Gunner from Modern Warfare 2. Team deathmatch. A level where something happens, or sometimes doesn't, but basically always does. Tiny pieces of paper poo poo floating through the air everywhere on every map, because war is hell. Rubble. Match-based team deathplay. The color brown. Possibly some undergrowth, and a corner where you can camp. Sixty dollars you could have spent on a tank of gas, and had some money left over, because we are living in an incredible time. The world around you, seemingly gray and dull, as a husk of your former self huddles over your Xbox One and is brought momentarily back to life in a flash of nostalgia as the number "100" pops up on your screen and you remember a simpler time, when people you liked actually played this dumb poo poo, whose voices are now but a ghostly echo reverberating through your nearly empty mind with words of switching to GTA V or Titanfall that remain now as ever nothing more than an ethereal gust of hope that will never come to be. A single-player portion of a multi-billion dollar franchise where you actually play as a German Shepherd and press X to bark. More team deathmatch. No UAVs, as they're simply too powerful.

And blackness.

That's right. In addition to being the most tactical, one will find that these ops are also 50% blacker than previous Ops encountered by the MLG pro community:


There is, of course, much, much more to come. I plan to update this thread with the factual fervor with which I updated the A&W thread--meaning once, but with a lot of words. But alas, I'm exhausted, and I need to post this before some loving nerd who takes this retarded poo poo seriously posts a thread and I have to wait around until October for it to be totally abandoned and Wazzit to tell me to post another.

So with that, let's all cozy up in our leopard print slankets, throw some pillows around until the bedroom is a mess of feathers and giggles and semen, and suit the gently caress up for Call of Duty

Black Cops (Three)