Pasta Sauce - A miracle worker requested - The Something Awful Forums

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Pasta Sauce - A miracle worker requested

«‹›10 »

Explosive Tampons: Jul 9, 2014; Your days are gone!!!

Goldmine it already

# ? Jun 28, 2015 02:42

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 7, 2024 11:46

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

Kasan posted:

I lucked out and found a jar of alfredo on top of my fridge. Tonight I'll make alfredo instead and hopefully by tomorrow there are some suggestions here.

# ? Jun 29, 2015 03:48

lollontee: Nov 4, 2014; Can't post for 10 years!

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Jun 29, 2015 06:48

Hogge Wild: Aug 21, 2012; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Jun 29, 2015 06:52

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

no dont, i want to see how many more left turns this thread will take :munch:

# ? Jun 29, 2015 06:58

Xaris: Jul 25, 2006; Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry

holy lol

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:08

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

Royal Catvisor sends OP on a quest to find ye fabled substance 'floor'

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:29

Hogge Wild: Aug 21, 2012; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

whoflungpoop posted:

Royal Catvisor sends OP on a quest to find ye fabled substance 'floor'

i'd keep animals away from the op

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:32

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

I work with flammable and explosive materials next to the supremely incindiary trashheap nestled snugly against the building that houses my family

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:35

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

whoflungpoop posted:

I work with flammable and explosive materials next to the supremely incindiary trashheap nestled snugly against the building that houses my family

groversmithy

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:36

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

Hogge Wild posted:

i'd keep animals away from the op

lol

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:37

lollontee: Nov 4, 2014; Can't post for 10 years!

Hogge Wild posted:

i'd keep animals away from the op

# ? Jun 29, 2015 07:43

Necros: Jul 23, 2003

sca are those guys that get beat up by the black leather and skeleton armor bdsm guys

# ? Jun 29, 2015 21:06

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

the real irony is that a man-sized intelligent animal in the middle ages would be seen as a witchcraft monster demon. it would then be tied up and burnt at the stake @ 325 for 4 hours, serving 60.

# ? Jun 29, 2015 23:10

Xenomrph: Dec 9, 2005; AvP Nerd/Fanboy/Shill

Drunk Nerds posted:

Unironically, "Who can out-chili my chili" remains my all-time fav SA thread. I'm nowhere near an epicure or even a respected GWS member or even a guy with taste, and I could still spot so many bleeeeech problems with his recipe.

I gotta ask, did anyone take one for the team and make his recipe anyway, just to see how poo poo it was?

# ? Jun 30, 2015 01:59

Germstore: Oct 17, 2012; A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

Xenomrph posted:

I gotta ask, did anyone take one for the team and make his recipe anyway, just to see how poo poo it was?

I can't get past the two packets french onion soup mix. It's the second ingredient and it just derails my brain from reading the rest. As far as I know the recipe could be for a french onion meatloaf.

# ? Jun 30, 2015 02:02

Rickycat: Nov 26, 2007; by Lowtax

Xenomrph posted:

I gotta ask, did anyone take one for the team and make his recipe anyway, just to see how poo poo it was?

For sale: lovely chili, never eaten

# ? Jun 30, 2015 02:13

Sweaty IT Nerd: Jul 13, 2007

Germstore posted:

I can't get past the two packets french onion soup mix. It's the second ingredient and it just derails my brain from reading the rest. As far as I know the recipe could be for a french onion meatloaf.

I'm sure there are good recipes that feature two packets of onion soup mix but it sure isn't loving chili. Dude would have to have notarized statements and poo poo for me to even consider that recipe might not be the worst.

# ? Jun 30, 2015 02:23

Germstore: Oct 17, 2012; A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

The Sphinxster posted:

I'm sure there are good recipes that feature two packets of onion soup mix but it sure isn't loving chili. Dude would have to have notarized statements and poo poo for me to even consider that recipe might not be the worst.

That's just what Lipton wants you to believe.

# ? Jun 30, 2015 02:25

you were warned: Jul 12, 2006; (the S is for skeleton)

Edit: no reading comprehension

# ? Jun 30, 2015 07:45

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

Is this your booth at the renfaire OP

is this you

# ? Jul 2, 2015 22:14

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003; Can't post for 6 hours!

actually that's m e

e: no my hat has a different brim

# ? Jul 2, 2015 22:16

Shithouse Dave: Aug 5, 2007; each post manufactured to the highest specifications

Sir Lardo there refers to both canola and rapeseed oil. I thought canola was a "polite" name for rapeseed oil, but I could be wrong I guess.

Either way it's great to see total period authenticity, with the soup powder in there.

# ? Jul 2, 2015 23:21

Demonachizer: Aug 7, 2004

Are furries no longer ban on sight? What has happened to these forums???

# ? Jul 2, 2015 23:24

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

Shithouse Dave posted:

Sir Lardo there refers to both canola and rapeseed oil. I thought canola was a "polite" name for rapeseed oil, but I could be wrong I guess.

Either way it's great to see total period authenticity, with the soup powder in there.

canola is the modern invented variant so its not period at all and mlarder should not use

then again its common now bc its not toxic like rapeseed oil :ironicat:

# ? Jul 2, 2015 23:34

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

Shithouse Dave posted:

Sir Lardo there refers to both canola and rapeseed oil. I thought canola was a "polite" name for rapeseed oil, but I could be wrong I guess.

Either way it's great to see total period authenticity, with the soup powder in there.

Canola is derived from rapeseed but modified to not give you horrible diahhrea among other issues

# ? Jul 2, 2015 23:39

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

canola or not mlarders gonna bring that authentic shittability

# ? Jul 2, 2015 23:53

Jimbo Jaggins: Jul 19, 2013

Rape is still grow a lot though but its used for fodder rather than oil.

# ? Jul 3, 2015 00:06

Germstore: Oct 17, 2012; A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

end rape agriculture

# ? Jul 3, 2015 00:17

les fleurs du mall: Jun 30, 2014; by LadyAmbien

Kasan posted:

Edit: Crisis has passed, pasta was made, and a new month looms. Stick around for the hobby shaming on page 2.

So it's the end of the month, and I have one of those households where the end of the month is usually the point where it's time to tighten up the belt a notch or two. This month has probably been the worst in recent memory (due largely in part to poor budgeting from my wife and I's hobbies) and the belt has already been cinched as tight as it will go. My pantry is pretty barren right now and I have pretty much nothing.

But! I have the bare basics to make a vat of pasta to last three days til payday. Frozen ground beef (2lbs/1kg 85/15, 1lb/500g 75/25), several pounds of spaghetti/angel hair, ziti, rigatoni, penne and macaroni. The issue I am having, is I have a large can of crushed tomatoes (Hunt's Crushed Tomatoes with Basil - 1lb 12oz / 794g), and that's pretty much it. I need to turn that can of tomatoes into a pasta sauce that isn't going to taste like watered down tomato.

A non-exhaustive list of my kitchen contents:

Spices (All dried unless otherwise noted):
Salt, Seasoned Salt, Sea Salt, Pink Salt, Black Salt
Pepper, Cracked Pepper Grinder, Fresh Peppercorns, Long Pepper, Grains of Paradise, White Pepper
Crushed Red Pepper, Ground Cayenne Pepper, Chiptole (Powder and bouillon), Habanero (Fresh), Carolina Reaper (Fresh, no I'm not putting this in the sauce, my wife can't eat spicy food. I make candy out of them)
Curry Powder, Bird's Eye Curry Powder, Tumeric, Cumin, Mustard (Powder), Mustard (Prepared), Powdered Ginger, Asefoteta
Basil, Italian Seasoning Blend, Bay Leaf, Lavender (Fresh in my garden), Mint (Fresh in my garden), Marjoram, Crushed Cilantro, Crushed Thyme (I think. I didn't see it on first look but I'm pretty sure I have it.)
Dried Onion Flakes, Garlic Powder, Onion Salt, Garlic Salt
Fennel Seed, Celery Seed
Ground Nutmeg, Whole Clove, Ground Allspice, Madagascar Vanilla Beans, Alum, Pickling Spice
Old Bay, McCormick's: Rotisserie Chicken, Caribbean Jerk, Montreal Steak House Grinder
Around 100 different Teas, some instant coffee

Oils:
Canola, Coconut, Sesame, Grapeseed, Rapeseed, Peanut, Safflower, Olive (Light and Virgin and probably both not real olive oil), Lard (This poo poo is the bomb on toast)

Alcohols:
Marsala, Dry Sherry, Golden Sherry, Sherry, Dark Horse Cab, Biltmore Estate White Zin, 1 other white wine that I don't recall off the top of my head.
Sam Adams Winter Ale & Cold Snap, A about a cup of Ten Fidy Imperial Stout that I think went stale, Dragon's Milk Whiskey Stout, Wild Blue Blueberry Lager
Some Whiskey, Raspberry Vodka, Moonshine (the real stuff, somewhere around 175 proof), other various Liqours you shouldn't put in a pasta sauce.

Grains and Grain Like:
Whole wheat flour, all purpose flour, almond flour, spelt flour, rye flour, golden flaxseed meal, Buckwheat flour, oat flour, barley flour, corn meal, Corn starch

Equipment:
1.5 cup food processor, hand mixer missing half it's attachments (so only 1 blade (which works for most things)), mortar and pestle, hammer

Other:
Sugar, Simple Syrup, About a cup of heavy cream, some "flavor boost" vegetable stock packets, "better than bouillon" beef and chicken stocks (which I used once and they've been in my fridge for... longer than I remember.) I might have an egg or two depending on if they last forever in a fridge or not (They're probably at least 3-4 months old. Bought them for a bread recipe and only used 3 of the 6). An unopened jug of tomato juice that's been in my fridge for 2 months that I found hidden behind the beer.

If I didn't list it, I don't have. (No fresh veg beyond some chili peppers, no other "normal" pantry staples, no butter (used the last of it a few days ago)). Caveat: I might have a spice not listed, but I know I do not have rosemary or sage (except what's in the premixed Italian seasoning).

So GWS: Help me make a pasta sauce. You don't need to get super technical with measurements (I'm not even sure I own anything smaller than a 1 cup measure beyond a standard spoon) or cooking times. I'm actually pretty competent in the kitchen and am comfortable with culinary terms and processes like reducing; I just have very little experience with sauces from scratch that aren't a curry. Most of my attempts have ended in... not exactly a failure, but not a success; and at the time I had a much fuller larder. Looking to cook around 6 hours from this post, so if it's after 10pm EST, I've already started cooking and responses will be considered advice for next time.

sounds like you have plenty of ingredients to make a delicoous pasta sauce there OP, use the cream and tomatoes together, a bit of the basil some of the oil and a blob of lard in a big old pot. chop up 1 of the chilli peppers for some zing!! obviously your mixing all this with the canned tomatoes it will be very good and i hop eoyu like it, put the garlic in there too and a tiny bit of sugar!

# ? Sep 18, 2015 20:59

penus penus penus: Nov 9, 2014; by piss__donald

wow this thread loving rules

# ? Sep 18, 2015 21:32

Libelous Slander: May 1, 2009; ... you're just creepy ...

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Sep 18, 2015 21:41

proof of concept: Mar 6, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Sep 18, 2015 23:48

Tom Brady: Oct 17, 2008; by Fluffdaddy

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Sep 18, 2015 23:50

Dang It Bhabhi!: May 27, 2004; ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Sep 18, 2015 23:56

uwaeve: Oct 21, 2010; focus this time so i don't have to keep telling you idiots what happened; Lipstick Apathy

Japanese Phone Box posted:

Goldmine it already

# ? Sep 19, 2015 00:15

AbbadonOfHell: Jul 16, 2004; You know I would try to think of something funny to put here but ill just pass on that and threaten people with a + 2 board with a nail in it.